SEGA GENESIS
The History of Creation
1 In the beginning Clod created pizza & anime.
2 Eventually He got around to realizing that He should probably make a place to put it, and so He created heavn & earth. Clod liked circles, as is seen in the creation of pizza, and thus He made the earth round. Clod, upon attempting to see how the earth turned out, figured it might be a good idea to make light, too.
3 The Spirit of Clod hovered over the waters. Clod said, "Let there be light"; and nothing happened. Clod thought to Himself that it was indeed much harder being omnipotent than He had originally thought, and then created language. "Ich geben moua" Clod said, and suddenly there was moua. Er, light.
4 And Clod saw the light, but then said, "Y'know, I don't think light is something that can be seen... Boy, I just keep screwing up... I'd better make a mental note to create something that will believe in Me and do everything I say without question to compensate for all My stupidity." Clod then forgot what He had been talking about, and divided the light from the darkness.
5 Clod called the light The Time Before Night, and the darkness He called Sleepy Time. So the evening and the morning were the first Time Before Night.
6 Then Clod said, "Let there be a furm... A firma... A firmamigament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the big wet blue things!"
Crazy Prophet Lady: *interrupts the story to go look up what a firmament is*
7 Thus Clod made the firmamigament, and divided the waters which were under the firmamigament from the waters which were above the firmamigament; and it was so.
8 Clod called the firmamigament Heaven. So the evening and the morning were the second Time Before Night.
9 Then Clod said, "I wonder why the person sitting there staring at Me while writing things keeps beginning every line with 'then' or 'and'? Aw, oh well, let's make some land!"; and it was so.
10 And Clod... Er... Uh... Then Clod... Um... Uh... Upon doing this, Clod... Yeah, that works. *ahem*. Upon doing this, Clod called the dry land Earth, and the big blue wet things He called Seas.
11 Then Clod said, "YOU! Stop putting numbers in front of everything"; and it was so. THEN, Clod said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb that rhymes with ass and yields seed, and the fruit tree that yields fruit, whose seed is in itself according to its kind, whose seed is in itself, on the earth. That's one hell of a mouthfull. IDEA! I'll create hell, soon, too! I'm so smart..."; and it was so.
And the earth brought forth the aforementioned things that Clod was too lazy to list more than once.
So the evening and the morning were the third Time Before Night.
Clod said, "I've been doing FAR too much talking. Anyways, let there be lights in the firmamigament of the heavens to divide the Time Before Night and the Sleepy Time; and let them be for signs and seasons, and for Time Before Nights and Big Collection Of Time Before Nights.;
"and let them be for lights in the firmamigament of the heavens to give light on the earth"; and, golly gee, GUESS WHAT! It was so.
Then Clod made two great lights; the greater light to rule the Time Before Night, and the lesser light to rule the Sleepy Time. He made the twinkly things also.
Clod accidentally spilled them in the firmamigament of the heavens, sending light flying everywhere, and thus the earth could not help but be lit
and the twinkly things and great lights to rule over the Time Before Night and over the Sleepy Time, and to divide the light from the darkness. And Clod saw that it was possibly not such a bad thing.
So the evening and the morning were the fourth Time Before Night.
Then Clod said, "Let the waters abund with an aboundance... No, let them aban with an aboond... No... GUNDAMMIT! Let things live in the waters, and let other flappy things fly above the earth across the firmamigament I have declared to be the heavens."
So Clod created scaley icky things and every living thing that moves, with which the waters abun... Aboon... Ab... Uh... With which the waters were very much full of, according to their kind, and every flappy thing according to its kind. And Clod saw that it was good.
Crazy Prophet Lady: Clod! Clod, you moron, quit using those names! Call the light 'day', the darkness 'night', the supposed scaley icky things 'fish', and for Chr- Wait... Christ is in a different religion... *ahem* And for Duo's sake, call the damn birds 'BIRDS!'
