Chapter Four
James Potter lay on his bed in the seventh years Gryffindor boys dormitory trying to sort through the mess that had become his life. Everything was suddenly so complicated. He desperately wanted things to go back to the way they were a month ago before he had kissed Lily Evans. Or she kissed him. He couldn't remember anymore and, at this point he wasn't even sure made any difference. She hadn't spoken to him since then and seemed to be taking every opportunity to avoid him. As he sighed and rolled over, the door to the dormitory opened. A few moments later he heard Sirius ask, "Uh...James...I was just wondering when you were coming down. We're about to leave for Hogsmeade."
"I'm not going," James replied without rolling over to look at Sirius.
"You can't stay up here and sulk forever."
"I'm not sulking," James said as he moved to sit up on the side of the bed. "I just don't want to go. We've been going there once a month for four years. I can't believe you still think it's still fun!"
Sirius blinked at him as though he didn't exactly know how to respond to that. "Fine! See you later then," he finally responded as he left the room leaving James alone with his thoughts.
As soon as James was sure that his friends had indeed left for Hogsmeade, he got up and headed out of the common room towards the doors of the Entrance Hall. He needed fresh air, though he wasn't really sure if it would help his mood. He walked quietly through the halls, trying to make as little noise as possible. Even though he wasn't breaking any rules, there were just some people he didn't want to run into, especially given his foul disposition. Once safely outside, he headed towards the Quidditch pitch without really thinking about it. However, instead of getting his broom, he headed to the top row of the stands. He had only been there as a spectator and he now discovered that it was a good place to sit and think without being easily discovered. As he scanned the grounds of the Hogwarts campus, his eyes landed on a blur of red and black. He squinted, trying to discern the identity of the figure.
Great, he thought to himself. It was Lily Evans. He slouched further down into his seat, hoping she wouldn't notice him. He heard her footsteps climbing towards his section. He chanced a glance in her direction. She didn't seem to notice him yet, but she was getting closer to him. Suddenly, a few feet from him, she stopped, her eyes finally focusing on him.
She spoke softly, "I didn't think anyone was up here. Sometimes I come up here to think and clear my head." Her voice was distant, as if she were talking to no one in particular.
James was unable to respond. He only stared blankly at her.
"Do you mind if I sit here?" she asked, motioning to the seat next to him.
"No, " he replied and he stood up before she could sit down. "I'll leave so that you can be alone." He stood up to leave.
However, just as he was walking past her, she lightly placed her hand on his arm and whispered, "Bye." This simple gesture caused him to stop and look down into her eyes searching his for an answer. Did she want him to stay or go?
All he got were more questions.
Perhaps it was the light touch of Lily's hand on his arm or the way she was looking at him at that moment or maybe it was just the fact that she didn't seem to want him to leave although she had been running from him for the past few weeks, but James seemed to be suddenly overcome with something. Exactly what, he wasn't sure, but it caused him to do the stupidest thing he had ever done. "I think I'm in love with you!" he blurted out abruptly.
Lily was visibly startled by this unexpected revelation. She quickly dropped her hand from his arm and sat dropped down into the nearest seat.
James silently and carefully sat down next to her. For a long time, neither one said anything. They only stared out across the Hogwart's grounds, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Lily, sighed and broke the silence. "It's really beautiful up here, isn't it?" she asked.
"Yes," James replied. He was too upset with himself to say anything more, not that anything could be as stupid as what he'd just said.
"I come up here a lot to think and clear my head," Lily said after a short pause.
"You said that already," James said, turning slightly to look at her.
She ignored him and continued, "If you look through those trees, you can see the gate. It's the most beautiful sight at sunset, the way the light filters through."
James reached over and gently touched her hand. "Did you hear what I said?" he asked with more than a hint of desperation in his voice.
"I did, " Lily replied as she quickly jerked her hand away from his. "What do you want me to say?"
"Well, I was sort of hoping you'd say that you love me too," he said quietly.
She shifted in her seat so she could look at him too. "Why do you think that you are in love with me," she confronted him.
He stared at her for a few moments before looking away. "It's not something that I can explain. I just know that I am."
