Disclaimer: They're still not mine
Okay: Mostly Draco / Ginny here. Can anybody spell angst?
Thanx to all who reviewed… I forgot how much I missed you all. I had stopped writing here completely for months but I'm back for a while… at least until this is done. SORRY this is so late. Exams started and my internet time is nil.
Can you help me I'm bent?
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together
Keep breaking me in
And this is how we will end…
With you and me….bent.
(Bent: Matchbox 20)
Even to the steady headed, Hogwarts was a maze at best. When you were trying to get somewhere you never knew where you'd end up and when you didn't know where you were going in the first place the possibilities were endless.
As Ginny fled the great hall heading in no particular direction save 'away', she ran for what felt like an eternity before tripping of the harsh cold stones and being thrown two feet into a wall. To tired to even scream as she fell, she lay there in a crumpled ball for another eternity that could have been anywhere from ten minutes to an hour and just cried dry wracking sobs in the dark hall somewhere in the depths of Hogwarts.
Everything hurt. Her skin was blistered and her muscles where screaming in protest to the fall. But nothing hurt like the thought of what she had done to Neville.
'As if he doesn't have enough bloody problems hankering his life, I have to go screw up his Christmas and make a complete ass out of myself…' Ginny thought bitterly. She sat up slowly and slumped against the wall. This was turning into something beyond her worse nightmares. That fear… that choking all consuming fear when he had touched her. Was that permanent damage done to her? Damn Goyle for his folly. Damn him to hell!
She rubbed her face viciously in her palms. "I need something," she said out loud to the wall. "I have to get through this, but I need something or else I'm going to break apart."
Her first thought went to her knife. Where was it? Up in the owlery tower, where she had dropped it. Her skin protested in one spine trembling sweep of pain and reminded her that she had cut plenty for one day. 'But I don't need to cut,' she argued with herself 'I just want my knife back…' It was a security she needed to feel pressed down in the heel of her boot. That she had some weapon to face the day with. 'But then who is the enemy?' she heard herself mocking bitterly 'Myself?' She shut down her thoughts quickly. Yes, she would get her knife from the owlery tower and then she would go to her room and plan some way to make up for the fiasco she had caused.
Where was she? Looking around her she had no idea. But the best way to get anywhere in Hogwarts was not to try and get there. Just keep walking and let the halls guide themselves. Brushing the dust off her robes she began to walk and hoped she would finally get where she wanted to go.
Ten minutes later she was at the owlery tower. But as soon as she reached the winding steps that lead upwards to the roost of the messenger owls, a cold sweat caught her so fiercely she almost buckled under. This was where everything had gone wrong. She couldn't just walk up there coolly, get her knife and come back down. 'Goyle's not there! Nobody is going to hurt you!' she shouted at herself sternly. But the chill wouldn't leave her and she felt her will fade like a shadow confronted by light.
"So how long are you going to stand there, girl?"
Ginny jumped startled, thinking for a fraction of a second that she was wrong, Goyle was back and in her state of mind there was going to be no way for her to escape. Then she saw Draco descending the stairs halting to lean calmly against the door frame. His expression was so cold she almost shivered.
"What are you doing here?" she gasped not bothering to try and hide her fright. He didn't fit in to this picture. He didn't make sense. In twenty four hours he had thrown her too many curve balls for her to know what to expect from him.
"Waiting for you," he said. He looked her over carefully, but somehow managed to avoid looking at all lecherous. In fact he seemed to have no expression at all. Was this the boy she had cried to all night?
Draco cocked his head looking her in the eye again. "It's still up there you know," he said acidly.
"My knife? You saw it?" asked Ginny thoughts of her blade blocking out all else. He nodded. "Do you think, maybe you could get for me?" she asked chewing her lip. If he got the knife than she wouldn't have to go up there… she wouldn't have to see.
"I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be brave. Your playing pure cowardice now," he sneered.
"That's not fair!" she snapped angrily. "I just thought since you were up there…and-and closer to it that you could just do something nice---"
"Bullshit and you know it. He's not here, Ginny. By the time Dumbledore is through with him he'll be lucky if he escapes Azkaban. It's just a ROOM, Ginny." Draco began to tap his foot impatiently.
"You don't know anything about it! You stand there calmly talking about this whole thing that YOUR best friend did and---"
"Goyle was no friend of mine," he snapped back cutting her short.
"Oh right, I'm sorry. When someone trails you like a tail twenty-four hours a day, it's really because you despise them that all your time's spent with them, of course, how stupid of me," she spit back sarcastically.
Draco rolled his eye and ran his fingers through his hair in a nonchalant manner. "Coward," he said.
Ginny's temper flared dangerously. She stormed over and pushed him violently out of her way. White Weasely anger course through her as she stormed up the stairs, trying to decide which curse she'd throw on him as soon as she proved to him… Before she could complete the thought the smell of the owlery tower hit her hard. She had never noticed it before but now it seemed to waft around her. She felt a lump rise in her throat. The sun light streaming through the tall windows couldn't make the place feel alit. In her mind it was still midnight and at any moment she would be assaulted by Goyle.
