DISCLAIMER: Blablabla…I don't own Conker, only Tenka, the mutants and the Mutant Gen, which isn't a cheap knockoff from the T-Virus, although it mutated the Zombies like in RE.
AUTORS NOTE: I know that almost all of the chapters came in one time, but that's because Fanfiction.Net was down for so long. That gave me time to write the other chapters. And it's also because they all are very short. I combine the chapters in one omnibus to make it look long. However, my FIRST plans were to make one chapter just one chapter, not part of a omnibus. But I knew that you would think it was disappointing to see that this chapter is so short. And thank you if you think my fanfiction is great. I brought back some old enemies, and did my best to make as much movie jokes as in the game, and I made those Playstation jokes to make clear that Rare must always work for Nintendo, seeing that their games are better then that of Nintendo itself (except for Zelda.) What I mean by this? Easy. Rare is thinking of working for other consoles. And that's no joke. ( See www.rareextreme.com or www.rareware.com for more information. ) For the ones that don't recognise the movie joke in this chapter: it's from Godzilla 2000. ( You know, the big flop of a radioactive mutated iguana that attacked New York ). I made a final battle because the battle with Real Dragon Tenka ( yeah, he's named like that ) was not a real battle, seeing that they just tricked him into dropping the antidote on Conk. Well, have fun with the last chapters, that include only one thing: THE FINAL BATTLE WITH TENKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHAPTER 11: TENKZILLA
The wreckage starts shaking, and a soft roar is heard. ,,Don't say it's true!!!" Complains Conker, and he charges up his lasercannon. ,,No!!! It can't be!!! Novone can survive such zing!!!" Says the Prof afraid. Berri grabs her double Uzi's, and she says: ,,Well, it IS happening, so prepare to give it all you got." Now, Rodent and the Sarge come running towards them, and the Sarge says: ,,GOOD NEWS!!! The Mutants are changed back, and the Evil Tediz have become once more the Good Teddies of Ancient Time!!!" However, they can't keep their eyes of the wreckage. ,,King, what's going…" Asks Rodent, but then, a giant monster arises from the wreckage. ,,…On?"
The Monster is, of course, a mutated Real Dragon Tenka. His head looks like that of Godzilla, but he has 2 large horns above his eyes. 2 giant spikes on his back replace his wings, and his tail is covered with spikes. His legs are armoured with metal-like plates, and his arms are covered the same way. His belly is covered with yellow, small spikes. His arms are long and almost reach the ground, and he has 3 sharp claws on every arm. He is as big as the hill of the Windmill. His red eyes look at them, and a Terminator-like schematics appear, like with the first Boss in Conker. He scans Conker, and this data appears:
NAME: CONKER THE SQUIRREL
STATUS: DANGEROUS, BIG ENEMY
WHAT TO DO: TERMINATE
,,Eat this." Says the Mutant Dragon with a half-metallic voice, and he opens his mouth. Energy collects in his mouth, and he fires an energy beam. ,,O, SHIT!!!" They all yell, while ducking for cover. The beam hits the ground they were on, and a crater is there.
,,Prof, could you tell me how he survived so much Mutant Gen, and why he is a Cyborg Mutant?" Asks Conker, while they are hiding beneath the bridge. ,,Well, when Tenka was young and I developed ze Mutant Gen, he was experimenting with a small capsule that could protect somebody from zo much Mutant Gen. However, he lost it, which was a great lose to my experiments. But it appears, seeing his real traitorous nature, he has insert it within his own body, and it appears that it has given him an armour and a IR-Scanner and a satellite uplink." Says the Prof. Berri thinks, and she asks: ,,Shouldn't that, like, mean that he can see us?" The bridge is being thorn away, and the Mutant Dragon looks at them. ,,I think that means yes." Says Rodent scared, while ducking in his shield. The Mutant Dragon collects energy again, and they quickly run away, and Rodent to ( it's a hilarious sight, because only his feet stick out ). Soon after, the water flows into a deep crater, emptying the river. The Mutant Dragon scans the area, and sees them hiding in a hive. He collects energy again, and soon after fires. They jump out if it, and the hive explodes. Now, the soldiers come in, bringing the heavy artillery. They aim their bazookas at the mutant, and he opens his mouth and roars. They fire their rockets, and 10 rockets hit him in the mouth. However, he just considers it as a snack, and he eats the rockets.
