Disclaimers : I don't own these characters, except for Akira, and I make no money from this, at least none that I know of? Please don't sue me.
Warnings : Shone-ai, angst, OOC, and bad grama and spelling (I'm swedish so have mercy on me please).
Writing in Italic are thoughts or that little voice that talks inside your head sometimes (really hoping you all hear that voice sometimes 'cause if you don't I might need to go to the nut farm).
The Pains Of Love
Chapter 5
Aka sighed and looked at the crying form on his bed. He really liked Shuichi and it tore him apart to see the young man so lost and in so much pain. Slowly he sat down beside the singer and patted him on the back.
"What happened?" Akira asked although he was fairly sure he already knew.
"I... met Yuki," Shuichi sobbed and tried to stop crying. "He asked me to... to come up but..."
"Sch Shu it's okay. I know that you couldn't do that," the older man said softly. "I know you want to go back to Eiri and I know that you think you can't." The pink-haired singer looked up.
"What do you mean? I know I can't be with Yuki, I want to but I can't because there's something wrong with me!" Shuichi yelled and a new set of tears ran down his cheeks. Aka raised an eyebrow.
"And exactly what is it that's so wrong with you?" he asked carefully.
"I love him but all I ever do is get in his way, hurt him, fail him..." Akira couldn't stop himself from letting out a dry laugh. Talk about being way off track, he sighed inside.
"Shu that's nonsense and you know it! There is nothing wrong with you at all. The only one that failed Eiri is that bastard Yuki who betrayed him in New York and the only one who hurts Eiri is Eiri himself. He doesn't understand it completely yet but he will in due time." Shuichi stared at his friend. The singer had no idea that Aka worked with Yuki and therefor no way of knowing that the novelist had told the therapist about his past. But then the slender man before him didn't know he was being worked with either. Unlike the complicated novelist Shuichi wouldn't respond well to sessions and Akira knew that. Instead he worked with the singer in a friendly way making it look like he just cared, which he really did. "I really think it would help you if you went to talk to Eiri. Take a good look into his eyes and rethink everything you feel and think about him," Aka added after a moment.
"But..."
"Shuichi! Stop being so stubborn! Go over and talk to the man, it's not going to kill you and it's not going to kill him!" Akira interrupted.
"But what if I..." the singer whispered not really knowing what it was he might do wrong.
"I'll give you a few rules. Don't let your heart push you into doing anything stupid, make sure you tell him how you feel. And don't under any circumstances what so ever sleep with Eiri... It's really not that complicated." Aka knew that it probably wasn't exactly that easy but both Shuichi and Yuki needed to face each other before they could move on, either together or separately. The singer blushed.
"Why can't I... um you know?" he asked, embarrassed beyond himself. Aka smiled softly.
"Because sex isn't the answer here, it'll only pull both of you astray from the real issue. You two need to talk, not hump each other like starved rabbits!" It shouldn't have been possible but Bad Luck's vocalist turned an ever deep shade of red. "Now go get dressed."
The buzz from the intercom woke him up. With a yawn Yuki pulled his hands through his messy blonde hair and got up. He pressed the button after a moment of hesitation, not sure he wanted to see anyone.
"Yes?"
"It's Shuichi may I come up?" a low and trembling voice asked. Eiri swallowed and couldn't say anything for a while. "Yuki?"
"Sorry, of course come up," the novelist finally answered and closed his eyes. Shuichi was there to see him, but what did he want? The novelist was scared and felt how his mind did what it was so used to do when it really didn't feel like it was in complete controle, it pulled up the icewall and fooled him into thinking it would keep him safe and happy. Eiri you have to fight it, the dry voice ordered him, don't let it beat you this time too. If you do you'll hurt Shuichi again! The doorbell shot through his brain before he could start struggling. With cold eyes Yuki opened and stepped aside to let his former lover in.
"What do you want?" he asked, once again sounding like the younger man was nothing but a bother. Shuichi gave him a defeated look and stayed outside. Eiri! the voice barked, you're pushing him away again! Stop it! The vocalist sighed and slowly shook his head.
"I shouldn't have come here," he mumbled and turned around to leave. The hurt in his voice was enough to make Yuki struggle against the part of him that he really didn't want to show anymore. With a small grunt he managed to shove it into the back of his mind where it belonged.
"Shuichi please don't go," the blonde objected and placed a shaking hand on his former lover's shoulder. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to sound like that." For a moment the pink-haired man seemed to hesitate then he turned around, but he didn't come closer. "Please come in," he added and stepped aside again. Shuichi looked at his face for a long time before he walked in. Yuki swallowed and closed the door behind them. He had won a small victory over himself but there were bigger battles to fight, harder wars to win. "Won't you sit down." The younger man nodded and sank down on the couch that had been his bed when he first moved in. Eiri sat down too and they spent a while just looking at each other.
