Chapter 8
We all want a better life
I think I found you just in time
And I'm feeling so divine
we all want a better life
And I'm not going home
- "Balmes" Ian Pooley and Esthero.
Morpheus stood in the cold, impersonal corridors of the Nebuchadnezzer. The hall was silent save for the low, constant hum and thrum of the ship's engines and the EM pulse cannons charging.
A little ways down, closer to the warmth of the engine room, was the tiny gray enclave where the crew had set Astral up. The cabin was the safest in the event of a Squid attack; down in the dark black belly of the ship things were far more secure than anywhere else.
Mouse was in there with her, had been for a while. Morpheus shifted his weight and thought again about why he was waiting there; considered going up into the construct with Neo, but something kept him rooted. He knew the time was coming, that Mouse would no longer need his guidance, and that he would have to let go of the child's metaphorical hand and let him walk alone. Morpheus was finding it uncharacteristically hard to let go.
When did Mouse stop being the silent child wrapped in gray blankets? When did he stop being the eager, curious student and start becoming the brilliant visual programmer he was? When had Mouse come to stand on this threshold of manhood, and where had Morpheus been all that time?
The door opened and Mouse stepped out, leaning against the door after it closed behind him.
The boy looked up at his impressive guardian. "You're still here. Astral's, uh.napping. I stayed with her until she fell asleep." Mouse allowed for a small, shy smile.
"And?" Morpheus prompted.
Mouse bit his lip. With a cocky smirk and a voice dripping with teenaged confidence (that didn't quite hide the childish insecurity hidden within), he spoke: "She said yes. 'F course."
--
One month later.
Somewhere in the nasal-drip inducing environment of the Nebuchadnezzer, amid nauseating fluorescent lights and metal grating floors, Switch had her gardens. Her pride and joy. It was here where the crew had elected to have Mouse and Astral's makeshift wedding. Switch smiled as she gently touched the timid white flowers she had set up at the front of the room. These were the first ones Mouse had planted, under her watch, at about nine years old. That they had survived this long was a feat of indescribable proportions, and Switch sighed as she wondered when, exactly, Mouse had grown up.
Neo leaned against the wall on the opposite site of the gardens, watching Switch work with Trinity in bringing a little beauty to the stagnant gray room.
He was getting a little sick of watching Trinity from a distance and being the neutral friend when she was near, sick of near hits and far misses whenever he attempted to get her attention. Neo didn't flirt much when he was in the Matrix. He didn't relate too well with people and didn't talk much at all. Well, he didn't talk much to anyone here either, but he felt he related with Trinity at least a little.
If Neo had a more complex thought process - that is to say, if he stressed himself out and was so self-absorbed so as to needlessly overanalyze his feelings and options before doing anything - he would have dismissed his feelings for Trinity long ago. He was in a new environment, and though he had been there almost a year, and could wrap his head around the logistics of the Matrix and his existence in the Now, it was the lifestyle he was still adjusting too. He was naturally inclined towards women, and of the two on the ship, Trinity had showed him kindness and patience while Switch, though she was very nice, was more distant and insensitive towards him. Besides, to the best of his knowledge, Switch was taken, while Trinity was refreshingly and adamantly independent.which he admired.
But Neo didn't see his life through the eyes of a playwright or a psychiatrist. He didn't pretend to be something he wasn't by talking himself out of his emotions. He knew what he felt and he liked Trinity. But battling emotions of homesickness and anger at the whole human situation, in addition to his natural antisocial shyness, made him coy and withdrawn, leaving Trinity to do the pursuing. And Neo wasn't even sure if she was pursuing him or if she was just as confused as he was, or if it was a joke she was playing on him as it turns out she's not a very nice person at all. His insecurities borne from a childhood in solitude caused him to suffer in silence and wait to see what would happen if it were the last option. He refused to let himself get upset over some girl who wasn't even interested. And if she wasn't interested.well, living on a ship like the Nebuchadnezzer for as long as she had would make anyone crazy.
Trinity smiled at him from across the room and he smiled back, shyly. She wiped the inferior soil on her pants, catching some under her worn nails, and approached him.
"Hey. What have you been up to?"
"Oh.uh, nothing. Just hanging around. Waiting for.y'know." Neo gestured at the meager set up before them. "Trinity? Do you ever.y'know.miss living in the Matrix?"
"Pfft. No." Trinity had not as yet told Neo, or anyone else except Morpheus for that matter, of her past in the Matrix, and few were left aboard who remembered the hell of a time she had adjusting to the Neb.