"But it can't be true," she said in a voice that almost seemed amused. "You don't know me well enough to be in love with me."
"What?" he said, shocked that she could think that. "I've know you for almost seven years!"
"You don't really know me," she replied. "What's my favourite subject, how many bothers and sisters do I have? How long…"
"None of that matters," he interrupted. "I don't need to know all of those things to know that I love you." He said this as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"It's impossible," she said with a finality that caused his heart to shatter into a million tiny pieces.
"Fine. I'm sorry you feel that way, " he said, not bothering to keep the hurt out of his voice.
This time when he got up to leave, she made no move to stop him.
* * * * * * * * *
The next few months passed in a blur for the seventh year Gryffindors. Everyone was busy studying for the N.E.W.T.'s and making plans for their futures without school. They were so busy, in fact, that no one noticed anything was different between Lily and James. It was so easy for them to avoid one another in all the confusion of planning and studying that sometimes an entire week would pass in which they hadn't even seen each other once.
For James the torture was almost unbearable. He knew that he should be studying and planning for his own future. However, the thought of not having Lily in that future frightened him so much that he wasn't sure of he could face it. If things didn't improve between the two of them, it was very likely that he would never see her again after they left school.
About a month before school ended, James made a decision. He was going to make sure that he and Lily at least remained friends after they left school. He wasn't sure just how he was going to accomplish this, but he was sure that it would involve awkward silences and uncomfortable moments. Exactly the kind of thing he had been trying to avoid for the past few months.
This decision was easily made in the comfort of his own room where there was no chance of him running into Lily but when he walked into the library later that day and saw her sitting at a table, surrounded by books and parchment, he felt that becoming her friend again would be the hardest thing he had ever done. James took a deep breath summoning the courage to approach her table. As he neared, she looked up and seemed startled to notice that he was actually coming over to talk to her/ James wasn't sure if she was going to yell at him or ignore him so when she simply said, "Hi, James," he was pleasantly surprised. So surprised in fact that he continued to stand in front of her, gaping without response, for much longer that was customary.
"You can sit down, if you want," she said breaking him away from his thoughts.
"Thanks," he replied a as he took the seat across from her. "Studying?" As soon the question was out of his mouth, he mentally cursed himself for being so stupid. Of course she was studying. She was in the library and they did have N.E.W.T.'s two weeks.
"Yeah," she replied, looking up at him with an exasperated expression in her face. "I'm having a little trouble with Transfiguration."
"Really, can I help? It's my best subject."
"I know," she said and James couldn't help but smile a bit. "I just can't get the Prestiosus spell to work properly for me so I decided to look up the theory behind the incantation." The Prestiosus was a spell to transfigure a simple feather into a representation of something that the person casting it holds dear. It was very difficult and not everyone mastered it. Of course, it was also pretty useless and thus was only worth bonus points for an Advanced Transfiguration N.E.W.T.
"Well," James replied, "you don't really need to do that. With this particular spell, you just need to concentrate and visualize the transformation taking place."
"Visualize it! How are you supposed to do that? I don't even know what my feather would turn into."
"You don't have to. You just need to imagine the transformation taking place. As you are imagining it, the object will appear in you mind's eye and then you will be able to visualize it."
Lily didn't seem convinced. "I don't know," she said shaking her head. "It can't be that simple."
"It is," James responded. "I think we can get some feathers and practice, if you want."
"All right , but what if we get caught? I'm Head Girl, you know. I can't go around getting into trouble," she teased. James and his group of friends were known trouble makers. No one understood how he ever became Head Boy.
"We won't get caught. Besides, Professor McGonnagal won't care as long as we are practising for our N.E.W.T.'s. She's not as bad as people think. And, besides, I'm Head Boy so how much trouble could we get into," he said smiling and giving her a wink. He couldn't believe how easy it still was to talk to her and wanted this feeling of easiness between the two of them to last as long as possible.
* * * * * * * * *
Lily and James had found feathers and were now sitting in an empty classroom ready to practice. "Remember what I told you," James said to Lily.
Lily lamented that the spell was impossible and she would never be able to do it.
"Yes you will. It's not as hard as it sounds." James encouraged her. "Try it."
