BPOV
I was twelve years old when I realized my mother was crazy, and by my fifteenth birthday, I became convinced I was too. It wasn't until I met Edward that I began to accept who I was, and because of him, I finally started living the life I deserved.
My sisters and I were raised in an upper-middle-class home where the neighborhoods were new, the carpets were plush, and my most significant decision was choosing the wallpaper for my bedroom. My father was in real estate and hardly ever home. He was gone by the time I left for school in the morning, and when he'd return in the evening, we would have a quick meal followed by a few hours of television. He'd pour a glass of his favorite cocktail and plop himself on the couch while I snuggled into his side, happy and content to spend time with him. I remember this routine vividly and can still smell the Drambuie he drank.
We became a tragic cliche when he left our family for his receptionist, and after the divorce, my mother went on a bender—but not with alcohol. Her coping mechanism was metaphysical, and our home quickly became a revolving door of psychic mediums and spiritual advisors as she tried to find herself and figure out where she went wrong in the marriage. I remember her being obsessed with every new-age guru she encountered, and there was even one summer when Hare Krishnas camped out in our living room.
Everyone knew Mom was crazy, and this fact was never more evident than when she told my sisters and me she saw Jesus in the backyard.
It was just after my father left, and as she tells it, she was at the kitchen sink, lost in despair, when suddenly, a sense of calm came over her. When she raised her head and looked out the window, she saw him; Jesus Christ was standing in the backyard next to our swing set.
We weren't even practicing Catholics.
Predictably, 'Jesus in the window' began trending in our household. My younger sister Alice initiated it, and it soon became our catchphrase, our own Saturday Night Live skit, an inside joke.
My poor mother never lived it down.
My sisters and I are very different, but we do possess some of the traditionally assigned birth-order roles. Rose, the oldest, is studious and self-sufficient. She excels at everything and is the personification of perfection. She went to college, married a doctor, and had three children. As far back as I can remember, her single goal in life was to be the exact opposite of our mother. By all accounts, she is succeeding beautifully.
Alice, the youngest, is the quintessential wild child. The baby of the family, my parents were too exhausted to take her to task on anything, and she took advantage, constantly pushing their limits. Boisterous and loud, often obnoxious at times, Alice has always been a free spirit. To her credit, she has been able to channel most of her excess energy into her artwork. She is creative and gifted in ways I will never be. Although never officially diagnosed, Alice's struggles with mental illness and drug abuse have taken a toll on us. The result; broken promises, hurt feelings, and unsuccessful interventions.
I am the middle child, the Jan Brady of the trifecta. While not as noble as Rose, I'm not as fucked up as Alice. Sandwiched in the middle, I was nothing if not practical. But all that changed when I turned fifteen and began experiencing some unexplainable things myself.
~!~
It all started with my best friend, Jake.
I met him when we were thirteen, and he transferred to my school from Colorado. We hit it off immediately and have always been there for one another, from my father's unexpected death to Jake's coming out. And although he has loving and supportive parents, Jake has been obsessed with my mother since the day he met her. He thinks she's fabulous.
Nevertheless, if there had been an award for being the worst at psychic abilities, Renee Swan would have won it. Even after all those years of searching for answers and sightings of robed prophets, it turned out that she wasn't any closer to enlightenment than when she started. She didn't have second sight or clairvoyance, and as far as I could tell, she never even seemed to master the art of meditation. But none of that deterred Jake. He'd come over after school, and my mother would be all too eager to give him a tarot card reading or try to see his aura, hoping to hone what she thought was her budding craft.
I stayed silent, mostly because I already knew what his aura looked like. My mother said it was green, but of course, she was wrong.
It was gold.
It freaked me out when I started seeing light around people. The first time it happened, I was sitting at the kitchen table doing homework. Alice walked in to get something to eat and banged around in her usual chaotic manner. Becoming increasingly frustrated with the racket, I raised my head to tell her to knock it off but abruptly stopped, incapable of uttering a word as I looked at her.
An azure-colored light rose from the top of her head and stretched to the ceiling. I watched as it moved along with her as she opened and closed cabinets and rattled silverware in the drawer. I never said a word to anyone about it. I didn't tell Jake, and I certainly didn't tell my mother. I assumed I was either crazy or had a brain tumor. Things had worsened by the time I turned sixteen. Not only did I see light around people, but I had also begun to know details about them that weren't always pleasant. Most of the time, they were frightening.
On one occasion, I spent an entire day watching a black mist surround one of my classmates, which was terrifying. I could feel the darkness and pain that boy was experiencing, and I didn't know what to do about it. Jake and I went to my room to listen to music at the end of the day, and he flopped down face-first on my bed, whining about an algebra test. I barely heard him as I stared out the window, lost in thought.
What if that boy decided to hurt himself or someone else? What if something terrible happened? Should I tell someone? How would I do that? I couldn't just accuse people of things they hadn't done or might never do.
"What's going on with you today anyway?" He asked. "You're a million miles away."
I bit my lip in indecision, unsure if I wanted to tell him.
"What?" he asked, narrowing his eyes. "What aren't you telling me?"
I shrugged my shoulders, but he wasn't having it. "Girl, spill … now."
I opened my mouth, shut it, and then opened it again before letting it all tumble out. I knew if I didn't tell somebody, I really would go crazy.
~!~
Twelve years later
"Bella, pleeeeeaseeeee?" Jake cajoled over the phone. "Pleeeeease, come with me. I promise I'll never ask you for anything ever again."
I was late for work, and it was my morning to bring the donuts. I huffed as I bustled around the apartment, looking for my car keys.
"You don't need a chaperone to go on a date," I responded in exasperation. "Are you afraid he'll roofie you or something? If that's the case, get out now."
My OCD kicked in, and I walked to the bathroom to ensure I had unplugged my hair straightener before jogging back to the living room to continue the search for my keys.
"I just want you to meet him," he said quickly. "I want you to tell me what kind of vibe you get."
I stopped short as my defenses went up.
"You know I don't do that," I snapped. "How should I know if this Emmett person is a good guy or a bad guy? Don't put that on me."
When I'd confided in Jake that day in my teenage bedroom, I had been on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Some days I didn't even want to leave the house; too afraid of what I'd see. I'd sworn him to secrecy and spent the next few years trying to block it all out.
