Disclaimer: They're not mine.

Some ugly language in this chapter.


she shines
in a world full of ugliness
she matters
when everything is meaningless

fragile
she doesn't see her beauty
she tries to get away
sometimes
it's just that nothing seems worth saving
I can't watch her slip away

I won't let you fall apart

she reads the minds of all the people as they pass her by
hoping someone will see
if I could fix myself I'd -
but it's too late for me

I won't let you fall apart

we'll find the perfect place to go where we can run and hide
I'll build a wall and we can keep them on the other side
...but they keep waiting
...and picking...

I was there, too
I was like you

( Fragile: Nine Inch Nails)




CRASH!!!

Draco felt with satisfaction the crack of the bat hitting the bludger into space. Of course he wasn't a beater but at that moment the idea of doing diving techniques to catch a snitch just wasn't what he wanted. The bludger made another pass at him and he hit it again with another crack. He could have been a better beater than he was seeker, but when he insisted to his father that he had to have the seeker position, his main goal had been to beat Harry, with out any real thought as to what he was good at.

CRACK!!!

The bludger was getting nastier and despite his natural aptitude he was not trained to be a beater. Sooner or later he was going to get hit by the thing but at this particular time he didn't care.

Damn Harry for coming back. Oh he had been busy… Draco had seen the kitten the day after she arrived. Ginny was thrilled, of course and she had every right to be… what could be more perfect for someone like her, than something to hold and to love. The kitten was perfect. The flowers had been perfect. Perfect. Harry was perfect. The perfect gentleman, the perfect knight in shining armor, the perfect prick.

The bludger came shooting at him and slammed painfully into his stomach knocking him right off his broom. Blessed pain to stop his fuming. He fumbled up and caught the bludger, strapping it down in it's case, before it could make another pass at him. Pulling himself up slowly he hulled the case up and carried it back to Hooch's store room. Kicking the door opened he practically threw the case down, leaning over, hands on his knees to catch his breath. Standing up slowly he almost groaned, but not in pain. Standing in front of him was the last person on earth he wanted to see right then. Harry.

Harry started when he saw Malfoy enter the room. He was really there to practice his catching, but upon seeing Draco he realized how much he had been itching to talk to him. He didn't know why but it seemed important. He told himself it was to try and get the boy to tell him what had happened during the holidays, but Harry knew inside it was more that that. He really wanted to know what was going on now between him and Ginny. Clearing his throat he said, "Hello Malfoy."

Draco tossed him a dirty look but made no response. 'What the bloody hell does he think he's doing?' he thought acidly. But Harry kept pushing. "Malfoy, look, you can a least answer if I saw hello."

"Fuck off Harry," Draco spat back, unceremoniously.

Harry felt his indignation rise. "There is no need to talk like that! For the love of Merlin I just said Hello! Would it kill you to be civil?"

"Why the hell should I be civil to you? You come in here with this 'hail the conquering hero' attitude and I'm suppose to buy it? Do me a favor and drop dead."

"Look, I thought now that we had a common cause---"

Draco spun around furious. "COMMON CAUSE??!!!! Is that what you consider Ginny? A CAUSE?! You make me sick, you know that? You come back here The Great Knight in Shining Armor came to save the poor Damsel in Distress from the Fire Breathing Dragon---"

"ICE breathing! You're to dead to breathe fire!"

Draco turn away from him in disgust snarling, "I don't have time for this or for you. Nothing's changed. You still don't have a clue about what you're dealing with. And you know what? You're not going to find out either. You know why? Because you're afraid of what you'd find if you looked at Ginny for what she is. Afraid that she wouldn't be your poor trapped child to rescue; afraid that she'd be like me."

Harry felt so angry he actually see himself using an Unforgivable Curse on Draco. Raging he said, "Like YOU?! Ludicrous! No matter what she does or how she feels she's still a human being which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for you! "

But he had gone too far and even he knew it. Before he could retract what he said Draco launched himself at Harry. Two seconds later Harry was flat on his back with a bloody nose and Draco above him fist balled ready for a second serving. "Look I'm SORR---" Draco slammed his fist into his face again. Harry grabbed Draco's free arm and flipped him aside. Scrambling up he pulled himself out of Draco's way shouting, "Look I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry!!" Draco stood glowering fists still ready to beat him up at a moments notice.

