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"Heero,
hurry the hell up or we are going to be late!"
"I can't find my goddamn keys!"
Relena Peacecraft-Yuy, Princess of the Cinq Kingdom, rolled
her eyes at her husband, Heero Yuy, former pilot of the Gundam Wing
Zero and head of Peacecraft Security, and left their bedroom, practically
throwing herself down the stairs in a mad rush to find the missing car
keys. The Yuy's Nanny, Allison, met her at the bottom, holding 6 month
old Thomas out to his mother.
"It's five past, Miss Relena, I thought you were supposed
to be leaving at one." Allison questioned the young blonde woman.
Taking her son from his daytime carer, she replied, "Heero's
lost his car keys again and if he doesn't find them soon, we are
going to be late."
"Can I do anything to help?" Both Relena and Allison
turned around to see a young blonde man come into the hallway from the
kitchen.
"Here, Quatre, take Thomas and get him into his car
seat." Relena said, settling the small boy into Quatre's arms. "I
have to help Heero find those keys or there will be hell on earth."
"I'll be taking off then, Miss Relena. If you need anything,
please call." Allison said with a polite smile.
"No problems, Allison, enjoy your afternoon off."
Relena said and dashed back up the stairs, taking care not to trip in
her heels. "Heero, have you found anything yet?"
Quatre Raberba Winner, former pilot of the Gundam Sandrock
and heir to the Winner Resource Satellite Estate, smiled at the baby boy
he held in his arms, "Come on, Tom, we'd best get out of here before
your Dad starts the next After Colony War all on his own."
He grabbed his coat off the rack and jumped at the sound
of the door slamming behind him. "Wufei?"
Chang Wufei, former pilot of the Gundam Altron and
assistant to head of Peacecraft Security gazed at his lover, "Are
we going yet or what?"
Quatre chuckled, "No, not yet. Heero's lost his car
keys again."
A grimace crossed Wufei's handsome Chinese face, "He's
whatQuatre, I took his keys. The car is waiting outside,
wasting gas, while that moron is wasting our time!"
The blonde Arabian passed off the baby he held to his partner,
"Go, take Thomas and get in the car. I'll get Heero and Relena before
we lose any more of our precious time."
Wufei nodded and left the house, slamming the door roughly
behind him while Quatre went to the stairs and shouted, "Heero! Relena!
Let's go! Wufei's got the keys!"
A monstrous screech came from one of the rooms at the top
of the stairs and Heero emerged with Relena close behind him. "Damn
you, Chang, this is the third time this week you've taken my keys and
didn't tell me! I should have known!"
Heero thundered down the stairs and grabbed his jacket from
the rail. He opened the door to see the sleek black limo waiting out front,
"No way, Chang, I'm driving!"
Wufei made a face at him from where he sat in the driver's
seat, "Whatever, Yuy, just try and get me out of the car first."
Quatre stood there and chuckled to himself as he did up the
last of the buttons on his jacket. "I don't know what's wasting more
time, us looking for the missing keys or them fighting over who's going
to drive."
Relena gave an amused sigh, "Well, we're already late,
what's a few more minutes?"
"But of all days, did it have to rain today?" Quatre
remarked looking out the door at the weather, "It isn't appropriate.
Two months ago, we buried Ania on a perfectly sunny day. Tomorrow, we
bring home her `daughter from the hospital and it's raining."
The blonde woman squeezed her friend's shoulder, "Don't
let the weather kill the mood, Quatre, it is going to be an exciting couple
of days."
"Relena?"
"What is it?"
"Trowa left us a month ago and hasn't called or written
since then, only Cathie has." Quatre looked at the floor. "He's
going to be okay, isn't he? He's going to be a great father to Grace,
right?"
Relena smiled, "Everything will be fine. You remember how he treated
Grace before he left, barely leaving her side in the hospital. Trowa needed
some time to himself. Ania's death affected him most of all."
"I can't help but worry."
"I know, we all do." A car horn sounded outside.
"Come on, the other's are waiting for us."
Relena kissed Quatre's pale cheek and they both exited the
house to the waiting limousine.
*****
The rain
poured down around the two couples waiting patiently for the transport
to land. Relena and Heero stood under a bright blue umbrella with Thomas.
Quatre and Wufei were standing close together under a simple black one.
"You know, they could put the waiting area under cover." Wufei
whispered to his partner in front of him.
"You work for Milliardo Peacecraft, and he's responsible for this
country. Put the proposal to him." Quatre replied, without taking
his eyes off the transport landing pad.
"Maybe I'll just talk to his sister."
"You do that."
A pained looked crossed Wufei's face at Quatre's abrupt comeback, "Are
you okay?"
"Yes, why?"
"Because you've never spoken to me in that tone of voice before."
The statement forced Quatre to turn and stare at the taller man behind
him, "II'm sorry, 'Fei, I'm worried about Trowa."
"What for?"
"His lack of contact since he left, having to hear how he's doing
from his sister. I can't even tell if what she says is the truth."
Quatre said, with a sad note in his voice.
Wufei pulled Quatre in close to him under the soggy umbrella, "Don't
worry so much, Quatre. Trowa needed some time to recover his senses. The
last couple of months have been really hard on him."
"That's exactly what Relena said."
"Then trust us."
But the sinking feeling in Quatre's stomach didn't go away.
The transport landed and shut itself down, leaving a ringing in the ears
of the onlookers waiting for friends and relatives to disembark. The doors
opened and the first few people, all with shocked looks on their faces
at the sight of the cool June weather, came into the dim light of the
cloudy afternoon.
The two couples watched and waited for their close friends, Trowa and
his sister Catherine, to appear, but Catherine noticed them first and
she shrieked loudly at the sight of Relena.
"Relena!!"
Relena waved from underneath her umbrella watching Catherine move through
the line on her way to the security gate.
"Gods, is that him?" Wufei whispered loudly.
But Quatre couldn't respond. A shocked, almost frightened look came across
his face as he stared at the man walking behind Catherine. Trowa looked
thin and ill, like he'd been beaten down by something. His hair hadn't
been combed or washed in what appeared to be days. His clothes were rumpled,
his shoes dirty, in fact, it looked like Trowa stopped taking care of
himself.
~The
winter here's cold, and bitter, it's chilled us to the bone.~
~I haven't seen the sun for weeks, too long too far from home...~
Catherine
broke through the crowd of people after clearing security and the two
women met and hugged. "Oh Relena, it's great to see you. I've been
looking forward to this visit ever since Quatre called to tell us Grace
could come home!"
"Oh, Cathie, so have we!" Relena hugged her friend
again.
Catherine exchanged kisses with Heero and then took Thomas
from him, "Hi, Tom, you've gotten big and you look so much like your
dad now!"
Relena smiled, handing Catherine the spare umbrella she held,
"Doesn't he? He has that same unruly brown hair Heero has and I find
there's nothing I can do to fix it."
Cathie pulled her heavy coat snugly around her and opened
her umbrella, "Why's it raining so hard? We've been having snow in
our colony. I think the main weather controls are broken, but the news
says it's normal. I hoped for some warmer weather."
"Bit of unexpected rain never hurt anybody." Heero,
said, staring at the tall figure behind Catherine.
Former Gundam HeavyArms Pilot and Circus Clown, Trowa
Barton stood off to one side, oblivious to the chill rain falling on him
as he listened to his sister chatter on about the little boy and the weather.
