Warnings: Shonen-ai, Real real dark and heavy angst (I am not kidding here), OOC, harsh language, death, suicide.
Notes: Okay a few things here. This story takes place a little more than five years after Yuki and Shuichi first met so most things that seem OOC can probably be explained with that, at least in my head. Time changes people and people changes people… The disease I use in this fic is sticking to the truth as far as possible, however I have probably hurried up some things with it. Now a few of the outcomes are very unusual today due to the progress in treatments but since I'm a writer I've taken the liberty of simply ignoring that. And if you thought I would just give you the disease in question you are so wrong *hehe*. The same goes for other medical stuff that appears. I've tried to keep it as close to reality as I can but I'm only human.
What else? Ah of course. Writing in Italic are thoughts or letters and loads of these ~ shows a change in time. It's probably confusing but I've tried to be as clear as possible.
And last but not least… I'm swedish so english is not my first language. No one has read through this fic besides me so the bad spelling and grama will probably torment you. *sighs*
WHEREVER I MIGHT BE
Chapter 5. To Hell And Back
Yuki threw himself out from the building and onto the sidewalk but there he stopped. Shakingly he leaned against the wall and sank down to rest on his heels. His arms wrapped around himself and tears ran down his cheeks.
"Why? Why? Why Shuichi?" he asked over and over again. "What made you do this?" His rage had died out and only left the pain from his shattered heart. Eiri wasn't sure why he had acted the way he had towards Shuichi but he wished he hadn't. Sure he was angry with the younger man but he had missed him a whole lot more than he had been angry with him. Now he had ruined it all, any chance of leaving LA with his lover next to him had been destroyed. He had been so cruel with his words and so brutal with his actions. Maybe he had every right to be so angry but… it wouldn't help him at all. "I said I wanted him to die." Yuki shuddered at his own words. He didn't want Shuichi to die! He wanted… What was it he wanted? Eiri sighed and wiped the tears from his face. I want Shuichi to come home, I want him to pester me the way he used to. The sound of footsteps reached him and the novelist looked up. Someone was coming out of the building and Yuki somehow knew that it was Shuichi. Quickly he got up and walked around the corner. He carefully stuck his head out and saw his lover, or should it be former lover, walk out of the building. Shuichi was coughing and limping. Yuki frowned. He hadn't noticed that before, but then he hadn't noticed the change in Shuichi's face either. When he thought about it he realized that the vocalist had looked younger than the last time he saw him. That was very strange since he was so thin and pale, which should make him look older. "He's still sick and I still… hit him." Yuki closed his eyes and damned himself. Carefully he started following the smaller man.
Shuichi limped worse than usual. The ache in his back was awfull just as the throbbing pain in his face and it was all made worse by the coughing. It didn't matter though… Yuki had had every right to take out his anger on him like that. With a cough he stopped infront of a pay-phone and searched through his pockets. He had no money, not even enough to make one lousy phonecall.
"Seguchi-san can pay for it!" he pouted and braced himself since he had to make himself understood in english. After repeating himself a hundred times he finally managed to get the person on the other end to understand what he wanted.
"Yes?"
"I have a collect call from a Mr. Shindou will you accept the charge?"
"I will," Touma agreed and the third person disappeared.
"Seguchi-san," Shuichi said under his breath. "I just saw Yuki. Why did you tell him!?" For a moment Touma was silent.
"I don't like breaking promises Shindou-san but this went too far, we went too far. Eiri is losing his mind and I refuse to be any part of it!" the older man answered flatly.
"So instead you sent him after me? Seguchi-san do you think he's any better off now when he knows what I've turned into? His former lover is a hunchbacked cripple who lives in an apartment you wouldn't even keep pigs in! He's so angry he might do something… to himself," the vocalist cried and leaned against the phone to stop himself from falling to the ground.
"But at least he knows that you're still alive."
"Get him away from LA Seguchi-san, please," Shuichi begged and tried to wipe away his tears. "Take him home and make him stop hurting!" But he knew that Touma wouldn't be able to do that, no one would. Completely exhausted the vocalist hung up without saying good bye. The world was spinning around him and it just kept on going faster and faster. For a moment he managed to stand up straight but then his knees folded underneth him and his head hit the pavement.