It wasn't easy and took a lot of trial and error, but by the time I went to college, I could successfully keep it at bay. Jake often told me I'd changed, that I wasn't as outgoing or open as I used to be. He blamed it on me shutting down what he liked to call my 'gift.' He may have had a point, but as far as I was concerned, it was far from being any kind of gift. It scared me in ways I couldn't articulate, and I didn't want anything to do with it. If I had become closed off, well, in my estimation, that was a small price to pay.
It's not like I didn't have relationships. I was engaged once. Tyler and I dated for two years, and when he proposed, I thought it was what I wanted. He'd often complain that I was detached and would tell me he felt I kept him at a distance, that I didn't allow him to get close to me. But I didn't see it that way. I was as close to him as I had been to anyone, excluding Jake.
I ended things quickly when I caught him in bed with our wedding planner. And while Jake was on my side one hundred percent during the entire fiasco, deep down, I couldn't help but feel he agreed with Tyler to some extent. Was I detached? Did I drive men away because I wouldn't let them in? I brushed the idea aside as having no merit. No, the problem wasn't me. I was fine; better than fine. The problem lay with him, and no one would convince me otherwise.
I returned to the present and continued admonishing Jake, "What happens if I tell you he's sunshine and rainbows, and then you end up being cut up into little pieces and buried in his backyard, huh? I won't be responsible for that."
"Ouch, sister." he chuckled. "Not everything is a true crime documentary, Bella. You need to get out more."
I cringed, knowing he was probably right.
"I just need your support," he continued. "It's the first time I'm going to meet his family, and I want someone with me. I told you, it's just a fall festival at his farm. It'll be casual; lots of people around. It's hayrides and pumpkin picking … stuff like that. Come on, Bells, what would Jesus in the window do?"
I smiled wryly as I pulled my keys from where they were buried in the couch cushions and raised them in my fist in silent victory before moving toward the door.
"Since when are you into anything remotely affiliated with the outdoors or nature?" I questioned. "And why do you need me?"
Jake was quiet on the other end of the line, and I spun quickly once outside my apartment to turn the deadbolt.
"Jake?" I asked as I hurriedly made my way down the stairs of the building.
"He's important, Bella, okay? He's important to me, and I want the other important person in my life to meet him. Is that too much to ask?"
I hovered on the last step and gave in with a sigh.
"Let me know where and when, and I'll be there."
~!~
I grunted as I lifted the giant pumpkin onto the metal cart. We'd spent the last hour walking through a field with about two dozen other people, primarily families. It's not that I didn't like children; it's just that sometimes they had a way of letting out those piercing, high-pitched screams at an octave capable of shattering glass. The four-year-old in the row next to us was having one such meltdown.
"Dude, we've been out here for an hour." I griped. "My arms are tired." I wiped my hand across my brow and looked at Jake, who was scanning the open field anxiously. We hadn't seen Emmett yet, and I touched Jake on the sleeve. "Stop obsessing. He's probably working."
I didn't know anything about Emmett, but I felt I had to say something so Jake wouldn't freak out. I told myself to suck it up and tried to tune out the screaming kid next to us and concentrate on my friend. He turned to me, and as his gaze went past my shoulder, a giant smile spread across his face. He raised his arm and waved excitedly at someone I could only assume was Emmett.
"Here he comes," he whispered. "Oh, shit, here he comes. How do I look? Am I all sweaty and gross?"
I gave him a disparaging look, feeling sweat trickle down my bra since I'd been the one doing all the work. He smoothed his shirt and tried to flex his tiny muscles.
"Just act natural," I whispered.
I felt someone come up from behind and brush past me. He was a hulking specimen of a man and easily dwarfed Jake's small frame as he hugged him. "How long have you been here?" He asked. "Sorry, I got caught helping Edward with the tractor for the hayride." Jake hung onto Emmett's biceps and looked at him adoringly before turning to me.
"Em, I'd like you to meet my best friend in the world. This is Bella. Bells, meet Emmett."
I extended my hand, and Emmett engulfed it in his massive paw before pumping it firmly a few times.
"Nice to meet you, Emmett. This is quite a place you have. Has your family owned it long?"
"Two generations," he replied proudly. "My brother and I were raised here. Dad's retiring soon, and Edward and I are going to expand. We've got big plans for the place."
"That's awesome," I responded with sincerity. "I wish you luck. And by the way," I added, "These are the largest pumpkins I've ever seen."
"Biggest in the county," Emmett boasted as he peered into our cart. "Babe," he directed at Jake. "You must be exhausted after loading all these."
My mouth hung open as I watched Jake rub his imaginary sore muscles and wince – faker.
He shot me a pleading look, and I went along with the charade. "Yeah, he's pretty amazing."
"Oh! There's Edward," Emmett said with enthusiasm. "I want you to meet him. Hang on a sec, and I'll bring him over." Jake nodded, and I looked down to brush some dirt from my sweater, remnants of the behemoth pumpkins I'd lifted. I did a final once over to ensure I'd gotten it all when I felt Jake's hand on my arm.
"Holy shit, that's the brother?"
I looked at him in confusion and followed his gaze across the field. Emmett was talking to another man, and they were headed our way. He was tall and lean and wore faded jeans, a white, long-sleeved thermal shirt, and well-worn, muddied boots. The sun glinted off his dark hair, and even from this distance, it wasn't hard to tell he was gorgeous.
"Seriously, that's the brother?" he reiterated.
"Is he gay too?" I asked quietly.
"Unfortunately, no." He replied with a frown.
I looked over at him and smirked. "What do you care? You're taken." We both fell into stifled giggles just as Emmett and Edward approached.
"Pull yourself together, Bish," Jake whispered and kicked his foot discreetly against mine.
I schooled my features as the two men walked the last few feet through the pumpkin patch and stood before us. Edward was even more handsome up close. His hair blew in the breeze, and I followed his hand as he raised it to run his fingers through the strands. He tilted his head to the side, and his tongue peeked out to lick his lips before he looked first at Jake and then over to me. His gaze lingered on my face, allowing me to observe his features. His eyes were a brilliant green, framed with the longest lashes I had ever seen.