Quatre glanced at Heero's slightly puzzled expression and left the shelter
of the umbrella to approach his newly arrived best friend.
"Trowa?" He asked, touching his friend's shoulder.
The tall man turned and looked at the Arabian standing before
him, but did not reach out in any form of greeting. Trowa simply had no
emotion at all in his face. "Hi, Quatre."
"You don't look very well. Are you alright?"
"I'm fine, Quatre."
Quatre stared into his friends deep green eyes and shivered
at the lack of any feeling in them, "We've missed you, you know.
We're glad you're here."
"I am too, thanks."
From the corner of his eye, Quatre saw Heero motion them
all towards the car, and realized he would get no more words out of Trowa
now, "Come on, Heero wants to go. I think Thomas is getting cold."
They followed Heero, Relena, and Catherine to the Limo, where
the two young women happily chatted, while the four pilots and long time
friends sat in the uncomfortable silence surrounding Trowa Barton.
*****
"Trowa
didn't come down for dinner tonight."
Quatre looked at his partner sitting on the bed next to him,
"Are you surprised?"
"No, I'm not, now that I think about it. What happened
to him, Quatre? He isn't the same Trowa Barton who left here a month ago."
Wufei stated, kicking his shoes off and shoving them under the bed. "It
almost feels like he's lost his grip on reality, or something equally
bad. I've never been uncomfortable around any of the Gundam pilots,
but today, I almost didn't want to be there."
Quatre sighed, "I suspected this, 'Fei. But I didn't
think it'd be so bad, or that he'd lock himself up in his room and avoid
people. He's taken Ania's death really hard."
"Where is he now?"
"In his room." The Arabian stood up, "I'm
going to go talk to him."
"Alright, I'll see you downstairsand Quatre"
Quatre turned around and stared at his partner.
"Don't push him too hard, he's had a rough time."
Wufei said. "He's been avoiding us since he arrived, give him time
to come to you."
"I promise." And with those words, the young blonde
man disappeared out the bedroom door.
He swiftly padded down the hall to the room where Trowa resided
whenever he visited, the same one he'd shared with Ania when she lived.
Quatre went to knock on the door and another door nearby opened and Catherine
came out of her room.
"Oh, Quatre, just the person I wanted to see."
Catherine said, with a feigned smile, but her eyes held sorrow and secrecy.
"What is it, Cathie?" Quatre said, "I'm going
to visit Trowa."
"Don't."
"What?"
"Don't speak to him right now. He's a bit touchy at
the moment." Catherine looked at the ground, not wanting to meet
Quatre's inquisitive aquamarine eyes. "Besides, you won't find him
in there."
"Where is he?"
Catherine glanced down the hall, "He's down there in
the small end room. He asked Relena when we arrived if he could stay somewhere
else, since the other room holds too many painful memories for him."
"Thank you for the information." Quatre turned
to walk away from her.
"Please, Quatre, please leave him alone." Catherine
pleaded.
"He's been gone for a month and he's my best friend,
I'd like to go speak to him. Especially since he didn't come down and
eat with us this evening." Quatre narrowed his eyes. "What are
you not telling me, Cathie? Is there more to this than what I observed
today at the Transport landing pad?"
"It's" Catherine stumbled over her
words, "It's nothing. He needs some time to rest and to grieve."
"That's why he went away for a month. His daughter is
coming home to him tomorrow. He should be getting ready for that."
Catherine again could not meet Quatre's eyes, "I thinkI
meanI know he is, but"
"But what?"
"But he still needs some time to work through his grief."
Quatre raised his voice, "Time? We all need time, but
Grace's time is tomorrow. You can't look me in the eye and tell me what's
wrong with him, so I'd rather go and talk to him myself."
"Is there something wrong out here?"
Catherine and Quatre turned to the sound of Wufei's voice,
who stood in the doorway of the bedroom he shared with Quatre. "I
heard raised voices, is there something wrong?"
"No, 'Fei." Quatre eyed Catherine warily, "I'm
going now to see Trowa."
The tall older woman turned to him again, "Please, Quatre,
just let him be."
"I can't, Cathie. You know it as well as I do."
He replied quietly.
"Wufei, please, tell him." Catherine pleaded. "Make
Quatre understand he cannot bother Trowa right now."
Wufei smiled at her, "Let them be, Cathie. He wants
to talk to Trowa. There's a little girl's future at stake here and if
he hasn't yet, then Trowa needs to face up to the responsibility. There
is no harm in talking."
Tears shined in Catherine's eyes as Wufei pulled her away
in the direction of the stairs. The two men made eye contact for a brief
moment, Wufei silently signalling Quatre to go and speak to his best friend.
The shorter man just stared, torn between Catherine's words
and his own feelings on the situation. He let out a weary sigh and turned
to go to the room where his best friend resided.
*****
Catherine
let out a sob as she fell down onto the couch in the small Peacecraft
Library. Hearing the commotion from a nearby room, Relena came rushing
in to see her older friend and Wufei on the couch, Wufei's arm around
Catherine's shoulder.
"Gods! What's happened?" Relena said, sitting down
on the seat next to Catherine and pulling her into an embrace.
Wufei looked down at the ground, "Quatre is going to
see Trowa and Cathie doesn't want him to."
"No, no, it's more than that." Catherine said through
her tears, "It's Trowa. I couldn't bring myself to tell Quatre what's
wrong with him."
Relena pulled away, "What is it, Cathie. Tell us. What's
wrong with Trowa? Otherwise we can't help."
Again, the doors to the library burst open and in strode
Heero. "Christ, I heard sobbing. What's going on?"
Relena glared at Heero, "It's alright now, just go back
to what you were doing."
Catherine looked up and stared, "No, Heero, stay, you
should hear this too."
Heero took a seat on the couch opposite of them and Catherine
began her story.
"He came home a month ago. I expected him to do what
he needed to do with Ania's things and then we'd prepare a space for Grace.
I also needed some help with the circus and he agreed to do so during
the last two weeks before we came back here. The first few days, he appeared
fine, talking to Quatre on the vidphone about Grace's improvements. Then
he began the arduous task of putting away all of Ania's things. After
one day, I couldn't get him out of his room. He slept all day, he didn't
eat, he didn't shower, he stayed in there. When I finally coaxed him out
the next morning, he looked as though he had crieda lot. Ania's
things were everywhere and not packed away like he intended to. Even those
things in the box he'd brought from here were scattered all over the place."
Catherine took a deep breath, trying to calm her tears before continuing.
"Trowa steadily grew worse, drinking, eating and sleeping
very little, never cleaning himself up and never fulfilling the tasks
he'd come home to do. I kept telling him to call Quatre and he'd make
excuses. So I'd call, and make Trowa's excuses, never letting on about
Trowa's crippling depression. The only thing I could finally get him to
do was get ready to come here and even that took effort. I had to pack
his clothes for him. Now he's holed himself up and isn't speaking to anybody.
And I'm sorry, I didn't want Quatre to see him this way." Catherine
burst into another round of sobbing, "I'm afraid for the little girl
who's coming home tomorrow. I'm afraid Trowa won't give a damn about being
a father to her, because he's too wrapped up in his own grief. I don't
know if he realizes she's his last connection to Ania."
"Gods." A shiver went up Wufei's spine. "None
of us had any idea. We were worried, and knew he wasn't well, but not
how bad."
