~Group Therapy Sessions~

[Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. If I did, I would be a very happy puppy, but I'll settle for being just a happy puppy right now.]

Well, this story's a parody of some of the Harry Potter characters, who have all joined a therapy group. Read along, now. XD

Monday:

[Those present: Dr. Phil, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew, and Professor Trelawney.]

Dr. Phil: I'd like to welcome everyone to the first group therapy meeting.

Lucius: So what are the quirks here?

Dr. Phil: Quirks? Now wait a minute! You're expecting other quirks, besides helping yourself to better mental stability.

Lucius: Yes...

Dr. Phil: {whispering} My diet plan and an anti-balding kit if you throw in a few.. um.. what are they called?

Lucius: Knuts?

Dr. Phil: Yes, that's it.

Lucius: Gladly.

*Pettigrew cackles.*

Lucius: Shut up, Pettigrew.

*Pettigrew clings to Voldemort.*

Pettigrew: SAVE ME, MASTER! SAVE ME!

Voldemort: Get.. off.. of.. me.

Pettigrew: But, I need protection, master!

Dr. Phil: I'm sensing a bit of insecurity here.

Professor Trelawney: Hey, I'm the one who senses things!

Draco: {whispering to himself, admiring his reflection in a mirror} I'm so sexy.

Professor Trelawney: My dear, I believe that is a miniature version of the Mirror of Erised.

Draco: FUCK!

Dr. Phil: What a foul-mouthed child! Who are his parents?!

Lucius: That'd be me.

Dr. Phil: Oh my, Lucius, I'm sorry, will you still--

Lucius: No knuts for you!

*Dr. Phil's eyes water.*

Voldemort: Damned muggle. The ONLY reason I'm not cursing this foul muggle is because my Snapey-wapey told me I should.. come-- did I just say that aloud?

*Draco bursts out laughing.*

Voldemort: FOOL! {Points his wand at Draco} Avad--

Dr. Phil: Now, now! Don't kill the poor boy! After all you did call someone Snapey--

*Voldemort points his wand at Dr. Phil.*

Dr. Phil: Did I mention how WONDERFUL it is to discipline children?

Lucius: I'm having a hard time debating which one is more annoying: Pettigrew or this Dr. Phil. Mm.. definitely Dr. Phil.

Dr. Phil: {sniffling} You are SO harsh!

*Pettigrew grovels at Lucius's feet.*

Pettigrew: Sweet Lucius. Kind Lucius. Generous Lucius. You will protect me from all bad things.

Lucius: Get away from me.

*Pettigrew crawls over to Draco.*

Pettigrew: Sweet Draco. Kind Draco. Generous Draco. You will protect me from all bad things as I melt in your sexiness.

Draco: I'm.. flattered.. but please get away.

*Pettigrew crawls to Dr. Phil.*

Pettigrew: Sweet Dr. Phil. Kind Dr. Phil. Generous Dr. Phil. You will protect me from all the mean wizards by use of your extensive knowledge.

Dr. Phil: {sniffling} Why, yes! Yes, I will!

*Dr. Phil picks up Pettigrew and stomps away.*

Voldemort: ..that went well.

Professor Trelawney: I had foreseen this! I gazed into my crystal ball this morning, and I saw an ugly muggle man and--

Lucius: My GAWD, 'lawney, everyone knows you are SO in love with Pettigrew!

Draco: Father..?

Lucius: You heard NOTHING.

Professor Trelawney: How dare you! I trusted you with my secret!

Voldemort: I bet you had seen this coming.

Professor Trelawney: Why yes, I--

Voldemort: Shut the HELL up!

*Professor Trelawney convulses.*