Author: Jeanette Kofoed.
Codes: Voy/DS9 P/B, B/? A/U
Series: Part 4/4
Rating: PG-13. A little graphic sex, but not much.
Archive: Paris Nights, TPD. Anywhere else, you've got to be kidding, who'd want to??? ^_^
Summary: This starts as Tom is attending the Academy, Julian and Tom are lovers, but a fling separates the two.
Disclaimer: The wonderful Characters within this story belongs to Paramount. The plot and the idea however belongs to me.

Dedicated: To Tom, Bashir, Mel and Elli, and also the new Tom/Bashir mailing list "doctorandapilot" Of course also dedicated to all those who read this.

Special note: This is a AU story, and in this Tom is way younger than on the show. He is also gay and not the major flirt that TPTB made him. Julian on the other hand isn't as shy as on the show and, well... the rest you'll notice throughout the story. Kill me if you want.


The Forbidden Kiss

Harry sat watching Tom carefully. Since he had recovered from his injuries Tom had been distant and closed.

Harry was sure that he knew Dr Bashir but Tom had denied it. He had heard some rumors about Julian and Tom but he really couldn't believe it. Some of the other Ensigns had told him that the two had dated at the Academy. The only thing Harry didn't get, was why they then did everything they could to avoid each other. He had wanted to talk to Tom about it but the time hadn't been right yet.

They were stuck in the Delta Quadrant with a Maquis crew onboard, and Tom had started spending his off duty hours with some of them. Harry only saw him when they were having breakfast or playing some holoprogram on the holodeck. Harry missed Tom and he had enjoyed having someone to talk to, someone who apparently understood how it felt to lose someone, and what it was like to be missing someone so much that it felt like ones heart had shattered. Maybe he could help the two get together again if the rumor really was true - it was better than having both of them avoiding each other and looking as if though the world was going to end any minute.

Janeway watched her crew. They were shocked, homesick, and angry and the anger needed to get out. And it sure did. The Starfleet crew and the former Maquis seemed to keep getting into fights, it wasn't just the Maquis' fault but also her own crew's fault. They wouldn't talk or even be seen together with 'the garbage' as they called the Maquis - or at least that was what most of them did. Tom Paris and a few others had been seen interacting with them off duty. Her Chief Helmsman was often seen talking to Chakotay off duty and spending time with other Maquis members. Janeway was proud of him. He wasn't corncerned of what the rest of the crew thought of him - he met whomever he wanted.

And beside,' Janeway thought, with his popularity, he might mend the rift between the two groups.'

Harry went down to sickbay to look for Julian but he couldn't see him anywhere and was about to leave when...

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Julian asked stepping out from his office.

Harry hesitated not really sure what to do. Should he do it? Should he try and mend things - was it a sensible thing to do, to interfere? Harry made up his mind.

"I know about you and Tom."

Yes, the rumors definitely held some truth as he saw Julian turn away, his eyes showing his emotion.

"Ensign Kim, I don't think that this is appropriate for you to discuss."

Julian did his best to discourage Tom's new friend, but it didn't seem to work as Harry continued speaking.

"I don't know what you did, or what Tom did that made you two split up. But you are both miserable and Tom is hurting because he misses you, misses his lover."

Julian looked away, not wanting Harry to see that he had hit a soft spot.

"Look Doctor...Julian. I know Tom and I know that he misses you. Whatever happened between you is not going to get better if you keep avoiding each other. At least talk together, make peace. You owe each other that."

Harry looked Julian deep in the eyes, and after having made sure his words had sunk in he turned around and left Julian to think it through.

Julian stood a few moments thinking. Harry was right. They couldn't just throw their relationship away, at least not without trying. And he also wanted Tom to know how he was feeling. He had almost lost him and he couldn't bear the thought of Tom dying without knowing how he really felt.

He asked the computer for Tom's location and headed towards him

Julian ran after Tom down the corridor.

"Tom wait up." Tom hesitated before stopping, he didn't turn around.

"What do you want Julian?" His voice sounded tired and defeated. Julian moved closer carefully before answering.

"Can we please go somewhere privately to talk. Please?"

Julian had no idea if Tom would agree to talk to him, but after what Harry Kim had said he felt he needed to say something, say that he loved the man before him. Tom stood still, not certain of what he should do. Should he say yes or just ignore him? Chakotay had told him to stop denying what he felt and at least confront Julian but he hadn't had the courage to do it. Maybe now was as a good a time as ever.

Five minutes later they were both seated on Julian's couch, as far away from each other as possible. Tom waited, not sure of what Julian was about to say. Finally the man before him spoke up.

"I'm sorry, Tom, for what I did. You weren't meant to find out," Julian said quietly.

Tom just sat there staring at him, his face filled with shock, which quickly became anger.

"You're sorry, Julian, you're sorry that I found out. Well I'm not, I'm glad. Now I at least know how you feel about me. All the time we were dating and you were sleeping with other people."

Tom felt months of rage surface. He couldn't stop.

"I love you but all that time you were using me."

Tom broke down sobbing on the couch. All Julian could do was stand there thinking. He said he loves me, he still does after everything I did to him.'

He bent down and laid a hand on Tom's leg. Tom didn't respond.

"Tom, I love you. And I never meant to hurt you, and didn't... I just didn't realize my own feelings, I was confused. For me sex has always been uninvolved. I get off and the other one involved gets off. But with you it was different..."

Julian struggled with his words trying to find a way to explain.

"I never wanted to cuddle with other people, I never spent my time in bed afterwards talking about the future with them, I couldn't, but with you I wanted to. But still I couldn't understand what I felt about you and then I slept with others to reassure myself that I wasn't going crazy. Had I known then that this is what love feels like, I would..."

Tom stopped Julian's words with a finger over his lips. He looked deeply into the eyes that he missed so much and loved so dearly.

"Julian, don't try to explain. You did it and...I know I still love you and I know that all you have to do now is to ask me to stay and I would, but please don't. Give me some space and time alone, and then maybe, maybe we'll try again."

Tom stood up, not really wanting to leave the room but he knew he had to. He had to think things through. Julian had said that he loved him, he had said it aloud, but right now Tom couldn't live with only those words, he needed proof. He looked over his shoulder before leaving the room and saw a single tear slip down Julian's cheek.

Maybe, just maybe that is all the proof I need,' Tom thought before the door closed behind him.

Continued?????????

Tell me if I should continue or stop immediately....

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