Disclaimers : I don't own these characters, except for Akira, and I make no money from this, at least none that I know of? Please don't sue me.

Warnings : Shonen-ai, angst, OOC?, and bad grama and spelling (I'm swedish so have mercy on me please).

Writing in Italic are thoughts or that little voice that talks inside your head sometimes (really hoping you all hear that voice sometimes 'cause if you don't I might need to go to the nut farm). //...// = flashbacks, memories.

The Pains Of Love

Chapter 4

He was awake but hadn't opened his eyes yet. It almost felt like his eyelids were glued shut but he didn't care. He remembered what had happened and sighed at the outcome that he had paved the way for for two years. If he only had known what was going to happen, if he only had been a little nicer, a little more open. It really didn't matter how much he wanted to change the past though, it was an opportunity he had allowed to slip through his fingers. After having wallowed in his mistakes for a while he realized that someone was holding his hand. Slender fingers gripped his almost desperatly. Those fingers seemed familier. Yuki slowly opened his eyes expecting to find a pink-haired young man sitting by his side.
"Eiri," a soft voice said and the hold on his hand got tighter. The novelist sighed with disappointment. It wasn't Shuichi who sat beside the bed, it was his brother-in-law.
"Yes Touma." The girl-like blonde smiled slightly at him.
"You really gave us a scare Eiri. For a moment I thought you..." Yuki silenced him with a glare.
"Where's Shuichi?" he asked flatly and met Touma's eyes for a moment before the other man looked away.
"He went home with hm... Narazaki-san."
"Oh," the blonde novelist sighed. So Shuichi really didn't want anything more to do with him.
"Eiri... There's something I need to say to you," Touma said after a while. Not this again, Yuki growled inside. Shuichi is bad for me, he'll only hurt me, he doesn't love me, he'll leave. He really didn't want to hear that again.
"I already know how you feel about Shuichi and I really don't care Touma," Yuki muttered.
"That wasn't what I was about to say. Shindou-san called me after the ambulance had picked you up, he wanted to talk to me," his brother-in-law mumbled. The novelist frowned.
"So?" Touma let go of his hand and sighed deeply.
"Eiri I don't know what's been going on between you two but Shindou-san told me to tell you that he... that he lied to you and that he's sorry it had to end like this." Touma sounded a bit confused. "I suppose he thought you would know what he was refering to?"
"How long have I been here?" Yuki asked with a very strange look in his golden eyes and completely ignored what he just had heard.
"Four days. The doctor said that you hadn't been eating or sleeping enough, that along with a lot of mental stress caused your body to collapse." The novelist snorted. How was he suppose to look after himself when he had made such a mess of everything, when everything was so wrong?
"Isn't this where you tell me that you knew this was going to happen since I insisted on staying with Shuichi?" Yuki asked sharply and glared at the man beside him. Touma gave him a hurt look and shook his head.
"I know what you think about me Eiri and I'm sorry that I've proved that you were right so many times but believe me... I didn't want this to happen to you."
"To me? To me!" Yuki lashed out. "You haven't changed one bit Touma! What about Shuichi?! He's the one this shouldn't have happened to dammit! I could have gone on, probably forever, treating him like shit and you wouldn't even have noticed, you wouldn't even have cared! But I care Touma! Do you hear me?! I care about Shuichi!" The shorter blonde stared at him until Yuki had to look away. Touma wasn't the one he was angry with but he had to yell at somebody. He really should be yelling at himself but that wouldn't have given him as much satisfaction, he just had to see someone else hurt.
"I know you care about him but we both know that your relationship isn't healthy," Touma objected sounding as if he was defending himself.
"You don't have to tell me that! Don't you think I know that Shuichi was unhappy living with me? Don't you think I wish I could take back all the nasty things I've said and done to him? I should have let him go a long time ago but I couldn't! And do you know why? If you don't I'll gladly tell you why Touma! I can't let him go because I love him!" They stared at each other for a long time. One shocked by what he had heard, the other one shocked by what he had said. Yuki slowly closed his eyes and to his surprise he realized that he was crying. There he had said it, said what he hadn't been able to say before and what good did it do him now? It was too late, it was too little too late.

