Part 18

[b]Another Time, Another Life - Section G[/b]

"Liz, I really think you should see Max." Maria was curled up on Alex's bed, pictures of their lost friend scattered around her. Mr. Whitman had let them in because she and Liz were working on a memorial spread for the yearbook, but they weren't getting much accomplished. The talk had been all Czechoslovakian since they had arrived, just like it always was.

Liz was sitting at Alex's desk, scanning through the files on his computer, looking for any sort of clue as to what he had been doing in the months leading up to his death, anything of which they might have been unaware. Maria [I]knew[/I] this, but, as usual, she was being distracted by concerns not of this world.

Before, it would have been Liz who was distracted. She knew it and it annoyed her now. Immensely.

Both of their lives had centred around the aliens and [I]their[/I] problems for so long, they couldn't even seem to take a break from it in order to honour Alex. It only made Liz's inner rage burn more brightly.

"No." Liz replied firmly. "I don't have time to see him right now."

And she didn't. She had found her first concrete clue about what might have happened to Alex that morning. She had finally heard back from the Swedish Embassy about the building in the background of the picture of Alex and Leanna. It turned out that it had been torn down years before, did not even exist anymore, which meant that Alex had never had his picture taken there. It also meant that Alex might [I]never[/I] have gone to Sweden. Now she just needed to figure out where he [I]had[/I] been during those months and she might finally be getting somewhere.

"Liz, he's losing it." Maria continued quietly. Liz tried to shut her out, didn't want to know about it. "Tess is getting weaker. If they don't find a way off the planet soon, the baby is going to die." There was a long pause. "He needs you."

Liz's head snapped around. "He needs [I]me?[/I] When [I]doesn't[/I] he need me? When have I ever let [I]him[/I] down?"

"Never Liz." Maria looked pained. It made Liz even more angry that concern for [I]Max[/I] of all people was hurting Maria. Maria had had enough hurt, with losing Alex.

But Liz heard her underlying message. Liz was letting Max down now. She was letting them all down, by blaming Max for Alex's death.

Did no one understand that [I]he[/I] had let [I]her[/I] down?

But, of course they didn't. Because they didn't really understand they both she and Max were to blame for what had happened. Not this Max maybe, but [I]Max[/I] nonetheless.

They didn't understand that in that other time, Alex had [I]lived[/I]. And now he was dead.

Liz knew logically that it was not [I]her[/I] Max's fault that Alex had died. Truly she did. But it didn't stop the way she felt. She knew that she was going to have to deal with Max eventually, but she couldn't do it now.

Alex had always come second. Ever since Max had saved her life that day, Liz had put everything else of import in her life second, including her best friends. Now she owed Alex. She owed it to him to make sure that his memory was not tarnished. She [I]knew[/I] that he hadn't killed himself and she refused to allow anyone to say so.

If it meant Max had to wait, then that's what it meant.

Maria was sighing. She picked up a picture of Alex off the bed and stared down at it. "What are you looking for really Liz?" She asked after another long silence. Liz had turned back to the computer, was still trying to hack into Alex's e-mail.

Liz turned her head. "Do you really want to know? Because this would be a lot easier with your help Maria. You [I]know[/I] that Alex did not kill himself."

"I know." Maria rubbed her eyes wearily. "I just don't know what proving it is going to do Liz. It won't bring him back."

"It might not bring him back." Liz retorted. "But isn't the truth a better memorial than [I]this[/I]," she gestured towards the pictures disdainfully, "Can ever be?"

Maria's hands were twisting in her lap. She took a deep breath, glanced down at the pictures than back up at Liz. "Yes. Okay. You're right."

Liz smiled for the first time in days. A intense feeling of relief flowed through her, making her lightheaded. It would be [I]so[/I] much easier with help. She was tired of being alone. This was something she and Maria should be doing together - for Alex.

Maria pulled up a chair, joined her at the computer. "How is reading Alex's e-mail going to help?" She asked after a few minutes of Liz putting in possible passwords with no luck. "Wouldn't it make more sense to use one of the e-mails he sent [I]us[/I] when he was supposedly in Sweden?"