"We can't let him go home like this, Catherine, not
with Grace." Relena said, hugging her friend again. "Even as
strong as she has grown in the last two months, she's still a very fragile
infant."
"But I don't want him to stay!"
"He needs help." Three pairs of eyes turned
to look at Heero. "It's more than just for Grace. Trowa needs help."
"No, Heero, he can't know." Catherine cried out,
"It's bad enough that Quatre has to go see him this way, but he can't
know that I've told the rest of you. We'll go get Grace tomorrow and then
we'll go home on Thursday. I can take care of him. He'll be fine!"
"No, Cathie," Wufei said, shaking his head, "He's
never going to pull himself out of this depression if he thinks nobody
knows about it."
The fear returned to Catherine's eyes, "No! I know what's
best for him. You have to let him be!"
"I suggest that we see what Quatre has to say about
it before we approach Trowa." Heero said, casually. "We've all
been friends for years but it's Quatre who knows him best."
Through her tears, Catherine tried to protest again, but
Heero continued over her, "Something has to be done. He's going to
take responsibility for himself, his life, and his child and it will start
tonight."
The door opened again, and the Yuy's housekeeper, Megan came
into the room, "Sorry to bother you, Mr. Yuy, but Mr. Maxwell is
on the vidphone and asks to speak to you. He says it's quite urgent."
"Thanks, Megan." Heero got up and turned to the
three people sitting on the couch in front of him, "You'll be alright,
Cathie?"
Wufei nodded, "Go see what that old bag wants, we'll
look after her."
Heero nodded and left the room.
*****
His heart
pounding with fear and worry, Quatre put his fist to the wooden door and
knocked softly. He waited a moment. Hearing nothing, he knocked again,
this time harder.
He sighed, "Trowa, it's me, let me in please."
A voice came from the room this time, "Go away, I don't want to see
anybody right now."
"Trowa, I'm coming in whether you like it or not, even if I have
to get Heero to break the door down." Quatre firmly warned, "So,
it's probably better to let me in."
The quiet empty voice came again through the door, "Nobody's stopping
you. It isn't locked."
Quatre tentatively grabbed the handle and opened the door. A shiver of
dread he'd never felt before coursed it's way through his body as he saw
into the room. Trowa had pulled a large comfortable chair across the room
and put it in front of the window. Next to the bed sat a bottle of dark
cloudy alcohol, with a glass next to it. In the chair, Trowa sat, still
looking the same as he did earlier, when he'd been picked up from the
transport pad, holding a half empty glass of said alcohol in his hand.
"Trowa?"
"What?"
"What's happened to you?"
"I'm fine."
Quatre sat down on the edge of the bed, "No, you're not. Have you
looked at yourself in the mirror lately."
"Don't need to."
"Trowa, stop it." Quatre said in anger, "You look terrible,
you smell terrible, you're drinking, Cathie's worried sick about you,
I'm frightened just being in here with you, you won't talk, your eyes
are so red it appears you've either not slept or have cried a lot recently
and you're telling me that you're fine?"
"Yes."
Another surge of rage pulsed through Quatre's small frame, and he raised
his voice, louder than what he'd done when he spoke to Catherine, "What's
happened to you, Trowa? You were different when you left. I thought we
were friends, best friends, and now you've gone and closed yourself up
to everybody around you, including me. Why won't you talk to me?"
"Look, I've been a little sick lately, okay? Is that sufficient?"
Trowa said, a touch of sorrow in his voice.
"No, it's not." Quatre took note of the change in Trowa's tone
and got up off the bed to kneel next to the chair. The tears in the emerald
green eyes were clearly visible, "You miss her, don't you?
Trowa blinked, but one small tear managed to escape, trinkling silently
down the brown cheek, "More than anything."
"Is that it then? Is that why you've changed?" Quatre pleaded.
"I don't know if I remember how to live without her." His hand
came up to wipe away the tears somehow escaping his eyes. "I can't
seem to get beyond the fact that she isn't coming back, that she's really
gone."
"Trowa" Quatre faultered a bit before the right words
came to him. "Trowa, we all miss her so much. It isn't fair that
she had to go when the rest of us were never allowed to die even when
we cried for the release. But she is, and she'll always be with us in
spirit and in her daughter's eyes. You don't ever have to stop loving
her, but you have to let go, Trowa or you won't be able to be a father
to your daughter or move on with your life. Grace needs you a lot more
right now."
Trowa stood up and threw the small glass against the far wall where it
shattered with a loud crash, "I don't want to let her go, Quatre!
Now you see why I don't want anybody around me?! I've been listening to
this garbage from Cathie for the last four weeks! None of you get it!"
~I
feel just like I'm sinking and I claw for solid ground...~
Quatre pushed
himself up and away from the chair in a fit of rage and screamed louder
than he'd ever done before, "Don't get it?! She was my last sister
who cared at all about me and now she's gone, just like Iria before her.
Don't you dare say I don't get it!
"Maybe the Gods are laughing at us, Trowa. We were all
in the wars, all of us. You, me, Heero, Wufei, and Duoeven
Relena and Hilde, ALL of us. And all of us came close to death
so many times. I still hear in my dreams every single night the soft click
of the self-destruct button and I wait and wait for the whole world to
go up in fire and smoke but it never happens.
"I nearly killed you, Trowa, and I nearly killed Heero
when the Zero System drove me insane. How many times did Heero
put that gun to Relena's head? Remember when Duo shot Heero and when Hilde
nearly gave her life trying to get information to us on Peacemillion?
They are moments forged in my mind forever and I will never forget
them. But we all survived, somehow, we all survived. And I don't think
it's fair that we survive the horrors of that war to come home and watch
the people we love die. I loved her too, Trowa, and I miss her too. But
I realized that I can't live my life wallowing in self pity and hoping
for something that isn't going to happen."
"Shut up, Quatre." Trowa said through clenched teeth.
"No, I'm not going to."
"SHUT UP, QUATRE!!"
"I'm not going to sit by and watch you waste away!" Quatre vehemently
shouted, "You're not the only one who's hurting so stop acting like
the world owes you something, because it doesn't! We should be helping
each other work through this, not hiding away!"
Trowa turned to face his best friend, opening his mouth to say something
else in anger, but stopped and fell to the floor in a heap, burying his
head in his hands, "I"
"Can't what, Trowa, can't what?" Quatre said, in a quieter tone,
dropping to his knees and putting a comforting hand on his friend's shoulder.
"Tell me what's wrong. What can't you do?"
"I can't bring her home tomorrow." Trowa said, his voice muffled
by his hands, "I can't take care of her. I can't do it without Ania."
"Can't? Or don't want to?"
"I don't know." And then Trowa sobbed, letting weeks worth of
pent up emotion out. "I'm scared."
~I'm
pulled down by the undertow,~
~I never thought I could feel so low...~
"But
you're not alone, Trowa." Quatre reached around and held the taller
man's sobbing body. "You are not alone. You have me and your sister
and Heero and Duo and their families. All you have to is ask for help
if you need it. And you do, Trowa, you need help."
He did not respond, but continued to sob, as Quatre held and rocked him
back and forth.
"You should never have tried to do this alone. You should have said
yes when your sister offered to help you." Quatre said gently, "And
we're not going to let you go home, not like this, not until we think
you are ready."
