[b]Part 28 - "Out of the Shadows" - Liz POV[/b]
[I]Crouching down inside a deep ravine,
Those angry cries pass quickly by, he can't be seen.
So many ways spent hiding in so many undone plans
Forgetting what it's like to fight when no one understands.
Close call there in the shadows,
There's a fear in the dark.
There's no one out there.
All those memories, pain and anger, flood back one by one.
They must be just around the bend, they always come.
At night as I lay sleeping they come to me in herds.
Their lies remain, the dreams the same, it's only fleeting words.
No one calls there in the shadows,
There's no end to the dark.
But there's no one out there, no one but me.
The hours pass so slowly, the life's slipping out of me.
No way's the right way.
Is there a way out for me?
My life's slipping out.
Rising up, the night is done, and now the bright lights come.
Held back in my pitied world where everything's undone.
A cold wind blows right through me, I'm made a hollow shell.
There's nothing left, just ash remains, enrich the soil, no soil, no soil.
Close call there in the shadows,
There's an end to the dark.
Cause there's someone out there,
Someone like me.
The hours pass so slowly, the life's slipping out of me.
No way's the right way, is there a way out for me?
The hours pass so slowly,
The life's slipping out of me.
Is there a way out for me?
The hours pass so slowly
The life's slipping out of me
Is there a way out for me?
There must be a way out for me.
Sarah McLachlan[/I]
It is shocking to live your own death and yet strangely peaceful at the same time. I know now that I will never fear it again. But I will always regret it as well - that I died so young in that other timeline, that I left Max all alone to raise our daughter, that I didn't get to see her grow up.
All in all, it was just plain weird and wrong - like maybe this whole experience has been, because what have I really learned anyway? - and I hope to never have to go through any of it again.
Because when I open my eyes, I am most definitely [I]not[/I] dead any longer. Although I'm not really sure what I am.
I am back on the plain of stars - inside the granolith if Ava's past explanation of this place was truthful. I really don't know what to believe anymore. All I know is that if I hadn't thought things could get worse than in my own timeline, I was sadly mistaken.
Alex dead. Kyle [I]dead[/I]. Max's mother dead.
Me. Dead.
I know you're all dying to know what happened to everyone after my death in that other timeline, but I can't tell you. Not yet anyway. But I have a feeling that is about to change.
Because I am not alone.
It has taken me a moment to get my bearings, but the instant I do, I feel my eyes widen. I stare from one to the other, unsure what to make of their presence.
I know both of them of course, but I don't know from where. From what timeline I mean. Are you confused yet? Because I sure am, but you will understand when I tell you exactly who has joined me in this alternate dimension, or whatever the heck you want to call being inside the granolith.
One of them is Max of course. I'm sure that doesn't surprise you. I barely resist the urge to go throw my arms around him to comfort him. His expression is so guilty and tortured and remorseful and pained - you can choose your own Max Evans adjective. You've seen the expression on his face as often as I have. And the love is there too, shining steadily in the dark eyes I now know he bestowed on our daughter. He may still do so.
Although I don't know anything for sure anymore. Maybe he won't. Maybe she won't ever exist. My heart breaks at the thought, but I cannot deny that it is true.
Because I still don't know anything that changes the fact that in [I]my[/I] timeline, [I]my[/I] Max willingly slept with and impregnated Tess. And I [I]saw[/I] it in those flashes.
And I will never be able to accept it.
I do know that this Max is not [I]my[/I] Max though. He's not the Max from my timeline I mean. He is older and grayer and he is even more beaten down then my Max was the last time I really spoke to him - when I told him that I couldn't ever be with him again because I could not get past the fact that he had slept with Tess. Seeing him at Tess' house before Ava kidnapped me doesn't really count of course. We had barely even looked at each other then, the pain of the separation we knew was inevitable still too fresh to deal with head on.
This is Future Max then. But which one? Is he the one who came back to save the world by keeping Tess in Roswell, which resulted in the birth of Sean and an even more disastrous future - at least for me and my friends? I am unsure if the world still ended in that place where Alex and Kyle and Mrs. Evans and I died, but the fact that Ava came back at all leads me to believe that it came pretty darn close.
