Hello again! Before we start I would like to say a little something to that Sandrock... person.
Fred? FRED? HOW DARE YOU! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM YOU EVIL DEMON KIDNAPPER? GIVE ME BACK MY DEMON-MONSTER! NOW! Please? *sniffs* I miss him, and he was supposed to eat my political science teacher. WAAAAH!! Another thing, stop calling him Fred; his name is Bunny! Really, giving a ferocious demon a pansy name like Fred - Demons have dignity you know.
***
Alrighty, now where we left off, the evil yet seductively beautiful android sex-bots were about to unleash their most deadly attack ever! The dreaded G-string assault! Our heroes were... oops, sorry, wrong script. *blush* Now where did I put that... ah yes, here we go.
Nate walked over, curious as to what was making Mel laugh to the point of asphyxiation. Looking at the papers that Mel was holding he chuckled. "Ah, fanfics - graphic slash to be specific."
Frodo winced. The last 'fanfic' he had read was an AU that involved him working as a stripper at the Prancing Pony in a very mangled love triangle (or hexagon, to be precise) between Sam, Aragorn, Faramir, Legolas, a random Orc and a "fiesty yet caring" beautiful hobbit lass/barmaid/warrior with a tragic past. Since then he had avoided so much as looking at anything written in the White Room, the mental images were often traumatizing.
Tara was still puzzled by Mel's reaction, and so she turned to Nate. "What's so funny? I don't understand this whole paragraph." Handing the original paper to Nate she pointed to a certain line.
Nate took a look and smiled slightly before handing the paper to Mel. "I believe it's your turn this time." He said.
Mel had recovered her breath by now and shook her head. "No way, I explained 'Not Another Teen Movie' complete with definitions of rug-muncher and that whole pink vibrator scene."
Nate sighed. "And I did the South Park movie. Stop trying to weasel out of it - it's your turn and you know it."
Boromir raised a questioning eyebrow, and Nate explained: "Mel and I take turns explaining certain... things to Tara - her upbringing left her rather ignorant in a few areas."
Frodo looked confused. "So what is a pink..." but he was interrupted by Nate "Trust me Frodo, you don't want to know." Frodo decided to take Nate's word for it.
Meanwhile Mel had been whispering something to Tara, who was rapidly turning a bright shade of red. Mel giggled as Tara stared at the Fellowship, her eyes wide with horror before scooting to the farthest away from them as she could manage.
Mel laughed outright. "Okay sweetie, I think that's enough slash lemon for you. That stuff will warp your mind faster than drano at your innocent mental state, and I'd rather not have that happen just yet - I was planning it for summer.
Mel rummaged through the stack of papers. "Ah, here we go - a PG-13 romance. Most likely a Mary-Sue with no plot, but at least you won't have a heart attack halfway through - enjoy." She handed the folder to Tara who took it eagerly, glad to have something to get her mind off... that."
Mel was looking at the fic responsible for Tara's near-breakdown and raised her eyebrows. "Most interesting." She smirked "I never realized hobbits were so... inventive." She continued to leaf through the stories "Let's see, smut, smut, smut, and ooh..." she grinned wickedly, "seriously hard-core smut!" She seemed to be enjoying her ability to embarrass the others far too much.
"Legolas and Aragorn, the cousins doing... un-cousin-like things together, Frodo and Sam, Legolas and Boromir, Legolas and Gimli and... multiple Orcs?" Curiously she opened that folder and gave the contents a look before shutting it quickly. "Bloody hell, that's just wrong! Impressive though," she gave Legolas a sly look. "That must really take some flexibility" the smirk widened. "Not to mention stamina."
Nate rolled his eyes. "Oh, knock it off Mel!"
"Indeed!" Added Legolas, his face now almost as red as Tara's was "Have you nothing better to do?"
"Well," Mel's face showed mock thoughtfulness, "Let's see, stare at wall, stare at other wall, watch seasoned fighters blush like schoolgirls... nope, this is definitely the most amusing option. Ah, here are some nice ones: what do you know, Frodo and Legolas are actually girls, ooh here's another one about you, Blondie - however do you find the time? Elrond and..."
Gandalf strode towards Mel until he was about three inches from her face. "If you do not stop this foolishness child, I will render you incapable of making a sound." Mel shut up rather quickly, "Yes Sir" she said, meekly, much to Nate's surprise - he hadn't thought it was possible for anyone to make Mel behave – short of tranquilizers.
