Hello all! Cheer with joy, for I am back!
*crickets* I said cheer dammit!
*one small half hearted "yay"*
*Pulls out Bunny, the demon-monster* Alrighty, lets try this again shall we?.
*frightened screams and general pandemonium*
Ahh, much better.
Disclaimer: This is the disclaimer that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, one Author started typing it, not knowing what it waaaaas, and she'll continue typing it forever just becaaaaause... do we really have to go through this again?
Now the few words: Ninja Soda and Ninja Slush - Yippee! I'm loved! I get to kill Mary Sues!
A/N: The aforementioned are gonna put me in their Fic, So read it! They're funny.
Honesty: I'm worshiped? MUAHAHA! I shall start my own cult and rule the world!
Slush Puppy: My deepest condolences, glad I could cheer you up - The world always needs more perversion.
Fairy glitter: Well, if you see Sandrock, tell him that I'm still gonna get him for what he did to Bunny! *mutters to self* Fred - Bah!
Madam Blueberry: Thank yew, thank yew!
To all the rest: I LOVE YOU!
Now where were we? Ah yes:
Group therapy was not going well. Author was beginning to suspect that her 'patients' were only agreeing with her so they could leave as soon as possible and some of her 'patients' seemed to be downright hostile to each other.
Mel had apologized to Gollum, and they seemed to be on semi-decent terms, but then again, Author could have sworn that she caught a sarcastic note in Mel's voice when she apologized for 'stomping hell on your puny ass'. Gollum wasn't too angry with Mel, but he had not forgiven Nate for 'lying' about the Precious' and he seemed to have former grudges against most of the Middle Earth characters in the room. Besides, he still seemed to be confused about how he got to the white room - the resurrection from the Volcano seemed to be messing with his already mangled brain.
They had discussed most of the 'misconceptions' that Author had noticed the 3 teens talking about before in the Mall, and were now on the subject of Elves - mainly how they did not cross-dress.
"Alright, alright, we all get it!" Mel rolled her eyes. "Elves do not cross-dress, nor do they pass millennia by thinking up naughty positions, they are innocent little dears who spend eternity playing music and hugging trees! Lesson learned! Could we please change the subject? I'm getting creeped out."
Gollum nodded "Smeagol doess not care what nasssty Elvessss do in their free time. We wantsss to go!"
Mel leaned over and whispered something to Gollum, who shook his head and addressed Legolas. "Smeagol not interested in going out with Elvessss but say thankssss for asking usss."
Legolas made an indignant choking sound while Mel burst out laughing at the sight of his face, clutching her sides for air. Nate, Gimli, and the cousins were also howling with laughter while Tara giggled nervously. Aragorn and Boromir smiled tolerantly - at least she wasn't assulting or openly leering at anybody. The two older hobbits looked rather scandalized. Gandalf just looked mildly irritated.
"That was not amusing!" Legolas protested.
Mel was gasping for air, but managed to retort, "I'm sorry, it just struck me that you two would get along well. You know, you both have great night vision, I'm thinking maybe a little romantic stargazing."
Nate shuddered "Stop please! I'm getting some really bad mental images here."
"Why Nathan!" Mel admonished, "You really should be more tolerant of these things; all that matters is that they're happy."
Legolas grimaced. "I would be happy if you would stop your foul jokes."
Mel shrugged. "They pass the time."
"Alright, that's enough!" Author interrupted, "In case you have forgotten, it is my job to torture and make the witty comments, it is your job to shut up already and start learning about Middle Earth!"
"Um, yeah, I'm sorry about that." Mel said, but her tone implied otherwise.
Author narrowed her eyes suspiciously, "No you're not."
"Well," Mel amended, "I feel a little sorry."
"No you don't!" Author snapped
"Yes I do."
[This continued for quite some time, so we shall skip the finer points of the debate]
******
Later, the argument was still going.
"You most certainly do not!" Author stated with finality.
"Hey, I'm a conscientious person, I can definitely feel guilt over making somebody feel bad and... hold on, that's not right, wait a minute." Mel paused, "No, you were right, I don't."
Nate rolled his eyes. "I really hate both of you."
"Shyaddup!" Author said absently, "Okay, next subject: Geography - you know, where stuff is."
This was greeted by loud protests. "Oh stop that." Author snapped, "Geography is a very important part of Middle Earth history."
Nate grimaced, "And an even more important part of torture!"
"Precisely!" Author grinned, "You forget I'm still demented and evil!"