Or is this a [I]new[/I] Future Max? Is the grief that lingers around him like a shadow a result of the fact that he had to live on without me - that his soul was literally torn in two when I died? Because I don't doubt that it was. I know how I would have felt had he up and died on me. And I had let that happen to me. I had abandoned him.
"Hi Liz."
The other person speaks first, literally bringing tears to my eyes. "Hi Alex." My voice cracks on his name, a smile trembling onto my lips despite myself.
He is just so beautiful to me. Seeing him like this, it only reinforces how much I miss him.
But this isn't [I]my[/I] Alex either. And the fact that he is older too begins to make me understand that this Max is the Future Max I met so many months ago, the one who asked me to break his own heart, the one I had danced with on my balcony, the one I had given up everything for.
Because I somehow just know that this is the Alex that [I]lived[/I]. The Alex who was there in the desert with Max and I on our wedding night in that other life - the one I still don't know much about. This is an Alex who lived through the end of the world and somehow came out on the other side.
"Can I hug you?" I ask. It is a ridiculously stupid question, considering how much I still need to know, but I want to so badly, it is almost painful.
He quirks his familiar grin at me, bringing a lump to my throat. "Of course." He opens his arms and I fly into them. I clutch him tightly, become aware that he is speaking to Max. "Don't be jealous. You'll get your turn - for a lifetime if we fix things properly."
"I'm not jealous," Max replies quietly, sounding offended that Alex would even suggest such a thing.
"You're always jealous," Alex retorts. He pulls back, smiles down at me. "Are you going to pass out Lizzie or can we talk to you now?"
"She won't pass out." I turn my head, stare at Max. He is watching me, his eyes unreadable, his expression serious. But he sounds utterly convinced, like he knows exactly how much I can take. Like he knows just how strong I am.
How can he know when I don't even know myself?
"See Max, I've told you," Alex sighs, sounding exasperated, keeping his arm firmly around my shoulders. "The Liz I know and the Liz you know are completely different people. She can't be strong all the time. She needs others too you know."
"I know." Max rolls his eyes, like this is an argument they've had many times and he knows that he is right, but that he also knows that he'll never convince Alex of it.
It is strange to hear them talk to each other like this - like they know each other really well. The Alex and Max I knew were barely friends. Sure they were bonded by the secret that held us all together, but Alex had always been [I]my[/I] friend. He and Isabel were close of course, but he and Max…not really.
"I'm not going to pass out," I intervene impatiently. I continue to eye Max. If this is the Future Max who screwed up my entire life, suddenly comforting him is the last thing I want to do.
In fact, I really want to punch him. Hard. I can see that he knows it too. He sighs heavily. "I'm so sorry Liz."
"Why did you lie to me?" I demand. I feel Alex's arm tighten around me. "About Serena I mean. Why didn't you tell me who she really is?"
"He had no choice Lizzie," Alex replies for him. Max just looks sad. "If you had known, you never would have done what needed to be done."
I look up at him. "Alex, you died because of him!" The rage I feel at this fact, the complete anger that I had felt at Max in the alternate timeline when I had realized that a future version of him and I had basically killed Alex with our meddling, returns suddenly, making my heart pound unsteadily in my chest. I literally see red spots in front of my eyes. That's how mad I am.
"Liz, it was meant to be," Alex tells me softly. "It had to be. For Sean to exist, unfortunately I had to die."
"So there was no Sean in the timeline where you lived?" I scowl. "Who cares? He's evil. What's so important about him anyway?" I suddenly remember something. "He's not even Max's son!" I continue, knowing that there is a note of triumph in my voice. At least I found out one worthwhile tidbit in my little timeline journey. "Serena existed and so did you before [I]he[/I] had to screw everything up! There was no Sean." I glare at Max, who is clearly upset, but is just as clearly willing to take it.
Because he agrees with me. He's Max. Of course he does. He will always feel guilty that what he is resulted in Alex's death.