"Edward, this is Jake," Emmett said with a large grin. "Babe, this is my older brother, Edward."
"It's nice to meet you, Jake," Edward responded as he extended his hand.
I felt a strange tingling sensation at the sound of his deep masculine voice. It traveled throughout my body until it reached my ears, quickly creating what I can only describe as white noise. It blocked out every sound around us, and I heard nothing while he traded pleasantries with Jake. I'm not sure how much time passed, but at some point, I realized his lips were no longer moving, and everyone was staring at me.
"Bella?"
I heard a faint voice coming from my right.
"Huh?" I asked, trying to ascertain who was speaking.
"You, okay?" Jake asked. "Emmett just introduced you to Edward."
I felt my face heat up in embarrassment before turning to Edward.
"What? Oh, yeah, sorry."
"Hello, Bella, it's nice to meet you," he said while smiling at me politely.
Certain I had made a terrible first impression, I blurted out the first thing that popped into my head.
"I carried a pumpkin."
What the hell? What in the actual hell?
Sweat broke out on my forehead, and I had the overwhelming urge to dig a hole and bury myself in it. Jake laughed, and I saw Edwards's lips twitch in amusement as he extended his hand to me. It was warm and slightly rough, and if I thought I felt a tingle from hearing his voice, a full-fledged jolt went through me when our palms connected.
"It's nice to meet you, Edward," I said haltingly. "Emmett's been telling us about your plans to expand the farm. That sounds exciting."
"Yeah," he replied, and while his smile didn't falter, I thought there was something off about it. "We're looking forward to it."
He pulled his hand away and looked out across the field.
"I've gotta go, Em," he said suddenly before glancing at Jake and me. "It was nice meeting you both. Maybe I'll see you again sometime."
"Sure, sure," Jake replied. "It was great meeting you, Edward."
I didn't say anything, and Edward gave me one last look before moving toward the barn.
I stared after him with a frown, my hand still tingling from where we touched. And even though I had just met him, I knew one thing for sure after our brief and awkward interaction.
Edward Cullen had just lied to me.
~!~
"What do you mean a bonfire?" I asked Jake as we climbed into my car to head home.
"What do you mean, what do I mean?" he countered incredulously. "A bonfire, Swan. You do know what a bonfire is, don't you?"
I gave him the stink eye.
"Saturday night, Halloween," he continued. "Emmett said they're having one at his parent's house at the farm, and he invited us." He wiggled his eyebrows. "He said you can bring someone if you want."
I laughed out loud before looking both ways and pulling out of the driveway.
"And just whom would you suggest I invite?"
Jake looked out the window, an innocent expression on his face. "Oh, I don't know … how about Mike?"
I turned to him in disbelief as his body shook with silent laughter before he raised his hands in a supplicating gesture. "Kidding!" he let out between guffaws. "It's a joke, Bella. I'm fucking kidding!"
Mike Newton was the bane of my existence. We'd worked together for nearly nine months, and there wasn't a day he didn't try to hit on me. Normally I wouldn't have minded. I mean, every girl needs an ego boost now and then. The problem was that Mike was married, and his wife was the sweetest person in the world. He insisted they were separated, but I didn't buy it, and it took all I had not to call Heidi and tell her what a shitbag her husband was.
"Funny," I ground out as I stepped on the gas and pulled onto the street.
"You could always just come by yourself and hang out with Edward," he said with a grin.
I felt my heart kickstart at the mention of Edward's name but didn't reply, and Jake leaned over and pinched my leg.
"Stop it!" I laughed, pushing him away from me. "Get your grubby hands off me!"
He chuckled. "Girl, don't even try to tell me you weren't looking for a ring. We both know those fingers were bare."
That was the first thing I'd looked for, but just because he wasn't wearing a ring didn't mean he wasn't married or didn't have a girlfriend. This wasn't my first rodeo. Not by a long shot.
"He's single," Jake said. "He had a girlfriend, but apparently, they broke up about a year ago. I don't know the whole story, but I do know he initiated it." His head lolled on his shoulder, and he batted his eyelashes at me. "He's footloose and fancy-free…" he sang. "Faaaaaaancccccy freeeee."
I smacked his arm.
"Shut it."
"So, does that mean you'll come?" He asked.
I mulled over his request as I lowered my visor against the sun and drove down the rural dirt road.
"Maybe," I replied noncommittally, but I knew I would go deep down. I wanted to learn more about Edward Cullen, and this might be my chance.
~!~
I hated Halloween. I stood in front of the mirror, critiquing myself and my poor excuse for a fall wardrobe. I knew I should have gone shopping with Rose when she'd asked, and I sighed, thinking my oversized sweater and jeans would have to do. They seemed appropriate for the occasion, and I was just happy that costumes weren't required.
I collected Jake at six o'clock, and when we pulled into the driveway, he directed me up a winding road past the barn. A large farmhouse sat atop the hill, and I could see the bonfire in the distance. The flames stretched upwards, and the embers swirled in the night sky like a multitude of fireflies that twisted and danced before they winked out into nothingness.
After I parked, we walked down the road toward the small crowd of people. Emmett saw us coming and jogged over. "Glad you could make it," he said as he handed us each a beer. "Come on over and meet everyone."
He placed his arm around Jake's shoulders while Jake put his around his waist, and we moved toward the group. About a dozen people surrounded the fire, and when I did a quick scan, my eyes immediately found Edward. He was collecting wood a few feet away and threw one of the logs onto the burning pile before accepting a beer from the man beside him.
I watched him as he laughed at something the man said, and when he turned, our eyes locked. He stared at me as he raised the bottle to his lips, and I looked away quickly.
"Everyone!" Emmett shouted. "Everyone, this is Jake and Bella. Make them feel welcome, okay?" The group smiled and waved at us, and I tipped my drink in acknowledgment before taking a large gulp. Emmett and Jake walked over to a young man who was strumming a guitar, and when I turned back to face the fire, I almost slammed into someone who had seemingly come from out of nowhere.
I sucked in a breath and stepped back to avoid hitting him.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you," Edward said softly.
He was standing close, and at this proximity, I had to tilt my head back just to look up at him.
"It's nice to see you again, Bella."