The soldiers aren't discouraged, and they bring out a rail cannon. They aim it, while the Mutant Dragon walks towards them. They fire it, sending a powerful blast to his face. However, he doesn't has a scratch ( or maybe he does have a scratch, they can't see it, his skin looks tarnished already ). The Mutant Dragon laughs, with his old Tenka voice. ,,Ho, hold it. Why does he attacks them? Unless…he can do only ONE thing at a time!!!" Says Conker, and he turns to the Prof. ,,Do you know what weapons can damage him?"
,,Vell…normal Mutants can be taken out with a laser cannon, and Zombie Mutants with a head shot…but seeing zhat his brains are now half-mechanical, he can also be overheated. Maybe an heatcannon works, but you musz charge it up zo maximum power, seeing that he is a cold-blooded reptile with a low body temperature of himself. But ze question is…where are you gonna find zuch a weapon?" Says the Prof, and he thinks. Rodent puts his right-hand up like he is in class, and he says: ,,Ooh! I know! I know! I know!!!" ,,Yes, mister Rodent?" Says Conker annoyed by Rodents childless nature. ,,The Weasel Professors worked on a cheap heatcannon. It is hidden in the Windmill Hill. It looks like a large pipe with magnifying glasses before it and solar panels on top of it, but it does work." He says. ,,Hey, I'm the king, so why don't I know about all those things in this game?" Conker asks annoyed. Berri coughs, and Conker says: ,,Alright, Fanfic. Now happy?" Berri nods, and Rodent says: ,,3 people can distract him, but 3 others need to control it. The first person must collect energy, the second person must conduct that energy to the fire unit and the third must fry the target. But it has been down for a long time, and it's just like with Area 51 in Independence Day. You know, the part that the President discovered that he didn't knew about it but his General did. So this makes this another movie gag." ,,No it doesn't. It's just coincidence. But now, we must get to that cannon. Who is going to distract him?" Asks Conker.
The Sarge and Rodent volunteer, but then, the Weasel Guards come out of hiding. ,,We were listening. We agree to distract them." Says the Fat Weasel. Now, Franky the Pitchfork appears to. ,,I'm gonna stab that guy to dead!" He says with his Southern American accent. Gregg appears to, and he says: ,,I wanna be there when that bloody bastard dies. He always made me pissed off when he laughed at me in the Front Gates of The Afterlife." Conker nods, and a bunch of squirrel soldiers appear, saying that they want to fight this Godzilla rip-off. The Teddies (they look like the Tediz, only without the stitches and they have a friendlier face ) and they volunteer to. ,,Good. Well, Prof and Berri, you go with me?" He asks. They nod, and yell: ,,You can count on us!!!" ,,Good!!! It's time to fry that motherfuckers ass!!"
CHAPTER 12: THE REAL FINAL BATTLE
The Distract-the-oversized-bloody-asshole Team runs towards the ammunition depot, and grab some weapons. They grab bazookas, grenades, anti-tank cannons, 25 mm rapid fire cannons ( or Vulcans ), and anything else with a huge impact. They fire their weapons, and immediately get Tenkas attention, because he blows up their ammunition depot with a small beam. Many Teddies are killed in the blast, but they quickly run away, while Tenka follows them.