And Clod blessed them when they sneezed, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." But the fish and birds got annoyed with hearing that every time anyone sneezed, so they made him shorten it to "Clod bless you." The fish and birds saw that it was good.
So the evening and the morning were the fifth Time Be- Er... *glances fearfully at the Crazy Prophet Lady* The fifth day.
Then Clod said, "Let the earth bring forth lots of thingies like cows and creepy things and beasts of the earth, each according to its kind"; and it might have been so, but Clod didn't say things in a manner that was confusing enough, and so he had to say it again, more confusing this time, before it finally was so.
And Clod made all the thingies of the earth according to its kind. And the dinosaurs, who were wondering where the hell they came into play, saw that it wasn't good, and demanded that Clod give them a role in this. Clod became very cross with the dinosaurs, and flung them millions of years into the past. Clod saw that it was good.
Then Clod said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have Dominoes and fish from the sea, and birds from the forest, and hamburgers from McDonalds, and have Dominoes o- Oops... That's supposed to be dominion, not Dominoes... *ahem* And let them have dominion over the earth and all the crepe things on the earth."
So Clod created man in His own image, and made them believe in him no matter what. He created male, and male.
Then Clod blessed them, and Clod said to them, "Oops." Clod skipped the part that was supposed to come next when he suddenly realized that both of them had penises. "Is that how that's supposed to happen?" Clod wondered. "Well... I shall create bigots, and ask them."
Clod created bigots and asked for their opinion. However, Clod soon grew tired of their yapping and cursed and damned them all, then proclaimed that two men in a relationship together was good.
So, the morning and the evening were the sixth day.
Thus the heavens and the earth, and all the host of them, were finished.
And on the seventh day, Clod was tired of doing things, and thus created football. Clod created major furniture stores, purchased a couch, and set it in His living room. Clod knew that He would be forced to create a football stadium in His living room unless He did something quick, and thus created children.
Then the children did slave labor for Clod, and finally successfully created a wonderous new invention.
And Clod took this 'television' from the children and used it to watch football. The children were emotionally damaged, and thus their minds were affected.
And the children looked at one another, and began to like the opposite sex. Clod did not see this, and thus did not care whether or not it was good.
At this point, one of the more traumatized boys, who was called Staan, decided that Clod was too good. Staan created commercials, and Clod was furious at the interruption. Clod saw the children that had taken interest in children of the opposite sex, and saw that it was good.
Clod, however, knew that it was not completely good. Clod knew that the male children would become evil as a result of this slave labor trauma, and so to punish them for their future wrongdoings, placed their thinking organs just below their waists. And Clod saw that it was amusing as all hell.
Then Clod blessed this seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He had placed football.
This is the history of the heavens, the earth, when they were created, and the origin of slave labor, in the day that the LORD Clod made the earth and the heavens,
before any plant of the field was in the earth and before and herb of the field had grown. For the LORD Clod had not caused it to rain on the earth, and there was no man to till the ground;
but a mist went down upon the earth and watered the whole face of the ground, and Clod proclaimed, "Clod bless me."
And the LORD Clod formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being and said, "Did somebody just BLOW IN MY NOSE??"
Life in Clod's Garden
The LORD Clod planted a garden southnortheastward in Eatin', and there He put the man whom He had formed.
And out of the ground the LORD Clod made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food. The tree of life was also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and not so good.
Now a river went out of Eatin' to water the garden, and from there it parted and became four riverheads.
The name of the first is Pishaw; it is the one which encompasses the whole land of Lavidah, where there is gold.
And the gold of that land was supposedly good, but it is said that the root of all evil is money. And so Clod said, "Oops." Bdellium and the onyx pokemon are also there.
The name of the second river is Mignon; it is the one which encompasses the whole land of Cushion.
The name of the third river is Hikkupel; it is the one which goes towards the east of Ass-yria. The fourth river is the Euphoria, which is actually a river of moonshine.
Then the LORD Clod took the man and put him in the garden of Eatin' to tend and keep it.