Liz whipped her head around and stared at her. "You're brilliant!" She exclaimed. Liz typed in her own e-mail address, pulled up her old messages. She clicked on one Alex had sent, stared at it.

Maria was shrugging, rolled her eyes. "Well, that might be taking it to the extreme." She stared at the message, read the words as Liz did. "He seemed so happy there." She finally said quietly. "Where do you think he was, really?"

Liz grimaced. She was no computer expert, didn't even know where to start finding out where this e-mail had been sent from.

Alex was the one who would have known how to find out.

She felt tears filling her eyes at the sheer irony of it. Liz brushed them away impatiently. She had not cried over Alex yet, and she did not intend to until she had preserved his memory.

"Lizzie, are you okay?" Maria's arm had come around her shoulders. "It's okay to cry you know."

"No, it's not." Liz stood up resolutely. "We need help Maria. Who do we know who can figure this out for us?"

"What about that guy Derek from Alex's computer club?" Maria asked after a lengthy pause.

Liz smiled again. "Perfect. You go see him."

"What are [I]you[/I] going to be doing?" Maria asked, looking confused.

"I'm going to see Tess." Liz replied. Something had just occurred to her, something she wanted to look into while Maria investigated the computer angle.

The more she looked into Alex's death, the more the entire thing seemed to be shaping up into something almost illusionary. Alex had believed that he was in Sweden - had truly [I]experienced[/I] Sweden. And who knew more about illusions than any of them?

Tess Harding.

Liz didn't think for one minute that it would be easy to get answers out of her worst enemy, but it was worth a try.

She did not, in a million years, imagine that she would run into Max there. If she had, she never would have gone.

But as Tess opened the door at the Valentis, there he was sitting on the couch, looking for all the world like he had been there for a long time and for all the world like he intended to stay there for even longer.

Liz had been in the process of trying to paste on a pleasant expression, hoping that catching Tess unguarded would help her cause. And so she had a half smile, half grimace on her face as Max jumped to his feet.

Their eyes met instantly.

The immediate expression of guilt that crossed his face at the sight of her only reinforced to Liz that something [I]very[/I] strange and [I] very[/I] wrong was going on. He clearly had no idea what to do or say. She saw a vein on the side of his neck convulse.

It looked bad. Very, very bad. He knew it. [I] She[/I] knew it.

Was Max [I]hanging[/I] out with Tess now? This had to be some sort of bad joke. Cosmically bad.

She just stared at him. She knew that her mouth was literally hanging open, but she couldn't seem to make it close.

When she looked at Tess's face, at the triumph that she was making no effort to mask, Liz literally wanted to vomit.

She turned on her heels and ran. There was nothing else to do.

"Liz! Stop!"

She should have known he would come after her.

She didn't want to stop, but she did. Because it would be easier in the long run just to deal with him now.

It would be easier to deal with him now and get it over with.

"Liz, please! It's not what you think."

She had not turned around. He was standing close behind her, like he wanted to reach out and pull her back into his arms but couldn't do it.

His voice was low, desperate. "The baby...It's dying Liz. But we found out that if Tess and I are together, it...I don't know... It feels better or something." There was a long pause. She didn't say anything, just waited. "I know it sounds stupid Liz, but we don't understand anything about it. I connected with it again and it seems to want me near it."

"[I]He[/I] wants you near [I]him.[/I]" She said quietly. "We know he's a boy Max."

He was touching her now, holding her by the shoulders, gently turning her around. "God Liz. Why won't you let me see you? I've been so worried about you." She stared at his chest, refused to raise her eyes to meet his. She knew they would be pleading with her to break down the ice wall she had erected between them, but she just couldn't do it.

If she looked into his eyes she would see all the love that he felt for her, that she [I]knew[/I] that he had for her, because she had seen it when they had made the ultimate connection, what seemed like years ago, but was really only a couple of week. The connection they had made in the desert, when they had completely given themselves over to the fact that they knew that they belonged together, barely stealing those moments before Tess brought their entire world crashing down on them, had showed her how he felt about her, had only reinforced how she had felt about him - [I]still[/I] felt about him if she was honest with herself.

