Becoming Me:
Lilies
by Evangeline
Dawn snapped the cover of her journal shut. She had let Spike read sections of her diary before, the creative writing parts. He had suggested that she try to get them published, help her sister out with the money. Maybe she should do that.
After Riley's visit, Buffy was left, once again, unemployed. Guess the Doublemeat Palace wasn't too fond of their employees leaving in the middle of a shift with old boyfriends that dressed like the Men in Black. Dawn sighed. Things weren't looking too good. She barely saw Buffy as it already was, what with the Slayage and her job.
She glanced at the sketch Spike had drawn of her a couple days earlier. Buffy had been vehement about her visiting. Why was she acting like this? It had seemed like they were being friendly to each other when Buffy first got back. Why the sudden 360? Glancing back at the journal, she picked it up and headed to the computer.
***
Buffy sat at the dining room table across from Willow, head in hands. A pile of unpaid bills sat in front of her. "I don't know what I'm going to do."
Willow at her friend sympathetically. "Buff, I wish I could help more with the bills and stuff, but I'm already on a tight budget as it is with college expenses and stuff." Buffy had been flooded with expenses for her own funeral and the broken pipe system. "I think it'd be best if I moved back to the dorms. I could go home for a while; it'd lighten up your expenses a bit."
Buffy looked up at her red-headed friend through her lashes. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah! It'd be no problem. Resolve face." She flashed Buffy her serious expression. "It looks like you've got enough problems without me. I can start packing tonight." Willow smiled in reassurance.
"Thank you, Will. You don't know how much I appreciate this." She looked back down at the bills. "But first things first. Time to go job scouting." She reached for the Classified section.
"Buff, er ... you might want to stay away from the food business. That didn't really work anyway."
"That's for sure." She began skimming the ads.
"And you might want to get a job during school hours ... you know, so you can spend more time with Dawn ..." Willow bit her bottom lip nervously.
Buffy looked up and put her paper down. "You're right. I really do need to spend more time with her. Things have just been so busy lately."
"We all know that, and we don't blame you. We're all just trying to do our own part." She smiled in support.
"So ... any job ideas?"
***
Dawn sat in the Magic Shop. It had been a couple weeks since she had sent off her poem to some contest she found online. She had told Spike, and he asked to see her short little vignette, but she had refused. She didn't want to jinx it.
It was the first day of Buffy's new job. Willow found her a job opening at the post office, and the best part about it all was that Buffy would get to spend more time with her.
As if to answer her thoughts, the bell above the door jingled and Buffy came walking through. She was wearing her own clothes, much to her content, and carrying a black, one-strapped backpack.
"Hey Dawn." She looked up at Anya. "Thanks for watching her." Anya smiled in return.
"How's it going, Buff?" Xander asked in greeting.
Buff inhaled deeply and smiled. "Great, I actually like this job a whole lot better than my last one."
"That's great to hear."
"Yeah it is. I mean, I have to deal with people all the same, but they don't bother to stay in there long. And the pay isn't half bad. I start off at $8.50, and I only work five days a week. I guess it's the whole overpaid government workers thing." She let out a chuckle. "That and the benefits. Plus, the computer system isn't hard at all. I was worried about crashing the system." She grinned. "And I don't have to wear an awful uniform."
Dawn quickly packed up her stuff. "That's really great, Buffy." The two started to leave, throwing a couple goodbyes over their shoulders. "Willow said to call her. She wants to hear about your first day on the job."
Buffy nodded. "How was school?"
Dawn shrugged. "The usual, trying not to fall asleep in math class and checking out the hot guys at lunch with Janice."
"That good, huh?" Buffy grinned.
"Much better than usual. Oh! And guess what?" Dawn jumped next her sister in excitement.
"I'm drawing a blank. I give up."
"That one guy I really like, you know, Sean? I've mentioned him lots of times before. Anyway, he asked me to the Sweetheart Dance on Friday." Her eyes immediately largened into her patented puppy dog look. "Please can I go, Buff?"
"I don't know, Dawn-"
"We'll have chaperones, lots, and I promise not to wander out in the middle of the night. Please? I won't ask you for anything else in a long time, I promise."
Buffy grinned. Her sister sounded like a five year old. "Is it formal?"
Dawn squealed and threw her arms around Buffy. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Buffy's smile widened and she hugged Dawn back. Her mood was definitely improving. "But I have to meet this guy first."
"Sure, anything."
"And you didn't answer my question." Buffy lifted an eyebrow. "Is it formal?"
"Semi." Dawn frowned. "What am I going to wear?" She shot a look at her sister. "We ... can't afford to buy me a dress, can we?"
"Maybe you can borrow something of mine, or Willow's maybe." Inside, Buffy ached. She couldn't even afford to buy her baby sister a new dress for the dance. Her mother always had the money to buy them stuff for special occasions like this.
