TITLE: Where Do I Fit In Your Life?
AUTHOR: Wicked Raygun
E-MAIL: wicked_raygun@hotmail.com
SUMMARY: Is it worth the risk to tell someone how you feel, when they might not feel the same way?
RATING: TV-14. No worse then what's on the show
SPOILERS: Up to "The Gift" and then it goes on its merry way into an alternate universe. I started this puppy LONG before season 6 started and although I did use a few possible spoilers they're no biggies.
DISCLAIMOR: I refuse to believe this is necessary. Does anyone here actually believe I own this stuff in any way? Well… To the folks who do own a piece of the Buffster and/or her friends and enemies, I mean you no harm. I'm simply borrowing your toys to put on a little puppet show. I promise to bring them all back in near-mint condition. Even Spike.
FEEDBACK: Everyone needs a little love. It makes the world go round and writers post faster.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'd like to take this time to thank everyone who's given me feedback throughout this endeavor. It means a lot to me and I thank you all from my heart. It makes me feel special. So without further ado… Thanks to (In no particular order): Tim Creecy, Jarrod Harmier, Xandman2000, Kenneth Carter, Stone Cold, Chorlton, Darkdyer, Jennifer L. Hallmark, Michael aka Mutant, Socrates, Jason W. Thompson, Bob Regent, Brooke H., Lynne, Zauriel Angelus, Jai L, Varthan, Calen, Top Quark, Lisa, Faith, Bolo, Jane, Furious George, Kris, and last but not least Seth5095.
If I have missed anyone please e-mail me off list. I tried to track down everyone I could, but I may have missed some people. The search at the BX_Fanfic archive isn't the greatest out there.
Extra Special thanks go out to my BX heroes: Danii, Lori Bush, C-Man and Ozmandayus. Keep the hope and fic alive people. And remember, it's always darkest before the Dawn.
By the way, for anybody who needs a refresher or is coming into this new you can find the rest of this story at fanfiction.net, located here:
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=79383
[} {] Mean, character thoughts... I really need to learn some html.
***********
Part Three
***********
Buffy was speechless. Here she was not even five seconds removed from trying to persuade herself to talk to Xander and he just waltzes on in here. Life was sure full of surprises for this Slayer.
"Hey, Buffy." She noted that he seemed very subdued. As if something had been eating away at him all day. He looked outright miserable. She immediately tossed away her own insecurities and approached him slowly.
"Oh God, Xander, what's wrong?"
"I just uhh… wanted to talk to you… Well, ask you something really." His tone hadn't changed at all.
[}Ask ME something? What could he possibly want to ask me?{] "Sure Xander. Anything."
Xander walked further into the Magic Shop and motioned for Buffy to follow him to the "War Room". The "War Room" being the corner set aside by the stairs that led to the more powerful magical texts and supplies that were not for sale. It was where they would usually meet for their Scooby meetings. He pulled off his brown jacket and set it on the table. His hair was damp and Buffy's heightened slayer senses could smell his Lever 2000 soap mixed with the scent of some shampoo she couldn't identify. [}He must have stepped out of the shower not too long ago.{] Buffy mentally giggled liked some five year old with a crush at that thought, but did her best to stay in her supportive friend role.
Xander began inhaling and exhaling deeply to calm himself. From the lines etching into his face and the way his deep brown eyes darted from left-to-right, Buffy thought that it seemed as if he was mentally debating something.
She was right.
"Xander? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" The irony of her own statement wasn't lost on her and she held back a sigh.
"Well, normally. But what I have to say is a bit… personal. And… you might not appreciate me asking this."
[}Personal?{] she asked herself. "Xander… whatever it is, we'll get through it." When Xander didn't respond right away and looked sheepish and ashamed, Buffy tentatively asked, "Is this about Anya?"
"No. I can safely say that this has nothing to do with Anya."
"Okay."
There was another pause as Xander began to pace the room a little, his fingers being nervously wrung into themselves. This was classic Nervous Xander, Buffy noted to herself. She would have thought he looked adorable if it wasn't for the definite wig factor permeating off of him. He took one more breath, holding it a bit longer then the others and released it.
"Buffy," he began with his voice raspy. He cleared his throat trying to lose his nervousness along with the croak in his voice with the same action, but unfortunately failing miserably. "Buffy," he said again, this time his voice clear of croaking. He hesitated and then said, "You know I care about you right? And that your friendship means everything to me?"
Buffy nodded slowly as his message began to sink in. [}Wait. Ask me something? Personal? Might not like? Friendship important? Nothing to do with Anya? Is… Is he trying to ask me out!?! Oh God. Oh God, thank you!{] Her smile couldn't have been helped if she tried. "Of course, Xander. YOU mean everything to me also." Buffy decided not to say the word friendship. This was her chance. She let her eyes shine with the love that had been growing for him over the past year, wanting to give him any encouragement she could.
"Well I…Buffy I love you, you know that, and… I think about you… and I trust you with my life."
She smiled.
"But… I… Did you ever…? Have you ever…?" He breathed in deeply once more and his eyes closed shut tightly indicating his resolve to get out whatever was bothering him. "During-the-Buffybot-fiasco-did-you-kiss-Spike?" he said hurriedly.
"What?!?"
"Okay, I knew you might react like this."
Buffy's face flushed with anger for only a moment because panic soon settled in. She had been found out. The one thing that caused her the most shame last year and here was the man she was convinced she was falling in love with outing her with it.
Life had a real cruel sense of humor when it came to her love life.
"So…" Xander continued. "It's obvious from the look of utter horror on your face that this is true." Buffy's face was still one of total shock and fear when Xander continued angrily. "How come you never told us!" Although what he really meant, even if he would sooner die them admit it to himself, was, [}How come you never told me!{]
Buffy was never one to say silent for long and that snapped her out of it. A sudden surge of anger and resentment struck from within like a blast of thunder on an unsuspecting night.
"Xander, what happened with me and Spike was, is and never will be your business." Her voice was deadly calm, similar to the tone she used when slaying. Defensively, she crossed her arms in front of her and raised her eyebrows in such a fashion as to practically dare Xander to continue.
"So you're not even denying it," he said his voice quietly angry now, in shocking contrast to his earlier outburst.
