I thought I should take the time to Thank everyone who has sent me feedback so far. And here goes: (In no particular order)
Jamiearn, DeBrabant aka Danii, Gee, Xanderluv, Eojt, Bolo, Inscriffany, Amelia, Britt, Kristen, Onion Girl, Chocoholic, StarGoddess Vicky, CaLeN, Titânia-dora, Zekkers, Drake Roberts, Mutant, Skelron, Lwbush aka Lori or Lorificus which is my new pet name for her, Banquo, Varthan, and VegaKeep.
I honest to god had intended "To Live…" to be a one shot but your support has allowed me the opportunity to turn it into something bigger.
Also to the folks at the Slayerfanfic posting board who helped me out with the typing question: (also in no particular order)
Karma, Diana, Katharyn, Laura
And without further ado. ;)
~~~~~~
Susanna had been standing in the Unemployment Office for the last half hour, searching the bulletin board for a job she had half a chance of getting. One by one, she carefully examined the sheets of paper and wrote down possible jobs on a blank portion of a piece of newspaper, while her mind kept repeating one phrase over and over again.
Why couldn't tragedy have struck after she received her diploma?
She wasn't completely helpless, though. She was a great typist. Averaging at about 100 words a minute, she could out type every woman in her typing class. Thank goodness, for chat rooms. Plus she had a working knowledge of most computer systems. Any computer that used Windows was pretty much mastered by her. She even knew a few things about those Linux operating systems. Spreadsheets, Presentations… heck, anything professional that could be done with a computer, she could not only do, but do quickly without sacrificing quality. She even knew a few business programs like Quicken, and most of the Corel stuff: A side effect of being a lonely computer geek as a kid.
Just about any of the secretary jobs she had seen on the bulletin board she could do in her sleep, but skill wasn't the problem. The cooing bundle in her arms at the moment was. How could she explain that she had to be around her baby 24/7 without going into her past was a huge setback in getting work. If the job had a day care center, then that would be something. But even then she couldn't help the feeling that not only would her baby still not be safe, but that she would be putting the other children at risk.
Unfortunately, that was a problem she had no way of solving. She would simply have to make as much money as she needed and then "get the hell outta dodge" as the saying goes. Hopefully, the fact that she had gone South instead of North would throw off the monster looking for her and her baby; at least, long enough for her to get out before anyone else could get hurt.
Once she was finished here, she had decided that she would go to the smaller businesses and ask if they were hiring but hadn't placed anything on the bulletin boards yet. She had been fantasizing about forgiving, compassionate old ladies who would be more than willing to help a struggling mother by giving her a quiet, non-demanding job where she could keep her baby close to her. But she knew the chances of that happening were on par with her stumbling over a mountain of money that didn't belong to anybody. As proven by Mr. Griswold, the motel clerk, Sunny Dale was no Mayberry. Still, it was worth a shot.
When you're desperate, nothing seems too far-fetched.
Once she was sure she had checked and written down the names and numbers of every decent job offer in Sunny Dale, Susanna left to attempt her Andy Griffith inspired fantasy. For effect, she began whistling the theme song as she walked out.
~~~~~~
Xander parked his car at the Wilkins Memorial Hall where the Unemployment Office along with many other government offices was held. He stepped out of his car just as his two passengers did the same. The low moaning coming from behind him was Dawn's. She was still reaping the after-effects of the International House of Pancakes breakfast. She bet Xander that she could out eat him. She lost; although, from the sound of her you wouldn't have known.
Chuckling, Xander commented to Buffy, "I warned her. But would she listen? Noooooo." Buffy smiled for the first time since leaving the restaurant. She had been in a slight funk when the waitress kept calling her Ma'am. It wouldn't have been so bad, had Buffy hadn't recognized her as a Senior from her Sophomore year at Sunny Dale High and if she had called Xander Sir. Being isolated as the older woman by someone older then you wasn't exactly what she had in mind when she dressed in her Mother's clothes. Mature was one thing, old was another.
Xander believed that the reason why Dawn had done something so childish as to challenge him to an eating contest was that she wanted to cheer her sister up. That being the case he was more then willing to comply. He also decided that he'd do something special for the Dawnster later.
