DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of it's characters. I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*
Quietly: soul-searching
By: Lara Winner
It's been a full month since Relena's wedding. It was publisized all over Earth and the colonies. Everyone is still talking about it. Pictures of the happy couple seem to float around everywhere. They say she's happy. They say she's never been more in love with her husband…
All the hype is getting to him badly. He tries to hide it but I know better. Heero seems to think I'm more oblivious than I tend to let on, but after living with him and loving him and fucking him for almost four years now, he should give me a little more credit. I know he's hurt. After all, he did love her and I understand that, even if he never said the words to me or to her, or even to himself.
Do I blame him for having yet another excuse to shut me out? No. He'll never completely be over her. But do I wish I had done things differently? Yes. Knowing what I know now, about us and how we'd turn out, I wouldn't do this again. This isn't love and it's killing me. I can't live being his fall-back crutch anymore.
I say I love him and he replies with a nod or a kiss. This is how its had always been. Trust me, I don't need declarations of love or gifts any of that sentimental crap, but every now and then it would be nice to hear him say it. Just to let me know that he really means it. But not once has he ever said those words to me and his kisses aren't full of passion, just desperation.
I knew what I was getting into with him. I guess part of me wanted to be his savior. We had a bond, something that you can only have after you've seen hell standing side by side. We've fought countless battles together and no one else ever understood that part of us. I thought that was love. I thought that every time he told me he needed me and that every time he pleaded with me to stay with him, that what he was really saying was I love you. But he wasn't. He's just needs to have someone and I was the one who thought I could make him better. See, I needed him to need me because I was convinced no one else did.
Okay, so I know it wasn't very healthy grounds to start a relationship. But when all this started I didn't see things this way. I wanted to believe that this was right. I cared about him so much, and don't get me wrong I still do, and always will, but sometimes surviving on emotion alone just isn't enough. Call me selfish but I can't keep giving like this and not get anything back.
We are a constant up and down. Some days everything goes smoothly and when we touch I can almost believe that this is enough, that I don't want this to end and that I could never walk away. But those days a few and far between. Getting through to Heero had always been an uphill struggle from day one, but the road is supposed to even out eventually right? Well with us it just keeps getting steeper and steeper.
Sometimes I feel like I don't even exist to him. It's like he sees me as an object, something that he can use when he needs to and then put me away and I'll be right there waiting to get used again. I don't know how to deal with this anymore. There are some days when he doesn't talk to me the entire day. No matter how much I try and draw him into conversation he remains detached. And then there are the times when I touch him and he pulls away, completely avoiding any contact with me. But the worst is when he does his disappearing act. He'll leave the apartment and I won't see or hear from him for days. He's never been gone longer than a week but still, why does he have to leave at all?
It hurts. I can't remember how many times I've cried, wondering if it's me or if it's something I did or said. And with all the fucked up shit I've been through in my life, it takes a lot to make me cry. I will never tell him that he hurt me that much, mainly because I don't think he would care.
I'm watching him right now. He sitting at the desk in the far corner of the living room, frowning over a five thousand word essay that's not due for another two weeks. To him I'm not even here. College is the most important thing in his life. Even more important than me.
I think I'm saying all of this mostly to justify what I'm about to do. I don't want to lave him this way. I'd give anything not to have to look in his eyes when I do this, but it has to be done. I can't settle anymore, not when I've had a taste of what real passion is.
It's been eight months since that night I spent with Hilde. I've thought about her very damn day since. I'll be the first to admit that what I did was wrong. I shouldn't have done that to Heero because I'm sure it would hurt him if he ever found out. But it wasn't fair to her either. I knew what I was doing, I wasn't that drunk. And I knew she wasn't in the right frame of mind to tell me no. But at that moment I didn't want to be logical or cautious. The feelings I once had for her were back, full swing, and it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up.
That's why I don't blame Heero for loving Relena. There will always be a part of me that loves Hilde. How could I not love her. She was there giving my life a bit normalacy when everything around me was falling apart. She helped me see life beyond the war. If it weren't for her I would never have let go of Shinigami.
It is possible to love two entirely different people for completely different reasons. But Hilde never needed me. She was always so strong and independent. I never thought she felt the same way. So I never gave my feelings serious thought. Sure I knew they were there and it wasn't easy for me to leave L2 to move in with Heero, knowing Hilde I would drift apart. And I was right. She went on with her life and didn't look back. But it only served to show me that Heero needed me, that he must love me where Hilde didn't.
But I'm not sure I know what love is anymore. What I felt with Hilde was incredible but it was just sex. I mean hell, Heero and I had some great nights but look where that led us. I'm not leaving Heero for Hilde. I'll probably never get the guts to show my face on L2 again, not after the way I left her. I'm leaving now because I'm not sure what I want anymore. That and because I know this isn't what I need.
I swallow hard knowing that it's now or never. If I don't do this right now I won't have the balls to later. And I can't live the rest of my life with someone who expects me to be there. I need someone who wants me to be there. I know what I have to do. This is the hard part.
"Heero?"
"Hn?" he grunts.
I nervously fidget with the end of my braid. "We need to talk."
"I'm busy Duo." He snaps. "It will have to wait till later."
"No Heero, we're discussing this now because I won't be here later."
He becomes completely still. After a long moment of silence he looks up at me but his expression is unreadable. He knows what I'm about to say and he knows why too. Dragging in a deep breath, I push the hurt away and steel my spine. I have to do this…
"I'm leaving Heero." I say quietly.
A.N.- Okay, so the masses demand a sequel. Well then you shall get what you want. I'm not sure who will have the next pov but I've already got the general idea so it won't take long (knocks on wood). Thanks for reading you guys and remember, I luv ya!!!!*_*
