Haha! I'm back! Thought you were rid of me did you?
Disclaimer: IT'S MINE! ALL MINE! I'M RICH, I SHALL RULE THE WORLD AND... nope, still not mine - dammit!
***
To say Author was angry would be a gross understatement - in reality she was somewhere between furious and nuclear meltdown. "Twice not an option my ass! I'll teach them to mock the greatest movies ever made! Let's see, hmmm..."
Author punched [The three teenagers were devoured by rabid weasels] on to the keyboard, but the computer only flashed [Error: Author may not alter the reality of her own world.]
"Dammit!" Screeched Author "How am I supposed to teach them a lesson if I can't have them die??!"
Author began randomly kicking things in her room while the fellowship exchanged nervous glances. As much as they disliked Author, the idea of a homicidally angry Author with nowhere to vent her irritation was a lot worse. But Author soon cooled down and returned to the keyboard.
"Sorry about that guys. Now where was I?"
"You were about to send us home?" Sam asked hopefully.
"Nice try, but no." Smiled Author "I think I'll start with... wait a minute, that computer said I couldn't alter this reality, it never said I couldn't... hehehe" Author pushed a few buttons and another flash was seen, followed by the three teens that they had been watching earlier.
The fellowship took a step back. Other Authors had transported friends to the White Room before, and the results were... well, scary.
The teens looked around, confused. "Okay, where are we and why are you guys dressed like Robin Hood?" One of the girls - Mel demanded.
"You're in the presence of the Fellowship of the Ring - you heretic." Author was sounding awfully smug.
"The Fellow-what?" Nate seemed confused. "Oh, you mean like Tolkien stuff!"
Mel smiled "That's cool, I didn't know the Mall was hosting a convention. Nice outfits by the way - you guys really look authentic."
"Au-what?" Asked Pippin, hoping this one wouldn't try to tackle him like the last girl that had been transported to the White Room.
"Yeah she's right." Nate agreed, "Especially you hobbits, you really look like... well, hobbits."
"You're not getting it." Author was becoming annoyed. "This is the real fellowship!"
"Um," the quiet one - Tara, spoke up timidly, "they don't really look like the guys in the movies"
"Of course they don't, stupid! These are the real things!" Author couldn't see how some people could be so dense.
"Yeah, of course." Mel rolled her eyes "How silly of us to have missed it. Now... where is that voice coming from?"
"I'm so glad you asked dearie." Author was enjoying this immensely. "I am..." she paused for a moment to give her words the proper effect, "...The Author."
She pushed the button cueing the 'Ethereal Music' effect. "I have observed your appalling behavior and decided that your lack of reverence for all things Tolkien and Peter Jackson must be due to ignorance, and most likely a traumatic childhood. Therefore I am willing to overlook your sacrileges and am here to restore your faith in dreams and..."
"Oh God!" Mel interrupted "Is this going to be like those crappy movies on the Disney Channel where we all learn the true meaning of Christmas?"
The 'Ethereal Music' sound effects ground to a halt and Mel found herself suspended over a live snake pit. "Look," Author said, her voice fast losing its benevolent tone. "I'm being nice here so shut the hell up and listen!"
"She's sorry - real sorry." Nate said hastily "Aren't you Mel?"
Mel nodded, her eyes wide "Yes, very sorry, faith restored, love Tolkien - can I get down now?"
"What about the Disney Channel?" Author demanded.
Mel nodded enthusiastically. "Love them too, love all things Disney, I'll build a shrine to the damn mouse – just put me down! Please?"
"Alright." The snake pit disappeared and Mel was back on the floor. "Just don't forget who's in charge here." Author began cackling happily "I'm in charge, ultimate power, I rule over all - and don't you forget it!"
Mel nodded "I won't forget - at this point it would take years of serious therapy to even try." But the last part of that was muttered under her breath, and so Author ignored it.
"Good! Well, I need to get myself some food, so everybody introduce yourselves and be nice - not too nice though." Author cued her 'Ominous Music' theme. "All the guys are mine, so don't get any ideas."
"Yeah right," Mel snorted. "I'm in a room full of unwashed males old enough to be my fathers, grandfathers, or in some cases bloody evolutionary ancestors! Oh, and short people. I'll try to contain myself."