"And the world ended," Alex finishes, squeezing me lightly. "You know that Liz."
Max exchanges a glance with Alex, picks up from where my friend left off. He seems to accept that I hate him, appears to like it, because of course he thinks he deserves it. Max and that guilt complex - hand in hand in any incarnation.
Of course I don't really hate him and I force myself to calm down and listen as he speaks. "He's still important Liz. You're right that he's not my son. He is Kyle and Tess's. But that doesn't mean that he isn't meant to play just as significant a role as Serena. It's another reason that the timeline you just left didn't work out." He swallows, looks away. "They never found him you know. Tess raised him and he turned out like the Sean you know in your life - deceitful, insane with hatred, evil, but with a twist I don't even think you [I]want[/I] to know about." I literally see Max shudder. I frown, wondering what he's thinking about. "He's not supposed to be like that," he finishes quietly, not elaborating.
"How do you know what happened after I died there?" I ask. "It wasn't [I]your[/I] timeline."
"No," Max agrees. He looks beyond Alex and I, smiling slightly. I stare at him, confused by the way his face lights up. It's sort of like how he looks at me, but different too. Not as intense and tortured maybe. This is just plain love, without all the baggage.
And it's really, [I]really[/I] weird. Because there is no doubt that whoever he is looking at, he adores her. And I don't even feel a twinge of jealousy.
I know it's a [I]her[/I] even before she speaks. I think I sort of even know who it is, although of course the realization that I do doesn't hit me until after.
The voice is soft - familiar and, yet, not. "I told them."
I feel Alex allowing me to turn, but he still has a firm grip on me, like if he thought I might pass out before, he's even more sure of it now.
She is beautiful. It is the first thought that comes to my mind as I lay eyes on her. Of course she is. I don't know why such a stupid thing is the first I think, but I am clearly in shock.
She is taller than I expected, taking after her father. Her hair is long and dark, pulled back off her face in a style I often employ.
But, it is, of course, her eyes that really tell me who she is.
"I thought you said this wasn't a good idea," Alex is saying, sounding worried. "You said that you were going to stay away from her - that you wanted [I]us[/I] to make sure she was okay, to tell her what she needs to know."
"I know," she replies, shrugging slightly. "But it's [I]her[/I]. I had to see her - just once." Her gaze has not left my face. I feel like she is drinking me in, just like I know that I am doing the same to her.
Because, after all, she doesn't remember me. I died when she was only six months old.
[I]Serena.[/I]
She smiles at me, like she can hear her name threading it's way through my heart. "Mother."
I can't speak. What can I say to this daughter - this child that has not even been conceived yet in my own life, this child who may still never exist?
"You don't have to," she tells me quietly, reading my thoughts again.
"Liz, are you okay?" Alex whispers to me. "She can go. She'll listen to Max. I know this is weird."
I don't move my eyes. I simply nod, manage to say, "I'm fine." I don't let the tears that are threatening fall, instead make myself smile at her.
She, at least, deserves that - a smile from the mother I know she has missed all her life. Because I know Max and I know that he made sure that she knows all about me.
"Tell me. Tell me what happened."
She glances at Max, a Max who is not technically her father, and, yet, still is. It's all confusing of course, but I am beginning to get a grip on who belongs in what timeline.
"First off," she begins, her hands clutched in front of her in a way that makes me stare at them, because I do that all the time. "You can't blame him. You can't blame my father. Any version of him. He's right when he says that Sean [I]has[/I] to exist." She closes her eyes briefly.
I want to comfort her. The pain on her face is excruciating. But Alex holds me firmly in place. "You can't," he whispers.
"I can't do any of this without him," she whispers. And when she opens her eyes again, I understand.
It is horrifying and yet makes perfect sense all at the same time. Because I have seen that expression on my own face in the mirror too many times to count. And every single time was when I was thinking of Max.
She is in love with him.
My daughter is in love with her brother…who isn't really her brother of course. Yet the Sean I know, the one who was willing to kill me, thought he was. He was still utterly convinced that Max was his father.
