Part 6 - Max POV - Steaming

You're always waiting on the tide
It's time you decide.
I've walked down long roads that seem to have no end at all.

You never wanted time to end,
To let my life offend.
It's time to realize what hides deep inside your holy eyes,
Hold on tight, hold on fast
This ain't the kind that always lasts.
If you want me to go just ask me to go, I'll go.

All the way my love, over the hills and right on through you.
Run away my love, over the hills and right on through you.
Over the hills and right on through you.

Lying awake in these restless dreams,
Life's never what it seems.
I've always tried to read your eyes,
To get inside that scornful mind.
Hold on tight, hold on fast
This ain't the kind that always lasts.
If you want me to go just ask me to go, I'll go.

All the way my love, over the hills and right on through you.
Run away my love, over the hills and right on through you.
Over the hills and right on through you.

I was with you on that pallet steaming,
Spinning 'round in circles dreaming.
I was with you on that pallet steaming
Running 'round in circles screaming...

All the way my love, over the hills and right on through you...
Run away my love, over the hills and right on through.
All the way my love, over the hills and right on through you...
Run away my love, over the hills and right on through.

Sarah McLachlan

I cannot believe that she is actually in my arms again. It has happened so suddenly, its like some sort of weird dream come to life.

Not that I'm complaining mind you. This entire afternoon has been one giant exercise of being hit in the face by the fact that Liz has absolutely no intention of being with me again. We are a unit, a team, yes, but for two reasons alone. To find out the truth behind Alex's death and to save my son.

And I was accepting it. I was. I was worried about how brittle she was throughout the entire conversation with Leanna, but I had been happy simply being in her presence, working with her again.

And then she tells me to stop the car and suddenly she has jumped me and everything is suddenly up-ended again.

The firm lid I had put on my desire to touch her and BE with her has been completely demolished. I am simply reveling in the feel of her silky hair under my hands, marveling over the fact that I am actually kissing her again when the flashes start.

The connection is so abrupt and so sudden, I hear Liz gasp before I can even begin to make any sense of them.

Flash*

Liz watching me kiss Tess at the prom, horror and pain and betrayal washing over her. And then anger and resolve.

Flash*

Liz and Sean at the bowling alley, the pain being replaced by acceptance and a desire to move forward.

Flash*

Liz, shocked and betrayed, as she listens to me tell the others that I believe Valenti - that Alex committed suicide. Anger, which results in words that she cannot take back, words she regrets but that will not turn her away from her purpose.

Flash*

Liz in tears, poring over a stack of pictures of Alex. A serene feeling settles over her as some guy shows up at the door of the Crashdown with a story that tells her she is on the right track.

Flash*

Liz, Maria and Michael in some sort of broken down warehouse. Triumph as they find the translated book - and, yet, there are still more answers to be sought.

Flash*

Liz in the Jeep as I tell her that Tess is pregnant with MY child. The wave of pain and betrayal that washes over her is so intense, I momentarily lose my connection to her.

Flash*

Liz in Sean Deluca's arms. Her grief over my departure is so sharp, I can barely comprehend why she is with Sean. And then she is turning away from him...

The connection ends as abruptly as it began.

It is in that instant that I realize that Liz is no longer on my lap, having wrenched herself away from me, but is back on her side of the car, fumbling with the handle to the door. She is stumbling out and I can hear her retching.

Oh good Lord. The flashes...

I don't want to even begin to contemplate what she saw from ME, but it was clearly all bad - enough to actually make her physically sick.

I am out of the car and around to her side in an instant. She is on her hands and knees, taking deep gulps of air. I drop to my knees beside her, reach over to pull her hair back as she retches again. I can hear the sobs beginning to intermingle with the sounds of sickness.

"Liz?"

She is beginning to breathe more evenly again. "Please Max. Don't touch me." I drop my hands instantly. There is a long moment of silence and then. "I saw you...with her."