A hand clamped down on her shoulder. "It's just a room," Draco said harshly. "Stop seeing it like a scene in a play. Unless you're too yellow--"
She pulled angrily out of his grasp not looking behind to see him. Slowly she walked through the room across to where she had ran the night before, knife glittering in her hand. She stopped exactly where Goyle had come up behind her. She felt her knees tremble. But right at that moment Draco snickered. Damn him. She WOULD NOT falter with him as a witness. Balling her fists she scanned to see where her knife had fallen. It's handle caught in the sunlight and she bent to pick it up. Instantly she felt stronger. Turning slowly she faced Draco but looked right through him to where Goyle had been. She remembered his face as he leered at her. And the look he had had as she blasted that curse in his face. He had touched her and tried to rape her. But he hadn't. In some small way she had won the battle. Damned if she was going to let him win the war.
"He didn't win," she said out loud.
Draco's eyes narrowed. "No. Not yet."
Ginny jerked her eyes to his level. "You're still afraid," he said condescendingly "But you'll get over it… if you want to."
It was disquieting to look into Draco's ice cold eyes when he was like this. It was like he was waiting for some kind of reaction from her. She turned around again slowly and began to walk around the room as if reacquainting herself with it. After a minute she stopped and laughed softly. "It really is just a room. It could have been so much worse."
Draco leaned against one of the walls. "True. Look at Michele. You could have ended up like her."
Ginny spun around her eyes wide. "Michele? Michele Lumberfast? What about her?" Drace arched an eyebrow. Ginny felt her jaw drop. "You mean he---? He actually-Oh my God. Great Merlin! That poor girl. And everyone said she was such slut….By the Powers…."
Ginny blinked rapidly as she tied in all the pieces from the rumors she had heard. She felt sick again but this time for the girl who had not been as lucky as she. Anger, sorrow and rage filled her at the thought that something so devastating could have happen at Hogwarts… They were supposed to be safe here! Suddenly looking at Draco she felt an incredible rage rocket over her. He had known? And not said anything?
"How can you live with yourself!" she shouted "HOW! You KNEW…. You knew what he was and you still let him walk around here free?"
Draco almost jumped at the disgust in her voice and venom in her voice. "I DID NOT KNOW!" he said angrily furious that he was so accused and even more furious that he felt the need to defend himself. "Goyle said he shagged some girl; he didn't blare about what method! I didn't think it made sense knowing Michele, but damn it, I didn't bloody dissect the issue!" Draco suddenly caught himself and all the anger seemed to vanish off his face to be replaced with a look so thick in contempt and ice that Ginny did shiver.
In a voice that could have frozen Hell he hissed, "I don't have to explain myself to you. I'm not answerable to you accusations. What I do with my life is none of your business! I don't know why I'm even here,… but I can remedy that." And with that he made fast down the steps.
He was so angry. Angry that she misjudged him and angrier that it affected him at all. Well it didn't matter. She was safe from Goyle and if she wanted to blade herself anemic well she could go ahead. He didn't care. He wouldn't let himself care if it killed him.
Ginny watch him go and suddenly felt desperate. She still wasn't sure about him... about how he was with Goyle and what he had known, but she knew that he had saved her life the night before and he HAD held her while she cried afterwards. He knew, knew about her need and her blood lust and understood what she thought no one could. It was too soon to let him get away.
"Draco, wait---WAIT!" She ran after him and caught him the steps. As soon as her hand grasped his shoulder he went still, but he wouldn't turn around.
"I'm lost, okay?" she said "I don't know you… I thought I did but everything got shifted and now NOTHING makes sense. But you know about me and you understand why I cut and---" And what, she thought. She didn't want to lose him? She didn't have him to loose him yet. 'Words are such useless things,' she thought angrily…why was this all going wrong?
With out warning Draco spun around on the steps and gripped her shoulders. Ginny tensed, that unreasonable fear shooting up in her again. He caught the look instantly and gripped her shoulders tighter but made every ounce of expression disappear from his face until it looked like a sheet of ice. When he spoke his voice was devoid of emotion, not angry harsh or even indifferent. If the dead spoke, she imagined they sounded like this.
"Ginny, look at me. I am not going to hurt you. I. Am. Not. Going. To. Hurt. you. Ever. I swear by Merlin, Sauron and everything good and evil either one of us hold sacred. Do you understand that?"
She searched for anything at all she could read as a threat in his face. A twitch, a gleam, a blink and she would have snapped. But there was nothing there. The pure expressionlessness of his manner slowly eased her mind out of the fear that gripped her. He was asking her a question.
"I will not hurt you. Ever. Alright?" he repeated.
"I know."
His eyebrows knitting questioning
"I Know," she repeated with more conviction. He gave a quick nodded and then let go of her, brushing passed her to stride back up the stairs, leaving her to follow behind.
Once there again he sat down roughly heaving a sigh. Ginny sat down facing him, playing with the feathers that littered the ground. They were silent for a second, before Ginny raised head and asked, "How did I get to my room? The last thing I remember was being…somewhere, some room of yours. And I was asleep and then I woke up in my room."
"Harry took you back later. He thought it would frighten you to wake up in strange room. And he wasn't about to let me stay with you. Prat. If I ever have to put up with him as much as I had to last night I'll rip his throat out."
Ginny felt unreasonably defensive, "He's not that bad, Draco and you have no right to talk about him like that. You don't know what he's had to go through. Years of degradation at the hands of those Muggle relatives and then disaster after disaster with He Should Not Be Named…"
"Voldemort."
Ginny froze. "You shouldn't call him by his name!"
Draco rolled his eyes blandly. "Ginny, he's practically a dinner guest at my house. Voldemort. Saying his name will not make him any more or less real. Voldemort."
