Disclaimer: They're still not mine. I promise.
This chapter is not happy. But it's important. Bare with me on this one.
Notes to my reviewers at the bottom.
I'll just say sorry right now for any mistakes.
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding
in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding
in my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding
(Hemorrhage in my Hands: Fuel)
"And then our great Master of Bravery actually screamed, a girly scream mind you mates, throwing the bottle of beetle juice IN the air as the spider crawled on his hand. THAT is a real token to Gryffindor bravery…"
Draco's voice could be heard throughout the entire hall. It was the third time he had reenacted Ron's misfortune in Potions that day and the entire Slytherin table was in a hysterical uproar.
Ron was fuming, being forcibly held down by both Hermione and Harry to stop him from beating Draco's face in.
"Just ignore him," Hermione whispered "He's trying to get a raise out of you, don't give him the satisfaction."
Ginny sat farther down at the table eating her steak and kidney pie, apparently oblivious to what was going on. Of course that was a façade, in actuality she was experiencing everything Draco was…
It wasn't very pleasant.
He had not received any letters from his father or heard any new rumors to justify this particular attack on her brother. No… this was spurred by pure malicious cruelty as far as she could discern.
"Well what do you expect from a second rate moron in a second rate family? Oi Ronniekins, how's it feel to be second hand in everything? Second hand side kick, second hand robes… hey is that one of the ones I donated to charity last year? Fancy seeing it on you…"
He was pushing his limits. Ron was never any good at controlling his temper and if Draco kept at it, he wouldn't be fighting Ron with magic but with his fists. Ginny swallowed a large gulp of pumpkin juice and waited.
"… even a second hand girlfriend. Does anyone have any estimates on how many times the Mud-Blood shagged Potter before she got bored and went for the second?"
Ginny put her glass down. He had done it. Ron was going to kill.
She didn't bother to listen to Ron's swearing or turn around to see him launch himself across the Gryffindor table at Draco. She tuned out the cheering and the booing from the hall and focused for a moment on what feelings were running through Draco's adrenaline drench mind. He loved a good dirty fight. She swam around in his emotions for a moment until she felt filthy then she stood up and left. No one noticed her leaving in the hectic state the hall was in.
She wasn't worried about her brother, Ron could hold his own against any fistfight in the school. And she wasn't worried about Draco either, a teacher would come and stop the whole mess soon enough. She just walked quietly outside and waited.
Draco was being wrenched out from under Ron and Professor Snape was giving them both detention. Draco put on a dramatic act of being innocently attacked by a rabid Ron, which of course all the Slytherin's attested to. Draco watched Snape's face twist with pure hatred towards him (Snape never liked him) but as always the Professor was overcome by a sordid will to make the Gryffindors the losers. The Gryffindors were raging furiously, but Snape let him off in the end. Draco walked out sore but entirely satisfied. He wasn't sure where he was headed but he felt like moving with the adrenaline rush still working on his system. It took a few minutes for his mind to stop racing and for him to think rationally again. The first question that popped into his mind was why he did what he did. It wasn't something direct from home or something at school that triggered it; it was deeper than that. His eyes narrowed. Part of it was Ginny. He wondered silently what her reaction was… he wanted to see if she was angry or disappointed, he was sure she would be. Would she yell at him? Or be upset? Or sulk? He hated sulking. Pansy Perkinson sulked over everything. Ginny was not a sulker, but after the display he had given… In his mind, he felt for her presence… and drew a blank. The sensation, or lack thereof, startled him. He searched harder and felt a faint presence of her, but it was weak.. like she was very far away. That wasn't right, she couldn't have left the grounds and her persona was never this faint even when one of them was at Hogsmeade. Without warning he felt panicky. He had to find her.
Ginny felt his panic rising. She hated doing this, hiding from him in his own mind, but she didn't like being played with and if he insisted on trying to pull her strings she'd make him own up to it.
It was fifteen minutes before he stumbled upon her in the grass in one of the secluded courtyards surrounding the school. When he saw her teasing Persephone with dandelion fluff he felt incredibly furious.
"Ginny where have you been?!" he shouted
"Right here," she answered evenly. She didn't even look up.
Draco wondered if she could feel him in her mind, or if whatever change had taken place was one-sided. She certainly didn't seem worried about anything… but what if she didn't care about not feeling him in her mind? What if it wasn't as important to her as it was to him? The coldness built up like an ice wall around him… which was abruptly shattered by the stun of her persona breaking through.
"I don't like being iced out," she said quietly.
Draco jumped. "I couldn't feel you. Where were you?"
"In you mind, just hiding. When you rampage like that it gives me a headache. It easier for me to hide you know, till you quiet down."
He scowled at her. "Why the bloody hell did you do that?"
"Why the bloody hell did you attack my brother?" she retorted.
It was enough to incite him further than he had planned to go. A malicious smile curled across his face. "I felt like getting someone. Ron is SUCH an easy target. That felt so good today…" He could hear what he was saying and how it sounded. He could feel how angry she was getting with every word but he couldn't stop. It was a compulsion he felt to push her as far as she would go and she knew it just as much as he did. The knowledge that he was intentionally trying to hurt her made her furious. She almost gave in. It was so tempting to just shove him out of her way, but that was exactly what he expected her to do.
Damned if she was going to give him the satisfaction.
"Why are you pushing me away?" she demanded. "Don't give me any bullshit about it being for the rush or whatever you call it, you're doing this to force me into some sort of corner. You know if you don't want me near you just say 'Ginny, I don't want to be with you anymore'. Trust me I'll leave and you'll never see me again. But don't you DARE take the easy way out and try to force me to walk away. I won't. I won't just decide to hate you and I won't condemn you as an inhuman monster and decide that you're not what I thought you were. I KNOW exactly what you are, Draco and you're not going to get a quick painless exit. If you want me to leave, tell me up front, but don't hide like a coward behind some make shift wall of cruelty."
This was like a poker game where some one had just called his bluff. He hated that she had seen through his display and worse, called him on it. And called his a coward. He was risking everything just standing there with her and she called him a coward? His face twisted angrily and without meaning to he was yelling.
"You are such a little fool, Ginny! I've told you again and again that this-what we're playing at-is dangerous. I'm not good. I'm not kind or gentle or anything you want, so just make it easy on everyone and get out now." His voice dropped. "It will be so much better this way. I know you think this will end happily but it won't. Ginny---" he took her by the shoulders, even though she flinched away. "-Ginny something will happen. We'll both just get hurt…"
"You think I'm not already hurt? Do you think the reason why I put up with you is to escape pain? Ha! Isn't that a sort of contradiction of terms? I don't bloody care! I just want to BE damnit! Not be good, or happy or reasonable, JUST BE! Preferably with you. And I don't care about logic and common sense I just care about getting from ONE DAY to the next and making it out alive. I WANT YOU to be with me. But if you don't want that then tell me so I can get on with my life."
