TITLE: Stuck in a Moment
AUTHOR: Samantha [kali_neba@h...]
DISTRIBUTION: Azkaban's Lair. anyone else, please ask first.
SPOILERS: set in the middle of the first book with very minor
spoilers for the end of it as well as for PoA.
RATING/CONTENT: PG, Sirius/Remus, James/Lily,
SUMMARY: A letter from Hagrid forces Remus to remember a past he's
tried so hard to put behind him.
DISCLAIMER: Remus, Sirius, and the rest belong to JK Rowling.
NOTE: The parts of the story between the dividers are flashbacks.
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
-- U2, "Stuck in a Moment"
The owl carrying the letter from Hagrid arrived on a Monday, and
Remus opened it immediately, briefly scanning the words before
dropping the letter onto the weathered surface of the table with
shaking hands. It took him three days to rally the courage necessary
to walk to the cupboard and find the boxes that he needed. He carried
the boxes into the kitchen and set them on the table, walking away
from them as soon as that was done, and it was another day before he
could bear to open them, lifting a handful of the pictures inside out
and placing them on the table in front of him.
He sighed heavily, running a hand over his face. Remus glanced down
at the pile in front of him, a small smile tugging at the corners of
his mouth as he lifted the picture on top. An eleven-year old Peter
waved at him from the photograph while James and Sirius wrestled
about on the floor. For his part, the eleven-year old Remus was half-
shrouded in shadows as if trying to disappear from the picture all
together. Their first night at Hogwarts, and they weren't entirely
comfortable with each other, yet. Of course, Remus noted, his smile
spreading slightly, I didn't exactly open up to them.
***********
"You all right, there?" a voice asked as Remus wrapped his robe
tighter around him, trying to hold off the rain-induced chill. He
glanced around, locating the source of the voice leaning against the
banister, and as he brushed a piece of wet hair out of his eyes,
Remus nodded.
"I'm fine," he stated, glancing back at the large, imposing doors in
front of the gathering of first-years. The dark-haired boy who'd
spoken stepped up next to him.
"Which house do you expect to be in?" he asked, glancing at
Remus, "I'm hoping for Gryffindor, myself, although I suppose
Ravenclaw wouldn't be so bad." He smiled widely. "Anything but
Slytherin, really."
Remus blinked, then asked, "Why not Slytherin?" He already knew the
answer, of course; everyone from a decent wizard family knew why one
wouldn't want to be in Slytherin.
"Why?" the boy repeated, studying Remus, "Because everyone knows that
anything evil, vile, or disgusting ends up in Slytherin." Which is
where I'll be, Remus added in his own thoughts, They wouldn't put me
anywhere else. Wouldn't want the werewolf associating with the good
children. "How about you?" the boy asked, turning back to the
doors, "Where do you want to be?"
"Oh, I don't know," Remus muttered, glancing down at the floor. "I
hadn't thought about it. Probably Ravenclaw, though." Before Remus
could continue, another boy joined them.
"Sirius! There you are!" he exclaimed, brushing past a small group of
girls who glared at him.
"Honestly, James, where else would I be?" the first boy, Sirius,
stated with a roll of his eyes, "Of course if you hadn't be making
time with the red-haired girl...." he trailed off with a grin,
indicating the small girl at the back of the group with his chin.
"Making time with--" James began, smacking Sirius on the arm, "I was
just telling her how the paintings moved. She's muggle-born and
didn't know what to do when the portrait waved at her." He shook his
head, turning slightly and noticing Remus for the first time. "Oh,
hello. James Potter," he stated holding out his hand. Remus glanced
down at it before shaking it.
"Remus Lupin," he replied. James smiled at him.
"I suppose he," James gestured at Sirius, "held an entire
conversation with you without once mentioning his name, didn't he?"
Sirius merely rolled his eyes again in response, holding out his own
hand.
"Sirius Black." Before anything else could be said between the three
of them, the woman who had introduced herself as Professor McGonagall
returned and ushered them toward the doors, which swung open by
themselves, revealing the huge room filled with both student and
teachers. As they were led down the path between two of the tables,
Remus caught sight of the stool and the battered hat that rested on
it, and his mouth went dry, already dreading his own turn under the
hat.
He barely heard McGonagall as she explained the process and began
calling out the names, although he did notice that Sirius got his
wish and ended up in Gryffindor, as did the small red-haired girl.
When the professor called out "Lupin, Remus!", he didn't move,
staring at her with fear plainly on his face. He took a tentative
step toward the stool, and as he moved closer to it, he found the
gaze of the Headmaster on him. Dumbledore nodded slightly, offering
an encouraging smile as Remus reached the stool. Remus barely had
time to get comfortable before the hat was placed on his head and a
rough voice filled his mind.
"Ah, yes, Lupin. I remember your father, Romulus; he was an ideal
Ravenclaw, indeed. Hmmm, and what about you, young Mr. Lupin?
Yes....yes, a bright mind, very bright. You, too, would be an honor
to Ravenclaw, but what's this?" The hat was silent for a moment, and
Remus's eyes feel shut, certain that any second the hat would call
out Slytherin and everyone in school would know that something was
wrong with him. "Ah, yes, a werewolf, and one so young at that. To
deal with that curse and the prejudice surrounding it will be very
difficult, indeed. Therefore, it'd better be...." Remus's eyes were
still screwed shut and his mind, so ready to hear Slytherin, barely
recognized the Sorting Hat's voice when it shouted "Gryffindor!" His
eyes flew open and a grin spread across his face as the hat was
pulled away and he caught sight of the table of Gryffindor's all
applauding loudly. He practically ran to the table, half-afraid that
he was going to be called back and told that the hat had obviously
made a mistake, but he managed to take a seat next to Sirius without
anyone ordering him to the Slytherin table instead.
Later that night after the Gryffindor first-years had been rounded
out by James Potter and Peter Pettigrew, and the entire house had
retired to the common room, the four first-year boys sat around
discussing the upcoming year. Rather, Sirius, James, and Peter
discussed it, while Remus tried to blend into the background, hoping
no one would notice him. That plan had gone out the window as soon as
the red-haired girl, Lily, walked over to them, holding a Muggle
camera.
