Warnings: Shonen-ai, Violence, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide.
Notes: This chapter has been edited slighty as a result of reviews. I'm not sure I like it the way it is now but um well… here it is.
What else? Ah of course. Writing in Italic are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible.
And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*
WHEREVER I MIGHT BE
Chapter 4. Another Side Of The Truth
"There you go Mr. Child. As good as new," the nurse said as she removed the last bandage that had been covering up his face. Please God let it be my face I see, he begged before he opened his eyes. To his relief his face looked rather normal, except for the new pinker skin, the slight swelling and the bruises around his eyes.
"I look younger," he studdered in english.
"Well it all depends on how old the pictures in your wallet are. Dr. Greymore had no way of knowing. But then looking a wee bit younger never killed anyone," the nurse smiled at him. He nodded slowly and frowned at his almost bald head covered with scars from surgery. "The hair will grow back in no time Mr. Child and it'll cover them up," the nurse added when she saw the disliking in his face.
"Don't call me that!" he muttered.
"Don't call you what?" He didn't answer. How could he forget? Shawn Child was his name now not… Stop it! You promised yourself that you'd never say your real name ever again! Suddenly he started crying.
"What have I done?!" he screamed through his tears. "How could I do this to him?!" He had gone back to japanese so the nurse stared at him in utter confusion. There were no answers to his questions, at least none that he wanted to hear. He really didn't want to admitt that he had done it all just because he was ashamed and scared. The hump on his back, the limping, the scars on and inside his body…Then there was the fact that he still could become ill at any moment. His disease was chronic and the next time it blossomed it might very well kill him, it had almost managed to do that the last time.
"Mr. Child are you alright?" the nurse asked with concern. He shook his head.
"I don't think I'll ever be alright again," he sighed with sadness again fighting with the english language.
"If you're talking about your disease there's no proof that it'll come back again. You might very well live your whole life without it ever becoming active again."
"Shawn?" a low voice asked and someone tapped his shoulder.
"Oh sorry. What did you say Dean?"
"I asked if you wanted to go back inside again," the young man beside him repeated.
"No thanks but you can go ahead, I want to sit here a little longer." Dean nodded and left him alone. In two weeks he would be free to leave the hospital but where would he go? He didn't know anyone besides Dean and the nurses who had cared for him. Tears filled up his eyes. "I want to go home," he sobbed. But he couldn't go home. No one knew he was alive, except one person, and he had caused his friends, family and… HIM enough pain as it was. "Oh Yuki I'm so sorry, so sorry I did this to you but… I don't want you to see me like this." That was what it always came down to. He didn't want to face his lover looking the way he did, didn't want to see pity in those golden eyes. The ugly hump on his back, the repulsive limp when he walked, the scars on his body, the fear of being pushed away in disgust. Besides he just wasn't the person he used to be anymore.
Yuki sighed and headed for the shade from the buildings. The shrink he had been seeing for weeks hadn't been able to change his ways but he had accepted that Shuichi was gone. Well actually he hadn't but he did understand that his lover wasn't coming back, he would never accept that Shuichi was dead though. Why can't I do that? he asked himself. Because it still feels like he's alive. His own answer scared him. Was he really that far gone? Was he so desperate that he actually thought that Shuichi was still alive? Yuki frowned deeply and stopped.
"But it doesn't feel like he's dead even if the pain is there," he said out loud. His cellphone rang and Eiri sighed as he picked it up to answer. "Yes?"
"Yuki," a low voice said on the other end. At first he didn't recognize it, for a moment it almost sounded like it was...
"Yes," he finally managed to say after pushing away his thoughts.
"I know it's been a long time and we haven't talked but I just assumed you wanted me to continue. You did say that you didn't want me to stop looking until I found something," the voice babbled with a brittish accent.
"That's right," he agreed.
"Well I have found something, at least I think I have, can't be sure though. However there is a slight problem. I'm in LA and I really need you to come over here." Eiri almost dropped the phone.