"Oh. Well.I dunno, one of my cousins got married when I was a kid, I was the ring bearer, and, y'know.this just reminded me and sort of bummed me out." He avoided her eyes and stared out at Switch arranging her hydroponically grown plants.
"Well.you know, Neo, if you ever need to talk about anything-"
"I'm fine. S'ok. Really." Neo hastily backed off, suddenly frightened by her interest, suddenly too close to human contact for comfort. He walked off, quickly.
Trinity watched his back retreating down the impersonal corridors and sighed.
"Ain't that a stab in the back?" Came a sadly familiar voice from behind her. "You offer a nice and obvious invitation and you get slapped away. Hurts, don't it?"
"Shut up, Cypher."
"Hey, calm down, honey." Cypher swung around so he was in front of her in the doorway. "You know you only want him 'cause Morpheus thinks he's the One. Morpheus could be wrong, you know. He's been wrong before."
"That's not true."
"What? That you only want the One or that Morpheus might be wrong?"
"Both of them." Trinity held that impassive mask of emotions on her face that she had picked up from Morpheus so long ago she couldn't even remember doing it. "Frigg off, Cypher, you've never loved anything in your life."
Trinity brushed past Cypher, who for his part was just a little shocked by what she had said. She was probably right about his not loving anything, but he was just teasing. He didn't imagine that what she had for Neo was actually serious. If anything, the knowledge that some punk like Neo could make a babe like Trinity have it so bad made his stagnating anger worse.
Cypher turned and looked at where Trinity had been, wrapping his arms around his solid frame a little tighter. When had the ship gotten so cold? He allowed himself a small, bitter smirk at the thought of the coming day when he'd be warm again, and walked off to the mess.
--
Mouse sat across Astral in the relative darkness of.her.cabin, holding her hands gently.
The ceremony was over, had been for a while, but the two could sit together on the small dingy cot forever if it were possible. At least, that's how Mouse felt. The wedding was originally supposed to be a small affair, with just the Neb's crew and Jolix there to give Astral away. Of course, Jolix had gotten carried away and organized a bigger affair with the rest of the Predator's crew (which was considerably larger than Morpheus') and a few close friends from other ships who were lucky enough to be docked with the Predator at the time. Now, in the mess and garden, the ceileih that Jolix was determined to throw for a week raged on while the couple sat silently, 'enjoying each other's company' on the solitude of the cabin down by the engine room.
"I love you," Mouse said, eventually, softly, tracing the iron ring he had welded himself on her hand.
"I love you too," She said back, soft enough that only he could hear. They both knew they were probably too young to know what love really was, but they took comfort in the fact that whatever they felt for each other, it was reciprocated.
Astral was heavy with child now, and though she didn't let it on, it was wearing her out more than she anticipated. No young girl ever imagines pregnancy or motherhood to be what it truly is, a grueling test of strength and endurance- especially in an environment where it was hard to eat your fill, and clean water was scarce.
But, Astral thought in her self-shaming way that had prevented her from becoming another make-up wearing magazine reading teenaged bitch she hated so much somewhere in the Matrix some poor girl is doing it with nothing.
Mouse was worried about her. It had been a chilling moment when he realized he was worried about her, he was already scared to death about taking care of a baby, he was already scared of Agents and Squids and getting sick and waking up back in the workhouse and not having enough food one day. Though only Morpheus couldn't even guess at those fears. It was the moment when he realized that growing up was more of a bitch than people let on, that these were the first real steps of becoming a real man, and being a real man isn't all it's cracked up to be. Mouse ran his knuckled down Astral's soft cheeks, amazed at the frailty of her bones. How could she possibly be carrying another human life inside of her? She was way too skinny to be believably pregnant.the baby looked like it was going to be way too small. Just like Mouse. And Mouse was the one who did this to her.
Mouse didn't voice any of his worries though, seeing Astral's unspoken weariness and pain already, seeing the way she got so tired so fast, seeing the discomfort in her every move. He saw how much she missed her family, how much she had wanted them to be there for what was supposed to be a special day. But he didn't say anything of his own fears. He was supposed to be strong for her- that's what men did.
So he just leaned in and kissed her cheek softly and told her that he loved her.
--
Even though there was a ceileih in the mess and garden, and it sounded like a lot of fun, and there were probably lots of cute young men there, Tank sat at the operating terminal and watched the scrolling green code of the Matrix, as alive to him as flesh and blood. He was brooding when a certain Canadian with the funniest accent he had ever heard came up behind him.
