Disclaimers : I don't own these characters, except for Akira, and I make no money from this, at least none that I know of? The song "I'm stupid (you're smarter)" is not mine it belongs to Prime Sth and is used without premission *whimpers*. Please don't sue me.

Warnings : Shonen-ai, angst, OOC, and bad grama and spelling (I'm swedish so have mercy on me please).

Writing in Italic are thoughts or that little voice that talks inside your head sometimes (really hoping you all hear that voice sometimes 'cause if you don't I might need to go to the nut farm). //...// = flashbacks, memories. ~...~ = lyrics

The Pains Of Love

Chapter 3

Yuki stared at the sight infront of him and realized that he forgot to breathe. Slowly a fragile form climbed onto the stage and made his way to the microphone. Shuichi looked awful. He was pale, trembling and looked even thinner than he used to. The novelist shuddered. I'm the one who did that to him, he sighed inside. With hesitation Shuichi looked at Hiro who nodded to him.
"We're gonna let you hear our newest song tonight. It's called I'm stupid, you're smarter," the boy-like man said slowly. Even his voice had changed. It was still rich and beautiful but it lacked all its former fire. Yuki stared at his lover, no former lover, and felt a sting of pain in his heart. Hiro had started caressing the strings on his guitar and sad tones filled the otherwise quiet club. Then a sad, almost trembling voice started to sing.

~I'm stupid
You're smarter
I'm stupid thinking there's a way
This could turn out right

I'm dreaming
You woke up
I should have known from the start
That you were never mine

So if I can make you love me
You're out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me
And make you feel something you don't~

The lyrics so easy to hear over the soft sounds of the acoustic guitar floated towards Yuki. Each word held so much pain and sorrow he hardly could believe it was possible. Shuichi's voice was sad but still strong as he moved his eyes over the crowd. He's crying, Eiri realized and had to force himself not to run up to the young man and do something, anything to wipe that hurt away. He knew that Shuichi had wrote those words and he knew what he had been thinking about when he did it. He's wrong, Yuki screamed inside. I have always been and always will be his. I just can't show it and he's never made me feeling anything I didn't already feel. The next eight lines almost broke his heart and he could clearly see that they did the exact same thing to Shuichi.

~I'm crying
Don't pity
I'm dying to just walk away
I'm going to be alright

Cause I'm screaming
You woke up
I'm gonna miss you, but I'm
Going to be alright

So if I can make you love me
You're out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me
If I can make you love me
Then you're not the one here to blame
I will make it on my own
Don't worry about me

I'm stupid
You're smarter
I'm stupid
Thinking there's a way
This could turn out right

So if I can make you love me
You're out of reasons to stay
Make it easy on yourself
And don't worry about me
If I can make you love me
Then you're not the one here to blame
I will make it on my own
Don't worry about me~

The whole club went silent when the last word was sung and Hiro stopped playing. After a moment the crowd went mad. They screamed, roared and begged for another song but Shuichi just turned around and left, his face wet from tears and his body screaming out its regret. There he had done it. He had preformed a song without Yuki being there to hear it and now it was all over. This was the last thing he had had left to cling to but now it was gone too. Shakingly he made it to the room reserved for him and Hiro and sank down on one of the chairs. With a whimper he started crying and wrapped his arms around himself. The song's lyrics said: I'm going to miss you, but I'm gonna be alright, but that wasn't true. Shuichi hid his face in his hands. It didn't matter that he knew that Yuki didn't love him it still hurt so much. The love he carried inside was tearing him apart and he didn't understand why. What kind of love was it that he gave when all he had ever done was stand in Yuki's way, fail him and hurt him? The door opened and Hiro came in. Without a word the taller man pulled the singer into his arms and gently rocked him back and forth.

Akira watched Eiri as Shuichi left the stage. For someone who had spent so many years hiding all his feelings, except those he wanted to show, the novelist's face was extremly open at the moment. The hurt and sadness in his eyes were breathtaking and so were the tears that unknowingly fell down his cheeks. There was no question about how much Yuki loved Shuichi but then that had never really been the problem as far as Aka could tell. No, the problem was whatever the novelist hid in his past, whatever demons he had trapped inside of him. That was what kept him from being honest with his feelings and it was also what forced him to act the way he did.
"Eiri?" he asked softly and placed a big hand on the blonde's shoulder. The novelist didn't answer he just turned his sad golden gaze to the older man and slowly shook his head. "Now do you understand why you needed to see and hear this?"
"Help me Aka, please help me," Eiri begged and twisted his hands seeming completely helpless about his actions and words. "Help me, help Shuichi." Akira smiled slightly and nodded.
"Come, I think it's time you met Shu face to face again." Yuki tried to object but Aka presisted. "You need to look into his face and think about how much it's worth to erase the hurt from it. If you find that it's worth giving in a little and placing a few of your feelings on the line then do it, if not then walk away and continue hiding behind that wall you've spent so much time building up." Akira's voice wasn't kind or soft it was simply honest.