My body felt flushed, and I tried to convince myself it was due to the fire and not the man standing next to me. "It's nice to see you again, too," I replied as the soft sounds of the guitar drifted over us.
I let my gaze wander over the rest of the guests, and Edward cleared his throat. "So, yeah, the guys across from us are my cousins and their wives. They help run the farm when we need some extra hands." He tipped his head in the direction of the guitar player. "That's Alec. He's doing an apprenticeship here between going to the Agricultural college."
I scanned the rest of the crowd and caught Jake staring at me.
He looked from Edward to me and gave me a discreet thumbs-up, his eyes comically wide.
"Oh my God!" He mouthed, and I looked at Edward quickly, panicked that he might have witnessed Jake's display. Luckily, he was looking in the other direction.
"What about your dad?" I asked. "Emmett mentioned he was retiring soon."
Edward was quiet and took another sip of his beer.
"Yeah, I'm not sure what he'll do when he retires. We've been trying to convince him to buy an RV and take an extended road trip across the country with Mom." Edward chuckled and ran his hand through his hair. "More than likely, he'll still be bossing us around. I don't see that changing."
I watched him and realized it was the first genuine smile I'd seen on his face since I'd met him.
"That's him over there."
He pointed with the hand that held his beer, and I followed its direction to an older man and woman who stood wrapped in each other's embrace close to the fire.
"This place was their dream," he said softly. "My grandfather passed it down to my dad, and he and mom made it what it is today." I thought I detected a note of wistfulness, almost regret, and I gave him a perplexed look. It almost sounded like he thought their dream was over.
"But you and Emmett are going to expand, right? You're continuing the dream."
Edward didn't answer and asked, "Do you want another drink?"
I looked down and realized my bottle was empty, but I shook my head. "No, I'm fine, thanks."
"Okay, well, I guess –" I looked up at him, and he stopped midsentence, swallowing hard when our eyes met. And that's when a switch flipped. I don't know how else to explain it.
There was a blinding white light around Edward Cullen, and it had nothing to do with the glow from the fire.
A burst of energy, similar to the one I felt when I first met him, ran through my body, but this was exponentially more powerful, and I almost fell back from the force of it. He reached out quickly and grabbed my elbow to steady me.
I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block it and push it away, but it was no use. No matter what I tried, the light permeated everything around us. And that's the moment I began to know things about Edward. I knew he didn't want to expand the farm. His truth stayed hidden and ate away at him with every passing day. I could feel the inner conflict encompassing every cell in his body. It poured over me in waves, and I stumbled back again from its strength.
"Are you all right?" he asked with concern.
I shut my eyes again, trying to wish away the onslaught, and when I opened them, miraculously, my wish was granted; everything disappeared, almost as if it had never happened.I blinked twice, wondering if I had imagined it all, and scanned his form from top to bottom - Nothing. There was just blessed silence, and I had to fight the urge to sag against him in relief.
"Bella? What's wrong?" he asked again.
"I'm … I'm fine," I responded, trying to reassure him, but I knew I would need a moment to collect myself.
"May I use your bathroom?"
Without hesitating, he lowered his hand to my waist and let it linger there gently.
"Follow me."
My feet propelled me forward as if I had no control over them, almost as if I had no choice but to follow where he led.
~!~
Once in the bathroom, I took a few deep breaths while gripping the sink and looking at myself in the mirror.
"Get it together," I whispered. "Get your shit together."
Now that Edwards's larger-than-life energy wasn't bombarding me, I felt calmer and more in control. I gave myself a once-over before opening the door and stepping out into the hallway.
The home was an old stone farmhouse, and according to Emmett, it had been built in the late 1800s. As I made my way down the hall, I noticed photos of a young family, the two small boys peering out at me from behind the glass. One showed Edward riding a tractor. He looked to be about eleven or twelve. Another showed him and Emmett smiling for the camera while they sat in a giant tire swing. As I continued, I noticed some oil paintings and stopped to admire them.
Before things with Alice had gotten bad, she'd had a job as a curator at a local art gallery. She educated me to a small degree on what constituted fine art, and I picked up just enough tips to hold my own in a conversation. Armed with that knowledge, it looked like some of these paintings were expensive.
One showing a depiction of the farm caught my eye, and I stopped for a moment to give it a closer inspection. I recognized the barn in the foreground, and the fields further gave way to the house in the distance. There was no shape or form to the house, however. It was more of a blur, almost as if it were an afterthought, or the artist wanted the viewer to be detached from the people who occupied it. I squinted to see if I could find a signature but couldn't locate one.
"Beautiful, isn't it?"
I turned around quickly at the sound of a feminine voice to find Edward's mother beside me. She smiled at me softly. "Hello, Bella. I'm Esme Cullen. It's so nice to meet you."
I smiled and thanked her for inviting me to her home.
"It really is a beautiful painting. Did you have it commissioned?" I asked.
"I did. But I know the artist fairly well, and he gave me a pretty good deal." She replied with a wink.
I nodded, thinking it must be nice to have friends in high places who gave you deals on expensive art. I glanced back at the family photos.
"Do you all live here?" I asked.
She let out a loud laugh and rolled her eyes. "Lord, no!" She exclaimed and linked her arm through mine as we walked toward the living room together.
"Emmett lives in a small cottage on the other end of the property. He comes over for dinner about once a week. Edward lives in an apartment across town. We are all happy having our own spaces. I do not need to know what those boys do with their downtime." She chuckled, and I laughed along with her as we crossed the threshold into the next room. When we entered, I saw Edward, a few feet away, talking to one of his cousins, and I breathed a sigh of relief when I didn't see so much as a flicker around him. His eyes met mine, and he came over quickly.
"Are you okay?"
I nodded, feeling slightly embarrassed, and wondered what I must have looked like when we were out by the fire. Had I looked as deranged as I felt?
"Are you sure?"
"I just didn't eat enough today, that's all," I lied.
He didn't look like he believed me but didn't say anything more about it.
"There's food outside. Let's get you something to eat."
I turned to his mother.
"Mrs. Cullen, it was very nice to meet you. Thank you again for your hospitality. You have a lovely home."
"Call me Esme, sweetheart," she said with a soft smile. "It was a pleasure to meet you too. Don't be a stranger."