"Look Draco, whatever our differences, we're supposed to be on the same side. You're not my enemy--" he said as if to convince himself.

But Draco made it easier on him, "Oh I'm not, am I? Well make no mistake, Harry, YOU are mine."

And with that he walk out of the room. Harry shouted behind him, "You'd better be careful Malfoy! Because if she gets worse, if you hurt her in ANY way, I'll kill you. I mean IT! I'll be watching…"

But he was shouting to an empty room.



In the following days Harry was true to his word. He watched as often as he could in between classes and Quiditch. And what he saw confused him. Ginny was nicer to him after Persephone, but he was still clearly on the outside. Sometimes he would catch her… a look on her face, the twitch of her fingers and an alarm would go off in his head. But when he tried to corner her at those times it was like she didn't see him, like she didn't see anything except some unfathomable pain that he couldn't get near. But almost worse for him were the days when she passed by him breathless and fiery, smiling at some private happiness that he had no part in. He wanted to shake her, to make her see that he cared and that he wanted to help but there was a glass barrier between him that he couldn't seem break.

And Draco… he confuse Harry most of all. He was impossible, vicious and cruel to everyone within a ten foot radius, but it was like Ginny didn't see it. Was she blind? Draco was obviously trouble and it was impossible for her not realize what he did. But when he tormented The Creevey brothers, threw nasty comments at Hermione, or antagonized Ron to near murder, she never batted an eye. And what was worse was that on the worst days when he went from annoying and nasty to down right brutal, sometimes their gazes would meet and for a split second Harry could feel some sort of connection they made, even though neither of their expressions changed. What did she SEE in him? And why didn't he, the boy who lived, the boy who had held the monopoly of her crush for years, the one who wanted to help, have it?



Ginny threw herself down on the bed leaving her eyes to debate about crying. The tears were there, welling up under her lids, but would she cry? It didn't matter, her knife had already done it's job and the mesh work of thin red lines criss-crossing her arms was proof of that. The sting was almost enough to drown out the lump that had moved into her chest. Almost.

It had been a tedious day, little mistakes, little misunderstandings, leaving a whole atmosphere that screamed to her how she was just ten degrees off balance… on an edge about to fall

Ginny squeezed her eyes shut. No she would not cry. What was the point now, besides making her nose red and her eyes red and when that happened she looked like a skinny shriveled tomato. She wouldn't cry, but she let this new hurt on her skin wash over her and make all the other thoughts go away…

Meow.

Ginny opened her eyes.

Meow.

Rolling over she saw her tinny little Persephone clawing her way on to the bed to come and comfort her mistress. Ginny felt her spirits rise. She had never had a Familiar before. Familiars, like everything else in the Weasely household got passed down and none had been available that far down the line of Weasely children since Scabbers had turned out to be that miserable creature Pettigrew. But she had Persephone now and soon the kitten found her way to Ginny's neck where she began to rub herself in that ticklish kitty way and then climbed up on Ginny's stomach where she meowed again as if to ask what was wrong.

Ginny felt those tears come despite her resolve. She loved her little fur-ball very very much. Pulling her self in sitting position she gathered Persephone in a ball in her lap. "You see Perse, some days are good, and some days are horrible; but the very worst are the days when you hurt inside in all the wrong places and you're not even sure why… but no matter how hard you try an ignore it just eats away at you… This has been one of those days."

Persephone was purring contently in her hands as Ginny rubbed her head absently, remembering to scratch just behind her ears and beneath her chin.