Shuichi took one last look at the apartment that had been his home for almost two years. He really didn't want to leave and he didn't want to be anywhere but by Yuki's side. It was tearing him apart to stay away but he had to. Yuki, he sighed inside, I really wish I could help you. He wanted to hear that voice tell him to shut up or to go away or that he was an annoying little pest, anything no matter what it was as long as he could hear Yuki talk to him again. But he had failed his former lover. Failed to protect him, failed to love him the right way. Yes it had hurt to be pushed away so many times, to be scolded about everything he did but deep down inside Shuichi found himself realizing that there were more behind the novelist's actions then he had understood. As his lover he should have been able to see past the hard shell Yuki put up, he should have understood why the novelist acted so cold. The past that haunted Eiri was the answer to why but somewhere along the way Shuichi had forgotten to remember that. Suddenly the door opened and the singer froze with his back turned to whoever it was that came in. Please don't let it be Yuki, he moaned inside, please don't let it be Yuki, please let it be Yuki. He desperatly wanted it to be Yuki just as he wanted it not to be. Shuichi sighed and turned around.
"I was hoping to find you here," a soft voice said. "Shindou-san why are you doing this?" The singer bit his lip and wished he didn't have to answer.
"Because I have to even though I don't want to. Yuki will be better off without me." The other man shook his head slowly.
"We both know that isn't true. Eiri is devastated that you're leaving him." The vocalist closed his eyes.
"Seguchi-san you of all people should understand this. You've never wanted me to be with Yuki," Shuichi mumbled. The girl-like blonde let out a soft but cold chuckle and then became quiet for a long time.
"Are you leaving because Eiri isn't nice to you?"
"No..." the pink-haired youth answered.
"Then why did you make him think that?" Touma asked, his voice harsh and still so soft. A fair question but Shuichi didn't want to admitt that he had told his former lover that just to hurt him, just so that for once the cold novelist would understand how it felt to be pushed away. "You don't have to say anything, I think I know the answer. This is about revange, isn't it?" The pink-haired man nodded slowly. "Well you've succeeded. Eiri knows that the way he's been treating you is wrong and he's hurting because of it. Now I think it's time for you to stop this sillyness. I know you love him." Shuichi stared at the floor. Yes he loved Yuki, loved him more than anything but that was part of the reason he had to leave.
"Seguchi-san I can't be what Yuki needs. He needs more than I can ever give him, he needs... help. And I can't give him that because I love him too much and there's something wrong with my love. I'll always be in his way, blocking him from moving on, I refuse to do that anymore," the singer explained with tears in his voice. "This is breaking my heart but I have to do what's right without thinking about myself for once."

Touma sighed inside. Shuichi was one of the most unselfish people he had ever met but that had obviously slipped the vocalist by. For some reason Eiri's former lover thought that he had hurt the novelist because he was selfish. Touma didn't like their relationship and he would never admitt to anyone that Shuichi had actually helped Eiri but he knew deep down inside that that was the case.
"Shindou-san how is this going to help Eiri? He's hurting so badly from all this and still you insist on saying that it's the best thing for him?"
"Have you ever had a really bad dream that you never got to finish because someone always woke you up?" Shuichi asked quietly. Touma raised an eyebrow and eyed the young man infront of him.
"Sure. But what does that have to do with anything?"
"If you never get to finish your nightmares you'll never learn if you can save yourself from them or how they end. It's the same with Yuki and me. He needs to work through his problems on his own but I'm always interrupting him, I'm always in the way," Shuichi answered sounding very tired and sad. "I refuse to allow that to continue any longer. I want Yuki to be happy and he can't be happy with me because there's something wrong with me!" Touma sighed. The singer was wrong but what could he say to change his mind. Shuichi was extremly stubborn once he made up his mind about something.
"All I ask of you is that you go and see Eiri in the hospital. Just give him a little hope, show him that he hasn't ruined everything, please Shindou-san," the older man begged.
"I can't do that Seguchi-san, I'm sorry but I just can't," the pink-haired singer cried before he grabbed the last of his things and ran out.
"You're killing him... You want to do the right thing but you're killing him... and you're killing yourself too," Touma sighed to the empty apartment.