I followed Edward outside and noticed a small group had gathered around Alec while he and one of the men played guitars. The soft lulling melodies of Cat Stevens's 'Wild World' drifted over me, and I paused, thinking about Alice. It was one of her favorites when we were growing up. The paintings were what first reminded me of Alice tonight, and a feeling of nostalgia washed over me. Rose had written her off after her last failed stint in rehab, but I kept in contact. I wasn't stupid and never gave her money, but she was still my sister.
"What?" Edward asked with a cocked eyebrow. "The song?"
I nodded.
"It just reminds me of when I was a kid; when things were easier, you know?" I responded quietly.
Edward looked at me for a moment, and I got the impression he understood.
I consumed some chicken and potato salad, and even though I didn't think I was hungry, I did feel better once I'd eaten. Edward kept trying to force a coke on me, but I categorically refused.
"You do know you can soak a car engine in that stuff to clean it, right?"
He looked at me with a wry smile but shut up about the coke after that.
We found two unoccupied chairs near the fire, and soon, I felt myself relaxing as I listened to the music and the laughter of the people around us. Jake and Emmett came over, and we traded ghost stories for the next few hours, and I realized it was the first time in my life that I actually enjoyed Halloween.
By ten o'clock, I told Jake I had to get going. I had to work in the morning.
"It's up to you," I said as we walked toward the trash can to throw away our garbage. "You gonna stay with your boyfriend or what?" His eyes rose to his hairline as he looked at me.
"What? I asked. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing," he replied hurriedly. "Nothing, it's just … do you think … I mean, he hasn't asked me or anything, but do you think …."
I looked over Jake's shoulder at Emmett, who was laughing at something Alec had said. When he saw me, he raised his hand to wave, and his face broke into the most endearing smile I'd ever seen.
"Yeah, he's your boyfriend," I said as I turned back to Jake.
He beamed at me. "He is, isn't he?"
I nodded.
"Shit, I have a boyfriend," he whispered. "I have a fucking boyfriend!" He did a small pirouette before grabbing my hands, and I giggled, overjoyed to see him so happy.
We returned to the group, and Edward stood when we approached.
"Oh my God, he's a gentleman, too," Jake said lowly out of the corner of his mouth.
I fished in my pocket for my keys and smiled at Emmett.
"Thanks for inviting me, Emmett; I had a really good time."
"She did!" Jake chimed in. "And this one, hates Halloween, so that's saying something."
"I'm glad you could make it, Bella. Come back anytime."
I turned toward Edward, who had his hands shoved in his pockets as he took a step toward me.
"I'll walk you to your car, Bella."
My vehicle was just over the ridge, but it was dark, and I'll admit, some of the stories Emmett told earlier had me a little freaked out. Especially the one about the rabid wolves.
"Thanks," I said with a small smile.
I waved to Alec and Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, and Esme waved back before leaning into her husband's side.
Edward and I were silent as we trekked up the gravel road toward the hill. The only sound was the crunch of stones under our feet and the hoot of a lone owl in the distance. As we made our way further from the house, other noises from the woods rang out around us, and I tried not to let them unsettle me. But it was eerie out here in the middle of nowhere, and I was glad Edward had offered to walk me to the car. When I heard what I thought was a wolf howling, I nearly jumped out of my skin and grabbed his hand.
I quickly tried to pull it away, but he wouldn't let me; instead, he laced his fingers through mine without saying a word. I was embarrassed at what I had done, but if I were being completely honest, I liked the way my hand felt in his. It made me feel safe.
"Is this okay?" he asked softly as we continued to walk.
I could only nod in the dark. "Yes," I replied.
It was more than okay - it was perfect.
~!~
When we reached my car, Edward still hadn't released my hand. We stood in the darkness without saying anything, while the nighttime noises created a symphony around us.
"You going to be okay getting home?" He asked softly.
I nodded up at him, not wanting to let go.
"Drive safely," he whispered, moving his face dangerously close to mine.
I could only nod again, tongue-tied by his intense gaze.
"Maybe I'll see you around," I said quietly. "With Jake and Emmett, I mean."
He looked like he wanted to say something else but didn't. Knowing our time was up, I reluctantly removed my hand from his and turned to open my car door. As I did, I spoke over my shoulder.
"So, thanks again; I had a really –"
Before I knew what was happening, his arm came from behind me and shut the door with a soft 'thunk.'
"I want to see you again," he said softly, and my heart skipped a beat at his declaration.
"Tell me you want that too," he said, and I could hear the hope and vulnerability in his voice.
I finally turned, and when I looked at him, I knew I needed to see this man again.
"Yes," I said without hesitation.
He extended his arms and placed his palms against the car on either side of my body.
"Tomorrow?" he asked.
"I work until four." I breathed.
How about six thirty at that place on Pine Street, do you know –"
"I know it," I answered quickly.
He slowly pulled himself away, and the smile he bestowed upon me was so infectious that I couldn't help but smile back as he opened my door. I climbed in, and once settled, he placed his arm on the roof and leaned down.
"Tomorrow …"
I nodded at him while buckling my seatbelt, and he shut my door.
He stared after me as I pulled away, and I watched him in my rearview mirror until his form disappeared into the inky blackness of the night. When I turned out of the driveway, I let out a long shuddering breath before looking at myself in the mirror.
"What the fuck was that?"
~!~
"What are you wearing?" Jake asked.
"Huh?" I responded as I held the phone to my ear and closed the old metal filing cabinet with a loud 'clank.'
"Tonight," he said. "What are you wearing when you meet Edward?"
I paused in front of my desk.
"How do you know about that?"
When he kept silent, I prodded him.
"Jake, how do you know I'm meeting Edward tonight?"
He was quiet for another moment and then folded like a cheap suit.
"Well, we kind of grilled him when he came back from walking you to the car. Emmett plied him with booze, and he told us."
"I don't know yet," I huffed.
I had been stressing about what I was going to wear all day.
"You get off work at four, right?"
"Yeah," I answered distractedly, thinking I might have enough time to run to the mall before meeting Edward.
"I'll be at your place at four thirty."
"Fine," I replied before closing the last filing cabinet with my hip and returning to my desk.
"See you then, sister," he said, and I didn't know whether to be appreciative or scared.