"Sometimes they say something or act a certain way and it just throws me off balance and I can't seem to control what happens or how I feel… and then you see Perse, I need it. I need my little cuts and my little hurts so I can just get passed it. But the problem is that Draco was right… it's doesn't really make it go away, just delays paying the piper." Ginny rolled over placing Persephone in front of her. "And Harry is not making things easy. Oh I know kitty, that he's only trying to help… But he keeps watching me and I just want to run away. You see---" Here her voice dropped to a whisper "You see he thinks I don't notice when he stares at me. He thinks I don't see. But I do… And sometimes Perse, he sees my cuts till fresh and dripping… he just reels back and turns away and tried not to see. Because deep inside he's still scared. But can I really blame him, Persephone? I mean sometimes, I get scared too. And you can't really expect people to understand... not unless they've been there…." She paused. "… Like Draco."

Ginny began to scratch her kittens head absently. "He wasn't very happy today, was he? He was downright vicious… You should have seen the things he said to poor Neville. But I know on the days when he's like this that means he's hurting, Perse, really badly deep inside." Ginny sniffed resolvedly "So I guess that means, Persephone, that I should stop mopping around and go find him."

Persephone meowed in agreement.


Draco was in the process of washing several stacks of dirty dishes with building fury as he sloshed water everywhere and kicked the house-elves out of his way. He was serving out detention for calling Professor Trelawney a witless lying fraud as well as a raving lunatic. He has managed to create utter chaos in her class and he had the Slytherins behind him but in the end she beat him down with a simple, "MR. Malfoy you will spend this evening in the kitchen cleaning with the elves!"
He'd show her, thought Draco furiously, the old bat would be out of a job in a week. But his troubles ran deeper than that and they were eating away at him. Another letter from home and this one was more frightening than anything his father could have sent. It was no more than a few lines written in the shaking hand of his mother telling him not to come home; to stay away at all cost. Nothing shook him more than a plea from her, but the building pressure from his father was not something that could be ignored. In five months he'd graduate and he would no longer be able to hide behind the Hogwarts door. So he lashed out far and near and even though the Slytherins cheered him on they made sure to keep a wide radius from his wrath.

Finally the dishes were done and he stormed out amidst the screeching of house-elves that he blindly disregarded. Muttering drying spells under his breath as well was a host of swears he headed blindly for his special room, being in no mood to deal with the Slytherins at all.

Making sure no one was around, he blasted the door open… and beheld Ginny sitting on his bed lost for a moment in her own thoughts before she looked and hit him with her damn smile. "You're back," she said "We were getting worried."

Draco slammed the door shut. "We?" he asked.
Ginny lifted up Persephone.

Draco would have liked to hate the kitten, but she was ridiculously cute and when ever Ginny brought her she would curl up in his lap for a few minute before going back to her mistress. You just couldn't hate her.

He moved to sit down next to her but something… something in the look in her eyes, and more in the twitch of her fingers made him stop.

"What's wrong?" he asked
"Nothing," she answered softly. "I came be cause I thought you seemed---"
"You've had a long day haven't you?" he said ignoring her sentence.
"Every day's a long day."
He nodded. "How bad was it?"
"I really just came to---"

But Draco sat down pulled her back into his lap carefully. He had forgotten for the time that he was hurt and furious and that he wanted to kill something. All that mattered was the expression in Ginny's face that made her smile seem so sad. When she relaxed in his hold, he carefully moved the sleeves of her robes upwards. She didn't show any resistance, she had stopped trying to hide from him a long time ago. When he saw the plaid work she had made on her arms something twisted painfully inside him; a feeling he never got used to no matter how many time he saw her like this. He hated everything and everyone; he hated that he lived in a world where someone like Ginny was driven to this.

"Can you tell me what happened," he asked. Ginny shook her head, fighting once again the tears that welled up unbidden in her eyes. "It's really nothing… a thousand little things that go wrong and take me all apart… But I didn't come here for this I came because I wanted---"

Draco cut her off again, "What started today? What's went wrong?"
"Darco, I'll start crying----"
"Crying is good."

He felt her body tremble and her will dissolve. And slowly she began to draw in jagged breaths. "Professor McCgonagall was impressed by my last transformation job, I turned a set of quills into a flock of canaries. So she told me to demonstrate for the class, next lesson. I was so excited that I practiced all night. I wanted to turn ten sickles into butterflies. Well I over slept in the morning and I was in hurry not to be late so I grabbed my wand and ran to class. I stood up in front of the class and said the spell... And my wand turned into a-a---a rubber chicken."