Time passes by so fast when you're miserable, Yuki muttered in his head and again faced the crimson-haired man before him.
"Eiri you have to focus," Akira sighed to the novelist. "Now answer my question." The blonde frowned and squirmed on his chair. He really, really didn't want to answer that question. "Okay if you don't want to answer I'm not going to ask you again. I'm trying to help you Eiri but if you don't care I have no reason to continue this any further." Yuki pouted and glared at the older man.
"Fine! Yes I use and hurt people and I don't care how that makes them feel." Aka smiled softly and patted the novelist on the shoulder.
"And do you know why you don't care?" The small room was silent for a long time.
"Because they don't care about me?" Yuki suggested with hesitation.
"Ah. So you hurt and use Shuichi because he doesn't care about you?" The novelist winced at the question. That's not true! he screamed inside, I know Shuichi cares for me. .
"I don't use him!" the blonde objected harshly.
"Hm... Let me change my question Eiri. Have you ever, for example, had sex with Shuichi just because you felt bored or lonely? Have you ever used his love for you? Have you ever hurt him knowing that he'd let you just because he loves you so much?"
"Yes." The answer slipped out before Yuki could stop it. With a low moan the novelist lowered his face and really wished he would just die.
"Eiri I know that it hurts to admitt that but I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Really I'm not. That's not what this is about. The blame can't be put on you here even though I know that's what you're thinking right now. I'm just trying to make you realize what it is you're doing and why. I know Shuichi and I'm sure he would do anything just to brighten your day, hm or night for that matter. But, you have to be honest with yourself here. You have a need to be in controle of everything that's emotinal. When you don't have controle over yourself and others you panic. There's a part of you that pulls you into doing things you really don't want to do, isn't there?" the therapist asked softly. Yuki stared at him with wide eyes filled with surprise.
"I want to do something one way and it just takes over forcing me to do the exact opposite," he answered loudly and shook his head. "Why is it doing that?"
"That part is still you Eiri. It's trying to protect you from yourself by hurting anyone who has the possibility of coming close, it pushes them away so that you're the one who controles how you and for example Shuichi feels. You're fooling yourself into thinking that that's going to keep you safe and happy. It's that part of you that you need to learn to controle." Akira explained. "To others it looks like you want to hurt them but I don't think that's the case, not deep down inside of you, but you're too use to giving in, too scared of letting go and allowing yourself to just feel. I think you know, just as I do, that you've been especially cold and mean to Shuichi and the answer to why is something you need to find yourself. I can only help you so much, the final piece of the puzzle however, I can't give you. You will have to find it yourself and it will most likely be hard and take time but it can also happen just like that," the therapist added with a snap of his fingers

Completely exhausted Yuki Eiri walked out from his session with Akira. His mind and body were so tired he could barely walk straight. There had been other shrinks through the years since that horrible day in New York but none of them had ever managed to get underneth the coldness that surrounded him. But Akira was diffrent, he seemed to know exactly how the novelist worked and what he felt even before Yuki knew himself. More than three months had passed since that day when Shuichi had left him all alone and still the blonde novelist couldn't stop missing his former lover. He hadn't seen the pink-haired singer after the fiasko at the club but Touma kept him updated. Shuichi wasn't doing much better than he was. The fans demanded more shows but the singer refused and K was about ready to shoot Shuichi because of the poor efforts he made during recordings but the vocalist didn't seem to care anymore. Yuki sighed deeply. He needed to fix the whole mess he had created but how? With a deep frown the novelist finally reached his building and was to say the least shocked to find his former lover standing outside looking terribly lost and confused.
"Shuichi?" Yuki asked softly and winced when the younger man backed away from his voice as if it had burnt him. "Are you okay?" The singer's violet eyes darted around refusing to meet the novelist's.
"I... just... don't... after... and," he mumbled making no sense what so ever.
"Do you want to come up?" Yuki ached inside as he forced himself not to pull the smaller man into his arms and never ever let him go again.
"I should... go... I just..." He doesn't even know how to talk to me anymore, the blonde sighed inside with sorrow. He watched as his former lover turned around to leave. Shuichi stopped for a moment and glanced at the novelist with tears in his eyes. "I miss you Yuki," he added with a sad sigh and then he was gone.
"I miss you too Shuichi," Eiri mumbled as the pink fluff of hair disappeared around the corner, "and I love you."