"Oh," she said as her eyes menacingly contradicted the near innocent sounding tone of her voice. "So you want me to spell it out for you? Fine. I kissed Spike. It's not something I'm proud of, but it happened."
Buffy flinched at the sudden slump of his shoulders and the look of total devastation in his eyes. His carefree, loving eyes. She did that. She caused him even more pain, just like she always did. [}Oh God.{]
"Xander," she said her voice small and quivering. "I…"
"Don't. I don't wanna hear it. You kissed Spike and you didn't tell anybody about it. Maybe you were ashamed, or maybe you didn't trust us. Either way it's fine. It's not like you owe anybody here any honesty." His voice sounded lifeless to her. No anger. No resentment. No emotion that she could handle and knew how to react to. Nothing. Not a damn thing. "Especially me."
That dead lifeless tone nearly broke her in ways no demon with huge claws and razor sharp fangs ever could.
He grabbed his jacket and began to leave, while Buffy panicked. "Wait!" she cried. He stopped in mid motion of putting on his jacket, looking up at her. She wanted to say… something. But nothing seemed right to her as a hundred possibilities zoomed through her mind: [}It was a mistake. I love you. Let me explain. Spike means nothing to me. I wasn't thinking straight. I never meant to hurt you. I hate that you're mad at me.{] But it was useless, all useless, because she just couldn't get her mouth to work right, to speak those magical words that would stop Xander from feeling so bad, whatever those words were.
She just didn't have the words.
Xander waited while she desperately collected her thoughts, all the while feeling painfully betrayed. He had thought that the days where he couldn't trust her judgment were over. He had believed that for better or for worse she would always do the right thing. But he should have known better. Deep down, he knew long before Spike had shattered his wall of denial. The pain. The constant unending pain that became as part of Buffy's reality as breathing just began to get to her. She had begun to lose hope, the one thing that she had seemingly had an endless supply of flittered away like the falling dust of a vampire on a windy night.
For a moment his expression softened, just for a moment, one quick moment, one that Buffy was able to catch. Just as soon as it was there, however, it was swallowed in his grief once more.
That was it. She had to say something now.
"I'm sorry."
Somehow of all the things that Buffy could have said Xander would have never expected that. She was Buffy. She was sorry for nothing. Her life was hers to live and while she would feel tremendous regret and self-loathing she never really uttered those words and meant them, like she did now. No doubt about it, she was serious. [}But what does that mean?{]
Xander's pause was unnerving her. "Do you hate me?" she asked at length.
He shook his head. "I'm just disappointed."
That hurt, but the fact that he said he didn't hate her and seemed to mean it warmed her a little. She nodded to show she understood.
"Well… this is certainly awkward," he said while shifting his weight to his other foot.
"Yeah."
"Why?"
Buffy's gaze drifted to the floor. "Why did I kiss Spike, you mean?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know."
Xander waited a moment for her to continue, but when she didn't he asked, "Is that it?"
"Pretty much. I don't know what you'd like me to say."
"The truth'd be nice."
She looked him in the eyes, her frown evidence to the pain she was feeling. It broke Xander up inside. "Oh, in that case… 'I don't know' is the truth." She paused as she walked over to a chair and sat down. "I was just… surprised, I guess. I mean, he didn't say a thing to Glory to save his own hide, despite what we all thought. Even you were sympathetic to him that day." Buffy paused and waited for Xander to nod in agreement. He did. She also noticed that he remained standing with his jacket still in his hands. She wished she knew what that meant. "Anyways," she continued, "I was touched and I kissed him. It wasn't anything spectacular or loaded with deep desire, it was a thank you."
"A thank you?"
"Yep."
"That's all?"
"Uh-huh."
"A thank you?"
"I think we covered this," she said with a little humor in her voice.
Xander chuckled uneasily, desperate for anything to relieve the leftover tension in the shop. Buffy smiled a little also. "Buffy, I… don't know what to say, here. This is just a lot to deal with, y'know."
"I understand," she said almost to herself. "Xander…" she said nervously. She took a breath to calm herself before she could continue. "Xander would you… No, let me start over. Xander when was the last time you and me had a heartfelt talk?"
"You mean excluding the times we were at each other's throats? A couple days ago; although, it was mostly me blubbering about Anya."
"I remember," she said sweetly. "I have to go out and nail some Nike demon that's been cruising around Sunnydale enchanting the locals. What do you say we go, we slay and then we have some pizza and… talk."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Is there an echo in here? Yeah. Pizza and soul-searching with the Buffster after slayage. I got it"
Buffy smiled. "Great."
His features, once again, portrayed seriousness and sincerity as he said, "But don't think this conversation's over. We're going to be coming back to it. Something's been wrong, Buffy… ever since Riley left you've been teetering on the edge of something dark and lonely. Add your mom's death, Glory, Dawn, Spike, and… your death," he hesitated, "Things just haven't been right lately. You haven't been yourself and you were, are, vulnerable."
Buffy's smile faltered. "I wouldn't have thrown myself at Spike because I was hurting."
Xander's grim look remained as he nodded but he said nothing of what he really thought. [}I just don't know about that, anymore.{]
"We'll sort this out, Xand," Buffy stated with confidence.
"I think so too… But it's not gonna be easy."
"No it won't. Few things in my life are," she said with a sad smile.
Xander gave Buffy a genuine smile. She smiled back. Then, suddenly remembering something, Xander's face contorted in curiosity. "Uhh, one more question though."
"Shoot."
"Nike Demon?"
~~~~~~***~~~~~~
There are certain times in a person's life when it becomes necessary to make peace with the injustice of the world. When the dull ache of tragedy has to stand aside and allow acceptance and, with the realization of this epiphany, to grow as an individual. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. It is a lesson that many outright refuse to accept and in doing so they lose sight of the good in life.
Tragedy and injustice suck, to put it mildly, but to stop living is an insult to those who have been lost.
Never let it be said that Dawn Summers was a quitter.
Somewhere in the darker, unhappy recesses of her frustrated, teenage mind she had contemplated the idea that she didn't belong in the world. Everyone has these moments of weakness, they are a part of growing up. Unfortunately, she discovered that, in a way, she truly didn't belong. She had been forged as a hiding place of some ancient power that could open the gateways between dimensions: the Key. A dangerous tool if it could be called that. Its power was more akin to a weapon of mass destruction then a "mystical garage door opener" as Bry had put it.
