HELLO! It's me; I'm back, let's get on with this.

Disclaimer: I know, I know, it's not mine - must you remind me?

Pheonixgirl: Wha... how... are you Satan?

Reviewer: Meh, fair enough, it's a free country.

Elfwarriorgirl: I shall inform Mel that she has yet another enraged, fork- wielding person on her tail. (She seems to be collecting a lot of them as of late.)

Virvatuli: My Hero! *Bows* thank you, I'm rather fond of Mel myself - she's such a nasty little bitch isn't she? *Wipes away proud tear* they grow up so fast! Now if only she could learn to stop getting on everyone's hit list, she might live through the summer.

Canihavea-soda: Lambchops Song forever!

Tilly-willy: How can I stand to type such words? Well, *evil grin* actually I find it rather enjoyable... therapeutic you might say. Anyways, you'll be happy to know that Tara has a very important role in the next chapters.

GreyLadyBast: Power to the Mockers! As for the morality motto, take it, and spread the word!

Serendu: Aw, thanks.

Gawd, that was a lot of writing, and I haven't even started with the story yet! Oh well, on with the show!

Eventually everyone managed to untangle themselves from the pile, and things were relatively quiet. Gollum and Mel were both sporting large bumps on their heads from when Gandalf had 'advised' them to stop their battle. "Stupid Wizard!" Mel grumbled "It's not like I meant to elbow him there, he was just in the way!"

"Hello everyone! Did we have a nice trip?" Author's cheerful voice grated on everyone's nerves; did she have to be so damn chirpy all the time?

"You know, I really didn't think I would be able to transport all of you over here - hang on a minute, the computer's beeping something about illegal transportation messing with the dimensions - shut up, you piece of junk!" Author began to swear and bang randomly on her keyboard, resulting in a hail of weird noises and pink bunnies. Tara squeaked and dove under a bush for cover babbling something about crazy authors possessed by Satan.

The fellowship edged closer together. Mel had forgotten her grudge against Gandalf and was now hiding behind him, holding tightly on his robe, eyes darting around at the pandemonium. "Oh boy, oh crap I'm gonna need so much therapy after this, it's not even gonna be funny." Mel whimpered.

"Try weed." Nate smiled, watching miniature hippos float to the ground. "That way, you can pass the whole thing off as a messed up dream."

"Somehow Nate, your suggestion is starting to make sense." Mel grinned wryly, as the rain of biologically incorrect creatures wound to a stop.

"Sorry about that guys." Author said, "Now let's get on with our field trip, shall we?"

"This is unfair!" Tara protested. "What's more, it's probably illegal as well - or at least it would be if the government knew about it!"

"Tough luck sweetie!" Author cackled maliciously, "You don't really have a choice in the matter! I am the ruler - no wait... the Goddess of your puny fate! I am all powerful!"

"Actually," Mel pointed out, "you're more like a temp."

"Shut up!" Author snarled, cueing the 'spookily powerful voice' button. "I'm the Author, I can defeat Sauron!"

"I believe you can." Sam smiled encouragingly, "Perhaps you should go do that?" The rest of the group was smirking nastily and nodding.

"I think I will." Author was way to far gone on her ego trip to bother with pesky little things like common sense - not that she had too much to begin with. "Sauron isn't that powerful now that he's lost his ring and... Hold up! Oh yes, I know what I'll do! With the ring I could have boy-toys all the time!"

"Urm, hate to ruin the ending for you, but the ring was destroyed." Nate said.

"Says you!" Author crowed, "I'm the Author and I say..." The rest was drowned out by the sound of typing and Author's very creepy laugh. (The 'spookily powerful voice' effect was still on) All of a sudden Author's computer began beeping wildly and flashing a sign that said [ERROR! ERROR! SERIOUS BREACH OF REALITY!] "Oh shut up you stupid computer!" Author yelled and hit the 'enter' button repeatedly. The computer shook and sent out a shower of sparks. Back on Middle-Earth, the ground trembled and lighting flashed. Then, all was quiet.

