A/N: Hey, somebody actually read it! Kewl! Alrighty, chapter 2. -but first:

Roadkill writer - Yeah, that was how I came up with the idea; I was trying to think of a logical explanation for all these author fics. And no, I haven't seen 'The Faculty'.

Sun Queen: Urm, I think I have half of the snickers left somewhere in the room - it wasn't that good, they wouldn't give me a nice one, stupid whiners kept complaining about all those little "amusements" that I have devaluing the merchandise - picky, picky.

To all others: I LOVE YOU! I would mention you all individually, but I couldn't think up anything witty.

Alrighty then, on with the fic - and I mean it this time.

Author turned on her computer suspiciously, was this the result of those 40+ pixe stix, the lack of sleep, the alcohol, or the... oh well, the only way to find out was to try. Shrugging she logged in to her fanfiction.net account and let out a gasp. Her computer screen now showed a white box with the instructions: [please type in your command]. Author took a deep breath and typed: [The fellowship was transported to my room] but the computer only flashed [Error: characters may only be transported to The White Room and back to Middle Earth]. Author frowned, what was the big idea? And what the heck was 'The White Room'? Puzzled, she typed [the Fellowship was transported to the White Room] and pushed enter. Suddenly the words faded and an odd whirring was heard.

The Members of the fellowship were minding their own business when they heard a familiar whirring sound. "Not again!" They groaned in unison.

The picture on Author's screen cleared to show a large room with couches, a coffee table and a chair or two - all in white. Author put her brilliant deductive skills to work, decided that was why they called it the white room. But before she could gloat on her genius, there was a flash and the 9 members of the fellowship appeared in the room, their faces showing different versions of annoyance. Author gave a little squeal of delight followed by about 5 minutes of "Ohmygoditsreallythem, thisissocool, hothothot," etc.

"Well, I see the rest of you are here - again." Gandalf said rather tiredly, "Perhaps this one will be reasonable in her..."

"Don't count on in Wizard!" Author interrupted, and began to giggle hysterically. "Ooh, Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir, and HOBBITS! Yummy, yummy, yummy..."

Boromir sighed, "One would think that being dead would offer some protection against this indignity." Legolas nodded grimly, "Perhaps it was tortures akin to these that created the first Orcs."

Author stopped her rambling and looked at the fellowship curiously, "Uh guys, don't you want to know where you are?"

"We know all too well where we are." Aragorn said sourly, "We are to sit here while some mad child such as yourself devises foul ways to amuse yourself. What is your torment this time? Shall we be shown indecent stories about ourselves that have been written by your comrades? Or forced to play some lewd game with no purpose save to make us unable to face our friends for shame?"

Frodo shuddered in recollection of a particularly embarrassing dare he had been forced to do last time - he was still having serious trouble talking to Sam without having nasty flashbacks.

Author grinned impishly, "Well, both actually, and more, but why the long faces? This should be fun."

"FUN?!!" Roared Gimli, "How could any madman see this as fun?" The rest of the fellowship nodded in assent.

"Aw, c'mon guys!" Author pleaded "Be good sports about this whole thing will ya?"

"We most certainly will not be 'good sports' as you put it!" Snapped Legolas. "We know too well what your kind's definition of 'sport' is.

"But... but you have fans to consider! Just look at this." A screen appeared in the White Room, showing a Shopping Mall with a large poster advertising for the 'Two Towers'. Surrounding it was a flock of girls, all drooling over their particular lust object/s. "You see?" Demanded Author, "Everyone loves you." The screen shifted to a bookstore with a large collection of books about the movie, posters and other LoTR paraphernalia. Staring at a poster of the fellowship was girl that looked about 13. "They're soooo dreamy!" The young girl sighed.

"Yeah," Agreed a second girl, a blond in her late teens, "a shame they all die in the next movie."

"Hey!" Author frowned, "That's not right."

The younger girl looked worried. "They... die?"

The older blond nodded. "Yeah, remember how 2 of the hobbits were captured by Orcs?"

"Uh huh."

