Warnings: Shonen-ai, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide.

Notes: Okay a few things here. This story takes place a little more than five years after Yuki and Shuichi first met so most things that seem OOC can probably be explained with that, at least in my head. Time changes people and people changes people… The disease I use in this fic is sticking to the truth as far as possible, however I have probably hurried up some things with it. Now a few of the outcomes are very unusual today due to the progress in treatments but since I'm a writer I've taken the liberty of simply ignoring that. And if you thought I would just give you the disease in question you are so wrong *hehe*. The same goes for other medical stuff that appears. I've tried to keep it as close to reality as I can but I'm only human.

What else? Ah of course. Writing in Italic are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible.

And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*

WHEREVER I MIGHT BE

Chapter 3. One Side Of The Truth

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Six month ago…
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"It's been six months now so where's Shuichi?" The novelist met the eyes that stared at him.
"I don't know, I haven't heard anything from him Hiro," he answered with a tiny flare of annoyance in his voice.
"And you still don't know why he left?" his lover's best friend asked with worry.
"I don't know more than you do." A soft knock on the door interrupted their conversation. "Yes?" Eiri asked after opening the door.
"Are you Uesugi Eiri-san?" the young boy asked.
"Yes, how can I help you?"
"I have a delivery for you. Please sign here," the boy said and handed him a clipboard. The novelist signed it and was handed a parcel.
"Thank you," Yuki mumbled and gave the delivery-boy some money.
"Have a good day," the boy smiled and left. Eiri closed the door and went back to the living room. Slowly he opened the parcel and looked at the videotape that it contained along with a short note.
"What's that?" Hiro asked and observed the strange look on the novelist's face.
"It's… it's from Shuichi." The note was short and hard to read since the handwriting was so shaky.
"What does it say?"
"I'm sorry Yuki, just watch the tape," the blonde read out loud and hugged the casette. "That's it?" Eiri nodded and loaded the VCR. Filled with bad feelings he turned on the TV and pushed play. For a moment all they could see was blackness but then Shuichi showed up, piled up against pillows in a bed. The vocalist looked awfull. He was thin, pale and sweaty. At first he didn't look into the camera but when he did he showed them lavender eyes, shining with fever and framed by black circles. It was without a doubt the picture of a very sick person.
"Hi Yuki. I'm real sorry I just disappeared like that and I'm even more sorry that I sent you a tape instead of calling or telling you face to face, but this is so hard to say and now I really don't have any other choice," Shuichi said with his voice hoarse and thin. "Do you remember when you sent me to the doctor because of my cough?" Even though it was just a recording Eiri nodded. "You were right Yuki it wasn't just a cold, and it wasn't the flu. Sorry I lied to you about that, but I just couldn't tell you the truth. I went to the hospital several times and didn't tell you. I… I…" the thin voice broke off in coughs and a young woman dressed as a nurse showed up. She patted the vocalist's back and wiped his forehead with a towel. Shuichi's face twisted into a mask of pure pain as the coughing got worse and worse. Then suddenly his lips were colored red and the white blanket covering him spotted in the same color. The blood Shuichi coughed up sprayed everything with red dots and the nurse just calmly wiped it off.
"Shuichi," Eiri sobbed and reached out to his lover's picture on the TV. After a while the coughing stopped and the nurse disappeared again.
"Sorry about that," the vocalist panted and tried to catch his breath again. "I was diagnosed with tuberculosis in both lungs and Doctor Nakayama sent me to a clinic in England for treatment. That's where I've been all this time. Unfortanelly I haven't been responding all that well to the treatment, instead I've gotten worse and the disease has spread to my spine. My lungs are damaged and that's why I'm coughing up so much blood." Shuchi started coughing again but this time the camera was turned off after a few moments.
"I didn't think TB existed here anymore," Hiro suddenly said with fear in his voice and Yuki turned to look at him.
"Neither did I," the novelist answered with tears in his eyes. The picture changed and Shuichi appeared again looking even worse, but in a diffrent way that Eiri couldn't put his finger on.
"Again I'm sorry for the interruptions. As I said I'm not doing too well which is why you've recieved this tape Yuki. It's May 15 today and… if…" Shuichi's voice broke off and tears stared trailing down his pale cheeks. Eiri let out a low whimper and again reached out as if to touch the fragile man's face. "Yuki I made this tape because I'm scared. I'm so tired, so sick and I don't want to leave you without explaining everything. So if you're looking at this tape it means that I didn't make it. The clinic promised me to send this to you if I… die." The apartment was suddenly filled with a heartbreaking scream. Hiro stared at the blonde writer.
"NO! No don't take him from me!! Please no!!" Eiri screamed and rushed over to the TV as if he somehow could change what he had heard.
"Yuki I'm so sorry, I didn't think it would end like this. I'm begging you to go and see Doctor Nakayama as soon as you can. I don't know when I was infected and I don't know if I spread it to you. I'll always love you, wherever I might be," Shuichi cried and reached out towards the camera with longing. "I know I shouldn't ask you but please Yuki, tell Hiro I miss him. He's is my best friend and I love him dearly." The auburn haired man hid his face in his hands and cried quietly at his friend's words. "I have to stop this now… I am so sorry Yuki, so very sorry. It was never my intention to cause you so much pain. I'll love you, always," the vocalist ended and then the TV went black and silent.