"Ican't.."
"Can't what, Tro? What is it now?"
"Catherine doesn't want me to stay here anymore than I have to."
Trowa said, his sobbing quieter now.
"But what do you want?"
"I don't know, Quatre. I want to be close to Ania." With Quatre's
help, Trowa got to his feet and wiped his tears away, "I'm still
scared, Quatre, even with all your postive words, I just don't think I'll
be able to do this. I have to go home eventually, and I'll be alone again."
~Oh
darkness I feel like letting go...~
"We're
not going to leave you alone, Trowa. I'll talk things through with Cathie,
okay?" Quatre said, "Now go take a shower and rest for the evening.
If you need anything"
Trowa just moved away and disappeared into the bathroom,
leaving the shorter man staring after him.
Quatre eased down onto the bed with a sigh, nervously running
his fingers through his white/blond hair. A knock sounded at the door.
He looked up and said, "Come in."
"What's going on? Did you get a chance to talk to him."
Heero asked, closing the door softly behind him.
"Yes, mostly." Quatre said, "He's still grieving
about Ania's death, which is fair enough, but he's refusing to ask for
help and keeping it all to himself. He's so worked up about Grace coming
home tomorrow, that he's positive he's going to fail."
Heero looked down at his hands and sighed, then quickly relayed
the story Catherine told him not much before, "I realize that we're
all concerned about him, but instincts are telling me he needs to stay
here and not go home with Cathie."
"When are they going home?"
"Cathie said Thursday afternoon." Heero replied,
"I'm going to try and arrange for them to stay longer, but I'm not
sure if Cathie will go for that, especially with the circus."
Quatre shook his head, "Cathie can go, but Trowa will
stay here."
"Nah, Cathie won't let him stay here alone again. So
it's all or nothing."
"Trowa said the same thing, but I'm going to continue
to push for it. He should decide for himself what he wants to do."
Heero turned around to leave, "Stay with him, Quat.
He's unstable right now. His emotions are controlling him. He's angry
at himself and the world and he can't rationalize the situation properly.
These next four days are crucial for setting up Trowa's future with Grace."
"I'm worried, Heero."
"We all are." Heero opened the door, "Oh,
by the way, Duo called. He and Hilde had a baby boy a half an hour ago.
Quatre smiled and the door clicked, signalling Heero's departure.
He called the Yuy's housekeeper and requested her to come and clean up
the mess of broken glass Trowa left on the floor.
Quatre gave the room a glance, waited a few more minutes
and then left the room himself.
*****
The warm
water trickled down Trowa's lean body as he stood under the shower. He
couldn't remember the last time he'd bathed as he'd spent so many days
of the last few weeks in a drunken stupor.
Thoughts pooled in his mind like the water pooling at his feet, Catherine's
pleading for him to pull himself together, pacifist Quatre's unhinged
anger, and the distance from Heero and Wufei. Even Duo stopped calling
in and checking up on him. He couldn't understand why he could not ask
for help, when he knew he needed it. He slammed his fist against the wall,
and another round of tears tried to force through to mix with the hot
soapy water, but he blinked them back, putting the walls over his emotions
again.
~But
all of the strength and all of the courage,~
~Couldn't lift me from this place...~
He slicked
the last of the shampoo out of his hair and turned the water off, feeling
a cool breeze from the fan brush over his bare skin. Trowa shivered and
used the towel, trying to brush away the goose bumps suddenly appearing.
Standing in front of the mirror, towel around his hips, he wiped away
the steam and stared at himself. He could only imagine what the others
were thinking of him right now. Not that he cared, but he wondered.
"Quatre's wrong." Trowa said to his reflection in the mirror,
"The world does owe me something. The world owes me my life, my Angel,
and everything that has ever been taken from me."
He pulled the hair gel out of his overnight bag and carefully applied
it, setting each strand into the hairstyle he always wore. When he'd finished,
he looked like the Trowa everyone knew and loved, but he didn't feel it.
Trowa opened the bathroom door and peaked out, into the now deserted room.
They'd left him alone. He went to his suitcase and pulled out some clean
clothes, almost glad Cathie packed for him, rather than allowing him to
do it himself. He wasn't sure what he would have brought if left to his
own devices. As he riffled through his clothing looking for a pair of
socks, Trowa came across his picture of Ania he always carried with him.
They looked beautiful together in the photo, holding each other close
and smiling like they hadn't a care in the world. At the time, they didn't.
He missed that, like he missed everything else about her.
"Ania?" He said to the photo and then looked up at the room
surrounding him, "Are you with me?"
No response came, but he wasn't expecting one.
"I don't think I can bring her home tomorrow, Angel." Trowa
said, speaking to the photo. "I couldn't do justice as a Father,
not without you to make sure I am doing everything right. I haven't done
anything right so far. Quatre and Cathie both told me that."
~I
know I can love you much better than this.~
~I fall from grace...~
Still Ania
smiled at him from her photo, her small face and body unchanging.
A tear dropped onto glass, distorting the image looking back at him. "I
have to wonder if she'd be better off living here with Quatre and Relena.
It's so perfect here. And safe, even I feel safe here."
~It's
better this way, I said, having seen this place before.~
Trowa
set the photo down on the side of the bed he did not occupy and drifted
off into a deep, dreamless sleep. His first in weeks.
An hour later, Quatre peaked in on Trowa and found him sleeping
peacefully. He carefully covered him with a spare blanket, smiling at
the photo on the pillow next to Trowa's.
"We all miss you, Ania." Quatre said, and closed
the door softly behind him, exiting to his own room and bed.
*****
The
alarm went off and an obnoxious Radio DJ came blaring out of the small
clock radio sitting next to her head, jolting Relena out of her peaceful
dreams and sleep, "Damn you, Heero Yuy, don't turn the alarm volume
up."
She rolled over to the empty space on the other side of the
bed, "And of course, you're up long before the alarm goes off."
She got out of bed and put her bathrobe on, padding silently
across the carpet in her bare feet to the door that adjoined the room
next to hers. Satisfied her son had not been awakened by the alarm, she
shut the door and went to the bathroom.
"Could you please not turn the volume up on the alarm.
One of these days you are going to wake up Thomas, not to mention give
me a heart attack." Relena said, grabbing her toothbrush and the
toothpaste from the counter next the sink where her husband stood.
Heero grinned at her from under the shaving cream that covered
the lower half of his face, "I'm sorry about that. I had to make
sure I got up on time this morning."
"So you set the alarm and then get up before it goes
off and forget to turn it off so as not to wake me or your son up."
Relena elbowed him in the ribs and smiled, before putting her toothbrush
in her mouth. "Good one, Heero."
The two of them stood there in comfortable silence, each
doing a different morning ritual, reveling in the closeness they shared.
Relena spit out the last of her toothpaste and wiped her mouth, "What
are doing up so early? We don't have to be at the hospital until
11."
"Wufei and I were called to a conference this morning.
I found out after you went to bed last night. It appears your brother
and his wife forgot to mention it to the security team when they booked
it." Heero said, running his hands under the water to rinse off any
remaining shave cream. "We'll be out for most of the day."
"What?" Relena turned and stared at her husband,
following him as he walked into the bedroom. "You're joking? You
both are supposed to come to the hospital with me and Quatre.
He put a white shirt on and buttoned it up, "Sorry,
Honey. Call your brother up and yell at him. But you will be fine today
and we'll be home as soon as we can leave."