Gimli was the first to pick himself up from the ground. "That fool of an Author will get us all killed!" He growled.

"Not if I get to her first." Mel winced as she rubbed the back of her neck. "What's the big idea?" There was no reply. "Hello?" Mel called out, annoyed.

"BUNNIES!" The sound echoed through the woods. "HAPPY WATERMELLONS LIKE CAKE!"

Boromir frowned, "What has come over her now?" Aragorn shrugged, mystified.

"PINK CLOUDS AND PURPLE SHEEP ARE NICE!"

Everyone looked at Gandalf questioningly; he seemed to be deep in thought. At length he spoke. "The Author must have overstepped her bounds by attempting to recreate the ring of power - it would seem to have had a disturbing effect on her mind."

"That is indeed unfortunate for her." Legolas said solemnly, but his eyes were glinting with amusement.

"What a shame!" Pippin grinned widely.

"Are you all nuts?!!" Tara shrieked. "We're stuck in the middle of a forest, and she still has her powers only now she's clinically insane! How does 'What a shame' describe it?!!" She began to hyperventilate, "Lost... big forest... no food... no plumbing... the author's lost her marbles... we're all going to die out here and they'll never even find the bodies!"

"Now, now, take it easy Miss!" Sam patted her shoulder reassuringly. "We'll find a way to send you home."

"Yeah, maybe everything will go back to normal when her time runs out." Nate seemed to be trying to convince himself more than anyone else. "I remember something about a time limit."

"Perhaps," Gandalf frowned, "but we would be wise to consider all options, we do not know the full extent of..."

"Hey guys!" Mel interrupted Gandalf's musings. He glared at her. "Be silent child, this is a serious matter."

"Yeah, well it just got a lot more serious."

Aragorn frowned, "What do you mean?"

Mel smiled grimly, "This." She held out a small gold ring, and then put it on her finger. She vanished, only to reappear a few seconds later.

"The One Ring!" Frodo gasped, a haunted look in his eyes.

"But... how can this be?" Boromir stood stunned.

"PRECIOUS!" Gollum leaped for the ring only to be unceremoniously grabbed and thrown into some nearby bushes by Gimli.

"Well, it's gold, made me disappear, and has weird writing on it, what do you think?" Mel tossed the ring to Gandalf who studied it intently. He stared at it for a minute, then chuckled.

"This may be a clever imitation, but it is not the true ring - it was beyond a doubt created by the Author" he sounded relieved.

"How can you tell?" Tara asked.

Gandalf smiled, "There are errors in the spelling."

"Ah." Everyone sighed.

"But it must have some power, the question is, how much?" Gandalf was solemn. There had seemed to be very few limits to what these 'authors' could do - just how much power could Author put into a ring?

"What are we to do?" Sighed Aragorn wearily; the combined task of ruling a kingdom and dealing with fan fiction had given him many gray hairs.

"What can we do?" Frodo seemed to be having bad flashbacks, Sam was doing his best to be encouraging, but it was hard to see how this would have a good ending.

"Methinks, the better question would be, what damage could Sauron do if he found this ring." Legolas frowned, fangirls were one thing - rings of power were something else.

"That's it!" Mel exclaimed. "Legolas, you're a genius!"

"I am?" Legolas was confused.

"Think about it," Mel continued excitedly, "why is Sauron doing all of this?"

"Um... bad sport?" Tara was wondering if her friend had finally snapped under the stress.

"Exactly!" Mel beamed, "He's mad about losing the ring, so we give it back! He then would have no more reason to continue with the Authors. He's happy, we're happy, life is good again!"

Boromir shot Mel an annoyed look. "Child, the reasoning behind your plan is both cowardly and foolish."

"Coward shmoward!" Mel snapped "My plan is not foolish, and don't call me child! If we gave Sauron the ring back he would stop bringing authors over."