Or maybe he would just make pancakes later and watch her squirm.
On their way into the building, Xander took the chewing gum he had been chomping on and stuck it on the bronze statue of Mayor Wilkins. At the smirking looks of his companions, Xander shrugged and told them, "What? After what Mayor McSnake did to us, the city should be thankful my only revenge is chewing gum. I've been fantasizing of pulling a Bart and hacking this thing's head off since they put it up last year."
Buffy smiled again. "Aww, don't be so hard on yourself, Xander. At least we got to blow up the school."
"Every teenager's fantasy."
Dawn turned toward her sister. "Buffy? Can I blow up my school?"
"Only after you've graduated."
As they were entering the Unemployment Office, Xander could swear he had heard the theme song to "The Andy Griffith Show," but he shrugged it off. As mentally unstable as he had been feeling it was a wonder he didn't have the theme from "Psycho" blasting in his ears, as his own private surround sound.
The Unemployment Office was normally very busy on Saturdays, and today was no exception. People mostly moved about checking the various bulletin boards advertising work around Sunnydale and other places in the greater area of California. All of the local stuff, was off to a very familiar corner to Xander. He didn't even want to guess the amount of times he had been there, looking for a job he knew would fire him anyway. Of course, many times he at least had Anya to keep him company and spout what she would consider words of inspiration; which, usually, boiled down to her stating in a very loud voice that someone as skilled as him in bed had to have other more socially applicable skills; although, she never used those particular words. The looks of the faces of the people around him would forever be ingrained in his memory. As embarrassing as it was, he looked at those times fondly.
Xander allowed himself a sad smile. He really missed how she could make him feel better no matter what else was going wrong in his life. Little things like that are worth their weight in gold.
Xander and Dawn began looking through the bulletin boards, for lack of anything better to do, while Buffy walked up to the teller at the far side of the lobby. Before she even could say anything polite to her, the teller said in a bored voice, "Do you have an appointment?"
Buffy's face clearly showed the slight panic she was feeling. "Umm… Appointment?…Yeah. A-About that. See…"
Before Buffy could further become a babbling, stuttering mess, Xander interrupted. "Buffy Summers. One PM. With a Misses Greene, I believe."
Buffy looked to him with a question in her eyes. Xander merely shrugged, took out his cell phone and pointed to it. She nodded, although, none too gracefully; her momentary panic subsiding.
A few clicks of the teller's terminal and she confirmed what Xander had said. She then proceeded to tell Buffy to please take a seat and wait for her to call her name. As Buffy did just that, she poked Xander in the ribs and thanked him.
"Don't worry about it. I know the drill around here. Me and Anya went through it a lot." His nostalgia makes itself visible to Buffy in the form of another sad smile. She placed her hand on his shoulder and smiled with him, her own pain evident through it.
"She'd be very proud of you."
Xander's smile grew a little more life into it. "And you're Mom would be proud of you."
~~~~~~
The afternoon spent at The Unemployment Office was just as painful to Buffy as Xander had said it would be. Dropping out of college didn't allow her much lee-way with Mrs. Greene. But at least she had attended and when Buffy let slip of her issue with taking over her mother's mortgage, Mrs. Greene became a little more complacent with her. She told Buffy about a couple of internships that could help her, and Buffy was considering them.
She was also considering about what her sister had said about asking Xander to move in with them. Dawn had some valid points, she had to admit that to herself even if she would never admit to her sister. Still, she couldn't shake the nagging feeling that asking him to move in to help pay for the mortgage wasn't right somehow.
She needed to talk to someone. She needed to talk to Willow.
Buffy decided to head there before her patrol that night.
~~~~~~
So here I am in front of the Magic Box about to spill my guts to Giles.
I couldn't be any more terrified if the earth literally opened up at my feet.
I push through the doors and walk inside. Buffy's just finished talking to Giles and looks about to head off for her patrol. Once she's gone it'll be just me and the G-Man. I called earlier to make sure Willow wasn't there. She's someone I'm going to have to deal with too, but first things first. I have to talk to Giles.