In the meantime, Conker, The Prof and Berri climb up the hill, and are on the ruined top. ,,Allright, iz musz be somewhere around here…ah, found iz!" Says the Prof, and he flips open a small hatch. He presses a button, and the ground starts shaking. However, the crashed spacecapsule of the Mutant Gen Room blocks it. ,,O, fuck!!! HEE, SARGE!!! FIRE A ROCKET AT THIS PIECE OF SCRAPMETAL!!!" Yells Conker. The Sarge nods his head, and he aims a bazooka at the crashed capsule. ,,EAT THIS, PIECE OF SHIT!!!" He yells, and the rocket flies trough the air, hitting the crashed scrap metal with destructive force. The junk is cleared, and the weapon raises.
However, a piece of iron has hit Tenkas eye. He turns his head, and sees the weapon. ,,O, FUCK!!! SO THAT'S IT!!! NEW OBJECTIVE: DESTROY THAT UNCLEFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!!" He says, and he runs towards them. ,,O, no!!! We must give that shit-eater a bigger treat! Do you have an idea, Rodent?" Asks the Sarge. Rodent thinks, and then says: ,,Yeah. BLAST HIM WITH ALL OF OUR AMMO!!" The Sarge gives the order, and they fire all of their weapons. Tenka is rather annoyed then hurt, and he turns to them.
Conker has watched it, and then turns to the Prof and Berri. ,,Is the weapon ready with recharging?" ,,Ah, yes, yes, iz's ready!" Says the Prof, while checking the powerlevels. ,,Conducting energy to main cannon now!!!" Says Berri, while flipping a few switches.
AUTORS NOTE: Yeah, she HAS enough brains to do that.
,,Like, I HEARD that!!!" Says Berri annoyed, while looking at me.
AUTORS NOTE: Sorry. Just to prevent annoying reviews ( This is a lie, but I need to tell something to her, right? )
Berri goes on, and enters the path to the cannons core. ,,She is ready! FRY HIM, CONKER!!!" Yells Berri, but then, Tenka turns and faces them. ,,Oops. Like, a bit TOO loud." She says, regretting. Tenka charges up for his own blaster, and Conker quickly jumps on the aiming seat. He locks on too Tenka, who just fired his beam. Conker activates the Solar Beam, and the machine comes to life, sending sunrays trough the magnifying glasses. The beam is launched, and the 2 beams hit each other. They fight to reach the enemies side, and it takes a long time. ,,CONKER, THE POWER IS GETTING LOW!!!" Yells Berri afraid. Conker is afraid, and he says: ,,No. It can't end like this. It can't. I have not fighted trough all those chapters, just to be fried by him. I will NOT let my friends down. I WON'T LET MY FRIENDS DOWN!!!" Conker activates the "Maximum Power But Great Danger Of Deadly Overload So Never Press This You Donkeyfucker!!!"- button, and the machine starts shaking. Screws are shaking loose, and are fired away. However, the machine gives extra power, and it defeats Tenkas beam. Tenka looks at the coming heat beam, and he says: ,,O, fuck you, you stupid…" Then, the beam hits him, and his brains are being over heated. Tenka screams in agony, and his metal plates are flying trough the air. Tenka screams, and then explodes, sending blood and metal things everywhere. ,,I zhink you overdid iz a little bit." Says the Prof angry, while climbing out of the scrapmetal that once was the heatcannon. Conker climbs out of it to, and he says: ,,Sorry about that."
CHAPTER 13:
IT'S FINALLY OVER…
They walk towards the melted remains of Tenka. They stare to it, hoping that he won't come back to life. But it just lays there. ,,Finally. I was getting tired of all this. And it just started with a drink in the bar. I better can't go there anymore. I just keep getting into unwanted adventures." Says Conker tired. The Sarge stares at him, but then, he jumps atop of it, and yells to everybody: ,,OKAY, SHOW'S OVER!!! GO TO HOME!!! NOTHING CAN BE SEEN HERE!!! GO TO YOUR FUCKING HOMES!!!" Everybody is going away, and the Teddies go to the harbour to go with a boat to Tediz Island, to create a new live. Conker looks at the half-melted head of Tenka, and he spits on it. ,,Looks like you're not so tough now, you overgrown lizard!" Says Conker, and he turns around to face his friends and the Prof. ,,Well, lets see what we will do with you, Prof." Says Conker, but then, Tenkas body starts shaking. ,,O, NO, DON'T SAY IT'S TRUE!!" Complains Conker, and the half-melted Tenka stands up. Tenka roars, and he prepares to attack them.