"Perhaps he would, child," Boromir spoke patiently, as if talking to an infant. "But if Sauron does cease in his onslaught of 'authors' in favor of the ring, might not the reason be that he is using its powers to enslave Middle-Earth?"

"This isn't the real ring!" Mel rolled her eyes. "This was made by a fangirl - chances are that she doesn't even know what it does, other than make people invisible. Its only real power is keeping Sauron happy so he stops pestering you guys and lets us go home. Besides, it's got fangirl germs on it! No telling what it could do to the person who kept it for too long."

"You know, she's got a point." Nate spoke up. "Anyway, we really should decide what to do - we need a plan."

"We must discuss this matter in private." Gandalf said. The three teens nodded and walked a little ways off, starting a card game while the fellowship debated in hushed voices. At last Gandalf raised his head and motioned the teens over.

He cleared his throat, "It has been decided, the ring will be given to Sauron." He paused. "The only question that remains is who shall bear it."

"Not I." Frodo shook his head. "I have borne one ring to the cracks of Mount Doom, I shall not bear another into the hand of Sauron."

"Fair enough." Tara nodded.

"Smeagol will take the ring!" Gollum leaped from the bushes only to be thrown back in by Gimli. The others ignored his outburst altogether.

"Neither shall I." Said Boromir. The teens nodded - it figured.

Gandalf spoke, "I already bear one ring, it is not for me to bear two."

"I suppose." Nate shrugged.

"Smeagol will help! Smeagol wantsss to help!" Boromir absently lifted Gollum by his collar and tossed him back to his original clump of bushes.

"Right..." Mel looked annoyed. "So what's the bottom line?"

"The ring was created by one of your world, therefore one of you must carry it." Gandalf sighed, as if he had just entrusted a crystal goblet to a toddler with a hammer.

"Well, I guess that makes sense." Nate turned to his companions, "Rock paper scissors?"

"Sounds good." Mel agreed.

"Oh no you don't!" Tara glowered. "This is an important decision, we need to consider it carefully, and make an informed choice."

"Okay, okay!" Mel held up her hands in surrender. "Let's consider."

"Well," Tara paused. "It was your idea to return the ring in the first place..." But Nate cut her off. "Do you really want to have an evil, power- crazed Mel on your hands? She's bad enough as is! No offense Mel."

"None taken." Mel smiled. "I think the choice is fairly clear. I have a penchant for evil, and while I would have said that Nate can't get any worse, I'm not sure I want to test that theory."

"Exactly." Nate agreed, "What we need is someone who is naturally good and incorruptible."

"Oh no - no way!" Tara shook her head adamantly. "I know where this is headed, and the answer is no! I wasn't the one who insulted the movie and got us into this mess. You two caused this, you two fix it!"

"C'mon Tara." Mel spoke in her most sensible tone. "You know Nate or I would try to take over the world in about .3 seconds. You're the only choice!"

Tara clutched her head and groaned. "Why can't I just have normal friends? You know, the kind that don't attract trouble like black holes?"

"Good, it's settled." Mel grinned. "Alrighty Gandalf, Tara's the new, official ring-person!"

"Ring bearer." Gandalf absently corrected, handing Tara the ring.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Mel waved a dismissive hand. "Now all we need to do is figure out how to get to that Mount Doom-y place. Eh, does anybody know where we are?"

"The southern edges of Mirkwood." Legolas nodded. "And we are traveling to Barad-dur, not 'That Mount Doomy Place'."

"Why are we in Mirkwood?" Pippin asked.

"Geography lesson, remember Pip? Seems like Author liked Legolas the most" Merry smiled, "Look, the Author gave us supplies! There's a pack for each of us - they even have writing on it!"

The others hurried to look; Sam chuckled as he passed out the packs. "I assume the one with 'Insolent Girl With Rough Childhood' on it is for you Miss." He handed a pack to Mel, who grimaced and muttered some unpleasant things under her breath. Tara snickered.