Draco turned her around to face him. "What? How did your wand turn into a chicken?"

Ginny face screwed up painfully. "Fake wands. Fred and George made them… we must have a doze floating around the Gryffindor common room, this isn't the first time it's happened to someone. I picked one up by mistake… But that was just the start. It went downhill from then on. In Charms I forgot my scroll in my room and during Potions, Snape take it upon himself to inform me that unless by some miracle I aced his next test I was going to fail," she paused "Then later after my last class I was walking and I heard these girls talking… they were talking about that girl, Michele. She's back in school apparently. I just made me so sick inside to listen to them; and I just lost it."

He dint' say anything for a long time and when he spoke next his voice seemed to come from very far away. His hands tightened around her and he said, "Can you tell me, Ginny… what it feels like, when that craving comes…"

Her eyes closed and she felt back against him her throat constricting. "It's starts so small… just when something goes wrong something flares in my mind and I think about my knife. But then I shut it up and distract myself with something… but things keep tripping up and falling out of place like a painting where the paints have to much water in them and you TRY and keep the colors separate, they keep running together across the paper… And something happens and I start to feel that little bit of ugliness inside and I see in every step I take how flawed I am and I try to make it better, to be better, but I keep tripping up… and that's when the ache starts. Right in my chest and pressing on throat like I want to cry but I can't and I feel myself losing control….then this voice comes from inside and just whispers how I can make it all go away if I just cut a little bit… Just a little so my mind will stop spiraling down to where all the dark things are. And then I finally give in and I feel the blade on my skin. But it doesn't hurt at first. And I get so angry, because I NEED it to hurt or else it won't stop the ache inside so I cut and cut and cut until suddenly something clicks and it hurts enough that I can stop. Then I look down and I see all those little lines and the blood bubbles up like tiny red beads… then I realize have to wash it off before someone sees… So I run it under water and it Hurts. It hurts so much my eyes smart up and my head throbs and then, only then I can breathe because everything else gets washed away in the pain…."

Suddenly she jerked out of his arms and buried her head in her hands shaking her head violently heaving hard, tearless sobs. "Dear Lord, I am so UGLY inside!"

But Draco turned her around and forced her to look him in the face. "We ALL are a little ugly inside. Some more than others… but everybody, even your precious Harry and that nitwit Neville has ugliness inside. It there. It exists. But your still who you are." And she let her body relax and those damn tears that did not seem to want to leave her alone that day fell in salt rivers down her face.

Ginny wasn't sure how long she had been laying there on Draco's bed staring absently at the wall. He was writing something next to her, glancing at her every once in awhile to see if she was ready to talk. But sometimes it was better to just sit in silence and know deep in your soul that the person next to you understood with out words. But it wasn't a luxury Ginny was going to indulge in much longer. She knew she'd have to bring up it up sooner or later and she also knew that the scene that followed was not going to be pretty. All the same she pulled herself up and stretched catching his attention.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

He raked his fingers through his hair irritably. "Composing a letter to Daddy Dearest. I haven't written in a long time and he'll get suspicious. Things aren't well at home… I got a letter from my mother and she sounded---fractured."

Ginny nodded understandingly. "Is that why you were so…"
"Ruthless, today?" he finished for her "Yes," he said dryly.

Ginny began to twist her hair out of her face nervously. Perhaps now wasn't the time… but no she had made up her mind, she'd go through with it. Straightening her back she said, "Draco I want to talk to you about Neville."

Draco looked up slowly. Putting down his quill she watched as his face grew ten degrees harder in a matter of seconds. "What about him?" he asked coldly.
Ginny cringed inside; as she had suspected this was not going to be pretty.
"I understand why you do, what you do. You need to, to get by and I would never question that… but you shouldn't attack Neville the way you do. There are some two-hundred student in this school, couldn't you pick on somebody else?"