"And then the human, elf and dwarf set out to rescue them, right?"

"Uh huh, it was sooo cool the way that Aragorn said 'Let's hunt some Orc'."

"It really was, you know." Author added "You were so brave, and rugged and strong! But what's all this about dying?"

Onscreen the older girl was continuing: "Anyway, they try to rescue them, but there are just too many Orcs and they all die - except Gimli."

The preteen's eyes were wide with horror. "What?" She gasped.

The blond looked surprised, "Yeah, sure. Why, didn't you read the books?"

"Um, no." The younger girl stuttered. "They were long, and had big words."

Author was confused. "That never happened, what's going on?"

Oblivious to her audience, the blond went on: "The other 2 hobbits get the chop about halfway through. They make it to Mount Doom, but Frodo's been messed up by the ring so he won't throw it in. Sam tries to wrestle the ring away from his master to save him, but they both end up falling into the Volcano - along with the ring. The rest of the story is about mopping up the Orcs, and elves leaving Middle Earth etc."

By this time the poor little girl was shaking violently. "That can't be true! I don't believe it! You're lying!"

The other girl shook her head sadly. "Sweetie, it's the truth. If you don't believe me..." She looked around for a moment before approaching a young man who looked like he was in his early twenties. "Excuse me sir, but have you read the Lord of The Rings trilogy?"

The young man looked rather puzzled. "Actually I have, why?"

The blond smiled pleasantly "Do the Hobbits die in book 2?"

He nodded sadly. "Yep, the cousins get killed by the Orcs, and the other two become charbroiled, extra crispy."

"And the rest?"

The boy looked thoughtful for a moment "Well, you know that Boromir died, Strider and Legolas die fighting Orcs in book two, but the rest of the fellowship survives - oh and Gandalf wasn't really dead."

Upon hearing her fears confirmed, the girl's lip began to tremble and she ran out of the store, eyes brimming with tears.

"We were not killed by Orcs!" Merry and Pippin sounded bewildered.

"And I never tried to take the ring from Master Frodo!" Sam was outraged.

Gandalf nodded "This is indeed strange."

"Perhaps not." Mused Boromir "Look."

On the screen the blond and the young man high-fived each other before dissolving into peals of laughter.

"What!!" The author was livid "How dare they! Doing that to an innocent fan... hmm, maybe I should try it on some of my friends."

Meanwhile the pair in the bookstore was attempting, rather unsuccessfully, to regain their breath. "I swear Nate, this is better than telling five-year-olds that there isn't a Santa!" The blond seemed very pleased with herself.

"Hell yeah!" The guy that the observers took to be Nate agreed. "We can do this all year! Or at least until the next movie comes out. "

"What do you mean there isn't a Santa?" Author demanded "Dammit, I was wondering why I didn't get you boys in my stockings last year! I figured Santa was just being a stickler about those naughty/nice rules because of that whole, ahem... incident with the..."

"No need to explain!" Gandalf said rather hastily, as the rest of the Fellowship nodded vigorously. Experience had taught them that things left unsaid had less ability to keep them awake at night with unpleasant (or just plain freaky) mental pictures.

Onscreen the blond dug in her purse and retrieved a small notebook. "Anyway, that latest twit just made the score 5-3 in my favor, which means lunch is on you boy."

Nate grinned. "Savor victory while you can Mel, 'cause it's the last time you'll win."

"Oh I don't think so." The blond - Mel, gave her companion a superior smile "I'm just more believable, it's a gender thing - guys bond over sports talk, girls bond over studs. Sharing a common interest in a cute male is enough to make any 2 girls hit it off and it generates trust... well, as long as it's an actor or character that there's no danger of either of them actually getting together with. Besides, who could imagine angelic little me deliberately deceiving anyone for the fun of it?" Mel's face showed mock innocence.

"Let's see," Nate pretended to think for a moment "how about anyone who's known you over five minutes?"

"Oh ouch Nate, I feel the pain." Mel drawled, "Now where's Tara?"