~!~
I arrived early at the restaurant and sat in the booth while smoothing the blue sweater I was wearing.
When Jake arrived at my apartment after work, he looked in my closet and narrowed his eyes in disapproval. "I thought you went shopping with Rose," he said as he turned to me. "You told me you were going fall clothes shopping with her."
I glanced around the room, not meeting his eyes.
"You never went," he huffed.
"Well, I've been busy," I replied defensively. "Work's been hectic, and I've been worried about Alice and ..."
He pushed hangers aside and rummaged through my clothes forcefully.
"This is going to be harder than I thought. It looks like Dante's Inferno in here!"
"What does that even mean?" I snapped.
"What it means is that this closet looks like the gateway to hell." I rolled my eyes at his theatrics and laid back on the bed while he brought out some contenders for the evening.
"This blue one isn't bad," he said as he threw the sweater at me. "It compliments your skin tone. And we know Edward likes vibrant colors," he said distractedly as he buried his head in the closet. "Well, if his paintings are any indication anyway."
I sat up quickly.
"What do you mean, his paintings?" I asked. "What paintings?"
But I already knew. The painting at the house; Edward was the artist.
"The painting in the hallway, by the bathroom," I stated in awe. "Edward painted that, didn't he?"
Jake looked up with a frown, holding one brown boot and one black."
"Where are the mates to these?" he asked before throwing them at my feet and diving back into the closet.
"Jake," I said pointedly. "The painting at the Cullen's house; the one of the farm. Did Edward paint it?"
He turned to me, holding two belts in his hand, critiquing them harshly.
"Jake," I called out in annoyance.
His head whipped up at the tone of my voice.
"Huh? Oh, um, yeah," he said distractedly. He discarded the belts and threw a pair of jeans and a long skirt on the bed.
"Yeah, um, so, apparently, he was some kind of prodigy or something. He's been painting since he was a kid. He did one of the farm and a few others displayed in the house. Emmett took me on a tour. I think Edward even had a showing at a gallery in New York at one point."
I sat on the bed, stunned.
"Well, that's just … wow," I said quietly.
"Yeah," he replied quickly. "He's a real renaissance man. Yada, yada, yada." He clapped his hands in front of me. "Come on, girl, focus. Work with me here."
I chuckled. "It's one date, Jake."
He looked at me pointedly. "It's your first date in three years, Bella. This is a big deal." His face softened as he sat next to me on the bed. "I'm not going to ask what happened between you and Edward last night. Whatever it was, I know it freaked you out. But I also know you well enough to know you'll tell me when you're ready. But until then, I'm going to do everything in my power to get you out into that big, beautiful world that's been waiting for you, honey, and I'm going to do it one fabulous accessory at a time."
I didn't reply but gave him a small smile as I felt my eyes well up with tears. I didn't want to admit to Jake, let alone myself, that I knew just how big a deal this was.
He grabbed the blue sweater between us and held it up to me.
"Now, come on and help me find something decent for you to wear on the lower half of your body. While I'm sure Edward wouldn't be opposed to you showing up without pants, I think the restaurant might have a problem with it."
I rolled my eyes again before lifting myself from the bed and placing my arms around his neck to hug him tightly.
"Thanks, Jake," I whispered. "Thanks for being such a great friend."
~!~
I glanced down again at my outfit. After trying on ten different bottoms, we decided to forego the skirt Jake originally suggested and instead paired it with a pair of dark jeans that made my ass look phenomenal.
But as the minutes ticked by, I began to wonder if this was all a big mistake. What if Edward and I had been caught up in the momentlast night, but now, it just turned out to be awkward?
What if he doesn't show?
My adrenaline spiked at the thought. I hadn't even considered that. What if Edward woke up this morning wondering why he had asked me out? We hadn't even exchanged numbers if he wanted to bail on me.
I checked the time.
6:32
What if, instead of standing me up, the same thing that happened last night happened again? My heart rate accelerated as I thought about the utter terror that gripped me last night when I saw that light and felt that jolt. I didn't think I could handle the intensity of something like that again.
I reached for a breadstick from the basket and gnawed on it compulsively as different scenarios ran through my head. I always ate when anxious and quickly consumed three of them before realizing I was completely covered in crumbs.
"Great," I muttered as I brushed them off.
I pulled the sweater away from my body and stuck my head in to check for any that might have fallen into my bra, and that was when I heard someone clear their throat.
"You're standing right next to me, aren't you?" I asked, my eyes closed in mortification.
"I am," he replied flatly, but I could hear him attempting to hold back his laughter.
I opened my eyes and raised my head as Edward slid into the seat across from me.
"Find anything good in there?" he asked in amusement.
"I'm saving them for later," I quipped.
He laughed, and I let out an internal sigh of relief when I saw not so much as a twinkle around him.
"I'm sorry I'm late," he apologized before rushing forward with an explanation. "The tractor was acting up, and I had to get a part before they closed. I thought I'd left enough time, but -"
I cut him off. "You're not late; it's only…." I checked my phone. "6:34. You wouldn't officially be considered late until at least 6:45."
"Not according to my mother," he chuckled. She taught me better than this."
I tried to brush off his concerns, but hadn't I just been thinking he might not even show?
"Hey, at least you didn't stand me up," I joked.
He looked taken aback. "Did you think I would stand you up?" he asked, and I saw the look of disbelief on his face.
"No, no," I assured him. "I just …"
I went to reach for another breadstick and silently cursed myself when I realized I had already eaten all of them.
"Just what?" he asked.
I suddenly felt uncomfortable as he waited for me to answer.
"I guess I thought maybe last night was just some kind of weird fluke," I answered quietly. "Or maybe we were just caught up in the moonlight … or …."
"Or the firelight?" he asked with a soft smile.
I nodded shyly. "Or the firelight."
"It wasn't a fluke for me, Bella," he said with sincerity. "I feel …" his eyes roamed over my face as he searched for what he wanted to say.
"I feel … a connection to you."
I saw uncertainty cross his features.
"Did that sound like a line? Shit that sounded like a line, didn't it?" he asked in a rush.
"I'm sorry, that's not how I meant it to come across, like a line from some cheesy movie. God, that was dumb." His brows came together as he thought about how he wanted to express himself.