And, yet, I remember the way he spoke about her, about how he was so determined to make sure that she never existed.
He was in love with her too - in love with the woman he thought was his sister. She knew the truth of course, but he didn't and it is just so terribly twisted, it could only be Tess' doing.
But, in the end, not even the witch was capable of this atrocity. It's worse. Much worse.
But I don't know this yet. Not yet.
"How? How did this happen?" I demand. "Serena? How?"
"I didn't know who he was when I met him," she replies, laughing bitterly. "He didn't know who I was either. But Khivar knew. He wanted to destroy us - both of us, even though Sean loved him like a father - so he made it happen." She smiles sadly at Max again, who is her father but not. "Dad tried to protect me. They all did. But I was so stupid. I played right into his hands."
She turns away, her arms wrapped around her middle. I can see that she can't go on. "Alex?" I turn to him helplessly. "Why can't I go to her?"
Max is the one who replies. I can hear the pain in his voice. Seeing her like this is just as hard for him as it is for me. [I]His[/I] Serena had gone through none of this of course. His Serena had ceased to exist at fourteen years of age after she had sent him back in the granolith. His Serena had not grown up motherless, had likely had a happy, if short, life.
But this is [I]still[/I] his daughter. He still aches for her, just as I do.
"It's sort of like why I couldn't see myself when I visited you in the past," he explains quietly. "We would all cease to exist. We're part of each other. I can't touch her either. It's not quite as extreme as if you ran into your future version…" He blinks as if he has said too much.
I stare at him. "The future version of myself? She's here?" I look around, my heart beating wildly. "What is this place?" I demand, finally wanting to understand where exactly I am trapped.
"It's the granolith," Max shrugs. "We're all here now - any of us who ceased to exist when the timelines shifted that is." He looks right at me. "My Liz is here. She came here after we changed everything. You can't ever see her of course, but she's here." His eyes soften slightly at the thought of her and it makes my heart skip a beat.
Darn him. Can I not just shut my heart off?
"Is [I]everyone[/I] here?" I ask, still unclear as to what he's getting at, ignoring the fact that I want to kiss him, even though he is not [I]my[/I] Max. "Where are Michael and Isabel and Maria and everyone else?"
"Maria's here too. She's busy…" He pauses, frowns slightly. "She's elsewhere. Michael and Isabel died in both timelines." Max looks down. I stare at him in disbelief. "People who die naturally don't come here. That's why the Alex from your timeline isn't here either."
But the Michael and Isabel part is still ringing in my ears. I cannot believe what he is telling me. "So everything we did to save them…it was all for nothing? They [I]still[/I] died?"
"I was fourteen," Serena tells me. "After Michael and Aunt Izzy died - they were both killed protecting me - I just couldn't take it anymore. I ran off to save Dad and Maria and Ava and Uncle Jim. I knew he wouldn't stop coming until he got his hands on me and I knew he wouldn't stop killing people I cared about until he did. I was a stupid teenager, but I knew that I was the one destined to destroy him. We all knew it. I had to protect them all. So I left." She rubs her temples in a manner that is extremely familiar. I know why too. I see Max do it all the time.
Have I mentioned that this is all very weird? Tragic and horrible, but weird just the same. I feel like I am stuck in some convoluted nightmare from which I really want to wake up. That timeline had been so magical in so many ways and, yet, the way it had all turned out…Even just hearing about it…it's almost too much.
But if I wake up, Alex will be gone again, and so will my daughter…and Max. I haven't even touched him, but [I]this[/I] Max…
He is still all mine. He has never slept with Tess at all. He was never with her, not even because he thought she was me.
You'd think I'd be over all of that, considering what I now know that Max and I are meant to be to each other, but it still burns within me, a horror that I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over.
Those flashes…I cannot live through them again.
"So she went after him," Alex continues for her, when it appears that she can't go on. "She inherited stubbornness from both her parents," he can't help but add wryly.