I wish Buffy luck on her patrols and watch her head out. I would volunteer to go with her but she's going with Willow so I'm going to give them a wide berth.
Real wide.
After the door closes, Giles looks at me and gestures towards the table in the back that we reserve for discussion's about the latest Big Bad. He cleans his glasses which is a sure sign of a lecture. He's going to expect me to open up my feelings to him; something easier said then done. I'm not even sure what I feel. It's all jumbled up.
One thing I'm sure of, though… I'm scared of myself.
We sit down and I take a deep breath to compose myself. Well, actually it's an excuse to buy more time because I'm not sure where I want to start. Hmm, maybe I should go with that.
"I'm really not sure where I should start."
"Anywhere you'd like Xander. But I always find it easier to start at the beginning."
I'm sure he found that deeply profound, but it only annoys me. But I don't want to piss him off so I keep my emotions in check. A rarity these days. Although I keep my cool around Buffy and Dawn, anyone else can set me off easy.
"I get angry easier. Not that I was Mr. Calm-And-Collected before. Around the gang, I'm okay. But anyone else and hello mood swing. And… Part of me enjoys it."
"You enjoy being mean to other people?"
"It's not that… It's the release of everything. I feel…I feel like I've been holding back for years and this big build-up just looks for anything to let it out. I've been trying to go the covert way of dealing with that by going at it with Mr. Punching Bag over there, but… I'm not even sure if that's helping. It feels better for a little while. Then… It all comes back, again."
"You don't like talking about your feelings then?"
"That's a big 'no', Giles. I don't even think I would have talked to Buffy and Dawn if I didn't know that it makes THEM feel better when I do. They think I blame them for Anya."
"Do you?"
"Of course not. It was random. A one-in-million joke. The only one I can blame is myself and even I know that won't fly."
"You blame yourself, then?"
"Sometimes. Especially after the nightmares."
"Nightmares?"
"Yeah. Sometimes I see it happen again. Y'know when she died in my arms. Other times I dream she's alive or in a coffin. Once I dreamt that I was getting married, only I couldn't see who it was under the vale. After the preacher says, 'You may know kiss the bride.' I lift it and…" Tears begin to flow down my cheeks… "And it's Anya, but… she's a rotting corpse and there's worms and maggots crawling on her face and her skin's all 'eaten-up'…" I try to take a deep breath but it hitches because I'm crying. "Sometimes though… The dreams are good. It's happy memories where everything worked out fine and she's with me and I forget that she's gone… But then I wake up and I reach for her… then it all hits me allover again."
Giles is crying too, now. I wonder when he started. He hands me a tissue and I attempt to clean myself off a bit.
"Coupla 'manly' men, huh?" Good old humor: my fallback.
We just sit there awhile in silence. It's not really uncomfortable. I think he knows what I want to say. I just need more time. I gotta let this soak in. He understands that.
After a couple of minutes, he speaks. "I've noticed the tension between you and Willow."
Oh, goody! Now I can talk about that! "Yeah. I think watching me kill Ben… Well, it scared the hell outta her."
"That's rather obvious. How did that make you feel?"
"Killing Ben?" He nodded. "I don't know. It was like this realization that if I didn't, Glory would come back and more people would die. Even if she wouldn't be after Dawn the world in general would still be in danger. Ben was like a ticking time bomb. Eventually, he was gonna die. Death is scary to someone who's used to being immortal. If she couldn't go back to her dimension where she'd be immortal again, she'd probably wanna end the world anyway. Like a little kid who breaks a toy because they can't have it… In my heart I knew that he had to die. I can't begin to tell you how much that idea scares me." I look him directly in the eyes. "How can your heart tell you to kill, Giles?"
"…Sometimes a black-and-white solution is required for a situation with a lot of gray."
"But that don't make it any easier, does it?"
He looks to the floor. "No… No it doesn't."
******To*Be*Continued******
I know I originally promised some Willow action and plot but this part was so draining that I had to post it right away. I will, however, write it as soon as I get some sleep. That pesky writer's block is dead and the next chapter should be up real soon. I promise. I already know where to start it.
