DISCLAIMER: I don't own gundam wing or any of its characters. I don't even own my car so don't sue me*_*

Quietly: wishing

By: Lara Winner

Time heals all wounds…

I'd like to believe the old adage but its wrong. Whoever said that didn't have to live with a vice-like grip squeezing their heart. I bet they didn't feel lonely in a crowd of people or were so weary of love that they've shut themselves off from it completely.

I bet they've never had their heart carelessly broken.

I feel a bitter smile cross my lips as I shift onto my side in my big lonely bed. I have no right to feel this way but I can't help it. It seems like every time I think I'm okay, that I'm back on my feet and moving forward again, something reminds me of him and I'm back to square one, feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I swear it didn't hurt this bad the first time Duo walked out of my life.

It's been almost a year now and I'm still hung up over him. I'm pathetic. I can't even get a decent nights sleep. Either I lay awake thinking about him or I wake up in the middle of the night and my pillow is soaked with tears. This place is filled with memories and I can't forget them no matter how hard I try. But I want to. I want to move on and enjoy my life. I don't want to sit around here, hoping and craving for something that I'll never have.

I can't even go on a date without feeling guilty for God's sake. I meet a lot of guys now that I run the junkyard by myself. And a few of them have taken an interest in me and asked me out. I can count on both hands the number of dates I've been on in the last two years. And to think that I've never even given one of them a good-night kiss.

It's not that I didn't try. It's not that I wasn't attracted to them. Just every time they moved close enough Duo's face would pop in my head and there went the mood. I guess I really don't regret it. Even if I would have kissed them, invited them in for coffee and let them convince me that sex on the first date was perfectly acceptable, it still wouldn't have been my eager date that I was thinking about. I would have closed my eyes and pictured Duo's face, his perfect body and that wicked little smile that always gave me the chills…

But it's even worse now. I know what his hands feel like, running over my skin and teasing me into crying out his name. I know what his lips taste like as they kiss me breathless. And I'm dying to feel that way again. I'd give anything to have one more night with him. And this time I wouldn't bite my tongue and hide my true feelings. If I had the chance I would tell him that I love him and I would ask him not to leave. I wouldn't force him to stay, or beg him, but I would at least let him know that I need him.

But I won't ever have that chance again. God it kills me to admit it but I never was good at pretending. I can sit here and whish that he'll come knocking on the door ready to sweep me in his arms and make all the pain go away. But that is a daydream. This is reality. He left me for the second time without even thinking twice about it. I know he has Heero to consider and I know that what happened was really bad timing, but if he loved me at all it would have affected him. But it didn't. He walked out my life calmly, almost like he was doing me a favor. And his parting words were the cruelest thing of all and it's time I take them for face value.

Duo never mentioned love. However, he did say that it was easier to walk away than to stay and figure out what was going on and why we did what we did. Obviously, I wasn't worth the effort it would take. And that hurts. He may as well have slapped me in the face as hard as he could. But I was the one with emotions involved. He just needed a distraction.

I've thought about this so much. I've looked at this form every possible angle and done everything I can to forget him and no matter what I do his memory can still brings tears to my eyes. And the pain that won't go away is becoming a part of me. It's always there, in the back of my mind, surging to the surface when I see happy couples on the street or I come across old pictures of us. Just the other day I came across an invoice in one of the customer files written in Duo's messy scrawl. I wasn't expecting it and just seeing that made me burst into tears right in the middle of the office.

I'm on the verge of breaking. I don't know how much more of this I can take. At times I think that maybe I should sell this place, pack up all my stuff and start over somewhere on Earth. Maybe return to Austria, my birth place, and look up whatever family I have left there, if any of them are still alive. Or if I can't face my past then I'll move on to someplace new. Maybe do some traveling instead of settling down. I'd love to visit Europe's great castles or run in Irelands emerald fields, or if I really wanted to loose myself I'd head to Greece's ancient ruins.

But those are dreams. I don't have the heart to leave this place because it's the closest I can be to what I like to think we had. Like I said before, I am hopelessly pathetic.

How do I get my life back? How do I put him behind me forever? I want to forget him. I need to forget him. And not for the first time I curse myself and wish to God I'd never laid on eyes on him. Why did he have to reach out to me? I was happy with Oz, believing the line of bullshit they fed me. And what was the worst that would have happened? I would have encountered a gundam and ended with my name on some monument dedicated to the fallen soldiers of the Eve Wars. I'd rather be dead than to live with this pain that is slowly killing me.

My mind is wandering on dangerous ground. I can't think like this anymore. Maybe leaving is the only way for me to let this go. If I stay here in his house, working in what was once his junkyard, I will never be rid of him. There will always be that thought of him, that feeling of suffocation because the memories yesterday are drowning me, keeping me from seeing tomorrow. I don't want this anymore.

Duo told me when he left with Heero that this place was mine to what I wanted with. It won't be that hard to sell the yard. Nathan, one of my suppliers, has been hounding me for this place for years. I'll sign over all the deeds and leave on the first shuttle out of here. I've got a nice little stash saved in the bank and that will get me by for a while and when that's gone… I've lived with nothing before and I can do it again, easily.

I feel that familiar sense of panic wanting to overwhelm me. I'm afraid of what I'm actually deciding. This means that I will giving him up and all of the hopes and dreams that I tried in vain to hold onto will become yet another series memories. I will be leaving all the friends that I've made here, everybody that has become a part of my life now. Just like the war, once again Hilde Schbeiker will die and emerge as someone else. The question is am I strong enough to rise up to challenge of wiping the slate clean?

At this point, I can't afford to say no.

Restlessly, I kick the covers off my body as the pre-dawn light starts peeking its way through my window. It's a new day that will begin a new chapter of my life. I can't wait around anymore. I refuse to put my life on hold for a dream.

As I head to the kitchen, my mind is already making plans, playing out all the details of what this will entail. I blink my eyes at the sudden wetness that makes my vision slightly blurry. This will be the last time I cry because of him. I'll make it my way of finally saying goodbye, something I should have done long ago. I'm putting this away so that I can look forward to tomorrow and hold on to a new dream. One of living my life my way, free of all attachments to anyone or anything. A dream of living my life quietly.

A.N- Yes, another chapter. When is it going to stop, you cry? Um.. there is two more chapters to come I think. Alright, you can sigh in relief. *hugs* Thanks for reading, luv you guys!!!!