The darkness around him felt rather safe. For short periods of time he could fool himself into thinking that everything was back to normal. Yuki sighed and searched through his pockets on the hunt for a smoke. When he couldn't find his pack he gave up too tired to really care. Akira's questions were tumbling around inside of his head and that was the last thing he needed at the moment. He had caused so much hurt, inflicted so much pain on others. Others? Eiri asked himself. Who cares about others? I've caused many people hurt and pain but the only one that matters is Shuichi. He's the one who should have been saved from all that and he should have been saved from... me. That thought hurt. The best thing would be to just forget about his former lover, to hide him away with all the rest of his past but he couldn't. His mind and heart refused to let go of Shuichi. Not that he wanted to but perhaps it would be the best thing for Shuichi.
"I should be locked up somewhere far away from him," the novelist muttered out loud. Yuki sighed and rested his head in his hands. He had started working with Aka because he wanted to change, needed to be the Yuki Shuichi deserved. Aka, however, had been very unimpressed with that.
"Eiri this isn't about changing who you are. This is about unlocking yourself. Sure it will most likely mean that you'll change but it's not our goal. And trying to change yourself to suit someone else will never work in the long run. You need to take a good look at yourself and decide if you are willing to work with this." Akira's voice filled the empty apartment in a ghostly way. To his surprise Yuki had found that he did want to work with himself, he wanted to change the way he acted. But could he? He had spent so many years hiding his feelings so he wasn't sure he even could remember how to be 'normal' anymore. His thoughts drifted to the part of their session where Akira had confronted him, making him realize that he had been using Shuichi. That was a thing that really hurt. He had been using his lover. Taking what he needed without really caring or understanding how much it must have hurt Shuichi. Eiri rubbed his face and sighed deeply.
"I've ruined everything and I didn't even understand what I was doing." As on cue the voice in his head started meddling in his thoughts. You don't know that Eiri. Don't sell Shuichi short here. If you just can be more honest and open maybe he'll come back to you? It's obvious he stills love you and he said himself that he misses you. "I don't deserve him and I'll never forgive myself if I hurt him again!" the novelist objected and the dry voice let out a cold laugh. We always hurt the ones we love it's the way of life and love, but we accept the hurt inflicted on us by loved ones because love is more important than anything. If you give up on Shuichi now we both know what's going to happen. Yuki shuddered. Yes he knew what the future would be like if he didn't fight for this but... but he just had to push himself aside! Shuichi was the one who he had to focus on, not himself. I'll show you something that you probably don't remember Eiri, the voice whispered and pulled the novelist's mind away to the past.

//Shuichi looked at him and smiled.
"You came Yuki," the singer chirped and threw himself at his lover. The blonde novelist couldn't help but smile slightly as he wrapped his arms around the singer.
"I thought we might go out to dinner if you're done for the day," Eiri said slowly. The pink ball of energy bounced against him and giggled.
"I'm ready to go!" he stated with joy and attached himself to his lover's arm.
"Well then let's go Baka." Shuichi rolled his eyes at being called baka and started dragging Yuki towards the door.
"So where are we going?" the singer asked as the left the NG building and headed to the blonde's car.
"That's a surprise. You'll find out when we get there," Eiri winked at him and unlocked the car.//

See. You haven't just caused him pain. Shuichi was very happy that night and you know it, the voice said after allowing Yuki to pull away from the memory. That was true. The voicalist had been happy and so had Eiri. But one good night didn't make up for all the bad ones. Now, now don't do that! You must realize that those nights, no matter how few they might have been, were part of the reason Shuichi stayed for so long. Can't you understand that he loves you so much that it was worth all the harsh words if you just opened up sometimes and showed him the other side of yourself?
"Maybe, but it shouldn't have been like that! It should be the other way around. A few times of hurt, preferbly none at all, and so many times where we were happy," Eiri sighed. Well then make sure that's the way it is next time. It's up to you Eiri. Only you can make that change. The voice seemed to have said what it wanted and disappeared. Yuki left the couch and began pacing his apartment. Could there still be a chance for him to mend all his mistakes? Could Shuichi ever forgive him for being such a cold hearted bastard? So many questions and not nearly enough answers.

By: Atsureki