"Tank, y'perv, what the hell y'doin'?"
"Oh, God, Jolix." Tank, startled, drifted off as the Predator's young captain settled himself into a seat next to him, with a bottle of moonshine and a puckish grin upon his face.
"So, what've ye been up to? Watching Astral's bye?" Jolix flicked his head at the screens, where the terminal was listening in on Inger.who was sleeping.
"I.It's just.he's so nice when he's asleep." Tank looked up shyly at Jolix. "I.hope you don't think I'm sick or something. I.I change it when.y'know."
Jolix took a swig of his moonshine and just looked at Tank.
"Oh God," Tank broke. "Did you know that when you were still on the Neb I had the biggest crush on you?"
"I know."
It was hard for Tank to be saying this. He hastily turned back to the screens. "I don't know how Cypher can do this for entertainment." He reached out and touched the coding, gingerly, his fingertips leaving the slightest imprints on the display before they evened out. "I mean.Inger's such a sweet kid and such bad things happen to him. And.it doesn't even have a point 'cause it's not real. And I can't do anything."
"Even if ye could.if the bye were on t'ship.would ye do anythin' t'en? I means.he's still a kid."
Tank sat silent for a moment, staring at the screen. "I guess you're right."
"I'se always right, bye."
"So, what, did you come here to make fun of me or something?"
"Oh.no, no, my Christ, don't ever think that, Tank." Jolix leaned forward, uncomfortably close. "What ye're feelin' for Astral's bye, that's not.yuir not in love, for frig's sake. He's.he's just someone cute 'n little that ye're fond of. Like." Jolix shifted, a little uncomfortable. "Like ye were just Dozer's li'l brother, bye, just a tag along. Cute kid, though. But now.now, ye're all grown up."
Tank lifted an eyebrow. "So what're you say-" He was cut off by shock when Jolix placed a rough, quick kiss on his lips.
"I'se saying I care about ye, ye dumb fuck, even if ye don' think so." Jolix stood, matter-of-factly. "Now are ye goin' ta join us or what?"
"In a minute." Tank muttered, breathlessly, as Jolix walked off. Then, slowly, he turned and cast another sad glance at the Matrix, as the sweet boy who slept, oblivious, to the secrets surrounding him.
We all want a better life
I think I found you just in time
And I'm feeling so divine
we all want a better life
And I'm not going home
- "Balmes" Ian Pooley and Esthero.
Morpheus stood in the cold, impersonal corridors of the Nebuchadnezzer. The hall was silent save for the low, constant hum and thrum of the ship's engines and the EM pulse cannons charging.
A little ways down, closer to the warmth of the engine room, was the tiny gray enclave where the crew had set Astral up. The cabin was the safest in the event of a Squid attack; down in the dark black belly of the ship things were far more secure than anywhere else.
Mouse was in there with her, had been for a while. Morpheus shifted his weight and thought again about why he was waiting there; considered going up into the construct with Neo, but something kept him rooted. He knew the time was coming, that Mouse would no longer need his guidance, and that he would have to let go of the child's metaphorical hand and let him walk alone. Morpheus was finding it uncharacteristically hard to let go.
When did Mouse stop being the silent child wrapped in gray blankets? When did he stop being the eager, curious student and start becoming the brilliant visual programmer he was? When had Mouse come to stand on this threshold of manhood, and where had Morpheus been all that time?
The door opened and Mouse stepped out, leaning against the door after it closed behind him.
The boy looked up at his impressive guardian. "You're still here. Astral's, uh.napping. I stayed with her until she fell asleep." Mouse allowed for a small, shy smile.
"And?" Morpheus prompted.
Mouse bit his lip. With a cocky smirk and a voice dripping with teenaged confidence (that didn't quite hide the childish insecurity hidden within), he spoke: "She said yes. 'F course."
--
One month later.
Somewhere in the nasal-drip inducing environment of the Nebuchadnezzer, amid nauseating fluorescent lights and metal grating floors, Switch had her gardens. Her pride and joy. It was here where the crew had elected to have Mouse and Astral's makeshift wedding. Switch smiled as she gently touched the timid white flowers she had set up at the front of the room. These were the first ones Mouse had planted, under her watch, at about nine years old. That they had survived this long was a feat of indescribable proportions, and Switch sighed as she wondered when, exactly, Mouse had grown up.
Neo leaned against the wall on the opposite site of the gardens, watching Switch work with Trinity in bringing a little beauty to the stagnant gray room.