"That's easy for you to say, your great at Transfiguration. I'll never be able to get it to work."
"Try it!" James said with a finality that left Lily little room to argue.
"Okay," she said as she took a deep breath and pointed her wand at the feather. "Exprimo Precarus," she said.
Nothing happened.
She took another breath and said the incantation again. Still nothing happened.
"See," she said frustrated. "I can't do it! I'm hopeless at Transfiguration."
"Calm down," said James as he briefly brushed her arm in an effort to pacify her. "It's a very difficult spell. Try this, maybe it'll help. Close your eyes."
Lily looked at him sceptically, but obeyed.
"Now think about what it is that has always made you happy." As he watched her do this he noticed the corner of her mouth turn up into a small smile and he thought about how long it had been since he'd seen her smile, even a little. He also thought he had never seen her look more beautiful. "Have you got it?" he asked before he got carries away with himself and did something stupid again like kiss her.
"Mmm hmm," she responded, not wanting to let go of her happy memory.
"Good, now keep that thought in you mind as you recite the spell again. Ready?"
She opened her eyes and said, "Exprimo Precarus." This time her feather turned into a beautiful ornately carved mahogany music box. Lily was amazed. She reached out to touch the box, but jerked her hand away before she made contact with the wood. Before James could ask her what was wrong, she reached towards the music box again this time picking it up and opening it. As the song began to play, she gasped. "My mother used to sing that song to me when I was a child." Her voice was quiet, but filled with emotion and she seemed to be fighting back tears.
This caused James's heart to break for her and all the hurt she was going through. At the same time he didn't know what to do. He had spoken to her a total of three times in as many months and two of those times he had made a colossal fool of himself. He Didn't want to do that again.
Before he had time to make a decision, however, Lily slammed the box closed, pointed her wand at it and said, "Finite Incantatem!"
Without looking at him, she began to pack away her things. James reached out and pulled her bag out of her hand. "You can't just run away every time you begin to feel something!" He was unsure if he was talking about her parents or him, but it didn't matter. He was sure she needed to hear it.
"Yes I can," she said angrily. She reached for her bag, but James held it just out of her reach.
"Talk to me," James said stubbornly. Lily's expression was one of fury. "I want to help you," James said in a softer tone.
Lily gave up and sat back down at the table. She sighed and placed her head in her hands. "I just don't know what to do anymore. Everything's so complicated. I can't let myself feel anything…" her voice trailed off.
James pulled his chair closer to hers so that he was facing her. He reached over and lightly brushed the hair out of her eyes. He let his hand linger for a few moments on her brow as he looked searchingly into her beautiful emerald eyes. At that moment he realized something: she was looking back at him.
He finally let his hand drop, but he did not move away from her. "Petunia," he said almost in a whisper.
"What?"
James took a deep breath and continued, "Petunia is your sister's name, your favourite subject is charms, which is also your best, you have a little dog named Baxter and…"
Lily was startled. "How do you know all of that?"
"I told you already," he said.
Lily looked at him for a long time with wide eyes. Finally, she said in a voice that was barely audible, "Tell me again."
Now it was James's turn to looked startled for a moment. He took her hands into his and said, "I told you already…I love you. I think I will always love you."
Lily smiled at him, but did not say anything. Instead she leaned closer to him and kissed him on the cheek. "I think that I love you too," she murmured into his ear.
James pulled back from her a little so he could look into her eyes. "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure and I know that letting myself love you will be the hardest thing that I have ever done, but I have to do it because I can't bear to just leave here and never see you again."
Now James was smiling. "Really? That's exactly what I thought," he said as he bent down to kiss her on the mouth. This kiss was entirely different from the first one that they had shared so many months ago. This one was full of electricity and passion and the promise of a future that they both finally knew that they would be spending together.
A/N: The spell and incantation were taken directly from the Latin language and since I don't speak any Latin, I'm sure I butchered the usage of the words which I simply typed into an English to Latin translator. (In case you are wondering, prestious means "precious", exprimo means "represent" and precarus means "to hold very dear".)
Also, I apologize to anyone who was hoping to see Remus. He, Harry and Ginny will be back in the next chapter. J