She was so damn analytical. She was so honest. She drove him insane. He wanted to hit her, or shake her… something that would make her see what a Black Hole they were throwing themselves into.
"We are going to loose. Do you understand that? One way or another we are going to loose everything."
She shook her head. "If I spend what little time I have doing what I want, with whom ever I want, I can't loose everything. At least I'll have the experience. You only loose everything when you die." Ginny swallowed. She didn't want to say what she was going to say but it was bound to come to this sooner or later. "I can't fix everything that happened to you. I can't make up for all the terrible things you went through, nobody can. But you have a choice. You can live passed it and get hurt or you can lock yourself in and be safe. But YOU make that choice, don't try and force it on me."
He gazed at her through narrow eyes that made him look cold and cruel. She didn't flinch under the stare, but waited for him to say something. She unnerved him and what was worse, he was sure she could feel it as well. He wanted to take her hands and forget everything except her… but he was being pulled by too much hatred and cold fear to let go. Draco closed his eyes unconsciously and hoped desperately that when he opened them she would just disappear. He focused on the spiraling florescent lights behind his eyelids, until he felt her change in his mind and his eyes snapped opened. And lo and behold she was leaving.
His breath caught in his throat and before he could stop himself he called out, "Hey! Where are you going?"
She didn't turn around. "Somewhere, anywhere," she answered "The forest, maybe. It doesn't matter."
So that was it, he thought. All he had to do was let her walk away and they would both be free. Well. That was easy. Swallow. Breathe. Just let her go… But then her head disappeared behind a dip in the landscape and his nerves shattered. 13 seconds later he was running behind her, praying he was still in time and that he could catch up.
Time seemed to flow faster when they were together. She could feel it passing her in a whirlwind, bringing some undeniable future closer. Ginny fought back by focusing on the present, getting through each hour and minute at a time. The future wasn't important even if it was just around the corner, haunting her with a defeat to her piece of happiness.
The pancakes were filled with blueberries and dripping with melted butter and syrup. There was no better way to begin a morning than with blueberries pancakes, sausages, eggs and hot coffee. It was that dreamy time of year when the weather was warm and everything was alive. Ginny was thoroughly enjoying her breakfast with Neville beside her, telling her about his mysterious 'girl'. 'She' helped him in the greenhouse and 'she' understood him like none of his so-called friends could, "except you of course, Gin", he said. He wouldn't give her name but he was happier than she had seen him in a very long time. 'She' had apparently not had it easy at school, but he would not give details only saying that 'she' needed to be taken care of and he didn't mind doing it one bit. Ginny grinned at him over her coffee cup; it was good to see him chattering again. Everything felt good this morning.
The mail came in a storm of flocking owls dropping parcels to those who were fortunate enough to get them. Ginny got a letter from Charlie in the midst of Teen Witch subscription letters and advertisements for magic hair gel. She tucked the letter under her arm to read in the quiet of her dorm later and focused her attention back on Neville who was now talking about his work with healing plants and how much easier it was than learning how to apparate, which was what the other seventh years were doing. She was lifting her mug for another swig of coffee when something shot through her head like lightening. It shook her up so much she fumbled with her glass, sloshing hot coffee everywhere. Neville was already mopping her off when she focused again.
"Ginny, what's wrong? What happened? You just blacked out on me," said Neville concerned.
Ginny answered him without hearing her own words. Something was wrong with Draco. She had never felt such panic run through him before. She tried her best to send some sort of comfort to him through their link and get him to calm down, while trying to find his platinum blonde head in the crowded hall.
Draco Malfoy sat staring at the letter in his hand. At first he had thought it was just another threat from his father, something annoying, but that could be dealt with. But one look at the transcript and he saw the hand was by his mother, written very hastily as if she was rushing to get the letter done. The monthly notes from his mother were always supervised by his father and this clearly was not… it could only be a warning of some sort. But he was in the Great Hall with a room full of people; this was not the time to panic. He hid his discomfort under a sneer and a complaint that his allowance was late. He accepted Ginny's waves of empathy gladly and swallowed down his nervousness for later.
The day seemed promising enough for Ginny. She had studied hard for her latest potions exam and had come out on top though Snape tried his hardest to cut marks where he could. Harry was being less hovering than usually and Ron had taken out time after lunch to sit with her at his own request. The two of them had taken her memorisphere and were calling up some of the most hilarious Weasely family moments they could think of. Hermione joined them later on and got her an inside view of Ron's first teddy-bear turned spider scene and watched as Fred and George reigned havoc on what was supposed to be a Weasely family reunion. (The usual, turning hard-boiled eggs raw and making their mother's famous triple layered truffle turn into a spinach and liver casserole)
It would have been perfect fun if Ginny didn't have the constant uneasiness wavering off Draco. She tried to make time to see him, but her schedule was helpless and she couldn't pass up time with Ron… her brother was acting worried about her and she wanted to reassure him. She made up her mind in the evening that the next morning she would try and search him out before breakfast and find out what was wrong. In the meantime she went to bed early so she could get an earlier rise the next day.
Ginny woke in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. A wave crashed over her making her bite her lips to keep from screaming. Panic. Pure maniac terror and unreasonable fear. Ginny was completely disoriented and in so much pain she could just barely breathe.
'Draco what's wrong?' she thought out before she realized that he couldn't read her mind… or feel her concern most likely because his emotions were so strong they over powered everything she felt. It hadn't been this bad since that first week when she had had to deal with the novelty of feeling Draco in her head for the first time.
It took all her concentration just to stand up, take her wand and leave the room. Even then she walked straight into a wall in the first three steps. She stumbled to the door and wandered blindly down the steps.
Harry was sitting up in the common room staring blindly at the walls. He couldn't sleep. He had tossed and turned for hours to no avail. In the end he gave up and instead headed to the common room to begin practicing the counter spell for the empathy charm he had put on Draco and Ginny. He wanted to be able to perform it perfectly if the time ever came up when they wanted the charm removed. Not that that was likely to happen… he wanted to be furious with Draco, but he had to admit that Ginny had been the happiest he had ever seen her in the past month. Well it didn't matter anyways, he had long since given up… then he looked up and saw Ginny stumbling across the room completely oblivious to his presence. She seemed to be heading for the portrait, but what worried him was that the expression on her face was one of extreme pain.
"Ginny where are you going?! Are you alright?" he asked in an urgent hushed whisper.
She started at his voice and stared at him blankly for several seconds before she comprehended that it was him before her.