In her mind, she had to be something truly evil for so many to call for her destruction. She was created and people died. A cause and effect situation. The cause was her existence and the effect was the deaths of uncounted amounts.
That was traumatic, and a normal person might have gone insane with that much blood on their conscience, but it could barely compare with the sudden lose of her mother.
HER mother.
That idea in and of itself caused her pain. Was she really her mother? She quite literally came from nowhere, so what was it that made Joyce her mother and not just Buffy's? That was a difficult question that still brings her pain every now and then.
And then her sister died.
Once again the same doubts that had plagued her when she lost her mother resurfaced in a most brutal fashion. This wonderful person, with friends and complexities, was lost to the world to save her. Her. Who was she in the grand scheme of things? Dawn couldn't even answer that question for herself and yet Buffy had sacrificed her life for her.
Life after that became an exercise in simple survival. Doing just enough not to die. Simply existing as opposed to actually living. She might have stayed in that pattern if not for the appearance of a brown haired teen with his own personal tragedy. Bry had lost his older brother.
Dawn could relate to that.
Willow and Tara found him while on a patrol of the Bronze. By the time they got there his brother had already been drained dead, there was only one thing left to do upon that realization. A quick levitation spell involving a stake and Bry had been saved. According to the Witchy Duo, he was in shock and repeated his brother's name over and over again, seemingly unable to comprehend what happened.
Dawn was there when he came in that night. His eyes wide-open in shock, nearly catatonic. After they had sat him down he said one word:
"Vampire."
A simple flat statement and anywhere else it would have been dismissed immediately. There was a hesitation in the voices of Willow and Tara as they tried to pull together a cover story. One he sensed. Somehow he had known the truth in his heart, even as the two witches tried to deny as they always did whenever a local stumbled upon their world. When they tried to invent some story about a mugging gone bad and them chasing the culprit away with pepper spray, he jumped in the air throwing the chairs around and unleashing his own pain unto the furniture and glass cases. He demanded in no uncertain terms the truth. Something evil had killed his brother and he wanted a confirmation of what it was.
Recognizing the pain of grief and helplessness, Dawn told him the truth. The sound of her voice had shocked Willow and Tara because she had been so quiet since they had arrived at the shop that they hadn't realized she was there.
Truthfully, she had been quiet a lot.
She told him about everything: about vampires, demons, the Hell Mouth. During that explanation he remained quiet, using some unknown strength to keep him together, as he sat through it all. Only once she was finished did he say anything.
He said, "And now Danny's gone."
It was so quiet, almost a whisper, but the familiar pain, misery and guilt were there in his voice. Then he started to cry, softly and hesitantly, as if he was holding them back because to admit he was grieving would be to admit that his brother was truly gone. Dawn walked over to him, held him and began her very own flood of tears.
Two total strangers mourning together the loss of their respective siblings.
That was how Dawn Marie Summers met Brian Anthony Miller.
A week later, he returned to the Magic Box announcing his intentions to help out in any way he could. Everyone was dead set against that idea, everyone accept for Dawn. She knew that Bry was searching for peace and a purpose and she wanted the rest of the Scooby Gang to help him achieve it. Besides, she knew that no matter what they told him he would just find a way to help anyway, and without some guidance he would more then likely end up doing something stupid and get killed.
During the rest of that summer they bonded. She told him everything, feeling completely safe in doing so.
When she cried about how she wasn't real, Bry told her that was crap. The past didn't matter because there was nothing she could do to change it. The only thing that mattered was that she was real now.
When she collapsed into herself about the guilt of causing the death of her sister, Bry reminded her that Buffy loved her and if she had been in her place Dawn would have done the same thing. Her sacrifice was about life, and Dawn owed it to her sister to make it a good one.
When she confessed that she had been stealing things, Bry told her that sometimes everyone acts a little crazy but asked her what would her family think about her doing these things. She, of course, stopped.
She began to move on, and so did he. Together they faced the rigors of everyday life.
Then Buffy came back.
After life began to return to normal… well, normal for them, Dawn began to rethink her relationship with Bry. She wanted more; apparently, he didn't.
As she had accepted the other things in her life she could accept that.
Just as in that old prayer: "Lord give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
At fifteen she was already a more mature and level-headed woman then your average twenty-something.
Joyce would have been damn proud.
Joyce also would have wanted her to be happy.
Dawn smiled. She wasn't sure what exactly it was going to take to be happy, but she was no longer afraid of the prospect. She no longer had those intense guilt trips whenever she dared to think of being happy. Her whole life laid ahead of her. Dating. Marriage. Family. A home. She wanted it all, but she'd have to take baby steps. First things first. Dawn, would have to get a boyfriend.
Enter Kevin.
Kevin was a guy who she had known about since she was in the fifth grade, but he wasn't friends with the type of people she hung out with. He was unreachable, unattainable, completely out of her league. He was also gorgeous, a factor not lost on Dawn as she had toted a huge crush for him during the fifth grade and into the sixth. Of course, it didn't quite rival her crush on Xander but few things did.
Dawn chuckled. She still thought Xander was cute, but… Well, she wasn't sure. She just remembered being real happy for him when he announced his upcoming marriage to Anya. Now Xander was just getting over a major hill of depression that was the sudden betrayal of Anya's leaving, and as much as Dawn wanted to hate her, there was a piece of her that missed that wacky ex-demon's view of the world, which was surprising to say the least.
Life was strange that way. Sometimes you just didn't know what you're true feelings were until they smacked you in the face demanding your attention.
Dawn's reflection was interrupted by the chirp of the telephone. She put down her pencil, stood up and picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey Dawn, is that you?"
"Uh, yeah. Who's this?"
"It's Kevin."
Her smile was instantaneous. "Hey. Sorry, but I didn't recognize your phone voice."
"My phone voice?"
