A/N: Well here it is, finally. Sorry bout the delay. This is the second to last chapter of this story. There will be at least one sequel. Hope you like it r/r.
Harry didn't go to lunch that day. He wasn't really hungry plus the thought of having to try and hold a conversation with Lupin or worse, having to see Snape, was enough to quench any appetite he might have had.
So instead he spent the afternoon cloistered in the warm cocoon of his bed, thinking. Well, wallowing really. He felt unbearably guilty. All this time he had been walking around like some love-sick teenager. Blushing, stuttering, mooning over Snape at meals. Then, when he had figured out Snape might return some of his feelings, he had instantly formed some childish plot to make him admit to it. Harry had treated it all like a game. But Snape wasn't some boy who sat next to him in class. He was a grown man, a teacher. And Harry had never seriously considered what that meant in all of this.
Replaying the conversation with Snape over and over again, Harry recalled the sad defeat on his face, the pleading in his voice when he had asked Harry not to tell anyone about their kiss. For a man always so obsessed with rules, a man who had been willing to risk his life for what was right, to have kissed a student must have torn at his conscience. Harry hoped that Snape might feel a little better about it now that he knew Harry had been a more than willing participant, hell he'd been the instigator, in that kiss. Even if the knowledge did ease Snape's guilt somewhat, it really didn't help Harry in any way. He was so confused. What was he going to do now?
Because what Snape had said to him made sense, but it didn't change the way Harry felt. Actually, the more he thought about it, his feelings were perhaps a bit stronger now. Probably not the reaction Snape was going for, and certainly not a normal one towards rejection, but Harry had given up any pretense at normalcy the day he discovered that Severus Snape could give him an erection simply by speaking. He sighed and punched his pillow.
"Stupid git" He groused to absolutely no one. "Why couldn't he have just said something humiliating, yelled at me, something normal."
But of course he hadn't. He had looked scared and sad. And all his reasons for refusing Harry had been noble and simply more proof of his generally superior character. Harry really didn't need any more reasons to respect and like Snape, but of course the man would have to provide them. Life really wasn't fair.
No, Harry reflected sadly, it really wasn't. And maybe it was time to acknowledge that. Maybe he should just listen to Snape. Just because you wanted something didn't mean you got it. And then Snape wouldn't have to feel guilty, and they wouldn't have to worry about being caught. Yes, things would be much easier if he just went to Snape and told him that he was right and that would be the end of it. The thought made Harry feel strangely hollow.
Maybe he was being selfish. Not giving enough weight to Snape's feelings, but, damn it, the man wanted it too. Moralistic, self-sacrificing bastard. Well Harry would have none of that. He was going to go to Snape and tell him exactly what he thought of all the "reasons" they couldn't be together. He wasn't going to stutter or blush or act like some infatuated schoolgirl. Well, he was going to try not to. Any and all self-assuredness Harry possessed seemed to go out the window whenever Snape was around.
Harry checked his watch. Time for dinner. Feeling much better, Harry hopped out of bed and went down to the great hall. He was anxious to talk to Snape, but was fairly sure he would need his strength in order to change his professor's mind. Plus it would be a good way to gauge Snape's mood before confronting him.
Walking into the great hall, Harry instantly saw that Snape wasn't at dinner again. God, the man was really making this easy wasn't he? He smiled to himself. Snape's anti-social behavior would give Harry a perfectly legitimate excuse to go down to the dungeons.
He was really too nervous and excited to eat, but after a few anxious inquiries from Remus about his health ~Harry had missed lunch as well~ he decided it would be prudent to force down a few bites. He didn't want to arouse any unnecessary interest in his activities after all.
A few hurried bites later, Harry excused himself from the table. He didn't even bother with an excuse, just bolted to the kitchens. Dobby and the other house elves were more than happy to provide him with a tray stacked with all sorts of succulent fare. He thanked them quickly, sending them into ecstasies, and made his way toward the dungeon.
The dishes clanked and rattled between his trembling hands. He had to stop several times in the hall to take deep breaths in an effort to calm the violent flutters in his hands and chest. Finally, Harry stood in front of Snape's office door. Transferring the tray to one shaking arm, he raised his hand and knocked briskly on the door. He could do this. He could do this. He had faced Voldemort. He had lived with the Dursely's for eleven years. He could do this.