I have absolutely no idea what to say. "Oh." And then, "Liz, I'm sorry."

She is sitting back on her heels now, her gaze trained out across the desert. "I thought...I thought maybe I could move past it. I really thought maybe..." She pauses. "I didn't want her to win, but she's going to because... Max, I FELT how you felt when you were with her." Her voice hitches slightly.

"Liz..."

"Max, ever since the first time that we connected, I've been able to feel how you feel about ME. Why is she there? Why?" Her hands are covering her eyes. She is not crying, but I can hear her voice failing as the tears try to take over. I want so desperately to pull her into my arms to comfort her, but I know that it will only make things worse.

"Liz, I wasn't myself." I fumble with the words. I just want to convince her that the way I felt about Tess...yes, it had been real at the time, but...

But there is no excuse. I had felt something for Tess when we had been together. I had told Liz on the night before we were supposed to leave that I didn't love Tess the way I loved her, and I hadn't, but I couldn't deny it. She had wormed her way into my heart.

It had been so easy to be with her. She didn't expect anything of me. Not like Liz, not like Isabel, not like Michael. She just wanted ME, wanted to make ME happy. Or at least that's what I thought.

Of course, I only found out later WHY she wanted me. But when we had consummated our relationship, I had been giving in because I was so tired of constantly having to live up to what the others expected me to be. Tess had let me give into every selfish impulse I had ever had.

And I had reveled in it.

Yup, I'm one sick bastard all right. I know it. And now Liz knows it too.

"You hated me when you did that with her." I snap my head around to stare at her. She is whispering, but it resounds like a gunshot through my brain.

"What??"

"You did Max. I felt it. You were trying to get back at me. You were thinking about ME when you were with her." I can hear the horror in her voice, the realization of what this means.

It isn't true. I know it isn't. "Liz, no. I swear..."

"Max, you did." She looks at me, her expression suddenly fierce. "How could you have hated me so much that you would deliberately set out to hurt me that way?" She swallows harshly. "I never knew you at all, did I? The person I fell in love with - he never even existed at all, did he?"

I just stare at her. I literally feel like I have been punched in the solar plexus. She is meeting my gaze steadily, but I can see the rage beginning to build in her eyes. "You actually hated me." There is another long moment of silence. She closes her eyes, as though to shut out my face. "I need you to take me home." Liz finally says, climbing to her feet. "This is the end Max. We can't ever be together after this. I cannot ever see that again. I don't want to ever feel that way again - EVER."

I am completely numb. I know its not true, but I have no idea how to make her see it. What I had done with Tess had had nothing to do with her. It had had everything to do with ME and how much I had just wanted to give up. I was positive that I had NOT thought of Liz at all. Now, I know that's not necessarily a good thing, but she had not been involved in my decision at all.

It hadn't really been much of a decision actually. Tess had just been there - like she was always there when I was at my worst, and, finally, I had just given in.

But Liz had seen it. She had looked into my soul and she had seen it. Had she seen some part of me that I didn't even know existed?

Because, although I had been angry and hurt and completely out of control at that time, I had NEVER hated Liz - at least not so that I was aware of it.

We are driving again. I pull up in front of the Crashdown after what seems like moments, but has really been another fifteen minutes. I realize that this might truly be it. I may never actually speak to Liz Parker again.

I have to try and convince her. At least once more. "Liz, please...I don't know what you saw, but I'm telling you, I NEVER felt that way. I swear it."

Liz is staring out the front windshield of my parent's car, her expression completely shuttered. She doesn't even look at me. "Max, I saw it."

"Liz, it can't just END like this. Please." And then I just throw all caution to the wind. I will never forgive myself if I don't say what my entire soul is screaming. "I love you."

Finally, she turns to look at me. "I know you do. But this thing between us Max...its destructive. I can't ever be with you. Spending time with you only makes it worse. Sean..." She stops abruptly.