Yuki didn't know what he was doing and he didn't care anymore. For the third time in almost ten years he had cried and he knew all too well that he had a lot of tears left to shed. What he had done was cruel and mean and only time would tell if Shuichi could find it in his heart to forgive him, to give him another chance. Aka lead him through a corridore that would take him to see Shuichi. All too soon they stopped infront of a door and the crimson-haired man knocked on it. After a few moments Hiro opened and stared at the novelist.
"It's okay Hiro," Akira said quietly. "Just take a little walk and I'll try to sort this out." For a moment the auburn-haired guitarist seemed unsure but then he nodded.
"Take care of him Yuki, I don't want to see him hurt like this ever again," Hiro said softly after taking a second glance at the writer's tear-streaked face. Aka stepped aside to allow the other man to exit and then pulled Eiri inside with him. Shuichi was sitting a few feet away from them looking like he was trying to hide from the world by crawling inside of himself.
"It's up to you now Eiri," Akira said slowly before leaving and closing the door behind him. For a moment Yuki just stood there. Shuichi didn't seem to have noticed that he was there and the novelist didn't know what to do. Slowly the singer lifted his face and stared at him. A very long time seemed to pass before Shuichi let out a sufficated scream. That snapped Yuki out of his numbness.
"Shuichi," he whispered and reach out to the petit male infront of him. Another scream was heard before the singer threw himself at the blonde man. Yuki pulled him into his arms, almost pressing the pink-haired singer right through him. "I'm so sorry, I'm so very sorry" the novelist breathed. Shuichi didn't say anything he just wrapped his arms around that body he loved so much and pushed everything else away.

He didn't know how long he had been standing there pressed against Yuki but he knew he had to stop it. If he didn't get away from the blonde novelist he'd fall back into familier patterns and no matter how good it might feel at first he knew neither one of them would be happy. With trembling hands he pushed himself away.
"Why did you come here Yuki?" he asked quietly. The blonde looked at him for a moment.
"What you wrote in your note wasn't true Shuichi," Eiri answered slowly. "I do want you at home and I was happy living with you. But I know I've hurt you more times than anyone should have to stand." The golden eyed man's voice was soft and sounded a little strange. Shuichi looked up and saw the tears that glittered in his former lover's eyes.
"You always said that you didn't want me around... and I know that you don't love me. You don't have to lie anymore Yuki, I'll be fine without you, really I will. Just leave me alone so I can forget you," Shuichi objected and really wished Eiri would go away.
"So you really don't want us to be anymore? It won't make any diffrence what I say, will it?" the blonde asked with hurt. The singer stared at him. Why did Yuki suddenly let him see so many of his feelings? Shuichi found himself getting angry. So the novelist did care about him. All those hard words, every time he had been pushed away had been out of care? The pink-haired man shook his head.
"I don't want the hurt anymore!" he almost screamed. "I don't want to go back to wondering when I'm allowed to come close and when I might be thrown out for showing you the way I feel! You're not happy when we're together and when you're not happy I can't be happy either!" His words hit Yuki like punches.
"Shuichi I'm not happy now, I don't think I've ever felt so miserable as I do when you're not around and I can see that you're not happy either." Shuichi shook his head again. It was very unlike Eiri to say something like that but it didn't matter. If he gave in now things would be the same in a week or two and he couldn't even stand the thought of that.
"So if I come back you'll be happy, happier?" the singer asked with a strange tone in his voice.
"That's all I want Shuichi, that you'll come back to me," Yuki said softly and reached out to him.
"But it's not what I want! For over two years I've been bending over backwards to make you happy but you weren't happy Yuki! I don't want to live like that ever again! It's tearing me apart not to be with you but being with you hurts too. Just go away! I don't ever want to see you again! I just want to forget the day I met you and move on!" The blonde novelist seemed to shrink infront of him. I'm no better than him, the singer cried inside. I'm lying just to hurt him.

Akira looked up in time to see Yuki Eiri walk out of the room and closing the door behind him. His face was shadowed with pain and defeat. For a moment the novelist stood there swaying before he gave the crimson-haired man a confused look and crashed down on the floor.
"Eiri!" Aka yelled and rushed over to him. He got no reply the blonde who was limp and dangerously pale. Quickly the taller man opened the door behind them and looked at Shuichi. "Call an ambulance and be quick about it!" The singer just stared at him and then at the blonde man lying on the floor. Realizing that Shuichi wouldn't be able to do what he asked Aka ran past him and grabbed the phone. His voice was fast and filled with concern as he told the person on the other end what had happened and demanded them to send an abulance as fast as possible. When Akira was sure he had made himself understood he threw the phone down and went back to the unconscious novelist.
"Yuki do you see now... You're better off without me in your life." The low voice made Aka look up. Shuichi was standing next to him and his eyes were sad and lost. "I didn't mean to lie to you and hurt you so much but I don't know what else to do."
"What are you babbling about?!" Akira growled. "HIRO!" he called out after giving Shuichi a long look. The guitarist came running down the corridore and almost fell over when he saw the limp novelist on the floor.
"What happened?" he asked and looked at his friend who was just standing there, crying quietly.
"I don't know. Can you get me a blanket, the ambulance should be here any moment now." Hiro nodded and left again. "Shuichi why didn't you listen to him?" Aka asked softly. "He was trying to tell you how he feels." The singer took a step back and shook his head as if he was trying to deny what he had heard. How could I make such a mistake? Akira asked himself. I was pushing it too far and too fast this time! Damn! 25 years should have taught me better.

By: Atsureki