Disclaimers : I don't own these characters, except for Akira, and I make no money from this, at least none that I know of. Please don't sue me.
Warnings : Shonen-ai, angst, OOC?, and bad grama and spelling (I'm swedish so have mercy on me please).
Notes : There are a few japanese words in there that you all probably know by heart but I'll explain them anyways.
Baka : stupid, here it means idiot
Himitsu : secret (not that it really matters what it means in here)
Writing in Italic are thoughts or that little voice that talks inside your head sometimes (really hoping you all hear that voice sometimes 'cause if you don't I might need to go to the nut farm). //...// = flashbacks, memories. ~...~ = lyrics
The Pains Of Love
Chapter 2
Hiro looked at his best friend and sighed deeply. All that hurt in Shuichi's eyes broke his heart. If he could he would gladly trott over to Yuki Eiri and rip his heart out, if the cold hearted bastard had one, but that would only add more pain to those big eyes infront of him.
"Shu," the auburn-haired man mumbled and reach out to wipe away the tears that slowly ran down smooth cheeks. Bad Luck's vocalist let out a low whimper and more or less fell against his friend's chest. Hiro closed his eyes and damned the day Shuichi had met Yuki. "Sch, calm down Shuichi, please," he begged and slowly tilted up the fragile face.
"I'm sorry Hiro but it just hurts so much," Shuichi sobbed. Hiro drew a deep breath and nodded.
"Maybe you should go and see Yuki?" he suggested quietly.
"Why? What's the point? He doesn't care about me at all and all I do is mess things up for him." The taller man frowned. Neither of that was true and he knew it even though he had himself stated the latter straight to Yuki Eiri's face. The complicated novelist did care but he couldn't show it, not even to his lover and that was what really pissed Hiro off.
"Shu you can't just hide from him forever you know. Sooner or later you will have to deal with him, your feelings and everything around..." The guitarist's voice was soft as his fingers ran through the pink fluff covering the boy-like man's head. "Sooner or later you will have to sing again too." Shuichi jerked away from him with anger in his eyes.
"Sing? Sing! Why should I sing? What good does singing do me?" Hiro smiled softly.
"Some people run when they hurt, some drink, some beat the crap out of others and when you hurt you sing Shu. K fixed us a small gigg at a club next week and I'm asking, no begging you to take it. If not for yourself then for me."
"I don't think I could sing even if I wanted to Hiro," Shuichi mumbled.
"It'll just be you and me, the way it all started. The crowd will be small and I think you need this." With a sigh the pink-haired singer nodded.
"I'll try for you Hiro but I can't promise that I'll be able to sing..."
Yuki sunk back on the couch and stared infront of him. Aka had been talking to him for hours before he finally left, without taking any of Shuichi's things with him. That was several days ago and even though it still felt alarming that a complete stranger knew so much about him it also almost felt good. It was rare but Yuki Eiri had been forced to take a real good look at himself and that had been very scary but it had also given him a glimt of how he worked, or didn't work. At the moment the novelist was utterly confused and his need to understand so grave it almost tore him apart. Aka had calmly told him that he was hurting himself and others by shutting down his emotions because he thought it would keep him in controle and safe. Eiri sighed. There was truth in that even if he really didn't want to realize it. The crimson-haired man had also told him that many of his patients hurt people they loved because sometimes they felt the need to see pain in someone else's eyes.
"Is that why I hurt Shuichi?" the blonde asked out loud. Aka's words came almost as an answer although the man was no longer there.
"I think you were driving Shuichi away just to see if he'd come back to you. You want to test his feelings for you. And when you had done that often enough he'd stay away and then you'd have confirmation that he doesn't love you, that you're not worthy of being loved. But now that you might have succeeded you're not happy are you?" The novelist hadn't answered but inside he knew very well that he wasn't happy at all. He missed Shuichi's laugh, his voice, his touch, his presence and he missed his love. It felt like someone had taken a knife and carved away half his body and mind.
"How did it get like this? When did I start to need him so much?" Yuki asked the room. The dry hollow voice in his head came alive and started whispering to him. You needed him before you even met him Eiri. You needed someone who took care of you, who loved you just as you needed someone to take care of, someone to love. But at the same time you're too scared to open up and let Shuichi in. Why can't you see that he'd never betray you the way your sensei did? How can you even think so little of Shuichi? it mumbled inside of him. For the first time in his life Yuki knew that the voice in his head was really way off track. That wasn't why he couldn't let Shuichi inside his heart.
"Wrong," he sighed. Then why are you insisting on shutting him out and hurting him so much? the voice wondered sounding a little confused. "I... I don't know," the blonde admitted. "I just know that I've caused him so much pain, been the reason for so many tears. I won't do it anymore because I... I..." Can't you even admitt that you love him when you're all alone? the voice muttered. Really Eiri you are too pathetic. What do you think will happen if you say those three little words? Are you expecting the sky to fall down on your head? Is this the way you want you're life to be forever? Do you want to be 60 years old, scarred, defeated and numb by loneliness? Yuki winced at the flash he saw. An old Eiri completely consumed with being unloved and uncapable of giving love.
"Stop it!" he growled. "You're jumping way ahead of time here!" The voice chuckled at him. It's been almost 10 years since that day in New York and you still can't get pass it, what makes you think that 20, 30 or even 40 years will make a diffrence? You don't want to hear this but I'm going to say it anyways... Go find Shuichi and tell him how you feel before it's too late. The voice went silent again and Yuki hugged himself. "It's already too late," he whimpered and damned himself for not being able to cry. Suddenly his mind pulled away to show him a few scens from what probably had lead to Shuichi's decision to leave him.
//"YUKI!" The cheerfull voice shot through the apartment just split seconds before a pink ball of pure energy came launching towards him. Arms were wrapped around his neck and huge eyes look at him with love. With an annoyed snarl Yuki pushed his lover off and sent him crashing down on the floor.