"Would you mind posing? I wanted to send my mum and dad a picture of
everyone in my House," she said, smiling at them, and Remus suddenly
found himself the object of focus for four pairs of eyes.
"All right," he whispered.
***********
From the moment on, Sirius and James had adopted Remus, trying to
bring him out of himself, and it had worked. Within a month, the four
of them had become close friends. Not that Remus associated with much
of anyone outside of the close circle. Of course, his monthly
disappearances did little to further any outside friendships, and had
very nearly destroyed things between the few friends he did have.
Remus sighed again, placing the picture off to the side, debating on
whether to send it to Hagrid or not. Hagrid wanted pictures of
Harry's parents, not, Remus was certain, pictures of people that
Harry could care less about. He thumbed through the pictures,
searching for the signature red of Lily's hair. He found none,
though, and created a pile for the useless pictures. He closed his
eyes briefly before rising to his feet and heading to the stove to
make tea. As the water began to heat, he glanced back down into the
box of pictures and his gaze caught on a little flash of red. He
reached in, pulling the picture out from under several others.
The picture hadn't been enchanted to move, so the image was static,
but Remus's breath caught when he recognized it. The one day that he
had been dreading since the moment he'd arrived at Hogwarts -- the
day Sirius, James, and Peter had discovered he was a werewolf.
***********
Every muscle ached as Remus moved slowly down the hallway, and he
absently moved his right hand down his left arm, tracing the new
scars that were the reminders of the previous night's struggle with
his beast.
"Three more staircases," he muttered, mentally trying to focus on the
distance to Gryffindor Tower in order to ignore the pain that Madame
Pomfrey couldn't soothe away. "Three more staircases and then, fifty-
one stairs to the dorm, ten steps to my bed."
"Remus!" James's over-excited voice called out from above him, and
Remus glanced up to see James, Sirius, and Peter hurrying down the
stairs towards him. He straightened slightly, trying not to look like
he'd just been walking hunched over.
"Good morning," he greeted, attempting a smile when the group reached
him, but he failed miserably, causing Sirius to look at him strangely.
"We weren't expecting you back this soon," James stated, "But you're
just in time for the match." Ah, Remus remembered, the Gryffindor
versus Slytherin match. James's first match as Chaser. "We were all
heading down to the pitch."
"We want to get good seats," Peter stated, nodding slightly.
"Of course," Remus said, smiling apologetically, "I-I don't think
I'll make it, though, what with Mum being ill all night. I didn't get
any sleep."
"You sure?" James asked, concern in his voice overpowering his
excitement over the match.
"Positive." None of the three moved, and Remus made an impatient
gesture with his hand. "Go on, then. I'll be fine," he said just as a
crowd of people passed them, apparently heading for the match as
well. "You'd better hurry or there won't be any seats left. Do try
and win, though, James, otherwise, we'll never hear the end of it
from Slytherin," he ordered with a small smile. James nodded,
grinning in return.
"We'll tell you all about it when we get back," Peter stated, patting
Remus on the arm in passing, "Won't we, Sirius?" Sirius didn't say
anything; he merely cocked his head, studying Remus. "Sirius?"
"Go on. I want to make sure that Remus is okay," Sirius finally
replied, never taking his eyes off of Remus.
"There's no need, Sirius," Remus stated softly. "I'm perfectly fine."
"Go on, James. I'll make it down before the match," Sirius stated,
turning slightly to James. "Promise." James nodded and ushered Peter
down the stairs. Remus studied Sirius silently before turning and
going in the opposite direction. "Remus," Sirius called out as Remus
was halfway up the stairs. Remus stopped and turned around to face
him. "I need to ask you something."
"This really isn't the place," Remus muttered, turning and going the
rest of the way up to the next landing. He heard Sirius's heavy
footsteps behind him as his friend reached the landing as well.
"Remus, it's important," Sirius muttered in reply.
"Please, Sirius, I just want to sleep. Just...just go to the match."
"Remus," Sirius stated, touching Remus's arm. "Please."
"What, Sirius?" Remus asked, his eyes flashing. "What is so bloody
important?"
"I just...." He trailed off, chewing on his lower lip, as if trying
to think of something to say. "I just wanted to know how your mum
was?" Remus sighed, rubbing his eyes.
"She's fine, Sirius. Feeling much better, in fact." He blinked,
leaning back against the railing.
"Are you sure? I mean, y-you have to go to her every month," Sirius
whispered. Remus turned and studied him.
"Yes, Sirius. My mother is quite well," he stated.
"Remus, is your mother...." Sirius took a deep breath, "Is she a
werewolf?" Remus's eyes narrowed in confusion then he burst out
laughing. Sirius raised an eyebrow. "It's an honest question, you
know. I mean, she's always sick at the full moon, and I just got to
wondering."
"No, my mother is not a werewolf," Remus replied, quieting his
laughter.
"Oh," Sirius said, sighing. "That's good then." He studied Remus,
causing the other boy to make a mental check, but Remus was certain
that none of his scars showed from under his robe. Most were on his
upper arms and legs, with a few on his chest and back, but none that
would be visible to Sirius. "Are you?" Sirius finally asked, and
Remus's breath caught at that, his eyes falling shut.
They stood in silence for a moment before Remus finally replied, "And
if I am?" He opened his eyes and carefully studied his friend's face,
searching Sirius's eyes for the loathing and fear Remus had come to
expect. Finding none, he let out the breath that he hadn't realized
he'd been holding.
"Then I'd ask why you haven't told any of us by now," Sirius stated
calmly.
***********
They told James and Peter later that night in the privacy of the
boys' dormitory, and Peter had been the only one to show fear of any
kind at Remus's confession, but with a little prodding from James and
Sirius caused Peter to relent. They'd all promised to keep the
secret, and nothing changed in the small group.
