by Belladonna Sinistra
I've been aloneAll the years
So many ways to count the tears
I never change
I never will
I'm so afraid of the way I feel…
I'm alone again. That's the way it's always been, and it seems that's the way it'll always be. But…sometimes I wish I had someone to confide in, a friend, someone who would understand, but nobody ever seems to want to know me, and I'm too afraid to go up and talk to someone in case they just laugh at me. Then again, sometimes I just hate everyone and everything, and then I know that I can't handle having friends. I suppose that's just the way I am- I'll never change. Still…I wish there was someone, anyone…Going back to Voldemort is going to be dangerous, especially if he so much as suspects that I'm not entirely loyal to him, and I must admit, I'm more than a little scared at the prospect. All these emotions…regret, sorrow, anger, hatred, fear- they are a dangerous mixture, and I think that scares me more the thought of becoming a Death Eater again. I'm so afraid of the way I feel…
Days when the rain and the sun are goneBlack as night
Agony's torn at my heart too long
So afraid
Slip and I fall and I die…
I remember the way I felt when I was losing heart in being a Death Eater. It seemed that everything was black and cloudy, and I couldn't see where to go or what to do, but even so, I knew I couldn't take it much longer. The screams of the ones they tortured used to tear at my soul, and even now, years later, I hear them in my dreams. I was so afraid then- if Voldemort had ever suspected what I was planning to do…All it would have taken was one fatal error, one slip and I fall and I die…
I've been aloneAlways down
No-one cared to stay around
I never change
I never will
I'm so afraid of the way I feel…
I wonder if the other Death Eaters ever suspected what I was doing? It was strange at the time- one minute I had friends, drinking buddies and what-have-you, and the next minute, everyone was avoiding me. I suppose they must have suspected something- none of them would have cared to stay around if Voldemort had ever found out. I guess I'll never change- once a nark, always a nark. It's not an easy job, I can tell you that…
Days when the rain and the sun are goneBlack as night
Agony's torn t my heart too long
So afraid
Slip and I fall and I die…
So, here we go again. Back to the darkness, the clouded thoughts, the anxiety, the constant fear. Back to hearing the screams of the Muggles and the Aurors and their wives and children, back to the agony tearing at my heart…I'm not looking forward to this, but I can't say I like the idea of Voldemort being in power, and I know that my information could play a vital role in bringing him down again. But I'm still so afraid…I've seen what they do to people they think they can get information from, and I really don't want to think about what they'll do to me if I'm caught. All it takes is one mistake, one slip and I fall and I die…
