Masquerade


Part 9


They sat in silence for a while. Both slightly uneasy at the difficult situation they found themselves in.

Although Buffy had stated that she wasn't that hungry, Angel watched in amusement as she demolished a whole plate of bacon, scrambled eggs, grilled tomatoes and three pieces of buttered toast. He remained silent but secretly he was pleased to see her tucking into her food so enthusiastically.

He recalled how his heart sank when he first discovered her in that hospital bed. It wasn't just her injuries from the accident that had caused him to shiver, Buffy's whole body cried out that the last three months had been as hard on her as they had been on him. Wherever Buffy had run to, it hadn't treated her well.

"That was delicious, where did you learn to cook like that?" Buffy asked the question in a soft, easy voice, trying to keep the mood as light as possible.

"My sister Cordelia taught me. We both moved to LA at the same time and shared an apartment for a while" At the thought of his sister's cooking abilities, Angel smiled and his features relaxed.

"Your sister?... Where is she now? ...Does she live here with us?" Buffy asked hesitantly, not sure if she was ready to deal with another new face.

"No, Cordy's in Hollywood. She's playing at being an actress at the moment, trying to make a name for herself." Angel paused for a second noticing Buffy's concern. She didn't need to speak her fear, by now he could almost read her mind.

" You don't remember Cordelia either?" He frowned with disappointment but was already guessing the answer.

Buffy shook her head as the name of her sister-in-law bounced around her empty mind.

"Sorry" She looked back at him " Were we close friends?"

At her question Angel laughed out loud.

"Hardly, I think you two hated each other on sight. She didn't think you were good enough for her big brother, and you, well you thought she was a stuck up bitch with a bug up her ass the size of an emu." Angel chuckled lightly remembering the heated arguments between the two women he loved. His wife and sister could cat fight like no other females he'd ever known.

Buffy was momentarily speechless; his explanation wasn't anything she'd expected to hear. At her shocked expression Angel smiled.

"You soon proved my little sister wrong"

He turned towards the sink and when he looked back Buffy was standing next to him holding out her empty plate.

"How did I prove her wrong?" She asked curiously, eager to lean anything about her past that could possibly fill in the blank pages of her memory.

Angel went quiet for a moment, as if struggling with truth. When he did finally answer Buffy couldn't fail to notice the flicker of regret in his dark brown eyes.

"You made me happy, Buffy. Happier than I'd ever been in my whole life. Even Cordelia couldn't argue with what was plainly staring her in the face. You never really became good friends, but I think after a while you came to a understanding." Angel explained quietly, and then silently added **Until you walked out on me and broke my heart. Now she wants your blood with a vengeance** He kept that information to himself. Cordelia wouldn't be visiting any time soon and Buffy didn't need to know how much his sister now hated her.

**You made me happy, Buffy. Happier than I'd ever been before**

For a few moments his words hung in the air.

When they both finally found the courage to look up, their eyes locked and after a heartbeat, Buffy took a small step forward, closing the distance that separated them.

"I wish I could remember. I want to remember" She sighed wishfully, her eyes never once leaving his face. By now their bodies were so close that Angel could feel the heat radiating from skin.

"I wish you could too" His dark gaze bore directly into Buffy's eyes.

Angel's soft words were so low that Buffy had to strain to hear them. As she felt her chest tighten, she realised she was still holding her breath. Her cheeks flushed scarlet but she refused to look away. After a moment's hesitation, Angel did.

"Here give me that, I'll put it in the dishwasher" He took the plate from her hand and resisted the temptation to touch her fingers. Angel knew if he touched her today, after fighting all night to keep away from her door, he'd be lost forever. He had to try harder, he had to fight the need that tore at his chest like an open wound and forget how soft her body felt in his arms. He needed to find the closure he'd searched so hard for, and then once he had it, he'd put this woman behind him once and for all.

Buffy turned to walk away but as she took her first step she stopped.