Relena lay down on the bed and pulled her covers over her
small thin body, "I wanted you there for moral support."
"Trowa has you, Quatre, and Catherine. He doesn't need
me there as well."
"For me, Heero, not Trowa."
Heero smiled at her and bent over and kissed her, "You'll
be fine, Relena."
"Bye, Heero." She said and snuggled down into her
covers, willing her body to rest a bit longer before her son woke up.
"Don't wake up Thomas."
*****
Meanwhile,
on the other side of the large house, Quatre and Wufei were having an
argument of their own.
"Wufei, you promised you'd be there today!"
"I'm sorry, Quat, things came up at the last minute.
I have to be there today, it's my job, even when I have more important
things I'd rather be doing." Wufei tightened his tie and put on a
black suit jacket.
"I know, but it's Trowa and I'm really frightened about
going in there alone with him and not having you to see when I come out."
Quatre flopped back against his pillows, the ivory skin of his bare chest
and white/blonde hair a stark contrast to the midnight blue satin sheets.
The short Chinese man sat down on the edge of the bed and
took Quatre's hands into his own, "I know you're scared. We all are.
Gods, how many times have I said that in the last 12 hours? But trust
yourself. Cathie and Relena will be there and I'm only a phone call away."
"Yes, I know, but only in an emergency."
Wufei leaned over and kissed Quatre's forehead, "Relena
will look after Grace and make sure Trowa gets everything he needs for
her. Don't worry."
Quatre let out a long, exasperated sigh, "Okay."
"Good luck and I love you."
"Thanks and I love you, too." Quatre sighed again
as the door closed behind his partner.
*****
Outside,
Heero waited, watching Wufei silently close the large double doors to
the house and jog swiftly toward him. Both were wearing their matching
dark work suits.
"Does he suspect anything?" Heero asked.
"Not a thing. What about Relena?"
"Annoyed, but unaware."
Wufei smirked, "This is probably the least craziest
idea you've had in all the years I've known you, Heero Yuy, but I feel
worse about getting caught now than I did when we were in the wars."
"Probably because Relena and Quatre could do worse things
to us than a Mobile Doll could." Heero replied, climbing into
the driver's side of the deep purple Range Rover. "How much time
do we have?"
"Pagan's taking them down to the hospital at 11 am."
Wufei looked at his watch. "I suspect they'll be gone around an hour
and the stores open at 9."
"Well, that's three hours until the shops open, so lets
go get some breakfast."
Wufei nodded and the vehicle pulled out of the driveway.
*****
Relena knocked
and the door swung open, revealing a clean shaven, fresh smelling Quatre
dressed in dark slacks and a white shirt, a light jacket hanging over
one arm.
The two of them stared at each other for a few moments, sharing a look
of muted dread and knowing exactly what the other thought.
Quatre held out his hand and Relena took it giving it a gentle squeeze
of encouragement, "It'll be okay, Quat, I know it will. Let's go
get Trowa. Cathie's waiting for us downstairs."
As if on cue, the door down near the end of hall opened and Trowa stepped
out, looking completely different than the prior day when he'd stepped
off the space transport. His clothes were clean and pressed, he had shaved
the weeks of stubble off, and his hair had been carefully gel styled into
what Trowa liked best, hanging down and covering half of his face. Above
all, he radiated calm and slight confidence.
Quatre stared, mouth open, unable to say any words to express his awe
and confusion at the 180 degree change in his best friend. But for now,
he contented himself to let it pass because he, along with the two women,
were anxious to get to the hospital and bring home the little girl whose
mother's death had turned their lives upside down.
Relena stood off to one side as the two men eyed each other up. When the
silence became too unbearable, she said, "Come on, guys, Cathie is
waiting for us downstairs and I think I can hear the car out in the front
of the house."
Following her lead, the three of them descended the stairs. Catherine
looked up and smiled, her smile growing when she noticed the positive
state of her brother. "Trowa! You look wonderful."
She went up to him and threw her arms around him, his own going protectively
and somewhat automatically around her. After a moment, she stood back
and smiled at him again, "Are you ready?"
Trowa nodded and looked imploringly at Quatre. Quatre understood. "Girls,
why don't you go out to the car. I'd like to have a word alone with Trowa
before we go."
Relena handed Catherine her jacket, "Sure, Quat." And the door
opened and closed leaving the two men in heavy silence.
"Trowa, it's"
"It's fake."
A puzzled look crossed Quatre's face, "What is?"
"The confidence. The calm. It's all fake."
"Why?"
Trowa could no longer meet Quatre's eyes, "Because I'm more afraid
than ever to go in there today. But I have to do it for her, because it's
her daughter too."
"What are you going to do then."
"I don't know."
Anger briefly flashed in Quatre's aquamarine eyes, "Have you given
this any thought at all."
"I've thought about nothing else." Trowa's blank look turned
to pleading. "Can we just go, Quatre, and get this over with. Agonizing
about it here won't change the way that either of us feel."
~Where
everything we say and do hurts us all the more...~
"Promise
me one thing then, Tro."
"What?"
"Promise me you'll let us try to help you and that you'll
stay here with me if you don't think you can do it alone, regardless of
what Cathie says or wants for you." Trowa did not respond right away
to Quatre's strong words. "Please, Trowa, please promise me."
"II promise" Trowa stammered out, cautious
about saying the important words.
The insincere and forced words frightened Quatre to much,
but concerned for Grace, he hesitated before saying anything further.
"Now lets go."
*****
"Mr.
Barton!! Mr. Winner!!" A voice exclaimed from the front desk of the
infant care unit. "Some of the nurses on staff told me Grace is going
home today and I came up to say good-bye!"
"Hi, Bec." Trowa gave a polite smile to Rebecca,
the nurse who took care of Grace during her month and a half stay in the
NeoNatal ICU.
"These are my favourite days, seeing the infants go
home with their families." Rebecca took his hands and turned him
to face his companions. "This must be your family."
"This is Catherine Bloom, my sister and Relena Yuy,
one of my best friends."
Rebecca smiled, "It's wonderful to meet all of you.
How are you, Mr. Winner? We missed you yesterday."
Quatre grinned from ear to ear, "Excited and nervous.
I apologize for yesterday, we had to get Trowa and Cathie from the transport
and make some arrangements at home for Grace."
"Well, then, come on." Rebecca said, leading Trowa
away. "I know Amanda has your paperwork ready and there are a few
things we'd like to give you on behalf of the staff."
Quatre looked at Catherine and Relena. Relena smiled, "Go
on. We'll be waiting out here, beyond the doors to the unit."
He took a deep breath and turned to follow Trowa and the
brunette nurse to the rooms beyond, faintly listening to the chattering
of Rebecca.
When the doors finally swung closed behind the three adults,
the talking started. Nurses from all over the infant care unit and the
NeoNatal ICU were there to offer the Father and Uncle congratulations
on the well being of the infant girl they'd come to take home.
Trowa filled out the forms with Quatre's help, signing where
he needed to, giving the hospital parental permission to release the child.
They were given many gifts, mostly baskets of baby gear as well as free
samples of different baby formula, bottles, pacifiers, baby blankets,
and different outfits and pyjamas from the nurses.
"Quatre? Trowa?"
