Warning: Lots of silliness, drinking (legal age down to 18 haha), and…yeah.
Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is copyright Sotsu Agency and whatnot. Not mine.
Written: April 3, 2002 - May 6, 2002
Heero's Fatal Mistake
By Seraphina DW
Duo woke up groggily to Heero's shouting, "What the HELL is this???"
"What? Hilde's a gay porno fiend?" Duo asked, suddenly troubled at what he just said. "Wait, what? Where'd that come from?" Scratching his tangled mop of hair, he walked into the next room and realized he wasn't in his apartment.
"Hey…where'm I?"
"Duo, this is your apartment," Heero said icily.
"Huh? Oh yeah. Haha. I must be deluson -- holy shit, Heero!" Duo exclaimed, staring at his friend. Heero's hair was rumpled up and he was wearing a beater with only boxer shorts on.
Clasping his hands together, Duo knelt and whimpered, "Uh, hi God... I didn't... you know... …did I? Oh shit! I did…I did, didn't I? What the…What the shit? H-how? How did this happen? I... I don't understand.... ...fuck! I'm straight! I'm straight - straight guys don't do screwed up crap like this!
"Oh God, what the hell happened? My ass doesn't hurt... that's a good sign... but I don't know that I didn't... ...I can't think about that. I've known Heero for so long - what the fuck? What the fucking... fuck?! I've known him forever…Well, not known him known him…not in the biblical sense... but now, I have no goddamn (sorry) clue... oh God help me! I can't remember a thing!
"...What's this taste in my mouth...? ... Oh this had better not be... oh FUCK! It is! SON OF A BITCH! SHIT! How the hell did this happen? So, uh, God, if you're there... maybe you could just help me out... I'm not sure how exactly, but I'm thinking that if you're good at raising from the dead and healing the maimed and all, you might be able to do something about this... Although sodomy would have to be a fucking sin, dammit…I can't just pass this off as experimenting, can I? Girls experiment…'course it's usually nothing below the belt…but I mean, if this is only a one time thing…what if it isn't? What if I've done this before?! With other guys? Could I be gay when I'm drunk? What the hell is that? I've never heard of that before…most people get depressed or violent…maybe I get gay...dammit! Why do I have to be the only gay drunk!??"
'Heero would have to be a gay drunk too. That bastard! That fucking closet homo! I'm gonna kill him! Could you kill him for me, God? …How am I ever gonna explain this taste in my mouth to Hilde?!' Duo thought silently, nearly to tears.
"Duo, shut the fuck up," Heero punched him in the face. "You were too drunk to even stand last night. And that taste is liquor you dumbass! Anyway, that's not what I'm worried about."
Duo sat up, rubbing his head, "I don't like guys, I don't like guys…huh?"
"Duo, look at this!" Heero shoved numerous tabloids at Duo's face. On each front cover was a large picture of him…in Heero's arms??
"AHHHHH!! Don't LIE to me Heero!" Duo cried, "What'm I going to say to Hilde? How did this happen? Oh, God, I didn't want to have sex with you!"
"Duo, SHUT UP! You DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH ME!"
"I didn't?"
"No, you did!" Heero shouted angrily.
Duo's eyes enlarged, "What?? You just said I did? Oh God oh God!"
"I meant you didn't! Dammit, stop confusing me! We did NOT have sex and I don't know HOW that picture ever got to the papers."
"Hmm…" Duo flipped the page and skimmed down the article. "Oh, man! Why didn'tcha read this, hmm? This is all YOUR fault people think I'm having an affair with you, you dirty little man!"
"Dirty little man?" Heero asked. "I'm taller than you, you idiot."
"I'm not an idiot!" Duo protested, shoving the article in Heero's face. "Only an idiot would let something like this happen."
Heero grabbed the crinkled papers from his hand and skimmed down the article…
Heero, beloved, I hope this teaches you a good lesson. I know where you sleep…and I know where you hide your gun.
-Love and Kisses-
Anon
Heero's face paled, "No one knows where I hide my gun."
Duo asked sneakily, "So…why the pale face? Hiding something, hmm?"
Heero stared at him blankly, "No one knows where I hide my gun."
Duo eyed him wearily, "In those spandex shorts of yours, the only place you CAN hide your gun is…" he cringed, "well, where your WEE WEE IS!" He burst out laughing, "How you don't look like you have a hard on 24/7 I do NOT know and do not WANT to know!"
Heero punched Duo in the head again and buried his face in his palms. "How did this person know?" Then with a killer look in his eye, "I'll eliminate all obstacles."
"Oh, is that true, Heero?" asked a female voice from the doorway where two figures stood, their arms crossed in front of their torsos. "Then, you'll have to get through me first."
Heero paled an even whiter shade. "Relena…how, why?"
"Heero," Relena said dramatically, waltzing into the room to be her beloved's savior. She put the back of her hand to her forehead in a mock faint and said, "If only you knew what pain you have caused."
"What have I done?" Heero knelt before her.
"Something that apparently deserves you to get…" she picked up a newspaper and faced the cover towards him, "this."
"BUT WHY?" Duo wailed. "What'd I do Hilde? Is this all because you want to see me get down and dirty with another guy?" Duo covered his face. "You're a man-on-man lover! How could you DO this to me?? I feel so cheated."
"Aw, Duo. I just didn't think you liked me anymore…" Hilde turned about, flustered. "I guess it was wrong, but," she looked at Relena, "it was funny as hell seeing you drunk!"
"UH HUH!" Relena piped in, laughing with Hilde. "I think even left some lipstick on Heero's lips."
Hilde grabbed a paper, "Oh my God! You did!"
The two girls howled and laughed.
"Relena, I'm going to kill you!" Heero quickly put on some pants and a shirt, then chased her out of the room with Hilde and Duo in pursuit.
When they reached the main entrance, a flood of media folks surrounded them with a blur of questions.
"Heero, are you gay?…Did being a Gundam pilot pressure you…Who is this stalker of yours?…Did you have an intimate affair with-"
Heero quickly grabbed Relena, forgot about hating her, and planted a kiss onto her lips. "I'M HETEROSEXUAL AND SHE IS MY GIRLFRIEND!" He shouted and quickly pushed his way through the crowds and into a waiting cab.
Duo crashed into the cameramen and yelled him, "Watch where you're going man! I can't believe you people! I'm not gay, I'm not gay! WHY ME??" He screamed in anguish.
"Sir, sir, did you have-"
"I hate Heero, ARGH!" He smashed the cameras with a vengeance and yelled, "If there is a God, get rid of these damn reporters! I promise it'll be the last-"
All of a sudden, the sky clouded up and in a flash, the reporters were burnt to a black crisp.
Staring at Hilde, he quickly asked, "Oh, could you make me hetero again?"
And so it was to be. And everyone died.
The End.
AN: Ridiculous? Yes. Unlike anything I've ever written? Yes. Wondering what picture I'm talking about? It's the infamous one with Duo being held by Heero, and I honestly think Heero does have lipstick on! It's so improbably that they'd have a relationship b/c nothing in the series hints at it, but fanfiction IS fanfiction. So, this is my version. I hope you enjoyed it. R&R! Thanks.