Golden eyes looked at the slender young man who fiddled with the pay-phone. He had heard every word but he didn't understand them. What was Shuichi talking about? Hunchbacked cripple? Okay so he did have a very small hump on his back but it was nothing anyone would notice if they didn't look too close, it was the same with the limp. What anyone would notice however was the big bruise that covered half Shuichi's face, and he was the one who had put there. Yuki shuddered and placed his gaze back on the slender man. The vocalist took a small step away from the phone and swayed for a moment before he dove head first into the ground.
"Shuichi!" the novelist called out and rushed over to the limp form. Carefully he picked him up and hugged him tight. "I'm sorry Shu, I'll fix this, I promise," Eiri mumbled and pressed his face against his lover's soft hair. "I didn't mean a word of what I said, just please don't..." He couldn't finish the sentense, didn't even want to say the awful word because he was afraid that that would take Shuichi away from him again. The blonde started running down the sidewalk with the slight body pressed against his chest. He rounded a corner and waved in a cab. With great care he placed his burden on the seat and got inside. "Get us to a hospital, fast!" he ordered the driver and again closed his arms around Shuichi.
"Yes Sir," the driver nodded and sped down the street.
"Mr. Yuki?" Eiri looked up and nodded to the doctor. "Can I talk to you in my room for a moment?" Again Eiri nodded and follwed the man. The door closed behind them and the doctor gestured to him to sit down.
"How is he?" Yuki asked, unable to keep the worry from showing in his face.
"I take it that you know that Mr. Child has tuberculosis?"
"Yes but I thought he was cured from it?" the blonde answered slowly.
"The type Mr. Child has is chronic it'll never go away but most of the time you can keep it from being active. However if you don't take your medication it will most likely blossom again," the doctor explained. "Do you know why Mr. Child hasn't been taking his medication?" Eiri shook his head. "Well besides that Mr. Child is in a very poor state of general health. He hasn't been eating enough, sleeping enough and he's apparently been beaten, recently." The blonde winced and lowered his face. How was he suppose to explain that he was the one who had put those bruises on Shuichi?
"His name is Shindou, Shuichi Shindou," Yuki said instead. He couldn't stand hearing that doctor call his lover by some fake name.
"But his ID says Shawn Child and he has been admitted to this hospital before under that name."
"What?"
"Mr. Child um Mr. Shindou was here for months due to a car accident, he was realeased only five weeks ago. According to witnesses, he walked out right infront of a speeding car. But you must know this Mr. Yuki. Mr. Shindou had major surgery done on his face and skull. I do understand the situation correctly when I assume that he is your hm boyfriend, right?"
"Eh well yes." The doctor smiled slightly.
"That being the case you surely must know his medical history? From the TB infected spine, the slight brain damage caused by a minor stroke and what I strongly believe was a suicide attempt." Yuki stared at him. All this was new to him well except the part of the TB infecting Shuichi's spine.
"A minor stroke?" he asked in confusion and felt panic rise inside.
"It says so in his journal, we had it faxed here from London. Mr. Chi… Shindou suffered from a minor stroke at the clinic over there. It caused a very slight damage to his brain, that's why he's limping. The little, let's call it a bruise, on his brain results in minor problems with the finer movements of his left leg." Yuki rested his face in his hands. No wonder Shuichi had decided to run away instead of coming back. Few people understood it but the vocalist was as proud as the next person even if that didn't show sometimes. He might cry and act like a child without caring who saw but he still had pride. If Shu would have returned to Tokyo the press would have gone mad. They would have had a field day if they had had the chance to feast on the vocalist's harsh fate.
"I… I had no idea about this," Eiri finally admitted and sighed.
"I see. How about the attempt he made to kill himself?"
"I haven't seen Shuichi for…" Yuki had to count in his head, "15 months. I only caught up with him today." The doctor raised an eyebrow and nodded slowly.
"Well Mr. Yuki… I suggest you go and see him now. He's still unconscious but I think he'd be glad to see you once he wakes up." Eiri shook his head and fought back his tears.
"I can't. I'm the one who… It's my fault that Shuichi is here," the novelist mumbled.
"Hardly Mr. Yuki. Mr. Shindou has been neglecting his own health for quite some time so unless you're the one who've kept him from eating, sleeping and taking his medications you have no blame in this. Mr. Shindou is very fragile at this moment and he needs someone to take care of him, to love him and judging from the look in your eyes… you're the one he needs."