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Present date
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Eiri's body shook as he cried. Shuichi was gone, forever. Never again would he hear that cheerful voice call his name, feel his lover's soft touch. Yuki hugged himself and rested his forehead against his knees. It had been six months since that day and still he couldn't move on, go back to living. Shuichi had sent a letter to Touma who had taken it upon himself to inform BadLuck's fans about what had happened. BadLuck's faith had been sealed and the fans were crushed. That's how much the really cared about their idols, the novelist sobbed to himself. They didn't give a shit about Shu's death, they only cared about the fact that there would be no more songs, no more albums.

But it wasn't just Eiri who was devastated. Nakano Hiroshi had known and loved Shuichi for most of his life and the unexpected news of his death had smashed the guitarist to pieces. Just like Yuki, Hiro couldn't find any way back to life. They both loved Shuichi in the same way even if the vocalist only had returned that love towards one of them. One death had ruined three humans and only one of those three would be spared from the pain, only Shindou Shuichi would be free from that hurt.
"No, no," Eiri muttered out loud and swallowed back his tears. His mind switched like it had so many times before. "Shu isn't really gone, he's still out there, isn't he?" he asked the only one he usually talked to, the floor. "When do you think he'll come back? Today? Tomorrow?" The floor didn't give him any certain answers but then it didn't disagree with him either. "Shu will come back and then everything will be fine, won't it?" Again the floor kept silent and by doing so it agreed. A knock on the frontdoor pulled Yuki back to reality or at least closer to reality. With a tired sigh he got up and padded over to the door.
"Shuichi?" he asked with hope as he opened.
"Eiri," a soft voice said and Touma entered. "It's only me."

Touma sighed and looked at his brother-in-law. Some days Yuki seemed almost normal, some days he was simply unreliable but most days… he was jumping between complete insanity and the deepest pitches of agonizing sorrow. It's the latter today, the older man mumbled inside his head.
"You can come in but you'll have to leave when Shu gets here," the novelist nodded. It was days like those that really broke Touma's heart. He couldn't stand seeing his brother-in-law desperatly trying to ignore the fact that Shuichi wasn't coming back, couldn't come back.
"Eiri you have to snap out of this. Shindou-san is gone, he's not coming back. Don't you see what you're doing to yourself?" Golden eyes glared at him with hate but somewhere behind that hate Touma could see that Yuki knew that Shuichi really was gone.
"Why Touma? Why did they have to take him? He was all I had! The only one I've ever loved! Why did they have to take him from me!?" the writer screamed with pain and hugged himself tightly as he cried.
"I don't know Eiri, I don't know," Touma sighed and patted the taller man on the shoulder. With a whimper Yuki threw himself at his brother-in-law, clinged to him like a child. "Eiri you have to do something or you're going to go under. I have a suggestion…" The novelist pushed himself away from the shorter blonde and glared at him with tearfilled eyes.
"Give me one reason to live Touma! One reason!" He had switched modes again, now he was angry and cold.
"What do you think Shindou-san would say if he could see you now? Do you think he'd be happy knowing that he killed you when he went away? You know he did it to save you from all this." His words caused Yuki to wince. "He loved you more than anything in this world and now you're repaying that love by just giving up on life?" I can't believe I'm saying this, Touma moaned inside. I'm trying to save him by making him feel guitly.