The two men turned around and met the face of their long
time friend, Dr. Sally Po, the doctor who'd taken care of Ania during
her pregnancy and subsequent death from the brain tumour, as well as Grace's
delivery via emergency c-section.
The blonde man hugged the pretty doctor, "Gods, Sally,
it's wonderful to see you!"
"I know. I was called away on duty for the Preventers
a couple of days after Grace's birth, but snagged some leave to come here
today." Sally said. "Amanda and Rebecca let me know Grace's
release date and I booked in. I wanted it to be a surprise for both of
you."
"Well, it is, Sally, it is."
Sally looked at Trowa. "Everything okay there, Tro.
You look frightened."
The corners of Trowa's thin mouth turned up in a small smile,
"I'm a little nervous, that's all."
"Shouldn't you be handing out cigars?"
"I'm sorry?"
"Don't worry about it, Tro. It's probably scary enough
for you as it is." Sally frowned, seeing the pain deeply embedded
in Trowa's face, and turned to Quatre. "Oh, here. I've brought a
gift. Amanda told me Grace has taken a liking to this particular brand
of formula. Thought you might like to stock up before the kid eats you
out of house and home."
Quatre laughed as she placed another gift in his hands, "I'm
glad we brought the girls with us or we wouldn't get out to the car!"
"The girls are here?"
He nodded, "Yeah, Relena and Catherine are out in the
waiting room waiting for us."
"Oh, great!" Sally exclaimed, "I'll just grab
this box of things and take it out to them. I want to say hi."
A hush fell over the room and Quatre noticed Trowa stiffen
slightly, a brief moment of fear clouding his emerald green eyes. Amanda,
the Nursing supervisor, held in her arms a carefully wrapped bundle, the
infant daughter of Trowa Barton.
Sally leaned over to Trowa. "Good luck." She whispered
and disappeared out the doors to the adjoining waiting room.
Amanda smiled, "She's grown so big since her birth,
you might not even recognize her."
The nurse moved to put the baby in his arms, but Trowa balked,
throwing up his hands in silent protest, "No, I can't. Quatre, you
do it."
But Quatre closed his eyes and gently shook his head, "No,
Trowa, this is your moment and I won't take it from you."
"It's alright, Mr. Barton, she won't break if you hold
her." Amanda said, smiling. She moved forward again, and this time
Trowa gave no resistance, allowing the short, dark haired nursing supervisor
to put the baby in his arms. "Just make sure you support her head.
She's grown, but she still needs some help."
He gazed into her tiny peaceful face, a wave of warmth washing
over him, feeling Ania's presence, sharing the moment with him, "Is
she okay?"
"She's perfectly fine, Mr. Barton. The pediatricians
did all the tests they could think of. She'll need some other ones when
she's older but she is healthy as a clam." Amanda stepped away from
Trowa, "You can take her home now."
Quatre, standing close, looked at Trowa, "Are you okay?"
"She's here, isn't she?"
"Who?"
"Angel."
Breathing out a sigh of carefully guarded relief, Quatre
replied, "Yes, Tro, I think she is."
"Are we ready to go home now?" Trowa asked, his
eyes not moving from the girl he held in his arms.
Quatre looked at the smiling nurses, some of them shiny with
tears, "I think that's our cue. We thank all of you for everything
you've done. We couldn't have gotten through this without you."
There were chorus's of well wishes and the small group left,
Quatre leading the way with a box of the gifts, followed by Trowa holding
Grace, and Rebecca, the ICU nurse bringing up the rear with the remaining
box of supplies and gifts.
Outside in the waiting room, Catherine and Relena were chatting
with Sally. The three women turned to see the small procession come through
the swinging door, Catherine's face lighting up with absolute joy at the
sight of her brother holding his daughter. "You okay, Tro?"
She asked.
"Yes." He whispered, "Let's go home."
With daughter in arms, Trowa turned and walked towards the
hospital exit, without saying good bye. Sally frowned at her friends.
"Is he okay?"
Quatre looked sadly at the pretty doctor, "No, he's
depressed."
"Has he seen a doctor?"
"No. He's refusing to ask for help."
"Poor thing." Sally looked at Relena, "Why
doesn't he stay with you for a few weeks until he's comfortable in his
new role?"
Before Relena could answer, Catherine broke in, "Trowa's
coming home. He'll be better if he's in his own home."
Sally's expression darkened with scepticism, but she did
not reply.
Quatre's aquamarine eyes turned icy cold with, "Cathie,
let him stay. He'll be better off here among those who understand what
he's going through."
"You mean, you can understand exactly what Trowa's going
through better than I can?" Catherine fired back.
"That's not what I mean"
"What do you mean, then, Quatre?" Catherine
narrowed her eyes at him, "He's my brother, I think I know him."
Relena stepped between them, "Guys, let's go. We're
all on edge right now. We can discuss this when we get home."
Quatre just turned away. Catherine made like she wanted to
say something further, but closed her mouth and smiled again at Sally
and Rebecca.
"Sally, I'm sorry, we'd better go." Relena reached
out to hug her, "I'll call you later on this evening and we can go
out for coffee."
"That'd be great." Sally replied, buttoning up
her light summer jacket, "I'll see you then."
Thanking Rebecca and saying their good-byes to Sally, the
group left the hospital.
*****
"SURPRISE!!"
A small number of voices rang out as the front doors to the big house
opened to allow in the outside air, four adults, and a baby.
Relena's eyes went wide, "Heero? Wufei? What happened
to your meeting?"
Heero grinned, "Well, we can't plan a surprise without
a good cover story, can we?"
Quatre put his arm around his partner's waist and kissed
his cheek, "Well, what is it?"
"It's for Trowa." Heero said, walking over to his
tall friend, and smiling. "It's upstairs."
Wufei winked at Heero and whispered something to Quatre before
disappearing down the hall towards the office Heero and Relena shared.
Catherine looked puzzled, "Where's Wufei going?"
& quot;He's going to make a phone call." Heero said,
"You ready for the surprise, Tro?"
Trowa, who looked positively overwhelmed in his emotionally
weakened state, simply nodded. "Quatre? Will you take Grace?"
Quatre smiled, taking Grace, snuggled in her small carseat.
"You bet."
"Come on." Heero said, and led the way upstairs
and down the hall to the room adjoining Trowa's smaller one. Opening the
door, a gasp of surprise came from Trowa's mouth.
"Heero." He breathed out, "You didn't."
Inside, the small room had been set up to accommodate their
new small guest. Heero and Wufei went out that morning and purchased a
bassinette, a small changing table and matching dresser, and a rocking
chair. There were also infant diapers, stuffed toys, and some other small
things, Relena recognized, formerly belonging to Thomas.
"I don't know what to say." Trowa whispered.
"You don't have to say anything. It's a gift from Wufei
and I. We'd planned to do this ever since we found out when you were arriving
to pick up Grace." Heero smiled again and shrugged, "You deserve
it."
"Does this stuff belong in here?" A voice asked
from the doorway. "Pagan brought it in from the car."
Relena and Catherine, who stood closest to the door, laughed
and each grabbed a box from Wufei.
"It's all the stuff from the hospital. It's yours to
do with what you wish, Tro." The small Arabian handed Trowa back
the baby carrier, "We'll leave you alone now"
"There's actually one more surprise." Eight surprised
pairs of eyes turned towards Wufei. Heero simply smirked. "If you'll
just follow me downstairs."