He was getting a little sick of watching Trinity from a distance and being the neutral friend when she was near, sick of near hits and far misses whenever he attempted to get her attention. Neo didn't flirt much when he was in the Matrix. He didn't relate too well with people and didn't talk much at all. Well, he didn't talk much to anyone here either, but he felt he related with Trinity at least a little.
If Neo had a more complex thought process - that is to say, if he stressed himself out and was so self-absorbed so as to needlessly overanalyze his feelings and options before doing anything - he would have dismissed his feelings for Trinity long ago. He was in a new environment, and though he had been there almost a year, and could wrap his head around the logistics of the Matrix and his existence in the Now, it was the lifestyle he was still adjusting too. He was naturally inclined towards women, and of the two on the ship, Trinity had showed him kindness and patience while Switch, though she was very nice, was more distant and insensitive towards him. Besides, to the best of his knowledge, Switch was taken, while Trinity was refreshingly and adamantly independent.which he admired.
But Neo didn't see his life through the eyes of a playwright or a psychiatrist. He didn't pretend to be something he wasn't by talking himself out of his emotions. He knew what he felt and he liked Trinity. But battling emotions of homesickness and anger at the whole human situation, in addition to his natural antisocial shyness, made him coy and withdrawn, leaving Trinity to do the pursuing. And Neo wasn't even sure if she was pursuing him or if she was just as confused as he was, or if it was a joke she was playing on him as it turns out she's not a very nice person at all. His insecurities borne from a childhood in solitude caused him to suffer in silence and wait to see what would happen if it were the last option. He refused to let himself get upset over some girl who wasn't even interested. And if she wasn't interested.well, living on a ship like the Nebuchadnezzer for as long as she had would make anyone crazy.
Trinity smiled at him from across the room and he smiled back, shyly. She wiped the inferior soil on her pants, catching some under her worn nails, and approached him.
"Hey. What have you been up to?"
"Oh.uh, nothing. Just hanging around. Waiting for.y'know." Neo gestured at the meager set up before them. "Trinity? Do you ever.y'know.miss living in the Matrix?"
"Pfft. No." Trinity had not as yet told Neo, or anyone else except Morpheus for that matter, of her past in the Matrix, and few were left aboard who remembered the hell of a time she had adjusting to the Neb.
"Oh. Well.I dunno, one of my cousins got married when I was a kid, I was the ring bearer, and, y'know.this just reminded me and sort of bummed me out." He avoided her eyes and stared out at Switch arranging her hydroponically grown plants.
"Well.you know, Neo, if you ever need to talk about anything-"
"I'm fine. S'ok. Really." Neo hastily backed off, suddenly frightened by her interest, suddenly too close to human contact for comfort. He walked off, quickly.
Trinity watched his back retreating down the impersonal corridors and sighed.
"Ain't that a stab in the back?" Came a sadly familiar voice from behind her. "You offer a nice and obvious invitation and you get slapped away. Hurts, don't it?"
"Shut up, Cypher."
"Hey, calm down, honey." Cypher swung around so he was in front of her in the doorway. "You know you only want him 'cause Morpheus thinks he's the One. Morpheus could be wrong, you know. He's been wrong before."
"That's not true."
"What? That you only want the One or that Morpheus might be wrong?"
"Both of them." Trinity held that impassive mask of emotions on her face that she had picked up from Morpheus so long ago she couldn't even remember doing it. "Frigg off, Cypher, you've never loved anything in your life."
Trinity brushed past Cypher, who for his part was just a little shocked by what she had said. She was probably right about his not loving anything, but he was just teasing. He didn't imagine that what she had for Neo was actually serious. If anything, the knowledge that some punk like Neo could make a babe like Trinity have it so bad made his stagnating anger worse.
Cypher turned and looked at where Trinity had been, wrapping his arms around his solid frame a little tighter. When had the ship gotten so cold? He allowed himself a small, bitter smirk at the thought of the coming day when he'd be warm again, and walked off to the mess.
--
Mouse sat across Astral in the relative darkness of.her.cabin, holding her hands gently.
The ceremony was over, had been for a while, but the two could sit together on the small dingy cot forever if it were possible. At least, that's how Mouse felt. The wedding was originally supposed to be a small affair, with just the Neb's crew and Jolix there to give Astral away. Of course, Jolix had gotten carried away and organized a bigger affair with the rest of the Predator's crew (which was considerably larger than Morpheus') and a few close friends from other ships who were lucky enough to be docked with the Predator at the time. Now, in the mess and garden, the ceileih that Jolix was determined to throw for a week raged on while the couple sat silently, 'enjoying each other's company' on the solitude of the cabin down by the engine room.