I feel a flash of rage. Sean. Sean Deluca. He had said something to her, something that has made her decide this is the only way. "What about Sean?" I demand, unable to control the snarl in my tone despite myself. I instantly regret it because she tenses up and glares at me.

"Sean was right. I will never be able to move forward as long as you are in my life." She says it coldly, cutting right to my heart. "I'm tired of looking back Max. Whoever it was I fell in love with, you are no longer him."

I can't even speak because I know its not true. I am still him - I am still the same person.

The only difference is that I am completely lost, adrift, and now I am never going to find my way back home.

I can't do it without her.

"I just want to say it once more." Liz's eyes are beginning to fill with tears, but her tone is still controlled and frigid as she says, "Thank you for saving my life. I swear it won't be for nothing. I'm going to make something of it."
She says it with utter certainty and I know its true. And she's going to do it without me.

"Goodbye Max. I hope you find your son. I guess I'll see you at school."

She is gone. And she doesn't look back.

****************************************************

I am lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, willing myself to fall asleep.

All I want to do is to let myself tumble into oblivion.

But I doubt it will even help. I'll probably just dream about Alex again - and Sean and Liz together. More dreams where my guilt and fear and jealousy and hate start to suffocate me.

I wonder if maybe I should get up and go over to Tess's. At least I can look around there - see if there's anything that gives me some kind of clue as to what the hell Tess did to Alex, exactly how her plan went forward...and who the mysterious Lazar is.

It is the only thing I can do right now. I have no idea where to even start looking for my son. It is all completely hopeless. I am never going to find him and the one person who was determined to make sure I did is now gone.

But I can try and help Alex. Because that dream is still haunting me. It had to mean something. It had to!

There is no way my parents are going to let me out this late with the car - not after the Jeep fiasco, so I just open my bedroom window and climb right out.

It's a warm evening. It is late May after all. I thrust my hands into my pockets, kicking at a rock on the sidewalk. My mind is a complete void. I am refusing to think about anything, because if I do, all I will think about is Liz.

As of this moment, my emotions are on complete lockdown. I refuse to think about that scene this afternoon. If I don't think about it, it never happened. There is still hope.

I am concentrating so hard on NOT thinking, I almost smash into Michael before I realize that he's there.

"Jeez! Maxwell! Watch where you're going!" My best friend is glaring at me, but he's not really mad. "Where the hell are you off to? I was just coming to talk to you!"

Trust Michael to sound annoyed that I might potentially have something better to do than to sit on my bed waiting for him to show up to talk to me. I just roll my eyes. I am so NOT in the mood to deal with him. "What?"

Michael eyes me for a moment. "What's wrong?" He demands instantly.

"Nothing's wrong." I reply. "I'm just going over to the Harding house to check out some stuff."

"Max, you better not be keeping something from me." Michael growls, falling into step beside me. "I'm coming with you. There is absolutely no reason for you to go to the Harding house unless you're looking for something. And since I know YOU, I know that whatever it is, I should know about it. I also know that you won't tell me unless I find out myself and so I'm coming."

I just stare at Michael. "Are you quite finished?" He scowls, nods curtly. "Fine, you can come. I really don't care."

This stops Michael in his steps. "Okay, something is really wrong. What's going on? Tell me Maxwell. Now." And then, just because he does know me... "It's Liz, isn't it?"

I scrub my hand across my face wearily. "There is no more Liz Michael. We're through. For good."

"That's bull. What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Maxwell..." Michael trails off warningly. For God's sake! Can't a guy even brood in peace!

"She kissed me and she got flashes of me and Tess together." I yell. "There! Are you satisfied? She says that I slept with Tess to get back at her - that I HATED her when I did it. And I don't even know WHAT she's talking about. I know it had nothing to do with her! I was a selfish bastard, yes, but I KNOW that I did not deliberately sleep with Tess to hurt Liz."

Michael just stares at me. "She saw all that from a few flashes?" He demands after a moment. "Jeez. Maria and I have a lot of catching up to do." He mutters. But he is now looking thoughtful, as though the pieces of a puzzle are starting to fall into place.

