TITLE: Where Do I Fit In Your Life?

AUTHOR: Wicked Raygun

E-MAIL: wicked_raygun@hotmail.com

SUMMARY: Is it worth the risk to tell someone how you feel, when they might not feel the same way?

RATING: TV-14. No worse then what's on the show

SPOILERS: Up to "The Gift" and some possible season 6 stuff.

DISCLAIMOR: I refuse to believe this is necessary. Does anyone here actually believe I own this stuff in any way? Well… To the folks who do own a piece of the Buffster and/or her friends and enemies, I mean you no harm. I'm simply borrowing your toys to put on a little puppet show. I promise to bring them all back in near-mint condition. Even Spike.

FEEDBACK: Everyone needs a little love. It makes the world go round and writers post faster.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I finally finished this part. I told you I would. So please sit back and enjoy.



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Part Two
********

Since Anya left him, Xander has been doing nearly anything and everything in his power to keep busy. He takes as much overtime as is possible at the construction yard, throwing himself into his carpentry. The precision and concentration necessary for the trade allows him to focus. It's almost Zen-like. There is no past or future, only the now. Concentrate on the now and your problems are pushed aside, if only, momentarily. And right now, he really needed that focus.


His hands swept along the handsaw. Simple, yet effective. Unlike the brute force of an electric saw, a handsaw relied on your movement, your guidance. Nothing random about it. All factors could be controlled. An electric saw may have been quicker, but there's something to be said about slow and steady.


Especially when you want to forget for a while.


Unfortunately, he was here for a job. A job that required rapid production at the apparent cost of his tranquility. His hand left the handsaw as he mouthed a silent, "Later," to it. He picked up the buzz saw and begun to cut with smooth, long strokes along the lines he had marked earlier. The loud shriek of a buzz saw was far different from the pleasant rhythmic hum that accompanied a handsaw, but, with enough focus, it still offered that state of calm he was searching for.


There was a lot on his mind that he didn't want to think about right now.


Most of it had to do with trust. He thought.


But Xander had long abandoned himself to his work and so these things had been purged from his mind and would not resurface until later. An inevitability that nagged at him as he methodically and expertly moved about his tasks. Time blurred and except for the call for lunch, which Xander decided to ignore, he was left to his craft. But then the most horrible thing he could imagine happening, did.


Work ended. There was no more to do. He had to go home.


And just like clockwork, the second he entered his car his problems were back to plague him. It was enough to make him curse, which he did.


The bombshell Spike dropped on him last night, still racked his mind. He didn't want to believe him. He much preferred to think that Spike was just being, well, Spike. Xander trusted Buffy; he always had. The idea that she would willingly seduce Spike just didn't seem to fly with what he knew of her.


You don't know you're sweet Buffy as well as you think, Spike told him.


Xander's grip on his steering wheel became white-knuckle tight. How could she?!?


He closed his eyes for a second and breathed deeply, a dangerous thing to do while driving but necessary for Xander to relax. Even if she did kiss Spike, which a big part of him thought unlikely, she didn't owe him any explanations.