But Alex's death changed everything. [I]They[/I] were responsible for Alex's death. They did not deserve to be together or happy.

She could not let go of her rage. If she did, she would never be able to do what had to be done for Alex's sake.

"I think an alien killed Alex." Liz spat it out, didn't even know where it came from. It was the first time she had even put the speculation into words. It had just been a tiny suspicion in the back of her mind, one that she had not even realized that she really had, until the words were coming out of her mouth.

Hurting him. Deliberately.

And the horror of it was that she knew now that it wasn't because of Alex at all. It was because of Tess. Because he had been sitting on the couch at the Valentis, near her, for the baby's sake, but near [I]her[/I].

She felt Max flinch away from her like she had slapped him. Because, in a way, she had. The tone of her voice, the inflection, he had to know that she blamed [I]him[/I].

He was the alien she [I]really[/I] blamed for Alex's death.

"What..." He was choking on the words. "What do you mean? An a...an alien? Who? How?"

"Alex thought he was in Sweden." Liz replied shortly, refusing to look up at him still, refusing to see the devastation she [I]knew[/I] she was causing. "He wasn't. It had to have been a mindwarp."

There was a long pause as Max digested this. "Are you saying that you think Tess killed Alex?" He finally managed to ask, his tone low, strange. But she knew that [I]he[/I] knew that that wasn't what she really thought.

And so Liz didn't answer.

The inflection in his voice told her that he was beginning to wonder if she had gone insane. "Liz, please look at me. Are you okay? Liz, please, look at me." He repeated, touching her chin lightly, gently forcing her to meet his eyes. "You have to know that Tess did not kill Alex."

She just stared at him. She did know it. Finally she licked her lips and said, "So you don' t hate her anymore."

Max blinked. "What?"

"You don't hate her anymore, do you? You've been spending time with her and she's fooled you again, even though you [I]know[/I] what she is and you don't hate her anymore."

"Of course I hate her." Max hissed. "She is driving us apart! Can't you see that Liz? And you're letting her!"

"No Max. What [I]we[/I] did is driving us apart." Liz told him firmly. "We killed Alex. We may not have held a gun to his head, we may not have driven his car off the road, but [I]we[/I] did it." She could hear her voice beginning to rise hysterically. She was trying to control it, trying to stay strong, but it was like she had no more control over herself.

Seeing him with Tess like that, like they were a happy couple, sitting around waiting for their baby to be born, it had been the last straw. She was beginning to let go of her thin hold on her self-control. She wanted to hit him, hurt him, [I]kill[/I] him, just like they had killed Alex.

"Liz..."

"It might not have been [I]you[/I] Max, but it would have been eventually. Because if we hadn't screwed with the timeline, that would have been [I]you[/I] who came back. And it was definitely [I]me[/I]. We did it. Alex is dead because of us."

"Liz, this is crazy!" Max exclaimed. "Be mad at me because I couldn't heal him if you have to be, but you can't [I]really[/I] blame yourself for this! There was no possible way you could have known this way going to happen! You had no choice. The world was going to end!" He ran his hands through his dark hair in frustration.

She had a flash of her own hands sliding through that black softness, only weeks before, as he took her places she hadn't even imagined existed until she went there in his arms.

Liz closed her eyes, turned her back on him again. "I do Max. Blame myself that is. And the problem is, while I have no choice in having to live with [I]myself[/I], I do have a choice where you're concerned."

She could not believe that she was saying these things. It was like she was standing outside of herself, watching as she hurt him, watching as she did her [I]best[/I] to hurt him.

This was Max. And she hated him.

But the horrible part was that she loved him too and it made her hate him even more.

She actually [I]felt[/I] the moment when he understood what she was saying to him. She felt the pain rip through him, as though she had shot him.

But when he spoke, his voice was surprisingly calm. "What are you saying? Are you saying you want to break up?"

"I'm saying I want us to stop pretending that this is going to work." Liz whispered, loud enough so that he could hear her. "You are going to go back with her and it's what's meant to be and I'm okay with it, because I will never get past what we have done."

