Harry Saves the Day and Hermione Gets the Guy
Harry: *awkward silence* What the fuck is up with this title?
Hermione: *reads title* And I get the guy?
Harry: Are they referring to Ron? That's what I want to know.
Hermione: Better yet, who the fuck are "they" and what have they done to Ron?
Ron: Yeah! What the fuck did they do to me?!?!
Harry: Er... Ron?
Hermione: *obviously annoyed* Giant spiders!
Ron: *pees pants* Where?
Hermione: Over there. *pushes Ron off cliff*
Harry: Damn you, Hermione! You always get the hot ones and you don't even appreciate them!
Hermione: *eyebrows pop off head and land in fruit salad* First of all, since when was little Ronaldo cute, even? And second of all, how come we didn't know you were gay before?
Ron: *from bottom of cliff* Yeah! Erm... I'm not hot? *runs off to Molly*
Harry: First, I'm bi, damn it! Bi. What's so hard about that? Anyway, it was even written on my inner thigh in block print, and has been since first year. And I happen to find Ronnie beyond sexy. *pulls up Ron* Come to Daddy...
Hermione: Erm... okay...
Ron: *tries to get the hell away from a very horny Harry (unsuccessfully)*
Harry: *cackles* Where do you think you're going?
Trelawney: I see... death. Lots of death in his future!
Lavender: It's okay, just come to momma, Sibyll.
Hermione: *twitches uncontrollably* SQUICK!
Ron: Erm... duh! You're usually a tinsy bit faster than that! Where has your head been, Hermione?
Hermione: Two words: Harry's shorts
Harry: Meep!
Ron: *aims machine gun* Bye, bye, bye, HMS Pumpkin Pie...
Lavender: *slow motion* Noooooooooo! *jumps in front of the ship, then gets hit by...*
Trelawney: ...fruit salad? *sly tone* It's ruined your dress... guess that means you have to take it off...
Lavender: *nods head enthusiastically* Of course, Professor.
Ron: Kinky little bitches, ain't they?
Harry: *takes out camera* Of course. *snap, snap*
Hermione: Honestly boys! *picks up her own camera*
Ron, and Harry: *jaw drops*
Hermione: Can't I like girls too?
Harry, and Ron: *jaw still down*
Ron: Erm... it's not that...
Harry: Yeah! We just didn't think you were a... erm...
Ron: Pervert! We knew you were a lesbian. How could we not know? I mean, you don't find Harry hotter than hell!
Hermione: And you do?
Harry: Of course he finds me dead sexy. *slicks back hair*
Ron: Erm... what about me?
Hermione: What about you?
Ron: Weren't we going to...
Hermione: ...shag like rabid plot bunnies?
Ron: Yeah. *blushes*
Harry: Figures. You straights are all alike.
Hermione: Fuck off, Harry.
Harry: Fine, I will. *does... something*
Trelawney: *releases Lavender and grabs camera*
Harry: *gets totally turned off by Trelawney, and stops* Die bitch!
Trelawney: What a coincidence! Death is in your immediate future!
Ron: Jesus Christ! Not that crap again!
Lavender: It's okay, baby. *schnoogles Trelawney*
Hermione: I can't deal with this shit! *schnoogles Ron*
Trelawney: Ow! Lavender, you hit my inner eye!
Lavender: Want me to kiss it and make it better?
Ron: Cameras ready, guys?
Harry: *loads film* Yep!
Hermione: *sets up camera stand* Yeah, Baby!
Ron: Did she just call me baby?
Harry: Duh.
Ron: Cool. *slides on dark glasses*
Trelawney: Ah! My eye's okay now. *shrieks*
Lavender: What is it, baby?
Ron: Lavender, can you cut the baby crap? We all know it's just for the "extra credit."
Lavender: *sticks tongue out*
Trelawney: It... it's... Harry!
Harry: What about me? Am I the father of your 280th love child?
Ron and Hermione: *twitches*
Trelawney: All along...
Harry: Huh?
Trelawney: you've been a true seerer all along...
Harry: *grabs bullhorn* Step away from the happy pills!
Ron: No! Never! *downs jar*
*awkward silence*
Hermione: That was strange.
Harry: Yeah, really strange.
Trelawney: Ok, let's just start the obligatory forth of July orgy.
Hermione: But this is the UK, remember?
Harry: *cough* Shut up! She doesn't know that. *cough*
Hermione: *tries to look sly* Oh! I get it now.
Ron: May I start? *conjures up a 20-pack of condoms, lube, whips and various other things*
Harry: Yes you may, silly boy. *pats Ron on the head*
All: Sings "Joy to the World"
Colin: Hey guys! What's up? Can you sign my ass, Harry? Please? *pulls up donkey*
Harry: *looks relived, then slides out of his handcuffs and proceeds to schnoogle Colin*
Hermione: *takes cue and huggles Ron*
Lavender: *runs far, far away from a divination Professor in heat*
Colin: Oh I wish I was an Oscar Meyer meatball...
