Part 2 - Sweet Surrender - Max POV
Doesn't mean much,
Doesn't mean anything at all.
The life I've left behind me
Is a cold room.
I've crossed the last line
From where I can return,
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home.
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give.
Take me in
No questions asked.
You strip away the ugliness that surrounds me
Are you an angel?
Am I already that gone?
I only hope that I won't disappoint you.
I'm down here on my knees...
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give.
Sweet surrender...
Is all that I have to give.
I don't understand how the touch of your hand...
I would be the one to fall.
And its the little things,
I miss everything about you.
It doesn't mean much,
It doesn't mean anything at all.
The life I've left behind me
Is a cold room.
Sarah McLachlan
I had the weirdest dream last night. Well, weird is an understatement. Twisted and sick is a little more accurate.
I didn't think I was going to sleep at all after getting back from the pod chamber. My mind was in about five hundred places at once, wondering how the hell my life had ended up such a colossal mess. I was even beginning to make a list of all the things I had to resolve when Isabel came into see me because the Sheriff still hadn't given the tape we made to our parents (thank God) and we had to somehow come up with a way to explain what the hell had happened to the Jeep.
Isabel wanted to tell them the truth. She's still mad at me that I said no, but telling Mom and Dad has to go at the bottom of the list. I've got other stuff to worry about right now.
So dealing with that was fun. Really. Yeah. Oh, I'm grounded until my next birthday by the way.
Anyway, after Izzy left, I went back to my list.
Lists. Making one made me think of Liz of course. I still grin to myself when I think about that list of questions she had for me that day after she found about who I really was. Her scientific, logical mind is one of the things I love about her. She once told me not to think she was a dork because she knew so much about science, but I, of course, never thought that. It was just one of the many things that impressed me about her.
Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked here. Thinking about all the things I love about Liz Parker has the tendency to do that. It always has, except for a very short period of time which only ended two days ago.
I couldn't think about what I loved about Liz in that period of time. Because if I had, I know I wouldn't have gotten through it. So, instead, I was an ass. It helped a little bit - helped ME anyway. It certainly didn't help anyone else.
It didn't help Alex.
But, well, I think you know all about that.
I think about Alex all the time, about how my stupid life killed him. Because he wouldn't have died if he hadn't been brought into the disaster that follows me everywhere. Tess wouldn't have had access to him if it wasn't for me.
People on the outside of our group probably didn't realize that Alex and I weren't that close. Even after everything that's happened in the past year, the secret the eight of us shared bonded us in a way that it made everyone on the outside think that we were all really great friends.
I wish I'd taken the time to get to know him better. I mean, I did know him, but I certainly didn't appreciate him, appreciate what he was to Izzy, what he was to Liz...
It wasn't until he died that I began to realize how important he was to Liz, really. I mean, I had sort of known it because of how bad things got between them when she was still shutting him out about our secret, but he was so much a part of everything that went down with the six of us after he did know, I think I forgot that he and Liz had a bond that extended beyond me and my problems. Can we say self-absorbed? I've often been that way, but you all know that too and if you don't, well ask Michael and Isabel. They probably have archived records.
Anyway, Liz and Alex. She knew him, knew that he would never kill himself. I remember knowing it too when she first told me that the Sheriff had suggested it. And I remember also finally accepting it gratefully when the Sheriff told me it had to be true - because then it wasn't my fault.
I've never been very good at accepting responsibility. I'm only beginning to see that now, after the way I completely bailed on Liz after Alex died. I'm tempted to make another list, but I think you all know what I'm talking about anyway.
Responsibility. No, It's not my forte. I put on a good show though. Lots of people think I'm pretty responsible.
I'm responsible when its easy. Where Liz Parker is concerned, its never easy.
One thing I WAS good at was picking the right people to trust: Liz, Maria, Alex, Valenti...even Kyle to a certain degree.
Ummmm...we'll get back to Tess in a minute.
I want to get back to my dream before I get totally sidetracked from the topic of Alex, because he was in it.
Like I said, it was weird. Because, in my dream, he wasn't dead. Well, maybe he was. It was hard to tell. I told you it was twisted.
I was at the Crashdown, sitting in my usual booth. I even knew why I was there - to get Liz back of course.
But it was Alex who came out the swinging door leading into the break room. He marched right over to me and sat down. "Hey Max. I need to talk to you."
As is the case in dreams, this seemed perfectly normal, although in the dream I was aware that Alex was dead. "Okay." I even realized in the dream that I had not had a conversation alone with Alex since the time I was trying to convince him not to turn me in when he let Liz and Isabel use his blood to save me in the hospital.
"I need to know what you're going to do about the baby." Dream Alex said.
I stared at him. "How do you know about the baby?" I asked, totally confused, since Alex had, of course, been killed before Tess and I had ever had sex.
"I knew a lot more than you think I did." Dream Alex told me calmly.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
But Dream Alex changed the subject. "If you won't talk about the baby, then tell me what you're going to do about Liz."
"Why?" I demanded, getting a little creeped out. If there was one thing Alex Whitman had not been, it was this calmly controlled, especially when it came to his friends. Michael had told me about the time Alex had come to punch his lights out about Maria when the whole Courtney thing was going on. My subconcious knew this and you would have thought that my dream would have reflected it.
But no. He seemed merely curious, like he was interested, but it didn't really matter to him one way or the other.