"I was on the run for two years before Sean found me. Khivar had sent him after me, but he didn't know who I was, not right away. I was going by my middle name then." She smiles at Alex. "Alexandra." And then she looks right back at me. "We fell in love. And then we found out the truth."
"And no one ever knew that he wasn't your brother." I close my eyes at the horror of it. "Kyle and I both died knowing it and no one else ever did."
There are still unanswered questions of course. Future Ava had told me that Max was not Sean's father, so they must have found out the truth eventually. And why had Max stopped looking for Sean? I know that he never would have, could never have willingly left a child he thought was his own in Khivar's clutches.
"We found out eventually. Khivar admitted it to me right before I killed him." She looks up, her eyes shining with a strange light. I can see that this woman is no innocent, that she was not allowed to live the sheltered life that Max and I would have both wanted for our daughter. I don't want to know what she did to Khivar to make him tell the truth.
A world where my daughter had to torture and kill…I was glad that it no longer existed. In the end, perhaps Sean returning from the future had been a blessing in disguise.
Because the fact that Serena ever had to go to war…It meant that our plan to destroy Tess and the dupes - to end it once and for all - must have gone awry.
"I [I]did[/I] kill him," she says, her voice completely emotionless. "But it was too late. Sean was already gone." She shakes her dark head, her expression the very image of someone who wishes they were dead. "Back in time to try and make sure that I was never born, because my very existence is the worst thing that ever happened to him. First I stole his father and then I ruthlessly stole his heart too," she finishes bitterly.
"Oh my God." It is all I can say. I have so many questions, but how can I ask her to relive any more of this? It is obviously painful, destructive. And why is she here anyway? Has she ceased to exist in her timeline? Has Sean completely destroyed any chance that she will be born? Did he win?
Or is she safely hiding here until I can fix things? Ava had mentioned something about the granolith being the only thing keeping Serena going when she had first told me about her.
"You can ask Mother." I blink, still a little unsettled by the way she can seemingly read my mind. "I relive it all anyway, all the time."
I look at Max. I can tell that this is as hard for him to hear as it is for me. The fact that he had come back in time had resulted in [I]this[/I] horror that was unfolding from our daughter's lips. [I]We[/I] were responsible for this.
"Khivar is responsible." Serena's voice cuts ruthlessly into my thoughts. I can see anger blazing in her eyes. She looks at Alex for confirmation. "They're not learning Alex! Won't they ever [I]learn[/I]?"
"It's a hard lesson Serena," Alex replies quietly. "It's just in their natures to feel the way they do. They're Max and Liz. They always feel responsible. You never knew them like I know them. To you Max was just super-dad and Liz was a dream you couldn't even remember. But the sheer irony of this whole tale is that, considering the otherworldly origins of one of them, they're only human. They make mistakes."
I stare at Max, who looks befuddled. "Um, Alex?" He says finally. "We're standing right here." He sounds a little disturbed. I don't blame him. I feel the same way.
Is this what our guilt had brought us to? Both of us have control issues, I'll grant you, but had our desire to be in complete control at all times, to protect everyone, resulted in so much death and destruction?
I don't know what to say, so I finally just sigh. "I'm sorry. Can I ask you what happened to Tess?" It seems to me that she wants me to know, so I'll let her tell me.
Serena's eyes are still slightly narrowed. She looks strangely like my mother does when she is yelling at me. "The plan worked, but only to a certain degree. Tess was doing some mindwarping of her own it seems. The four square of my father, Isabel, Michael and Ava killed Lonnie and Rath, but Tess managed to escape with Sean." Her expression softens again. "When he found out what had happened to you, my father destroyed Nicholas. Slowly."
I look at Max again. He doesn't look at all disturbed, but, rather, satisfied. I am though - disturbed that is. That my death could have driven Max to go against his very nature, to torture another living being - even if it was Nicholas - I don't like it. It's not what our love is supposed to be about.
But I refrain from allowing the guilt pulsing through my veins to take hold. I can see that Serena is watching me suspiciously, like she knows it's threatening to.