"Uh-huh. Everyone sounds different on the telephone, they're phone voice, and since I've never heard you on the phone before I didn't recognize yours. An easy mistake to make really. It's good that I've now heard it so that I can imprint it for later phone calls. You know… Should there be any." [}Dawnie,{] her inner voice told her condescendingly. [}Babble no good when talking to cool boy.{]
Kevin didn't seem to notice or mind her loss of vocal brevity. "So, you wouldn't mind me calling again?"
Dawn barked in surprise. "Me mind? What are you kidding me?" She groaned mentally, wishing she had the sense of mind to edit what she wanted to say before she actually said it. [}Damn Anya/Xander relationship being my one blue print for stability in a heterosexual relationship.{] Kevin merely laughed softly at her reaction. [}He even laughs cool.{]
"You really shouldn't be surprised that I like you. You're a knockout. And you're not a fake like some other girls I've dated." Dawn was smiling and mentally sticking her tongue out at all the spoiled girls she grew up with. Oh, yes… her day had come.
"That's really sweet, Kev."
"Kev? Listen, you should know that I really kinda hate it when people call me that."
His tone wasn't angry or even condescending; truthfully it was very understanding. It still made Dawn wince, though. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"It's okay. I just hate it when people shorten my name. It's one of those pet peeves of mine."
[}Pet peeves? Who the hell says that?… You're new, almost-kinda boyfriend, that's who? So deal with it.{] "Is there any other thing that bugs you that I should be aware of?" she asked innocently.
"No. Just that, so far. What about you? Do you have any little things that annoy you?"
Dawn thought about it for a moment. "No. Not really. I'm pretty easygoing I think."
"I like a woman who can just let the tide take her."
"Yeah, that's me, Miss Go-with-the-flow."
~~~~~~***~~~~~~
"Brian!"
"Coming, Mom."
Bry stood up and left the computer. He had been burning a new CD for himself. It was going to be filled with a lot of sad songs he had in his CD collection along with a few he had downloaded off the Internet. It was going to be his very own "Music of Pain" CD. As much as he trusted Xander's advice and, well, Xander in general, he refused to give into any country music depression-fests. If there was going to be a depression-fest it was going to be to music he actually enjoyed listening to.
He probably should have created this CD long ago but he was so wrapped up in Xander's enthusiasm that he hadn't allowed himself any room for failure. He had been wondering if maybe the Xandman was living vicariously through his, hopefully, budding relationship with Dawn. If so, then it wasn't really all that healthy and he should tell him so... [}Maybe when Dawn shoots me down permanently. I'll need something to vent on in that case.{] He was a bit more realistic now, or rather pessimistic. [}Dawn has some smart, sweet, sensitive, Prince Charming wannabe after her, why would she want some moron like me?{]
Bry had been doing his best to think positive, but the fact of the matter is telling someone how you feel is nerve racking under the best conditions. After crashing and burning once, it becomes even more so.
He made his way downstairs and approached the living room looking for his mom. He found her on the couch looking at an old photo album and frowned immediately. Since they had lost Danny he would occasionally catch her going through his brother's baby pictures; although, for the past few weeks she had been better. Which was the reason for his being upset. She was slowly torturing herself and Danny simply wouldn't have wanted this.
"Mom?"
Her head lifted up from staring at the album slowly, her eyes rimmed with tears despite the small smile on her face. "Hey Brian," she said, her voice cracking a little with her tears, "Can you come here for a second and give me a hug?" Bry walked over to her, stooped down to her level, and did just that. Before everything had happened with his brother, he hadn't been much for hugs. They tended to make him uncomfortable. Now, though, he found himself in need of giving and receiving support through physical contact. What was once uncomfortable he now did without hesitation.
You never really know if the next embrace you give someone you love will be the last.
"You do know what tomorrow is right, honey?" she asked him a few moments into their tender hug. Bry broke from their embrace just enough to give her a small "look." "Of course. Silly question. Have you thought about what you want to do?"
Bry nodded. "Yeah. I'm gonna keep alive an old tradition… and, hopefully, start a new one."
His mom smiled. "And would this tradition have anything to do with a certain cute brown-haired girl who's been in and out of here a lot lately?"
Bry paled. "Awwww, man. Am I that obvious?"
"Only to those with eyesight, Honey. I'm not quite that old yet. So when is she coming over?"
"Tomorrow afternoon."
"Would you… like some privacy?"
Bry blinked. Twice. Hard. "What have you done with my mother?" She laughed while giving him a mock scolding look.
"I'm serious, Brian."
"Well, that would be kinda nice… but, considering what tomorrow is, you shouldn't have to. I mean, you probably wanna spend some time with me and do some family stuff, which I completely understand, you know, and-"
"Brian," she said softly.
"am completely onboard for, if you want to. Tomorrow is very important, and I wouldn't want to…" Bry was interrupted by her mother hugging him again. He shut up and clutched her tightly, feeling a little bit like a five year old again.
"Does she make you happy?"
"Yes."
"Then you and I can spend time together in the morning. Besides, I've been meaning to visit your Uncle Tony." Bry's smile was instantaneous.
"Thanks Mom. You're the coolest mom I've ever had."
"Uhh, thank you?"
"You're welcome," he said smugly.
"You're never to old for a spanking, Brian."
"You never spanked me."
"I can start."
They laughed. Bry couldn't remember the last time they had spoken like this. He missed this almost as much as he missed Danny.
"I love you, Brian. And I'm very proud of you."
"Well of course, how could you not? I'm a loveable son-of-a-gun… And I love you, too. I know I don't say it enough, but I do."
His mom smiled radiantly. For a long time after losing Danny she was hard to reach, but now, things were looking up in a big way. "Are you scared about tomorrow?" she asked at length.
"Terrified, but in a good way… That didn't make much sense, huh?"
"It makes plenty sense."
"Oh good. I'd hate to think I was going insane."
******To*Be*Continued******
I'm sorry that this chapter was mostly filler, but I really need it as a character building thing for later on. If anyone has noticed the slight change of tone it's because I've been having a complete review of my world philosophy since the tragedy that happened on September 11th. My writing, being the window to my soul that it is, has come to reflect that. But not to worry, the next chapter will be back to it's usual funny, light, easy to read self.
I hope.
Aw, who am I kidding? These dang fics tend to write themselves anyway. It's not like I have any control here.
Till next time, kids.