"Never mind." Dream Alex stood up and started to walk towards the exit. "I knew it all anyway."
"Alex!" I yelled after him, but he ignored me, walking through the double doors outside. I tried to get up to go after him, but it was useless. I was stuck in my seat.
I suddenly became aware of Liz near the counter. She was dressed in her Crashdown uniform and she wasn't alone.
Sean Deluca was sitting on one of the stools. Dream Liz was standing between his legs, WAY too close to him in my opinion, and I began to listen in horror to their conversation from where I was still stuck to my seat.
"What's going on Sean?" Said Dream Liz. As I watched, Dream Sean reached up and gently pulled Liz's alien ear headband off her head and set it down on the counter.
"I just wanna talk Parker."
"About what?" Dream Liz asked flirtatiously, trying to kiss him. I tried to look away but, like I said, I was frozen.
"About what I feel for you." And then Dream Sean turned and looked over Liz's shoulder, right at me. "I look at you, and I know you're the person I'm supposed to be with. I've always known it. It's fate." He sneered in my direction and then looked back at Dream Liz.
Why did those words sound so familiar to me? And then I remembered. They were the words I had said to Liz when I had come to reassure her about Tess, right before she caught me kissing Tess out in the rain about three minutes later.
At least I had had an excuse that time. Tess mindwarped me.
As we have already discussed, I have a serious issue with taking responsibility, even in my dreams. Even my dream self was making excuses. I apparently can't help it. Anyway, moving on.
Dream Sean told Dream Liz to look at him and said, "You're the one Liz. The only one. I could never be with anyone else."
And then Liz kissed him.
I woke up in a cold sweat.
The weirdest part is that I remember every single detail of the dream. Usually my dreams are gone before I even wake up. Michael, Izzy and I have discussed this before. None of us EVER remember our dreams. The only reason we even know that we do dream is because Iz has dreamwalked Michael and I.
We only remember them when something important happens in them - something that ends up applying directly to our lives.
So, there is only one answer. Someone is trying to tell me something.
At least I think that's the answer.
I think you can understand that I am not the most self-assured person in the world at the moment.
I used to trust my judgment a little bit. I might not always take responsibility but I did used to make okay decisions. Like healing Liz was probably not the most responsible thing to do, but all in all it was positive. Trusting Liz is another example. Trusting Valenti too. Not killing Brody - I'm particularly proud of that one.
Which, again, brings us to Tess. My judgment has, clearly, been slightly impaired lately.
And then there's the biggie. You'd think I would have realized BEFORE I let Tess blast off that sending my heir AND the thing Khivar most wanted in the world, the granolith, straight into his waiting hands was not the wisest decision in the world. Um. Yeah. Well, I admit it. I'm an idiot. I don't think well under pressure. Did it or did it not take my almost three days to decide what to do about Brody? Anyway, it was dumb.
It's only now too that I am beginning to doubt that my son was even dying in the first place. Tess flat out admitted that she was taking us back into Khivar's clutches. She needed a way to get us back there. I was perfectly willing to take responsibility for she and the baby here.
She needed a plan to get me to agree to go and a dying baby was a great one, I have to admit.
But, then, I know she wasn't lying. I connected with him. I know he was dying.
It's why I had to let her go, even after all she had done. I really could have killed her that day. I had every intention of doing it, to avenge Alex, to show them all that I could take action. And she deserved it. I wouldn't have even mourned her.
But he stopped me.
He's my son.
I have failed every single person in my life and I am not going to fail him.
And now I have to make Liz understand. Because she is the other person I have no intention of EVER failing again.
Because I was being perfectly honest when I told her that she is the only right thing I have done in my life in the last two years. The only one I really care about anyway.
I need her. And if it can't be as more than friends, well, then I'll accept it.
I cannot let her go again. I tried that once and it was a disaster.
But, then, we all know that - don't we?
**********************************************************************
Liz and I had agreed that we would meet on her balcony early tonight. I had wanted to talk to her right away after Tess left, but I could see that she was still sort of spaced out about the whole thing...having gone from finding out that I had slept with Tess, to knowing that Tess was pregnant, and then thinking that I was leaving her behind with a murderer on the loose, and then, suddenly, I wasn't going anywhere at all and we knew what had happened to Alex.
My biggest regret from the whole incident was that it was Michael who decided to stay behind. I wish it could have been me. It is supremely ironic that it was Michael, of all of us the one who most wanted to go back to our planet, who figured out most quickly that we belong here.
And I, although I knew that I was going to miss him, I was happy that he wanted to do it. I knew it was for Maria, but I knew that he would take care of Liz too. I could feel a little more secure leaving her. I trusted Michael to look out for her.
Plus, I think, even then, I knew that something was seriously wrong with this whole thing. I was not a complete fool. It had dawned on me that we might be killed the minute we set foot on our planet, that we might not even be able to survive on our planet. If Michael staying meant that he would survive, well, I was glad. Thinking back now, I almost wish that I had convinced Izzy to stay too.
But I was selfish. I didn't want to be alone. Even then, I realize now, I didn't totally trust Tess.
I had to go and I was relieved that Isabel wanted to go with me. For him, because I knew that she cared about him too. And I knew that no matter how hurt she was, Liz would never let me stay for her if it meant my child was going to die.