But, really, I'd been far too optimistic, Remus thought as the
teakettle whistled. He removed the kettle from the fire and set about
making his tea, trying to keep his mind off the memory at the back of
his mind. However, that memory was insistent, and Remus nearly
dropped the kettle as the sting of betrayal returned to his mind.
***********
He found him standing on the dock where the first-years usually
arrived. Sirius was soaked, robe no longer keeping out the rain, and
Remus knew that he'd been out there for hours. However, as he stepped
onto the dock, his booted footsteps echoing on the wood, Remus found
that he didn't care how long Sirius had been out there. Remus stopped
walking when he was within speaking distance, studying Sirius through
the sheets of rain. Sirius turned slightly as Remus stopped, and when
he met Remus's eyes, his own were rimmed in red.
"Moony, I--" But Remus held up a silencing hand.
"Please, Sirius," Remus whispered, not sure if his words would really
be heard over the rain, "Please, tell me that it's not true. Tell me
I'm remembering it wrongly. Please." But Sirius remained quiet, and
Remus knew the truth -- Sirius had sent Snape to shack to die at
Remus's hands. "Why?" Remus muttered, turning and walking away before
Sirius could answer, not wanting to hear how someone he cared about
could care so little.
***********
It had taken more than half of a year of Sirius pleading before Remus
forgave him enough to call Sirius a friend again. I shouldn't have,
Remus noted, He didn't deserve it, and maybe I could have spared
myself the pain. Maybe I could have...could have saved James and
Lily. Another voice, however, in the back of his mind countered his
words, arguing that to have never forgiven him, that to let Sirius go
would have resulted in more pain for reason Remus, at the time,
hadn't understood. That and what few years of happiness that
followed, those Remus would have hated to loose.
"Traitor," Remus whispered, staring at the concerned face of Sirius
in the picture, but speaking more to the voice inside. He dropped the
static image onto the discard pile, digging through the box of
pictures again.
***********
"What are you saying?" Remus whispered, watching Sirius warily as he
paced the room. He didn't want to be there, not alone with Sirius.
Things hadn't been the same since the incident with Snape, and even
though he may have said the words that absolved Sirius of his wrong
doing after six months of penance, Remus wasn't sure he'd really
forgiven him, and so it remained awkward.
"I'm saying that James and I have been working on this since we found
out that you were a werewolf, Moony," Sirius replied.
"And you've actually done it. You've actually completed the
transformation?"
"Well, sort of. I have, and James is almost there. I-I kind of had
more time to practice, since...." Sirius trailed off, glancing over
at Remus, who merely lowered his eyes, studying the design on the
blanket in front of him. "But he's close, and we're both going to
help Peter though it. It'll be great, you know."
"This...this is highly dangerous. I-I shouldn't support it. I should
go to Dumbledore right now--"
"Moony, don't, please," Sirius whispered, walking over and sitting
down across from Remus on the bed. "We're doing this for you. We
want...I don't want you to have to be alone on those nights anymore.
It's not fair."
"And if you get hurt? If I get loose and someone else gets hurt? My
God, Sirius, did you three even think this through?" Remus snapped.
"What's there to think about, Moony? You won't hurt us, not if we're
in animal form, and all three of us will make sure that you
don't...we'll keep you safe. I promise," Sirius whispered.
"This is the stupidest and most thoughtful thing that anyone has done
for me," Remus replied, rising to his feet. Sirius's eyes narrowed at
that before the words sank in, and he grinned. Against his better
judgment, Remus grinned in return.
"It'll be great, Moony. You'll see," Sirius stated.
***********
Remus shook his head, clearing away all thoughts of the day that he'd
truly forgiven Sirius for the prank, the day he'd first seen Sirius's
animagus form, the day he'd started falling in love. It hadn't taken
long really for what started as a crush that day to develop into
something much, much larger, although it took the better part of the
next two years for Remus to do anything about it.
Obviously I made a mistake, and I should have been...a better judge
of character, Remus thought, sitting down in his chair again, resting
his cup of tea next to the discard pile. He lifted another picture
out of the box, and smiled as every seventh-year Gryffindor waved at
him. He recognized the background -- the Leaving Feast, their last
night in Hogwarts, the night his feelings for Sirius finally came to
a head.
***********
"You got everything packed up, Moony?" Sirius asked, leaning against
the bedpost. Remus glanced over his shoulder at him.
"Yep. All ready to go," he stated, his voice a little sad. "I can't
really believe it's over."
"I know. It's surreal. Especially if you considered James and Lily's
impending nuptials," Sirius said, sitting down on the bed, resting
his elbows on his knees and propping his head up on his hands.
"'Impending nuptials'?" Remus repeated with a grin and a roll of his
eyes. "James hasn't even gathered his courage enough to propose yet."
"Like Red'll say no? Please, Moony, you've seen the two of them
together. It's sickening," Sirius said, returning Remus's grin.
"You're happy for them, you know it," Remus stated, latching his
trunk, "We all are."
"I know. I just.... It's a bit disheartening to see the two of them
and to not have someone...like that as well," Sirius stated softly.
Remus swallowed heavily, sitting down next to his friend.
"Really? I hadn't noticed," Remus replied, with a small
smile, "Although if it bothered you as much, why didn't you settle
down with Livia or perhaps Belle from Ravenclaw, hmm? You seemed to
like them well enough."
"Piffle. Just girls. Not my type," Sirius replied, falling back on
the bed.
"And just what is your type, Padfoot?" Remus replied, smiling at
Sirius over his shoulder as the other boy shrugged.
"Not them," he whispered, and Remus's breath caught as Sirius reached
up and tugged lightly on Remus's hair. "Moony?"
"Yes, Padfoot?" Remus replied, his voice catching slightly.
"If I kissed you right now, what would you do?" The words were quiet
and Remus had to struggle to hear them. His eyes closed briefly
before he replied.
"There's no way of knowing how I will react," Remus stated, pausing
as he felt Sirius rise up from his sprawled position, "Unless you do
it." At that, Remus suddenly found Sirius's lips on his, and Remus
moaned slightly, deepening the kiss. That moment really should have
been awkward and clumsy and a thousand other things besides perfect.
