Warnings: Shonen-ai, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide.

Notes: Okay a few things here. This story takes place a little more than five years after Yuki and Shuichi first met so most things that seem OOC can probably be explained with that, at least in my head. Time changes people and people changes people… The disease I use in this fic is sticking to the truth as far as possible, however I have probably hurried up some things with it. Now a few of the outcomes are very unusual today due to the progress in treatments but since I'm a writer I've taken the liberty of simply ignoring that. And if you thought I would just give you the disease in question you are so wrong *hehe*. The same goes for other medical stuff that appears. I've tried to keep it as close to reality as I can but I'm only human.

What else? Ah of course. Writing in Italic are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible.

And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*

WHEREVER I MIGHT BE

Chapter 2. Left Behind

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Present date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yuki sighed and returned to reality for a while. Slowly he left his chair and started pacing the empty apartment. After having walked back and forth for about ten minutes he stopped infront of the stereo and put on a CD. The soft voice that sang to him usually managed to ease his mind slightly. It was one of BadLuck's hits, a rather sad ballad about lovers left behind, not at all what he wanted to hear. The novelist frowned and chose another song. Shuichi's powerfull voice filled the apartment along with the perky music. Satisified with the music Yuki drifted back in time again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A year ago…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Morons!" Eiri snarled as he pushed his way through the crowd. He really hated walking through moving carpets of people especially when he was in a hurry. His plane had been three hours late and the novelist was on his last nerve, ready to punch in the next face he saw. When he finally left the airport he sighed with relief. "Now where's Touma?" he muttered and looked around. His brother-in-law had promised to pick him up. Frowning Yuki realized that no one was there to get him. Growling and annoyed beyond himself he waved for a cab and almost pulled the door straight from the side of the car in his eager to get inside. He gave the driver the adress home and leaned back. I'm gonna have Touma's head for this, Yuki promised himself as the cab took him home. And after I've done that I'm gonna spend a week in bed with Shuichi! The novelist grinned at that thought. He had missed his lover like crazy and was still a bit concerned since he hadn't heard a pip from him. Well if the vocalist had recovered from the flu he probably was kept hostage at the studio by K. Yuki rolled his eyes when he thought about his lover's manager.
"Crazy gun-waving american," he muttered out loud. The driver pulled up outside his building and the blonde paid before hurrying inside. With a smile on his face he unlocked the door and almost tripped over the pile of mail lying on the floor. "Hm that's odd," he frowned and bent over to pick it up. Still frowning he closed the door behind him and looked around. Something wasn't normal with their apartment. It felt as if everything had been moved. "Shuichi?" No answer. Yuki searched through the apartment just to realize that his lover wasn't there. This doesn't feel right, he sighed inside, something's wrong. The blonde stopped in the bedroom and looked around. Again he got the feeling that everything had been moved even though it looked like every single thing was where it should be. Frowning Yuki walked over to his bedside table and pulled out on of the drawers. His frown deepened when he saw that the things inside had been rearanged "Who the hell did this?" he asked out loud and threw his coat on the bed. "Shuichi?" No, his lover would never go through his things, especially not the things in that drawer. The doorbell rang and distracted him from his questions.