Shuichi almost chocked at the sight of the blonde's face. He had missed looking at Yuki so much, just as he had missed hearing his voice, and he knew that that made him weak, but he had to do what he had come there for.
"I just came over to tell you I'm sorry that I lied to you," the vocalist mumbled. Not really the reason for his visit but it was a start and something he really wanted to apologize for. Yuki gave him a confused look.
"You said that to Touma too but I don't understand. When did you lie to me?" The novelist's voice was soft and a little bit strained. Shuichi lowered his eyes to the floor and played with his shirt.
"I lied when I told you that I left because of the way you treated me. I was trying to hurt you," he answered with shame. "And I lied when I said that I would be fine without you, that I would forget you." The words tumbled out of his mouth and he hoped that the blonde heard them all.
"Shuichi, I did hurt you too much and perhaps it would be better if you did forget about me. That way I'll never hurt you again," Eiri replyed sadly. The vocalist snapped his head up and met golden eyes filled with pain and sorrow.
"I can't Yuki, I can't forget you and I don't want to. Even if you would go on hurting me, pushing me away every day for the rest of my life it'll still be better than..." his voice trailed off as he began to cry. Angry with himself Shuichi pushed away the tears and straightened himself. "It would still be better than being without you. But... I'm standing in your way when I'm with you. It's like me being here keeps you from being happy." The novelist stared at him and shook his head.
"No, that's not true! I am happy being with you but I'm not happy with myself. Do you understand?" Eiri objected and gave his former lover a pleading look begging him to understand. "It's not that I want to hurt you the way I always do but it's like I can't help myself, like I can't stop myself from doing it over and over again. I have no excuse for what I've been doing to you these past years and I can't ask you to forgive me for it but please Shuichi, I'm begging you not to put the blame on yourself. None of this is your fault."
"It has to be my fault! I failed you Yuki. I was too selfish to consider your past, the scars you have inside. But instead of understanding I just... made everything... wrong and I hate myself for that! That's why I left you and I really thought I was doing the right thing but I just made you hurt more, failed you all over again!" The vocalist was crying hard and looked every bit as torn apart as he felt inside. Suddenly warm arms scooped him up and a soft chest pressed against his cheek. Trembling Shuichi pushed away the warnings in his head and clinged to Yuki.
"I'm sorry, so sorry... I didn't see how all this was hurting you and I wish I could go back and change that but I can't. All I can do is change the future and I'm trying to. Don't be so hard on yourself Shuichi, it's not your fault and it wasn't meant to be your mission to make me understand myself," the blonde mumbled softly. "You showed so much strength when you left me even though I know it hurt you so much and if you hadn't had the courage to do that I would never have met Aka. He's helping me Shuichi and it's all because of you so don't you dare say that you've failed me." Carefully the younger man looked up. I did helped him? I didn't mess everything up? he asked himself and almost drowned in the golden gaze.
"You're working with Aka?"
"Yes, every day for the last five weeks and he is helping me. It's slow but I'm beginning to understand why I've been such a monster to you and alot of other people. All those things I did to you, all the times I used you knowing that you loved me enough to put up with it," Eiri explained and looked so hurt it almost crushed the smaller man's heart. It was so strange to Shuichi. Yuki had changed so much and the pain in his voice was so deep it was breathtaking. But the pain wasn't new it had always been there hidden behind layers of ice and hard walls. If I only could have understood this before, the vocalist sighed inside, then maybe I could have helped Yuki better.
"I'm sorry I didn't understand."
"How could you have understood? I spent years hiding everything from everybody including myself. You did help me! Before I met you I didn't care at all but you changed that even if I couldn't let go of... of the walls and show my feelings. Shuichi I've been horrible to you because I'm scared of you, your feelings for me and most of all my feelings for you."
Eiri frowned slightly at his own words. There it was! That was what Akira had tried to show him. The reason for his acting was right there and now he could finally see it and understand it. He was scared of loving Shuichi. Scared because if he allowed all his feelings to show he wouldn't have controle and he could get hurt. By accepting Shuichi's love he'd again be robbed from the controle he thought he needed so badly. How pathetic of me, the novelist mocked himself, all that hurt and pain I've caused Shuichi just because I'm scared of loving him, of being loved by him. For a moment Yuki damned himself. And here I've been calling him Baka? Well that's a laugh! I'm the Baka here not him.
"I don't understand," the vocalist mumbled when the novelist didn't say anything more. Carefully he tilted up the smaller man's face and met his eyes.