But then I let him go anyway. I think I was so shocked by the news that Tess was a traitor, I wasn't thinking straight. It is really my only defense. All I knew is that my child needed to go back, that I would die for certain if I went too, and that I was caught between a rock and a hard place.
And so I let them go, but knowing deep down that I would find him.
And I got a second chance with Liz. Or at least I hope I did. I'm still not quite sure.
By a second chance, I'm not talking about being a couple. I don't know if we can ever go back to that, not after what I've done to her. Even though I do know that she still loves me.
How do I know?
I can't really explain it. I just know she does.
It might be because for the first time in a LONG time - really since I caught her in bed with Kyle - I have opened myself up to her completely again.
I have shut off our connection for so long. It was too painful, because I was sure that someday, accidently I would get a flash of her and Kyle, together, doing what I had thought they did together.
I think some of you might suspect that I was REALLY tempted to kiss Liz when we were in Las Vegas. I so nearly did. But then I stopped myself.
I was scared. If I let her in like that again...I knew I would not be able to handle seeing that. It had almost killed me the first time - just seeing them lying there. If I had actually seen them doing stuff...
Okay, so I know now it was all a big lie. But I still don't know WHY she lied to me about it.
And, again, I am sure of one thing. That it was NOT because she didn't love me.
Finding out the hows and whys of that horrible night - at the top of my list.
Anyway, I am actually feeling pretty hopeful as I climb up the ladder to Liz's balcony. I know that even if we don' t work everything out tonight, at least by the end of it, it will all be out in the open.
And that's when I see HIM.
I had called out to her. She didn't answer, but I knew she was in there because I could just feel her presence.
I didn't expect to find Sean Deluca there at all.
For one horrible moment I had a flash of the two of them together like in my dream which - very helpfully might I add - quickly changed to a flash of the two of them in Liz's bed just like I had seen she and Kyle.
Have I mentioned that I am still haunted by that night? Well, I am. Yes, I know it never happened, but I still don't know why and I won't be able to forget it until I do. Even then I don't know if I'll forget it. It was, hands down, the worst night of my life.
You know why? You know how I said that while my track record for taking responsibility isn't that great - well, back then my judgment was still pretty good. I had never made a mistake up until then. And if Liz did what I thought she did with Kyle then I totally misjudged her.
Even one minute of thinking that I misjudged Liz, of all people...it was awful.
And then there's the part that just hurts.
I know I have no reason to be upset. I actually HAD sex with Tess. But it still hurts. I may not be human, but I do have a heart and I do have a memory.
You know, my life would probably be a lot easier if I didn't have any emotions. It would be very handy to be a Borg. Michael always says he wants to be whatever kind of alien Han Solo was because "Maxwell, he may LOOK human, but he not from Earth so he's an alien too." Michael sort of likes the idea that he may be like Han Solo.
Not me. He used to tell me that if he was Han, I was Luke, and I thought that was cool. But that's not good enough now. An emotionless Borg...yeah, that sounds pretty good to me.
Anyway, moving on. Liz sees me and gets this really panicked expression on her face. I can see that she is trying to push Sean out her bedroom door but he is resisting.
"Oh. You have company." I say, knowing that I sound totally weird. "I can come back." I turn around to leave, upset despite myself.
I have no right to be upset.
"No! Max! Wait!" Liz calls breathlessly after me. "Sean is just leaving." She says firmly, pushing him roughly out her door.
I look after her, unsure what to do.
Liz is really weird around Sean. Totally not the Liz I know, or thought I knew. She becomes really silly and girly around him. She acts 17, because that's what she is.
He lets her have fun.
I frantically search my memory for any time that Liz and I just had fun, where we got to be kids.
There was the time we went on the date to Senor Chow's and played pool. But then Michael got sick and I dumped her the next day, so I guess that doesn't count.
There was the time we were making out at Buckley Point. That was pretty fun... Oh but that's when Topolsky showed up again. Okay, forget that.
Las Vegas? Hmmmm...no.
I frown to myself. I know that there were only six perfect weeks when Liz and I were truly happy. It was in the time between when we found the orb and when Tess first came. Everything seemed really normal then. It was heaven.
Liz deserves that. She's always asked why our relationship can't be more normal. I know that's what she wants.
I wish I could give it to her. Sean Deluca might be a delinquent, but at least he's normal.
He can give her normal.
Maybe I should just leave...
I seriously consider doing this. But I don't want to. Despite it all, I am still hoping.
Because deep down I know that Liz would never exchange a single minute of our perfect six weeks, or even our hellish two years, for a lifetime of normal with Sean Deluca.
I just know it. I know HER.
I know that I should be the one to step aside, because I know that she will never leave me, even though she wants to.
And I know that she wants to. But she can't.
I can't either. I love her.
What the hell are we going to do?
Liz isn't gone very long and she pokes her head out her window just as I'm settling down on one of the lawn chairs there.
"Hey. Sorry about that." She says, sounding guilty.
"Liz, you don't need to apologize. You have a life apart from me. I know that." I say. It actually hurts to say it, because once upon a time she didn't.
"He just showed up. I didn't invite him here." She insists, upset.
"Okay." I say. "Sean has turned out to be a pretty nice guy..." I continued, telling her that its okay if she wants to be with him, that I don't have any claim on her.
But of course its not okay. At all.
"I mean, he seems to have moved past all those petty crimes..." Why am a babbling like this? Shut up!