Ray Rivera, aka Wicked Raygun
AUTHOR: Wicked Raygun
E-MAIL: wicked_raygun@hotmail.com
SUMMARY: Is it worth the risk to tell someone how you feel, when they might not feel the same way?
RATING: TV-14. No worse then what's on the show
SPOILERS: Up to "The Gift" and then it goes on its merry way into an alternate universe. I started this puppy LONG before season 6 started and although I did use a few possible spoilers they're no biggies.
DISCLAIMOR: I refuse to believe this is necessary. Does anyone here actually believe I own this stuff in any way? Well… To the folks who do own a piece of the Buffster and/or her friends and enemies, I mean you no harm. I'm simply borrowing your toys to put on a little puppet show. I promise to bring them all back in near-mint condition. Even Spike.
FEEDBACK: Everyone needs a little love. It makes the world go round and writers post faster.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I'd like to take this time to thank everyone who's given me feedback throughout this endeavor. It means a lot to me and I thank you all from my heart. It makes me feel special. So without further ado… Thanks to (In no particular order): Tim Creecy, Jarrod Harmier, Xandman2000, Kenneth Carter, Stone Cold, Chorlton, Darkdyer, Jennifer L. Hallmark, Michael aka Mutant, Socrates, Jason W. Thompson, Bob Regent, Brooke H., Lynne, Zauriel Angelus, Jai L, Varthan, Calen, Top Quark, Lisa, Faith, Bolo, Jane, Furious George, Kris, and last but not least Seth5095.
If I have missed anyone please e-mail me off list. I tried to track down everyone I could, but I may have missed some people. The search at the BX_Fanfic archive isn't the greatest out there.
Extra Special thanks go out to my BX heroes: Danii, Lori Bush, C-Man and Ozmandayus. Keep the hope and fic alive people. And remember, it's always darkest before the Dawn.
By the way, for anybody who needs a refresher or is coming into this new you can find the rest of this story at fanfiction.net, located here:
http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=79383
[} {] Mean, character thoughts... I really need to learn some html.
***********
Part Three
***********
Buffy was speechless. Here she was not even five seconds removed from trying to persuade herself to talk to Xander and he just waltzes on in here. Life was sure full of surprises for this Slayer.
"Hey, Buffy." She noted that he seemed very subdued. As if something had been eating away at him all day. He looked outright miserable. She immediately tossed away her own insecurities and approached him slowly.
"Oh God, Xander, what's wrong?"
"I just uhh… wanted to talk to you… Well, ask you something really." His tone hadn't changed at all.
[}Ask ME something? What could he possibly want to ask me?{] "Sure Xander. Anything."
Xander walked further into the Magic Shop and motioned for Buffy to follow him to the "War Room". The "War Room" being the corner set aside by the stairs that led to the more powerful magical texts and supplies that were not for sale. It was where they would usually meet for their Scooby meetings. He pulled off his brown jacket and set it on the table. His hair was damp and Buffy's heightened slayer senses could smell his Lever 2000 soap mixed with the scent of some shampoo she couldn't identify. [}He must have stepped out of the shower not too long ago.{] Buffy mentally giggled liked some five year old with a crush at that thought, but did her best to stay in her supportive friend role.
Xander began inhaling and exhaling deeply to calm himself. From the lines etching into his face and the way his deep brown eyes darted from left-to-right, Buffy thought that it seemed as if he was mentally debating something.
She was right.
"Xander? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" The irony of her own statement wasn't lost on her and she held back a sigh.
"Well, normally. But what I have to say is a bit… personal. And… you might not appreciate me asking this."
[}Personal?{] she asked herself. "Xander… whatever it is, we'll get through it." When Xander didn't respond right away and looked sheepish and ashamed, Buffy tentatively asked, "Is this about Anya?"
"No. I can safely say that this has nothing to do with Anya."
"Okay."
There was another pause as Xander began to pace the room a little, his fingers being nervously wrung into themselves. This was classic Nervous Xander, Buffy noted to herself. She would have thought he looked adorable if it wasn't for the definite wig factor permeating off of him. He took one more breath, holding it a bit longer then the others and released it.
"Buffy," he began with his voice raspy. He cleared his throat trying to lose his nervousness along with the croak in his voice with the same action, but unfortunately failing miserably. "Buffy," he said again, this time his voice clear of croaking. He hesitated and then said, "You know I care about you right? And that your friendship means everything to me?"
Buffy nodded slowly as his message began to sink in. [}Wait. Ask me something? Personal? Might not like? Friendship important? Nothing to do with Anya? Is… Is he trying to ask me out!?! Oh God. Oh God, thank you!{] Her smile couldn't have been helped if she tried. "Of course, Xander. YOU mean everything to me also." Buffy decided not to say the word friendship. This was her chance. She let her eyes shine with the love that had been growing for him over the past year, wanting to give him any encouragement she could.
"Well I…Buffy I love you, you know that, and… I think about you… and I trust you with my life."
She smiled.
"But… I… Did you ever…? Have you ever…?" He breathed in deeply once more and his eyes closed shut tightly indicating his resolve to get out whatever was bothering him. "During-the-Buffybot-fiasco-did-you-kiss-Spike?" he said hurriedly.
"What?!?"
"Okay, I knew you might react like this."
Buffy's face flushed with anger for only a moment because panic soon settled in. She had been found out. The one thing that caused her the most shame last year and here was the man she was convinced she was falling in love with outing her with it.
Life had a real cruel sense of humor when it came to her love life.
"So…" Xander continued. "It's obvious from the look of utter horror on your face that this is true." Buffy's face was still one of total shock and fear when Xander continued angrily. "How come you never told us!" Although what he really meant, even if he would sooner die them admit it to himself, was, [}How come you never told me!{]
Buffy was never one to say silent for long and that snapped her out of it. A sudden surge of anger and resentment struck from within like a blast of thunder on an unsuspecting night.
"Xander, what happened with me and Spike was, is and never will be your business." Her voice was deadly calm, similar to the tone she used when slaying. Defensively, she crossed her arms in front of her and raised her eyebrows in such a fashion as to practically dare Xander to continue.
"So you're not even denying it," he said his voice quietly angry now, in shocking contrast to his earlier outburst.