"Everytime I wanted to hold you close or tell you how I feel I got scared of losing controle. It was the same when I opened the door earlier. When I'm scared of things that are emotional a part of me takes over and puts up that cold facade you've seen more times than you should have. I wanted to push you away just to see if you would come back. It doesn't make much sense I know that, but I was trying to test you and your feelings for me. I didn't even fully understand it myself until just now. I was especially cold and mean to you because... you scare me more than anything. I'm afraid of you and what you bring with you because I love you." Shuichi stared at him in utter confusion. "I'm afraid of loving you because I don't feel I have controle, and I'm afraid of your love because I don't think anyone can love someone like me. I tried to regain controle over everything by pushing you away. By doing that I had the controle so that I was the one who pushed you away instead of you pushing me away because I wouldn't be able to stand that." A soft hand wiped away tears that the novelist shed unknowingly. Eiri knew that he wasn't exactly making perfekt sense with what he said but he hoped and prayed that Shuichi understood what he meant. It was all so clear to him now. Aka had been right all along, he was trying to protect himself from everything that confused him or made him feel like he had no controle. Love was impossible to controle and it certainly was confusing, so no wonder he had struggled so hard against it. But that struggling was over. I will never ever again hide my feelings from Shuichi again! Eiri promised himself. It would be hard and it would take a lot of work but it would be worth it in the end, if his former lover could forgive him.
"Yuki? Are you okay?" a soft voice asked and pulled him away from his thoughts.
"Shuichi will you come back to me?" The question slipped past the novelist's lips unasked. "I'm sorry I have no right to ask that of you," Eiri sighed and damned himself. Shuichi let go of him and backed away. No please no, the blonde cried inside, I've ruined it all over again. He had gone too far.
"Yuki..." The older man shivered and slowly looked up to meet those lavender eyes. "I want to be with you more than anything but..." Oh please no buts, please don't let me lose him all over again. "But only if you promise me that you won't hide from me again. I love all of you Yuki, the bad sides too if you'd only give me a chance to understand them. And please, tell me to shut up, call me Baka," the pink-haired singer mumbled. With surprise Eiri stared at him not really sure he had heard him right.
"What?"
"You have no idea of how much I have missed your voice. I would wake up in the middle of the night praying to any God I could think of that you would tell me to shut up again. Please tell me to shut up." Yuki smiled at his lover and for the first time in many many years that smile really reached his eyes.
"Baka, shut up," he murmured with affection in his low voice. Shuichi sighed with content and crawled into his lap.
"Thanks Yuki."
"Shuichi, my name's Eiri not Yuki," the novelist said with his face pressed against pink hair.
"I know but you're my Yuki no matter what your real name is, " the vocalist objected and curled up against the blonde's chest. Arms embraced him and held him with love.
"Yuki it is then," Eiri smiled softly. "And your Yuki loves you, I love you, always remember that."
"Shuichi loves you too, more than anything."
The novelist smiled to himself. He didn't have controle but he realized that when he had let go they had the controle together. A controle built by trust and love, and even if he'd end up getting hurt it would still be worth it. Putting himself on the line and risking to get hurt or betrayed again felt right and he knew, finally had the courage to really believe, that Shuichi would never do that to him. He could tell by the smaller man's breathing that he was about to fall asleep and he didn't mind since his own eyes were starting to drift close too. He would be completely content sitting there holding his lover forever.
Akira looked at a familier couple that crossed the busy street. It always surprised him when he managed to help someone but the two men who now were walking on the oppsite sidewalk were special to him.
"Yuki Eiri and Shindou Shuichi. A perfect couple indeed," Aka smiled to himself. To anyone else they looked the same as two years ago when the therapist had first met them. Shuichi clinging to Eiri's arm babbling about something, everything, while Yuki seemed annoyed and uninterested but Narazaki Akira could see that the blonde novelist was listening to every word and that he really didn't mind at all. It was strange how he never had managed to completely take down the cold wall surrounding Eiri even after two years of therapy. The blonde novelist still seemed cold and uncaring to everybody else but inside he did feel again and towards his younger lover he was very diffrent. Shuichi had grown tougher and could take the hard words that Eiri sometimes barked at him, when he got scared or unsure, and the novelist had learnt to show his partner how he felt, to allow himself not to have complete controle. It had taken them a lot of hard work and sometimes it had seemed impossible but with Aka's help and guidance they had come so far together. All in all it was a success. Akira smiled to himself. "I'm stupid, you're smarter. I'm stupid thinking there's a way, this could turn out right..." Aka hummed. He still remembered those lyrics and they always made him smile. "Ah but there was a way, there really was a way," the crimson-haired man chuckled before he turned around and left the busy sidewalk.
~Owari~
By: Atsureki
This is how I look at Eiri's "problem". I have no way of knowing if I'm right or not but being a controle freak myself I just couldn't help but recognizing myself. Love is a stupid thing *smiles* It's impossible to controle and it confuses me out of my mind. *nods* Oh well lemme know what you think please...