But it was. The right amount of pressure, the right amount of
moisture....
The right person, a helpful voice in the back of his mind supplied.
***********
It turns out that James had proposed that same night and the wedding
happened three months later. A small ceremony really, just a few
friends. Lily's parents had died a couple of years before, and her
sister had refused to attend. They'd celebrated long into the night,
and in the end, Sirius and Remus had muttered their own commitment to
each other that night. Not marriage, not exactly, but close. They'd
been happy though, and a month later they learned that Lily was
pregnant and they'd asked Sirius to be the child's godfather.
Remus blinked back tears, as the annoying ache of pain returned, and
he set the picture down on the table. His eyes passed over the
pictures, his gaze finally resting on one of him and James, a
chessboard between them. A candid shot taken by Lily during one of
her many bouts of photograph obsession. That had been the night that
his relationship with Sirius had slipped out, and for the second time
in his life, Remus had been terrified of losing a friend because of
something he couldn't control.
***********
"Are you?" James asked, dropping his lean form into the chair across
from Remus. Remus, in response, merely blinked in confusion before
raising an eyebrow.
"Am I what?" Remus said, glancing down at the chessboard between them
as the pieces arranged themselves for the game.
"Are you and Sirius, you know, you and Sirius?" Remus's eyebrow rose
even higher.
"Yes. The last time I checked I was still Remus Lupin, and he was
still Sirius Black. We are ourselves. Your point?" James rolled his
eyes, before muttering at the chessboard, sending his pawn two spaces
forward.
"Are you and Sirius together? Like me and Lily?" James asked as Remus
countered by sending his knight forward.
"I can assure you that no one in the world is like you and Lily,"
Remus replied.
"If I wasn't the kind-natured man that I am, I would take offense to
that," James said, moving another piece across the board. "And that
doesn't answer my question."
"Well, your question is highly personal," Remus said, continuing the
game, "And I feel the need to consider my answer."
"A simple yes or no will do, Lupin!" James replied, the harsh words
betrayed by the growing grin on his face. "Or should I just accept
silence as assent?"
"You assume too much," Remus stated, moving his queen forward to take
James's knight. "What gave you the idea?"
"Pete. He says he saw you two in Diagon Alley holding hands," James
said calmly, studying the board, considering his next move. Remus
smiled slightly.
"We weren't holding hands," he stated. James glanced up, meeting his
friend's eyes, the game momentarily forgotten. "Not exactly." His
smile turned into a small smirk. "Peter probably saw us in Flourish &
Blotts. Although how he could confuse *that* with hand holding...."
James held up a silencing hand.
"Please. When he told me, Pete could only manage a few
incomprehensible vowel sounds and the words 'Sirius,' 'Remus,'
and 'hands.'" James shrugged. "I assumed, and I don't need to know
what really happened. I'll leave you that privacy."
"Oh, thanks ever so," Remus said, turning back to the chessboard.
They sat in silence for a few seconds before James opened his mouth
again.
"You love him?" Remus glanced back up, studying James quietly. The
other man refused to meet Remus's eyes, glancing everywhere but
across the table.
"James, look at me," Remus ordered softly, and James's eyes snapped
up to meet his. "I do love him. Is that going to be a problem?" Remus
made sure to keep his voice calm, trying not to betray any of the
confusion and hurt he felt at the fact that his lifestyle choices
might ruin a friendship. James was quiet.
"No, not at all," he finally said, before sending another of his
pawns forward. "Your move," he muttered. Remus nodded, moving his
piece. The two continued in silence for several minutes, moving their
chess pieces, until James spoke again. "He hurts you, I'll kill him,
okay?" Remus glanced up again, his throat dry.
"I...thank you, I think." James nodded, waving the words away with
his hand. Remus swallowed. "I don't think that that will be a
problem. I think he loves me too."
"Good, because he's my friend, and I kind of like him," James stated,
returning his eyes to the board.
"Yeah," Remus replied, "I kind of like him too."
***********
Lily's overheard the news and had been ecstatic, immediately
extracting a promise that Sirius and Remus would both come by for
supper. Remus had promised, but they'd never fulfilled that promise.
A week later Harry had been born, a month premature, and everyone
from Lily to Peter was worried about the baby's chances of survival.
Three months after that, Severus Snape had deserted Voldemort,
bringing news that the Dark Lord wanted the Potters dead.
Everything after that was filled with lies most of the time. Remus
was working with Dumbledore on contacting the numerous werewolves in
the British Isles to try and keep them from heeding Voldemort's call.
His mission was secretive, and he'd had to lie to his lover. Not that
Sirius noticed. He was gone most of the time, disappearing in the
middle of the night.
"I should have known. I should have told James and Lily that Sirius
was missing for long periods of time. then they wouldn't have...and
Peter would still be alive," Remus muttered to himself. He sighed
again tossing the picture down. He searched the box again, his hand
finally finding the one picture he could send to Hagrid. the only
wedding picture to survive the destruction of the Potter House at
Godric's hollow.
But as he watched Sirius grin and wave, one arm around James's
shoulder, Remus faltered and briefly considered tossing that picture,
along with the rest, into the fire and letting them burn. He knew,
however, that that would not be fair to James or Lily or Harry. As
much as he hated the smiling man in the picture in that moment, he
wouldn't deny Harry the chance to know his parents. He couldn't do
that to the boy.
Remus sighed again, rising to his feet, carrying the picture with him
as he searched the kitchen for a spare piece of parchment. He found
and scribbled a quick note to Hagrid on it, fastening the picture to
it. He set it down on the counter, vowing to take it into town
tomorrow. Tonight, however, Remus thought, pulling an unopened bottle
of Ogden's Old Firewhisky out of the cupboard, I'm going to forget,
if only for a while.
***********
End
Inspired by Hagrid's photo album at the end of the first book and
this quote: "Sent owls off ter all yer parent's old school friends,
askin' for photos...."