"Don't laugh too hard Tara." Mel smirked, and pulled out another backpack with 'Prudish Girl' emblazoned on it. Tara blushed and grabbed the bag.

"Any packs with 'Incredibly Smart and Good Looking Boy' written on them?" Nate asked hopefully. Sam's only response was to hold up a backpack saying 'That Guy'. Nate winced. "She could have just learned our names."

"Hey guys!" Mel laughed. "Take a guess at who this one goes to!" She held up a pack with 'Hottie With Pretty Hair and Incredibly Tight Butt' plastered on it, complete with little red hearts and lipstick.

The Elf grabbed the pack angrily, trying to pull the sign off, but it wouldn't move.

Frodo looked at the pile tiredly. "Dare I ask?" He was answered by a bag that read: 'Adorable Little Sweetie With Big Blue Eyes'. He sighed, "Well it could have been worse."

After much laughing and unpleasant mutterings about the Author, Aragorn had looked through all the packs and found to his surprise that (apart from several love letters and a thong or two stowed in the packs of all the fellowship other than Gimli and Gandalf) they were actually well stocked. There were food, blankets, a few hunting knives and some items that he didn't recognize, but the teens said that they would explain about them. Also, the packs seemed to have no weight when carried.

"Hey Author!" Mel yelled. "How about using your powers to make this journey shorter?"

"SNOWDROPS AND RAINDROPS AND WHISKERS ON KITTENS!" Author sang out blithely. "DOORBELLS AND SLEIGHBELLS AND WARM WOOLEN MITTENS!"

"That might not be the wisest approach." Gandalf reproved, but Mel just shot him a dull look.

"This could take months!" She jerked her thumb towards herself and the other two teens. "Do you really want to be around us that long?"

The rest of the fellowship vigorously shook their heads and looked at Gandalf pleadingly. He nodded and cleared his throat. "Author?" He called out loudly. "We wish for you to take us to the land of Mordor."

"BRIGHT COLORED PACKAGES TIED UP WITH STRIIIIING! THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THIIIIINGS!" Gandalf tried once more "Take us to Mordor." He spoke louder this time.

"WHEN THE DOG BITES! WHEN THE... Mordor?" Author sounded confused.

"Yes, the land of Mordor! Can you take us there?" Gandalf asked hopefully.

"You've got to say please with whipped cream and a cherry on top!" Author squealed in a very annoying singsong voice.

"What?" Asked Gandalf, puzzled, but Mel quickly elbowed him.

"Please with whipped cream and two cherries on top." She shouted hurriedly.

"Okay!" There was a funny whirring noise and everything went blurry. When the travelers opened their eyes, they were no longer in the forest.

"Did we get there?" Tara was apprehensive.

Gandalf looked around. "Yes child, we are but half a day's travel from Barad-dur."

Everyone heaved a general sigh of relief. Half a day they could handle.

"Well, the sooner we start, the sooner it ends." Mel sighed as she shifted her backpack, privately thanking every deity imaginable that she had decided to wear sneakers that day.

"Indeed." Aragorn agreed, "This not a place to linger, but the sun is setting fast. We must make camp for tonight, we shall reach Barad-dur in the morning."

"Nassty man iss right!" The fellowship whirled in surprise. Standing Behind them was Gollum.

"Why are you here?" Gandalf demanded.

"Smeagol iss part of the quessst too!" He turned proudly to show a backpack with 'Creepy Little Green Guy' written on it.

"It cannot be helped." Aragorn sighed tiredly. "Let us make camp."

And so the Fellowship plus some confused tagalongs and one 'creepy little green guy' set off on the second Quest: To return the ring to Sauron and save Middle-Earth from the Authors and Fangirls.


Whew! This thing has dragged on longer than I thought! Don't worry though; I think the next chapter will be the end. Until then, see ya!