And the LORD Clod said, "This reminds Me of that computer game, The Sims... Note to self; create that game sometime soon. Oh, by the way, man... You can eat the stuff from any of these trees you want."
Then the man began to eat leaves. Clod saw this, knew that it was not good, and told him, "I meant the fruit, dumbass!"
And Clod remembered what He had done to the men who liked women as a result of Staan's commercials, and knew that He had chosen the wrong man to tend His garden.
So Clod replaced that man with a smarter man with his thinking organ in his head, and saw that this was good.
"Now, thou shalt not eateth from Myeth treeeth ofeth knowledgeeth of goodeth and evileth, for thou shalt surely dieeth on the day thou eateth frometh iteth." Clod said.
And the LORD Clod said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."
Out of the ground the LORD Clod formed every beast and bird he could think of, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And, upon seeing one particular creature, Adam shouted out, "DUCKY!" And it was so.
Adam gave names to all of the creatures, and he and Clod had several arguements over many of them, but eventually the names were decided. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.
And the LORD Clod drugged Adam and waited until he fell asleep, and then stole one of Adam's ribs. Of course, Clod graduated first in his surgeoning class, so he took great care in closing up the flesh.
Then the rib which the LORD Clod had taken from man He made into a man, and He brought him to the man.
And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; I shall not beat you to a pulp after all for stealing my rib. He shall be called Man Two, because he was taken out of Man One."
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his rib, and they shall become one barbecue. Or so I thought. But, Clod insisted that instead man should leave his mother and father and be joined to Man Two, and they shall become one flesh.
And they were both naked, and Clod, being a pervert, saw that this was good. Even when Clod uploaded the pictures that He took onto His computer, they were not ashamed.
The Temptation and Fall of Man and Man Two
Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the LORD Clod had made. And he said to the man two, "Has Clod indeed said that Dominoes shalt no longer delivereth??"
And the man two said to the serpent, "Yes!! Yes, it's true! We caneth noeth longereth enjoyeth pizza without picking it upeth firsteth!"
Then the serpent said, "Well, you know, the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil tastes just like pizza. Maybe you should try it?"
And man two was too smart to fall for this, but the serpent threatened to castrate him lest he eat the fruit, and so man two ate the fruit, and also gave some to his husband, and he ate.
Then the eyes of both of them were opened. "We've had our eyes closed all this time! What morons we've been! No wonder I thought the lightbulbs were all blown..." Man one proclaimed. Neither of them did anything about the nudity, though, they enjoyed the view.
And they heard the sound of the LORD Clod walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his husband hid themselves from the presence of the LORD Clod so that He too could enjoy their exciting new game of 'hide and go seek'.
Then the LORD Clod called to Adam and said to him, "MARCO!"
So he said, "POLO!" And then Clod knew that this had evolved far beyond simple hide and go seek. "You have eaten from the tree of knowledge of good and evil! I know you have, do not deny it, for Marco Polo is a very advanced game!"
The the man said, "The man two whom You gave to be with me, he gave me of the tree, and I ate."
And the LORD Clod said, "We shall discuss your bad grammar later. But for now... What is this you have done?" And the man two said, "The serpent threatened to castrate me, and I ate."
So the LORD Clod winced and pitied poor man two, called the serpent 'Hama', and then beat the serpent with a shovel until it slithered away with one helluva concussion.
And the LORD Clod got very pissed at man two and Adam, and yelled many confusing things at them until they gave him big puppy dog eyed looks, and left his garden.
And Adam called his husband's name Steve, because he was the moth...Er.. The fath... No... Because he was the man two of all living.
Also for Adam and Steve, the LORD Clod made sexy leather outfits.
Then the LORD Clod said, "Behold, the man has become like one of Us, to know good and evil. And now, lest he put out his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever"--
therefore the LORD Clod developed a case of alzheimers, scratched his head, and then chased Adam and Steve from his garden with a broom.