"Harry, I'm fine," she muttered trying to get to the portrait, but he blocked her way.
"Ginny, what is going on? You can't go sneaking around at all hours of the night! And Gin, you don't look well at all… sit down and tell me what's wrong."
"Oh, Harry, I don't have time for this! I'm fine just leave me alone!" she snapped. Then softer she said, "Something's wrong with Draco and I have to get to him. Just let me go and the sooner I leave the sooner I'll be back."
Harry hesitated. This didn't seem like a good idea at all to him. "How are you planning on getting to the Slytherin Boys' dormitory in the middle of the night? Ginny just wait it out until morning…"
"Harry this can't wait! I don't have time to explain and justify myself to you, just GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
Harry knew better than to argue with Ginny when she was in that sort of state. He stepped out of her way and watched her scramble out of the portrait hole.
Standing defeated he whispered,
"Be careful."
Ginny knew that Draco would not be in his dorm room or even the Slytherin common room. He would never let his guard down anywhere near other people. So she headed towards his room still trying to maintain focus. When she reached there she whispered the spell to open it and stepped inside. Right away she knew he wasn't there, what she was feeling in her mind would have been blaring if he was. But where did he go?
'He doesn't want to be found,' she thought anxiously. What on earth had happened to him?
Realizing she didn't have any guide at all to get to him she just concentrated on the strength of their link and tried to follow it to him.
When ten minutes later she stumbled into some musty room at the end of another dark corridor, the panic in her head had reduced to a violent menacing despair that was so potent it almost brought her to her knees. She found him hunch up in a corner with a crumpled letter tossed on the floor next to him and his head in his hands.
He was bleeding everywhere.
She didn't need light to see it, she could feel it just like she could feel him. As she got closer and her eyes adjusted to the light it was so clear it made her chest grew tight. His pain beat in her head like a second heart and before she had said one word she was already crying.
"What happened?" she whispered. She had gotten down on her knees but when she reached out to touch him he flinched away.
"Go away," he barked. His voice sounded hoarse and strained. In her mind she could feel him try to build up his usual ice wall to block her out but he was too upset to do it properly.
"I'm not going anywhere," she said angrily. She stared at the blood running from his hands and arms, deliberately seeping through the junctions of his fingers. He had been raking his hands through his hair and now the blonde was streaked with dark red. The sight made her breath hitch and she felt incredibly sorry for every time she had let him see her cut herself. It was so different when the bleeding was not yourself but someone you loved. The pain was so much worse. One look at him made her voice turn gentle. "Draco tell me what's wrong. Is it the letter?" with out waiting for a response from him she reached down and took hold of it. The light was poor but enough that she could read the shaking nervous hand.
" I must write quickly because he'll be home soon. The Death Eaters are rallying and he is mad with rage. He wants to lead, but they doubt his ability because of you. He's sending them to bring you by force if necessary. Draco they'll hurt you! Please you mustn't get hurt! Just don't fight them and come. I know you don't want to but if they hurt you I'll die. Please don't fight them and when your home, I'll keep you safe.
Please listen to me.
N "
Ginny choked when she read the note and began shaking her head, trembling. "No. No you can't. You can't go to them please!" but when she turned round he was cutting again with his copper dragon blade snaking over his skin.
His next words chilled her to the soul.
"I can either lose or lose. They're coming soon, very soon that much is obvious. And they'll either put an imperious curse on me, knock me out or kill me. If they try and take me by force I'll kill myself. Didn't you say you only lose everything when you die? Well I've lost. Lost" He was cutting the words in his arm.
"That's not true! There is still time.."
"Time for WHAT! To gather my things so that I'm ready to go when they come to take me away? It's over. I told you it would end like this."
"Shut up!" she shouted, panic swimming through her veins. "We have to do something…"
"There is nothing to do," he continued in that dead flat voice that made dread fill her until she thought it might spill over on the floor around her. Then he said, as if it was a new revelation to him, "I'm going to die. One way or another I'm a dead man." He stared hard at his wrists.
"If I'm going to die anyways, it will be on my terms."
Ginny felt like she heard the words in an echo. It was almost in slow motion that she felt herself wrench upwards and grab his arms.
"DON'T. YOU. DARE." She said in tight barely breathed whisper. But he was beyond her. Every feeling was intensified and lethally sharp. She was not very strong compared to someone who had played Quidditch for six years, but she clung to him, trying to hold his hands still as though her life depended on it. She was fighting against his will and he was trying to shake her off to put a quick relatively painless end to a tragedy he had always known would end bloody. If she would just move, this could all be over…
Ginny was not about to lose him like that. Even when she felt her muscles twist, she held on and even when she felt the skin on her arms split under the uncontrolled blade she held on and when she finally felt like her strength just might give out she called in her last resort.
She kissed him.
Hard.
For a moment his body froze and Ginny took the opportunity to wriggle her way into his lap. In one way it was comical… she had always indulged herself into believing that if she ever kissed Draco it would be deep and romantic, not this rush panicky franticness. But it didn't matter. Even when he woke up under her the instinct inspired by her teeth nibbling on his bottom lip, it was not important. How his hands unclenched themselves and drew her in, crushing her until she could hardly breathe and how her bottom lip split when he kissed her too hard didn't matter all compared to the significance of the clatter caused by the knife falling out of his hands.
As soon as she heard it she pulled away enough to stammer out, "Don't you ever, EVER do that again. Ever. So help me God, if you do I'll kill you."
He shut her up with his mouth.
Draco's first clear thought after she began to kiss him was that this was painful. Everything exploded in their minds with destructive clarity and it was impossible to separate their feelings as two different entities. It was just one raging super nova and Draco wondered silently just how far they could go before one of them passed out. She was saying something. He fought not to smirk; she was optimistic if she expected him to comprehend speech at this point. In fact if she had the presences of mind to formulate words he wasn't doing his job well enough. But what she said was important.
No it didn't have to end like this.
No it didn't have to end at all.
There was still time for them to get a way and of course she was coming with him.
They would survive.
They would be happy.
And for a moment he believed her. While held this skinny plain red head (she was so tiny!) who had completely over thrown and rebuilt his life he could believe that they could get out. They would be together and that was all they needed. Surely between the two of them they had enough magic to protect themselves from Death Eaters and they would be alive and that was all that matter…
She let go of his wrists to wrap her arms around his neck as he held her face in his hands, smearing it with blood. Her eyes were so dark they were almost black and they still shimmered with unshed tears and for a moment he could believe…
But when she brought her arms up he saw that she was bleeding. It startled him like ice water being thrown on his face. She had not been cutting. She had not been bleeding when she came in he was sure. Why on earth was there blood dripping off her arm in three places?
Then it hit him. Sometime during the struggle he had cut her.