Ginny watched sadly as with every word she said she saw his face get colder and harder until she could audible hear his teeth grinding together. But his next line caught her off guard.

"How. DARE. You. Do I ASK why you have to bleed yourself to death to get from one day to the next? Do I QUESTION how much you have to cut, or when or why?! Then HOW DARE you TELL me what I can and can't do with my life!?"

"I'm not TELLING you to do anything!" she shouted back "I am asking you. You don't have to listen to me, but I had to ask… because even you have lines you don't cross, Draco and Neville should be on one of them."

"Oh please!" he hissed "A wet behind the ears kid without a shred of intellect and you want me to spare him because he's a pansy-ass---"

"He's lost enough, for Merlin's sake! Did you know his parents were torture to INSANITY by Death Eaters?"

Draco blinked but fought to hide his surprise from his face. Ginny caught it anyhow. "They don't even know him anymore when they see him, that's how lost they are! And his Uncle was killed in the second Uprising and then going home last summer to find a Dark Mark over his door! And YOU needling him and pushing him is like rubbing salt in a wound because he can't do anything---"

"I'm not one of your Gryffindor heroes, Ginny! You knew that from the start. I'm not out to save the whole damn world, I can't even save myself!"

"I know what you are, Draco. And I know what you could be. AND I know what you'll become if you keep letting all the people around you take away what's left of your humanity---"

"I AM NOT A DEATH EATER!" he shouted

"I KNOW THAT! I do! But if you keep pushing him he'll break---"

"Then get him a hero, Ginny. Go find Harry and tell him he has a new 'cause' he can save. Or better yet, just get him a blade."

Ginny reeled back as if he had slapped. Draco grimaced angrily; he hated it when he pushed her too far. But before he could say anything she had scrambled of his bed and was heading to the door.
He was so angry. Everything was wrong, he was wrong and he hated her for making him wrong. But worse he hated her for walking away.
Furiously he sprang up and grabbed her harshly by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him. Ginny started at the act; Draco hardly ever tighten a grip on her, but his hold on her was so strong right then that she had to fight the urge to wince.

"Do you know what you are going to do to me?! You're going to turn me into another Snape," he threw his head back and laughed, as if the thought was beyond all hysteria "Yes I can see it now, " he said "Me, the grimy hateful potions master minus the crooked nose. You'll give me just enough humanity to be useless to the dark side and leave me too hateful to ever be seen as anything BUT evil to the Good side. Oh what a BRILLIANT future I have! Can't wait…" his gazed returned to her, raking her over and seeing around, over and through her "Well what after that Ginny? After you've ruined me for both sides, what then? WHERE THE HELL DOES THAT LEAVE ME?!"

Ginny swallowed, her lips trembling and eyes smarting, but she didn't flinch in her answer. "With me," she said.

Two words and Draco felt his whole foundation crumble. Anger, frustration and hatred all turned to dust and he let go of her so suddenly, she almost stumbled background. He spun around and slumped down until he hit the floor and then leaned his head down against his knees. Ginny sat down next to him but when she leaned her head against his shoulder he said, "You should go to bed."

But Ginny ignored him and stayed there next to him until she felt his shoulders relaxed… she wouldn't leave with him like this. Persephone kept rubbing against them both purring silently. Finally he leaned his head back until he hit the bed and massaged his temples roughly and then pushed himself up off the floor, pulling her with him. "Get out of here before you get caught," he said. But the ice was gone from his face and now he just looked very very tired. That was alright she decided so she nodded gathered up Persephone and left.

When the door closed Draco collapsed exhausted on the bed. Why did it have to hurt so much?


Finally he headed back to the Slytherin common room. Wearily he passed through the corridors barely seeing where he was going, not even trying to find his way, but letting the passage ways change themselves and trusting them to get him where he needed to be. He started to go faster at the thought of sleep and blessed release it would be from thinking. He needed to stop thinking…his hands were starting to flex.

But fate has a mind of it's own. Making a sharp turn he crashed right into someone, throwing himself and the person down on the hard floor.

"Who the bloody Hell---" he started, but before he could finish he looked up to see that he had collided with none other than Neville Longbottom.