Swallowing tightly Ginny digested the information. Then she shook her head and said, "the point is that Harry, despite his faults, has felt enough pain in his life for you not to mock him."
Draco gave a blatant sneer. "He is the picture of a perfect knight in shining armor. He believes in some kind of reality that good will triumph over evil because that's the way it should be. Ha! In the real world ugliness rules over good people, innocents get killed and pretty girls are raped by subhuman animals. I can't stand him and all his moral balderdash. He disgusts me even more than that mudblood your brother is so hooked on."
Ginny would have protested about Harry and certainly about insulting Hermione but her mind was picking up to speed with his. Suddenly she smile secretively. "Do you hate him more because he's survived, because he's nice or because he's happy?"
He scowled at her. He was going to have to watch this girl. "All of the above," he spit out.
She began to smile triumphantly but a thought crossed her mind that made her mind freeze. "He knows. He knows about me…oh sweet Merlin what am I going to do? If he tells…"
"He won't. We talked about it. He---" Draco choked a little "He doesn't want you to be hurt."
When he looked at Ginny her eyes were far away and common sense told him not to say anything. Her hair was drying and it was falling out of the ponytail she had made. The shorter parts began to fall around her face. She looked prettier with it down, he thought.
As if she had heard his mind she pulled the hair back again with an exasperated noise. Draco frowned.
"You know you look particularly ugly with your hair pulled so tight like that," he said.
Ginny shrugged indifferently. "It keeps it off my neck and out of my face. That's all I bloody ask of it."
His eyes narrowed. "Did you cut it?"
Ginny was still far far away from him. "Yes, to look nicer. Everyone tells me it worked. Dear God I must have looked like the biggest whore…"
Draco felt unreasonable anger bubble in him. "You didn't look anything of the sort. What happened was not your fault, No-" he said as he saw her laps back into her previous state of self loathing "-No don't even go there. Ginny---" he reached to grab hold of her and force her to pay attention. But as he caught her arms she winced. At first he thought it was fear again but then he realized it was pain. Physical pain.
Asking permission with his eyes he pushed the sleeves of her robes up. His jaw tightened. Old scars aside and even removing what he thought he could distinguish from the thorns of the Forbidden Forest her arms were butchered. The smaller wounds were already scabbing into twisted strands of congealed blood, but what alarmed him were the wide gashes leading up her arms stopping just below her shoulders. Silently he thanked the Powers that he had not hurt her when he gripped her shoulders earlier. His face pulled a cold expressionless masked to hide his anguish and he looked up into her troubled brown eyes.
"This morning?" he asked letting his fingers trace over the thin red lines. Her skin was hurt, red and swollen. She nodded painfully. He looked at the other arm and saw a similar pattern. A thought was forming in his mind but he didn't voice it. "There's more, isn't there" he said. It was a statement not a question.
He watched her movements as she flinched under his cold gaze. Twitches …across her chest? Suddenly he felt very very ill.
"Tell me what happened," he barked. He saw her stiffen and regretted his tone. He hadn't meant to startle her…but if what was on her arms was on other parts of her body…She pulled away from him and he let her go, cursing mentally for scaring her. With out calculating he said, "I'm sorry. I know how that sounded harsh but if your hurt… anywhere else…I'm sorry this is all wrong. Your cutting is your own business---what is wrong with me?!" the last line came out in a cold hiss and seem to be directed to himself.
Ginny looked at him through the crack in the ice mask he wore and saw what she had seen last night. Some one in pain trying looking for…understanding? Maybe. Quietly she said, "I woke up and I was confused. And then I remembered everything and I felt sick and dizzy… So I went to the bathroom. Threw up a few times. Then I could just see him and his hands---" she shuddered involuntarily. "I had to get clean… but I couldn't. No matter how much I tried I couldn't and the only way I thought I could get his filth off…." Her voice trailed off n to a cloud of heavy breathing. "I think I over did it."
"You think?" he said sarcastically, looking over her injuries again. He looked suddenly at the knife she had not let go of since she had found it. "No more today," he said warily.
She shook her head slightly, "No, no more."
"Why didn't you heal these?" he asked, still amazed at the damage she had invoked. Only on his very worst days he had ever managed to do this sort of damage to himself. 'But then,' he thought sarcastically 'Coming with in a hair's width of being raped probably constitutes as one of the worst days of one's life.' But Ginny was speaking. "I didn't have time to bandage them so I cleaned them up and put a Curariousis Charm on them."
"But that only stops the bleeding, doesn't heal anything," he said "If you had used an Aloevarious charm, these would all be gone."
Ginny looked away until the cold of gaze made her look up trembling. "Aloevarious charms…they take all the pain out of the wound."
Ginny shut her eyes she didn't want to know what he would make out of her statement. She needed the pain, even more than she needed the healing…she couldn't give it up even in a situation like this. Yes Draco knew and understood all too well. But pain or not those were dangerous and she needed to heal.
Draco sighed and got up suddenly. "Come with me. We're going to my room. I have something there, a balm you can use. It will heal these as fast as anything Madame Pomfrey can give you."
Ginny shook her head, "But I don't---"
"Don't worry," he said cutting her off. "It will just speed up the healing… they'll still hurt like all bloody hell for the next few days. But the itching will start sooner. Reasonable?"
Ginny stood up reluctantly after him "Okay," she said following him down. To heal was not a bad a thing, she told herself . It was a good thing, if she could only convince herself.