The silence was at last broken by Tara - apparently she had finished the story she was reading and was now dabbing her eyes with a tissue. "That's so sweet!" She sniffed to a dumbfounded Legolas. "I'm so happy for you two!"
Everyone was at a loss for words until Mel chuckled quietly. "Um, Tara, I don't think that really happened."
Sam laughed. "Begging your pardon Miss, but if half the stories written had actually happened, Mister Frodo and Legolas would have harems larger than the Shire and Mirkwood put together."
Nate grinned widely "Now there's a thought! A harem full of Mary-Sues." He sighed wistfully. "That would be nice."
Mel smiled sweetly. "Why don't we ask your girlfriend about that one Nate? I'm sure we could manage to give you a lovely funeral."
"Ha ha," Nate said dully. "You know..."
But he was cut short by a painfully chirpy voice over the loudspeaker. "Hello, I'm back! Was everybody nice?" It was Author, fueled up on sugar with God-knows-what on her mind. (On second thought, I think we can all guess - but would rather not)
Tara frowned "But if these stories didn't happen, why can this Author make things happen?"
"Because I said so, that's why." A loud voice boomed through the air and the wannabe tyrant formerly known as Sauron, now known as that #%&@$^ appeared in the room with a burst of flame. "You fools thought you had beaten me, but now I have the ultimate revenge!"
Tara spoke up timidly "You mean this is just payback?"
"Of course it is 'just payback' you fool! Why do people assume that I will not seek revenge? It is in the stupid rhyme as plain as day - what is so hard to understand? Are the words 'Dark Lord' associated with forgiveness? You imbeciles spend millennia in mortal fear of me, and then all of a sudden it's 'See you later, no hard feelings'??!!!
Mel nodded. "That must really suck. Now I do sympathize, but if the 'Dark Lord' will forgive my asking, why the fuck are we here?"
Sauron made a noncommittal sound and Tara thought that she saw him shrug. "You seem to be doing a good job of tormenting them. Not as good as some others have done, but it is enough. I have given this author the power, so if she wishes to keep you her, she may."
"But... but that's not fair!" Mel pleaded, "We didn't do anything to piss you off!"
"Fair?" Sauron roared "Tell me, do the words 'Dark Lord on his Dark Throne' sound like someone who cares about being 'fair'?"
Nate spoke up hurriedly, "What she means is that she would love to stay, but we feel that we are unable to best serve your evilness in this way. We therefore humbly request leave to be released so that we may, uh..."
"Convert the masses to your dark side!" Mel finished eagerly. "So can we please go?"
"Request denied!" Sauron bellowed. "Though I must say, it felt good to be groveled before once again, ah the sweet memories of pleading victims in days long past."
The eye grew misty, unfortunately, as it was also flaming, the room quickly filled with steam.
Mel was pissed - she had tried to be nice, and he says 'No, but it was fun watching you beg'? Nobody did that and got away with it!
"Oh go bugger an Orc you one-eyed freak! Or does that bring back fond memories as well? No wonder you lost the war, were you too busy with your little Orc-bitches to realize that the midget over there was frolicking around with the ring right under your very nose? Dark Lord my ass - pervy Orc-fancier is more like it!"
She would have continued but Nate had clamped a hand around her mouth and was desperately trying to wrestle her to the ground. Unfortunately for the teens - and fortunately for the fellowship who were eagerly looking forward to Mel's impending doom, (The fanfic jibes had struck a nerve) Mel was not only quite strong for her size, but awfully good at wrestling.
"You insolent worm!" Sauron sounded really upset now. "I will make you rue the day you were born!"
Mel broke free of Nate. "Blow me!" She snapped. "Wait a minute, you can't even do that now, can you? Tell me, just what were you planning on doing - you can't even blink, you pathetic excuse for an eye drop commercial!"
Sauron paused, rather at a loss.
"Don't worry Your Evilness" Author said, "I'll take care of her. She is to be re-educated. It's not her fault really - I think she had a rough childhood."
"Good." Sauron agreed pettishly "Do something painful." The eyeball vanished. Much to the relief of Tara and Nate but much to the disappointment of certain others who were hoping for a certain girl to be fried to a very certain crisp.
Frodo was staring in disbelief. The Sauron whose disposition he had had the severe displeasure of knowing to some degree would have taken a special delight in making anyone foolish enough to utter a tenth of what that Mel had just said writhe in unbearable agony for the rest of existance. Apparently, the prolongued exposure to authors had changed him, but the clincher was that Frodo couldn't tell if he was pleased or sad at this strange change.