"Shit!" he hissed and with speed that sent Neville spinning, he sprang up and dragged Neville off the floor by the collar of his robes, slamming him against the wall.
"Just what I fucking need right now," he growled as Neville squirmed under his grip "What the hell are you doing here, Snivel?"

Neville kept twisting, his eye wide with fear. He had already had one dose of Malfoy that day, but when he realized it was pointless wrestling with a well trained Seeker he faced Malfoy trembling. "I had detention in the Potions dungeon! I just got lost, for Merlin's sake, now let me go!"

Neville had a look that reminded Draco of his mother when she tried to stand up to his father knowing she was going to be bleeding in the end of it. The look just made him angrier.

Slamming Neville up against the wall again he shouted, "Do you know how much I hate?! I mean really hate you! You know, popular rumor aside, I'm really not a murderous person by nature, but the sight of you starts a real blood lust in me! Everything about you just makes me furious. I HATE YOU!"

"B-but you don't even know me.." stuttered Neville
"SHUT UP!" shouted Draco "Now you see I have a problem," he continued "I rather like Hogwarts, free food, nice bed sheets, plenty of people to terrorize, and I don't want to have to leave to go to Azkaban for killing someone as worthless as you! So here's the deal. From this day on you don't exist. I don't see you, I don't know you… You are not here. You stay out of my way at all times. Avoid me like the plague. Come to the Great Hall from a different entrance, and in Potions don't you dare make me notice you at all! Because if after today you barge into the scope of my life, I will THROTTLE YOU! Do you understand?"

For a moment Neville looked like he didn't understand what was going on. Then it dawned on him that this was his chance to be rid of Draco for good.
"F-f-fine Malfoy," he said "If it means I never have to see you again."

"Good," said Draco dropping Neville in a heap on the ground.
"You won't exist to me either!" called Neville.

But Draco didn't even turn around.

In the Slytherin common room Draco didn't even attempt to be civil to people as he made his way to the dorm room. Once he was there, he threw himself down, not bothering to change. His mind was chaotic and sore and his fingers would not stop trembling…

Oh he loved her, but he damned the day he had first saw her trembling hands on that Hogwarts train as much as he worship the day he had first seen her smile.











Okay that's done. Next chapter is very very ugly so enjoy this okay? Rating hikes up to R so be prepared. By the way, I don't want it to seem like everything bad always happens to Ginny, when I describe her 'bad days'. Please realize that the situations she is in could and do happen to everyone. I'm just trying to show her emotional fragility. And when Ginny says that you have to be a cutter to understand cutting, I don't necessarily agree with that. I think people with drug addictions and eating disorders have a very real idea of what self abuse is like and even normal people can understand pain. Having been there helps, but I certainly don't mean to undermine the empathic abilities of people who are free from the monkeys some of us have to deal with. There is certainly nothing wrong with being normal.


Amanda Mancini and all the others asking about Persephone: that will be made clear later, it's not important, but it has a purpose.

Kat Riddle: Don't you just love cats? I dedicate that part to my cat Gus, who is some times the only thing that feels right at home, oh the song Iris? That was the theme song for Silver Scars. I don't really like song fics, but I use my songs to kinda set the feel for a chapter. I'm glad somebody reads them…

Riverwinde: I really think I may have permanently lost that first chapter. If so I'll finish the fic and then go back and re write it (aarrrrgghhhh… I hate doing that)

LilyAyl: I'm glad you liked both stories… About not understanding cutting, that's understandable. It doesn't always make sense the idea of combating emotional pain with physical pain. I appreciate that you're reading the fic anyways. I'm trying to explain why people feel driven to self abuse and I hope that at the end of this you'll have a better idea about it. About the ending… I already know exactly how this fic is going to end (I never start a fic without a clear idea of what I'm writing) And 'they lived happily ever after' is about as far from the ending as it gets. I DON'T write sap. If you're lucky they'll all make it out alive… but don't worry, not at any time is this a suicide fic. Just hang in there the worst is yet to come. Be warned, Lily, it will get much worse before it gets better.