Liz cuts me off. "Max." She says is urgently. "Stop it."
I slam my mouth shut obediently.
"I don't want to talk about Sean." She says. "He has nothing to do with us."
Us. Its like music to my ears. I try not to let my hopes perk up to much, but they do anyway.
"Okay." I repeat. "We can talk about whatever you want to talk about."
"I want to talk about your son and what you're going to do about it." She says abruptly, like it has been weighing on her mind. Which I'm sure it has.
I know that it is so hard for her. It's hard for me too. I am only eighteen years old. I am not ready to be a father - at all. Have we not already discussed my issues with responsibility?
Well, anyway, I am not going to fail at this. Its too important.
"I don't know Liz." I say, being perfectly honest. "All I know is that I have to get him back."
She stares at me for a long minute, her dark eyes sad. "But Max, how? Really. How are you planning to do this?"
I shake my head, turn to stare off at the night sky. "I know it was really dumb to just let Tess go like that." I say finally. "I'm sorry that you never got to have justice for Alex."
Liz sighs. I turn back to look at her. She is sitting back in the her lawn chair, gazing off at the sky like I was. "I don't think we could have anyway. What was Valenti going to do? If we turned her in, your secret would have been exposed." She smiled at me weakly. "Alex died because he was going to protect you all, turn her in. We can't just turn around and expose you now."
"I'm sorry Liz." The naked pain on her face about Alex is what prompts me to say it, but I know that she knows that I mean it about everything.
"I know. I'm sorry too." She replies quietly.
"Why?" I demand. "You have nothing to be sorry about."
"Max." I know she is thinking about the Kyle thing.
"Oh." I say. "Well, but you didn't really do anything." I insist.
"You thought I did."
"Yeah." I close my eyes briefly. "How could I have ever thought that?" I ask, not really directing it at her, but she answers anyway.
"You didn't believe it at first." She's defending me. Why is she so wonderful? How am I ever going to live with out her? Because I am getting the feeling from this conversation - not necessarily from the words, but from the undertones - that I was right. We are not getting back together - romantically at least.
"But I did believe it eventually, even though I knew you would never do that." And then I need to know why. "Why Liz? What happened? Were you really that desperate to get me to back off?"
"Yes." It's like a slap to the face. I just stare at her, the pain from constantly being rejected by her last fall coming back full force. I thought I had moved past that, but apparently not. Liz obviously sees this because she adds hastily. "Max, there were very extenuating circumstances though. You don't really understand."
"I wouldn' t leave you alone." I tell her. "I understand. And you thought I had to be with Tess."
"I guess I was right." She says quietly. "Maybe this all happened because..."
"Because he was supposed to be born."
"Right." She says. I can hear the sadness in her voice.
"But it still doesn't explain why you had to do that. How did you know that Tess and I needed to be together?" I pause, frowning. "The same way you knew about the granolith, right?"
"Yeah." She grimaces slightly. "I'm going to tell you Max, because keeping secrets is what brought us to this. It's kind of hard to believe, so just bear with me."
And so she tells me. About the future version of me that came to tell her that we had "cemented", as Liz put it, on that night that I caught her in bed with Kyle (which of course never happened in that time-line), had gotten married at nineteen in Vegas and then the world had ended fourteen years later because Tess had left.
I stared at her in disbelief. "Liz..."
"Max its all true."
I shake my head. There is no way. "It must have been a mind-warp. There is no way that I would have ever put you in that position." I know myself that much, I hope at least. Even fourteen years from now, I know that I would never give Liz up. I know it.
She has moved her chair closer to me, is touching my hand lightly. "Max, it was you. I know it. I know YOU."
And I believe her.
I am furious. I jump to my feet, start pacing. "What a complete idiot! How could he, me, whoever the hell he was, have done this to you?"
"Max, Michael and Isabel had just died. Apparently future me made you do it."
Future Max. Future Liz. Future Michael and Future Isabel. All dead. It was insane.
I wanted so badly to blame it all on a mind warp. Blame this all on Tess too.
But I knew I couldn't. Liz would not lie to me. She knew it had happened.
I turn to look at her. She is watching me anxiously, worried that I'm going to kill myself I think.
She knows me too well. Because what I have found out is that apparently I am an ass even fourteen years in the future.
"Liz, how could you have been so brave?" I ask finally. "I don't understand." I sigh because really I do understand. "He chose you to come to because he knew I would never give you up, didn't he? He knew that he couldn't tell me because I wouldn't care."
Liz smiles softly. "He knew. But he also knew that you couldn't face each other directly - you'd both cease to exist. Serena told him that."
"Who's Serena?"
Liz shrugs. "Apparently someone we became really good friends with. She turned the granolith into a time machine."
"Weird."
"Yeah."
"Did we..." I pause. I probably don't really want to know, but I have to ask, under the present circumstances. "Did we have kids?"
Liz flinches visibly and I could kick myself. "I don't think so." She says finally. "I think it must have been too dangerous."
And then I realize something. "The point of all this was to keep Tess around. We all died because she was gone. And now she's gone again."
"Yeah." Liz says. "I thought of that. But I think maybe the most important thing was..." She swallows. "Was your son. He's happened. It might be all right." She pauses again. "Which is why I am going to help you find him."
To be continued...
Doesn't mean much,
Doesn't mean anything at all.