Mel was still angry. "My childhood was just fine! I do not need to be re-educated, I need to go home before I stick my boot up your..." Nate leapt forwards just in time to stop that last comment.
"Jesus Christ Mel! Shut the hell up before you really piss her off." Mel sat down on one of the sofas grumbling and muttering something under her breath.
"Now, now!" Author said in an unbearably condescending tone. "That's better. You know, you remind me of one of the other characters. He was also mean, but I think he had a good side buried in him somewhere; all he needed was someone to understand him. I think you two would get along splendidly."
There was another flash followed by a small, froglike creature. Frodo and Sam groaned. "Not him!"
"Yes!" Author chirped. "I always thought that poor Gollum was misunderstood - oh stop that everyone! He really isn't that bad."
Everyone in the room was franticly building a barricade with the sofas in the corner opposite to Gollum.
"C'mon, knock it off!" Author pleaded. "You'll hurt his feelings."
Nate paused for a moment; he seemed to be thinking hard. Then he spoke up.
"You know Mel, when you think about it, Gollum is indirectly responsible for us being here."
Mel looked up from the couch that she and Gimli were carrying to make the 3rd wall. "How do you figure that?"
Nate smiled. "Well, if Frog-boy over there never bit the ring off of Frodo's finger, then Frodo wouldn't have thrown it in, which means Sauron would have recaptured it eventually, which means he would be too happy enslaving Middle Earth to do things like give Author-powers to crazy fangirls."
Mel abruptly dropped the couch that she had been carrying - right on to Gimli's toe. "That's right!" She hissed, looking at the confused little former-hobbit venomously. "This is all his fault! Die bitch!"
Mel leaped over the sofas and charged at Smeagol- who still didn't get what was going on.
"Precious?" Gollum hissed wonderingly before receiving a kick that sent him flying across the room.
"Not precious, you little shit - pain!" Mel continued to attack while Nate shouted from behind the makeshift fort "She has the ring! Get her!"
Gollum leapt at Mel's throat, only to get a painful kick to the head. All in all it was a fairly even match - Gollum was faster and had sharp teeth, but Mel was taller and had fought with her brothers all through childhood. Plus, her jeans and leather jacket were protecting her from most of Gollum's bites when he managed to slip past her guard.
Nate sat down happily. "Right, well that takes care of that for the time being."
Everyone else stared at Nate. Tara was frantic "We have to help her!"
"Later." Nate shrugged. "Mel's in a pissy mood, and if she keeps on insulting the Author, we're never gonna get out of here; better to let her take it out on fish-breath over there, besides, this is fun." He eyed the fight critically "He really looks malnourished. Ten bucks say she decks him in 5 minutes."
"I'll take your wager, boy." Gimli laughed, ignoring Gandalf's disapproving look.
Apart from Tara, who hated violence because it was 'nasty, and people might get hurt', everyone was soon enjoying the fight, which now had a number of wagers laid on the outcome. Author had tried to get the Hobbits to bet a strip show, but Nate pointed out that being the author, it would be unethical for her to participate in the betting.
"Eh, do you think we should break them up?" Pippin asked, "They're starting to get serious."
Gollum had gotten a tight grip around Mel's neck, and was starting to squeeze so Mel kicked Gollum in the *ahem* lower regions and got a good elbow hit in.
"Alright, that's enough." Author pushed a few buttons and separated the two brawlers, much to the protests of Nate and Gimli, who had yet to resolve their bet.
"Hey!" Nate protested "How are we supposed to settle the bets now?"
"You'll just have to cancel I guess." Author said spitefully "Serve you right for not letting me in on the pool!"
"Spoilsport!" Nate grumbled, but didn't look too put out, Gollum was surprisingly resilient and Nate had begun to suspect that it would take Mel over the 5 minutes that he had bet to end it.
"Yeah well, there's nothing you can do about it, so put the couches back, and everyone get into a circle." Author retorted. "We're going to have a little group therapy talk - namely some anger management."
"Do we have to?" Merry had thought that the fort was rather nice and did not want to sit next to Gollum - fish smell.
"Yes you do. Now let's see..." Author pushed a few buttons and the various injuries that Gollum and Mel had acquired disappeared.
"Wow, neat!" Mel was impressed "You're actually pretty cool, Author - wait a minute, does this mean all of his injuries are gone too?" She glared at Gollum "Now I'll have to do it all over again."
"Oh no you won't!" Author warned, "Now sit!"
A/N: Well, as you can guess, there will be another chapter, so come back next time. See ya!