That thought made him even angrier, and he couldn't figure out why.



~~~~~~***~~~~~~



Dawn was excited. One of the cutest guys in her school had asked her to the next school dance. That event was still an entire month ahead, but it didn't lessen her excitement any. Kevin had to go on a trip with his folks and because of that he wouldn't be in school for the next week. She thought it was extremely cute the way he said he had to ask her early because he didn't want to risk her being asked by some other guy.


Pfft. As if a whole mountain of guys were busting the door down for me.


In her hands, she held Kevin's phone number. He told her that he was going to the train station which would take them to the LAX Airport as soon as school was out; so more then likely, he wouldn't be home. But soon, this phone number would allow herself to talk to her first boyfriend. Well, nothing had been made official yet; but still, she felt she had nothing to worry about.


Kevin is such a great guy. There really wasn't any reason for Bry to get all brotherly about him. That thought made her sigh.


When Buffy died, Bry was the only one she felt had any understanding about what she was going through. They seemed to rely on each other for support in the painful day-to-day rituals of life. The simple act of going into the rooms of their recently deceased siblings had been a three hour discussion on closure. It was after that very discussion that she realized how cute Bry was whenever he got nervous or anxious or how he would straighten out his slouch whenever he felt what he was going to say was really important.


But apparently, whatever sort of crush she had simply wasn't returned from Bry. She was used to it. She usually wasn't a blip on the guy radar for those things. It seemed to her that they had become a replacement for each other's lost siblings. Protecting and consoling one another became the initial bond for their relationship. Moving from something like that into something more was probably the last thing on his mind.


When Buffy had come back, Dawn decided that she would tell him how she felt. But the one time she tried actually flirting with him, he kept looking at her strangely. Later that day she had come to the conclusion that Bry would probably always see her as the replacement for his brother; especially, since, his brother wasn't going to miraculously come back from the dead. Even her best friend Lisa said that if he hadn't noticed by now then he probably wasn't going to.


She was so consumed with her thoughts that she didn't even notice her sister on the couch taking a nap. She walked right passed her and moved into the kitchen intent on making herself a sandwich. When she opened the fridge she saw her sister in the corner of her eye. She quickly turned around fearing the worst. Buffy was stretched out awkwardly in much the same position Dawn had dreamed Buffy found her mom. She panicked.


Oh God no! She ran to her sister. "Buffy! Buffy! BUFFY!"


The relief that flowed through her when Buffy stirred felt like an enormous weight being lifted off of her chest.


Buffy flew into a battle stance worried about her sister's screaming. "Dawn!?! Dawn what is it?!? Is someone here?!?" Buffy was interrupted by a blur of long, brown hair. Dawn held onto Buffy possessively, as if some invisible spirit would attempt to take her away from her at a moment's notice. Her screaming had died down to a steady sobbing as her back arched up in down in labored breaths. "Dawn?" Buffy cooed. "Dawn what's wrong?"


Dawn raised her eyes to Buffy's, attempting to act strong. "I… When I saw you laying so still on the couch…" Dawn didn't want to finish that sentence. Buffy looked over to the couch she had been napping on and shuddered, remembering the day she had found her mother there… so still. Buffy just rested there earlier and happened to fall asleep. The thought of that being the couch where her mother had died never crossed her mind.


"I'm so sorry Dawn. I just wanted to rest a little. I was really tired from last night's patrol. I-I wasn't thinking… Sorry." Buffy leaned into the embrace and allowed her sister the time to collect herself. After a few more dry heaves, Dawn composed herself long enough to wipe her tears on her sleeve.


"Jesus Buffy! Couldn't you have gone to your bed?"


"Once again with the 'sorry'." Buffy smiled, hoping to brighten the mood a little. Dawn smiled back.


"It's okay, just… NEVER," she emphasized, "Fall asleep on this couch again. Is that clear?"


"Crystal."


Dawn sighed in relief and moved extra slowly to the kitchen. "You want a sandwich Buffy?"


"No that's okay. I'm not that hungry. Besides, I'm supposed to be at the Magic Box-" She paused to look at her watch, and froze in horror. "… Half an hour ago!" Oh God Dawnie I have to leave."


"Wait!" Dawn cried out in amusement. "Aren't you going to ask me about my day?"