"Randy what do you mean you've found something?" he breathed into the phone.
"Yuki are you alright? I don't want to tell you this over the phone. How soon can you be in LA?" Randy asked.
"Um I'm already here. Where do you want to meet me?" Randy gave him an adress, a time and hung up. The first thing Yuki had done after pulling himself together after having watched the tape Shuichi had sent him had been getting in touch with a Private Investigator. Touma had put him in contact with Randy whom Eiri had sent to London to confirm that his lover really was dead, but he had never heard anything from Randy and drowning in sadness he had just forgotten about the whole thing.
Shawn limped his way home trying not to notice the people who stared after him. They all thought he was a freak that much was obvious and those who didn't think that looked at him with pity, which was even worse. Once upon a time I was a famous singer and now I'm… nothing but a freak, he mocked himself. I used to sing infront of thousands of people and now I wash dishes for a living! The tears that filled up his eyes refused to be pushed back. Washing dishes was the only job he could find since he wasn't all that great at the language, not to meantion that not many people were interested in having a hunchbacked cripple working for them. But the owner of the japanese restaurant didn't seem to care as long as he stayed in the kitchen. Shawn sighed and unlocked the door to his scabby apartment. If the rats and the cockraches had paid part of the rent he might be able to subdue the hunger that constantly burned inside of him but like all parasites they simply refused to chip in.
"Okay I'm home!" he said loudly and glared around. "Anyone with more legs than me better stay the hell away from me!" Neither rat or cockroach made any promises but at least he didn't see any of them. His life was hell or maybe worse than hell, it was hard to decide. All he knew was that he really wished he had died in that car accident, not that it had been an accident though. But than again, that was a mistake he could fix if he just could gather enough nerve again.
A suntanned arm waved at him and he headed towards it pushing people out of his way.
"Where does all this damn people come from?" he growled and sat down.
"This is LA," Randy shrugged. "Um Yuki do you mind if we did this in japanese?" The novelist frowned slightly but shook his head.
"Not at all," he answered and abandoned the english language.
"I'm not gonna beat around the bush here so… I spent months in London trying to find out something about Shindou but found nothing. The clinic confirmed the story we both heard. They even have a stone on their graveyard with Shindou's name on it," Randy babbled and put a few photos infront of Eiri. They were all of a round stone with Shuichi's name, date of birth and death on. The novelist closed his eyes when he saw the seven words underneth. I'LL LOVE YOU, WHEREVER I MIGHT BE. "Then I went to the airport in London. I must have showed a million people Shindou's picture but no one recognized him. Then I realized that if there was something fishy about this story he must have done something to hide who he really is, right?" Yuki looked up and nodded slightly. "So I had a friend of mine change his haircolor. When he was a brunette three of the people working there recognized him. A picture of a guy with pink hair sort of distracts people from looking at his face."
"What do you mean recognized him? He must have landed there when he went to London," Eiri objected.
"No, Shindou was flown to London in a private jet. Didn't you know?" Randy asked with confusion. The novelist shook his head. "That's odd." The PI mutterd to himself for a moment while he searched through his briefcase. "Ah here we go. That jet was rented by one Seguchi Touma, isn't that your brother-in-law?" Yuki suddenly felt sick to his stomach. Touma had lied to him all along.
"You mean Touma is involved in this?"
"Oh I'm not done yet," Randy chuckled and pulled up a few more papers. "Shindou picked up a reserved ticket at the airport, on June 5, three months before you recieved that tape. That ticket was paid for with a credit card belonging to one Seguchi Touma."
"Excuse me," Eiri croaked out and hurried inside the resaurant and into one of the bathroom stalls where he sunk to his knees and threw up. Touma had known all along. He had know that Shuichi wasn't dead, but why? Why would he lie about something that important? Yuki shakingly got off the floor and cleaned himself up. Trembling from disgust, anger and hate he went back to Randy.
"Are you okay Yuki?"