He walked slowly, limping, lost in thoughts. His back had a slight hump and his face was shadowed with hurt. For a moment he stopped and looked up at the dark sky.
"Why did I do this?" he asked himself out loud and lowered his head to stare at his hands. "Why?" Of course he knew the answer but he didn't want to hear it. Suddenly his face showed a twisted smile. "I can still change it though, I can still make it all go away." With a low, almost insane, chuckle he glanced to his left before he nodded to himself. "Yes, yes, I'm going to make it all go away." A car raced towards him and with a grim smile on his lips he took a step forward. At first he thought he might have been too late but then he heard the screeching noise of tires trying to stop against asphalt. It felt like forever passed by before something hit him in the side and sent him flying through the air. His face was smashed against something hard and he could hear the sound of his bones breaking and then… everything started to fade to black. "I'll love you, wherever I might be," he sluddered before the darkness swallowed him up.

"Okay, I don't know how much more we can do here but… but let's get a plastic-surgeon down here. If he survives someone is going to have to rebuild his face. By the way do we have a name?" a tired voice mumbled. He tried to understand but the language the voice spoke wasn't one he knew well enough.
"Yes Dr. Craw. His ID says Shawn Child," a second voice said. He knew that the second person was female and the first one male but that was it. His eyes were shut and no matter how hard the tried he couldn't open them. "Dr. Craw I think he's awake."
"Damn!" Something sharp was forced into his arm and the blackness came back.

He slowly tried to open his eyes and almost panicked when he couldn't.
"Easy there Mr. Child. Try to lie still." Whoever it was that talked to him did it slow enough for him to understand. "I don't know how well you can understand me Mr Child but you were in a car accident. We've patched you up and you're a lot better now. But you're face is badly damaged and that's why you can't open your eyes or talk. You're jaws were broken on several places so we've had to secure them with wires. Now, there's a plastic-surgeon here to see you and he'll try to rebuild your face using the pictures in your wallet as a pattern." He didn't understand every word but he got the message. So he had failed again? Why could he never do anything right? And how the hell would these people know who in those pictures he was? With his luck they'd get it all wrong and he'd end up looking just like… He stopped his thinking. It was no time for those kind of memories. With a low gurlgle of sadness he again found himself being pulled back into complete darkness.

Yuki stared at sky outside the tiny window. Touma had talked him into doing this and the novelist wasn't sure he should be grateful or pissed off. His brother-in-law had refused to give up and finally Eiri had just agreed.
"Go to Los Angeles, take some time to think, forget about Shuichi…" he muttered under his breath and felt the familier stab of sorrow when he meantioned his lover's name. "Oh Shuichi… I'd do anything to see your face, to be able to hold you again." The plane was about to land so he slowly fastened his seatbelt and leaned back still thinking about his beloved pink haired brat. A bounce of the plane informed him that they were back on solid ground again.
"Excuse me Sir?" a soft voice said and pulled him away from his memories.
"Yes?" Yuki answered in english.
"Aren't you Yuki Eiri?" A young woman sat down beside him and smiled.
"No Miss. I'm not him," the blonde said coldly and shook his head.
"Are you sure? You look so much like him," the woman presisted. Yuki gritted his teeth and gave her a cold glare.
"What are you? Stupid? I said I wasn't him! Go to hell and leave me the fuck alone!" he snarled to her with hate. Stunned by his hard words she left him alone. Since Shuichi's death he had been switching moods faster then most people blinked but now he had settled for being even worse than he had ever been before. Anything could set him off and he spared no one from his anger, sorrow and devastation. Yuki sighed. He didn't even know if he was sane anymore, sometimes he really thought he could see Shuichi smiling at him. Maybe the trip wasn't such a bad idea after all? Touma had given him the number to an outstanding shrink in LA but the novelist wasn't thrilled about the thought of talking about his problems and feelings with a complete stranger. But then again… if he didn't do something about the situation he had been in for the past nine months he'd either go completely insane or end up killing himself, one way or another.

By: Atsureki