Buffy froze in mid-step at the door, caught between the roles of Responsible Shop Runner Lady and Caring Big Sister Girl. "Umm, Dawn? Can this wait till later? If I don't get to the shop, Giles might just come back from England to kill me." Dawn gave Buffy the great puppy dog eye look she had perfected with Xander's help. Add in the fact that Dawn's eyes were still a little puffy from earlier and the effect was Caring Big Sister Girl throwing Responsible Shop Runner Lady out the window. Buffy smiled in defeat knowing that she had just been manipulated by her baby sister. "How was your day, Dawn?"


"Oh, nothing special." Dawn playfully looked to the floor and swung from side-to-side like a little girl who wanted the world to know she had a secret she'd never tell.


Buffy knew that look. It was the look only a Summers could get after spending time with a boy. If it wasn't for her new role as caretaker, she would have been bouncing up and down screaming for her sister in happiness. Instead of that, she decided to play along with her sister's little game.


"Nothing, eh? 'Nothing' usually doesn't make someone smile that wide. You're holding out on me."


"You're very perceptive."


"Well?" Buffy said after a pause. Her sister really wanted to prolong this.


"I have a date to the school dance," she said smiling.


Well I'll be damned. Bry did it. Yay, Bry. Buffy smiled, trying not to act like she knew about Xander and Bry's Operation: Dead by Dawn. "Oh Dawn that's so great." Buffy smiled mischievously. "So…Who's the lucky guy? And will I have to be kicking his ass for going near my sister?" she asked with a smirk.


"It's Kevin!" Dawn said while bouncing up and down in giddiness.


Buffy's face fell in confusion. "Who?"


"Oh. You never met him. But… He is so cute." Dawn's face lit up like Christmas tree upon saying that. "And he likes me. Something I've discovered very necessary when pursuing a relationship with a guy."


"Yeah that is- Wait! Pursuing?!? You've been pursuing?!? How long has this been happening?"


"Buffy you're freaking," Dawn stated flatly.


Buffy breathed deeply. "You're right. It's natural to like guys at your age. I shouldn't be worried." Buffy glared at Dawn. "Should I?"


"Buffy!"


"Okay. Uncalled for. It's just… You're my little sister. And this stuff gives me serious wiggins. Sorry… So before Buffy makes an even bigger ass of her self, Kevin would be?"


"I thought you had to go to work?"


"You're just going to leave me hanging?" Dawn nodded. "After all that?" She nodded again only this time a bit more comically. Buffy was about to make for the door and go to work when she remembered how Xander had been coaching Bry to get over his fear of rejection and take a chance on telling Dawn how he felt. She thought that maybe she should do something but it was ultimately Dawn's love life. Did I just think she has a love life? Oh god I need air… Okay, even if I don't want to interfere with Dawn's lo- uhh, social life, maybe I should at least let her know she has choices.


"Dawn? In all seriousness are you sure that this Kevin guy would be the right guy for you?"


"Buffy, you don't have to worry about me. Kevin is a very sweet guy. He even asked me out a month ahead of schedule because he thought that another guy would swoop in on me. Isn't that just the cutest thing?"


"The cutest." Buffy kept her tone light but inside she was wincing at the thought of Bry's reaction to hearing that. "What do Bry and Lisa think?"


"Well Lisa was screaming with me in the girls bathroom for about ten minutes. She was so excited. Bry was a little apprehensive and he got all older-brotherly. You know how he is: always trying to protect me." Buffy thought that Dawn's voice had a twinge of sadness in it when she said that last part. Maybe Bry has a chance after all. "But after I talked to him, he told me he was cool with it."


Oh… Oh, poor Bry. He must have been heart-broken. "So Bry just left it at that?"


"Yeah. Why wouldn't he?"


Rather then tread on THAT minefield, Buffy decided to change the subject as tactfully as possible. "Oh… No reason. So are you going to see Kevin before the big event?"


"Well, we haven't really discussed that… Y'see he kinda had to go to this family thing over in LA. I won't be able to see him until then. But, I do have his phone number. So when he comes back I can talk to him and hopefully we can do some couply stuff to practice."


Oh, She'd better be talking about holding hands!


Dawn continued, "It's not everyday an amazing guy tells you he wants to dance with you."


Buffy smiled sadly. "No... No it isn't."


Dawn missed the sad look. "I'm gonna go upstairs and do my homework now. You should get to work. Bye"


"Bye Dawn."


Dawn left to go upstairs and Buffy stared at the top of the steps. She sighed and went for her jacket but just as she was about to leave the phone rang.