"Ginny, I cut you," he said, feeling all the previous passion drain out of him like water from a tap. Ginny blinked uncomprehendingly, what was he on about?
"Ginny," he said his voice growing more and more frantic by the millisecond "I slit your arms! You're bleeding damnit!" he was shaking her with out realizing it and his eyes were so wide he really did frighten her. She looked down at her arms and saw where he had cut her. They long gashes but she wasn't sure how deep. Why was this at all important?
"Draco," she said gently "It's alright. It doesn't matter…" and she pulled herself up to kiss him, but he pulled away and made her cool eyes focus on his livid ones.
"But I hurt you! I promised, I SWORE that I would never hurt you…"
Ginny shook her had and actually smiled. "Listen to me," she said in her calmest voice, "I swear it doesn't matter at all. I don't care, just hold me…"
The look on her face made his heart shatter. She couldn't hide the physical pain she felt, but forgiveness washed over everything. He had seen this look before. When he was young, very young, his mother had had the same look on her face when he asked her about the bruises his father had given her. She had even said the same thing, that it didn't matter. And now Ginny, his Ginny had the same expression on her face. Because he had hurt her. Even though he loved her and he was willing to sacrifice everything to be with her, he had still hurt her. And he would hurt her again, it was inevitable. Physically or mentally or emotionally like when he had senselessly attack her brother he would lash out to hurt her, not because he wanted to but because something inside him had broken long ago and never healed. And it pushed him to either hurt himself or the people around him.
He knew he could ignore it. He could kiss her, make love to her, leave and take her with him, but the truth was there. Even if he didn't hurt her immediately it would happen one day and repeatedly, until he had either broken her down like his mother or she left him, because love couldn't cure everything and love couldn't save everyone. Both options were not acceptable. And even if he did leave, those Death Eaters were going to hunt him down until they killed him and in all likelihood she would die as well. That was also not acceptable. So when she reached up and kissed his neck he actually laughed at the paradoxes in his life. And he gave her one last soul shattering kiss before he took his wand and whispered the words to make her pass out lifelessly in his arms.
And that ends this chapter.
Next chapter is a long haul round up. If I get my way two chapters of the actual story are left and if you want, one epilogue. I'm sure everyone is sick of reading this thing. I never meant for it to be this long.
Okay notes. (Sometimes this takes as much time as writing the chapter! There are so many things I want to say to you all)
Aaren: *smacks my hands for grammar errors* I'm sorry about errors… maybe when the story is done I'll go back and fix them. Harry and Ginny are focused up close next chapter and Draco… well do you like Harry/ Draco show downs?
VioletJersey: Enough angst this chapter? I don't get to watch hardly any TV but I'll check out your show sometime.
Puddles: Aawwweee, you don't have to say stuff like that. I thought the last chapter was so close to cheesy that I was almost scared to upload it. This one… well it's over with. Glad you're enjoying the story
Jackie: Former cutter? Good for you. I respect automatically anyone who can starts cutting and then stops. Try and stick with it. I am 19, I'll be twenty in a couple of months. I still don't have a life, but who's counting? ;) I hope I'm conveying this right… the cutting. You know, so I hope I'm doing okay.
Lanky: 'Get in on'? Any more subtle and I'll have to misunderstand you. No I don't write sex. Sorry, not this story… I'd have to totally ruin any romance in it by making realistic and you'd hit me in the end
Butterfly foloren: I'm glad you understand what I'm writing… I'm trying so much to get beyond, just a D/G romance. The way you described yourself, about feeling flooded by just living… I can completely relate to that. Sometimes it seems like staying sane just takes so much energy. Hang in there, because things pass… thanx so much for your review
Darker Child: Haha, so I can't write fluff? You are so right! I was writing this chapter and thinking… if I read this somewhere I'd want to hit the author (smacks herself in the forehead), but considering I intend to shatter the relationship soon, I figured a little happiness might be nice. Anyways, I hope this is angsty enough for you… if not then the next 2 chapters probably will. YOU"RE feeling hostile towards my family? That makes two of us. *rolls her eyes* they love me, but love can kill if you know what I mean. Do take care all the same… you know I think about you lots, hope you're doing okay. Life has a real nasty habit of kicking you when you're down. My advice is to kick back. BTW the poem? That was gorgeous.
Dani800: I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. There is a difference between cutting and suicide, most cutter adhere to it. I'm sorry your friend got a such a raw deal. I congratulate you on being able to read this when it discusses something that is so painfully connected to you and still say I'm doing a good job. Never ever feel like not being able to cut yourself is a weakness, it's a gift from God. I want everyone to know, there is nothing romantic about cutting. It's a painful slow hollowing process that makes you feel dependant and undermined. Drugs are worse and alcohol… three bad ideas. Write when your down, even when it's gibberish.
Amanda Mancini: Who wrote 'The perks of being a wall flower'? I'd love to check it out.
Cailey: HI!!! I remember your review for Silver Scars and I was hoping you'd read this so I could finally tell you…as I've told others, I'm not allowed to write people I don't know (yeah I know, 19 going on 4) and I've crossed that line once with severe ramifications. Am I cutter? Yeah. I think that's pretty obvious. You've quit for month? Good for you. The most I quit was for 3 months and that was because of a deal I made with my friend. I know you can quit cutting, the problem is wanting to. But hang on even in the tough times… they do pass. I wrote a poem for a friend of mine called 'the postcard', if you ever feel like cutting again, read it and be strong.
Riverwinde: A TRILOGY? NO WAY. This story ends and if one person asks me for another sequel I'll scream. No offense, but dredging this stuff up… I can't do it anymore. Draco… he is so difficult to write. I want him to be in character. But in the books there is not a shred of anything good about him. So I try to balance it some. Was he too mean in this chapter? I did justify it I thought… I mean tired to. I don't know how well it came across. Oh well. Yell at me for grammar mistakes…
Nightangel: YOU LIKE NINE INCH NAILS!!!! YAY!!!!! Finally. Did you see that chapter four I think is started with their song 'the Fragile'? I love that song. And this song: 'the perfect drug' was one my BEST friend in the World (my platonic Draco) sent to me so you are now at the top of my favorite reviewers list. I love this song… and I guess it does fit here. Thanx for your view.
Princess Natasha: Another cutter trying to quit? I beginning to feel like a real weakling in front of all of you brave people who are at least trying. I had to get the chapter done so I've been really busy and I have exams for the next two weeks so If don't review your story, don't be mad, I WILL READ IT. I try and read as much of you guys stuff as I can… just be patient. Keep trying to quit. To get out of this vicious cycle is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Myself: Glad you like the sequel ;)
This chapter is not happy. But it's important. Bare with me on this one.