It was Khivar's fault. She's right. None of this was how we were supposed to turn out. His hatred and desire to kill Max had turned the dupes to the dark side, had allowed Nasedo to make the deal that had made Tess a traitor, had destroyed everything Max Evans was supposed to be.
Our daughter will never exist because Khivar planted the seeds so completely in that other life, Sean was able to return to see that it all fell apart even more quickly. We are stuck in a never-ending cycle of time travel that just brings on our own destruction more quickly.
And, suddenly, I understand everything that all of this is supposed to teach me.
If I can't forgive Max, then Khivar wins. He won't die because Serena will never be born and we will never be able to try and fix the mess that Tess created because Khivar wanted her to.
It is this truth about all that tells me the two things I need to know to make everything right again.
The first is that Max and Tess were never together. I know it with every fiber of my being. It is all a trick. It [I]has[I] to be. I just have to prove it.
The second is that we have to destroy the granolith. Because, if we don't, it will only all happen again. Slightly different, yes, but it [I]will[/I] happen.
But, if the granolith is gone, what does that mean for my daughter and everyone else who still exists within it?
I know the answer of course. They will all completely cease to exist.
To be continued…
[I]Crouching down inside a deep ravine,
Those angry cries pass quickly by, he can't be seen.
So many ways spent hiding in so many undone plans
Forgetting what it's like to fight when no one understands.
Close call there in the shadows,
There's a fear in the dark.
There's no one out there.
All those memories, pain and anger, flood back one by one.
They must be just around the bend, they always come.
At night as I lay sleeping they come to me in herds.
Their lies remain, the dreams the same, it's only fleeting words.
No one calls there in the shadows,
There's no end to the dark.
But there's no one out there, no one but me.
The hours pass so slowly, the life's slipping out of me.
No way's the right way.
Is there a way out for me?
My life's slipping out.
Rising up, the night is done, and now the bright lights come.
Held back in my pitied world where everything's undone.
A cold wind blows right through me, I'm made a hollow shell.
There's nothing left, just ash remains, enrich the soil, no soil, no soil.
Close call there in the shadows,
There's an end to the dark.
Cause there's someone out there,
Someone like me.
The hours pass so slowly, the life's slipping out of me.
No way's the right way, is there a way out for me?
The hours pass so slowly,
The life's slipping out of me.
Is there a way out for me?
The hours pass so slowly
The life's slipping out of me
Is there a way out for me?
There must be a way out for me.
Sarah McLachlan[/I]
It is shocking to live your own death and yet strangely peaceful at the same time. I know now that I will never fear it again. But I will always regret it as well - that I died so young in that other timeline, that I left Max all alone to raise our daughter, that I didn't get to see her grow up.
All in all, it was just plain weird and wrong - like maybe this whole experience has been, because what have I really learned anyway? - and I hope to never have to go through any of it again.
Because when I open my eyes, I am most definitely [I]not[/I] dead any longer. Although I'm not really sure what I am.
I am back on the plain of stars - inside the granolith if Ava's past explanation of this place was truthful. I really don't know what to believe anymore. All I know is that if I hadn't thought things could get worse than in my own timeline, I was sadly mistaken.
Alex dead. Kyle [I]dead[/I]. Max's mother dead.
Me. Dead.
I know you're all dying to know what happened to everyone after my death in that other timeline, but I can't tell you. Not yet anyway. But I have a feeling that is about to change.
Because I am not alone.
It has taken me a moment to get my bearings, but the instant I do, I feel my eyes widen. I stare from one to the other, unsure what to make of their presence.
I know both of them of course, but I don't know from where. From what timeline I mean. Are you confused yet? Because I sure am, but you will understand when I tell you exactly who has joined me in this alternate dimension, or whatever the heck you want to call being inside the granolith.
One of them is Max of course. I'm sure that doesn't surprise you. I barely resist the urge to go throw my arms around him to comfort him. His expression is so guilty and tortured and remorseful and pained - you can choose your own Max Evans adjective. You've seen the expression on his face as often as I have. And the love is there too, shining steadily in the dark eyes I now know he bestowed on our daughter. He may still do so.