"Come in, Potter." Snape's low voice snapped from the other side of the door.
Harry's hand froze on the doorknob. Snape knew? How? Harry's first instinct was to turn and run, but the sorting hat had put him in Griffindor for a reason. He clasped the tray close to his chest to stop some of its violent shaking and stepped through the door.
Snape was reading what appeared to be a thick, ancient tome of some kind. He didn't even glance up. When he spoke his voice was coolly unconcerned.
"If you are here to bring me supper, then set it on my desk and goodnight." He licked his finger and turned a page. "However, if you are here to make some melodramatic proclamation of love, I suggest you get on with it so I can read in peace."
Later, Harry would reflect that it was really the best possible thing Snape could have said. Upon hearing those words, all of Harry's nervousness melted away to be replaced by a fierce anger. In a few quick strides, he was standing in front of Snape's desk. He slammed the tray down hard enough to make one of the dishes fall to the floor with a loud crash. He didn't spare it a glance.
"You fucking ass." He ground out at Snape's still bent head. A moment of perfect stillness passed and Harry wondered if perhaps Snape was simply going to ignore him until he went away.
At last, Snape raised his head leisurely. He appeared completely nonplussed.
"Now that you've got that off your chest perhaps I can be left in peace." His look of patronizing forbearance seemed like the sort of thing one might direct at an annoying toddler. It incensed Harry, but he stood his ground.
"No, not until we talk."
Snape gave an impatient little sigh and went back to his book. "All that needs to be said, has been said. That is the end of the matter."
Harry disagreed. "You're the only one who said anything. I want to talk." Oh, no. He sounded like some sort of petulant child. Who cared? Snape was being childish with his whole 'ignore-it-til-it-goes-away' attitude. He set his jaw, looked Snape in the eye and prayed fervently that he looked calmer than he felt.
It must have worked. Snape made a frustrated sound in the back of his throat. "Fine. Speak." He leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers together. "But be quick, I will not waste the entire evening listening to your ramblings."
Harry had, in the privacy of his room, composed an eloquent, moving speech, and rehearsed it dozens of times. If asked to debate, in front of the entire school, the many merits of Snape-shagging, he could do it. But now, face to face with the one person he most wanted to hear his speech, he could not remember a single syllable of it. He opened and closed his mouth several times with no results. The silence, as well as Harry's blush, deepened to an unbearable point. Snape rolled his eyes.
"Well then" He gave a bored sigh "Perhaps I can help you. Hmm?" He brushed some dust off his robe casually. "No doubt you were planning to wax poetic about the fact that we are currently embroiled in a war." He looked up at Harry's stunned expression. "I'll take that as a yes. You would then use this as an excuse for us to simply give in to whatever odd desire happened to take hold of us since we might not live much longer and should therefore seize the day." He leaned back and crossed his legs. "Have I left anything out?" No response. Snape raised an eyebrow. "Good. In that case allow me to say that I have no plans of dying during this war. As for you Mr. Potter, you have some of the most powerful wizards in the world working to make sure you survive as well. So I refuse to compromise either my personal ethics or the rules of this school. Save your breath Potter and leave me be."
It took a moment for Snape's little speech to sink in, and when it finally did, all Harry could do was laugh. Loud and incredulous, it spilled forth for several moments before he managed to choke it back. Snape looked vaguely surprised.