Later Ginny headed back to her room with a phial of some sort of creamy liquid. The Gryffindor common room had a few people in it who waved absently at her when she came in. She identified all the sixth year girls (there were only two who stayed back for Christmas) and smiled knowing that the dorm would be empty. Neville was there showing one of the younger students who was also cursed with having a frog as a familiar how to feed the slimy green amphibians dead flies. Ginny throw a smile in his direction as she wandered up the stairs wearily to her room.
She sat on her bed and uncorked the phial glancing around her. Suddenly her eyes caught a huge bouquet of blue and yellow irises. She blinked, shocked; she hadn't seen them that morning. Of course she hadn't seen anything at all when she woke up and later more pressing issues had been on her mind (namely not bleeding to death) but they were so beautiful! She walked over to them, touching the delicate blue petals lovingly. Her eye caught a card which she pick up and read:
'We want you to be alright.'
She drew her eyebrows up. Harry's hand? Yes it was Harry's hand. But he said 'we'. Harry and Draco? Putting the card down she quickly began to slather the balm on her open wounds. As soon as she was finished she decided she would talk to Draco again.
Draco Malfoy threw himself on the bed of his secret room. When he had asked for it, his father had assumed that he wanted private space to practice forbidden arts in and had gladly twisted arms to get him the privilege. But Draco had wanted the room for an escape from all those prying, blood-sucking Slytherins. Their attitudes were understandable when directed towards the other students, but he certainly would not have himself subjected to it. He need space to think, plan and brood. Brooding was in the foreground today.
'Well well,' he thought bitterly 'Time to start the Christmas celebration.' He took hold of the letter that had arrived by owl ten minutes before accompanied by a velvet green draw-string bag. The bag had money in it… his usual Christmas gift which he tossed aside with out a second thought. The letter… well what did Daddy Dearest have to wish him this year…
"Dear Son,
You did not return home for the holidays and I am greatly displeased. I will not tolerate insubordination from you. I can understand your wish to enjoy life before your proper training begins but this pointless delay is intolerable. Of course I cannot force you to come home, but willful disrespect of my orders will bring nothing but unnecessary pain to you. Very well. This act of yours will be over looked for now but as always everything has a price. If you are pulled out suddenly during the year to begin you training in the finer arts, do not be surprised and do not protest.
The incident with Gregory Goyle has not be over looked as well. Even though it was Harry Potter who actually apprehended Goyle, Gregory seems to believe you were also there. WHY did you not intervene with Potter's actions? Magnus Goyle is an important friend of mine, I will not have his son objected to such ridicule. Of course he will no longer attend Hogwarts but a place is being arranged for him at Drumstads. I will deal with you later.
Your mother sends her regards.
Happy Christmas
Lucious Malfoy"
Draco nearly choked with disgusted. "He even had the audacity to end this with happy Christmas," he muttered furiously. Draco felt his anger rise to threatening heights. He'd have to kill some one to get through this day. But under the anger was fear. He had no control over what his father could choose to do to him. Reading the letter again he let anger get the better of him. Crumpling the letter and tossing it in the air he blasted it into a ball of flames that fell in a pile of ash to the floor three second later.
And right then he noticed Ginny standing at his door. "WHAT are you doing here?" he barked furiously. He didn't even attempt to control the harshness of his voice. Damn her. Her timing was terrible.
"I knocked. You didn't hear. So I used the 'Ajar' spell. I just wanted…" she saw the scowl smeared across his face "…Never mind. I'll leave." She turned around quickly, kicking herself for having been so off mark.
Draco felt his anger being replaced by disgust. Self-disgust. On an impulse he said, "I got a letter from home," WHY did he also feel the need to explain himself to her? "… and I'm out for blood. You should run while I'm still in the mood to let you."
Ginny looked at him standing, fists clenched by the door. He was dead serious. She wondered what could have been so bad to put him this mood. His face was shifting slowly from rage to that ice cold expressionlessness. Intuition flashed in her mind and she realized that he was in pain. "Ginny, I said get out of here." His voice cut through like a knife.
She tilted her hair and then shook her head. "No," she said calmly. "I want to show you something."
"Ginny in the name of Merlin---"
She grabbed him by the shoulders and gave him a sudden hug. He was so shock he didn't have time react. Dazed his jaw set and stared her down. "Your risking more than you. Never do that again. I might seriously…."
She shook her head again. He stared at her in disbelief. This girl didn't realize what he was… what he was capable of. "Ginny I'm SERIOUS!!!"
"You promised you wouldn't hurt. I believe you."
He opened his mouth to say something, to yell, to threaten, but the trust in her eyes made all his words choke in his throat.
"I want to give you something," she said grabbing his hand and leading him down the hall. "I want to give you a Christmas present," she said laughing suddenly.
She began running down some unknown hall avoiding all the obvious corridors so they would not be spotted. Of course the staircases shifted on the way but she didn't seem to care. The closer they came to her destination the faster she went, her hair streaming behind her in a wave of red. Draco felt like he was watching himself in some out of body experience. It was in no way possible that he was allowing himself to be lead by this girl to Merlin knows where to have her give him a Christmas gift! But some where inside he wanted this (whatever it was) more than he wanted to throttle a first year student (his usual way of dealing with letters form home) and even though he had no idea where he was going, he knew it was better than where he was coming from.
I hate this chapter. Oh well. Next chapter, you'll see what Ginny has in mind and the Dream Team comes home for Christmas.
