[A/N: Yay! Wednesday! Thanks for reading this far!]

Wednesday:

[Those present: Dr. Phil, Lucius Malfoy, Draco Malfoy, Voldemort, Peter Pettigrew, Professor Trelawney, Professor Quirrel, Hermione Granger, Professor Snape, and Ron Weasley.]

Dr. Phil: Well, I have to say that yesterday's session was quite interesting.

Voldemort: I concur.

Dr. Phil: Thank you.

Voldemort: You better be grateful, you shitwad of a muggle. A-hem.

Dr. Phil: Yes, now I'm sensing some enmity between you and I.

Voldemort: 'You' and 'I' don't fit together in the same sentence.

Dr. Phil: {sniffling} Moving on.. I'd like to welcome two new members. Please give a warm welcome to Ron Weasley, and Professor Snape.

Voldemort: SNAPE?! SNAPEY-WAPEY?!

Professor Snape: VOLDEY-WOLDEY!

Lucius: {mumbling to Draco} I am not asking.

*Draco shakes his head.*

Hermione: Ron? Ron, you're really here!

*Ron cries hysterically.*

Ron: I LOVED YOU, HERMIONE! BUT NO, YOU DENY ME AND GO OFF SNOGGING HARRY!

*Everyone winces.*

Voldemort and Snape: Don't say that name!

Draco: W-what? Snogging Harry?

*Everyone winces.*

Voldemort: Draco, please stop saying that name. I really don't want to use my wand.

Draco: S-sorry.

Professor Quirrel: St-stuttering is MY speech p-problem! S-stop it! SEIZE HIM!

*Draco whines.*

Pettigrew: KING RAAAAAAAAAAAAAMSES! The man in gauze! The man in gauze! KING RAAAAAAAAAAAAMSES! The man in gauze! The man in gauze!

Professor Trelawney: What in the world are you singing that for?

Pettigrew: KING RAAAAAAAAAAAMSES!

Hermione: King Ramses? I read about him! He was--

Lucius: Girl, just stop it!

Draco: But father!

*Lucius growls threateningly to Draco.*

Dr. Phil: Mr. Lucius, I sense some tension between you and your son.

Professor Trelawney: Excuse me! I SENSE THINGS! Get that through your thick skull! I AM THE SEER!

Ron: {spluttering} And HARRY's the SEEKER!

*Everyone winces.*

Voldemort: DON'T SAY THAT NAME!

Dr. Phil: Anyway Lucius, tell us your story. But first may I recommend my diet program for people who love and worship me and watch Oprah, and who may not even need this program, but just love me so much-- for anyone who would like to buy it with nine simple payments of seventy-four dollars. [A/N: For anyone who hasn't done the math already, 74 times 9 is 666. Heh. Heh. Heh.] All the money goes into the charity for marketing Dr. Phil bobble-head dolls. Uh.. onto your story, Lucius.

Lucius: Well, my name is Lucius Malfoy--

Professor Snape: Yes, we know.

Lucius: And I live in the Malfoy Manor, upholding family traditions and high standards. I once lived a happy life. Then Draco had to go to Hogwarts. I personally wanted to send him to Durmstrang, but Narcissa complained and complained and said she couldn't bear to send her poor son out there. So, he attended Hogwarts, made a few friends, and made loads of enemies, trying to keep secret from everyone that his father was a Death Eater.

Ron: I knew it!

Lucius: Yes.. anyway, among the enemies he made, one was.. {whispering} he- who-must-not-be-called-by-name.

Dr. Phil: Who would that be?

Lucius: Harry Potter.

*Everyone winces.*

Lucius: He made me say it! Anyhow, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Called-By-Name was quite an annoyance to my family. I once visited Hogwarts, and he gave me a book with a dirty sock. I threw the sock away, and my damned house elf, Dobby caught it. He's been nothing but a hindrance to the family. Fuck Potter!

Draco: Dad! Are you serious?

*Hermione coughs.*

Lucius: No, Draco. I didn't mean it that way.

Dr. Phil: Well, I can see where Draco inherited his foul language.

Lucius: Who asked you?

Dr. Phil: It is my job.

Lucius: Pfft. Anyway, I wasn't done. And now, I'm in love with Miss Mudblood Granger over here, my wife hates me, and people are calling me a freakin' pedophile. There. Now I'm done.

Dr. Phil: Well don't you have quite a predicament.

*Lucius glowers.*

Voldemort: This guy is getting on my nerves.

Professor Snape: Well, I'd suggest a nice unforgivable, eh, Voldey-woldey?

Voldemort: Excellent suggestion, Snapey-wapey. {Pointing his wand at Dr. Phil} CRUCIO!

*Dr. Phil screams!*

*Hermione and Ron gasp.*

Pettigrew: BURN, BABY, BURN! DISCO INFERNO! BURN, BABY, BURN!

Voldemort: Thank you, Pettigrew. Think he's had enough.

Professor Snape: Yeah, why not.

*Voldemort stops the curse.*

Dr. Phil: What the hell was that?!

Hermione: Cruciatus curse, Dr. Phil. One of the three Unforgivable Curses, which will land you in Azkaban if the Ministry of Magic successfully catches you, which they usually do, with the exception of Voldemort over there. They usually NEVER catch him. Pity. But wait, this would also be a concern of the muggle department, wouldn't it?

Lucius: {grumbles} Weasley.

Ron: What?

*Lucius glares at Ron.*

Hermione: Anyway, I read it in--

Ron: SHUT UP, HERMIONE! JUST BECAUSE HARRY-- sorry-- HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE- CALLED-BY-NAME LOVES YOU DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN PRANCE AROUND WITH ALL THIS KNOWLEDGE LIKE YOU'RE BETTER THAN US! I LOOOOOOOOOVE YOU, HERMIONE! I LOVE YOU!

Draco: Stop your blubbering, Weasley!

Ron: Eat slugs, Malfoy!

Draco: Why I oughta--

Dr. Phil: STOP! I think that's quite enough for today! I will see you all tomorrow!