Notes to my reviewers at the bottom.
I'll just say sorry right now for any mistakes.
Don't fall away, and leave me to myself
Don't fall away, and leave love bleeding
in my hands, in my hands again
Leave love bleeding
in my hands, in my hands
Love lies bleeding
(Hemorrhage in my Hands: Fuel)
"And then our great Master of Bravery actually screamed, a girly scream mind you mates, throwing the bottle of beetle juice IN the air as the spider crawled on his hand. THAT is a real token to Gryffindor bravery…"
Draco's voice could be heard throughout the entire hall. It was the third time he had reenacted Ron's misfortune in Potions that day and the entire Slytherin table was in a hysterical uproar.
Ron was fuming, being forcibly held down by both Hermione and Harry to stop him from beating Draco's face in.
"Just ignore him," Hermione whispered "He's trying to get a raise out of you, don't give him the satisfaction."
Ginny sat farther down at the table eating her steak and kidney pie, apparently oblivious to what was going on. Of course that was a façade, in actuality she was experiencing everything Draco was…
It wasn't very pleasant.
He had not received any letters from his father or heard any new rumors to justify this particular attack on her brother. No… this was spurred by pure malicious cruelty as far as she could discern.
"Well what do you expect from a second rate moron in a second rate family? Oi Ronniekins, how's it feel to be second hand in everything? Second hand side kick, second hand robes… hey is that one of the ones I donated to charity last year? Fancy seeing it on you…"
He was pushing his limits. Ron was never any good at controlling his temper and if Draco kept at it, he wouldn't be fighting Ron with magic but with his fists. Ginny swallowed a large gulp of pumpkin juice and waited.
"… even a second hand girlfriend. Does anyone have any estimates on how many times the Mud-Blood shagged Potter before she got bored and went for the second?"
Ginny put her glass down. He had done it. Ron was going to kill.
She didn't bother to listen to Ron's swearing or turn around to see him launch himself across the Gryffindor table at Draco. She tuned out the cheering and the booing from the hall and focused for a moment on what feelings were running through Draco's adrenaline drench mind. He loved a good dirty fight. She swam around in his emotions for a moment until she felt filthy then she stood up and left. No one noticed her leaving in the hectic state the hall was in.
She wasn't worried about her brother, Ron could hold his own against any fistfight in the school. And she wasn't worried about Draco either, a teacher would come and stop the whole mess soon enough. She just walked quietly outside and waited.
Draco was being wrenched out from under Ron and Professor Snape was giving them both detention. Draco put on a dramatic act of being innocently attacked by a rabid Ron, which of course all the Slytherin's attested to. Draco watched Snape's face twist with pure hatred towards him (Snape never liked him) but as always the Professor was overcome by a sordid will to make the Gryffindors the losers. The Gryffindors were raging furiously, but Snape let him off in the end. Draco walked out sore but entirely satisfied. He wasn't sure where he was headed but he felt like moving with the adrenaline rush still working on his system. It took a few minutes for his mind to stop racing and for him to think rationally again. The first question that popped into his mind was why he did what he did. It wasn't something direct from home or something at school that triggered it; it was deeper than that. His eyes narrowed. Part of it was Ginny. He wondered silently what her reaction was… he wanted to see if she was angry or disappointed, he was sure she would be. Would she yell at him? Or be upset? Or sulk? He hated sulking. Pansy Perkinson sulked over everything. Ginny was not a sulker, but after the display he had given… In his mind, he felt for her presence… and drew a blank. The sensation, or lack thereof, startled him. He searched harder and felt a faint presence of her, but it was weak.. like she was very far away. That wasn't right, she couldn't have left the grounds and her persona was never this faint even when one of them was at Hogsmeade. Without warning he felt panicky. He had to find her.
Ginny felt his panic rising. She hated doing this, hiding from him in his own mind, but she didn't like being played with and if he insisted on trying to pull her strings she'd make him own up to it.
It was fifteen minutes before he stumbled upon her in the grass in one of the secluded courtyards surrounding the school. When he saw her teasing Persephone with dandelion fluff he felt incredibly furious.
"Ginny where have you been?!" he shouted
"Right here," she answered evenly. She didn't even look up.
Draco wondered if she could feel him in her mind, or if whatever change had taken place was one-sided. She certainly didn't seem worried about anything… but what if she didn't care about not feeling him in her mind? What if it wasn't as important to her as it was to him? The coldness built up like an ice wall around him… which was abruptly shattered by the stun of her persona breaking through.
"I don't like being iced out," she said quietly.
Draco jumped. "I couldn't feel you. Where were you?"
"In you mind, just hiding. When you rampage like that it gives me a headache. It easier for me to hide you know, till you quiet down."
He scowled at her. "Why the bloody hell did you do that?"
"Why the bloody hell did you attack my brother?" she retorted.
It was enough to incite him further than he had planned to go. A malicious smile curled across his face. "I felt like getting someone. Ron is SUCH an easy target. That felt so good today…" He could hear what he was saying and how it sounded. He could feel how angry she was getting with every word but he couldn't stop. It was a compulsion he felt to push her as far as she would go and she knew it just as much as he did. The knowledge that he was intentionally trying to hurt her made her furious. She almost gave in. It was so tempting to just shove him out of her way, but that was exactly what he expected her to do.
Damned if she was going to give him the satisfaction.
"Why are you pushing me away?" she demanded. "Don't give me any bullshit about it being for the rush or whatever you call it, you're doing this to force me into some sort of corner. You know if you don't want me near you just say 'Ginny, I don't want to be with you anymore'. Trust me I'll leave and you'll never see me again. But don't you DARE take the easy way out and try to force me to walk away. I won't. I won't just decide to hate you and I won't condemn you as an inhuman monster and decide that you're not what I thought you were. I KNOW exactly what you are, Draco and you're not going to get a quick painless exit. If you want me to leave, tell me up front, but don't hide like a coward behind some make shift wall of cruelty."
This was like a poker game where some one had just called his bluff. He hated that she had seen through his display and worse, called him on it. And called his a coward. He was risking everything just standing there with her and she called him a coward? His face twisted angrily and without meaning to he was yelling.
"You are such a little fool, Ginny! I've told you again and again that this-what we're playing at-is dangerous. I'm not good. I'm not kind or gentle or anything you want, so just make it easy on everyone and get out now." His voice dropped. "It will be so much better this way. I know you think this will end happily but it won't. Ginny---" he took her by the shoulders, even though she flinched away. "-Ginny something will happen. We'll both just get hurt…"
"You think I'm not already hurt? Do you think the reason why I put up with you is to escape pain? Ha! Isn't that a sort of contradiction of terms? I don't bloody care! I just want to BE damnit! Not be good, or happy or reasonable, JUST BE! Preferably with you. And I don't care about logic and common sense I just care about getting from ONE DAY to the next and making it out alive. I WANT YOU to be with me. But if you don't want that then tell me so I can get on with my life."
