Title: ENTROPIC
Synopsis: Buffy confronts Spike about his affair. A post-"Entropy" episode fanfic.
Rating: G
Date Written: Wednesday, 02 May, 2002
Author: The Resident Vampyr © 2001-2002.
Note: Entropic is the 18h of a series of post-episode fanfictions based on Buffy, the Vampire Slayer season 6 episodes. I will try to write a short, mostly Spike/Buffy story every week for the entire season. Again, these are pure speculations. I don't read spoilers no early bird review. Let me know what you think.
Credits: Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon and the powers that be.
Music/Lyrics: That particular time by Alanis Morissette
Characters: Buffy Xander Spike


"I don't love you" - Buffy to Spike


Buffy found herself at Xander's apartment, the reason behind her presence was still foggy to her. Perhaps she was there to validate their friendship? Perhaps she wanted to explain herself to her Xander? Whatever it was, Buffy was now ready to face her demons.

"I don't know what's worse," Xander was the first to speak. "Me, not being able to forgive Anya? Or you sleeping with Spike."

Buffy was taken aback with what Xander said. It was the least thing she expected him to say, especially with what had happened. She expected support and understanding. She expected her friends would be able to "deal" with her secret.

"Are you judging me?" said Buffy, questionningly. "You don't even know why I did it? What I've been through."

"I'm your best friend! You could have told me!" That was what bothered him, Buffy not being honest with her friends. He figured that if only she told them about her relationship with Spike, then probably this would've been prevented. Anya could have known. He could easily kept an eye on Spike, o-or drive him out of Sunnydale. He could have done something, anything.

"This isn't about me, Xander."

"The hell it's not!" Xander raised the tone of his voice. "If it hadn't for you, I could've killed Spike a long time ago! Then, t-this would never have happened!"

"You're blaming me?!"

Xander was confused. He was so blinded by the fact that the woman he planned to marry, slept with an evil, disgusting vampire, and he blamed even Buffy with what had happened. He wanted for Anya and him to get back together. How he wished for her. He wished hard. But nothing could bring her back now.

Finally, Xander was able to control his emotion. It was, after all, his friend, Buffy.

"No..." he said calmly, "I'm blaming me...I'm blaming Anya. I'm blaming Spike."

"You're not the only one hurting, Xander," Buffy tried to explain herself.

"Are you saying you have feelings for this... that f-filthy garbage?!" Xander began to raise his voice again.

Buffy just looked at him without saying anything.



***


"I won't hurt you..." Spike's words were still echoing in Buffy's mind.

She was on patrol that night as she strolled at a familiar path of the cemetery, aimless and distraught. Buffy kept having random thoughts about how Spike religiously declared his love for her, how Spike will always be there for her, how Spike will not hurt her.

"I won't hurt you," she mimicked him. "Well, you're doing a good job at it," said Buffy out loud, unawares of her surroundings.

Buffy wanted to know why he did it. Why did he sleep with her friend? Does he hate her that much? Buffy kept walking towards the east end. She finally reached Spike's crypt and decided to confront him.

"Why Spike?"

"Why?" He chuckled. "You're asking me why?" he repeated himself. He was not particularly in the mood to talk about what had happened between him and Anya.

"Does the words 'moving on' mean anything to you?" he continued.

Buffy didn't want to be reminded of what she said earlier. As much as she didn't want to admit it, she was the one who pushed him away. It was her, who ended whatever that was going on between them. Despite this self-acknowledgement, she defended her actions.

"Yes. It means never looking back, not getting back at your friends, and especially not sleeping with a friend's fiancee!" she said indignantly.

"Friends?" he chuckled. "You never were my friends. None of you were!" Spike looked directly at her, no longer doubting his feelings. "To you, I'm just a-a piece of garbage, some filthy dirt!"

"Well, you definitely made that clear last night," said Buffy defiantly.

Her mind was made up. It was the last time she was going to visit him again. Buffy headed towards the crypt's entrance, paused for a second or two, then said her piece.

"I can't believe I trusted you."

Buffy walked out, never looking back.


...my foundation was rocked
...my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
...at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
...at that particular moment I knew not to run away again

...at that particular time love encouraged me to leave
...at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
...at that particular month was harder than you'd believe
...but still I left
...at that particular time



Spike was left all alone in his crypt. It did not turn out the way he planned it. Right before Buffy stepped inside his crypt, he pictured himself falling down on his knees and begging Buffy for forgiveness.


...I've always wanted for you
...what you've wanted for yourself
...and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
...and I kept ignoring the ambivalence you felt
...and in the meantime I lost myself
...in the meantime I lost myself
...I'm sorry I lost myself... I am


He wanted so much to tell Buffy how sorry he was. He wanted to tell Buffy that what happened last night meant nothing to him. Buffy was the one he loved. His only love. But now it was too late.

"You never did, love..." he cried softly.



***


next post-episode#19

Also by The Resident Vampyr™ The Vampyr Pentateuch & Other Stories™. A compilation of Season 5 BtVS post-episode fanfictions. Visit http://www.vampyrslayer.cjb.net for more. Vampire Seasons™ - a compilation of season 6 BtVS post-episode fanfictions @ http://vampireseasons.cjb.net. Mirrored at http://www.fanfiction.net