The life I've left behind me
Is a cold room.
I've crossed the last line
From where I can return,
Where every step I took in faith
Betrayed me
And led me from my home.
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give.
Take me in
No questions asked.
You strip away the ugliness that surrounds me
Are you an angel?
Am I already that gone?
I only hope that I won't disappoint you.
I'm down here on my knees...
Sweet surrender
Is all that I have to give.
Sweet surrender...
Is all that I have to give.
I don't understand how the touch of your hand...
I would be the one to fall.
And its the little things,
I miss everything about you.
It doesn't mean much,
It doesn't mean anything at all.
The life I've left behind me
Is a cold room.
Sarah McLachlan
I had the weirdest dream last night. Well, weird is an understatement. Twisted and sick is a little more accurate.
I didn't think I was going to sleep at all after getting back from the pod chamber. My mind was in about five hundred places at once, wondering how the hell my life had ended up such a colossal mess. I was even beginning to make a list of all the things I had to resolve when Isabel came into see me because the Sheriff still hadn't given the tape we made to our parents (thank God) and we had to somehow come up with a way to explain what the hell had happened to the Jeep.
Isabel wanted to tell them the truth. She's still mad at me that I said no, but telling Mom and Dad has to go at the bottom of the list. I've got other stuff to worry about right now.
So dealing with that was fun. Really. Yeah. Oh, I'm grounded until my next birthday by the way.
Anyway, after Izzy left, I went back to my list.
Lists. Making one made me think of Liz of course. I still grin to myself when I think about that list of questions she had for me that day after she found about who I really was. Her scientific, logical mind is one of the things I love about her. She once told me not to think she was a dork because she knew so much about science, but I, of course, never thought that. It was just one of the many things that impressed me about her.
Anyway, I'm getting side-tracked here. Thinking about all the things I love about Liz Parker has the tendency to do that. It always has, except for a very short period of time which only ended two days ago.
I couldn't think about what I loved about Liz in that period of time. Because if I had, I know I wouldn't have gotten through it. So, instead, I was an ass. It helped a little bit - helped ME anyway. It certainly didn't help anyone else.
It didn't help Alex.
But, well, I think you know all about that.
I think about Alex all the time, about how my stupid life killed him. Because he wouldn't have died if he hadn't been brought into the disaster that follows me everywhere. Tess wouldn't have had access to him if it wasn't for me.
People on the outside of our group probably didn't realize that Alex and I weren't that close. Even after everything that's happened in the past year, the secret the eight of us shared bonded us in a way that it made everyone on the outside think that we were all really great friends.
I wish I'd taken the time to get to know him better. I mean, I did know him, but I certainly didn't appreciate him, appreciate what he was to Izzy, what he was to Liz...
It wasn't until he died that I began to realize how important he was to Liz, really. I mean, I had sort of known it because of how bad things got between them when she was still shutting him out about our secret, but he was so much a part of everything that went down with the six of us after he did know, I think I forgot that he and Liz had a bond that extended beyond me and my problems. Can we say self-absorbed? I've often been that way, but you all know that too and if you don't, well ask Michael and Isabel. They probably have archived records.
Anyway, Liz and Alex. She knew him, knew that he would never kill himself. I remember knowing it too when she first told me that the Sheriff had suggested it. And I remember also finally accepting it gratefully when the Sheriff told me it had to be true - because then it wasn't my fault.
I've never been very good at accepting responsibility. I'm only beginning to see that now, after the way I completely bailed on Liz after Alex died. I'm tempted to make another list, but I think you all know what I'm talking about anyway.
Responsibility. No, It's not my forte. I put on a good show though. Lots of people think I'm pretty responsible.
I'm responsible when its easy. Where Liz Parker is concerned, its never easy.
One thing I WAS good at was picking the right people to trust: Liz, Maria, Alex, Valenti...even Kyle to a certain degree.
Ummmm...we'll get back to Tess in a minute.
I want to get back to my dream before I get totally sidetracked from the topic of Alex, because he was in it.
Like I said, it was weird. Because, in my dream, he wasn't dead. Well, maybe he was. It was hard to tell. I told you it was twisted.
I was at the Crashdown, sitting in my usual booth. I even knew why I was there - to get Liz back of course.
But it was Alex who came out the swinging door leading into the break room. He marched right over to me and sat down. "Hey Max. I need to talk to you."
As is the case in dreams, this seemed perfectly normal, although in the dream I was aware that Alex was dead. "Okay." I even realized in the dream that I had not had a conversation alone with Alex since the time I was trying to convince him not to turn me in when he let Liz and Isabel use his blood to save me in the hospital.
"I need to know what you're going to do about the baby." Dream Alex said.
I stared at him. "How do you know about the baby?" I asked, totally confused, since Alex had, of course, been killed before Tess and I had ever had sex.
"I knew a lot more than you think I did." Dream Alex told me calmly.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
But Dream Alex changed the subject. "If you won't talk about the baby, then tell me what you're going to do about Liz."
"Why?" I demanded, getting a little creeped out. If there was one thing Alex Whitman had not been, it was this calmly controlled, especially when it came to his friends. Michael had told me about the time Alex had come to punch his lights out about Maria when the whole Courtney thing was going on. My subconcious knew this and you would have thought that my dream would have reflected it.