"What happened to my clothes? I mean all the hangers in my room are empty" She asked, trying not to react to his nearness.

Keeping his back to her, Angel bit into his lip.

"I already told you, you took them all with you" His voice remained calm but his heartbeat increased and pounded loudly in his ears.

Buffy didn't speak for a moment as she carefully digested the answer.

"I took *everything* I ever owned on a trip?" She finally asked in disbelief.

"You threw out a lot before you left. You said you wanted to change your image. Looks like you got your wish" Slipping the dish he was still holding into the dishwasher, Angel lied well. He didn't want to tell his wife that he'd destroyed nearly all her belongings in a drunken rage about a month after she'd walked out on him. It was easier to let her believe she took them all with her.

**After all, like her letter had painfully reminded him. It wasn't like she ever planned to come back for them**

"So all I have left now are the clothes I'm standing in?" Buffy frowned at the realisation. It came as another painful blow. Something else to add to the long list of what she had lost.

**Memories, feelings, and now even her belongings had all disappeared into a black vortex.

How could she ever remember her past when there was nothing left of that past for her to cling on too**

Reaching into his back pocket Angel withdrew his wallet, he flicked it open and while he was searching for a credit card a small photograph fell on to the kitchen table. Angel immediately reached for it but Buffy got there first. Turning it over in her fingers her eyes settled on the happy smiling faces staring back at her.

**Wow!.. It's us ** Her eyes widened in surprise.

The two people looked so happy that the emotion leapt out from the picture and reached deep into her heart. Somewhere, somehow they had thrown away something so special it frightened her.

Angel waited a few seconds before reaching for the picture.

"A few clothes are the least of your problems, Buffy. Here, take this and charge anything you need" He offered his small credit card and when Buffy looked up she couldn't read anything in his dark eyes. If she could, she would have seen both guilt and embarrassment that he had acted so childishly in a moment of weakness. But Angel hid his feelings well.

**Besides, all I destroyed were a few stupid possessions, you destroyed my life.** He bitterly reminded himself as he retrieved his picture.

Buffy's heart was racing but she released the photograph without uttering a word.

Without looking at her, Angel continued, his voice once again cold and uncaring.

"Shopping was always one of your favourite pastimes, I'm sure you haven't forgotten how you love to spend my money" He smirked as he replaced his wallet.

Buffy felt as if she'd been slapped.

The thoughtless remark was one reminder too many of everything she had forgotten. Looking at the credit card on the table she finally started to crumble.

**Here, take this and charge anything you need.. I'm sure you haven't forgotten how you love to spend my money**

" You make it all sound so easy, but its not" She whispered trying desperately to hold herself together. Hot salty tears burned the back of her throat and quickly rose to brim in her eyes.

"Just give them the card, Buffy, the shop assistants will do the rest" Angel repeated wearily not yet noticing how badly she was reacting to such a simple statement.

"I can't.. Dammit, I can't walk very well and I can't remember where the shops are.. I can't remember my size and I... Hell, I can't remember what day it is.... " Buffy stood still and the tears she had held inside her, ever since the accident, burst their banks and streamed down her face as she finally broke down and cried.

Within a heartbeat, Angel was wrapping her up in his arms and soothing her pain with gentle words of comfort.

"I need to remember..." The desperate plea was heartbreaking in its simplicity.

"And you will" Angel reminded her softly as he continued to stroke her damp hair. He knew he was playing with fire, she was too close and she felt so right back in his arms. But it didn't matter, he hated seeing his wife this vulnerable. As Buffy's small body shook with her pain, Angel ignored the consequences and held her tighter.

"Just give it time" He offered softly, his voice conveying his own feelings of helplessness

**Give it time. Don't rush things. It will all come back when it's ready.** As Buffy stood in the cradle of his strong arms, his earlier words of reassurance returned in a rush. Buffy struggled against the rising depression inside her head but she was slowly suffocating. Words simply didn't help. She needed more than reassuring words she needed answers.

