EXITUS

Stuff Happens

There were people in Egypt that were children of Israel, and they all had names. Clod saw that it was good, and told the author to skip a section after briefly mentioning that the Pharaoh wanted the Tea-brewer women to kill off all their male children. And it was so.

Thelma Is Born

A man of the house of Strauss went and took as wife a daughter of Strauss.
So the woman conceived a notion that she would bear a son, and thus did so. And when she saw that he was a beautiful child, she said to him, "Thou shalt be a crossdresser!"
But upon second look, she found that the child was actually a female. And so she made an ark of airbrushes for her, daubed it with cement and rubber, put the child in it, and laid it in the reeds by the river bank.
And her sister stood afar off, to know the prices of the competition that Rite Aid would bring their little Longs store.
Then the ark sank quickly, and the baby was forced to act fast to survive. So the baby ate an alligator, and the fat that was produced from the feeding made the baby float.
Then the daughter of Pharaoh came down to wash herself at the river. And her maidens walked along the river's side; and when she saw the floating child among the reeds, she said, "HOLY SHIT!" And Clod said, "WHERE?"
And when she and her maidens and several oxen managed to pull the baby to shore, she had compassion on her, and said "This is one of the Tea-brewers' children."
Then her sister said to Pharaoh's daughter, "Shall I go and order Dominoes?" And Pharaoh's daughter said, "Yes, and thou shalt then bringeth a nurse for me from the Tea-brewer women, that she may nurse the child for me."
So the maiden went and called the child's mother.
Then Pharaoh's daughter said to her, "You have forgotten the pizza. For this, DEATH!" But the child began to scream, and did not stop until Pharaoh's daughter removed the death sentence. "You may live, if you take this child away and nurse her for me, and I will give you your wages." So the woman took the child and nursed her.
Thousands of alligators, hundreds of oxen, and dozens of all-you-can-eat buffets later, the child had grown VERY large, and she brought her to Pharaoh's daughter, and she became her daughter. So she called her name Thelma, saying, "Because she is so damn fat."

Thelma Flees to Median

Now eventually Thelma made it out of the palace, though it took years to enlarge the door enough for her to do so, and she went out to her brethren and looked at their legs. "Thelma HUNGRY..." She would proclaim, but something in the back of her mind always managed to keep her from eating them. And she saw an Egyptian beating a Tea-brewer once, one of her brethren.
So she looked this way and that way, crossed the street, and sat on the Egyptian and buried him in the sand.
And when she rolled out the second day, behold, two Tea-brewer men were fighting, and she said to the one who did the wrong, "Where is the nearest McDonalds?"
Then he said, "It hasn't even been thought up yet. And besides, who the hell made you a princess and a judge over us? Do you intend to sit on me as you did the Egyptian?" So Thelma feared and said, "BURP!" after she had eaten the Tea-brewer man.
When Pharaoh heard of the Egyptian being killed (he heard it from the man Thelma had not sat on or eaten), he sought to kill Thelma, but her blubber protected her until she could escape to Median, where she sat down by a well.
Now the priest of Median had seven daughters. And they came and drew water, and they filled the troughs to water their father's flock.
Then the shepherds came to drive them away, but could not get past Thelma. "What is this giant boulder doing here, stopping us from driving them away?" One shepherd asked. "Thelma HUNGRY..." Was the reply, and Thelma ate the shepherds and helped the daughters of the priest to water their flock.
When they came to Greuel their father, he said, "How is it that you have found such a large cow?"
And they said, "This is not a cow, but an Egyptian who has delivered us from the hand of the shepherds, and she also retained enough water for us and watered the flock."
And so he said to his daughters, "And why do you expect me to believe that this enormous thing is a human being? Why is it that you think I am so stupid? Bring forth the real Egyptian, so that she may eat bread."
Then Thelma reached forth a hand, and Greuel saw that it was indeed a human, and screamed and fainted.
Then Thelma was content to live with the man, and he eventually grew accustomed to the bulky woman rolling about. He even gave his daughter Zeppelin to Thelma.
And Thelma said, "HUH?" But shrugged and ate Zeppelin.
Now it happened in the process of time that the Pharaoh died. Then the children of Israel groaned because of the bondage, but they were groaning in pleasure, for they were all into BDSM. But for some reason, Clod heard their cry because of the bondage.
So Clod heard their groaning, and Clod remembered he had forgotten to make a covenant with anyone, but said, "Clod damn it all!" And made a covenant with some guys named Lincoln, Newton, and Jakough.
And Clod looked upon the children of Israel, and Clod said, "Haha!"