AUTHOR: Samantha [kali_neba@h...]
DISTRIBUTION: Azkaban's Lair. anyone else, please ask first.
SPOILERS: set in the middle of the first book with very minor
spoilers for the end of it as well as for PoA.
RATING/CONTENT: PG, Sirius/Remus, James/Lily,
SUMMARY: A letter from Hagrid forces Remus to remember a past he's
tried so hard to put behind him.
DISCLAIMER: Remus, Sirius, and the rest belong to JK Rowling.
NOTE: The parts of the story between the dividers are flashbacks.
Oh love, look at you now
You've got yourself stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it
-- U2, "Stuck in a Moment"
The owl carrying the letter from Hagrid arrived on a Monday, and
Remus opened it immediately, briefly scanning the words before
dropping the letter onto the weathered surface of the table with
shaking hands. It took him three days to rally the courage necessary
to walk to the cupboard and find the boxes that he needed. He carried
the boxes into the kitchen and set them on the table, walking away
from them as soon as that was done, and it was another day before he
could bear to open them, lifting a handful of the pictures inside out
and placing them on the table in front of him.
He sighed heavily, running a hand over his face. Remus glanced down
at the pile in front of him, a small smile tugging at the corners of
his mouth as he lifted the picture on top. An eleven-year old Peter
waved at him from the photograph while James and Sirius wrestled
about on the floor. For his part, the eleven-year old Remus was half-
shrouded in shadows as if trying to disappear from the picture all
together. Their first night at Hogwarts, and they weren't entirely
comfortable with each other, yet. Of course, Remus noted, his smile
spreading slightly, I didn't exactly open up to them.
***********
"You all right, there?" a voice asked as Remus wrapped his robe
tighter around him, trying to hold off the rain-induced chill. He
glanced around, locating the source of the voice leaning against the
banister, and as he brushed a piece of wet hair out of his eyes,
Remus nodded.
"I'm fine," he stated, glancing back at the large, imposing doors in
front of the gathering of first-years. The dark-haired boy who'd
spoken stepped up next to him.
"Which house do you expect to be in?" he asked, glancing at
Remus, "I'm hoping for Gryffindor, myself, although I suppose
Ravenclaw wouldn't be so bad." He smiled widely. "Anything but
Slytherin, really."
Remus blinked, then asked, "Why not Slytherin?" He already knew the
answer, of course; everyone from a decent wizard family knew why one
wouldn't want to be in Slytherin.
"Why?" the boy repeated, studying Remus, "Because everyone knows that
anything evil, vile, or disgusting ends up in Slytherin." Which is
where I'll be, Remus added in his own thoughts, They wouldn't put me
anywhere else. Wouldn't want the werewolf associating with the good
children. "How about you?" the boy asked, turning back to the
doors, "Where do you want to be?"
"Oh, I don't know," Remus muttered, glancing down at the floor. "I
hadn't thought about it. Probably Ravenclaw, though." Before Remus
could continue, another boy joined them.
"Sirius! There you are!" he exclaimed, brushing past a small group of
girls who glared at him.
"Honestly, James, where else would I be?" the first boy, Sirius,
stated with a roll of his eyes, "Of course if you hadn't be making
time with the red-haired girl...." he trailed off with a grin,
indicating the small girl at the back of the group with his chin.
"Making time with--" James began, smacking Sirius on the arm, "I was
just telling her how the paintings moved. She's muggle-born and
didn't know what to do when the portrait waved at her." He shook his
head, turning slightly and noticing Remus for the first time. "Oh,
hello. James Potter," he stated holding out his hand. Remus glanced
down at it before shaking it.
"Remus Lupin," he replied. James smiled at him.
"I suppose he," James gestured at Sirius, "held an entire
conversation with you without once mentioning his name, didn't he?"
Sirius merely rolled his eyes again in response, holding out his own
hand.
"Sirius Black." Before anything else could be said between the three
of them, the woman who had introduced herself as Professor McGonagall
returned and ushered them toward the doors, which swung open by
themselves, revealing the huge room filled with both student and
teachers. As they were led down the path between two of the tables,
Remus caught sight of the stool and the battered hat that rested on
it, and his mouth went dry, already dreading his own turn under the
hat.
He barely heard McGonagall as she explained the process and began
calling out the names, although he did notice that Sirius got his
wish and ended up in Gryffindor, as did the small red-haired girl.
When the professor called out "Lupin, Remus!", he didn't move,
staring at her with fear plainly on his face. He took a tentative
step toward the stool, and as he moved closer to it, he found the
gaze of the Headmaster on him. Dumbledore nodded slightly, offering
an encouraging smile as Remus reached the stool. Remus barely had
time to get comfortable before the hat was placed on his head and a
rough voice filled his mind.
"Ah, yes, Lupin. I remember your father, Romulus; he was an ideal
Ravenclaw, indeed. Hmmm, and what about you, young Mr. Lupin?
Yes....yes, a bright mind, very bright. You, too, would be an honor
to Ravenclaw, but what's this?" The hat was silent for a moment, and
Remus's eyes feel shut, certain that any second the hat would call
out Slytherin and everyone in school would know that something was
wrong with him. "Ah, yes, a werewolf, and one so young at that. To
deal with that curse and the prejudice surrounding it will be very
difficult, indeed. Therefore, it'd better be...." Remus's eyes were
still screwed shut and his mind, so ready to hear Slytherin, barely
recognized the Sorting Hat's voice when it shouted "Gryffindor!" His
eyes flew open and a grin spread across his face as the hat was
pulled away and he caught sight of the table of Gryffindor's all
applauding loudly. He practically ran to the table, half-afraid that
he was going to be called back and told that the hat had obviously
made a mistake, but he managed to take a seat next to Sirius without
anyone ordering him to the Slytherin table instead.
Later that night after the Gryffindor first-years had been rounded
out by James Potter and Peter Pettigrew, and the entire house had
retired to the common room, the four first-year boys sat around
discussing the upcoming year. Rather, Sirius, James, and Peter
discussed it, while Remus tried to blend into the background, hoping
no one would notice him. That plan had gone out the window as soon as
the red-haired girl, Lily, walked over to them, holding a Muggle
camera.