"You, um, you made an impression on me from the first moment I saw you in the pumpkin patch, and I … well, I'd like to get to know you better. I …"
I watched him fumble over his words and felt the need to intervene and let him off the hook.
"You had me at, hello, Edward," I interrupted, trying not to laugh before handing him a menu.
"Let's order. I'm starving."
He hesitated for a moment before cocking an eyebrow.
"You want a coke?" he asked with a wry smile.
I let out a loud laugh before throwing my napkin at him.
~!~
"Wait, like Jesus? As in, the Jesus? Like, the son of God?" Edward asked as he sat back in his chair.
"That would be the one," I confirmed as I took another sip of wine.
The booze was making my lips loose. I never told people that story, at least not people I'd just met. But even if I hadn't been drinking, I thought I might have divulged it. I felt comfortable with Edward. It was irrational, considering I'd known him less than a week, but there it was. I felt like I'd known him much longer.
We had moved to the bar after dinner, where we'd talked about everything from birthing cows to my job working as a counselor.
"So," he asked as he leaned toward me and placed his arm on the bar. "Did you always know that's what you wanted to do?" I drained the remnants of my wine and reached for the water the bartender had placed in front of me before taking a long sip. We were getting into dangerous territory, and I wasn't drunk enough to spill my entire family history.
The water helped, and I shook my head.
"Not really," I answered. "After college, I was going to go to law school." He raised his eyebrows, and I chuckled. "Yeah, I know."
"What changed your mind?"
I must have hesitated for a moment too long because he sat back in his chair. "You don't have to answer that. I don't want to pry."
"No, it's not that, it's just …" I looked up at him and saw nothing but sincerity on his face.
"My younger sister has issues with drugs and alcohol … among other things," I said quietly. "For years, I tried to help her, but it was hard because I was too close to the situation, you know? So, I figured if I couldn't help her, maybe I could help other people."
He didn't say anything and let me continue.
"Apparently, I'm good at it because they haven't fired me yet," I chuckled.
He cast a soft gaze at me and took a sip of his drink. "That's Alice, right?" he asked, and I nodded. Jake told me Edward had asked him a few questions after I'd left the bonfire, but he swore he didn't tell him anything about my 'gift'.
"You're good at taking care of people," he stated.
"Well, …" I began uncomfortably.
"You are," he countered. "It's not hard to see. You take care of Jake and your sister, and it sounds like other people too."
I turned the tables back on him.
"What about you? Did you always know you wanted to be a farmer?"
He smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.
"Emmett did …" he replied quietly, picking at the label on his beer bottle.
"And you?" I prompted.
He raised his gaze, and I could see the pain he was trying to hide. "I thought I did, but …."
Now, I was the one who felt like they were prying. I started to interrupt, to tell him it was none of my business, but he kept talking.
"Emmett's always known who he was and what he wanted. From a young age, he knew he was gay but decided to wait until high school to come out officially. His friends on the football team took it in stride. Hell, most of them didn't even care."
He continued to pluck at the label.
"He's always been in charge of himself and his life, and I'm envious of that."
I didn't say anything and watched as Edward flagged the bartender, who swapped out his empty beer bottle for water.
"So, why did you stop painting?" I asked softly.
He looked at me in surprise and then chuckled. "Jake?"
I nodded.
"Your work is beautiful, Edward.
He smiled, but I could see the anxiety hiding behind it like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.
"Why can't you still do that?"
I could almost picture him sitting in a studio, covered in paint, hair in disarray as he worked the brush back and forth against the canvas.
He sighed and hung his head slightly. "It's not that simple."
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked gently.
His gaze softened, and he leaned over, so his face was inches from mine.
"Not right now, I don't," he whispered.
"Right now, all I want to do is sit here … with you. Is that okay?"
I felt my face get warm at his words, and I nodded. He sat back in his chair and reached over to grasp my hand, lacing our fingers together and smiling at me.
That's all I wanted too.
~!~
We were the only ones left in the restaurant by eleven o'clock, and it became apparent they wanted to close for the night.
We put on our coats, and Edward helped me down from the high bar stool, keeping his fingers intertwined with mine as we walked out the door and into the crisp fall air. When we reached my car, I turned to face him.
"Thank you for tonight, Edward," I said, and he moved closer, raising his hands and pulling the collar of my coat together to fend off the chill.
We stood staring at one another, and I had an overwhelming desire to kiss him.
"Can I see you again?" he murmured.
I nodded and smiled. "I'd like that."
"Good," he whispered.
His eyes were fixated on my lips, and when he lowered his head, I knew it was going to happen. He was going to kiss me.
He pulled me closer, and I rose on my toes, grabbing his arms and closing my eyes just as his lips met mine. They were soft and smooth, their touch light, almost reverent, and I brought my tongue out tentatively and ran it over his bottom lip. When I did, I heard him moan softly before his arms encircled my waist, and he lifted me from the ground. He deepened the kiss, and I raised my hands to grip his hair before feeling a slight shiver run through me.
He set me on my feet, pulling back slowly as he did, and I felt a surge of disappointment.
"You're cold," he whispered against my lips.
With my eyes still closed, I shook my head and smiled.
"I'm fine."
"Now that I have your phone number, can I call you tomorrow?" He chuckled.
I smiled again before finally opening my eyes.
"So, how about -"
I stopped mid-sentence, and he looked at me quizzically.
"Bella?"
I didn't answer. I couldn't speak. All I could do was stare at the white light that surrounded his entire body and floated up into the night sky. I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head from side to side to dispel the image.
"Bella?" he asked anxiously. "What? What's the matter?"
"I … I have to go," I said in a rush as my fight or flight response kicked in. "I have to go, Edward; I'm sorry. I looked into his eyes and saw hurt and confusion, causing me to hesitate. When I did, he jumped at the opportunity.
"Tell me what's wrong," he pleaded. "Tell me what's wrong, and let me help you."
"You can't," I whispered as hot tears rolled down my cheeks. "You can't help me, Edward."
He bent his knees so his eyes were level with mine.
"Talk to me," he pleaded softly.
I looked at his face and watched his aura dance and swirl around him like starlight.
Leave. Leave and go back to your normal, safe life.