The History of Creation
1 In the beginning Clod created pizza & anime.
2 Eventually He got around to realizing that He should probably make a place to put it, and so He created heavn & earth. Clod liked circles, as is seen in the creation of pizza, and thus He made the earth round. Clod, upon attempting to see how the earth turned out, figured it might be a good idea to make light, too.
3 The Spirit of Clod hovered over the waters. Clod said, "Let there be light"; and nothing happened. Clod thought to Himself that it was indeed much harder being omnipotent than He had originally thought, and then created language. "Ich geben moua" Clod said, and suddenly there was moua. Er, light.
4 And Clod saw the light, but then said, "Y'know, I don't think light is something that can be seen... Boy, I just keep screwing up... I'd better make a mental note to create something that will believe in Me and do everything I say without question to compensate for all My stupidity." Clod then forgot what He had been talking about, and divided the light from the darkness.
5 Clod called the light The Time Before Night, and the darkness He called Sleepy Time. So the evening and the morning were the first Time Before Night.
6 Then Clod said, "Let there be a furm... A firma... A firmamigament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the big wet blue things!"
Crazy Prophet Lady: *interrupts the story to go look up what a firmament is*
7 Thus Clod made the firmamigament, and divided the waters which were under the firmamigament from the waters which were above the firmamigament; and it was so.
8 Clod called the firmamigament Heaven. So the evening and the morning were the second Time Before Night.
9 Then Clod said, "I wonder why the person sitting there staring at Me while writing things keeps beginning every line with 'then' or 'and'? Aw, oh well, let's make some land!"; and it was so.
10 And Clod... Er... Uh... Then Clod... Um... Uh... Upon doing this, Clod... Yeah, that works. *ahem*. Upon doing this, Clod called the dry land Earth, and the big blue wet things He called Seas.
11 Then Clod said, "YOU! Stop putting numbers in front of everything"; and it was so. THEN, Clod said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb that rhymes with ass and yields seed, and the fruit tree that yields fruit, whose seed is in itself according to its kind, whose seed is in itself, on the earth. That's one hell of a mouthfull. IDEA! I'll create hell, soon, too! I'm so smart..."; and it was so.
And the earth brought forth the aforementioned things that Clod was too lazy to list more than once.
So the evening and the morning were the third Time Before Night.
Clod said, "I've been doing FAR too much talking. Anyways, let there be lights in the firmamigament of the heavens to divide the Time Before Night and the Sleepy Time; and let them be for signs and seasons, and for Time Before Nights and Big Collection Of Time Before Nights.;
"and let them be for lights in the firmamigament of the heavens to give light on the earth"; and, golly gee, GUESS WHAT! It was so.
Then Clod made two great lights; the greater light to rule the Time Before Night, and the lesser light to rule the Sleepy Time. He made the twinkly things also.
Clod accidentally spilled them in the firmamigament of the heavens, sending light flying everywhere, and thus the earth could not help but be lit
and the twinkly things and great lights to rule over the Time Before Night and over the Sleepy Time, and to divide the light from the darkness. And Clod saw that it was possibly not such a bad thing.
So the evening and the morning were the fourth Time Before Night.
Then Clod said, "Let the waters abund with an aboundance... No, let them aban with an aboond... No... GUNDAMMIT! Let things live in the waters, and let other flappy things fly above the earth across the firmamigament I have declared to be the heavens."
So Clod created scaley icky things and every living thing that moves, with which the waters abun... Aboon... Ab... Uh... With which the waters were very much full of, according to their kind, and every flappy thing according to its kind. And Clod saw that it was good.
Crazy Prophet Lady: Clod! Clod, you moron, quit using those names! Call the light 'day', the darkness 'night', the supposed scaley icky things 'fish', and for Chr- Wait... Christ is in a different religion... *ahem* And for Duo's sake, call the damn birds 'BIRDS!'
And Clod blessed them when they sneezed, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." But the fish and birds got annoyed with hearing that every time anyone sneezed, so they made him shorten it to "Clod bless you." The fish and birds saw that it was good.