~~~~~~***~~~~~~



Bry laid on his bed and wondered just how badly life was going to suck for the next few days. It's bad enough I have to deal with tomorrow. But this is just a whole new level of suckage. Man! I shoulda told her how I felt sooner! I couldn't expect someone as great as Dawn to be unnoticed while I took my sweet time on the subject. Serves me right for waiting so damn long. I hope Dawn has a great time with Kevin. I, on the other hand, will take the time that evening to wallow in the pathetic-ness that is my love life or lack there of.


Bry groaned and realized that he was supposed to call Xander and tell him how everything went. He really wasn't looking forward to evaluating the complete and utter failure that was "Operation: Dead by Dawn." He reached over to the phone on his desk next to the bed, picked up the receiver and dialed Xander's number. After a few rings the phone was picked up.


"Hello?"


"Hey, Xand it's me."


"Bry? How did everything go?"


"Do the words 'Iraqi fighter jet' mean anything to you?"


"Oh geez, Bry. I'm so sorry."


"Yeah. Looks like I'm gonna have to take you up on the country music."


"You got it. I'll come pick you up and we can do some serious caffeine-fueled moping. And, at least you got to tell her how you feel."


"…"


"You did tell her how you feel, right?"


"Not in words… No."


"You're kidding me. What happened to THE man?"


"THE man spent most of first period gluing back together the shattered remnants of his self-esteem."


"No. I mean what went wrong?"


Bry explained the whole mess to Xander.


"This doesn't change anything, y'know."


"I don't follow."


"You're still going to have to tell her how you feel."


"Oh come on. I stepped up to the plate and got beaned, Man. What else you want?"


"Dawn deserves the truth."


"You-… I hate it when you do that?"


"Do what?"


"Make sense."


"Yeah, I'm pesky like that. So what you going to do?"


"You're asking me? Aren't you the man with the plan?"


"There's no real reason to plan this. Just tell her how you feel. Or better yet, show her."


"Show her? I don't-" Bry's eyes caught sight of a picture of him and his brother when they went fishing in San Francisco. The picture was of Danny holding a fishing rod while standing next to an upside down Bry, as if he were a fish, in the classic pose that is seen on TV when a large fish has been caught. Underneath the picture was the caption, "Can I throw it back, Mom?" It was one of Bry's favorite memories of his older brother.


The picture gave him an idea.


"Xander I have just tactically reevaluated 'Operation: Dead by Dawn'."


"Huh?"


"In English, that means I have an idea."


"Need any help?"


"Nope. Just need to call Dawn. I'll call you on Monday to tell you how everything went."


"Good luck man."


"Thanks."


Bry, hung up the phone and thought, This'll either be amazing or completely dorky. After breathing deeply to calm his nerves and set his resolve to stick to his plan, he picked up the phone again and dialed Dawn's number. The phone was picked up by Buffy.


"Hey Buffy. It's Bry. Can you put your sister on."


"Sure, Bry. Just a sec, 'kay." Bry thought that Buffy sounded a little off but decided better not to press any issue other then his plan.


Okay Bry. This is it. No turning back, now. Danny… if you're listening I could really use your help on this one. Oh it's Dawn!


"Hey Dawn." Bry smiled the second her voice came on the phone. The normally fluttering butterflies in his stomach were now doing complex aerial maneuvers.


"Whatcha need Bry?"


That depends. What are you offering? No! Not now. I have to keep my cool. "Actually Dawn, I need you." Well ain't THAT the loaded statement. Explain. Quick. "I wanted to know if you could come over to my house for a few hours tomorrow. I have a surprise for you and it's really important to me that you come." That didn't sound TOO desperate, did it?


"Sure, Bry. No problem. You need help with something."


"I do believe I emphasized the word surprise," he said as he smiled deeply into the receiver.


"Oooh, mystery. I like mysteries. Do I get a clue?"


Bry thought it best to keep the tone of this conversation light. "Nope. You get a night of tossing and turning wondering about it."


"You're cruel."


"I'd like to think of myself as shrewd."


"Alright. Seeya tomorrow."