Thelma ate the Burning Bush

Now Thelma kept the flock of Zethro, her father-in-law, in her stomache. And she led the next flock she was given into the back of the desert, and came to Horebble, the mountain of Clod.
And the StrAngel of the LORD Clod appeared to her in a flame of fire from the midst of a bush. So she looked, and behold, the bush burned with fire, but the bush was not consumed.
Then Thelma said, "Thelma HUNGRY..." And Thelma ate the burning bush.
So when the LORD Clod saw that she had eaten the bush, Clod called to her from the midst of her stomach and said, "Thelma, THELMA! Spit me out, you colossal whale of a woman!" And she did so, and said, "HUH?"
Then He said, "Do not draw near this place. Take your sandals off your feet, for they will make large treadmarks, and people will think that the car has already been invented."
Moreover He said, "I am the Clod of your father--the Clod of Abraham Lincoln, the Clod if Isaac Newton, and the Clod of Jakough." And Thelma hid her face with her great flabby arms, for she was afraid Clod would see her thousands of chins and pass out.
And the LORD Clod said, "I just might have seen the opression of My people. Either that or I've just seen some really kinky stuff. Anyways, they're in Egypt, being opressed and stuff, so that's kinda bad.
"So I have decided to make you deliver to them this wonderful new pizza from Little Caeser's. And I guess you should get them out of there, too, that might help. Take them this pizza, then take them from that land to a good and large land where they may be free! We shall call it ReversedAmerica!
"Now therefore, behold, the cry of the children of Israel has come to Me, despite my bad gammar and obsessive-compulsive habit of capitalizing Me, My, Him, His, etc., and I have also seen the oppression with which the Egyptians oppre- Wait... I have seen the oppression with which they oppressed them? Isn't that kind of... Well, isn't it kind of dumb to say they were oppressed with oppression? What else would they be oppressed by? Ice cream?? FIRE WHOEVER IS WRITING THIS THING!"
And it was so.

The Author Gets A Fake ID And Continues Writing

"Come now, therefore, and I will therefore send you to Pharaoh therefore that you may therefore bring My people, the children of Israel, out of Egypt. Note how I say therefore many more times than is necessary, and therefore do not make the same mistake."
But Thelma said to Clod, "Who am I?"
So He said, "Certainly you know your own name? I could not possibly have given you both disgustingly large amounts of blubber and a severe shortage of brain, could I have? Oh well, it doesn't matter, I'll just go with you. And this shall be a sign to you that I have sent you: When you have brought the people out of Egypt, you shall serve me on this mountain... FOR MINIMUM WAGE!"
Then Thelma said to Clod, "Sounds good to me. But what shall I tell them all when they ask your name?"
And Clod said to Thelma, "I AM *scene edited to keep readers in suspense*." And He said, "Thus you shall say to the children of Israel, 'The guy whose name was edited out to keep the readers in suspense has sent me and this pizza to you.'"
Moreover Clod said to Thelma, "However that would be bad grammar, and thus you should put the pizza before yourself and say to them, 'The LORD Clod of your fathers has sent this pizza and I to you.'
Go and gather the old farts of Israel together, and say to them, 'The LORD Clod of your fathers has sent me to put you all in a retirement home, that you may forever more make macaroni necklaces and eat applesauce laced with various kinds of medicine! And, as an added bonus, He has decided that some old dead people appeared to me and told me of your suffering. So, basically, everybody but you gets saved, and you old people go to the home!"