So the evening and the morning were the fifth Time Be- Er... *glances fearfully at the Crazy Prophet Lady* The fifth day.
Then Clod said, "Let the earth bring forth lots of thingies like cows and creepy things and beasts of the earth, each according to its kind"; and it might have been so, but Clod didn't say things in a manner that was confusing enough, and so he had to say it again, more confusing this time, before it finally was so.
And Clod made all the thingies of the earth according to its kind. And the dinosaurs, who were wondering where the hell they came into play, saw that it wasn't good, and demanded that Clod give them a role in this. Clod became very cross with the dinosaurs, and flung them millions of years into the past. Clod saw that it was good.
Then Clod said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have Dominoes and fish from the sea, and birds from the forest, and hamburgers from McDonalds, and have Dominoes o- Oops... That's supposed to be dominion, not Dominoes... *ahem* And let them have dominion over the earth and all the crepe things on the earth."
So Clod created man in His own image, and made them believe in him no matter what. He created male, and male.
Then Clod blessed them, and Clod said to them, "Oops." Clod skipped the part that was supposed to come next when he suddenly realized that both of them had penises. "Is that how that's supposed to happen?" Clod wondered. "Well... I shall create bigots, and ask them."
Clod created bigots and asked for their opinion. However, Clod soon grew tired of their yapping and cursed and damned them all, then proclaimed that two men in a relationship together was good.
So, the morning and the evening were the sixth day.
Thus the heavens and the earth, and all the host of them, were finished.
And on the seventh day, Clod was tired of doing things, and thus created football. Clod created major furniture stores, purchased a couch, and set it in His living room. Clod knew that He would be forced to create a football stadium in His living room unless He did something quick, and thus created children.
Then the children did slave labor for Clod, and finally successfully created a wonderous new invention.
And Clod took this 'television' from the children and used it to watch football. The children were emotionally damaged, and thus their minds were affected.
And the children looked at one another, and began to like the opposite sex. Clod did not see this, and thus did not care whether or not it was good.
At this point, one of the more traumatized boys, who was called Staan, decided that Clod was too good. Staan created commercials, and Clod was furious at the interruption. Clod saw the children that had taken interest in children of the opposite sex, and saw that it was good.
Clod, however, knew that it was not completely good. Clod knew that the male children would become evil as a result of this slave labor trauma, and so to punish them for their future wrongdoings, placed their thinking organs just below their waists. And Clod saw that it was amusing as all hell.
Then Clod blessed this seventh day and sanctified it, because in it He had placed football.
This is the history of the heavens, the earth, when they were created, and the origin of slave labor, in the day that the LORD Clod made the earth and the heavens,
before any plant of the field was in the earth and before and herb of the field had grown. For the LORD Clod had not caused it to rain on the earth, and there was no man to till the ground;
but a mist went down upon the earth and watered the whole face of the ground, and Clod proclaimed, "Clod bless me."
And the LORD Clod formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being and said, "Did somebody just BLOW IN MY NOSE??"
Life in Clod's Garden
The LORD Clod planted a garden southnortheastward in Eatin', and there He put the man whom He had formed.
And out of the ground the LORD Clod made every tree grow that is pleasant to the sight and good for food. The tree of life was also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and not so good.
Now a river went out of Eatin' to water the garden, and from there it parted and became four riverheads.
The name of the first is Pishaw; it is the one which encompasses the whole land of Lavidah, where there is gold.
And the gold of that land was supposedly good, but it is said that the root of all evil is money. And so Clod said, "Oops." Bdellium and the onyx pokemon are also there.
The name of the second river is Mignon; it is the one which encompasses the whole land of Cushion.
The name of the third river is Hikkupel; it is the one which goes towards the east of Ass-yria. The fourth river is the Euphoria, which is actually a river of moonshine.
Then the LORD Clod took the man and put him in the garden of Eatin' to tend and keep it.