"Oh," she said as her eyes menacingly contradicted the near innocent sounding tone of her voice. "So you want me to spell it out for you? Fine. I kissed Spike. It's not something I'm proud of, but it happened."
Buffy flinched at the sudden slump of his shoulders and the look of total devastation in his eyes. His carefree, loving eyes. She did that. She caused him even more pain, just like she always did. [}Oh God.{]
"Xander," she said her voice small and quivering. "I…"
"Don't. I don't wanna hear it. You kissed Spike and you didn't tell anybody about it. Maybe you were ashamed, or maybe you didn't trust us. Either way it's fine. It's not like you owe anybody here any honesty." His voice sounded lifeless to her. No anger. No resentment. No emotion that she could handle and knew how to react to. Nothing. Not a damn thing. "Especially me."
That dead lifeless tone nearly broke her in ways no demon with huge claws and razor sharp fangs ever could.
He grabbed his jacket and began to leave, while Buffy panicked. "Wait!" she cried. He stopped in mid motion of putting on his jacket, looking up at her. She wanted to say… something. But nothing seemed right to her as a hundred possibilities zoomed through her mind: [}It was a mistake. I love you. Let me explain. Spike means nothing to me. I wasn't thinking straight. I never meant to hurt you. I hate that you're mad at me.{] But it was useless, all useless, because she just couldn't get her mouth to work right, to speak those magical words that would stop Xander from feeling so bad, whatever those words were.
She just didn't have the words.
Xander waited while she desperately collected her thoughts, all the while feeling painfully betrayed. He had thought that the days where he couldn't trust her judgment were over. He had believed that for better or for worse she would always do the right thing. But he should have known better. Deep down, he knew long before Spike had shattered his wall of denial. The pain. The constant unending pain that became as part of Buffy's reality as breathing just began to get to her. She had begun to lose hope, the one thing that she had seemingly had an endless supply of flittered away like the falling dust of a vampire on a windy night.
For a moment his expression softened, just for a moment, one quick moment, one that Buffy was able to catch. Just as soon as it was there, however, it was swallowed in his grief once more.
That was it. She had to say something now.
"I'm sorry."
Somehow of all the things that Buffy could have said Xander would have never expected that. She was Buffy. She was sorry for nothing. Her life was hers to live and while she would feel tremendous regret and self-loathing she never really uttered those words and meant them, like she did now. No doubt about it, she was serious. [}But what does that mean?{]
Xander's pause was unnerving her. "Do you hate me?" she asked at length.
He shook his head. "I'm just disappointed."
That hurt, but the fact that he said he didn't hate her and seemed to mean it warmed her a little. She nodded to show she understood.
"Well… this is certainly awkward," he said while shifting his weight to his other foot.
"Yeah."
"Why?"
Buffy's gaze drifted to the floor. "Why did I kiss Spike, you mean?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know."
Xander waited a moment for her to continue, but when she didn't he asked, "Is that it?"
"Pretty much. I don't know what you'd like me to say."
"The truth'd be nice."
She looked him in the eyes, her frown evidence to the pain she was feeling. It broke Xander up inside. "Oh, in that case… 'I don't know' is the truth." She paused as she walked over to a chair and sat down. "I was just… surprised, I guess. I mean, he didn't say a thing to Glory to save his own hide, despite what we all thought. Even you were sympathetic to him that day." Buffy paused and waited for Xander to nod in agreement. He did. She also noticed that he remained standing with his jacket still in his hands. She wished she knew what that meant. "Anyways," she continued, "I was touched and I kissed him. It wasn't anything spectacular or loaded with deep desire, it was a thank you."
"A thank you?"
"Yep."
"That's all?"
"Uh-huh."
"A thank you?"
"I think we covered this," she said with a little humor in her voice.
Xander chuckled uneasily, desperate for anything to relieve the leftover tension in the shop. Buffy smiled a little also. "Buffy, I… don't know what to say, here. This is just a lot to deal with, y'know."
"I understand," she said almost to herself. "Xander…" she said nervously. She took a breath to calm herself before she could continue. "Xander would you… No, let me start over. Xander when was the last time you and me had a heartfelt talk?"
"You mean excluding the times we were at each other's throats? A couple days ago; although, it was mostly me blubbering about Anya."
"I remember," she said sweetly. "I have to go out and nail some Nike demon that's been cruising around Sunnydale enchanting the locals. What do you say we go, we slay and then we have some pizza and… talk."
"Okay."
"Okay?"
"Is there an echo in here? Yeah. Pizza and soul-searching with the Buffster after slayage. I got it"
Buffy smiled. "Great."
His features, once again, portrayed seriousness and sincerity as he said, "But don't think this conversation's over. We're going to be coming back to it. Something's been wrong, Buffy… ever since Riley left you've been teetering on the edge of something dark and lonely. Add your mom's death, Glory, Dawn, Spike, and… your death," he hesitated, "Things just haven't been right lately. You haven't been yourself and you were, are, vulnerable."
Buffy's smile faltered. "I wouldn't have thrown myself at Spike because I was hurting."
Xander's grim look remained as he nodded but he said nothing of what he really thought. [}I just don't know about that, anymore.{]
"We'll sort this out, Xand," Buffy stated with confidence.
"I think so too… But it's not gonna be easy."
"No it won't. Few things in my life are," she said with a sad smile.
Xander gave Buffy a genuine smile. She smiled back. Then, suddenly remembering something, Xander's face contorted in curiosity. "Uhh, one more question though."
"Shoot."
"Nike Demon?"
~~~~~~***~~~~~~
There are certain times in a person's life when it becomes necessary to make peace with the injustice of the world. When the dull ache of tragedy has to stand aside and allow acceptance and, with the realization of this epiphany, to grow as an individual. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people. It is a lesson that many outright refuse to accept and in doing so they lose sight of the good in life.
Tragedy and injustice suck, to put it mildly, but to stop living is an insult to those who have been lost.
Never let it be said that Dawn Summers was a quitter.
Somewhere in the darker, unhappy recesses of her frustrated, teenage mind she had contemplated the idea that she didn't belong in the world. Everyone has these moments of weakness, they are a part of growing up. Unfortunately, she discovered that, in a way, she truly didn't belong. She had been forged as a hiding place of some ancient power that could open the gateways between dimensions: the Key. A dangerous tool if it could be called that. Its power was more akin to a weapon of mass destruction then a "mystical garage door opener" as Bry had put it.