She wanted to walk away then. She really did. But she knew that he had the right to say something, anything to try and fix this. To fix [I]her.[/I]

But he didn't. He spoke and she felt her heart stop, despite herself, because he truly sounded dead when he said, "I can't believe you actually think this is going to make things better. Do you actually think that this is what Alex would have wanted? If you do, then I guess none of us really knew him at all. Because the Alex I thought I knew would not have wanted this. Not in a million years."

And he left.

*****************************************************

It was only when she managed to make it back to her room that she understood what she had done. She had broken Max's heart and she had broken her own. On purpose and without remorse.

And she still felt none. It was what had to be.

They needed to be punished. Both of them. They did not have the right to be happy when Alex was gone. It wasn't fair. He had not been meant to die and they had killed him and so she refused to allow them to be happy.

Maria found her there hours later. She was excited. Liz stared at her, knew that she was a zombie, but Maria didn't notice because she had the information they needed.

Las Cruces. Alex had been at the University of New Mexico for two months.

So they went. They found Leanna, then lost her, then Michael found [I]them[/I] and they found the book which solved Max's problem, which told them that the granolith could take them home.

Alex had been translating the book which gave Max and Michael and Isabel and Tess a way home.

And he had been killed because of it. Presumably by Leanna, who had to be an alien.

The completely ironic thing was that Liz could not bring herself to care. She had been right, Alex had been avenged, and all she wanted to do was go home, curl up into a ball, and die.

But Leanna was not the [I]real[/I] killer. Oh no. That honour was reserved for her - and Max.

Because now that she had proven that Alex's death was not an accident, she had to begin to live with herself. There was no more quest to hide behind.

And she could not live with herself.

Michael told Liz that he and Max would take care of it, that he would tell Max everything and that Max would probably want to see her later. Liz just nodded mechanically.

No one knew what Liz had done, that she had deliberately broken her own heart and destroyed Max's.

He would [I]not[/I] be coming to see her. He would leave and they would both suffer and maybe it would be enough to assuage her guilt.

[I]Do you really think this is what Alex would have wanted?[/I]

Max's voice haunted her, because she knew that he was right. There was no way that this is what Alex would have wanted, for her to deliberately destroy her only chance at happiness, because Alex had loved her.

But it was what [I]she[/I], Liz, wanted.

Because it was the only way she could live with herself.

**********************************************************

"They're gone."

Maria was at her window, peering in at her. Liz was lying on her back on her bed, staring straight up at the ceiling, wrapped in the frozen void she had somehow managed to reclaim.

She had broken down, finally, the night before, but now the cold was back. It was comforting.

Liz turned her head and took in her best friend's tear-streaked face, the fact that she was wearing the same clothes that she had been wearing yesterday when Liz had last seen her, because Maria had come to her, demanding to know what she had done to Max, why he thought that she wouldn't see him before they left.

"Did he send you?" Liz had asked wearily at the time.

"No. He told us to just leave you alone, that all you wanted was to be left alone." Maria had snapped back. "I can see that he was right. You're enjoying your pity party for one." And she had left then, telling Liz as she went that she was not going to waste Michael's last night on Earth with Liz, because Liz was throwing away the best thing that had ever happened to her and if Alex could see her now, he would be ashamed.

"Alex didn't want me with Max!" Liz had wanted to scream after Maria. But she knew, deep down, that this was untrue. Alex had only ever wanted her to be happy, had only ever wanted what [I]she[/I] wanted.

It was Liz who wanted to make herself miserable.

Now, as Liz turned her head back to stare at the ceiling again, as she felt the bed dip beneath her as Maria joined her, angry at her still, but always her best friend, she felt Max's loss like a physical pain.

Funny how, even though it was what she wanted, if didn't make her feel any better.

"Oh God Liz. It just hurts so much." Maria sobbed beside her. And, somehow, Liz found the strength to bring her arm around her, to try and comfort her. Because Maria should not be in pain. Maria had done nothing wrong.