Shuichi struggled to lift the dark lid placed over his mind. Slowly he managed to push it away and opened his eyes. The light stabbed his eyes and caused him to pull up a hand to shade himself. His body was almost numb with pain and his breathing hoarse and strained. When his eyes had gotten used to the light he lowered his hand. Something soft tickled his fingers so he carefully tilted his head to the right. Blonde hair. Shuichi drew a deep breath and slowly ran his fingers through it. Yuki, he sighed inside and felt so lost and broken. Why are you here Yuki? Haven't I caused you enough pain? The novelist seemed to be asleep and didn't move. His head was placed on his arms that rested on the bed. The door opened and a nurse came in, for a moment she hesitated then she came up to Shuichi and leaned close to him.
"I just came to check on you," she whispered. "How are you feelings Mr. hm Shindou?" The vocalist glanced at the sleeping blonde next to him and sighed.
"I don't know… I hurt all over." The nurse nodded and smiled a little.
"No wonder, you're black and blue all over. We've started you on medication for the TB. Why did you stop taking them?" The question had a shred of sharpness in it. Shuichi sighed again.
"I couldn't afford them."
"I see. Well I'll ask Dr. Hayes to look into that. It is very important that you continue to take your medications," the nurse nodded.
"Why is Yuki here?" The question slipped out before Shuichi had a chance to stop it. The young woman gave him a confused look.
"Mr. Yuki brought you here. He said you collapsed on the sidewalk outside your apartment," she answered slowly. "It's a good thing he's sleeping a little. He's been up all night watching over you." Shu swallowed. Why had the blonde done that? Yuki hated him, didn't he? If not, he really should. The nurse left them alone and the vocalist went back to running his fingers through blonde hair. All he wanted was for Yuki to hold him, tell him that everything was like it had been before he left. But it would never be like that again. Even if he could forgive me, I'm still sick, deformed and simply not myself anymore. I'll never be Shindou Shuichi again, he died the day I left Tokyo, the day I left Yuki, Shuichi thought and felt how tears started flowing rapidly down his cheeks. He really did feel like he had died that day when Touma drove him to the private jet. Of course he hadn't known that the disease would be so bad even if he had been in a sorry state when he left. But the three months he had been at the clinic in England had been so awful. The drugs they had filled him with, the constant coughing, all the blood, the fevers and then finally… The doctors had told him the truth, that he might not make it so he had started recording that tape. But he had gotten so sick they had had to stop before he was done. That night he had had a stroke, it was only a small one but it had still caused Shuichi a very slight brain damage. It had taken him over a month to recover from that and he hadn't been able to finish the tape until he looked normal again. He had lied so much on that damn tape. The first month in England it hadn't looked like his body was responding to the treatmeant at all and that was why the tape had been made. But when his back started to show signs of a hump even though his body started to improve and that damn stroke hit him it had ruined everything. It had dawned on the vocalist that he would never be able to go back to Yuki again. He had managed to train away most of the mild paralysis on the left side of his body but the limp had refused to give in. The media would never have left him alone and that meant that they would never leave Yuki alone either. That and the fear of tying his lover to him because of pity had just been too much for Shu. So he had added the final part of the tape with his heart shattered to dust and screaming in regret. Three months after he arrived at the clinic he had left, he had run away to LA, hoping and praying that the ones he left behind would be fine without him. But now he understood that he had made the wrong choice. Instead of saving the blonde he had destroyed him, smashed him to pieces. The head his hand rested on moved and Shuichi braced himself as Yuki slowly looked up at him.
Eiri lifted his head and met his lover's eyes. They were filled with tears and so much sorrow. Without a word the blonde novelist got up and moved closer, carefully pulling the slender man into his arms.
"I thought I had lost you all over again," he mumbled and pressed himself against the vocalist. "Don't ever do that to me again Shuichi, please." But to his surprise he was pushed away.
"Yuki don't ask that of me. We both know that we can't be together anymore," Shu said with sadness. Eiri stared at him with disbelief.
"Why?" was the only word he managed to get across his lips.
"I will always love you Yuki but…"
"But what?! Shuichi why are you doing this?" the blonde asked sounding every bit as desperate as he felt.
"I'm not Shuichi anymore Yuki. Can't you see it in my eyes? Shuichi died the day he left you, the day he lied to you," Shu answered as he softly cried. "At first I thought I had just lost him but he's dead. I killed him, I didn't want to but… Shuichi would never had done this to you so he must be dead." Eiri shook his head franticly.