In her mind, she had to be something truly evil for so many to call for her destruction. She was created and people died. A cause and effect situation. The cause was her existence and the effect was the deaths of uncounted amounts.
That was traumatic, and a normal person might have gone insane with that much blood on their conscience, but it could barely compare with the sudden lose of her mother.
HER mother.
That idea in and of itself caused her pain. Was she really her mother? She quite literally came from nowhere, so what was it that made Joyce her mother and not just Buffy's? That was a difficult question that still brings her pain every now and then.
And then her sister died.
Once again the same doubts that had plagued her when she lost her mother resurfaced in a most brutal fashion. This wonderful person, with friends and complexities, was lost to the world to save her. Her. Who was she in the grand scheme of things? Dawn couldn't even answer that question for herself and yet Buffy had sacrificed her life for her.
Life after that became an exercise in simple survival. Doing just enough not to die. Simply existing as opposed to actually living. She might have stayed in that pattern if not for the appearance of a brown haired teen with his own personal tragedy. Bry had lost his older brother.
Dawn could relate to that.
Willow and Tara found him while on a patrol of the Bronze. By the time they got there his brother had already been drained dead, there was only one thing left to do upon that realization. A quick levitation spell involving a stake and Bry had been saved. According to the Witchy Duo, he was in shock and repeated his brother's name over and over again, seemingly unable to comprehend what happened.
Dawn was there when he came in that night. His eyes wide-open in shock, nearly catatonic. After they had sat him down he said one word:
"Vampire."
A simple flat statement and anywhere else it would have been dismissed immediately. There was a hesitation in the voices of Willow and Tara as they tried to pull together a cover story. One he sensed. Somehow he had known the truth in his heart, even as the two witches tried to deny as they always did whenever a local stumbled upon their world. When they tried to invent some story about a mugging gone bad and them chasing the culprit away with pepper spray, he jumped in the air throwing the chairs around and unleashing his own pain unto the furniture and glass cases. He demanded in no uncertain terms the truth. Something evil had killed his brother and he wanted a confirmation of what it was.
Recognizing the pain of grief and helplessness, Dawn told him the truth. The sound of her voice had shocked Willow and Tara because she had been so quiet since they had arrived at the shop that they hadn't realized she was there.
Truthfully, she had been quiet a lot.
She told him about everything: about vampires, demons, the Hell Mouth. During that explanation he remained quiet, using some unknown strength to keep him together, as he sat through it all. Only once she was finished did he say anything.
He said, "And now Danny's gone."
It was so quiet, almost a whisper, but the familiar pain, misery and guilt were there in his voice. Then he started to cry, softly and hesitantly, as if he was holding them back because to admit he was grieving would be to admit that his brother was truly gone. Dawn walked over to him, held him and began her very own flood of tears.
Two total strangers mourning together the loss of their respective siblings.
That was how Dawn Marie Summers met Brian Anthony Miller.
A week later, he returned to the Magic Box announcing his intentions to help out in any way he could. Everyone was dead set against that idea, everyone accept for Dawn. She knew that Bry was searching for peace and a purpose and she wanted the rest of the Scooby Gang to help him achieve it. Besides, she knew that no matter what they told him he would just find a way to help anyway, and without some guidance he would more then likely end up doing something stupid and get killed.
During the rest of that summer they bonded. She told him everything, feeling completely safe in doing so.
When she cried about how she wasn't real, Bry told her that was crap. The past didn't matter because there was nothing she could do to change it. The only thing that mattered was that she was real now.
When she collapsed into herself about the guilt of causing the death of her sister, Bry reminded her that Buffy loved her and if she had been in her place Dawn would have done the same thing. Her sacrifice was about life, and Dawn owed it to her sister to make it a good one.
When she confessed that she had been stealing things, Bry told her that sometimes everyone acts a little crazy but asked her what would her family think about her doing these things. She, of course, stopped.
She began to move on, and so did he. Together they faced the rigors of everyday life.
Then Buffy came back.
After life began to return to normal… well, normal for them, Dawn began to rethink her relationship with Bry. She wanted more; apparently, he didn't.
As she had accepted the other things in her life she could accept that.
Just as in that old prayer: "Lord give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
At fifteen she was already a more mature and level-headed woman then your average twenty-something.
Joyce would have been damn proud.
Joyce also would have wanted her to be happy.
Dawn smiled. She wasn't sure what exactly it was going to take to be happy, but she was no longer afraid of the prospect. She no longer had those intense guilt trips whenever she dared to think of being happy. Her whole life laid ahead of her. Dating. Marriage. Family. A home. She wanted it all, but she'd have to take baby steps. First things first. Dawn, would have to get a boyfriend.
Enter Kevin.
Kevin was a guy who she had known about since she was in the fifth grade, but he wasn't friends with the type of people she hung out with. He was unreachable, unattainable, completely out of her league. He was also gorgeous, a factor not lost on Dawn as she had toted a huge crush for him during the fifth grade and into the sixth. Of course, it didn't quite rival her crush on Xander but few things did.
Dawn chuckled. She still thought Xander was cute, but… Well, she wasn't sure. She just remembered being real happy for him when he announced his upcoming marriage to Anya. Now Xander was just getting over a major hill of depression that was the sudden betrayal of Anya's leaving, and as much as Dawn wanted to hate her, there was a piece of her that missed that wacky ex-demon's view of the world, which was surprising to say the least.
Life was strange that way. Sometimes you just didn't know what you're true feelings were until they smacked you in the face demanding your attention.
Dawn's reflection was interrupted by the chirp of the telephone. She put down her pencil, stood up and picked it up.
"Hello?"
"Hey Dawn, is that you?"
"Uh, yeah. Who's this?"
"It's Kevin."
Her smile was instantaneous. "Hey. Sorry, but I didn't recognize your phone voice."
"My phone voice?"