I just… need… sleep… Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
-- (crying) I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, (sniffling) there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. (still teary) And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why. --
Emma Caulfield as Anya in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (The Body)
Jamiearn, DeBrabant aka Danii, Gee, Xanderluv, Eojt, Bolo, Inscriffany, Amelia, Britt, Kristen, Onion Girl, Chocoholic, StarGoddess Vicky, CaLeN, Titânia-dora, Zekkers, Drake Roberts, Mutant, Skelron, Lwbush aka Lori or Lorificus which is my new pet name for her, Banquo, Varthan, and VegaKeep.
I honest to god had intended "To Live…" to be a one shot but your support has allowed me the opportunity to turn it into something bigger.
Also to the folks at the Slayerfanfic posting board who helped me out with the typing question: (also in no particular order)
Karma, Diana, Katharyn, Laura
And without further ado. ;)
~~~~~~
Susanna had been standing in the Unemployment Office for the last half hour, searching the bulletin board for a job she had half a chance of getting. One by one, she carefully examined the sheets of paper and wrote down possible jobs on a blank portion of a piece of newspaper, while her mind kept repeating one phrase over and over again.
Why couldn't tragedy have struck after she received her diploma?
She wasn't completely helpless, though. She was a great typist. Averaging at about 100 words a minute, she could out type every woman in her typing class. Thank goodness, for chat rooms. Plus she had a working knowledge of most computer systems. Any computer that used Windows was pretty much mastered by her. She even knew a few things about those Linux operating systems. Spreadsheets, Presentations… heck, anything professional that could be done with a computer, she could not only do, but do quickly without sacrificing quality. She even knew a few business programs like Quicken, and most of the Corel stuff: A side effect of being a lonely computer geek as a kid.
Just about any of the secretary jobs she had seen on the bulletin board she could do in her sleep, but skill wasn't the problem. The cooing bundle in her arms at the moment was. How could she explain that she had to be around her baby 24/7 without going into her past was a huge setback in getting work. If the job had a day care center, then that would be something. But even then she couldn't help the feeling that not only would her baby still not be safe, but that she would be putting the other children at risk.
Unfortunately, that was a problem she had no way of solving. She would simply have to make as much money as she needed and then "get the hell outta dodge" as the saying goes. Hopefully, the fact that she had gone South instead of North would throw off the monster looking for her and her baby; at least, long enough for her to get out before anyone else could get hurt.
Once she was finished here, she had decided that she would go to the smaller businesses and ask if they were hiring but hadn't placed anything on the bulletin boards yet. She had been fantasizing about forgiving, compassionate old ladies who would be more than willing to help a struggling mother by giving her a quiet, non-demanding job where she could keep her baby close to her. But she knew the chances of that happening were on par with her stumbling over a mountain of money that didn't belong to anybody. As proven by Mr. Griswold, the motel clerk, Sunny Dale was no Mayberry. Still, it was worth a shot.
When you're desperate, nothing seems too far-fetched.
Once she was sure she had checked and written down the names and numbers of every decent job offer in Sunny Dale, Susanna left to attempt her Andy Griffith inspired fantasy. For effect, she began whistling the theme song as she walked out.
~~~~~~
Xander parked his car at the Wilkins Memorial Hall where the Unemployment Office along with many other government offices was held. He stepped out of his car just as his two passengers did the same. The low moaning coming from behind him was Dawn's. She was still reaping the after-effects of the International House of Pancakes breakfast. She bet Xander that she could out eat him. She lost; although, from the sound of her you wouldn't have known.
Chuckling, Xander commented to Buffy, "I warned her. But would she listen? Noooooo." Buffy smiled for the first time since leaving the restaurant. She had been in a slight funk when the waitress kept calling her Ma'am. It wouldn't have been so bad, had Buffy hadn't recognized her as a Senior from her Sophomore year at Sunny Dale High and if she had called Xander Sir. Being isolated as the older woman by someone older then you wasn't exactly what she had in mind when she dressed in her Mother's clothes. Mature was one thing, old was another.
Xander believed that the reason why Dawn had done something so childish as to challenge him to an eating contest was that she wanted to cheer her sister up. That being the case he was more then willing to comply. He also decided that he'd do something special for the Dawnster later.
Or maybe he would just make pancakes later and watch her squirm.
