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Title: |
Labor Pains |
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Author: |
Shun'u |
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Series: |
Inuyasha |
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Genre: |
Humor |
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Rating: |
PG - for language and undignified inebriation. |
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Spoilers: |
None |
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Warning: |
*psst* Beware of rampant OOCness. Otherwise, enjoy! |
Disclaimer: Inuyasha and all its characters are the creation and property of, not to mention (c) to Rumiko Takahashi and all subsequent parties. I humbly borrow them for my bizarre fanfiction at no offense to their creator. Labor Pains is a product of my own demented mind and therefore (c) to Shun'u Hanashiro 2001.
November, 2001L A B O R • P A I N S
An Inuyasha FanfictionBy Shun'u Hanashiro
Where were we?
Oh, yes. Rin and company had just entered the scene.
Well, let's backtrack a little, shall we?
Miroku was still on the couch. Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha still pouting - ahem - seated on the floor and ignoring each other's presence, when the three aforementioned children came running in through the back kitchen door. Their clear, youthful voices carried easily to the three recovering men - who simultaneously collected all of the bottles and hastily returned them to the case, which they shoved beneath the low coffee table. Taking into account the amount of alcohol that had been consumed, they were amazingly quick and efficient. One might even say experienced in the art of hiding empty bottles.
Part II"Sesshoumaru-sama!" Rin called out cheerfully.
The sweet chime of Rin's voice was a balm to the cold demon lord's heart. Sesshoumaru knew that she was aware of his weakness to her innocent charm and had a tendency to "lay it on thick," as Inuyasha once kindly pointed out - Sesshoumaru had clobbered him for that one - yet it remained that nothing could stop him from caring for the little girl he fostered.
Still...
There were days when he had to count silently in hopes of not losing his temper with her. Perhaps it was the bounce that was always in her step. Or maybe it was her overly toothy grin. Hell, it could well have been that flopping thing she did with her hands when she waved them in greeting. Whatever the trigger was, sometimes, just sometimes mind you, he had an unholy urge to shake the cuteness out of Rin. That urge could usually be overcome with a minimum of effort on his part, but Kagome had caught him mid-temper on a handful of occasions. He had had to make a quick escape those times; he had not wanted to test whether or not Kagome could "sit" him without the aid of prayer beads.
Just for the record, it is not possible to avoid a pregnant woman on a mission. Which was exactly what Kagome had been the last Sesshoumaru slipped and allowed his anger to show. It had been his mistake, of course. He had underestimated the speed with which a petite woman bowled over by twenty pounds more weight than she normally carried could move. Had anyone bothered to ask afterwards, Sesshoumaru would have sworn up and down that pregnant women were possessed of demonic speed.
"Sesshoumaru-sama!" Sesshoumaru winced a little at the high pitch of Rin's yell. She still hadn't learned to moderate her tone and he didn't have the heart to tell her that she was killing his sensitive ears.
"Rin, no running inside."
Inuyasha noticed that his brother hadn't raised his voice and that he was rather tolerant of Rin's antics for a supposedly coldhearted demon. For the first time, Inuyasha thanked the gods that his firstborn was a boy. It was a little degrading that a little girl could reduce grown men to mush by her... there was simply no other word for it... cuteness. Even Sesshoumaru was not left untouched.
"Yes, Sir!" Sesshoumaru nobly - at least in his rather biased opinion - resisted the urge to roll his eyes when she gave him a smart salute.
Last week Rin had gone with Souta and Grandpa Higurashi to see Tokyo Tower. The little girl had been delighted with the trip into Tokyo, never having seen such tall skyscrapers before or such a peculiar metal structure as the tower. The only drawback to the trip was that Rin had returned with a whole new outlook on life. One that included new vocabulary and gestures that she was quick to experiment with. Sesshoumaru had taken one look at the blue beret atop her wavy dark hair and washed his hands of the whole thing. Leaving Rin to work the novelty out of her system.
The novelty still hadn't worn out.
Rin had taken to saluting him as she had seen the foreign military men do to their superiors in the streets. Sesshoumaru didn't care for the habit, but there was little he could do without scaring the girl into thinking him a monster. It didn't help that the others thought her actions were adorable and encouraged Rin by their smiles and laughter.