Yuki stared at the man standing outside his door. For a moment he just wanted to rip his head off but decided against it and stepped aside.
"I hoped you be home by now Eiri." The other man came in and sat down.
"Weren't you suppose to pick me up at the airport?" the novelist asked flatly and glared at his brother-in-law.
"Eiri something happened while you were out of town. I tried to reach you but…"
"Cut the bullshit Touma! Where is Shuichi and who the hell has gone through the apartment?" The smaller blonde lowered his face to the floor and sighed deeply.
"The cops went through your apartment. They've been trying to find Shindou-san for four days." Yuki sank down on the couch and shook his head.
"What do you mean find Shuichi? Where is he?"
"We don't know Eiri, he disappeared the day after you left. The police thinks that he might have been kidnapt or…" Touma didn't end his sentence but both men knew what he meant. Yuki let out a whimper and hugged himself. It had been more than four years since that awful day when Aizawa had gotten his hands on Shuichi and raped him but the memories were still fresh and so was the fear that it would happen again. "Eiri we don't know if anything happened to him at all maybe he just… forgot to tell anyone where he was going?" The novelist looked up and gave his brother-in-law a desperate look.
"Forgot?" Yuki mumbled. "He's left me. I should have seen it coming… He's been acting so strange lately." The novelist wasn't talking to the older man anymore, he was just rambling. "That's why he refused to sleep in the same bed as me, that's why I wasn't allowed to touch him. Shuichi doesn't love me anymore, he's left me." A hand shook him and managed to snap Yuki back to reality.
"Eiri get a grip on yourself. Shindou-san loves you more than anything so there has to be some other explanation. You go make us some tea and I'll call the police and see if they've found anything," Touma said with his soft voice. Unable to do anything but obey Yuki nodded and headed for the kitchen. Not really knowing what he was doing he put water on the stove and got the tea-caddy. When the water was boiling he pulled it aside and opened the caddy. Something was in the way. Instead of reaching the spoon that should be inside his fingers got a hold of a piece of paper.
"What's this?" Confused he stared at the paper, it had his name written on it. The sloppy kanji it was written in informed Yuki that it was from Shuichi.
"Eiri is that tea ready yet?" Touma asked and came up to him.
"He, he left me a note in the tea-caddy," the novelist mumbled lost in utter confusion.
"Aren't you going to read it?" If Yuki hadn't been so unfocust and worried he would have noticed the strange tone in Touma's voice.

My dear Yuki,

I'm sorry I left without saying good bye and I'm sorry for hiding the note but I knew that the police would go through the apartment when everybody realized that I was gone. I haven't left you for good Yuki and I will be back. I just have to go away for a few months, six at the most. After that I'll be back and I'll explain everything to you. Just don't try to find me, please Yuki. You'll understand when I return. If you don't belive me check the apartment, I haven't taken all my things with me. I love you more than anything and I'll miss you so much. See you when I get back.

Shuichi

Eiri frowned and read it again. His brain had started to work again and it didn't take long before he put two and two together.
"So Touma when did he tell you he was leaving?" the novelist asked with a hard tone in his cold voice. His brother-in-law smiled slightly at him.
"What makes you think he told me anything?"
"I don't drink tea Touma! You told me to make tea so that I would find the note, didn't you?" Touma shook his head. "Don't lie to me" the taller blonde spat out with anger.
"Eiri take it easy. Yes Shindou-san told me where the note was."
"When did he tell you he was leaving?!"
"He told be two days before I talked you into going on that promotion tour."
"Talked me into? You set me up, didn't you? You and Shuichi did that so I wouldn't be home when he left, didn't you?!?" Yuki roared.
"Yes Eiri we did. I didn't want to but Shindou-san made me promise not to tell you," Touma defended himself.
"So where is he?!" Yuki glared at the other man with hate. "Where the fuck is he!"
"I… I don't know. He wouldn't tell me. I drove him to the airport but I don't know which plane he took," Touma answered slowly. Eiri glared at him for a long time trying to decide if he was telling the truth or not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Present date
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yuki sighed and leaned back against the couch. Of course he had looked for Shuichi but he hadn't found a single clue to where his lover had gone. The cops called off their search after reading the note. It was after all not illegal to disappear, as long as you did it of your own free will. Touma presisted that he knew nothing of Shuichi's whereabouts and Eiri had no other choice than to believe him. The novelist shuddered. His life had been hell as he had waited for his lover to return from wherever he had been. But it was nothing compared to the hell he had had to live in ever since he found the truth. A truth he spent so much time denying, trying to hide from. Carefully he rose and picked up a videotape from a shelf and slowly caressed it. His eyes stared at it with a longing few people understood and even fewer would believe was sane. For the third time that day, night or was it perhaps morning, his mind wandered back in time.

~TBC~

By: Atsureki

Note: I have no idea if Yuki drinks tea but that damn note caused me so much problem. The tea-caddy was the only damn place I could think of that a team of cops wouldn't check. *bah* So for my sake please pretend that Yuki Eiri doesn't drink tea. *rolls eyes at herself* I have him signed down as a beer and coffee person.