She was so damn analytical. She was so honest. She drove him insane. He wanted to hit her, or shake her… something that would make her see what a Black Hole they were throwing themselves into.
"We are going to loose. Do you understand that? One way or another we are going to loose everything."
She shook her head. "If I spend what little time I have doing what I want, with whom ever I want, I can't loose everything. At least I'll have the experience. You only loose everything when you die." Ginny swallowed. She didn't want to say what she was going to say but it was bound to come to this sooner or later. "I can't fix everything that happened to you. I can't make up for all the terrible things you went through, nobody can. But you have a choice. You can live passed it and get hurt or you can lock yourself in and be safe. But YOU make that choice, don't try and force it on me."
He gazed at her through narrow eyes that made him look cold and cruel. She didn't flinch under the stare, but waited for him to say something. She unnerved him and what was worse, he was sure she could feel it as well. He wanted to take her hands and forget everything except her… but he was being pulled by too much hatred and cold fear to let go. Draco closed his eyes unconsciously and hoped desperately that when he opened them she would just disappear. He focused on the spiraling florescent lights behind his eyelids, until he felt her change in his mind and his eyes snapped opened. And lo and behold she was leaving.
His breath caught in his throat and before he could stop himself he called out, "Hey! Where are you going?"
She didn't turn around. "Somewhere, anywhere," she answered "The forest, maybe. It doesn't matter."
So that was it, he thought. All he had to do was let her walk away and they would both be free. Well. That was easy. Swallow. Breathe. Just let her go… But then her head disappeared behind a dip in the landscape and his nerves shattered. 13 seconds later he was running behind her, praying he was still in time and that he could catch up.
Time seemed to flow faster when they were together. She could feel it passing her in a whirlwind, bringing some undeniable future closer. Ginny fought back by focusing on the present, getting through each hour and minute at a time. The future wasn't important even if it was just around the corner, haunting her with a defeat to her piece of happiness.
The pancakes were filled with blueberries and dripping with melted butter and syrup. There was no better way to begin a morning than with blueberries pancakes, sausages, eggs and hot coffee. It was that dreamy time of year when the weather was warm and everything was alive. Ginny was thoroughly enjoying her breakfast with Neville beside her, telling her about his mysterious 'girl'. 'She' helped him in the greenhouse and 'she' understood him like none of his so-called friends could, "except you of course, Gin", he said. He wouldn't give her name but he was happier than she had seen him in a very long time. 'She' had apparently not had it easy at school, but he would not give details only saying that 'she' needed to be taken care of and he didn't mind doing it one bit. Ginny grinned at him over her coffee cup; it was good to see him chattering again. Everything felt good this morning.
The mail came in a storm of flocking owls dropping parcels to those who were fortunate enough to get them. Ginny got a letter from Charlie in the midst of Teen Witch subscription letters and advertisements for magic hair gel. She tucked the letter under her arm to read in the quiet of her dorm later and focused her attention back on Neville who was now talking about his work with healing plants and how much easier it was than learning how to apparate, which was what the other seventh years were doing. She was lifting her mug for another swig of coffee when something shot through her head like lightening. It shook her up so much she fumbled with her glass, sloshing hot coffee everywhere. Neville was already mopping her off when she focused again.
"Ginny, what's wrong? What happened? You just blacked out on me," said Neville concerned.
Ginny answered him without hearing her own words. Something was wrong with Draco. She had never felt such panic run through him before. She tried her best to send some sort of comfort to him through their link and get him to calm down, while trying to find his platinum blonde head in the crowded hall.
Draco Malfoy sat staring at the letter in his hand. At first he had thought it was just another threat from his father, something annoying, but that could be dealt with. But one look at the transcript and he saw the hand was by his mother, written very hastily as if she was rushing to get the letter done. The monthly notes from his mother were always supervised by his father and this clearly was not… it could only be a warning of some sort. But he was in the Great Hall with a room full of people; this was not the time to panic. He hid his discomfort under a sneer and a complaint that his allowance was late. He accepted Ginny's waves of empathy gladly and swallowed down his nervousness for later.
The day seemed promising enough for Ginny. She had studied hard for her latest potions exam and had come out on top though Snape tried his hardest to cut marks where he could. Harry was being less hovering than usually and Ron had taken out time after lunch to sit with her at his own request. The two of them had taken her memorisphere and were calling up some of the most hilarious Weasely family moments they could think of. Hermione joined them later on and got her an inside view of Ron's first teddy-bear turned spider scene and watched as Fred and George reigned havoc on what was supposed to be a Weasely family reunion. (The usual, turning hard-boiled eggs raw and making their mother's famous triple layered truffle turn into a spinach and liver casserole)
It would have been perfect fun if Ginny didn't have the constant uneasiness wavering off Draco. She tried to make time to see him, but her schedule was helpless and she couldn't pass up time with Ron… her brother was acting worried about her and she wanted to reassure him. She made up her mind in the evening that the next morning she would try and search him out before breakfast and find out what was wrong. In the meantime she went to bed early so she could get an earlier rise the next day.
Ginny woke in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. A wave crashed over her making her bite her lips to keep from screaming. Panic. Pure maniac terror and unreasonable fear. Ginny was completely disoriented and in so much pain she could just barely breathe.
'Draco what's wrong?' she thought out before she realized that he couldn't read her mind… or feel her concern most likely because his emotions were so strong they over powered everything she felt. It hadn't been this bad since that first week when she had had to deal with the novelty of feeling Draco in her head for the first time.
It took all her concentration just to stand up, take her wand and leave the room. Even then she walked straight into a wall in the first three steps. She stumbled to the door and wandered blindly down the steps.
Harry was sitting up in the common room staring blindly at the walls. He couldn't sleep. He had tossed and turned for hours to no avail. In the end he gave up and instead headed to the common room to begin practicing the counter spell for the empathy charm he had put on Draco and Ginny. He wanted to be able to perform it perfectly if the time ever came up when they wanted the charm removed. Not that that was likely to happen… he wanted to be furious with Draco, but he had to admit that Ginny had been the happiest he had ever seen her in the past month. Well it didn't matter anyways, he had long since given up… then he looked up and saw Ginny stumbling across the room completely oblivious to his presence. She seemed to be heading for the portrait, but what worried him was that the expression on her face was one of extreme pain.
"Ginny where are you going?! Are you alright?" he asked in an urgent hushed whisper.
She started at his voice and stared at him blankly for several seconds before she comprehended that it was him before her.