But no. He seemed merely curious, like he was interested, but it didn't really matter to him one way or the other.
"Never mind." Dream Alex stood up and started to walk towards the exit. "I knew it all anyway."
"Alex!" I yelled after him, but he ignored me, walking through the double doors outside. I tried to get up to go after him, but it was useless. I was stuck in my seat.
I suddenly became aware of Liz near the counter. She was dressed in her Crashdown uniform and she wasn't alone.
Sean Deluca was sitting on one of the stools. Dream Liz was standing between his legs, WAY too close to him in my opinion, and I began to listen in horror to their conversation from where I was still stuck to my seat.
"What's going on Sean?" Said Dream Liz. As I watched, Dream Sean reached up and gently pulled Liz's alien ear headband off her head and set it down on the counter.
"I just wanna talk Parker."
"About what?" Dream Liz asked flirtatiously, trying to kiss him. I tried to look away but, like I said, I was frozen.
"About what I feel for you." And then Dream Sean turned and looked over Liz's shoulder, right at me. "I look at you, and I know you're the person I'm supposed to be with. I've always known it. It's fate." He sneered in my direction and then looked back at Dream Liz.
Why did those words sound so familiar to me? And then I remembered. They were the words I had said to Liz when I had come to reassure her about Tess, right before she caught me kissing Tess out in the rain about three minutes later.
At least I had had an excuse that time. Tess mindwarped me.
As we have already discussed, I have a serious issue with taking responsibility, even in my dreams. Even my dream self was making excuses. I apparently can't help it. Anyway, moving on.
Dream Sean told Dream Liz to look at him and said, "You're the one Liz. The only one. I could never be with anyone else."
And then Liz kissed him.
I woke up in a cold sweat.
The weirdest part is that I remember every single detail of the dream. Usually my dreams are gone before I even wake up. Michael, Izzy and I have discussed this before. None of us EVER remember our dreams. The only reason we even know that we do dream is because Iz has dreamwalked Michael and I.
We only remember them when something important happens in them - something that ends up applying directly to our lives.
So, there is only one answer. Someone is trying to tell me something.
At least I think that's the answer.
I think you can understand that I am not the most self-assured person in the world at the moment.
I used to trust my judgment a little bit. I might not always take responsibility but I did used to make okay decisions. Like healing Liz was probably not the most responsible thing to do, but all in all it was positive. Trusting Liz is another example. Trusting Valenti too. Not killing Brody - I'm particularly proud of that one.
Which, again, brings us to Tess. My judgment has, clearly, been slightly impaired lately.
And then there's the biggie. You'd think I would have realized BEFORE I let Tess blast off that sending my heir AND the thing Khivar most wanted in the world, the granolith, straight into his waiting hands was not the wisest decision in the world. Um. Yeah. Well, I admit it. I'm an idiot. I don't think well under pressure. Did it or did it not take my almost three days to decide what to do about Brody? Anyway, it was dumb.
It's only now too that I am beginning to doubt that my son was even dying in the first place. Tess flat out admitted that she was taking us back into Khivar's clutches. She needed a way to get us back there. I was perfectly willing to take responsibility for she and the baby here.
She needed a plan to get me to agree to go and a dying baby was a great one, I have to admit.
But, then, I know she wasn't lying. I connected with him. I know he was dying.
It's why I had to let her go, even after all she had done. I really could have killed her that day. I had every intention of doing it, to avenge Alex, to show them all that I could take action. And she deserved it. I wouldn't have even mourned her.
But he stopped me.
He's my son.
I have failed every single person in my life and I am not going to fail him.
And now I have to make Liz understand. Because she is the other person I have no intention of EVER failing again.
Because I was being perfectly honest when I told her that she is the only right thing I have done in my life in the last two years. The only one I really care about anyway.
I need her. And if it can't be as more than friends, well, then I'll accept it.
I cannot let her go again. I tried that once and it was a disaster.
But, then, we all know that - don't we?
**********************************************************************
Liz and I had agreed that we would meet on her balcony early tonight. I had wanted to talk to her right away after Tess left, but I could see that she was still sort of spaced out about the whole thing...having gone from finding out that I had slept with Tess, to knowing that Tess was pregnant, and then thinking that I was leaving her behind with a murderer on the loose, and then, suddenly, I wasn't going anywhere at all and we knew what had happened to Alex.
My biggest regret from the whole incident was that it was Michael who decided to stay behind. I wish it could have been me. It is supremely ironic that it was Michael, of all of us the one who most wanted to go back to our planet, who figured out most quickly that we belong here.
And I, although I knew that I was going to miss him, I was happy that he wanted to do it. I knew it was for Maria, but I knew that he would take care of Liz too. I could feel a little more secure leaving her. I trusted Michael to look out for her.
Plus, I think, even then, I knew that something was seriously wrong with this whole thing. I was not a complete fool. It had dawned on me that we might be killed the minute we set foot on our planet, that we might not even be able to survive on our planet. If Michael staying meant that he would survive, well, I was glad. Thinking back now, I almost wish that I had convinced Izzy to stay too.
But I was selfish. I didn't want to be alone. Even then, I realize now, I didn't totally trust Tess.
I had to go and I was relieved that Isabel wanted to go with me. For him, because I knew that she cared about him too. And I knew that no matter how hurt she was, Liz would never let me stay for her if it meant my child was going to die.