The Chinese man turned and left the room, followed by Catherine,
Quatre, and Relena, leaving Heero alone with Trowa and Grace.
"You know we expect you to stay for awhile, at least
until you feel strong enough to continue on your own." Heero said,
breaking the moment's silence.
"I can't, Heero." Trowa whispered.
"Can't? Or won't because of what Cathie has said."
"She says I should go home, for Grace's sake."
Trowa said, "It's because"
"I know why, Tro, and it isn't for the right reasons.
Cathie isn't strong enough to give you the kind of help you need."
Heero said, calmly. "She looks after you, but she's not strong enough
to stop you doing horrible things to yourself. Relena told me a few minutes
ago that Sally offered to help you with your depression. Take her up on
it. Stay here, Trowa."
"I'm scared, Heero."
"I know. I can see it in your eyes. You will
stay with us, okay?" Heero stated, a bit more forcefully this time.
Trowa shook his head, anger clouding his emerald eyes. "I
can't, Cathie isn't going to let me. I'll be going home. I want to stay,
but I can't. I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"You can't continue letting her run your life, Trowa.
You know what's best for you and you need to take a stand." With
an angry and worried sigh, Heero turned towards the door. "I can't
help but think you are making a big mistake, but I suppose I should respect
Cathie's decision. Let's go downstairs."
Trowa, holding Grace's baby carrier, said nothing, only following
his Japanese friend down the stairs and into the office which had been
equipped in the previous weeks with a large screen vid phone.
Wufei smiled, "Ready?"
The group nodded and he pressed the hold button, bringing
Junkyard Owner and former Gundam Deathscythe Pilot Duo Maxwell
and his wife, Hilde up onto the screen.
Relena shrieked, "Duo! Hilde!"
Duo laughed, "It's great to be able to talk to you on
such a great occasion, but as you know we have our own happy news."
Hilde leaned over and picked up something from off screen,
"We want you to meet Jason Maxwell. Eight pounds, five ounces born
at 5:21 yesterday afternoon. They let me go home this afternoon after
a zero complication delivery!"
Catherine and Relena each gave a shrill shriek and Hilde
began to chatter on excitedly, giving details about the birth. Duo interrupted,
"What about Trowa?"
Trowa gave an embarrassed smile and reached down and picked
up his own new arrival to show their good friends, "This is Grace
Barton."
Hilde smiled, cuddling Jason close to her, "She's gorgeous,
Trowa. I think she'll have your eyes. Is she healthy?"
"Yes." Was the entire reply.
Hilde looked puzzled, "You keep us updated on her, won't
you, Tro? It'll be a bit before we can get over to your colony for a visit.
Or even take a trip down to earth, but we will, as soon as we can."
Trowa gave a polite smile, but said nothing. After a moment,
he nodded at the screen, picked up the baby carrier, and walked out of
the room.
Duo just stared, "What the hell?"
"Don't, Duo." Heero warned.
"Don't what?"
"Trowa's not well at the moment, and it's best not to
ask any questions until he's worked things out." Heero said.
Duo's puzzled expression matched his wife's, "Okay"
The conversation continued for another fifteen minutes and
then broke up, with Heero disconnecting the vidphone. A heavy silence
filled the room, each person looking at the others, not saying anything.
Quatre moved first, "I'm going to go up and see how
Trowa's doing."
"No!"
His aquamarine eyes turned slowly to look at the owner of
the voice, "What is your problem, Cathie?"
Relena, Heero, and Wufei froze, waiting with baited breath
for Catherine to respond.
She closed her eyes and looked away, "Trowa is my problem,
not yours. I wish you would stop bothering him, leave him alone, and let
him get on with his life. He is going home on Thursday, like I planned,
with his daughter."
"Trowa is not a child."
"What?" Catherine turned and viciously stared at
Wufei.
"Trowa is not a child. He does not need you to make
his decisions for him." Wufei said, a soothing calmness in his voice,
"He has not had the chance to speak for himself, since he arrived.
He has only repeated what you told him, not listening to a suggestion
made by anyone else."
Catherine's anger could not be repressed, "And I suppose
you know what's best for him, Wufei?"
"I don't proclaim to know what is best for him."
Came the reply, "But I do proclaim that it should be Trowa deciding."
"I've looked after him since he arrived at our circus.
He trusts me to decide. Do you all get that? It's something I've always
done for him."
Quatre moved to face her again, "No, you haven't, Cathie.
He survived the wars living on his own decisions and instinct. Trowa grew
up, just like the rest of us. And you have to stop treating him like a
child."
"Look, I know Trowa is sick, and I know coming home
with me will be the best thing for him." Catherine pleaded.
"Yeah, like last time he went home, he became depressed
and nearly didn't come back." Quatre muttered, crossing his arms
over his chest and sitting back down in his chair.
A rage built up in Catherine, and she screamed out, "I
just don't want his life ruined again!"
Relena looked up and stared at her friend with wide frightened
blue eyes, "What are you saying, Catherine?"
"I'm saying every time he comes here, his life ends
up messed up in some way." Having said that, Catherine fell into
a chair, her face in her hands, unable to look at any other face in the
room with her.
Relena's hand flew to her mouth, "I can't believe you'd
say such a thingIs that what you think we do?"
"Relena?"
But the young Princess wasn't listening as she ran out of
the room to the awaiting staircase and her own rooms and safety.
Quatre's new and now well-known anger came back in full force,
and he moved forward, shouting at Catherine in her face, "How dare
you, Catherine, how dare you!! You must have no idea how much you are
destroying his life by the things you say to him! When Ania lived with
him, I have NEVER in my whole life seen him happier and you call
that ruining his life. It is NOBODY'S fault that she died, it happened.
But accusing us of destroying his life because we care is NOT going
to solve this."
"You don't know what you are talking about!" Catherine
screamed, raising her hands and rushing forward as if to claw Quatre's
eyes out, but the ever silent Heero caught her in time, while Wufei rushed
to keep Quatre from doing any harm in return.
Heero's sharp voice echoed in the large room, "That's
enough!"
Wufei had his arms around Quatre, whispering something in
a pale ear, the red color of rage draining from his face, as he was calmed
by his partner.
Turning Catherine to him, but looking at both Quatre and
Catherine, Heero's perfect soldier persona returned, "Both of you
will leave Trowa alone. I will not have him get any sicker because of
the way you two have been carrying on over the last day and a half. I'm
going to talk to Trowa and let him know that he can make his own decision.
Whatever he choses will be influenced by nobody. Do you both understand
me?"
Catherine glared at Heero, eyes shining with unshed tears,
shrugged his hands off her arms, "Trowa and I will be going home
tomorrow. Thank you for your hospitality."
She spun on her heel and left the room, leaving the three
men standing there in with gaping mouths.
Quatre spoke first, "I'm sorry, Heero."
"Don't, Quatre, just leave. Go get some rest and we'll
discuss this tomorrow."
Wufei led him out of the room, leaving Heero fuming and standing
alone.
*****
Not
far down the hall stood Trowa. His own tears shining on his face after
hearing the angry words between his sister and his best friend. And finally
knew his long overdue decision.