"Harry, I'm fine," she muttered trying to get to the portrait, but he blocked her way.
"Ginny, what is going on? You can't go sneaking around at all hours of the night! And Gin, you don't look well at all… sit down and tell me what's wrong."
"Oh, Harry, I don't have time for this! I'm fine just leave me alone!" she snapped. Then softer she said, "Something's wrong with Draco and I have to get to him. Just let me go and the sooner I leave the sooner I'll be back."
Harry hesitated. This didn't seem like a good idea at all to him. "How are you planning on getting to the Slytherin Boys' dormitory in the middle of the night? Ginny just wait it out until morning…"
"Harry this can't wait! I don't have time to explain and justify myself to you, just GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
Harry knew better than to argue with Ginny when she was in that sort of state. He stepped out of her way and watched her scramble out of the portrait hole.
Standing defeated he whispered,
"Be careful."
Ginny knew that Draco would not be in his dorm room or even the Slytherin common room. He would never let his guard down anywhere near other people. So she headed towards his room still trying to maintain focus. When she reached there she whispered the spell to open it and stepped inside. Right away she knew he wasn't there, what she was feeling in her mind would have been blaring if he was. But where did he go?
'He doesn't want to be found,' she thought anxiously. What on earth had happened to him?
Realizing she didn't have any guide at all to get to him she just concentrated on the strength of their link and tried to follow it to him.
When ten minutes later she stumbled into some musty room at the end of another dark corridor, the panic in her head had reduced to a violent menacing despair that was so potent it almost brought her to her knees. She found him hunch up in a corner with a crumpled letter tossed on the floor next to him and his head in his hands.
He was bleeding everywhere.
She didn't need light to see it, she could feel it just like she could feel him. As she got closer and her eyes adjusted to the light it was so clear it made her chest grew tight. His pain beat in her head like a second heart and before she had said one word she was already crying.
"What happened?" she whispered. She had gotten down on her knees but when she reached out to touch him he flinched away.
"Go away," he barked. His voice sounded hoarse and strained. In her mind she could feel him try to build up his usual ice wall to block her out but he was too upset to do it properly.
"I'm not going anywhere," she said angrily. She stared at the blood running from his hands and arms, deliberately seeping through the junctions of his fingers. He had been raking his hands through his hair and now the blonde was streaked with dark red. The sight made her breath hitch and she felt incredibly sorry for every time she had let him see her cut herself. It was so different when the bleeding was not yourself but someone you loved. The pain was so much worse. One look at him made her voice turn gentle. "Draco tell me what's wrong. Is it the letter?" with out waiting for a response from him she reached down and took hold of it. The light was poor but enough that she could read the shaking nervous hand.
" I must write quickly because he'll be home soon. The Death Eaters are rallying and he is mad with rage. He wants to lead, but they doubt his ability because of you. He's sending them to bring you by force if necessary. Draco they'll hurt you! Please you mustn't get hurt! Just don't fight them and come. I know you don't want to but if they hurt you I'll die. Please don't fight them and when your home, I'll keep you safe.
Please listen to me.
N "
Ginny choked when she read the note and began shaking her head, trembling. "No. No you can't. You can't go to them please!" but when she turned round he was cutting again with his copper dragon blade snaking over his skin.
His next words chilled her to the soul.
"I can either lose or lose. They're coming soon, very soon that much is obvious. And they'll either put an imperious curse on me, knock me out or kill me. If they try and take me by force I'll kill myself. Didn't you say you only lose everything when you die? Well I've lost. Lost" He was cutting the words in his arm.
"That's not true! There is still time.."
"Time for WHAT! To gather my things so that I'm ready to go when they come to take me away? It's over. I told you it would end like this."
"Shut up!" she shouted, panic swimming through her veins. "We have to do something…"
"There is nothing to do," he continued in that dead flat voice that made dread fill her until she thought it might spill over on the floor around her. Then he said, as if it was a new revelation to him, "I'm going to die. One way or another I'm a dead man." He stared hard at his wrists.
"If I'm going to die anyways, it will be on my terms."
Ginny felt like she heard the words in an echo. It was almost in slow motion that she felt herself wrench upwards and grab his arms.
"DON'T. YOU. DARE." She said in tight barely breathed whisper. But he was beyond her. Every feeling was intensified and lethally sharp. She was not very strong compared to someone who had played Quidditch for six years, but she clung to him, trying to hold his hands still as though her life depended on it. She was fighting against his will and he was trying to shake her off to put a quick relatively painless end to a tragedy he had always known would end bloody. If she would just move, this could all be over…
Ginny was not about to lose him like that. Even when she felt her muscles twist, she held on and even when she felt the skin on her arms split under the uncontrolled blade she held on and when she finally felt like her strength just might give out she called in her last resort.
She kissed him.
Hard.
For a moment his body froze and Ginny took the opportunity to wriggle her way into his lap. In one way it was comical… she had always indulged herself into believing that if she ever kissed Draco it would be deep and romantic, not this rush panicky franticness. But it didn't matter. Even when he woke up under her the instinct inspired by her teeth nibbling on his bottom lip, it was not important. How his hands unclenched themselves and drew her in, crushing her until she could hardly breathe and how her bottom lip split when he kissed her too hard didn't matter all compared to the significance of the clatter caused by the knife falling out of his hands.
As soon as she heard it she pulled away enough to stammer out, "Don't you ever, EVER do that again. Ever. So help me God, if you do I'll kill you."
He shut her up with his mouth.
Draco's first clear thought after she began to kiss him was that this was painful. Everything exploded in their minds with destructive clarity and it was impossible to separate their feelings as two different entities. It was just one raging super nova and Draco wondered silently just how far they could go before one of them passed out. She was saying something. He fought not to smirk; she was optimistic if she expected him to comprehend speech at this point. In fact if she had the presences of mind to formulate words he wasn't doing his job well enough. But what she said was important.
No it didn't have to end like this.
No it didn't have to end at all.
There was still time for them to get a way and of course she was coming with him.
They would survive.
They would be happy.
And for a moment he believed her. While held this skinny plain red head (she was so tiny!) who had completely over thrown and rebuilt his life he could believe that they could get out. They would be together and that was all they needed. Surely between the two of them they had enough magic to protect themselves from Death Eaters and they would be alive and that was all that matter…
She let go of his wrists to wrap her arms around his neck as he held her face in his hands, smearing it with blood. Her eyes were so dark they were almost black and they still shimmered with unshed tears and for a moment he could believe…
But when she brought her arms up he saw that she was bleeding. It startled him like ice water being thrown on his face. She had not been cutting. She had not been bleeding when she came in he was sure. Why on earth was there blood dripping off her arm in three places?