But I knew I couldn't do that because it wasn't a normal, safe life that I'd had. It was a prison, one that I had built for myself.
But you had control; you controlled it before you met him.
I looked at Edward and wondered what he saw when he looked at me. Did he see someone crazy?
"There's an all-night coffee shop down the street," he said as his eyes searched mine.
I hesitated again, looking at him and then back to my car.
"Please," he whispered.
"Come with me, Bella."
I watched him through watery eyes, wanting to trust him, wanting to tell someone aside from Jake finally.
"Okay," I said hesitantly and hoped I wasn't making a mistake.
He gave me an encouraging smile as he took my hand, and I finally gave in and allowed Edward to lead me into the unknown.
~!~
"We're going to be late!" Edward called impatiently from downstairs. I hopped across the bedroom floor on one leg while putting on an earring and trying to insert my foot into my other shoe.
"I'm coming!" I yelled before stopping in front of the mirror and reaching into my dress to adjust the girls one final time.
I grabbed my wrap and hustled down the stairs as quickly as possible without breaking my neck in the heels. He was waiting at the bottom, and when he saw me, he extended his arms to the sides, tilted his head back, and looked at the ceiling in an over-the-top gesture.
"Finally!" he huffed, and I rolled my eyes …I mean,please, it wasn't as if he'd been waiting a thousand years or something.
I smiled and rushed to place a quick apologetic kiss on his lips.
"Sorry, sorry! I'm ready; let's go." I pulled on his hand and led him toward the front door, but when he didn't budge, I turned around questioningly. "What? What's the matter? Come on!"
His eyes swept over my form.
"Wait a minute," he said as he pulled me back. "Let me look at you."
I laughed and did a little twirl in front of him.
"You look beautiful," he whispered. "Gorgeous."
"You do, too," I replied. "So handsome."
He leaned down and kissed me softly before I grabbed the keys and held them up in front of him.
"Come on, we need to get going, or we're going to have two very pissed-off grooms."
~!~
I sat at the table watching Jake and Emmett dance, their heads together as they whispered. Jake tipped his head back and laughed at something Emmett said, and I let the pure joy of the day wash over me as I observed them. Edward sat beside me, his arm around the back of my chair, as he moved his fingers across my shoulder lightly. I turned to study his profile and couldn't help but admire the calming white light surrounding him. I rarely blocked it anymore. There wasn't any need. It no longer scared me and only reminded me how far I'd come and how much his love had changed my life. He'd made me stronger, and I hoped I'd done the same for him.
I wouldn't be here if he hadn't convinced me to go to the coffee shop that night. We sat talking for hours, and even though I was afraid, I told him everything. He stayed silent as it poured out of me, and when I was finished, I wondered again if I had made a mistake. But he left his seat and slid next to me, wrapping me tightly in his arms, and that's when I knew I'd made the right decision.
Our relationship has only continued to grow since then, and his love has helped me in ways I never knew were possible. He argues that it was the other way around, that I saved him from a half-lived life. But I just smile and kiss his handsome face, not in the least bit interested in winning this old debate. All I care about is that somehow, we found each other, and that's all that matters to me.
With Edward's support, I found the courage to acknowledge and then try to understand my 'gift.' I found an entire online community comprised of people experiencing the same things I was. I'd spend days lost in chatrooms with ordinary people like myself living with this phenomenon. Some embraced it, and some were reluctant to explore it, like me.
Surprisingly, it was my mother who put me in touch with the woman who ultimately became my mentor. Carmen helped me tremendously. She taught me not to be so afraid. She said I could either do what I had always done and approach it from a place of fear or embrace it and be in a position of power. It was a terrifying process, but with her and Edward's help, I finally allowed myself to stop looking at it as a curse.
Once I did, things changed dramatically for me. It no longer controlled me when I finally let go of the fear. Edward even encouraged me to use my gift with my clients. I was wary at first, but he was right; it enabled me to connect with them in ways I never imagined. If their energy became too much, I had the tools to switch it off quickly and safely so it wouldn't drain or overwhelm me.
Edward left the farm around the same time I started seeing Carmen. As the oldest son, he'd always felt obligated to carry the family's legacy. When his father began to slow down, Edward agreed without hesitation to help run the operation. Naively, he thought he would be able to help his family without sacrificing his true passion. By the time he realized what an unrealistic idea that was, his father had already laid the plans for the boys to take over and start the expansion, and Edward knew he couldn't let them down.
He likes to tell me that I was the one who gave him the courage to voice how he felt, but I know he had it in him all along; he just needed to trust himself. Ultimately, it was decided that their cousin Peter would help run things with Emmett. Esme and I have had long talks about it, and she grapples with her own guilt that Edward felt he couldn't come to them. I tell her he's working on not being such a martyr. She usually laughs before becoming serious and telling me how grateful she is that I'm in her son's life.
"You make him happy, Bella, and that's all I want for him; that's all I've ever wanted for both my boys."
Edward teaches art classes now. He still paints, but primarily for his own enjoyment. After spending most of his youth painting, he realized that desire wasn't as predominant as it once was, and what he really wanted to do was teach.
Feeling my eyes on him, he turned to me and smiled softly. The opening refrain of Susan Tedeschi's 'Loving you is sweeter than Ever,' came on and the upbeat tempo filled the room, encouraging the other guests to venture onto the dance floor. Edward stood, and I took the hand he offered before he led me through the sea of people.
I remember yet before we met.
That every night and day
I had to live the life of a lonely one
I remember meeting you
Discovering love can be so true
When it's shared by two instead of one
He spun me around as we made our way to the center, and Jake and Emmett smiled at us as we positioned ourselves near them.
I rested my head on Edwards's shoulder and gazed at Jake, mesmerized by the gold light that floated from the top of his head. It climbed toward the ceiling while intertwining with Emmett's. The purple and gold streams were so enmeshed that it was difficult to decipher where Jake's left off and Emmett's began.
"You, okay?" Edward murmured.
I nodded against his shoulder before pulling back to look at him.
"It's been the best day, Edward. The very best day."
He smiled before leaning down to give me a gentle kiss.
"The best is yet to come," he whispered in my ear, and I giggled as his breath tickled my skin.
I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly, knowing in my heart that truer words had never been spoken.