"Good." Snapped Author "Now everyone get to know each other and I'll be back soon - toodles."
Nobody moved or spoke for a minute. "Uh," Nate sounded cautious, "is she gone?" The speaker was silent.
Mel instantly began to swear, in about four different languages; commenting in lurid and extensive detail on Author's breeding, personal habits and improper relationships between various family members and animals.
Tara blushed bright red and covered her ears, the members of the Fellowship were alternately amused or annoyed. Nate merely ignored Mel's entire outburst.
"Hello, I'm Nate, that's Tara, and the one inventing new words in the corner is Mel. I could try to guess your names, but I'd probably get them wrong anyway, so..." Nate shrugged, seeming perfectly calm, considering he was in a room without a door - or a logical explanation for anything that had happened, for that matter.
Mel paused in her rant for a moment and addressed Gimli. "Excuse me, but are there any Dwarvish words for bitch? I seem to have run out."
Gimli seemed taken back, but answered doubtfully, "There are..." Before Gandalf cut him short.
"There is no need for that! If we must endure your company, I would prefer it to be silent." Mel opened her mouth to tell Gandalf exactly what she thought of that, but shut it again at the sight of the wizard's rather intimidating glare and retreated."
"That is much better." Gandalf smiled, and then proceeded to introduce himself and his companions. After that there was a long silence. The teenagers were, for lack of a better word, creeped out by the whole experience and those from Middle Earth were not eager to have anything to do with people from Author's world.
Finally Nate tired of the quiet. "So, who is this Author chick, and what did you people (or us for that matter) do to piss her off?"
Aragorn sighed, "This 'Author' was observing you three and took offense to the comments of your..." he nodded his head towards Mel, "free-spoken friend there, and brought you here determined to make you pay. As for my companions and I, we know not by what sorcery we are brought here, just that all too often we are spirited away without a moment's leave to face these..." Aragorn trailed off, unable or perhaps unwilling to properly describe fangirls.
"Bummer." Said Nate sympathetically, while Tara and Mel inched to the farthest corner away from the others and busied themselves with some trivial matter, trying to ignore the Fellowship all together. The Fellowship, in return were watching the two girls with some apprehension.
Nate looked at the Fellowship, puzzled "What's wrong?"
Legolas nodded towards Tara and Mel. "Do your friends..." he stopped, uncertain of how to phrase his question.
"We have met certain... fangirls in the past." Finished Frodo, looking scared.
Nate chuckled, "Oh, that. Nah, don't worry, Tara's an awful prude. Not her fault really - her parents had a genetic stick up their butts and dedicated their lives to keeping their 'little angel' safe from all things worldly. As for Mel... well, she's wild but at the moment, I'd say she's far too annoyed and weirded out at this whole situation to think of flirting; besides, none of you are really her type."
"Damn right." Mel agreed while Tara spluttered indignantly. "My parents are not..."
"Yes they are, Tara." sighed Nate.
Mel nodded. "They really are, you know. I've been trying to corrupt you for three months straight - practically working round the bloody clock too - incredibly frustrating." She shook her head sadly "Damn morality - bane of our country and oppressor of all good fun."
Tara flushed, trying to cover her embarrassment, she busied herself with looking through a stack of papers that were on one of the many coffee tables. She frowned at something; looking confused and then leaned over towards her friend. "Mel, what does this mean?" She asked, showing her one of the papers she had been reading.
Mel gave the paper a bored look - not really caring, but then again, what else was there to do? Upon reading the section that Tara had pointed out, Mel's eyes widened and she promptly swallowed her gum.
"What the holy fuck!!?" Mel coughed before breaking into laughter. Still choking on the gum, she motioned for Nate to take a look at the paper Tara was holding.
---- What evil will Author devise once she has regained her sugar-induced madness? What does Mel think is so funny and how much will it cost the others in psychiatric fees when they find out what it is? All will be answered in the next chapter... or they will not be answered - depending on the phases of the moon, the pollen count and whether or not the Powers That Be (Bored With Nothing Better To Do But Wreak Havoc on Life) feel happy.
A/N: Yeah, it wasn't that good, but the next chapter will be better.
