THE PINK SHIRT FILES
Chapter Three: Hit Me, Baby, One More Time!
AN: Wow, this chapter ended up really long! Well, enjoy!
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Day Two.
9:45 a.m.
"Let's see, Sally, Noin, Zechs, Relena" Duo furrowed his brow, grabbed an eraser, and rubbed out the name he'd just written. "On second thoughts, maybe I'll just invite her brother- I don't want the police to be attracted when gunshots are reported." Looking over the long list of names he had written (which was basically just about everyone and anyone any of the pilots had ever come into contact with), the Shinigami went to the phone and started ringing the invitees.
"Hello, Dorothy? We're having a big-ass party this weekend at Quatre's house"
Elsewhere in the mansion, Quatre was still asleep, as was noted by Wufei and Trowa. Deciding that was time for the snoozing soldier to awaken, the two quietly made their way to his room. Trowa knocked on the door, but received no reply save for the sound of quiet snoring.
"We're going in." Wufei said, quietly turning the doorknob and entering. Inside the master bedroom, Quatre was buried underneath a pile of expensive looking blankets, dreaming away in his plush, four-post bed. If it weren't for his platinum blonde hair showing from underneath the blankets, Trowa and Wufei wouldn't know he was there at all. Wufei approached the queen-sized bed, and pulled back the covers in one swift movement, revealing a boxer-clad, matted-haired young Arabian. His mouth was wide open (complete with a tongue dangling out), and there was a steady stream of drool running from the corner of his mouth. The 04 and 05 pilots couldn't help but cringe a little at the sight before them.
"?" (How are we going to wake him up?) Trowa asked.
"Well," Wufei replied, "I was just going to put my hands over his mouth and nose to cut off his air supply but I don't want to get my hands near all that slobber! He looks like that dog out of Turner and Hooch'!"
Quatre stirred, and turned over in his sleep, completely oblivious to the fact that his boxers were really riding up. He continued to dream uninterrupted for a little while longer
~
Quatre skipped merrily along a long, winding road. The sky was a lovely shade of pink, and off to one side was a pair of camels drinking tea.
"Tra la la la la!" He sung happily, as he continued skipping along until he ran into
"Hi Quatre!"
The blonde boy looked at Noin, rather dumbfounded.
"Uh Miss Noin?"
"Yes?"
" Why are you naked?"
She shrugged.
"I don't know. This is your dream."
"Oh no this isn't one of THOSE dreams is it?" The 04 pilot asked, fearfully.
"I hope not," came the reply, "because if it is, I am *so* never eating Zechs's chilli before I go to bed ever again!"
For a while, Noin looked around at the scenery whilst Quatre looked away, blushing.
"Oh, I almost forgot," the dark haired lady said, "the reason I'm here is because I'm representing your feminine side."
"HUH?!" Quatre asked, looking rather shocked.
"I'm here to give you a message from your feminine side." She answered back. "I have something very important to tell you about this transition you are currently undergoing, with help from Duo, Wufei and Trowa. There is something you must know."
"Well what is it?" Quatre questioned, rather eager to hear what she had to say. Noin continued, but her voice became inaudible. Quatre strained to hear what seemed to be an imperative message, but no sound he heard, until his own voice yelled out
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
~
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Quatre bolted upright from his dream, drenched in icy cold water. To the side, he saw Wufei and Trowa, the latter standing with an empty bucket of water.
"Nice to see you're awake." Wufei commented. "It's almost ten a.m.!"
"The dream!" Quatre said, remembering the urgency of Noin's ethereal message. "Now I'll never know what my naked Noin feminine side was going to tell me!" The little Arabian ran a panicked hand through his hair, before realising the odd expression his friends were giving him.
" ?" (Naked Noin?)
"Uh never mind." Quatre said, blushing. The odd gazes he was receiving lingered. "I think I'll just go get changed now." The blonde rushed into the adjoining bathroom and slammed the door, grabbing the clothes he had brought the other day. He looked down for a moment.
"Phew at least it wasn't one of THOSE dreams!" He thought, as he got changed.
"" (Maybe we should have just yelled at him to get up.)
"Well, what fun would that have been?" Wufei replied, smirking.
"" (You're starting to sound just like Duo.)
"What?!" Came the panicked response. "Oh great- Maxwell's CONTAGIOUS!"
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10:10 a.m.
Trowa, Wufei and Quatre had gathered on the lawn outside of the latter's mansion.
"Where's Duo?" Quatre asked. The others shrugged.
"We needn't worry about that weakling now." Wufei stated. "Today, we are going to work on the area that only I am fit to teach- fighting."
"HUH?!" The little Arabian gaped.
"One is not fit to call themselves a man until they can at least throw a decent punch. You must learn to be tough instead of the tea-sipping priss I see before me!" Wufei continued, ignoring the dejected look on poor little Quatre's face. "After all, we are the stronger sex! We must know how to fight!"
"But can't we just talk things out?" Came the weary reply. "It's not nice to hurt people."