But then I let him go anyway. I think I was so shocked by the news that Tess was a traitor, I wasn't thinking straight. It is really my only defense. All I knew is that my child needed to go back, that I would die for certain if I went too, and that I was caught between a rock and a hard place.
And so I let them go, but knowing deep down that I would find him.
And I got a second chance with Liz. Or at least I hope I did. I'm still not quite sure.
By a second chance, I'm not talking about being a couple. I don't know if we can ever go back to that, not after what I've done to her. Even though I do know that she still loves me.
How do I know?
I can't really explain it. I just know she does.
It might be because for the first time in a LONG time - really since I caught her in bed with Kyle - I have opened myself up to her completely again.
I have shut off our connection for so long. It was too painful, because I was sure that someday, accidently I would get a flash of her and Kyle, together, doing what I had thought they did together.
I think some of you might suspect that I was REALLY tempted to kiss Liz when we were in Las Vegas. I so nearly did. But then I stopped myself.
I was scared. If I let her in like that again...I knew I would not be able to handle seeing that. It had almost killed me the first time - just seeing them lying there. If I had actually seen them doing stuff...
Okay, so I know now it was all a big lie. But I still don't know WHY she lied to me about it.
And, again, I am sure of one thing. That it was NOT because she didn't love me.
Finding out the hows and whys of that horrible night - at the top of my list.
Anyway, I am actually feeling pretty hopeful as I climb up the ladder to Liz's balcony. I know that even if we don' t work everything out tonight, at least by the end of it, it will all be out in the open.
And that's when I see HIM.
I had called out to her. She didn't answer, but I knew she was in there because I could just feel her presence.
I didn't expect to find Sean Deluca there at all.
For one horrible moment I had a flash of the two of them together like in my dream which - very helpfully might I add - quickly changed to a flash of the two of them in Liz's bed just like I had seen she and Kyle.
Have I mentioned that I am still haunted by that night? Well, I am. Yes, I know it never happened, but I still don't know why and I won't be able to forget it until I do. Even then I don't know if I'll forget it. It was, hands down, the worst night of my life.
You know why? You know how I said that while my track record for taking responsibility isn't that great - well, back then my judgment was still pretty good. I had never made a mistake up until then. And if Liz did what I thought she did with Kyle then I totally misjudged her.
Even one minute of thinking that I misjudged Liz, of all people...it was awful.
And then there's the part that just hurts.
I know I have no reason to be upset. I actually HAD sex with Tess. But it still hurts. I may not be human, but I do have a heart and I do have a memory.
You know, my life would probably be a lot easier if I didn't have any emotions. It would be very handy to be a Borg. Michael always says he wants to be whatever kind of alien Han Solo was because "Maxwell, he may LOOK human, but he not from Earth so he's an alien too." Michael sort of likes the idea that he may be like Han Solo.
Not me. He used to tell me that if he was Han, I was Luke, and I thought that was cool. But that's not good enough now. An emotionless Borg...yeah, that sounds pretty good to me.
Anyway, moving on. Liz sees me and gets this really panicked expression on her face. I can see that she is trying to push Sean out her bedroom door but he is resisting.
"Oh. You have company." I say, knowing that I sound totally weird. "I can come back." I turn around to leave, upset despite myself.
I have no right to be upset.
"No! Max! Wait!" Liz calls breathlessly after me. "Sean is just leaving." She says firmly, pushing him roughly out her door.
I look after her, unsure what to do.
Liz is really weird around Sean. Totally not the Liz I know, or thought I knew. She becomes really silly and girly around him. She acts 17, because that's what she is.
He lets her have fun.
I frantically search my memory for any time that Liz and I just had fun, where we got to be kids.
There was the time we went on the date to Senor Chow's and played pool. But then Michael got sick and I dumped her the next day, so I guess that doesn't count.
There was the time we were making out at Buckley Point. That was pretty fun... Oh but that's when Topolsky showed up again. Okay, forget that.
Las Vegas? Hmmmm...no.
I frown to myself. I know that there were only six perfect weeks when Liz and I were truly happy. It was in the time between when we found the orb and when Tess first came. Everything seemed really normal then. It was heaven.
Liz deserves that. She's always asked why our relationship can't be more normal. I know that's what she wants.
I wish I could give it to her. Sean Deluca might be a delinquent, but at least he's normal.
He can give her normal.
Maybe I should just leave...
I seriously consider doing this. But I don't want to. Despite it all, I am still hoping.
Because deep down I know that Liz would never exchange a single minute of our perfect six weeks, or even our hellish two years, for a lifetime of normal with Sean Deluca.
I just know it. I know HER.
I know that I should be the one to step aside, because I know that she will never leave me, even though she wants to.
And I know that she wants to. But she can't.
I can't either. I love her.
What the hell are we going to do?
Liz isn't gone very long and she pokes her head out her window just as I'm settling down on one of the lawn chairs there.
"Hey. Sorry about that." She says, sounding guilty.
"Liz, you don't need to apologize. You have a life apart from me. I know that." I say. It actually hurts to say it, because once upon a time she didn't.
"He just showed up. I didn't invite him here." She insists, upset.
"Okay." I say. "Sean has turned out to be a pretty nice guy..." I continued, telling her that its okay if she wants to be with him, that I don't have any claim on her.
But of course its not okay. At all.