"Would you mind posing? I wanted to send my mum and dad a picture of
everyone in my House," she said, smiling at them, and Remus suddenly
found himself the object of focus for four pairs of eyes.
"All right," he whispered.
***********
From the moment on, Sirius and James had adopted Remus, trying to
bring him out of himself, and it had worked. Within a month, the four
of them had become close friends. Not that Remus associated with much
of anyone outside of the close circle. Of course, his monthly
disappearances did little to further any outside friendships, and had
very nearly destroyed things between the few friends he did have.
Remus sighed again, placing the picture off to the side, debating on
whether to send it to Hagrid or not. Hagrid wanted pictures of
Harry's parents, not, Remus was certain, pictures of people that
Harry could care less about. He thumbed through the pictures,
searching for the signature red of Lily's hair. He found none,
though, and created a pile for the useless pictures. He closed his
eyes briefly before rising to his feet and heading to the stove to
make tea. As the water began to heat, he glanced back down into the
box of pictures and his gaze caught on a little flash of red. He
reached in, pulling the picture out from under several others.
The picture hadn't been enchanted to move, so the image was static,
but Remus's breath caught when he recognized it. The one day that he
had been dreading since the moment he'd arrived at Hogwarts -- the
day Sirius, James, and Peter had discovered he was a werewolf.
***********
Every muscle ached as Remus moved slowly down the hallway, and he
absently moved his right hand down his left arm, tracing the new
scars that were the reminders of the previous night's struggle with
his beast.
"Three more staircases," he muttered, mentally trying to focus on the
distance to Gryffindor Tower in order to ignore the pain that Madame
Pomfrey couldn't soothe away. "Three more staircases and then, fifty-
one stairs to the dorm, ten steps to my bed."
"Remus!" James's over-excited voice called out from above him, and
Remus glanced up to see James, Sirius, and Peter hurrying down the
stairs towards him. He straightened slightly, trying not to look like
he'd just been walking hunched over.
"Good morning," he greeted, attempting a smile when the group reached
him, but he failed miserably, causing Sirius to look at him strangely.
"We weren't expecting you back this soon," James stated, "But you're
just in time for the match." Ah, Remus remembered, the Gryffindor
versus Slytherin match. James's first match as Chaser. "We were all
heading down to the pitch."
"We want to get good seats," Peter stated, nodding slightly.
"Of course," Remus said, smiling apologetically, "I-I don't think
I'll make it, though, what with Mum being ill all night. I didn't get
any sleep."
"You sure?" James asked, concern in his voice overpowering his
excitement over the match.
"Positive." None of the three moved, and Remus made an impatient
gesture with his hand. "Go on, then. I'll be fine," he said just as a
crowd of people passed them, apparently heading for the match as
well. "You'd better hurry or there won't be any seats left. Do try
and win, though, James, otherwise, we'll never hear the end of it
from Slytherin," he ordered with a small smile. James nodded,
grinning in return.
"We'll tell you all about it when we get back," Peter stated, patting
Remus on the arm in passing, "Won't we, Sirius?" Sirius didn't say
anything; he merely cocked his head, studying Remus. "Sirius?"
"Go on. I want to make sure that Remus is okay," Sirius finally
replied, never taking his eyes off of Remus.
"There's no need, Sirius," Remus stated softly. "I'm perfectly fine."
"Go on, James. I'll make it down before the match," Sirius stated,
turning slightly to James. "Promise." James nodded and ushered Peter
down the stairs. Remus studied Sirius silently before turning and
going in the opposite direction. "Remus," Sirius called out as Remus
was halfway up the stairs. Remus stopped and turned around to face
him. "I need to ask you something."
"This really isn't the place," Remus muttered, turning and going the
rest of the way up to the next landing. He heard Sirius's heavy
footsteps behind him as his friend reached the landing as well.
"Remus, it's important," Sirius muttered in reply.
"Please, Sirius, I just want to sleep. Just...just go to the match."
"Remus," Sirius stated, touching Remus's arm. "Please."
"What, Sirius?" Remus asked, his eyes flashing. "What is so bloody
important?"
"I just...." He trailed off, chewing on his lower lip, as if trying
to think of something to say. "I just wanted to know how your mum
was?" Remus sighed, rubbing his eyes.
"She's fine, Sirius. Feeling much better, in fact." He blinked,
leaning back against the railing.
"Are you sure? I mean, y-you have to go to her every month," Sirius
whispered. Remus turned and studied him.
"Yes, Sirius. My mother is quite well," he stated.
"Remus, is your mother...." Sirius took a deep breath, "Is she a
werewolf?" Remus's eyes narrowed in confusion then he burst out
laughing. Sirius raised an eyebrow. "It's an honest question, you
know. I mean, she's always sick at the full moon, and I just got to
wondering."
"No, my mother is not a werewolf," Remus replied, quieting his
laughter.
"Oh," Sirius said, sighing. "That's good then." He studied Remus,
causing the other boy to make a mental check, but Remus was certain
that none of his scars showed from under his robe. Most were on his
upper arms and legs, with a few on his chest and back, but none that
would be visible to Sirius. "Are you?" Sirius finally asked, and
Remus's breath caught at that, his eyes falling shut.
They stood in silence for a moment before Remus finally replied, "And
if I am?" He opened his eyes and carefully studied his friend's face,
searching Sirius's eyes for the loathing and fear Remus had come to
expect. Finding none, he let out the breath that he hadn't realized
he'd been holding.
"Then I'd ask why you haven't told any of us by now," Sirius stated
calmly.
***********
They told James and Peter later that night in the privacy of the
boys' dormitory, and Peter had been the only one to show fear of any
kind at Remus's confession, but with a little prodding from James and
Sirius caused Peter to relent. They'd all promised to keep the
secret, and nothing changed in the small group.