After Bry set a time for her to come over and said his goodbye he hung up and went to prepare for tomorrow.



~~~~~~***~~~~~~



Xander hung up his phone, mentally wishing Bry good luck, and then returned to his previous position of one arm dangling haphazardly off his bed, the other located behind his head and with one leg tucked behind the other lazily. His body had been laying in that awkward position since he had returned home. There was no conscious attempt to be that way. He had simply fallen in a heap onto his bed, discomfort of the body giving away to sheer mental exhaustion.


It had been a long ride home.


Xander's hair was matted to his forehead, the sweat that had previously been there was now dried and left specks of salt and grime that uncomfortably settled on top of his skin, making its presence known. His normally tucked-in jean shirt was left half out from when he squirmed to pick up Bry's phone call revealing the curly, black hair on his lower stomach. The fold that the shirt created had bunched into a small ball which burrowed into the space above his hips. Xander needed to get out of his work clothes and into the shower. But at the moment he was far too busy tossing ideas around in his head.


Spike had to be lying. Buffy knows that kissing him would be stupid. How many people would willingly kiss their stalker? I mean after the Buffy-bot and the Buffy-shrine she wouldn't… Well, he didn't rat out Dawn to Glory. I guess that was pretty cool of him… But still, Buffy wouldn't… Maybe, she'd be thankful enough for a hug, which would be pushing it way too far anyway… But not a kiss. That's too romantic and Buffy knows not to lead a guy on. Right? I mean, I know that she wasn't in her best frame of mind, what with Gory, her sister and her mom… But it just seems so out of character for her.


The fact that Xander couldn't even get a consensus in his own head was beginning to bother him a great deal. He felt… well he wasn't sure anymore, but he knew that he would always have concern for Buffy. That was non-negotiable and something that he'd take to his grave. When she was willing to stay angry at Riley and let him leave, Xander gave her the right kick in the ass to make her realize that no matter what she should find him and tell him how she felt. Even if she didn't love him, he deserved to know for sure, instead of having some huge question mark above his relationship with her. He had always done his best to protect her in the matters of the heart because it was the only thing he was good at protecting her from. His previous feelings aside, he just wanted her to learn from her mistakes and find someone to make her happy.


And Buffy had messed up along the roads of love. Everyone does. A person would have to be either unbelievably naive or incredibly arrogant to believe that they would get it right the first time around. She tried to carry on a relationship with Angel, who could never give her what she truly wanted and deserved: normalcy. She had slept with Parker after only knowing him a few days. She had ignored Riley to the point of him feeling useless and unloved. Those were mistakes she had made in the past. Each and every situation was more complicated then just that. Mistakes had been made on both sides. But the underlying theme was to learn and grow with each passing relationship.


But to start something with Spike? That was just wrong. That was taking every previous important relationship she ever had and tossing them in the gutter because they were meaningless. Spike didn't have a soul. True love was completely beyond his reach. Buffy should have learned that with Angel. And if she didn't… then Miss Calander died for nothing.


Buffy let the pain and gut-wrenching heartache of her relationship with Angel make her feel guilty over the happiness she felt with Riley and, therefore, she never truly opened up to him. But to start something with someone who couldn't feel love after losing someone who was insanely in love with her was… just sick. Riley made huge mistakes and made bad choices but he did love her.


Spike couldn't feel love. Not really. Maybe a possessive, unhealthy type of wanting of a person, which he might consider love. But nothing real.


Xander grunted in frustration.


For the life of him he couldn't figure out why this was bothering him so much. It all felt like some huge slap in the face. He shouldn't have to check up on her because he trusted her and knew her. When he first mistakenly believed that Buffy had slept with Spike he wasn't surprised. Something that angered him. But being who he is he pushed that aside with concern. He felt that he shouldn't have to mention it to her. But… I'll just casually mention it and see her reaction. It's not like I think Spike is telling the truth or anything…


With this new wave of denial passing over him, he decided to finally get up and take his long-needed shower. As the warm spray washed over him taking away the dust, dirt and grime of a long day of labor, Xander began to seriously wonder why this was bugging him.


And then it hit him like a ton of bricks.



~~~~~~***~~~~~~



"I'm here! I'm here!" Buffy burst into the Magic Box with an apologetic expression on her face. Tara immediately looked up from her post at the register and waved to her. Her more relaxed attitude an affront to Buffy's near panic. "I'm so sorry I'm late Tara. I really wanted to be here earlier but I had some very important things come up and… Aw hell. I don't wanna lie. I fell asleep and missed my time slot completely. I can't stress 'sorry' enough here." Buffy wrung her hands together awaiting Tara's dismissal of the need to say 'sorry'.