It seemed to work, because Maria stopped crying eventually. And so they were both lying there in silent, stunned grief that they were really living through this, when the phone rang.

It was Kyle.

*****************************************************************

"Can't you make this rust-bucket go any faster?" Maria was shrieking from the passenger seat of her mother's Jetta.

"It's [I]your[/I] rust-bucket!" Kyle yelled back.

"I still don't understand this Kyle. How did you remember all this?" Liz demanded from the back seat.

How could every thing have changed again so quickly? How could Liz's entire being suddenly be centred on the fact that Max's life was in imminent danger and all she could focus on was getting to him in time to save him, when all she had wanted to do an hour ago was hurt him?

"I don't know!" Kyle shrugged in frustration. "I was just sitting in her, my, whatever, [I]the[/I] bedroom, and I remembered! She killed Alex and I saw her do it and she mindwarped me to forget it!"

The supreme irony was not lost on Liz. Max had flat out asked her if she thought that Tess had killed Alex. She had not thought that, had accepted that it was some random alien named Leanna, had never dreamt that it was [I]really[/I] Tess.

But how could she [I]not[/I] have known? Because she knew what Tess was, knew what Tess had done to Max at the Prom.

Yet, she had been so wrapped up in blaming herself, in blaming Max, that she had let this crucial bit of logic fly right past her.

And because of this fact, Max and Michael and Isabel were going to die. Because she [I]had[/I] to be leading them into a trap. There was no other explanation for any of this. The whole pregnancy had been a ploy to get them to take her home.

She had known that none of them would ever go on their own. They needed a reason to do it. Max's reason was the baby. Isabel's was Max. And Michael's was both of them.

But maybe it wasn't a trap? Liz reflected now, her mind clearer than it had been since before Alex's death, since before the Prom actually. It was crystal clear now, like it had been after she and Max had made love for the first time, joining together, their souls intertwining, touching the stars and tapping into something that very few people likely ever experienced.

And she had been willing to throw all of that away. Alex would never have forgiven her. What had she been thinking?

But maybe Tess was right. Maybe this was what was supposed to be? Max and the others were supposed to go back, would be welcomed with open arms. Because wasn't that what their mother's message from the orb had said all those months ago - that the planet was waiting for them to return and free them?

Yet Liz knew this wasn't true. Because if they were meant to go back, why had she and Max met? Why had their souls spoken to each other?

And Liz understood. Alex's death had all been a part of it, a way to drive the wedge between them. It was diabolical, but it made perfect sense. Tess had understood better than anyone it seemed that, in the end, Liz would not give Max up over simple betrayal of herself.

It had taken the betrayal of her best friend for her to turn on him. And he hadn't even done anything. Max had tried to heal Alex. He was a boy, could not bring back the dead, and was in no way to blame for what a future version of himself had brought about through his meddling.

Liz could blame herself, but she had been wrong to blame Max.

She just hoped that she had a chance to tell him so. She glanced at her watch. According to Maria they were leaving at 7AM sharp. It was 6:50 and they still had ten more minutes at least before they reached the pod chamber.

And, in the end, it was too late. She could not save him.

There was a moment of breathless anticipation when she saw two figures standing on the rocks, below the pod chamber - or where the pod chamber used to be anyway. The whole top of the mountain had been blown off, was completely gone.

Liz threw herself out of the car, running as fast as she could, knowing that Maria and Kyle were behind her. She recognized Michael and Isabel, staring off into the sky. Hope was filling her veins, pushing her on.

He was still there, had to be. Where was he? She scoured the rocks frantically, ready to throw herself at him, to beg his forgiveness.

It was only when she reached Michael and Isabel that she saw their devastated faces.

"He wouldn't let us go. He shut us out of the pod chamber." Isabel was collapsing against Michael as Liz came to a dead stop beside them. "He left without us! How could he do this?"

But Liz knew how. He had known. Somehow he had known what was going to happen. And he had gone anyway, leaving his sister and his best friend behind, refusing to take them to their deaths.

He had left, believing that Liz hated him, and he was going to die thinking the same thing.