The Chinaman rolled his eyes.
"If you were in a back alley at night time and some hoodlum came looking to take your wallet, do you think he'd want to sit down and talk things over calmly?"
" Maybe if I made him some tea?"
Wufei sweatdropped. Off to the side, Trowa looked on, amused by the situation.
"Alright, first I must assess your current fighting ability." The martial arts expert told his newest apprentice. "Hit me with your best shot."
"WHAT?!" Quatre squealed. "I'm not going to hit you!"
"You have to!" Wufei quipped back. "Pretend I'm the one who painted George pink and put a bikini on him!"
Quatre thought back to when he had found George- his favourite camel- in such a state. Immediately, he pictured the boy in front of him with a long, brown braid, and punched him right in the gut- once, twice, three times! Wufei stood there idly, checking his watch as the blonde continued to pound into him. Ten minutes later, Quatre fell to the ground, exhausted.
"Pathetic." Wufei muttered. "We're really going to have to work on those fighting abilities." Quatre crawled over to a nearby outdoor table, grabbed the bottle of water that was on it, and skulled.
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"Miss Noin? Oh I'm great thanks, how are you?" Duo fiddled with the cord on the telephone, up to guest one-hundred-and-something on his list of invitees. "So anyway, we're having a party this weekend at Quatre's mansion how did we get him to agree to that? Well, let's just say we've got a little bargain going. Yep, it goes from three p.m. on Saturday til whenever. And bring Zechs, too. Alright, we'll see you there then! Sorry, what was that? Zechs did WHAT?! Yikes! Well, I s'pose that's what you get when you leave him alone with the Internet and yes, I *know* that's no excuse for him to sell naked pictures of himself on eBay, but hey, at least it was just to private collectors! I mean, just imagine if someone from a hentai magazine brought " As if to emphasise his point, Duo looked down at the nudey magazine he was holding. His eyes went wide as he laid eyes upon the familiar figure on the cover, who was wearing a mask "Uh look, I gotta go now. See you on Saturday!" *click*
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11:00 a.m.
Elsewhere, Quatre had recovered, and was now following Wufei in doing forms. He mimicked the 05 pilot's actions, raising one hand and striking out, followed by raising his left leg and kicking. At least, that was how it was supposed to go. The poor blonde boy struggled to keep his balance whilst kicking, but to no avail. For the eighth time in a row (which was also the number of times he had attempted the manoeuvre), he fell flat on his backside. Wufei face-faulted.
"Ugh this isn't getting us anywhere." He said in annoyance. "Trowa! Bring out the punching bag!"
Trowa nodded, and went into the house to fetch the equipment. Soon, he returned, dragging a heavy, sand-filled nylon bag.
"!" He said, struggling.
"Pathetic." Wufei grumbled. "A mere one hundred kilograms and he can't lift it. I'm beginning to think you BOTH need toughening up!"
The two in question exchanged worried glances. With help from Wufei, the punching bag was tied to an overhanging tree branch, and hung at an appropriate height for Quatre.
"Now," Wufei instructed, "keep punching this until I feel you are at an appropriate level of fighting."
"How long will that take?" His apprentice asked. Wufei shrugged.
"Normal people usually take up to about twenty minutes."
"?" (And Quatre?) Trowa asked.
"Hm we'll check back in a couple of hours." With that, Trowa and Wufei walked off to get a sandwich, waving goodbye over their shoulder.
"Aw, man." Quatre groaned, as he started punching away at the bag.
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" And so then I said, Why would *I* put gummy bears into your gun's bullet chamber, Heero? But on the bright side, the next time you chase me around with it, instead of yelling Eat lead!' you can yell Eat yummy chewy confectionary treats!' It was so funny! Heh heh, yeah, okay I'll see you on Saturday then, Dr. J! Okay, bye!" Duo hung up the phone and crossed another name off his list of people to call. He was almost halfway there, and already, everyone who he had invited was coming.
"You'll see who on Saturday, Duo?" Wufei asked as he entered the lounge room (sandwich in hand), from which Duo was using the phone.
"Oh, I'm just ringing up guests for the big party we're having on the weekend."
"We're having a party?" Wufei asked. "Since when?"
"Since Quatre gave us free reign of his mansion this weekend, REMEMBER?"
"Maxwell, you idiot!" Wufei growled. "We don't get dibs on the mansion until AFTER we've turned him into a man! That could take weeks! Months! Years! Lifetimes even!"
Duo grinned and sweatdropped.
"Uh, heh heh I never thought of that. But I've called too many people to cancel the party. That is, unless we want a gang of angry, trigger-happy associates who are pissed off at us for filling up their weekend and cancelling at the last minute."
"Great." Wufei grimaced. "Just great. The Braided Baka does it again. You know, I think you'd be smarter if I just cut open your skull and removed your brain altogether!"
"Hey, chill out, Wu-man!" The 02 pilot rebutted. "It's only Tuesday, which means we've still got all of today, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday to get him into shape."
"That's only four days, Maxwell."