"Inuyasha," Shippou landed on Inuyasha's head and dug his fingers into long black hair for purchase. "Tell Souta to stop telling Rin things." He stressed "things" as if by doing so Inuyasha would perfectly understand his meaning.
"What're you talking about, Shippou?" Inuyasha craned his neck around to look at the kit perched on his head. "And I told you to stop sitting on my head. You're getting too heavy for that."
Shippou hopped down to sit on Inuyasha's shoulder instead. "Souta's saying-"
"I'm only telling her the truth, Inuyasha-niichan. Good morning, Miroku-san," Souta said. He plopped next to Sesshoumaru and turned big brown eyes on the tall youkai. "Good morning, Sesshoumaru-sama."
Inuyasha grimaced. Ever since meeting Sesshoumaru, Souta had found a new hero to worship. He still thought Inuyasha and Miroku were cool, but that sparkly coolness had somehow fizzled when Inuyasha became a married man and Miroku became engaged to the demon exterminator, Sango. Souta acted as though the ground Sesshoumaru walked on was sacrosanct. Everything that Sesshoumaru did was wonderful. Nothing he said could be wrong. Souta had even begun wearing pristine white whenever he was out of his school uniform. It gave Inuyasha the creeps to see the kid idolizing his brother, but since Kagome thought it was just a phase that would pass who was he to argue?
"What are you telling Rin, Souta?" Miroku was curious as to what Shippou would argue with Souta about. Normally the two boys were the best of friends and nearly inseparable.
"The birds and the bees," Shippou answered for the human boy. He followed his words with a waggle of his eyebrows and a few quick blinks that the men could only assume to be his poor attempt at winking. Inuyasha wasn't able to see Shippou's actions, being as the kit sat on his shoulder, but he was able to hear Shippou's words just fine, and this caused him to sit up so quick that the kitsune was tossed into the air.
"Oi! Watch what you're doing, dog-breath," Shippou complained, having landed by Miroku's side in an ignominious heap.
"Sesshoumaru-sama," Rin sat on Sesshoumaru's other side. "Is it really true?"
Inuyasha and Miroku both developed slightly evil grins when Sesshoumaru's naturally pale skin blanched further to a bone white. Shippou's description was sufficient for all of them to know what the three children had been discussing and, while neither human relished the thought of explaining sex, reproduction and childbirth to them, having Sesshoumaru put on the spot like that was too perfect of an opportunity to pass up.
"Is what true, Rin?"
While Rin processed his question, Sesshoumaru tried to think of another way to distract the inquisitive girl and avoid giving direct answers. One glance at Inuyasha and Miroku told him that no help would be coming from that sector. The fools were smiling, he noticed.
"What Souta said about babies," Rin said.
"Babies?" For some reason Sesshoumaru blanked; his normally agile mind emptied of anything remotely resembling rational thought.
Miroku decided to help Sesshoumaru out a little.
"Rin's asking about where babies come from, Sesshoumaru." Miroku didn't realize that it was unwise to speak up and make his presence known.
Rin immediately latched onto his obvious comprehension and asked, "Miroku-sama, do you know? Can you tell me if it's true?"
"Uh..."
Miroku went through a dozen different skin tones before settling on a sickening greenish salmon hue. He tugged at the suddenly tight collar of his shirt, more than a little perturbed that a young child would be asking him such a question. True, he had played at being a worldly man, but most of that had been an act; desperate times calling for desperate measures and all that. Somewhere along the way someone should have reminded him of the old adage: what goes around comes around.
Well, it had just come rebounding back to the priest with a vengeance. In other words, the shit has hit the fan, folks, and now it's being splattered all over the walls.
Of course someone had to enjoy the moment.
Sesshoumaru sent the houshi a malicious smirk. "Yes, Miroku, you seem to be most knowledgeable with this subject. Do enlighten us."
"Son of a-"
"Miroku!" Inuyasha and Shippou simultaneously yelled.
"Sorry, sorry." Miroku rubbed his temples. "What were we talking about?"