It was hopeless. Lost so far in the darkness, Buffy felt as if she was slowly going out of her mind, she simply couldn't take it one second longer. That was the moment her patience finally snapped.

"I'm sick of giving it time. Can't you see how lost I am here? I'm hurt, I'm lonely, I'm afraid... Dammit, Angel I want my life back and I want it back now..."

At her unexpected outburst, Angel jerked away and stared at her face in shock. Buffy had used his pet name for the first time. Just hearing her say the word affected him more then he thought possible. No matter how much of her life she had lost, he knew then that somewhere in that void of her memory, part of him was still in her heart.

**Angel I want my life back ** Her desperate plea broke his heart.

"I'd give it to you if I could, Buffy" He answered truthfully. Raising his hand Angel tried to sweep the teardrops from her cheek. His fingertips tingled as they slid across the velvet softness of her skin. He couldn't resist letting them follow the contours of her cheekbone even though he knew it was a dangerous indulgence.

**I'd give it to you if I could, Buffy** At that moment she honestly believed him.

"I know" Buffy whispered back suddenly realising how close their bodies had become. Looking into his face she noticed that his normally harsh features suddenly seemed incredibly kind. She felt hot tears burn the back of her throat again and cursed her weakness. Buffy didn't want him to see her cry anymore but it was too late... Far too late.

Everything around them seemed to go still.

"I want to remember my childhood, my mother putting me to bed at night. I want to remember going to school, making friends, falling in love...." Her voice cracked, a sob catching in her throat

"I want to remember you, Angel and I desperately need to remember that girl in the photograph" Buffy sniffed quietly

Angel's expression softened as his hand slipped from her face and moved to circle her tiny waist.
She looked so young and lovely that he would have needed a heart of stone to remain immune for a second longer.

Warning bells went off in his head, but he ignored them and felt the barriers he'd so carefully erected around his bruised heart, over the last three months, start to erode and crumble. Everything inside his head screamed that this was wrong but the lonely beat of his heart drowned their protest.

"Maybe this will help you remember" Angel gave up the battle he'd fought so hard, to hate her, and swept Buffy up against his hard chest. Lowering his mouth he captured her lips and softly kissed her.

The kiss was warm, intimate and yet surprisingly gentle as his mouth caressed her lips. Buffy involuntary sighed and Angel's tongue slipped softly into the wet interior of her mouth. As the kiss deepened, Buffy closed her eyes and moaned.

**How could I have ever forgotten something as wonderful as kissing? No, as wonderful as kissing Liam?** Buffy's heart called for to her subconscious to remember. As his tongue reacquainted itself with her mouth Angel pulled her closer into his arms.

Buffy didn't know what she was feeling, returning memory or just amazing chemistry, but his hard muscular body felt so right pressing into her soft flesh that she didn't argue as she melted into his arms.

As the hunger inside her grew, her small arms automatically wrapped themselves around his neck and her whole body ached to push closer.

**Oh, God, why can't I remember you? **

With that thought, Buffy felt a warm rush of arousal and cursed bitterly that her body and heart seemed to remember what her mind still refused to acknowledge. It didn't matter what her head told her, her body and her heart both knew him, and they knew him well.

Before she could gather her senses, the situation changed drastically and Buffy felt her back lowered down to the hard kitchen table. The coffee cups scattered noisily across the floor as Angel's large body covered hers. As she kissed him back, he murmured in pleasure and pressed her harder into the cool wooden tabletop.

"Buffy" Angel softly moaned her name as his lips pulled away from her mouth and moved to the soft flesh of her neck. It was only when his large hand slipped smoothly beneath her shirt that the spell was broken. Buffy came back to earth with a jolt. This was wrong. No matter how wonderful it felt, it was far too soon. There was no way she could make love to a man she didn't remember, a man she didn't even know if she liked.

**But your body knows him, your blood's screaming for him to touch you** Her heart tried to reason but common sense prevailed.