"I love you," Mouse said, eventually, softly, tracing the iron ring he had welded himself on her hand.
"I love you too," She said back, soft enough that only he could hear. They both knew they were probably too young to know what love really was, but they took comfort in the fact that whatever they felt for each other, it was reciprocated.
Astral was heavy with child now, and though she didn't let it on, it was wearing her out more than she anticipated. No young girl ever imagines pregnancy or motherhood to be what it truly is, a grueling test of strength and endurance- especially in an environment where it was hard to eat your fill, and clean water was scarce.
But, Astral thought in her self-shaming way that had prevented her from becoming another make-up wearing magazine reading teenaged bitch she hated so much somewhere in the Matrix some poor girl is doing it with nothing.
Mouse was worried about her. It had been a chilling moment when he realized he was worried about her, he was already scared to death about taking care of a baby, he was already scared of Agents and Squids and getting sick and waking up back in the workhouse and not having enough food one day. Though only Morpheus couldn't even guess at those fears. It was the moment when he realized that growing up was more of a bitch than people let on, that these were the first real steps of becoming a real man, and being a real man isn't all it's cracked up to be. Mouse ran his knuckled down Astral's soft cheeks, amazed at the frailty of her bones. How could she possibly be carrying another human life inside of her? She was way too skinny to be believably pregnant.the baby looked like it was going to be way too small. Just like Mouse. And Mouse was the one who did this to her.
Mouse didn't voice any of his worries though, seeing Astral's unspoken weariness and pain already, seeing the way she got so tired so fast, seeing the discomfort in her every move. He saw how much she missed her family, how much she had wanted them to be there for what was supposed to be a special day. But he didn't say anything of his own fears. He was supposed to be strong for her- that's what men did.
So he just leaned in and kissed her cheek softly and told her that he loved her.
--
Even though there was a ceileih in the mess and garden, and it sounded like a lot of fun, and there were probably lots of cute young men there, Tank sat at the operating terminal and watched the scrolling green code of the Matrix, as alive to him as flesh and blood. He was brooding when a certain Canadian with the funniest accent he had ever heard came up behind him.
"Tank, y'perv, what the hell y'doin'?"
"Oh, God, Jolix." Tank, startled, drifted off as the Predator's young captain settled himself into a seat next to him, with a bottle of moonshine and a puckish grin upon his face.
"So, what've ye been up to? Watching Astral's bye?" Jolix flicked his head at the screens, where the terminal was listening in on Inger.who was sleeping.
"I.It's just.he's so nice when he's asleep." Tank looked up shyly at Jolix. "I.hope you don't think I'm sick or something. I.I change it when.y'know."
Jolix took a swig of his moonshine and just looked at Tank.
"Oh God," Tank broke. "Did you know that when you were still on the Neb I had the biggest crush on you?"
"I know."
It was hard for Tank to be saying this. He hastily turned back to the screens. "I don't know how Cypher can do this for entertainment." He reached out and touched the coding, gingerly, his fingertips leaving the slightest imprints on the display before they evened out. "I mean.Inger's such a sweet kid and such bad things happen to him. And.it doesn't even have a point 'cause it's not real. And I can't do anything."
"Even if ye could.if the bye were on t'ship.would ye do anythin' t'en? I means.he's still a kid."
Tank sat silent for a moment, staring at the screen. "I guess you're right."
"I'se always right, bye."
"So, what, did you come here to make fun of me or something?"
"Oh.no, no, my Christ, don't ever think that, Tank." Jolix leaned forward, uncomfortably close. "What ye're feelin' for Astral's bye, that's not.yuir not in love, for frig's sake. He's.he's just someone cute 'n little that ye're fond of. Like." Jolix shifted, a little uncomfortable. "Like ye were just Dozer's li'l brother, bye, just a tag along. Cute kid, though. But now.now, ye're all grown up."
Tank lifted an eyebrow. "So what're you say-" He was cut off by shock when Jolix placed a rough, quick kiss on his lips.
"I'se saying I care about ye, ye dumb fuck, even if ye don' think so." Jolix stood, matter-of-factly. "Now are ye goin' ta join us or what?"
"In a minute." Tank muttered, breathlessly, as Jolix walked off. Then, slowly, he turned and cast another sad glance at the Matrix, as the sweet boy who slept, oblivious, to the secrets surrounding him.