"That's a load of bullshit! You have already been taken from me once and there is no way in hell I'll let you slip through my fingers again. I can't live without you Shuichi. I'm sorry if that's inconvenient for you but I just can't," the novelist said, his voice harsh from anger and fear.
"So even after everything I've done to you, you want me back?" The blonde nodded looking extremly stubborn. "And how is that suppose to happen Yuki?"
"You're coming home with me!"
"Besides you there is only one more person who knows that I'm still alive. What do you think is going to happen if I return to Japan?" Shuichi asked quietly. Eiri winced. His lover was right, there was no way Shu could return to Japan, at least none he could see at the moment.
"Fine then I'll move here. I don't care!" Yuki couldn't help but thinking that the roles had changed. He was acting like Shuichi and the vocalist was acting like him.
"I'm sorry but I can't let you do that. You and I are over Yuki. I'll always love you but… you have to move on," Shuichi said so much sadness it almost crushed the older man but even more so it made his temper flare.
"You love me and still you insist that I should just turn around and leave?! Are you even considering my feelings here?" the novelist spat out with anger. "And what about Hiro? You don't even know how all this has effected him, do you? Well let me tell you! Your best friend is a shell! When I left Tokyo he hadn't been outside his apartment for months. You do know that he loves you as much as I do, don't you?" Shuichi seemed to shrink infront of the angry blonde. "Hiro is dying in the very same way I was dammit! He's fading away but I suppose you don't care about that either!" Yuki's anger and panic was getting the better of him but he didn't care. He just had to make Shuichi understand.
"I… I…" the vocalist studdered and began crying so hard he couldn't continue talking.
"You're not a selfish person Shuichi, I know you're not so why are you doing this?"
"Because I betrayed you, and Hiro. I hurt both of you in such a cruel way! I can't be allowed anywhere near you ever again, because I might do it again!" the vocalist screamed through his tears.
"Yes you did hurt us in a very cruel way Shu but I think I understand why. I can't say I fully understand all of it but I do have an idea. When I watched the tape you sent me I understood that you weren't coming back and for some time I thought I could accept that you were dead. But I never could, my heart wouldn't let me and it almost drove me insane. After I came here to LA I finally realized why I couldn't accept it. I couldn't because it didn't feel like you were dead." Yuki wasn't sure what he was saying anymore but he just had to keep talking until Shuichi understood that he simply couldn't let go. "Shu you're all I have, the one good thing that ever walked into my life and if you think I can just let that go you're very wrong. I am angry with you for what you did, I'm hurt that you lied but I need you. I can't change the way I feel and neither can you." The vocalist looked up and with a desperat look in his lavender eyes he pulled the blonde's face down to his. The kiss was harsh almost brutal but Yuki answered it in the same way. His lips hurt and he didn't care. It had been such a long time since he had tasted Shuichi in his mouth and his body was screaming in joy at the familier taste. After what seemed to be forever the kiss broke off.
"Yuki if that's how you really feel and you think we can work pass what I've done… If you ask me to come with you I will," Shuichi mumbled quietly. Eiri looked into his eyes and carefully thought it through.
"I am asking you to come back to me Shu. But only if you want to give us one more try." The vocalist nodded slowly.
"I do want to be by your side again Yuki but… are you sure it's a wise idea?" The blonde cocked an eyebrow at the question.
"Shu since when was our relationship ever a wise idea?" he asked and couldn't help but smile and his lover did the same. That smile changed Shuichi's intire face. He looked like he used to, innocent, soft, open and a little bit genki. "Kuso gaki," Yuki murmured with affection. It actually looked like he would have his damn brat back again.
"Hidoi," the vocalist sighed but it was a satisfied sigh. "Yuki…"
"Yes."
"I wish I could go back and change everything I did… I'm so sorry I…" A soft hand on his cheek silenced him.
"Shu I know. And I'm sorry for the things I said to you before. I didn't mean any of it, I just wanted you to hurt the way I hurt," the blonde admitted with shame.
"You had every right to."
"No Shuichi, I didn't have any right at all to say those things to you or to hit you! You have no idea how much your face has haunted me these months. Sometimes I really thought I could see you smiling at me and I just had to wipe that image away." Eiri carefully caressed his lover's bruised face.
"I'm sorry…" Shu whispered and hung his head in shame.
"Did you walk out infront of that car on purpose?" Yuki asked softly and saw how the vocalist snapped his head up.
"I… I… Yes. I didn't want to live with what I did, didn't want to be without you…"
By: Atsureki