Rin wasn't so easily distracted. "Babies."
"Oh, right... What is it that you want to know?"
"Can only women have them?"
"Is that all?" Relief washed through Miroku. Here he had been fretting that Rin wanted details. "Yes, only women can have babies," he said.
"Only _females_ can have babies," Inuyasha clarified.
Rin accepted that answer readily enough. She had seen animals and birds breed as well and it was true that only the females gave birth, or laid eggs as the case might be. Now that one part of reproduction was clear to her, and Souta seemed too comfortable to be guilty of telling tall tales, Rin decided to ask another question.
"So is it true that you made Kagome-neechan pregnant, Inuyasha?"
Inuyasha had been in the process of breathing. Stress, had been. After catching Rin's curious words, he choked on air and busied himself with coughing up a lung. Miroku helped him out by thumping him on the back, which wasn't really help at all as it only served to aggravate his breathless condition.
"I- *cough* Did I *cough* hear *cough* right?"
"Unfortunately," Sesshoumaru looked at Souta. "Explain yourself."
Souta paled a bit but he bravely answered, "Rin asked me where babies came from and I told her what I was taught in school... Was that wrong, Sesshoumaru-sama?"
Sesshoumaru rubbed his brow. "No," he admitted, "not technically..."
Miroku just had to ask. "Souta, this school of yours, what else do they teach you?"
A little devil - who was normally obedient and quietly dozing on Shippou's shoulder - whispered into the kit's ear. Shippou said innocently, "They have show and tell, Miroku. Can you believe it?"
"Show. And. Tell...?"
Needless to say, many thoughts-not-meant-to-be-shared-with-innocent-children passed through the houshi's head.
"You are so perverted, Miroku," Inuyasha grumbled. "And Shippou, you're deliberately misleading him."
Shippou turned wide eyes on Inuyasha. "What'd I say? It's the truth!"
"But not like that!" Inuyasha grabbed hold of Shippou and began shaking him by the shoulders. "You knew full well how he'd take your comment."
The kit wriggled out of Inuyasha's hold and turned the tables on Inuyasha when he hopped onto the man's head and began chomping on his hair. Shippou and Inuyasha were soon too involved in their tussle to pay much attention to the others.
Meanwhile, Rin still sought answers, "Sesshoumaru-sama-"
Souta was still in mortal fear that he had upset his idol. "Sesshoumaru-sama-"
Miroku wanted to know some more about the modern school system. "Souta-"
"Enough!"
The roar held sufficient power behind it to shake the Higurashi Shrine's very foundation.
This time it was Sesshoumaru who couldn't take any more of the insanity. He pointed an imperious finger at Miroku. "You, shut up!" Then he turned on his brother and Shippou. He didn't have anything against the kit, so... "Inuyasha, sit!"
An amazing thing happened, just then.
Sesshoumaru actually had to blink a couple of times before he could accept that his mind wasn't playing games with him.
His orders were followed to the word.
Not only did Miroku clamp his lips shut and not utter a single word; Inuyasha also sat. The demon lord was stunned. He had never tried using Kagome's trick before because he had been under the impression that she alone could use the prayer beads. Now he had to revise his assumption. Apparently it wasn't the prayer beads that still held magical dominance over Inuyasha - they had lost their powers long ago when Inuyasha lost his intent to harm Kagome.
Inuyasha's reactions were, strangely enough... conditioned.
Sesshoumaru felt an evil itch between his shoulder blades. All he had to do was say the word and Inuyasha's face would plaster itself to the ground. Sesshoumaru thought of the endless possibilities that had just opened up to him...
In the middle of Sesshoumaru's pleasant daydreams, Inuyasha's shock, Miroku's confusion, Shippou's amazement, Souta's incomprehension, and Rin's ramblings, a voice carried strong and clear through the ceiling from the second floor.
"INUYASHA, IF YOU EVER LAY A HAND ON ME AGAIN I'M GOING TO SIT YOU SO HARD, YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO STAND AGAIN!"
Inuyasha groaned in pain from his prone position on the living room floor.
Rin had to ask. "All you did was lay a hand on Kagome-neechan?"
[The end?]