"Oh yeah well, I'm sure you can handle it. I'm going to invite some more people." And with that, the Braided Wonder resumed phoning the guests to the party. Wufei glared, plans of vengence forming in his mind...
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12:04 p.m.
Trowa sat in the recreational room, lounging back on a leather chair with his book. As he flipped through its pages, Heero walked into the room.
"Why is Wufei sharpening his katanas?" He asked. "I thought he did that yesterday."
Trowa shrugged.
"He wouldn't be sharpening them again unless he was going to use them." The perfect soldier added.
"?"
"I don't think he'd used his prized possessions to make a salad, Trowa."
" ///.^; "
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3:15 p.m.
For the last few hours, little had changed throughout the mansion. Duo continued making phone calls to people on his guest list, Trowa had emersed himself in The Idiot's Guide To Socialising', Wufei had been muttering something about how lazy Duo was whilst sharpening his katanas, and Heero was going through his e-mail. As for Quatre
"Must keep going" he chanted, as he continued to punch into the punching bag. "This will make me stronger and more manly! Must keep going until Wufei says I can stop *pant, pant*!"
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6:45 p.m.
Duo sighed and put down the receiver for the last time- everyone on his long list of invitees had been invited, and all said that they would be attending.
"Man, that was some hard work!" He commented, getting up off the lounge seat he had been sitting on for the past six or so hours. "Ah well, at least it beats what Wu, Trowa and Quatre were doing. I'm just not in the mood for physical exertion today."
"Lazy, impotent weakling!" Wufei said from behind the braided boy, brandishing his katana.
"Hey Wu-Wu!" Duo greeted happily, though wary of the sword that was pointed in his direction. "How's it going?"
"Listen, Maxwell," the Chinaman growled, "you've *really* been getting on my nerves today. Not only do you go and make arrangements for a party when we don't even know if we'll finish our task with Quatre by this weekend, but you offer absolutely no help whatsoever in training him!"
"Aw c'mon Wuffles! I'm sure we'll have everything done by this weekend."
"Indeed we will." Came the reply. "Because seeing that I spent all day training that weakling whilst you did jack, YOU'RE going to train him all by yourself tomorrow! And you'll make sure he'll be ready in time for the weekend!"
Duo's eyes widened.
"But Wu-"
"But nothing! You will make up for your sloth-like ways. And just to show you I'm serious" Wufei approached his friend', lifted a single hair from one of his bangs, and sliced it off with his katana.
"MY HAIR!!!" Came the anguished response, as he grabbed the thin strand from between Wufei's thumb and forefinger. "You cut out one of my hairs! How could you!" Wufei rolled his eyes, as the braided boy attempted to stick the hair back into place using saliva.
It was at this moment that Heero (who had managed to somehow tear himself away from cyberspace) entered the room. He looked out a nearby window, and saw Quatre, still punching away in the yard.
"Why is Quatre attacking that poor defenceless punching bag?" He asked, watching as the bag swung around with the force of one of the Arabian's punches, only to come back and hit him in the face. Wufei's eyes went wide.
"Oh my God! I forgot he was still out there!" He quickly made tracks, and was soon by the side of a very exhausted, flushed Quatre, who was standing in a deep puddle of his own sweat.
"You can stop now, Quatre!" Wufei hastily instructed.
"Yaaaay- *ugh*!" Came the reply, as the boy fell to the ground in exhaustion. For a while, he just laid there, motionless. Trowa, Heero and Duo were quick to arrive on the scene.
"Is he dead?" Heero questioned. Trowa picked up a stick and prodded the fallen boy with it.
"No way am I giving him mouth to mouth!" Duo commented, backing away a bit.
"Hmph." Wufei grunted. "Looks like he still needs some toughening up. Maybe later this week I'll set up the punching bag again, and he can go a good few hours with it."
At that statement, Quatre's eyes popped open. He immediately got to his feet, and slugged Wufei in the jaw, sending him reeling back onto the ground.
"Never never again!" The blonde laughed, the same way he had when he'd experienced the Zero System.
"I have completed my task Quatre is now tough." Wufei commented, before passing out on the lawn. Quatre was soon to follow, still exhausted from his sparring.
"Well guys, have fun dragging them inside!" Duo said, as he started off back to the house.
"I don't think so." Heero replied, stepping in his path. "I have work to do on my laptop, and Trowa has to do some repairs on the Gundams."
"?!!" Trowa gaped, peeved that the rest of the night would be filled with chores.
"That leaves you." The perfect soldier continued over his shoulder, as he headed back to the house. "Have fun!"
"But but grrr!" The American grumbled as he watched both soldiers go off in separate directions. "Great. Why do *I* always have to do everything around here?!"
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~What does Duo have in store for his day training Quatre in the fine art of masculinity? Will Noin have clothes on when next we encounter her? And what does any of this have to do with purple bananas? Find out in Chapter Four of The Pink Shirt Files'! And don't forget to review ^.^ *hugs to everyone who already had :D* ~