But, really, I'd been far too optimistic, Remus thought as the
teakettle whistled. He removed the kettle from the fire and set about
making his tea, trying to keep his mind off the memory at the back of
his mind. However, that memory was insistent, and Remus nearly
dropped the kettle as the sting of betrayal returned to his mind.
***********
He found him standing on the dock where the first-years usually
arrived. Sirius was soaked, robe no longer keeping out the rain, and
Remus knew that he'd been out there for hours. However, as he stepped
onto the dock, his booted footsteps echoing on the wood, Remus found
that he didn't care how long Sirius had been out there. Remus stopped
walking when he was within speaking distance, studying Sirius through
the sheets of rain. Sirius turned slightly as Remus stopped, and when
he met Remus's eyes, his own were rimmed in red.
"Moony, I--" But Remus held up a silencing hand.
"Please, Sirius," Remus whispered, not sure if his words would really
be heard over the rain, "Please, tell me that it's not true. Tell me
I'm remembering it wrongly. Please." But Sirius remained quiet, and
Remus knew the truth -- Sirius had sent Snape to shack to die at
Remus's hands. "Why?" Remus muttered, turning and walking away before
Sirius could answer, not wanting to hear how someone he cared about
could care so little.
***********
It had taken more than half of a year of Sirius pleading before Remus
forgave him enough to call Sirius a friend again. I shouldn't have,
Remus noted, He didn't deserve it, and maybe I could have spared
myself the pain. Maybe I could have...could have saved James and
Lily. Another voice, however, in the back of his mind countered his
words, arguing that to have never forgiven him, that to let Sirius go
would have resulted in more pain for reason Remus, at the time,
hadn't understood. That and what few years of happiness that
followed, those Remus would have hated to loose.
"Traitor," Remus whispered, staring at the concerned face of Sirius
in the picture, but speaking more to the voice inside. He dropped the
static image onto the discard pile, digging through the box of
pictures again.
***********
"What are you saying?" Remus whispered, watching Sirius warily as he
paced the room. He didn't want to be there, not alone with Sirius.
Things hadn't been the same since the incident with Snape, and even
though he may have said the words that absolved Sirius of his wrong
doing after six months of penance, Remus wasn't sure he'd really
forgiven him, and so it remained awkward.
"I'm saying that James and I have been working on this since we found
out that you were a werewolf, Moony," Sirius replied.
"And you've actually done it. You've actually completed the
transformation?"
"Well, sort of. I have, and James is almost there. I-I kind of had
more time to practice, since...." Sirius trailed off, glancing over
at Remus, who merely lowered his eyes, studying the design on the
blanket in front of him. "But he's close, and we're both going to
help Peter though it. It'll be great, you know."
"This...this is highly dangerous. I-I shouldn't support it. I should
go to Dumbledore right now--"
"Moony, don't, please," Sirius whispered, walking over and sitting
down across from Remus on the bed. "We're doing this for you. We
want...I don't want you to have to be alone on those nights anymore.
It's not fair."
"And if you get hurt? If I get loose and someone else gets hurt? My
God, Sirius, did you three even think this through?" Remus snapped.
"What's there to think about, Moony? You won't hurt us, not if we're
in animal form, and all three of us will make sure that you
don't...we'll keep you safe. I promise," Sirius whispered.
"This is the stupidest and most thoughtful thing that anyone has done
for me," Remus replied, rising to his feet. Sirius's eyes narrowed at
that before the words sank in, and he grinned. Against his better
judgment, Remus grinned in return.
"It'll be great, Moony. You'll see," Sirius stated.
***********
Remus shook his head, clearing away all thoughts of the day that he'd
truly forgiven Sirius for the prank, the day he'd first seen Sirius's
animagus form, the day he'd started falling in love. It hadn't taken
long really for what started as a crush that day to develop into
something much, much larger, although it took the better part of the
next two years for Remus to do anything about it.
Obviously I made a mistake, and I should have been...a better judge
of character, Remus thought, sitting down in his chair again, resting
his cup of tea next to the discard pile. He lifted another picture
out of the box, and smiled as every seventh-year Gryffindor waved at
him. He recognized the background -- the Leaving Feast, their last
night in Hogwarts, the night his feelings for Sirius finally came to
a head.
***********
"You got everything packed up, Moony?" Sirius asked, leaning against
the bedpost. Remus glanced over his shoulder at him.
"Yep. All ready to go," he stated, his voice a little sad. "I can't
really believe it's over."
"I know. It's surreal. Especially if you considered James and Lily's
impending nuptials," Sirius said, sitting down on the bed, resting
his elbows on his knees and propping his head up on his hands.
"'Impending nuptials'?" Remus repeated with a grin and a roll of his
eyes. "James hasn't even gathered his courage enough to propose yet."
"Like Red'll say no? Please, Moony, you've seen the two of them
together. It's sickening," Sirius said, returning Remus's grin.
"You're happy for them, you know it," Remus stated, latching his
trunk, "We all are."
"I know. I just.... It's a bit disheartening to see the two of them
and to not have someone...like that as well," Sirius stated softly.
Remus swallowed heavily, sitting down next to his friend.
"Really? I hadn't noticed," Remus replied, with a small
smile, "Although if it bothered you as much, why didn't you settle
down with Livia or perhaps Belle from Ravenclaw, hmm? You seemed to
like them well enough."
"Piffle. Just girls. Not my type," Sirius replied, falling back on
the bed.
"And just what is your type, Padfoot?" Remus replied, smiling at
Sirius over his shoulder as the other boy shrugged.
"Not them," he whispered, and Remus's breath caught as Sirius reached
up and tugged lightly on Remus's hair. "Moony?"
"Yes, Padfoot?" Remus replied, his voice catching slightly.
"If I kissed you right now, what would you do?" The words were quiet
and Remus had to struggle to hear them. His eyes closed briefly
before he replied.
"There's no way of knowing how I will react," Remus stated, pausing
as he felt Sirius rise up from his sprawled position, "Unless you do
it." At that, Remus suddenly found Sirius's lips on his, and Remus
moaned slightly, deepening the kiss. That moment really should have
been awkward and clumsy and a thousand other things besides perfect.