"What the hell is THAT supposed to mean?" I snap. Of course he's not taking this at all seriously. To Michael, likely to Maria and to Isabel too, Liz and I just need to get over ourselves, need to admit we want to be together.

I can just hear Maria now: "Sure, you made some mistakes Max and Liz, but you're SOULMATES, you BELONG together."

Screw that.

"It means that I don't know what the hell you and Tess did, but you must have been doing something completely weird, because there was no hour long culmination for me buddy." He sounds annoyed. "You're like the flashes/orgasmo king! What the hell? How is any guy supposed to compete with that?"

Okay, now I have no clue what the hell he's talking about. "Pardon me?"

"Maria and me. We did it. And while it was certainly awesome, I don't know how the hell you managed to keep that up for an hour. And what, do you and Liz like have some sort of psycho link to each other's worst nightmares? What is with you man? Why do you insist on always taking everything to extremes?"

I am staring at him, unable to even form coherent thought. "You and Maria? When?" It is the most inane of questions, but I am currently unable to think of another.

"The night before we were supposed to leave." He clears his throat, actually looking embarrassed suddenly. "And last night. But don't tell anyone I told you. She'll kill me."

"And are you saying that Maria got flashes?" I ask.

"Yeah, but nothing like you and Liz. It was all good."

I am suddenly so jealous, all I want to do is punch him. I clench my fists at my sides. "I so cannot hear THIS right now."

I am getting ready to storm away when Michael puts a heavy hand on my shoulder, stopping me. "Max, I need you to listen to me. I think I might have thought of something."

"What?" I snarl. He, being Michael, isn't the least bit intimidated.

"Do you think it was real?" He asks, right to the point as always.

"Was what real?"

"What you did with Tess? Don't you think its all a little too good to be true? I mean the girl proved herself to be the mindwarping queen...maybe she just MADE you think you had one for an hour." He smirks at me. " 'Cause being the expert and all..."

"Would you shut up." I mutter. But he has started something whirling through my mind. A thin slice of hope. "You think that nothing happened at all?"

"I don't mean that. I mean the chick WAS pregnant." Michael sounds actually sorry that he has to say it. "But maybe that whole hour long thing was just something to make sure that she truly kept you in line. I mean, you're a guy. I'm a guy. I know how we think. I know how GIRLS think we think. Hour-long culmination. To a girl, she'd probably think it was manna from heaven for us. I mean, not that it wouldn't be, but what there is ain't so bad either." He smirks again. "Hell, if she was mindwarping you, maybe you DIDN'T have sex with her - she just made you think you did."

Why is Michael doing this to me? Doesn't he know that I would kill for this to be true? And yet, I know it was real. What Liz saw when we connected only reinforces it.

"I think...maybe because Maria's human?" I am playing devil's advocate. "Rath and Lonnie told Tess and I in New York that there was nothing like alien sex. Maybe with humans, its just different?"

Michael looks at me completely seriously. "Maxwell, I'm telling you. When you love the girl, there is NO WAY that there can be anything better, alien or otherwise."

Okay, when did Michael Guerin suddenly become Dr. Love again?

"But the baby..." I trail off. This can't be true. How could she possibly have made me believe it so thoroughly? And Liz had SEEN it.

"Dude, it might not have been yours." Michael says logically. He starts to walk away. "I think I'll let you go to the Hardings by yourself. But think about it."

Like it won't be the only thing I'll think about for the rest of the night.

It is too good to be true. There is no way that this whole dilemma could be resolved as simply as that. And if I was mindwarped, shouldn't it have started to wear off by now? Was Tess really so strong that she could maintain an illusion of such a magnitude, even from the home planet?

And it was then that I remember Amy Deluca.

Because Tess's gift was not just mind-warping.

Tess also had the power to change memories.

And maybe not just mine.

To be continued...