"Sure." Dawn looked away, trying to hide her disappointment. She had some money, maybe she could ask Spike for a little more. Snorting, she berated herself. Buffy would definitely not go for that idea.
"Dawn, you know we've been tight with our money lately, and the bills need to be paid," she tried to explain to her sister, still knowing that nothing she said could make this situation right.
"I know, Buffy. Don't worry about it." She kept walking.
***
Dawn grabbed the mail out of the box on her way in. She quickly sorted through them, handing the bills to Buffy who accepted them with a sigh. At the very last letter, she let out a squeal overshadowing her previous sadness.
"What is it?" Buffy asked curiously.
"Just something I've been waiting for. I'll tell you about it after I open it." With that, she went bounding up the stairs.
***
Buffy sat at the table once again. It felt nice to finally be able to pay off some of her debt, but even with her job, things didn't look like they would be improving anytime soon.
Pushing her chair back, she headed for the back porch, slipping on a coat to protect from the cold elements. Whenever she was feeling down, the porch always seemed like the best place to be. She took a seat on the steps and looked up at the stars, trying to erase the constant gnaw of worry about her situation.
If things couldn't get any better, she would be forced to sell the house. A tear made its salty way down her cheek to slip from her chin to the stairs.
A weird feeling made its way into her gut. "Spike?"
He stepped out of the shadows. Somehow he always knew when to be there. "What's wrong, luv?"
She ignored the pet name and waved him closer. He took a seat next to her. "Money."
He snorted. "What else is new?" She didn't take the joke in stride. "Sorry, pet." She shrugged. "Heard from the Lil' Bit that you got yourself another job. Heard Captain Cardboard lost you your slave job at the Doublemeat Palace."
"Riley didn't lose me my job. I left because I wanted to." She looked over at him. He was focusing on the stars. "I got a job at the post office. It's not bad. The pay is good and it doesn't leave a greasy smell in my hair."
He chuckled. "Yeah, was meaning to tell you about that." An awkward silence followed.
"Sorry," she whispered.
He shrugged, knowing exactly what she was referring to. "It's my fault. I set myself up."
"No. I told you this the other night already, but I want you to know that I'm really sorry about what happened." She bit her lip and avoided looking him in the eyes.
Spike stared at her face, trying to decipher her meaning. When she didn't look back at him, he snorted. "Yeah, guess you can get back to living, now that you don't have anything holding you down."
"Spike, don't fight with me, please. I don't want to fight with you anymore."
"Fine." He got up. "I guess the only way to achieve that is if I g-"
Dawn burst through the backdoor. "They like it!" Her grin stretched from ear to ear.
"Your vignette?" Spike asked, smiling happily for her.
"Yep! They wanna put it in a collection." She automatically hugged him and placed a kiss on his cheek. "Thank you. I probably would never have done this if you hadn't suggested."
Buffy frowned. "What's going on? Is this the letter? And why does Spike know and not me?"
Dawn laughed nervoulsy. "Yeah, it's the letter. I entered something I wrote in a contest. The people who are holding it are going to make a book of the accepted entries. You get $750 if your poem is selected." She pulled out a check and handed it to Buffy. "I'm thinking about entering other stuff now." She smiled. "And Spike knows because he's the one that suggested I enter the contest."
Buffy looked over at Spike. "You did?" He shrugged. "That's great, Dawnie! I guess you can get that dress now."
Dawn smiled. "You can have the rest."
"Are you sure? I mean, you earned it," Buffy pointed out.
"That's ok. I don't need it." She smiled in reassurance.
"Well, Nibblet, can I hear it now? Now that we can't jinx it," Spike said playfully.
"Sure. I brought my journal down here to read to you two." She lifted up the small book, and settled down on the railing while the two set back down on the steps.
"It's titled "Lilies."" Taking a deep breath, she began. "You know, sometimes, when I look out of the window, my face on my hands, my elbows on my thighs, I watch the leaves of the huge cherry tree across the street move in the wind, shades of green and red cherries ready to be picked, a fence of high hip trees around the garden. As my eyes fill with tears and they slowly run down my cheek and leave a salty taste on my lips before they drop to the ground where they break and leave little scattered lakes behind, my soul feels the light summer breeze that also sways the cherry tree, gently. The orange lilies, the ones that grow in the garden for the first time and the ones my mom is so proud of, they all seem new and unnatural, displaced, the beauty they hold not real, obvious, compared to the old cherry tree that has greeted me day by day on my way to school, on my way home. Maybe you are like the lilies in our garden. You hold beauty that shows, beauty that is obvious. Yet, displaced, placed where you don't belong, you can never be the huge cherry tree across the street that possesses more than beauty, something you can touch without being afraid its beauty might be damaged, broken like a a mirror that no longer displays the desired picture.
"The cherry tree, still swaying its leaves in the wind, seems so much more beautiful. And still, I know how the lilies feel."
***
"Lilies" was written by Chrissi. Thank you for providing inspiration. Please R&R.
*All standard disclaimers apply.