But it was. The right amount of pressure, the right amount of
moisture....
The right person, a helpful voice in the back of his mind supplied.
***********
It turns out that James had proposed that same night and the wedding
happened three months later. A small ceremony really, just a few
friends. Lily's parents had died a couple of years before, and her
sister had refused to attend. They'd celebrated long into the night,
and in the end, Sirius and Remus had muttered their own commitment to
each other that night. Not marriage, not exactly, but close. They'd
been happy though, and a month later they learned that Lily was
pregnant and they'd asked Sirius to be the child's godfather.
Remus blinked back tears, as the annoying ache of pain returned, and
he set the picture down on the table. His eyes passed over the
pictures, his gaze finally resting on one of him and James, a
chessboard between them. A candid shot taken by Lily during one of
her many bouts of photograph obsession. That had been the night that
his relationship with Sirius had slipped out, and for the second time
in his life, Remus had been terrified of losing a friend because of
something he couldn't control.
***********
"Are you?" James asked, dropping his lean form into the chair across
from Remus. Remus, in response, merely blinked in confusion before
raising an eyebrow.
"Am I what?" Remus said, glancing down at the chessboard between them
as the pieces arranged themselves for the game.
"Are you and Sirius, you know, you and Sirius?" Remus's eyebrow rose
even higher.
"Yes. The last time I checked I was still Remus Lupin, and he was
still Sirius Black. We are ourselves. Your point?" James rolled his
eyes, before muttering at the chessboard, sending his pawn two spaces
forward.
"Are you and Sirius together? Like me and Lily?" James asked as Remus
countered by sending his knight forward.
"I can assure you that no one in the world is like you and Lily,"
Remus replied.
"If I wasn't the kind-natured man that I am, I would take offense to
that," James said, moving another piece across the board. "And that
doesn't answer my question."
"Well, your question is highly personal," Remus said, continuing the
game, "And I feel the need to consider my answer."
"A simple yes or no will do, Lupin!" James replied, the harsh words
betrayed by the growing grin on his face. "Or should I just accept
silence as assent?"
"You assume too much," Remus stated, moving his queen forward to take
James's knight. "What gave you the idea?"
"Pete. He says he saw you two in Diagon Alley holding hands," James
said calmly, studying the board, considering his next move. Remus
smiled slightly.
"We weren't holding hands," he stated. James glanced up, meeting his
friend's eyes, the game momentarily forgotten. "Not exactly." His
smile turned into a small smirk. "Peter probably saw us in Flourish &
Blotts. Although how he could confuse *that* with hand holding...."
James held up a silencing hand.
"Please. When he told me, Pete could only manage a few
incomprehensible vowel sounds and the words 'Sirius,' 'Remus,'
and 'hands.'" James shrugged. "I assumed, and I don't need to know
what really happened. I'll leave you that privacy."
"Oh, thanks ever so," Remus said, turning back to the chessboard.
They sat in silence for a few seconds before James opened his mouth
again.
"You love him?" Remus glanced back up, studying James quietly. The
other man refused to meet Remus's eyes, glancing everywhere but
across the table.
"James, look at me," Remus ordered softly, and James's eyes snapped
up to meet his. "I do love him. Is that going to be a problem?" Remus
made sure to keep his voice calm, trying not to betray any of the
confusion and hurt he felt at the fact that his lifestyle choices
might ruin a friendship. James was quiet.
"No, not at all," he finally said, before sending another of his
pawns forward. "Your move," he muttered. Remus nodded, moving his
piece. The two continued in silence for several minutes, moving their
chess pieces, until James spoke again. "He hurts you, I'll kill him,
okay?" Remus glanced up again, his throat dry.
"I...thank you, I think." James nodded, waving the words away with
his hand. Remus swallowed. "I don't think that that will be a
problem. I think he loves me too."
"Good, because he's my friend, and I kind of like him," James stated,
returning his eyes to the board.
"Yeah," Remus replied, "I kind of like him too."
***********
Lily's overheard the news and had been ecstatic, immediately
extracting a promise that Sirius and Remus would both come by for
supper. Remus had promised, but they'd never fulfilled that promise.
A week later Harry had been born, a month premature, and everyone
from Lily to Peter was worried about the baby's chances of survival.
Three months after that, Severus Snape had deserted Voldemort,
bringing news that the Dark Lord wanted the Potters dead.
Everything after that was filled with lies most of the time. Remus
was working with Dumbledore on contacting the numerous werewolves in
the British Isles to try and keep them from heeding Voldemort's call.
His mission was secretive, and he'd had to lie to his lover. Not that
Sirius noticed. He was gone most of the time, disappearing in the
middle of the night.
"I should have known. I should have told James and Lily that Sirius
was missing for long periods of time. then they wouldn't have...and
Peter would still be alive," Remus muttered to himself. He sighed
again tossing the picture down. He searched the box again, his hand
finally finding the one picture he could send to Hagrid. the only
wedding picture to survive the destruction of the Potter House at
Godric's hollow.
But as he watched Sirius grin and wave, one arm around James's
shoulder, Remus faltered and briefly considered tossing that picture,
along with the rest, into the fire and letting them burn. He knew,
however, that that would not be fair to James or Lily or Harry. As
much as he hated the smiling man in the picture in that moment, he
wouldn't deny Harry the chance to know his parents. He couldn't do
that to the boy.
Remus sighed again, rising to his feet, carrying the picture with him
as he searched the kitchen for a spare piece of parchment. He found
and scribbled a quick note to Hagrid on it, fastening the picture to
it. He set it down on the counter, vowing to take it into town
tomorrow. Tonight, however, Remus thought, pulling an unopened bottle
of Ogden's Old Firewhisky out of the cupboard, I'm going to forget,
if only for a while.
***********
End
Inspired by Hagrid's photo album at the end of the first book and
this quote: "Sent owls off ter all yer parent's old school friends,
askin' for photos...."