Okay: Mostly Draco / Ginny here. Can anybody spell angst?
Thanx to all who reviewed… I forgot how much I missed you all. I had stopped writing here completely for months but I'm back for a while… at least until this is done. SORRY this is so late. Exams started and my internet time is nil.
Can you help me I'm bent?
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together
Keep breaking me in
And this is how we will end…
With you and me….bent.
(Bent: Matchbox 20)
Even to the steady headed, Hogwarts was a maze at best. When you were trying to get somewhere you never knew where you'd end up and when you didn't know where you were going in the first place the possibilities were endless.
As Ginny fled the great hall heading in no particular direction save 'away', she ran for what felt like an eternity before tripping of the harsh cold stones and being thrown two feet into a wall. To tired to even scream as she fell, she lay there in a crumpled ball for another eternity that could have been anywhere from ten minutes to an hour and just cried dry wracking sobs in the dark hall somewhere in the depths of Hogwarts.
Everything hurt. Her skin was blistered and her muscles where screaming in protest to the fall. But nothing hurt like the thought of what she had done to Neville.
'As if he doesn't have enough bloody problems hankering his life, I have to go screw up his Christmas and make a complete ass out of myself…' Ginny thought bitterly. She sat up slowly and slumped against the wall. This was turning into something beyond her worse nightmares. That fear… that choking all consuming fear when he had touched her. Was that permanent damage done to her? Damn Goyle for his folly. Damn him to hell!
She rubbed her face viciously in her palms. "I need something," she said out loud to the wall. "I have to get through this, but I need something or else I'm going to break apart."
Her first thought went to her knife. Where was it? Up in the owlery tower, where she had dropped it. Her skin protested in one spine trembling sweep of pain and reminded her that she had cut plenty for one day. 'But I don't need to cut,' she argued with herself 'I just want my knife back…' It was a security she needed to feel pressed down in the heel of her boot. That she had some weapon to face the day with. 'But then who is the enemy?' she heard herself mocking bitterly 'Myself?' She shut down her thoughts quickly. Yes, she would get her knife from the owlery tower and then she would go to her room and plan some way to make up for the fiasco she had caused.
Where was she? Looking around her she had no idea. But the best way to get anywhere in Hogwarts was not to try and get there. Just keep walking and let the halls guide themselves. Brushing the dust off her robes she began to walk and hoped she would finally get where she wanted to go.
Ten minutes later she was at the owlery tower. But as soon as she reached the winding steps that lead upwards to the roost of the messenger owls, a cold sweat caught her so fiercely she almost buckled under. This was where everything had gone wrong. She couldn't just walk up there coolly, get her knife and come back down. 'Goyle's not there! Nobody is going to hurt you!' she shouted at herself sternly. But the chill wouldn't leave her and she felt her will fade like a shadow confronted by light.
"So how long are you going to stand there, girl?"
Ginny jumped startled, thinking for a fraction of a second that she was wrong, Goyle was back and in her state of mind there was going to be no way for her to escape. Then she saw Draco descending the stairs halting to lean calmly against the door frame. His expression was so cold she almost shivered.
"What are you doing here?" she gasped not bothering to try and hide her fright. He didn't fit in to this picture. He didn't make sense. In twenty four hours he had thrown her too many curve balls for her to know what to expect from him.
"Waiting for you," he said. He looked her over carefully, but somehow managed to avoid looking at all lecherous. In fact he seemed to have no expression at all. Was this the boy she had cried to all night?
Draco cocked his head looking her in the eye again. "It's still up there you know," he said acidly.
"My knife? You saw it?" asked Ginny thoughts of her blade blocking out all else. He nodded. "Do you think, maybe you could get for me?" she asked chewing her lip. If he got the knife than she wouldn't have to go up there… she wouldn't have to see.
"I thought Gryffindors were supposed to be brave. Your playing pure cowardice now," he sneered.
"That's not fair!" she snapped angrily. "I just thought since you were up there…and-and closer to it that you could just do something nice---"
"Bullshit and you know it. He's not here, Ginny. By the time Dumbledore is through with him he'll be lucky if he escapes Azkaban. It's just a ROOM, Ginny." Draco began to tap his foot impatiently.
"You don't know anything about it! You stand there calmly talking about this whole thing that YOUR best friend did and---"
"Goyle was no friend of mine," he snapped back cutting her short.
"Oh right, I'm sorry. When someone trails you like a tail twenty-four hours a day, it's really because you despise them that all your time's spent with them, of course, how stupid of me," she spit back sarcastically.
Draco rolled his eye and ran his fingers through his hair in a nonchalant manner. "Coward," he said.
Ginny's temper flared dangerously. She stormed over and pushed him violently out of her way. White Weasely anger course through her as she stormed up the stairs, trying to decide which curse she'd throw on him as soon as she proved to him… Before she could complete the thought the smell of the owlery tower hit her hard. She had never noticed it before but now it seemed to waft around her. She felt a lump rise in her throat. The sun light streaming through the tall windows couldn't make the place feel alit. In her mind it was still midnight and at any moment she would be assaulted by Goyle.