"No," Boromir sighed, "I can assure you we have not forgotten."
"Aw, thanks!" Author sounded genuinely touched. "But you're still not getting out of it. Let's see... Legolas lives in Mirkwood, and um... Aragorn, you've traveled everywhere, why don't you take this one?" Author wasn't exactly a ruling authority on this subject.
Aragorn sighed and began to speak in a dull monotone about some distant place. Author's eyes glazed over - she thought the guys were cute, but didn't care too much about where they were (as long as they were shirtless). She was on the verge of nodding off when she realized that her "students" weren't paying attention either!
Tara had fallen asleep on Mel's shoulder, Mel was thoroughly absorbed in a thumb-war game against Merry, and Nate was playing some kind of card game with Gimli and the other hobbits. The only people listening to Strider were Legolas, Gandalf and Boromir and... wait a second! They weren't even speaking a language she understood! Quickly Author typed in a translation order to the computer and realized they were discussing ways to get out!
"Why you little..." Author stopped and tried to control her anger. "Breathe in, breathe out. I am a benevolent, kind, nice author who is trying to rehabilitate disadvantaged teens. -and get Legolas and Frodo naked, maybe I could tie them up and... later. Kind, benevolent, nice person! Kind, benevolent... that's it!"
Author smiled, she knew how to make the lesson more interesting! "Alrighty everyone, listen up!"
Nobody looked up, "Hey!" Author said, a little more loudly.
Tara woke up with a start. "Huh?"
"How nice of you to join us." Author said sarcastically. "You don't seem to be enjoying your Geography class, so I'm gonna make things funner."
"Uh," Nate spoke up, "you do know that 'funner' isn't a real word right?"
"Nobody asked you, smartass!" Author snorted "Now shut up! I've decided that this whole thing isn't working."
"Does that mean we can go?" Mel asked eagerly - making jokes at the Fellowship's expense was fun, but she still had other things that needed doing back home."
"Oh yes, you all are definitely going." Author said in her best reassuring tone - which had all the reassurance of a demented clown with a chainsaw.
"Um... great!" Tara smiled, "Well guys, see you later, it was nice meeting you..." But she was cut short by an odd whirring sound and a feeling similar to being sucked down a vacuum cleaner.
**********************************
Aragorn winced as he fell on to the forest floor and let out an explosive breath as someone - a hobbit by the size - landed on his back. He looked around and sighed, he was back in Middle-Earth. His relief soon gave way to annoyance; he was in the woods! Couldn't these silly Authors remember that he did have a kingdom to run? Getting back would prove to be a tiresome job - Oh well, as long as it was over. His thoughts were interrupted by a stream of profanities that didn't sound like they came from any of his friends. Almost fearing to look, he turned his head slightly to see the 3 teens in the large pile that they all seemed to have landed in.
"Bloody fucking hell on a plate!" Mel groaned "You morons just couldn't have given Sauron the stupid ring could you?"
Frodo sighed - and then grimaced as he received a knee to the stomach in the attempt for everyone to disentangle themselves. "I seem to be asking myself that question more and more every day Miss."
"Smeagol wantsss nasssty girl to get off! Nassty girl iss heavy!"
"Bite me, green boy!"
*CHOMP*
"Ow! That fucking hurt you little..." The rest was muffled by a loud series of shouts as Mel tried to hit Gollum but as she was still entangled with the rest of the group, this resulted in general confusion and injuries.
Frodo managed to drag himself free of the struggling mass and gazed sadly at Sam and that boy... Nate, yes that was his name - who had somehow also dragged themselves free. "We went all the way to Mount Doom for this? Perhaps we should have just given it to Gollum."
Sam gasped, "Don't say such things Mister Frodo! Although..." Sam looked at the melee and sighed. "When we were at Aragorn's coronation, I never would have thought it would all turn out like this."
"Yeah," Nate nodded, "You guys went all the way to Mordor and didn't even get a lousy T-shirt. What a gyp!"
A/N: Alrighty, Next: Geography field trip! Ideas are welcome, as I'm sorta in a writer's block area. They can range from group orgies to prayer sessions and joining nunneries/monasteries - all will be considered.
P.S. Be forewarned: There will be NO romance! All those wanting love and sap will be used as examples for my paper supporting euthanasia of the terminally ill. Alright, maybe a bit of smut if the mood strikes me, (highly unlikely, but possible if people say they want it) just NO fluff! *shudders* Bleagh!