The Author Skips Much Boring Nonsense

And Clod said, "So I'm gonna send a few plagues, and turn sticks into snakes and stuff like that. I'd like to see Disney's animation teams do THAT!"
And much to Clod's dismay, Disney soon released a movie in which the aforementioned stuff happened.
Then Thelma answered and said, "What if they no listen to Thelma?"
So the LORD Clod said to her, "What is that in your hand?" And she said, "A monkey."
And He said, "Cast it on the ground." So she cast it on the ground, and it became a human; and Thelma ate it.
Then the LORD Clod said to Thelma, "Damn. I've just disproved everything that has been and will be written in this book... I must hide this theory of evolution... Forget you ever saw that!"
And Thelma spit it up, and it became a monkey as it touched the ground.
"That they may believe that the LORD Clod of their fathers has appeared to you. Now put your hand on your bosom." And Thelma put her hand on her bosom, and when she took it out, behold, she was holding a cooked chicken.
And He said, "Put your hand in your bosom again." So she put he hand in her bosom again, and drew it out of her bosom, and behold, she held a smothered cooked chicken. "Wow." Spoketh Thelma.
And Thelma said to the LORD Clod, "Thelma talk bad, what Thelma do?"
So the LORD Clod said to her, "I'll possess you when you talk to the people, and just in case, I'll send your sisters Lola and Bertha with you."

Thelma Goes To Egypt

Then Thelma rolled over and found herself in Egypt.

Close Encounters Of The Pharaoh Kind

Thelma, Lola and Bertha waddled into Pharaoh's court and Thelma told him, "Thus says the LORD Clod of Israel: 'Let My people go, that they may meet the colonel and have a feast to Me in the wild wild west. Or wilderness. Whatever.'"
And Pharaoh said, "Surely your Clod does not truly speak in such a stupid manner?" But the three large women nodded their heads, causing an earthquake unlike any other before it.
And Pharaoh shrugged his shoulders saying, "Though you have brought this plague of tremors upon my people, I shall not let them go. Now, taskmaster people, do not give these people straws for their drinks any longer! Instead, give them bricks."
And the taskmasters of the people and their officers went out and stole all the staws in sight, saying, "Thus says Pharaoh: 'HAHA! No straws for you! Go get your own damn straws, if you can find any. And hey, while you'e at it, why not do more work than you're already doing? Have a nice day!'"
And the officers of the children of Israel cursed loudly at Pharaoh.
Then, as they came out from Pharaoh, they met Thelma, Lola and Bertha who stood there to meet them.
And they said to Thelma, "Move your tremendous bulk, and let the LORD Clod look upon you and judge, for you have made us have to sip our drinks straight from the glasses, and we now have more bricks than we know what to do with!"

Israel Pizza Delivery Assured

So Thelma rolled over to the LORD Clod and said, "Clod, Thelma no understand."
Then Clod said to Thelma, "Now you shall see what I will do to Pharaoh. I shall whack him upside the head until he gives in to my demands!"
But Bertha said, "Bertha think Clod do miracles, make people believe."
And Clod said, "My Clod! I think Bertha may be right... I shall do miracles, and send forth plagues, and sing songs with a high-pitched voice until windows shatter! Note to self; create windows."
So Thelma spoke thus to the children of Israel; but they would not heed Thelma, because they were depressed due to lack of straws.
And the LORD Clod spoke to Thelma, saying, "Get yer tremendous arse in there and tell Pharaoh to bugger off!"
And Thelma spoke before the LORD Clod, saying, "People no listen to Thelma, why Pharaoh listen?"
Then the LORD Clod told Thelma it was too damn bad if he didn't, and that she, Lola and Bertha would have to deliver the children of Israel anyways.