Then it hit him. Sometime during the struggle he had cut her.
"Ginny, I cut you," he said, feeling all the previous passion drain out of him like water from a tap. Ginny blinked uncomprehendingly, what was he on about?
"Ginny," he said his voice growing more and more frantic by the millisecond "I slit your arms! You're bleeding damnit!" he was shaking her with out realizing it and his eyes were so wide he really did frighten her. She looked down at her arms and saw where he had cut her. They long gashes but she wasn't sure how deep. Why was this at all important?
"Draco," she said gently "It's alright. It doesn't matter…" and she pulled herself up to kiss him, but he pulled away and made her cool eyes focus on his livid ones.
"But I hurt you! I promised, I SWORE that I would never hurt you…"
Ginny shook her had and actually smiled. "Listen to me," she said in her calmest voice, "I swear it doesn't matter at all. I don't care, just hold me…"
The look on her face made his heart shatter. She couldn't hide the physical pain she felt, but forgiveness washed over everything. He had seen this look before. When he was young, very young, his mother had had the same look on her face when he asked her about the bruises his father had given her. She had even said the same thing, that it didn't matter. And now Ginny, his Ginny had the same expression on her face. Because he had hurt her. Even though he loved her and he was willing to sacrifice everything to be with her, he had still hurt her. And he would hurt her again, it was inevitable. Physically or mentally or emotionally like when he had senselessly attack her brother he would lash out to hurt her, not because he wanted to but because something inside him had broken long ago and never healed. And it pushed him to either hurt himself or the people around him.
He knew he could ignore it. He could kiss her, make love to her, leave and take her with him, but the truth was there. Even if he didn't hurt her immediately it would happen one day and repeatedly, until he had either broken her down like his mother or she left him, because love couldn't cure everything and love couldn't save everyone. Both options were not acceptable. And even if he did leave, those Death Eaters were going to hunt him down until they killed him and in all likelihood she would die as well. That was also not acceptable. So when she reached up and kissed his neck he actually laughed at the paradoxes in his life. And he gave her one last soul shattering kiss before he took his wand and whispered the words to make her pass out lifelessly in his arms.
And that ends this chapter.
Next chapter is a long haul round up. If I get my way two chapters of the actual story are left and if you want, one epilogue. I'm sure everyone is sick of reading this thing. I never meant for it to be this long.
Okay notes. (Sometimes this takes as much time as writing the chapter! There are so many things I want to say to you all)
Aaren: *smacks my hands for grammar errors* I'm sorry about errors… maybe when the story is done I'll go back and fix them. Harry and Ginny are focused up close next chapter and Draco… well do you like Harry/ Draco show downs?
VioletJersey: Enough angst this chapter? I don't get to watch hardly any TV but I'll check out your show sometime.
Puddles: Aawwweee, you don't have to say stuff like that. I thought the last chapter was so close to cheesy that I was almost scared to upload it. This one… well it's over with. Glad you're enjoying the story
Jackie: Former cutter? Good for you. I respect automatically anyone who can starts cutting and then stops. Try and stick with it. I am 19, I'll be twenty in a couple of months. I still don't have a life, but who's counting? ;) I hope I'm conveying this right… the cutting. You know, so I hope I'm doing okay.
Lanky: 'Get in on'? Any more subtle and I'll have to misunderstand you. No I don't write sex. Sorry, not this story… I'd have to totally ruin any romance in it by making realistic and you'd hit me in the end
Butterfly foloren: I'm glad you understand what I'm writing… I'm trying so much to get beyond, just a D/G romance. The way you described yourself, about feeling flooded by just living… I can completely relate to that. Sometimes it seems like staying sane just takes so much energy. Hang in there, because things pass… thanx so much for your review
Darker Child: Haha, so I can't write fluff? You are so right! I was writing this chapter and thinking… if I read this somewhere I'd want to hit the author (smacks herself in the forehead), but considering I intend to shatter the relationship soon, I figured a little happiness might be nice. Anyways, I hope this is angsty enough for you… if not then the next 2 chapters probably will. YOU"RE feeling hostile towards my family? That makes two of us. *rolls her eyes* they love me, but love can kill if you know what I mean. Do take care all the same… you know I think about you lots, hope you're doing okay. Life has a real nasty habit of kicking you when you're down. My advice is to kick back. BTW the poem? That was gorgeous.
Dani800: I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. There is a difference between cutting and suicide, most cutter adhere to it. I'm sorry your friend got a such a raw deal. I congratulate you on being able to read this when it discusses something that is so painfully connected to you and still say I'm doing a good job. Never ever feel like not being able to cut yourself is a weakness, it's a gift from God. I want everyone to know, there is nothing romantic about cutting. It's a painful slow hollowing process that makes you feel dependant and undermined. Drugs are worse and alcohol… three bad ideas. Write when your down, even when it's gibberish.
Amanda Mancini: Who wrote 'The perks of being a wall flower'? I'd love to check it out.
Cailey: HI!!! I remember your review for Silver Scars and I was hoping you'd read this so I could finally tell you…as I've told others, I'm not allowed to write people I don't know (yeah I know, 19 going on 4) and I've crossed that line once with severe ramifications. Am I cutter? Yeah. I think that's pretty obvious. You've quit for month? Good for you. The most I quit was for 3 months and that was because of a deal I made with my friend. I know you can quit cutting, the problem is wanting to. But hang on even in the tough times… they do pass. I wrote a poem for a friend of mine called 'the postcard', if you ever feel like cutting again, read it and be strong.
Riverwinde: A TRILOGY? NO WAY. This story ends and if one person asks me for another sequel I'll scream. No offense, but dredging this stuff up… I can't do it anymore. Draco… he is so difficult to write. I want him to be in character. But in the books there is not a shred of anything good about him. So I try to balance it some. Was he too mean in this chapter? I did justify it I thought… I mean tired to. I don't know how well it came across. Oh well. Yell at me for grammar mistakes…
Nightangel: YOU LIKE NINE INCH NAILS!!!! YAY!!!!! Finally. Did you see that chapter four I think is started with their song 'the Fragile'? I love that song. And this song: 'the perfect drug' was one my BEST friend in the World (my platonic Draco) sent to me so you are now at the top of my favorite reviewers list. I love this song… and I guess it does fit here. Thanx for your view.
Princess Natasha: Another cutter trying to quit? I beginning to feel like a real weakling in front of all of you brave people who are at least trying. I had to get the chapter done so I've been really busy and I have exams for the next two weeks so If don't review your story, don't be mad, I WILL READ IT. I try and read as much of you guys stuff as I can… just be patient. Keep trying to quit. To get out of this vicious cycle is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Myself: Glad you like the sequel ;)