"Baka!" Shuichi stared at him with pain in his beautiful eyes.
"Why are you so mean to me?" Yuki snorted at the question and turned his back at the sobbing man. "Yuki?"
"Shut up Baka! Can't you be quiet for two seconds?" the novelist growled with irritation even though he actually was thrilled to see his lover home so early.
"I don't understand why you always act like this," Shuichi said with hurt. "I was just glad to see you." The pain in that smooth voice was enough to send a guilty stab to the blonde's heart but he had had too many years to perfect his skill of not showing his emotions to faulter.
"There's a lot of things you don't understand Baka! Now get lost!" Why are you doing this Eiri? the dry voice asked but the novelist ignored it.
"But.. but I just got here."
"I said get lost! I don't want you here!" Yuki was screaming inside. Everything he said meant the exact opposite. He glanced over his shoulder in time to see Shuichi get up and give him a look of complete and utter sadness before the fragile man turned around and left.//
Yuki sighed at the memory. It wasn't the first time he had acted that way and it hadn't been the last time either. For some reason he had a twisted need to hurt Shuichi and he didn't understand it nor did he want it to be that way anymore. Another memory called out for his attention and the novelist sighed again as he let his mind wander to an incident a few days after the first one he had seen.
//Shuichi looked at him with hurt, again. Tears formed in the corners of his huge lavender eyes and ran down his cheeks.
"Why Yuki?" The question was asked so quietly Eiri almost didn't hear it.
"Because I don't like you a whole lot right now and I don't need you hanging around me every damn minute! For once could you just shut up and leave me alone?" Yuki snarled with anger in his golden eyes while his inside screamed in regret.
"But I..." the pink-haired singer objected.
"Shuichi get out of here, now!" the novelist screamed and pointed to the door. "If you don't leave I'll throw you out!" Shuichi shivered from the harsh words and left him alone.//
With pain Eiri pushed away that memory too. He had managed to break his lover with all those hard and cruel words.
"Why? Why am I doing this to him?" the blonde asked and rested his face in his hands. Every time he wanted to pull Shuichi into his arms and just tell him how he felt some dark part of his mind and soul took over and did the exact opposite. The phone pulled Yuki from the painfull questions and memories.
"Yes?" he answered slowly.
"Eiri, Aka here," a deep and smooth voice said at the other end. The novelist frowned and gripped the phone tighter.
"What do you want?" Aka chuckled at the flat tone in his voice.
"Was all my talking for deaf ears? Anyways, I just wanted to tell you to come to Club Himitsu tonight."
"Give me one reason why," Yuki snorted. He was tired, annoyed and confused and in no mood what so ever to go to any club.
"Shu is going to sing there tonight and if you don't show up I'll drag you there, understand?!" Akira said harshly making it absolutely clear how serious he was. The novelist sighed.
"What time?"
"Be early I don't think we need Shu to know you're there he has enough problems as it is already. I'll expect you at around 7 pm," Aka mumbled and hung up. Yuki frowned. He wanted to see Shuichi again but he was scared. It wasn't like he had a choice though, Akira was stubborn enough to really show up and drag him there kicking and screaming. With a sigh the novelist got up and glanced at the time. He had about three hours to get ready and head for the club. Slowly the blonde made his way to the bedroom to get dressed.
Hiro looked at his friend and shook his head. Shuichi was trembling and didn't seem to know which foot to stand on. It had been so hard for him to accept that he had to sing again but Hiro thought that the slender man infront of him really needed to do it.
"Shu you have to calm down," he said quietly to his friend.
"I can't Hiro. I don't want to do this anymore, please," Shuichi begged.
"I know that the crowd is a lot bigger than it was supposed to be but if you don't do this you might never be able to preforme again. Is that what you want?" The singer shook his head and lowered his eyes to the floor. Hiro reached out and caressed his friend's hair. He knew why Shuichi was so scared of going on stage again. For the last year he hadn't sung a single song infront of a crowd without Yuki being there. By doing that he would really put an end to their relationship and that scared the fragile man more than anything. "You can sing the song you wrote earlier this week," Hiro suggested. Maybe it would be easier if it was a song that had been written after he split up with the novelist? Maybe it wouldn't make any diffrence at all...
"But we haven't..."
"Shu you know the words by heart just as I know the cords. If you want to do that song we'll do it." The singer nodded slowly.
"Do you have the guitar for it?"
"I brought it just in case," Hiro smiled.
Akira frowned and looked at the time. Almost 9 pm and still no sign of the stubborn novelist.
"Ah wait a minute there he is," the crimson-haired man snickered to himself. "Eiri over here." The blonde came up to him with a sombre look on his face. "You made it even if you are two hours late. Good, good now let's get you in there before they go on stage." Aka grabbed Yuki's arm and lead him into the club and the crowd that filled it to the brink. It had taken the therapist about two second so see how badly the novelist was doing. He might not be able to tell or show anyone that he loved Shuichi but the pain in those golden eyes said it clearly enough at the moment.
"I really shouldn't be here." Aka glanced over his shoulder and rolled his eyes.
"Maybe you shouldn't but I think you need to hear Shu sing. You need to see how he's doing." Whatever it was that Yuki answered, Akira didn't hear it over the roar that rose from the excited crowd. Hiro entered the stage and smiled at them. For a moment he waved to get them to quiet down.
"Thanks for coming everybody! I want to ask you to keep it down tonight, our favourite singer has a bad case of the nerves and if you scare him he'll refuse to sing at all." The crowd clapped and Hiro got their promise. With a smile the auburn-haired man took a seat on a bar-stool and picked up an acoustic guitar. The crowd went completely silent.
By: Atsureki