"No I'm not but continue," the novelist answered coldly.
"Okay. I have a tape from one of the airports here in LA, now I hope you understand that the fact that I have this tape means that I broke the law," Randy said firmly. "Anyways, take it and watch it carefully. I think you'll find Shindou on it, just remember that he's changed a lot. It's very likely that you won't like what you see. Ah I almost forgot, he's changed his name, the ticket was picked up by a…" Randy silenced for a moment to check his notes, "Ah there we have it, Shawn Child. One last thing before I go, Yuki. I don't want to hear a single question about how I know these things, is that understood?" Eiri gave him a confused look and nodded slowly. "Good, good. Call me if you need anything else."
He watched the tape again. Plenty of people walked back and forth but so far he hadn't seen anyone he recognized.
"Damn!" he cursed and started over again. Golden eyes ran over the TV and suddenly froze. There was something very familier about a young man standing at the edge of the camera's view. For a brief moment the young man faced the camera. "Shuichi," Yuki moaned. So it was true? His lover wasn't dead. But why all the lies? Why hide so much from him? Eiri didn't understand. How could Shuichi inflict so much pain on him by making him think that he had lost his lover forever? It didn't make sense and it made him feel so angry and hurt. Yuki picked up his phone and dialed Randy's number. If it was the last thing he'd ever get to do he would find Shuichi, find him and demand an explanation and… and hold him in his arms again even if it was for the very last time.
"I'm Randy how about you?" the babbling voice answered with a chuckle, most likely aimed at his own joke.
"Yuki here. I want you to find Shuichi. I'll pay any price you ask if you just track down Shawn Child and give me an adress where to find him," Eiri said harshly.
"Are you sure you want me to do that? After watching that tape I thought…"
"Find him Randy!" Yuki interrupted him and almost crushed the phone in his hand.
"Have it your way," the other man sighed. "I'll get right on it and let you know as soon as I find something." The call ended and Yuki sank down on a chair. His personal hell had just been upgraded to something far worse.
Touma picked up the phone slowly.
"He knows," a voice muttered before he had a change so say anything.
"And?" the blonde asked and sat down.
"He wants me to find him A.S.A.P.. What do you want me to do?" Touma frowned for a moment and thought through his options. It really didn't matter what he did anymore, his secret was already out.
"Do it. Eiri is going to find him even if you don't help him." The other man hung up. The blonde put down the phone and sighed. For 15 months he had been lying through his teeth to the one person who meant more than anything to him. He knew that Yuki would think it was to get Shuichi away from him but it wasn't… just that. The vocalist had been completely illogical in his line of thinking that night when he had showed up outside the blonde's window. Shuichi had been afraid that he would spread the TB to his lover, scared that his disease would be too much for the blonde novelist to handle. As if learning that the genki brat was dead hadn't been too much? Touma wanted them separated, he couldn't stand that someone else made Eiri so damn happy, but he hadn't acted as selfish as he had started out to. He had sent Yuki to LA, where he knew that Shuichi could be found, he had given Randy enough information so that Eiri would find out the truth. Why? Because I can't stand seeing Eiri hurt so much. I can't stand seeing him dying inside, Touma sighed in his head.
A quick rap on the door woke him up. His muscles objected as he slowly picked himself up from the couch. Another rap on the door, this time harder. With a frown he opened it and went completely numb as golden eyes stared down at him.