A hand clamped down on her shoulder. "It's just a room," Draco said harshly. "Stop seeing it like a scene in a play. Unless you're too yellow--"
She pulled angrily out of his grasp not looking behind to see him. Slowly she walked through the room across to where she had ran the night before, knife glittering in her hand. She stopped exactly where Goyle had come up behind her. She felt her knees tremble. But right at that moment Draco snickered. Damn him. She WOULD NOT falter with him as a witness. Balling her fists she scanned to see where her knife had fallen. It's handle caught in the sunlight and she bent to pick it up. Instantly she felt stronger. Turning slowly she faced Draco but looked right through him to where Goyle had been. She remembered his face as he leered at her. And the look he had had as she blasted that curse in his face. He had touched her and tried to rape her. But he hadn't. In some small way she had won the battle. Damned if she was going to let him win the war.
"He didn't win," she said out loud.
Draco's eyes narrowed. "No. Not yet."
Ginny jerked her eyes to his level. "You're still afraid," he said condescendingly "But you'll get over it… if you want to."
It was disquieting to look into Draco's ice cold eyes when he was like this. It was like he was waiting for some kind of reaction from her. She turned around again slowly and began to walk around the room as if reacquainting herself with it. After a minute she stopped and laughed softly. "It really is just a room. It could have been so much worse."
Draco leaned against one of the walls. "True. Look at Michele. You could have ended up like her."
Ginny spun around her eyes wide. "Michele? Michele Lumberfast? What about her?" Drace arched an eyebrow. Ginny felt her jaw drop. "You mean he---? He actually-Oh my God. Great Merlin! That poor girl. And everyone said she was such slut….By the Powers…."
Ginny blinked rapidly as she tied in all the pieces from the rumors she had heard. She felt sick again but this time for the girl who had not been as lucky as she. Anger, sorrow and rage filled her at the thought that something so devastating could have happen at Hogwarts… They were supposed to be safe here! Suddenly looking at Draco she felt an incredible rage rocket over her. He had known? And not said anything?
"How can you live with yourself!" she shouted "HOW! You KNEW…. You knew what he was and you still let him walk around here free?"
Draco almost jumped at the disgust in her voice and venom in her voice. "I DID NOT KNOW!" he said angrily furious that he was so accused and even more furious that he felt the need to defend himself. "Goyle said he shagged some girl; he didn't blare about what method! I didn't think it made sense knowing Michele, but damn it, I didn't bloody dissect the issue!" Draco suddenly caught himself and all the anger seemed to vanish off his face to be replaced with a look so thick in contempt and ice that Ginny did shiver.
In a voice that could have frozen Hell he hissed, "I don't have to explain myself to you. I'm not answerable to you accusations. What I do with my life is none of your business! I don't know why I'm even here,… but I can remedy that." And with that he made fast down the steps.
He was so angry. Angry that she misjudged him and angrier that it affected him at all. Well it didn't matter. She was safe from Goyle and if she wanted to blade herself anemic well she could go ahead. He didn't care. He wouldn't let himself care if it killed him.
Ginny watch him go and suddenly felt desperate. She still wasn't sure about him... about how he was with Goyle and what he had known, but she knew that he had saved her life the night before and he HAD held her while she cried afterwards. He knew, knew about her need and her blood lust and understood what she thought no one could. It was too soon to let him get away.
"Draco, wait---WAIT!" She ran after him and caught him the steps. As soon as her hand grasped his shoulder he went still, but he wouldn't turn around.
"I'm lost, okay?" she said "I don't know you… I thought I did but everything got shifted and now NOTHING makes sense. But you know about me and you understand why I cut and---" And what, she thought. She didn't want to lose him? She didn't have him to loose him yet. 'Words are such useless things,' she thought angrily…why was this all going wrong?
With out warning Draco spun around on the steps and gripped her shoulders. Ginny tensed, that unreasonable fear shooting up in her again. He caught the look instantly and gripped her shoulders tighter but made every ounce of expression disappear from his face until it looked like a sheet of ice. When he spoke his voice was devoid of emotion, not angry harsh or even indifferent. If the dead spoke, she imagined they sounded like this.
"Ginny, look at me. I am not going to hurt you. I. Am. Not. Going. To. Hurt. you. Ever. I swear by Merlin, Sauron and everything good and evil either one of us hold sacred. Do you understand that?"
She searched for anything at all she could read as a threat in his face. A twitch, a gleam, a blink and she would have snapped. But there was nothing there. The pure expressionlessness of his manner slowly eased her mind out of the fear that gripped her. He was asking her a question.
"I will not hurt you. Ever. Alright?" he repeated.
"I know."
His eyebrows knitting questioning
"I Know," she repeated with more conviction. He gave a quick nodded and then let go of her, brushing passed her to stride back up the stairs, leaving her to follow behind.
Once there again he sat down roughly heaving a sigh. Ginny sat down facing him, playing with the feathers that littered the ground. They were silent for a second, before Ginny raised head and asked, "How did I get to my room? The last thing I remember was being…somewhere, some room of yours. And I was asleep and then I woke up in my room."
"Harry took you back later. He thought it would frighten you to wake up in strange room. And he wasn't about to let me stay with you. Prat. If I ever have to put up with him as much as I had to last night I'll rip his throat out."
Ginny felt unreasonably defensive, "He's not that bad, Draco and you have no right to talk about him like that. You don't know what he's had to go through. Years of degradation at the hands of those Muggle relatives and then disaster after disaster with He Should Not Be Named…"
"Voldemort."
Ginny froze. "You shouldn't call him by his name!"
Draco rolled his eyes blandly. "Ginny, he's practically a dinner guest at my house. Voldemort. Saying his name will not make him any more or less real. Voldemort."