*****
He rocked
back and forth, staring out the window at the heavy darkness, remembering
those words spoken earlier by Heero, Quatre, and Catherine. Trowa knew
Heero and Quatre were right about making his own decisions and refusing
to be continually treated like a child. He'd even gone so far as to tell
Catherine he wanted to stay, the boldest thing he'd done in weeks, but
she'd told him no. She'd informed him he needed to go back into a familiar
environment and Grace would need to be settled into her new home, deliberately
leaving out the part about his friends ruining his life. It would only
confuse her to be settled into one place and then have her do it all over
again once Trowa returned home.
Catherine understood he'd be on his way home with her the next day. Trowa
appreciated everything Heero and Wufei had done for him as well as Quatre
and Relena being there at the hospital, but he knew the time had come
to go through with his decision.
He'd done little to unpack those things he'd been given at the hospital
but it didn't matter anymore. In fact the only thing that did matter is
getting out and away from the arguing, from everything.
Grace fussed in her bassinette. Trowa got up from the rocking chair and
looked down at his daughter, but she settled down again and slept peacefully.
He hated the idea of leaving her there, but it was the only think he could
think of. She would be safe and they would stop arguing over who made
the decisions for him.
He went to his room and pulled from the nightstand his picture of Ania
and returned to kneel on the floor near his daughter, "How dare you
leave me." He whispered. "How could you, Angel, when I needed
you here."
One tear and then another dropped onto the glass photo frame, "I
can't keep doing this to myself and to them and ending up ruining our
daughter's life. They love me and yet they have done nothing but fight
about me. No matter how hard I try, I can't block it all out. It haunts
me."
~Its
just that we stayed, too long in the same old sickly skin.~
~I'm pulled down by the undertow, I never thought I can feel so low.~
"I know,
Angel, this is not what you would have wanted for me or for your daughter."
Trowa hugged the picture to his chest. "But I lost myself when I
lost you and nobody has the power to help me find myself again. Not when
they are at odds with each other. If I leave, things will get better for
them and for Grace and perhaps for me. That's what I believe."
~But
oh darkness I feel like letting go...~
Trowa stared
into the bassinette at the life he helped to create, "You'll be okay
here, Grace, I know you will. Your Uncle Quatre will look after you with
the help of Relena and Heero, and you'll grow up with Thomas and you'll
meet Jason and you won't have me around to drag you into the gutters where
I am. Your mom loves you, and I love you, but I refuse to ruin your life
like I have done with my own. I wanted to be able to take care of you
on my own, but I now realize that I can't. It's only going to get worse
before it gets better. I think it might be too late to keep your life
from falling apart, too. Especially with all the arguing going on around
us.
He picked up the picture from where he'd set it down on the floor, "This
is your mom, Grace. Her name is Ania and that's me in the picture with
her. Don't forget us, Grace."
Before his daughter could wake up, Trowa dashed out of the room and into
his own, pulling his half empty suit case from the floor and piling his
things into it. The clock on the nightstand read 1:30 am. Plenty of time
to leave. He grabbed his phone from his overnight bag and called a taxi,
instructing it to pick him up at the end of the driveway to the Peacecraft
Mansion. They'd be there in fifteen minutes.
He went back to his daughter's room, putting the photo on top of the dresser,
"Here, Grace, this is for you. My life here may be over, but yours
doesn't have to be."
~But
all of the strength and all of the courage~
~Couldn't lift me from this place~
He stared
into the bassinette again, suitcase in one hand, another tear dropping
onto and soaking into her pink pyjamas. "I love you, Grace. Good
bye."
~Together
we crumble and stumble and fall,~
~I fall from grace...~
*****
When he heard the incessant pounding and crying, Quatre tried to ignore
it, rolling over and closing his eyes, snuggling closer to Wufei.
"Quatre, let me in." Catherine's voice came through, along with
her fists against the wood of the door, "Something's wrong."
Alarmed, Quatre disentangled himself from the other body in the bed with
him, silently wondering how his partner could sleep through all of the
noise. He threw a bathrobe on over his naked body and opened the door
where Catherine fell into his arms, sobbing hysterically, "He's gone,
Quatre, he's gone!"
A picture of Trowa dead from his own hand flashed through Quatre's mind,
"What? Who?"
"I heard Grace crying and when she didn't stop after about ten minutes,
I got up to check on her." Catherine sobbed, holding out a small
piece of paper to Quatre. "He wasn't in his room, I've checked everywhere!
He's gone! His room is empty! He's left this note with Grace!"
"What's going on?" A groggy Wufei said from the bed.
Quatre turned to his partner, his voice and hands shaking, "Trowa's
left. He's gone."
Wufei's sleep heavy black eyes suddenly became awake, "You're joking?"
Catherine wiped the tears from her face, trying to calm herself, "No,
'Fei, he's really gone."
"Here's the note that he left." Quatre said, wiping away his
own stray tears.
Black eyes scanning the note, Wufei threw off the bed covers, "Gods,
I'm going to get Heero."
Within ten minutes, Heero had a search underway. The hysterical Catherine
staying with Grace, Relena making phone calls, and Heero, Quatre, and
Wufei out in Heero's purple Range Rover. But to no avail. They knew he'd
left earth in a transport to one of the space colonies. And they wouldn't
find him without a deeper more thorough search.
Hours later, sitting around the table drinking coffee, the three ex pilots
mused over the disappearance of their friend.
"He knows the ways of a soldier and of silence." Heero said,
thoughtfully, "If he doesn't want to be found, he won't be. Especially
not by us. The five of us think too much alike, it's how we were trained."
Wufei looked perplexed, "But wouldn't that lead us right to him?"
"No." Heero replied, "he'd go exactly where we wouldn't
look."
"But why would he want to leave, Heero?" Quatre questioned his
wiser friend, "We offered him everything and none of it good enough
for him."
"My guess is that we couldn't give back to him what he wanted most?"
"Ania."
"That's exactly it."
Wufei took a sip of his coffee, "I don't think he understood how
to accept help. He never asked for it during Ania's sickness or after
Grace's birth. I guess it was all too overwhelming for him."
"I would have given anything to help him." Quatre said, "What
are we going to do now?"
Heero thought about this, "You and Catherine are Grace's
closest living relatives so we'll work it out with her tomorrow. I think
she'll allow Grace to live here until Trowa comes back. Her circus must
come first. She can live without Trowa there, but it needs her."
"You are right about that." Came a voice from the door.
They turned to see Catherine in the doorway to the dining room. Wufei
got up and offered her his chair, but she refused.
"Hi, Cathie." Quatre said with caution.
"I just want to apologize for today. I am angry at the world for
everything that has happened up to this point and Trowa got stuck in the
middle. But I didn't mean the things that I said. I'm sorry, Quatre."
Quatre looked at the wood of the table, wringing his hands, "It's
alright, I know we're all angry."
Catherine turned to leave, "I'll be going to bed now, but I wanted
you all to know. I won't mind if Grace stays here most of the time. I'd
like to be able to see her sometimes, but at least I'll know she's in
safe hands until Trowa returns."
She exited the room, leaving Quatre with tears in his eyes. He looked
imploringly at his friends, "What if he doesn't come back?"
Heero shrugged, "We won't think about that right now, okay?"
Quatre gave a sad sigh and Wufei reached over and squeezed his love's
hand. "We'll work it out, Quatre, I promise."
The three men got up and pushed their chairs in, a small piece of paper
with Trowa Barton's handwriting left there with these words:
~I
know I can love you much better than this,~
~So it's better this way.~
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