"Uh-huh. Everyone sounds different on the telephone, they're phone voice, and since I've never heard you on the phone before I didn't recognize yours. An easy mistake to make really. It's good that I've now heard it so that I can imprint it for later phone calls. You know… Should there be any." [}Dawnie,{] her inner voice told her condescendingly. [}Babble no good when talking to cool boy.{]
Kevin didn't seem to notice or mind her loss of vocal brevity. "So, you wouldn't mind me calling again?"
Dawn barked in surprise. "Me mind? What are you kidding me?" She groaned mentally, wishing she had the sense of mind to edit what she wanted to say before she actually said it. [}Damn Anya/Xander relationship being my one blue print for stability in a heterosexual relationship.{] Kevin merely laughed softly at her reaction. [}He even laughs cool.{]
"You really shouldn't be surprised that I like you. You're a knockout. And you're not a fake like some other girls I've dated." Dawn was smiling and mentally sticking her tongue out at all the spoiled girls she grew up with. Oh, yes… her day had come.
"That's really sweet, Kev."
"Kev? Listen, you should know that I really kinda hate it when people call me that."
His tone wasn't angry or even condescending; truthfully it was very understanding. It still made Dawn wince, though. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"It's okay. I just hate it when people shorten my name. It's one of those pet peeves of mine."
[}Pet peeves? Who the hell says that?… You're new, almost-kinda boyfriend, that's who? So deal with it.{] "Is there any other thing that bugs you that I should be aware of?" she asked innocently.
"No. Just that, so far. What about you? Do you have any little things that annoy you?"
Dawn thought about it for a moment. "No. Not really. I'm pretty easygoing I think."
"I like a woman who can just let the tide take her."
"Yeah, that's me, Miss Go-with-the-flow."
~~~~~~***~~~~~~
"Brian!"
"Coming, Mom."
Bry stood up and left the computer. He had been burning a new CD for himself. It was going to be filled with a lot of sad songs he had in his CD collection along with a few he had downloaded off the Internet. It was going to be his very own "Music of Pain" CD. As much as he trusted Xander's advice and, well, Xander in general, he refused to give into any country music depression-fests. If there was going to be a depression-fest it was going to be to music he actually enjoyed listening to.
He probably should have created this CD long ago but he was so wrapped up in Xander's enthusiasm that he hadn't allowed himself any room for failure. He had been wondering if maybe the Xandman was living vicariously through his, hopefully, budding relationship with Dawn. If so, then it wasn't really all that healthy and he should tell him so... [}Maybe when Dawn shoots me down permanently. I'll need something to vent on in that case.{] He was a bit more realistic now, or rather pessimistic. [}Dawn has some smart, sweet, sensitive, Prince Charming wannabe after her, why would she want some moron like me?{]
Bry had been doing his best to think positive, but the fact of the matter is telling someone how you feel is nerve racking under the best conditions. After crashing and burning once, it becomes even more so.
He made his way downstairs and approached the living room looking for his mom. He found her on the couch looking at an old photo album and frowned immediately. Since they had lost Danny he would occasionally catch her going through his brother's baby pictures; although, for the past few weeks she had been better. Which was the reason for his being upset. She was slowly torturing herself and Danny simply wouldn't have wanted this.
"Mom?"
Her head lifted up from staring at the album slowly, her eyes rimmed with tears despite the small smile on her face. "Hey Brian," she said, her voice cracking a little with her tears, "Can you come here for a second and give me a hug?" Bry walked over to her, stooped down to her level, and did just that. Before everything had happened with his brother, he hadn't been much for hugs. They tended to make him uncomfortable. Now, though, he found himself in need of giving and receiving support through physical contact. What was once uncomfortable he now did without hesitation.
You never really know if the next embrace you give someone you love will be the last.
"You do know what tomorrow is right, honey?" she asked him a few moments into their tender hug. Bry broke from their embrace just enough to give her a small "look." "Of course. Silly question. Have you thought about what you want to do?"
Bry nodded. "Yeah. I'm gonna keep alive an old tradition… and, hopefully, start a new one."
His mom smiled. "And would this tradition have anything to do with a certain cute brown-haired girl who's been in and out of here a lot lately?"
Bry paled. "Awwww, man. Am I that obvious?"
"Only to those with eyesight, Honey. I'm not quite that old yet. So when is she coming over?"
"Tomorrow afternoon."
"Would you… like some privacy?"
Bry blinked. Twice. Hard. "What have you done with my mother?" She laughed while giving him a mock scolding look.
"I'm serious, Brian."
"Well, that would be kinda nice… but, considering what tomorrow is, you shouldn't have to. I mean, you probably wanna spend some time with me and do some family stuff, which I completely understand, you know, and-"
"Brian," she said softly.
"am completely onboard for, if you want to. Tomorrow is very important, and I wouldn't want to…" Bry was interrupted by her mother hugging him again. He shut up and clutched her tightly, feeling a little bit like a five year old again.
"Does she make you happy?"
"Yes."
"Then you and I can spend time together in the morning. Besides, I've been meaning to visit your Uncle Tony." Bry's smile was instantaneous.
"Thanks Mom. You're the coolest mom I've ever had."
"Uhh, thank you?"
"You're welcome," he said smugly.
"You're never to old for a spanking, Brian."
"You never spanked me."
"I can start."
They laughed. Bry couldn't remember the last time they had spoken like this. He missed this almost as much as he missed Danny.
"I love you, Brian. And I'm very proud of you."
"Well of course, how could you not? I'm a loveable son-of-a-gun… And I love you, too. I know I don't say it enough, but I do."
His mom smiled radiantly. For a long time after losing Danny she was hard to reach, but now, things were looking up in a big way. "Are you scared about tomorrow?" she asked at length.
"Terrified, but in a good way… That didn't make much sense, huh?"
"It makes plenty sense."
"Oh good. I'd hate to think I was going insane."
******To*Be*Continued******
I'm sorry that this chapter was mostly filler, but I really need it as a character building thing for later on. If anyone has noticed the slight change of tone it's because I've been having a complete review of my world philosophy since the tragedy that happened on September 11th. My writing, being the window to my soul that it is, has come to reflect that. But not to worry, the next chapter will be back to it's usual funny, light, easy to read self.
I hope.
Aw, who am I kidding? These dang fics tend to write themselves anyway. It's not like I have any control here.
Till next time, kids.
Ray Rivera, aka Wicked Raygun