They scream in fear, but then, Tenkas head is sliced of, and his whole body melts. Behind his remains stands Gregg, still holding his scythe. ,,Sometimes, you must do it yourself." Then, Gregg grabs something invisible. The thing takes shape, and Conker sees it's Tenkas soul, in the shape of his 'cocoon' state. ,,LET GO OF ME, YOU ASSHOLE!!!" Tenka yells angry, while trying to get out of Greggs grasp. ,,I don't think so, mate. I have a very cruel punishment, just for you." Says Gregg, laughing. Tenka screams in fear, and they both disappear. ,,TAKE BAD CARE OF THE BASTARD, GREGG!!!" Yells Conker happy, and then, they hear Tenka screaming, VERY loud.
LATER, IN THE CASTLES THRONEROOM
Conker sits in his throne, drinking beer and looking at the Prof. ,,I beg you, King Conker. Don't kill me." Asks the Prof, scared to death. Conker thinks, and he says: ,,You've send the Tediz to conquer Conk, and you let thousands of soldiers being killed. You helped me on the end, but you still committed other crimes. Why shouldn't I kill you?"
,,Well, I zhink I can lez you in on my story now. It started 300 years ago. The Weasels and ze earliest grey squirrels, ze Kulas of Conk, were fighting with each ozher in the Milk Wars. The Panther King was a hired General, working for one of mine ancestors, ze Weasel King. But he betrayed him, zaking over ze power. He used that power to defeat ze Kulas, banishing ze Kulas to the Dark Place, which is now known as ze Ugas Land. But zhen, he chopped of the legs of my ancestor, and forced him to work for him. Since zhen, my family has been working for him, and I was ze last one. But the only zhing I wanted, was to regain power over Conk. And I didn't create ze Tediz. It was ze Panther King. He cursed the Teddies and turned zhem into ze magnificent Tediz. I just recreated them, with greater powers then ever." Says the Professor.
Conker nods, and he says: ,,In one word, you're a dick sucking, power-hungry asshole. Send him to the deepest dungeon." The Weasel Guards carry him away, while the Prof yells: ,,NO!!! YOU CANZ DO ZHIS!!! I WILL RETURN, AND KILL YOU AND YOUR PRECIOUS, STUPID LITTLE FRIENDS!!!! YOU CANZ DENY ME!!!" ,,Oh? Then I have another punishment for you." Says Conker with a big, stupid grin.
The Royal Zeppelin flies above Poo Mountain. A wooden plank hangs out of a door, and on that plank, stands the Prof. ,,Say, canz ve talk about zhis?" Asks the Prof, but then, the plank beneath him is pulled away. He just stands on air, and he says with a small voice: ,,I guess zhat means no." Then, in cartoon-style, he falls to the centre of Poo Mountain, crashing trough the roof, falling in the poo, and being flushed away trough the sewage. He is launched trough the waterbasin, flying to the arena of the Ugas. The Uga King, who has hidden a bone in his underwear to make it look like he has a 'big bone', looks at the Prof, and he says: ,,Looka looka!! Lil' bity!!! Senda Fangy!!! ( Well, well. A weasel. This could be interesting. Send in Fangy!!! )" The Prof, who knows the Uga language, looks afraid, and then, Fangy enters the arena. ,,Canz we zalk about this?" Says the Prof, afraid. Fangy charges, and the Prof runs for his life.