"I mean, he seems to have moved past all those petty crimes..." Why am a babbling like this? Shut up!
Liz cuts me off. "Max." She says is urgently. "Stop it."
I slam my mouth shut obediently.
"I don't want to talk about Sean." She says. "He has nothing to do with us."
Us. Its like music to my ears. I try not to let my hopes perk up to much, but they do anyway.
"Okay." I repeat. "We can talk about whatever you want to talk about."
"I want to talk about your son and what you're going to do about it." She says abruptly, like it has been weighing on her mind. Which I'm sure it has.
I know that it is so hard for her. It's hard for me too. I am only eighteen years old. I am not ready to be a father - at all. Have we not already discussed my issues with responsibility?
Well, anyway, I am not going to fail at this. Its too important.
"I don't know Liz." I say, being perfectly honest. "All I know is that I have to get him back."
She stares at me for a long minute, her dark eyes sad. "But Max, how? Really. How are you planning to do this?"
I shake my head, turn to stare off at the night sky. "I know it was really dumb to just let Tess go like that." I say finally. "I'm sorry that you never got to have justice for Alex."
Liz sighs. I turn back to look at her. She is sitting back in the her lawn chair, gazing off at the sky like I was. "I don't think we could have anyway. What was Valenti going to do? If we turned her in, your secret would have been exposed." She smiled at me weakly. "Alex died because he was going to protect you all, turn her in. We can't just turn around and expose you now."
"I'm sorry Liz." The naked pain on her face about Alex is what prompts me to say it, but I know that she knows that I mean it about everything.
"I know. I'm sorry too." She replies quietly.
"Why?" I demand. "You have nothing to be sorry about."
"Max." I know she is thinking about the Kyle thing.
"Oh." I say. "Well, but you didn't really do anything." I insist.
"You thought I did."
"Yeah." I close my eyes briefly. "How could I have ever thought that?" I ask, not really directing it at her, but she answers anyway.
"You didn't believe it at first." She's defending me. Why is she so wonderful? How am I ever going to live with out her? Because I am getting the feeling from this conversation - not necessarily from the words, but from the undertones - that I was right. We are not getting back together - romantically at least.
"But I did believe it eventually, even though I knew you would never do that." And then I need to know why. "Why Liz? What happened? Were you really that desperate to get me to back off?"
"Yes." It's like a slap to the face. I just stare at her, the pain from constantly being rejected by her last fall coming back full force. I thought I had moved past that, but apparently not. Liz obviously sees this because she adds hastily. "Max, there were very extenuating circumstances though. You don't really understand."
"I wouldn' t leave you alone." I tell her. "I understand. And you thought I had to be with Tess."
"I guess I was right." She says quietly. "Maybe this all happened because..."
"Because he was supposed to be born."
"Right." She says. I can hear the sadness in her voice.
"But it still doesn't explain why you had to do that. How did you know that Tess and I needed to be together?" I pause, frowning. "The same way you knew about the granolith, right?"
"Yeah." She grimaces slightly. "I'm going to tell you Max, because keeping secrets is what brought us to this. It's kind of hard to believe, so just bear with me."
And so she tells me. About the future version of me that came to tell her that we had "cemented", as Liz put it, on that night that I caught her in bed with Kyle (which of course never happened in that time-line), had gotten married at nineteen in Vegas and then the world had ended fourteen years later because Tess had left.
I stared at her in disbelief. "Liz..."
"Max its all true."
I shake my head. There is no way. "It must have been a mind-warp. There is no way that I would have ever put you in that position." I know myself that much, I hope at least. Even fourteen years from now, I know that I would never give Liz up. I know it.
She has moved her chair closer to me, is touching my hand lightly. "Max, it was you. I know it. I know YOU."
And I believe her.
I am furious. I jump to my feet, start pacing. "What a complete idiot! How could he, me, whoever the hell he was, have done this to you?"
"Max, Michael and Isabel had just died. Apparently future me made you do it."
Future Max. Future Liz. Future Michael and Future Isabel. All dead. It was insane.
I wanted so badly to blame it all on a mind warp. Blame this all on Tess too.
But I knew I couldn't. Liz would not lie to me. She knew it had happened.
I turn to look at her. She is watching me anxiously, worried that I'm going to kill myself I think.
She knows me too well. Because what I have found out is that apparently I am an ass even fourteen years in the future.
"Liz, how could you have been so brave?" I ask finally. "I don't understand." I sigh because really I do understand. "He chose you to come to because he knew I would never give you up, didn't he? He knew that he couldn't tell me because I wouldn't care."
Liz smiles softly. "He knew. But he also knew that you couldn't face each other directly - you'd both cease to exist. Serena told him that."
"Who's Serena?"
Liz shrugs. "Apparently someone we became really good friends with. She turned the granolith into a time machine."
"Weird."
"Yeah."
"Did we..." I pause. I probably don't really want to know, but I have to ask, under the present circumstances. "Did we have kids?"
Liz flinches visibly and I could kick myself. "I don't think so." She says finally. "I think it must have been too dangerous."
And then I realize something. "The point of all this was to keep Tess around. We all died because she was gone. And now she's gone again."
"Yeah." Liz says. "I thought of that. But I think maybe the most important thing was..." She swallows. "Was your son. He's happened. It might be all right." She pauses again. "Which is why I am going to help you find him."
To be continued...