Nate shrugged "Dunno, she's usually not late." Picking up one of the character guides to the Fellowship of the Ring, he leafed through it, seeming rather bored. "Do you think the actors resemble what Tolkein had in mind for his characters?"

Mel shrugged "How should I know, I never read the books. Does it matter?"

Nate frowned "Well Tolkein did say that Elves were the 'Fairest creatures of Middle Earth' right?"

"I'll take your word for it, why?"

Nate showed the page he was looking at to Mel "Take a look at who they chose for Celeborn."

Mel snorted "Hell, if that's 'The Fairest' than Middle E. must be one butt-ugly planet!"

"My thoughts exactly." Nate agreed, "What do you think they would have looked like?"

Mel pondered for a moment; "I never really cared enough to wonder. Although... come to think of it, they'd probably look something like Anime characters."

"Anime characters?" Nate raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah" Mel nodded, "Tall, pretty, big eyes, long hair, all look the same, can't tell any difference between the genders unless they're not wearing shirts - you know, Anime."

Gimli let out a rather rude laugh, while Legolas muttered under his breath.

"Don't worry sweetie" Author cooed "I still think you're all masculine yummy-ness." This only caused Gimli to laugh harder, while the rest of the fellowship was trying hard not to smile.

Nate was snickering "Do ya think they cross-dress as often as Anime characters do?"

Mel grinned impishly "Well, eternity is a long time to live, I suppose they need some hobbies."

"Hey!" Author seemed upset "My Leggykins does not cross-dress! Although he might look cute in..."

"Certainly not!" Legolas said, flushing.

Mel and Nate were still laughing when a second girl approached them demanding "I just ran into a middle-school girl, the poor thing was crying and babbling some nonsense about constructing a funeral shrine for hobbits. What have you two been up to?"

Mel's face was the epitome of hurt and indignation. "Why Tara, whatever makes you think we'd have anything to do with something like that?"

"Because I know you two." Tara snapped "don't you have any conscience?"

"Nope." Nate said cheerfully while Mel agreed, "Sold the damn things on E-bay, made a nice bundle too."

Tara sighed, and pinched the bridge of her nose, "You two are hopeless."

"Oh c'mon, it's not like we told a group of Kindergartners that the Easter Bunny got run over by a car or something." Mel was still chuckling.

"Actually Mel," Nate pointed out, "we did, remember? They didn't stop bawling for hours."

"Yes, well..." Mel dismissed the incident with a wave "This is different. Anyone who takes a make-believe world that seriously at her age is just asking for it."

"Yeah," Nate agreed, "by the way when do they come out?"

Mel smirked "The movies or the rest of the cast?"

"The movies, Mel." Nate rolled his eyes.

Tara looked confused. "The movies come out at Christmas time, why?"

"Well, we could all go together - whaddaya say?" Nate smiled, happy to have changed the subject.

"Sounds great," Tara agreed "what about you Mel?"

Mel shook her head "Nah, my family likes to do stuff together at Christmas, watching movies is one of the preferred options - we don't have to actually talk to each other that way. Anyway, we saw Lord of the rings last year, so seeing Two Towers is definitely on the list."

Tara shrugged "So see it twice."

"Are you kidding?" Mel laughed, "That thing is 3 hours long - twice is not an option! C'mon, I'm hungry and Nate's paying."

Author sat, stunned "Twice... not... an... option? ONLY BECAUSE SIX IS THE FUCKING MINIMUM! You insolent scum! I hope you die by paper cuts! If I was over there right now I'd... hold up, I've got Author powers! Hehehe, none shall mock and remain safe." Author laughed maniacally, cueing the 'evil music' sound track. "Oh you will be sorry! Oh yes, so very, very sorry."

Muahaha! What will Author think up for the insolent mockers? Will the Funeral website for Hobbits become reality? What is the answer to 5x^5 - 43x^-2 + 8y? Is there any answer to the math question, and if so why would anyone other than Satan care? All shall be answered in the next chapter except for the math - it's still a mystery and even if I knew I wouldn't tell you - it's more fun this way.

Oh yeah, and review or I shall force you to figure out the math.