"No. Liam not like this" Buffy struggled and pushed at his chest with her small hands

Feeling her sudden resistance, Angel immediately backed off. His hands were shaking and his heart raced as he realised just how close he had been to letting Buffy into his heart again. At the fear he saw in her eyes he quickly moved away.

"Did I hurt you?" Angel voice was hoarse and tight with disappointment. He knew she was still covered in bruises and he cursed himself for not remembering how fragile she still was.

"No" The tiny word was barely a whisper. Buffy looked up and her eyes reflected the turmoil she felt.

Angel shuddered, a cold shiver passing over his heart. He took a deep breath but it did nothing to ease the raging tension that was knotting his insides.

**You damn fool, she still doesn't want you** Angel suddenly felt sick at the mistake he'd just made.

"I'm sorry. I'm... Buffy, believe me, this won't happen again " Turning, he quickly left the room leaving Buffy to deal with what had just happened between them.

When Buffy finally pulled herself together and readjusted her clothes, she found him in the sitting room; hands thrust deep into his pockets, staring out of the window. His back was to her and her mind flashed back to the first vision she had of him, days earlier, standing in her hospital room. His broad shoulders hunched slightly then, only this time his shirt was white, not black.

"I'm not sure what just happened?" Buffy whispered, her cheeks still flushed with embarrassment.

Buffy felt herself start shaking but knew she had to continue.

" It was my fault, it won't happen again" Angel spoke quietly without looking round, His voice was cold now and etched in pain.

Buffy gazed at his back, weighing her next words carefully.

"Liam, I understand what you were trying to do and in a way it worked. I still haven't remembered anything more but I can feel things now that I didn't feel before. I can feel you..."

"Don't..." Angel slowly turned around, pain slashed across his face.

He couldn't bear to hear where this was leading. The kiss had left him confused and shaken and he really needed to get as far away from Buffy as he possibly could. But just the sight of her pleading eyes kept him from fleeing.

"Please, I know how hard this must be for you but I need you to understand. This is driving me crazy." Buffy implored him with both her words and her eyes.

Angel nodded, acknowledging her words and the despair behind them.

"Okay, Buffy. I'm not sure if this will help but I'll give you the answers you need" He sighed sadly and walked away from the window.

**Maybe it was time she found out just who she really was. **

*****

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Angel asked as they settled down in the sitting room.
Buffy nodded her face full of determination.

"I'm more than sure. I need to find out how much of me there is still inside here, if anything at all," she said raising her hand and tapping the side of head. The panic was gone from her voice. Sadness and confusion now replaced it.

Angel lifted the small remote control and aiming it at the TV set in the corner of the room, he pressed the play button. In a flash the television screen was filled with happy voices and smiling faces.

It was a bright sunny day and the small group of people that filled the screen was all dressed up for a wedding. Buffy edged to the front of her seat as her eyes widened in amazement.

" This is our wedding day?" It was a question not a statement. As beautiful as the day looked she had no memory of ever attending the wedding. Angel sat back in his seat and kept his voice as expressionless as possible. Even though he was dying for her to remember, he knew that if this were going to work, the memories would have to be triggered by Buffy's own mind.

"Yeah, I thought a video would be better than a few photos in an album.. Besides, everyone you care about was there that day, it might help"

Buffy hovered on the edge of her seat, unable to control her excitement, as an array of happy young faces laughed out from the TV screen. One by one, friends and family fidgeted nervously at the camera and stuttered their best wishes for the bride and groom.

Faces that were now vaguely familiar caused little sparks to flash in the dark void of her memory.

"No, stop filming me Xander, turn the camera on Buffy" a female voice ordered and the camera immediately changed direction.

Before Buffy got a chance to ask who the voice belonged to, the image of her younger self entered the picture. Buffy's mouth dropped open, the girl wearing her face in the video looked simply radiant as she floated across the room looking like something out of a fairytale. The elegant gown gently hugged every curve of her perfect body before pooling out around her feet. Watching how her full breasts pushed up against the soft lace Buffy realised with a strange pang, that she certainly hadn't always looked like a bag of bones.