On their way into the building, Xander took the chewing gum he had been chomping on and stuck it on the bronze statue of Mayor Wilkins. At the smirking looks of his companions, Xander shrugged and told them, "What? After what Mayor McSnake did to us, the city should be thankful my only revenge is chewing gum. I've been fantasizing of pulling a Bart and hacking this thing's head off since they put it up last year."
Buffy smiled again. "Aww, don't be so hard on yourself, Xander. At least we got to blow up the school."
"Every teenager's fantasy."
Dawn turned toward her sister. "Buffy? Can I blow up my school?"
"Only after you've graduated."
As they were entering the Unemployment Office, Xander could swear he had heard the theme song to "The Andy Griffith Show," but he shrugged it off. As mentally unstable as he had been feeling it was a wonder he didn't have the theme from "Psycho" blasting in his ears, as his own private surround sound.
The Unemployment Office was normally very busy on Saturdays, and today was no exception. People mostly moved about checking the various bulletin boards advertising work around Sunnydale and other places in the greater area of California. All of the local stuff, was off to a very familiar corner to Xander. He didn't even want to guess the amount of times he had been there, looking for a job he knew would fire him anyway. Of course, many times he at least had Anya to keep him company and spout what she would consider words of inspiration; which, usually, boiled down to her stating in a very loud voice that someone as skilled as him in bed had to have other more socially applicable skills; although, she never used those particular words. The looks of the faces of the people around him would forever be ingrained in his memory. As embarrassing as it was, he looked at those times fondly.
Xander allowed himself a sad smile. He really missed how she could make him feel better no matter what else was going wrong in his life. Little things like that are worth their weight in gold.
Xander and Dawn began looking through the bulletin boards, for lack of anything better to do, while Buffy walked up to the teller at the far side of the lobby. Before she even could say anything polite to her, the teller said in a bored voice, "Do you have an appointment?"
Buffy's face clearly showed the slight panic she was feeling. "Umm… Appointment?…Yeah. A-About that. See…"
Before Buffy could further become a babbling, stuttering mess, Xander interrupted. "Buffy Summers. One PM. With a Misses Greene, I believe."
Buffy looked to him with a question in her eyes. Xander merely shrugged, took out his cell phone and pointed to it. She nodded, although, none too gracefully; her momentary panic subsiding.
A few clicks of the teller's terminal and she confirmed what Xander had said. She then proceeded to tell Buffy to please take a seat and wait for her to call her name. As Buffy did just that, she poked Xander in the ribs and thanked him.
"Don't worry about it. I know the drill around here. Me and Anya went through it a lot." His nostalgia makes itself visible to Buffy in the form of another sad smile. She placed her hand on his shoulder and smiled with him, her own pain evident through it.
"She'd be very proud of you."
Xander's smile grew a little more life into it. "And you're Mom would be proud of you."
~~~~~~
The afternoon spent at The Unemployment Office was just as painful to Buffy as Xander had said it would be. Dropping out of college didn't allow her much lee-way with Mrs. Greene. But at least she had attended and when Buffy let slip of her issue with taking over her mother's mortgage, Mrs. Greene became a little more complacent with her. She told Buffy about a couple of internships that could help her, and Buffy was considering them.
She was also considering about what her sister had said about asking Xander to move in with them. Dawn had some valid points, she had to admit that to herself even if she would never admit to her sister. Still, she couldn't shake the nagging feeling that asking him to move in to help pay for the mortgage wasn't right somehow.
She needed to talk to someone. She needed to talk to Willow.
Buffy decided to head there before her patrol that night.
~~~~~~
So here I am in front of the Magic Box about to spill my guts to Giles.
I couldn't be any more terrified if the earth literally opened up at my feet.
I push through the doors and walk inside. Buffy's just finished talking to Giles and looks about to head off for her patrol. Once she's gone it'll be just me and the G-Man. I called earlier to make sure Willow wasn't there. She's someone I'm going to have to deal with too, but first things first. I have to talk to Giles.
I wish Buffy luck on her patrols and watch her head out. I would volunteer to go with her but she's going with Willow so I'm going to give them a wide berth.