"Shuichi," the taller man almost whimpered. For a moment neither of the two men moved or made a sound then lavender eyes meet gold for a brief second. Slowly the novelist came closer and pulled him into his arms crushing the stiff body against his own. Shuichi didn't return the embrace, couldn't convince himself to lift his arms or move at all. A moment later the blonde pushed him away. The vocalist felt frozen as he just stared blankly infront of him. "Close the door," the blonde said flatly as he walked into the appartment. When Shuichi didn't move he walked up to him and pushed the door closed. "You really thought I wouldn't find out didn't you?! Didn't you Shuichi?!" the novelist roared at him. The younger man didn't answer he just stared at the floor. Yuki found me? But how? Seguchi-san must have told him. But why? The questions darted around inside his head. He knew that he had messed everything up but… but he had never meant for Yuki to suffer so badly, he had never realized that he had cause his lover so much pain. Of course he understood that he was hurting Yuki with his actions but not that it was that badly, so deep. Suddenly a hard hand connected with his face and sent him crashing into the door. The pain shot through his head and back but the empty expression on the vocalist's face didn't even flinch. The left side of his face was numb from the punch but he didn't care, couldn't even really feel the pain. He deserved it. Carefully he squinted up to look at the face he had missed so much. But that face wasn't the one he had seen in his dreams, no it was diffrent. Five years ago he had been used to it or rather a less brutal kin to it. It was a face he feared, worshipped… and loved more than anything, but it wasn't the one he wanted to look into. His eyes returned to the floor and his mind disappeared somewhere.
Eiri felt his inside burn just as his hand did. He had hit Shuichi, his brain had simply refused to settle for anything less than physical pain. He wanted to leave a mark on that face so that it would never forget how much hurt he had suffered every time it had showed up to haunt him. So if that was what he wanted how come it felt so very wrong, how come it hurt so much to see that sweet face bruise? Growling to himself the novelist started pacing the tiny apartment and pushed those questions away. So far he hadn't gotten a single reaction from the other man.
"Why!?" he asked with his voice low and dangerous. Nothing. "Answer me Shuichi! Why!?!" Still nothing. Yuki twisted his face into a horrible mask of pure rage, a rage that came from despair and hurt. His heart was breaking… no that couldn't be it… his heart had been broken so many months ago. This was so much worse, he was being crushed, ripped to shreds. Still he couldn't stop what he had started. He just had to see hurt, pain, shame, anything in those lavender eyes or he'd go insane. "You lead me to think you were dead! How the hell could you do that to me?!" There… wasn't there a tiny change in those eyes? No, still nothing. "Fine! Don't say anything! I'll say what I came here to say and then I'll leave. After that I don't ever, EVER want to see you again Shuichi! If I so much as take one look at you again I'll kill you, understand!?" The other man still didn't react. "I don't know why you did what you did and I don't really care anymore but know this much… You've destroyed everything with your cruel games and lies. From now on I'll deny that you ever even existed! Right now I wish that you really had died! That you would have coughed up every drop of blood in your body and choked on it!" It was like his words didn't even reach Shuichi who still just stood and stared at the floor. Angry beyond himself Yuki grabbed the slender shoulders and shook the younger man violently, banging him against the door over and over again. "You said you loved me, that you'd never hurt me, that you'd never leave me!" Eiri screamed and tried to get the vocalist to meet his eyes. "You're nothing but a pathetic lier Shuichi! You disgust me! I hope you die a painfull death and rot in hell!" With those words he more or less threw the much smaller man to the side and stormed out.
Shuichi curled up and ignored the numb pain. Why hadn't he seen what he was doing? Why hadn't he understood that he had crushed Yuki by pushing him aside, lying to him, hiding everything him. Finally the tears came and spilled down his face, causing his cracked lip to sting. It was what he deserved. Yuki had said that he wished he was dead. Well at least one thing they agreed on. Shuichi rubbed his head against the stinking carpet and cursed himself.
"A painfull death," he whimpered out loud and winced at the taste of blood in his mouth. But death was an easy way out, something he didn't deserve at all. The vocalist pondered over his life for a second. Now his life really was a living hell and wasn't that where he should be? "I will rot in hell Yuki but I'm sorry I dragged you with me." The numbness finally vanished and his intire body trembled and twitched in pain. Suddenly a hacking cough stole his breath away. No please not this again, Shuichi begged. Please anything but this. It seemed like Yuki would get his wish. The vocalist almost choked on the hacking coughs and silently wished he would just die.