"Umm." Harry shook his head, smiling. "That's not what I was going to say." Snape blinked several times rapidly. "But it's a really good point." Harry's expression became serious as he looked at Snape. "And you can't know that we'll survive. Voldemort wants both of us dead and he's already gotten to me several times even with all the protection you say I have." He smiled softly in an attempt to lighten the suddenly somber mood. "So that's not really a very good argument." Snape glared furiously. His nostrils flared. Harry smiled and continued. "What I was going to say was…" He trailed off for a moment. "When you said that thing earlier about how it would be a betrayal of trust?" He looked to Snape for some acknowledgement of the previous conversation. There was none. Of course. He took a deep breath. "You were talking about Dumbledore, weren't you?" Snape's face remained stony. "Um, cause…cause if.." God, out with it already. "Well I don't think that would be a very good argument either." He took a deep breath and rushed on before Snape could interrupt. "Look, you almost got killed because you were spying for Dumbledore. I'm being trained so that one day, probably soon, I can go fight Voldemort and hopefully win. We're…we just do a lot, risk a lot, for everyone else." He paused, unsure of how exactly to phrase what he wanted to say. "We deserve to be happy." He cringed inwardly, that sounded so stupid. "To have some…something for ourselves." Harry made a mental note never to pursue a career that might involve public speaking. He hazarded a glance at Snape and was immensely relieved to see the thin lips twitching ever so slightly upwards.
"I must say that I am quite surprised, Mr. Potter." The thin lips pursed as he eyed Harry speculatively. "That is a very….Slytherine rationale for the messiah of Griffindor to come up with." Harry's smile was so wide he felt like his face would break. "However" The smile fell. "While your adolescent mind might equate sexual encounters" Harry started blushing, damnit. "with happiness, I am under no such illusions."
"It's not….I..It..wouldn't." He didn't want to blurt out something stupid, again, but he had let Snape know somehow. "It wouldn't just be.." He searched for a word he could use without embarrassment. "Shagging." Well done indeed Potter. "It would be more than…that, for us."
Snape arched a dark eyebrow at this statement. "Don't flatter yourself, Mr. Potter."
Harry suddenly forgot how to breathe. He stared at Snape's impassive face, there was no flicker of any emotion within the dark eyes. "You're lying." He wasn't sure if it was a statement or a plea.
Snape cocked his head to the side and smiled with mocking amusement. "Surely Mr. Potter, even with your infamous ego, you could not have possibly believed that I harbored some sort of tender feeling for you?"
'Yes' Harry's mind supplied. Yes, that is exactly what he'd believed. Everything had pointed him to that conclusion. Hadn't it? "But the…the hospital wing..we..we kissed."
"Extraordinarily observant as always Potter. A kiss however, is just that, a kiss. Attraction is not evidence of emotion." He fixed Harry with a penetrating stare. "If you came here tonight intending to convince me to enter into some sort of relationship," He looked disgusted. "then allow me to say there are few things on this earth that I would want less than to spend any of my extra time with you, Mr. Potter." He turned his attention back to his book. "Now, go away."
Harry moved, without thinking, to the door. He felt numb, incapable of any coherent thought. He wanted to say something, do something, but there was nothing to say. He paused at the door to turn around and look at his professor. How could he have been so wrong? And why did it suddenly feel like something was pressing down on his chest?
Feeling Harry's gaze, Snape looked up impatiently. Harry just stared back, looking dazed. He made no move to leave. Snape opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off when Harry gave a small cry and collapsed to his knees, both hands placed tightly over the scar on his forehead. Snape stood so quickly his chair toppled over. He didn't notice. "Potter?" There was no response, no acknowledgement that he had spoken. He rushed over to Harry who was rocking back and forth, breathing in shallow, pain-filled gasps.
He knelt next to the young man. "Potter?" Harry only whimpered. Snape reached out and slipped on arm around Harry's back where it stroked up and down soothingly. His other hand came to rest under Harry's chin. "Potter?" He tried to get him to look up. "Harry? Harry, please. Look at me Harry." He was getting scared and a little frantic. "Should I get the headmaster?" His hand never stopped the rhythmic stroking on Harry's back. At last it seemed to pass, Harry slouched toward the floor, exhausted. Snape gathered him in his arms and stroked his hair, rocking him gently. After a moment, Harry began to pull away. Snape looked down to assure himself the boy was all right. Harry was grinning from ear to ear. He gave a small laugh.
"So you don't care for me at all, huh?"
Snape gazed down in astonishment which was quickly replaced by anger. He pushed Potter away roughly and began to stand up. A hand reached out, grabbed his own and pulled, he tumbled down. He looked up to see Harry's still grinning face inches away from his own.
"I knew you were lying." He whispered breathlessly before pulling his stunned professor in for a kiss.