Real wide.
After the door closes, Giles looks at me and gestures towards the table in the back that we reserve for discussion's about the latest Big Bad. He cleans his glasses which is a sure sign of a lecture. He's going to expect me to open up my feelings to him; something easier said then done. I'm not even sure what I feel. It's all jumbled up.
One thing I'm sure of, though… I'm scared of myself.
We sit down and I take a deep breath to compose myself. Well, actually it's an excuse to buy more time because I'm not sure where I want to start. Hmm, maybe I should go with that.
"I'm really not sure where I should start."
"Anywhere you'd like Xander. But I always find it easier to start at the beginning."
I'm sure he found that deeply profound, but it only annoys me. But I don't want to piss him off so I keep my emotions in check. A rarity these days. Although I keep my cool around Buffy and Dawn, anyone else can set me off easy.
"I get angry easier. Not that I was Mr. Calm-And-Collected before. Around the gang, I'm okay. But anyone else and hello mood swing. And… Part of me enjoys it."
"You enjoy being mean to other people?"
"It's not that… It's the release of everything. I feel…I feel like I've been holding back for years and this big build-up just looks for anything to let it out. I've been trying to go the covert way of dealing with that by going at it with Mr. Punching Bag over there, but… I'm not even sure if that's helping. It feels better for a little while. Then… It all comes back, again."
"You don't like talking about your feelings then?"
"That's a big 'no', Giles. I don't even think I would have talked to Buffy and Dawn if I didn't know that it makes THEM feel better when I do. They think I blame them for Anya."
"Do you?"
"Of course not. It was random. A one-in-million joke. The only one I can blame is myself and even I know that won't fly."
"You blame yourself, then?"
"Sometimes. Especially after the nightmares."
"Nightmares?"
"Yeah. Sometimes I see it happen again. Y'know when she died in my arms. Other times I dream she's alive or in a coffin. Once I dreamt that I was getting married, only I couldn't see who it was under the vale. After the preacher says, 'You may know kiss the bride.' I lift it and…" Tears begin to flow down my cheeks… "And it's Anya, but… she's a rotting corpse and there's worms and maggots crawling on her face and her skin's all 'eaten-up'…" I try to take a deep breath but it hitches because I'm crying. "Sometimes though… The dreams are good. It's happy memories where everything worked out fine and she's with me and I forget that she's gone… But then I wake up and I reach for her… then it all hits me allover again."
Giles is crying too, now. I wonder when he started. He hands me a tissue and I attempt to clean myself off a bit.
"Coupla 'manly' men, huh?" Good old humor: my fallback.
We just sit there awhile in silence. It's not really uncomfortable. I think he knows what I want to say. I just need more time. I gotta let this soak in. He understands that.
After a couple of minutes, he speaks. "I've noticed the tension between you and Willow."
Oh, goody! Now I can talk about that! "Yeah. I think watching me kill Ben… Well, it scared the hell outta her."
"That's rather obvious. How did that make you feel?"
"Killing Ben?" He nodded. "I don't know. It was like this realization that if I didn't, Glory would come back and more people would die. Even if she wouldn't be after Dawn the world in general would still be in danger. Ben was like a ticking time bomb. Eventually, he was gonna die. Death is scary to someone who's used to being immortal. If she couldn't go back to her dimension where she'd be immortal again, she'd probably wanna end the world anyway. Like a little kid who breaks a toy because they can't have it… In my heart I knew that he had to die. I can't begin to tell you how much that idea scares me." I look him directly in the eyes. "How can your heart tell you to kill, Giles?"
"…Sometimes a black-and-white solution is required for a situation with a lot of gray."
"But that don't make it any easier, does it?"
He looks to the floor. "No… No it doesn't."
******To*Be*Continued******
I know I originally promised some Willow action and plot but this part was so draining that I had to post it right away. I will, however, write it as soon as I get some sleep. That pesky writer's block is dead and the next chapter should be up real soon. I promise. I already know where to start it.
I just… need… sleep… Zzzzzzzzzzzzz
-- (crying) I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, (sniffling) there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. (still teary) And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why. --
Emma Caulfield as Anya in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (The Body)