"Buffy, this way, smile" The cameraman laughed, obviously a friend.

If Buffy thought that image shocked her, the next left her stunned. Liam, dressed in a black tuxedo, appeared by her side. His long arms snaked around her waist and lovingly pressed soft kisses to her neck. Buffy felt her breath leave her body. He couldn't keep his hands off her. As the camera moved in closer it captured his eyes perfectly, and the love they reflected made her shiver.

"You were so beautiful that day. When you walked into that church you took everyone's breath away" Angel's voice trailed off in remembrance.

**But none more than mine** He added silently

Buffy smiled with relief, she couldn't help herself as family and friends danced around the happy couple on the screen.

"Oh, God, look at Dawnie" Heart racing, Buffy gasped as her sister came into view. The beautiful young woman, with long dark hair laughed brightly and she tried to arrange her sister's dress.

Angel didn't speak but silently sighed in relief that at least one face from her past had broken though the mist. Remaining quietly by her side, his eyes took in the rapid play of emotions that crossed her face.

Buffy then watched as she and her new husband took to the floor for the first dance and when Angel kissed her, the question that hadn't been answered for her on the plane trip home was clear for the whole world to see.

**And did I love you? **

The young woman in the fairytale wedding dress adored him. Buffy's eyes watched in awe as her younger self wrapped her arms around her lover and held him as if she never wanted to let him go. There was no doubt about it. She had been head over heels in love on her wedding day and just one glance at Angel's happy smiling face confirmed he had felt the same.

"Who's that girl?" A face in the video caught her eye.

"Which one?"

"The small blonde one catching my bouquet" Buffy watched as the pretty blonde woman pushed through the small group of females to catch the bouquet of delicate yellow roses.

Angel moved closer and Buffy felt her heart react to his nearness. As his eyes picked out the woman in question a small smile turned the corners of his lips.

"That's your best friend" He chuckled lightly at Buffy's bemused expression.

Buffy shook her head.

"No, I don't think so. Willow's my best friend, there she is, the red head with the long skirt in the background"

Angel turned and caught the gleam in Buffy's eyes as another piece of the jigsaw fell into place.

"You remembered Willow as well?" He asked hopefully.

"I do, but there's more" She bit deep into her lip as she continued to receive the small flash of memory.

" Xander Harris. Willow married Xander and it rained all day.. Right?" Buffy was still a little unsure but even though the memory was vague, it felt right.

Angel sucked in a breath.

"Yes, they married a month before we did. They're both in Africa at the moment, Willow's studying alternative medicine"

Buffy smiled, warm tears gathered in her eyes as she remembered more about her two friends. Xander's goofy smile came to mind along with Willow's compassion.

Turning back to the TV screen she tried to search her mind for answers to her first question.

"So, who's the blonde woman with my flowers?" Her voice grew slightly suspicious.

Angel turned his face back to the video and studied the screen.

"That's Darla, Buffy. Darla Penn. You've been friends with Darla since you were five years old."

Angel smiled softly as he remembered Buffy telling him about her childhood, one stormy night just after they had first met.

"You told me she broke your favourite Barbie doll so you punched her across the school yard. After the teachers pulled you apart for fighting, you shook hands and became close friends. "

Buffy didn't speak; her eyes were too busy watching how the blonde woman in the expensive white suit lingered around Liam on the screen.

**Best friend my ass**

Something didn't feel right. She could now remember Willow, Xander, her mother and Dawnie quite clearly.

But not her husband, who she had obviously loved dearly and, strangely, not this Darla who was supposedly, her best friend.

No matter how hard Buffy searched her memory, the face of this young woman stayed lost deep in the darkest corner of her mind.

Looking back towards the television screen, she continued to watch the rest of the video in silence, but underneath her calm exterior, uneasiness started to grow.

TBC