And the LORD Clod said, "This reminds Me of that computer game, The Sims... Note to self; create that game sometime soon. Oh, by the way, man... You can eat the stuff from any of these trees you want."
Then the man began to eat leaves. Clod saw this, knew that it was not good, and told him, "I meant the fruit, dumbass!"
And Clod remembered what He had done to the men who liked women as a result of Staan's commercials, and knew that He had chosen the wrong man to tend His garden.
So Clod replaced that man with a smarter man with his thinking organ in his head, and saw that this was good.
"Now, thou shalt not eateth from Myeth treeeth ofeth knowledgeeth of goodeth and evileth, for thou shalt surely dieeth on the day thou eateth frometh iteth." Clod said.
And the LORD Clod said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him."
Out of the ground the LORD Clod formed every beast and bird he could think of, and brought them to Adam to see what he would call them. And, upon seeing one particular creature, Adam shouted out, "DUCKY!" And it was so.
Adam gave names to all of the creatures, and he and Clod had several arguements over many of them, but eventually the names were decided. But for Adam there was not found a helper comparable to him.
And the LORD Clod drugged Adam and waited until he fell asleep, and then stole one of Adam's ribs. Of course, Clod graduated first in his surgeoning class, so he took great care in closing up the flesh.
Then the rib which the LORD Clod had taken from man He made into a man, and He brought him to the man.
And Adam said: "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; I shall not beat you to a pulp after all for stealing my rib. He shall be called Man Two, because he was taken out of Man One."
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his rib, and they shall become one barbecue. Or so I thought. But, Clod insisted that instead man should leave his mother and father and be joined to Man Two, and they shall become one flesh.
And they were both naked, and Clod, being a pervert, saw that this was good. Even when Clod uploaded the pictures that He took onto His computer, they were not ashamed.
The Temptation and Fall of Man and Man Two
Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the LORD Clod had made. And he said to the man two, "Has Clod indeed said that Dominoes shalt no longer delivereth??"
And the man two said to the serpent, "Yes!! Yes, it's true! We caneth noeth longereth enjoyeth pizza without picking it upeth firsteth!"
Then the serpent said, "Well, you know, the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil tastes just like pizza. Maybe you should try it?"
And man two was too smart to fall for this, but the serpent threatened to castrate him lest he eat the fruit, and so man two ate the fruit, and also gave some to his husband, and he ate.
Then the eyes of both of them were opened. "We've had our eyes closed all this time! What morons we've been! No wonder I thought the lightbulbs were all blown..." Man one proclaimed. Neither of them did anything about the nudity, though, they enjoyed the view.
And they heard the sound of the LORD Clod walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his husband hid themselves from the presence of the LORD Clod so that He too could enjoy their exciting new game of 'hide and go seek'.
Then the LORD Clod called to Adam and said to him, "MARCO!"
So he said, "POLO!" And then Clod knew that this had evolved far beyond simple hide and go seek. "You have eaten from the tree of knowledge of good and evil! I know you have, do not deny it, for Marco Polo is a very advanced game!"
The the man said, "The man two whom You gave to be with me, he gave me of the tree, and I ate."
And the LORD Clod said, "We shall discuss your bad grammar later. But for now... What is this you have done?" And the man two said, "The serpent threatened to castrate me, and I ate."
So the LORD Clod winced and pitied poor man two, called the serpent 'Hama', and then beat the serpent with a shovel until it slithered away with one helluva concussion.
And the LORD Clod got very pissed at man two and Adam, and yelled many confusing things at them until they gave him big puppy dog eyed looks, and left his garden.
And Adam called his husband's name Steve, because he was the moth...Er.. The fath... No... Because he was the man two of all living.
Also for Adam and Steve, the LORD Clod made sexy leather outfits.
Then the LORD Clod said, "Behold, the man has become like one of Us, to know good and evil. And now, lest he put out his hand and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live forever"--
therefore the LORD Clod developed a case of alzheimers, scratched his head, and then chased Adam and Steve from his garden with a broom.