Swallowing tightly Ginny digested the information. Then she shook her head and said, "the point is that Harry, despite his faults, has felt enough pain in his life for you not to mock him."
Draco gave a blatant sneer. "He is the picture of a perfect knight in shining armor. He believes in some kind of reality that good will triumph over evil because that's the way it should be. Ha! In the real world ugliness rules over good people, innocents get killed and pretty girls are raped by subhuman animals. I can't stand him and all his moral balderdash. He disgusts me even more than that mudblood your brother is so hooked on."
Ginny would have protested about Harry and certainly about insulting Hermione but her mind was picking up to speed with his. Suddenly she smile secretively. "Do you hate him more because he's survived, because he's nice or because he's happy?"
He scowled at her. He was going to have to watch this girl. "All of the above," he spit out.
She began to smile triumphantly but a thought crossed her mind that made her mind freeze. "He knows. He knows about me…oh sweet Merlin what am I going to do? If he tells…"
"He won't. We talked about it. He---" Draco choked a little "He doesn't want you to be hurt."
When he looked at Ginny her eyes were far away and common sense told him not to say anything. Her hair was drying and it was falling out of the ponytail she had made. The shorter parts began to fall around her face. She looked prettier with it down, he thought.
As if she had heard his mind she pulled the hair back again with an exasperated noise. Draco frowned.
"You know you look particularly ugly with your hair pulled so tight like that," he said.
Ginny shrugged indifferently. "It keeps it off my neck and out of my face. That's all I bloody ask of it."
His eyes narrowed. "Did you cut it?"
Ginny was still far far away from him. "Yes, to look nicer. Everyone tells me it worked. Dear God I must have looked like the biggest whore…"
Draco felt unreasonable anger bubble in him. "You didn't look anything of the sort. What happened was not your fault, No-" he said as he saw her laps back into her previous state of self loathing "-No don't even go there. Ginny---" he reached to grab hold of her and force her to pay attention. But as he caught her arms she winced. At first he thought it was fear again but then he realized it was pain. Physical pain.
Asking permission with his eyes he pushed the sleeves of her robes up. His jaw tightened. Old scars aside and even removing what he thought he could distinguish from the thorns of the Forbidden Forest her arms were butchered. The smaller wounds were already scabbing into twisted strands of congealed blood, but what alarmed him were the wide gashes leading up her arms stopping just below her shoulders. Silently he thanked the Powers that he had not hurt her when he gripped her shoulders earlier. His face pulled a cold expressionless masked to hide his anguish and he looked up into her troubled brown eyes.
"This morning?" he asked letting his fingers trace over the thin red lines. Her skin was hurt, red and swollen. She nodded painfully. He looked at the other arm and saw a similar pattern. A thought was forming in his mind but he didn't voice it. "There's more, isn't there" he said. It was a statement not a question.
He watched her movements as she flinched under his cold gaze. Twitches …across her chest? Suddenly he felt very very ill.
"Tell me what happened," he barked. He saw her stiffen and regretted his tone. He hadn't meant to startle her…but if what was on her arms was on other parts of her body…She pulled away from him and he let her go, cursing mentally for scaring her. With out calculating he said, "I'm sorry. I know how that sounded harsh but if your hurt… anywhere else…I'm sorry this is all wrong. Your cutting is your own business---what is wrong with me?!" the last line came out in a cold hiss and seem to be directed to himself.
Ginny looked at him through the crack in the ice mask he wore and saw what she had seen last night. Some one in pain trying looking for…understanding? Maybe. Quietly she said, "I woke up and I was confused. And then I remembered everything and I felt sick and dizzy… So I went to the bathroom. Threw up a few times. Then I could just see him and his hands---" she shuddered involuntarily. "I had to get clean… but I couldn't. No matter how much I tried I couldn't and the only way I thought I could get his filth off…." Her voice trailed off n to a cloud of heavy breathing. "I think I over did it."
"You think?" he said sarcastically, looking over her injuries again. He looked suddenly at the knife she had not let go of since she had found it. "No more today," he said warily.
She shook her head slightly, "No, no more."
"Why didn't you heal these?" he asked, still amazed at the damage she had invoked. Only on his very worst days he had ever managed to do this sort of damage to himself. 'But then,' he thought sarcastically 'Coming with in a hair's width of being raped probably constitutes as one of the worst days of one's life.' But Ginny was speaking. "I didn't have time to bandage them so I cleaned them up and put a Curariousis Charm on them."
"But that only stops the bleeding, doesn't heal anything," he said "If you had used an Aloevarious charm, these would all be gone."
Ginny looked away until the cold of gaze made her look up trembling. "Aloevarious charms…they take all the pain out of the wound."
Ginny shut her eyes she didn't want to know what he would make out of her statement. She needed the pain, even more than she needed the healing…she couldn't give it up even in a situation like this. Yes Draco knew and understood all too well. But pain or not those were dangerous and she needed to heal.
Draco sighed and got up suddenly. "Come with me. We're going to my room. I have something there, a balm you can use. It will heal these as fast as anything Madame Pomfrey can give you."
Ginny shook her head, "But I don't---"
"Don't worry," he said cutting her off. "It will just speed up the healing… they'll still hurt like all bloody hell for the next few days. But the itching will start sooner. Reasonable?"
Ginny stood up reluctantly after him "Okay," she said following him down. To heal was not a bad a thing, she told herself . It was a good thing, if she could only convince herself.