LATER, THRONEROOM
Conker looks in his glass of milk. He sighs. He drinks some milk, and puts it on the table. As usual, the table falls, breaking the glass on the floor. Conker grumbles, and says: ,,Remember to fix that later." Conker grabs his GBC, and plays Killer Squirrels, a new variant of Killer Instinct. He selects himself, and beats up the Fabled Panther King. But, he still feels miserable. Berri has disappeared, and no-one has seen her. ,,Well, I can't expect her to love me again. We just fought 4 days against each other, and she was poisoned by Tenkas lies. O, well. Better go to the Cock and Plucket tonight, all tough I probably get into another adventure that is going to ruin my life." Berri stands up, and goes to his favourite bar.
Conker sits at the counter. He is the only one. The bartender polishes the counter, and then asks: ,,Hay. How can I help ya?" ,,Yeah. Scotch, with ice, not shaken." Says Conker. ,,Ah, a man of taste. Here ya go." Says the Bartender, and he fills it halfway. ,,Whoa there, big guy. Keep it comin'." Says Conker. The Bartender nods, and he gives it to Conker. ,,Looks like you had some problems. What are they?" He asks, but Conker waves his hands, and he says: ,,Nah, I don't wanna. Besides, you wouldn't believe me." The Bartender nods. A while later, Conker leaves ( for the ones who recognise this part are right, my Fanfics plays between the credits and the sequel clue ). He walks over the pad, but then, feels a hand on his shoulder. ,,I will go on where we left in happier times, if you will forgive me." Conker turns around, and looks at Berri, who still has tears on her face. They just look at each other, and then, Conker says: ,,It wasn't your fault. It was Tenkas fault." Tears flow from their face, and then, they brace each other. Conker smiles happily, and he says: ,,Come, lets go home. I will give you a grand tour trough the castle if you want to." ,,Well…if it isn't, like, a stupid, old castle." Says Berri, back at her old self. ,,Well…forget about it. Come on." Conker says, and the both walk away, while Berri starts saying: ,,Well, I don't hope there's much dust. And old furniture. I mean, even at our old house I needed to change everything. What was up with that kiddy look? Everywhere cute things for babies…I even needed to change the last game from a long, kiddy game with a very good plot to the adult game!!! Hey, are you listening? O, why do I even try…"
Tenka is running down the colourful streets. He can hear them…screaming…the horror…THE HORROR!!! Tenka bumps into someone, and he clamps himself to the persons leg. ,,Please, safe me from those monsters!!!" Begs Tenka. But the person, who is Gregg in his new golf-outfit, says: ,,Get of me, you bloody arsehole!!! I worked centuries long, just to buy this outfit! You know how little I get paid? And besides, mate, you've asked for it. No Teletubbies or Sesamstreet, remember? Well, you got your way. And now return to your fans. I'm gonna golf. Play against those bloody cats, and if I don't win, I won't get their lives." Gregg walks away, and then, they grab Tenka. He yells in horror, and looks at…the little kids from 'Barney the Dinosaur'. The purple dinosaur comes walking, and he says with his stupid voice: ,,Well, kids, looks like our friend here looks a little naughty! And what should we do about that?" ,,MAKEOVER!!!!" They yell, and they drag Tenka back to the school, and he screams, trying to escape from them and his future clowns-costume. ,,CONKER, YOUR GONNA PAY FOR THIS!!! JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE DEAD!!! THEN I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!!!" Tenka yells, raising his fist to the air.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________
That was it for now. I don't know if this is the final chapter, or that it goes on with Berri and Conker, having trouble with the every-day-problems of living together. Well, I'll see. Maybe that'll be the sequel, because it is unknown what has happened with the Prof, but I think he will have more mechanical parts. O, shit! I forgot about Tenka's Suit!!! Well, um…I need to tell them something…yeah, I know. The suit exploded when the spaceship crashed. ______________________________________________________________________________________________