"Buffy, it's okay. You're not even that-" She glanced at her wristwatch and winced a little. "Well okay you are pretty late. B-But i-it's not a big deal. Besides, I don't mind it here. I'm a witch in a magic shop." Her head bobbed a little as she thought of something witty. "Same principle as 'kid in a candy store'," she finished triumphantly. It took a lot for someone like Tara to relax this much with someone other then Willow. It just went to show how much of an integral part of their inner circle she had become and how much she enjoyed truly having a place where she felt like she belonged.


Buffy smiled. "Thanks Tara. But I'm still going to have to promise never to be this late again."


"I'd be surprised if you didn't."


"Has the shop been busy today?" Buffy asked as she came up to the cash register.


"Not really. It's been mostly quiet. Willow was here earlier researching that new Demon- Oh! We have a name now. It's a Nayii-Ke Demon."


"A Nike demon? Great. Now they have sponsors. If there's a Pepsi Demon, I quit." Tara giggled at Buffy's wistful dismissal of the Demon's unusual sounding name. "How do I kill it?"


"Hold on." Tara ducked behind the counter a moment and the shuffling of papers could be heard. After a few seconds she came back up. "Aww- Here it is. The Nayii-ke Demon can only be killed using a blessed and sharpened bone of a recently killed virgin child-"


Buffy made a disgusted face.


"OR," Tara continued, "Using a silver weapon to pierce its chest. We should probably go with that one."


Buffy's look of disgust lessened. "Definitely. Because there is no way I'd- Wait! How would the Watcher's Council know that the bones of a child would kill this thing?!?"


There was a small pause as the two women absorbed that. Then Tara finally broke the moment. "Maybe it's best we don't know that one?" Buffy nodded.


Desperately wanting to change the subject, Buffy asked, "You going to stay here for a while?"


"I'd like to. But I promised Willow that I'd meet her after class to have dinner. She's going to cook. She seemed very nervous about that. Should I be nervous about that?"


Buffy smirked but then became more pensive. "Y'know, I don't think I've ever had Willow-cooking but if she's any bit as good as she is with magic then you should be alright."


Tara smiled and left the store, leaving Buffy to just sit around and do nothing.


Well nothing except to think about her favorite carpenter. Dawn's words echoed in her head: "It's not everyday an amazing guy tells you he wants to dance with you." Buffy thought back to the Spring Fling…


"Um... You know, Buffy, uh, Spring Fling is a... time for students to gather and... Oh, God!" Xander takes in a breath. "Buffy, I want you to go to the dance with me. You and me, on a date."


That left Buffy speechless for a moment. "I-I don't know what to say."


"Well, you're not laughing. So that's a good start. Buffy, I like you. A lot. And I know we're friends, and we've had experiences... We've fought some blood-sucking fiends, and that's all been a good time. But I want more. I wanna dance with you."


Buffy fell into a deeper funk remembering the look on his face after she rejected him and ranked it as one of her top ten worst moments in life. And considering one of those moments was finding her mother dead… Well, it was pretty bad.


Okay Self, you better listen to me 'cause I'm only going to say this once. The next time we see Xander, barring a life-threatening moment, you spill your guts and tell him that you like him in more then a friends way. It's been a month since Anya left and he seems to be pretty much over her. Or at least he's gotten some perspective on it. But even if he wasn't, you're still going to tell him. Xander loves you. He won't get freaked and run. He isn't that type of guy. He'll probably try to let you down gently because he doesn't want to risk our friendship… But it doesn't matter. You can't keep this up. It's driving you insane and making you REALLY restless at night. So you WILL tell him. Is that understood? You are not going to die again, without telling him.


"Boy that almost sounded convincing," she whispered as she buried her head on top of the counter. "God, I'm a coward."


Just then there was a jingling at the door and Xander came in.



******To*Be*Continued******



I'm just getting warmed up.


Before I start on the next piece of this though I'm going to write my next chapter of TBoML. I'm dying to get back to that story. But I still love this and I will be working on it right after. I promise.