Later Ginny headed back to her room with a phial of some sort of creamy liquid. The Gryffindor common room had a few people in it who waved absently at her when she came in. She identified all the sixth year girls (there were only two who stayed back for Christmas) and smiled knowing that the dorm would be empty. Neville was there showing one of the younger students who was also cursed with having a frog as a familiar how to feed the slimy green amphibians dead flies. Ginny throw a smile in his direction as she wandered up the stairs wearily to her room.
She sat on her bed and uncorked the phial glancing around her. Suddenly her eyes caught a huge bouquet of blue and yellow irises. She blinked, shocked; she hadn't seen them that morning. Of course she hadn't seen anything at all when she woke up and later more pressing issues had been on her mind (namely not bleeding to death) but they were so beautiful! She walked over to them, touching the delicate blue petals lovingly. Her eye caught a card which she pick up and read:
'We want you to be alright.'
She drew her eyebrows up. Harry's hand? Yes it was Harry's hand. But he said 'we'. Harry and Draco? Putting the card down she quickly began to slather the balm on her open wounds. As soon as she was finished she decided she would talk to Draco again.
Draco Malfoy threw himself on the bed of his secret room. When he had asked for it, his father had assumed that he wanted private space to practice forbidden arts in and had gladly twisted arms to get him the privilege. But Draco had wanted the room for an escape from all those prying, blood-sucking Slytherins. Their attitudes were understandable when directed towards the other students, but he certainly would not have himself subjected to it. He need space to think, plan and brood. Brooding was in the foreground today.
'Well well,' he thought bitterly 'Time to start the Christmas celebration.' He took hold of the letter that had arrived by owl ten minutes before accompanied by a velvet green draw-string bag. The bag had money in it… his usual Christmas gift which he tossed aside with out a second thought. The letter… well what did Daddy Dearest have to wish him this year…
"Dear Son,
You did not return home for the holidays and I am greatly displeased. I will not tolerate insubordination from you. I can understand your wish to enjoy life before your proper training begins but this pointless delay is intolerable. Of course I cannot force you to come home, but willful disrespect of my orders will bring nothing but unnecessary pain to you. Very well. This act of yours will be over looked for now but as always everything has a price. If you are pulled out suddenly during the year to begin you training in the finer arts, do not be surprised and do not protest.
The incident with Gregory Goyle has not be over looked as well. Even though it was Harry Potter who actually apprehended Goyle, Gregory seems to believe you were also there. WHY did you not intervene with Potter's actions? Magnus Goyle is an important friend of mine, I will not have his son objected to such ridicule. Of course he will no longer attend Hogwarts but a place is being arranged for him at Drumstads. I will deal with you later.
Your mother sends her regards.
Happy Christmas
Lucious Malfoy"
Draco nearly choked with disgusted. "He even had the audacity to end this with happy Christmas," he muttered furiously. Draco felt his anger rise to threatening heights. He'd have to kill some one to get through this day. But under the anger was fear. He had no control over what his father could choose to do to him. Reading the letter again he let anger get the better of him. Crumpling the letter and tossing it in the air he blasted it into a ball of flames that fell in a pile of ash to the floor three second later.
And right then he noticed Ginny standing at his door. "WHAT are you doing here?" he barked furiously. He didn't even attempt to control the harshness of his voice. Damn her. Her timing was terrible.
"I knocked. You didn't hear. So I used the 'Ajar' spell. I just wanted…" she saw the scowl smeared across his face "…Never mind. I'll leave." She turned around quickly, kicking herself for having been so off mark.
Draco felt his anger being replaced by disgust. Self-disgust. On an impulse he said, "I got a letter from home," WHY did he also feel the need to explain himself to her? "… and I'm out for blood. You should run while I'm still in the mood to let you."
Ginny looked at him standing, fists clenched by the door. He was dead serious. She wondered what could have been so bad to put him this mood. His face was shifting slowly from rage to that ice cold expressionlessness. Intuition flashed in her mind and she realized that he was in pain. "Ginny, I said get out of here." His voice cut through like a knife.
She tilted her hair and then shook her head. "No," she said calmly. "I want to show you something."
"Ginny in the name of Merlin---"
She grabbed him by the shoulders and gave him a sudden hug. He was so shock he didn't have time react. Dazed his jaw set and stared her down. "Your risking more than you. Never do that again. I might seriously…."
She shook her head again. He stared at her in disbelief. This girl didn't realize what he was… what he was capable of. "Ginny I'm SERIOUS!!!"
"You promised you wouldn't hurt. I believe you."
He opened his mouth to say something, to yell, to threaten, but the trust in her eyes made all his words choke in his throat.
"I want to give you something," she said grabbing his hand and leading him down the hall. "I want to give you a Christmas present," she said laughing suddenly.
She began running down some unknown hall avoiding all the obvious corridors so they would not be spotted. Of course the staircases shifted on the way but she didn't seem to care. The closer they came to her destination the faster she went, her hair streaming behind her in a wave of red. Draco felt like he was watching himself in some out of body experience. It was in no way possible that he was allowing himself to be lead by this girl to Merlin knows where to have her give him a Christmas gift! But some where inside he wanted this (whatever it was) more than he wanted to throttle a first year student (his usual way of dealing with letters form home) and even though he had no idea where he was going, he knew it was better than where he was coming from.
I hate this chapter. Oh well. Next chapter, you'll see what Ginny has in mind and the Dream Team comes home for Christmas.