Although I don't know anything for sure anymore. Maybe he won't. Maybe she won't ever exist. My heart breaks at the thought, but I cannot deny that it is true.
Because I still don't know anything that changes the fact that in [I]my[/I] timeline, [I]my[/I] Max willingly slept with and impregnated Tess. And I [I]saw[/I] it in those flashes.
And I will never be able to accept it.
I do know that this Max is not [I]my[/I] Max though. He's not the Max from my timeline I mean. He is older and grayer and he is even more beaten down then my Max was the last time I really spoke to him - when I told him that I couldn't ever be with him again because I could not get past the fact that he had slept with Tess. Seeing him at Tess' house before Ava kidnapped me doesn't really count of course. We had barely even looked at each other then, the pain of the separation we knew was inevitable still too fresh to deal with head on.
This is Future Max then. But which one? Is he the one who came back to save the world by keeping Tess in Roswell, which resulted in the birth of Sean and an even more disastrous future - at least for me and my friends? I am unsure if the world still ended in that place where Alex and Kyle and Mrs. Evans and I died, but the fact that Ava came back at all leads me to believe that it came pretty darn close.
Or is this a [I]new[/I] Future Max? Is the grief that lingers around him like a shadow a result of the fact that he had to live on without me - that his soul was literally torn in two when I died? Because I don't doubt that it was. I know how I would have felt had he up and died on me. And I had let that happen to me. I had abandoned him.
"Hi Liz."
The other person speaks first, literally bringing tears to my eyes. "Hi Alex." My voice cracks on his name, a smile trembling onto my lips despite myself.
He is just so beautiful to me. Seeing him like this, it only reinforces how much I miss him.
But this isn't [I]my[/I] Alex either. And the fact that he is older too begins to make me understand that this Max is the Future Max I met so many months ago, the one who asked me to break his own heart, the one I had danced with on my balcony, the one I had given up everything for.
Because I somehow just know that this is the Alex that [I]lived[/I]. The Alex who was there in the desert with Max and I on our wedding night in that other life - the one I still don't know much about. This is an Alex who lived through the end of the world and somehow came out on the other side.
"Can I hug you?" I ask. It is a ridiculously stupid question, considering how much I still need to know, but I want to so badly, it is almost painful.
He quirks his familiar grin at me, bringing a lump to my throat. "Of course." He opens his arms and I fly into them. I clutch him tightly, become aware that he is speaking to Max. "Don't be jealous. You'll get your turn - for a lifetime if we fix things properly."
"I'm not jealous," Max replies quietly, sounding offended that Alex would even suggest such a thing.
"You're always jealous," Alex retorts. He pulls back, smiles down at me. "Are you going to pass out Lizzie or can we talk to you now?"
"She won't pass out." I turn my head, stare at Max. He is watching me, his eyes unreadable, his expression serious. But he sounds utterly convinced, like he knows exactly how much I can take. Like he knows just how strong I am.
How can he know when I don't even know myself?
"See Max, I've told you," Alex sighs, sounding exasperated, keeping his arm firmly around my shoulders. "The Liz I know and the Liz you know are completely different people. She can't be strong all the time. She needs others too you know."
"I know." Max rolls his eyes, like this is an argument they've had many times and he knows that he is right, but that he also knows that he'll never convince Alex of it.
It is strange to hear them talk to each other like this - like they know each other really well. The Alex and Max I knew were barely friends. Sure they were bonded by the secret that held us all together, but Alex had always been [I]my[/I] friend. He and Isabel were close of course, but he and Max…not really.
"I'm not going to pass out," I intervene impatiently. I continue to eye Max. If this is the Future Max who screwed up my entire life, suddenly comforting him is the last thing I want to do.
In fact, I really want to punch him. Hard. I can see that he knows it too. He sighs heavily. "I'm so sorry Liz."
"Why did you lie to me?" I demand. I feel Alex's arm tighten around me. "About Serena I mean. Why didn't you tell me who she really is?"
"He had no choice Lizzie," Alex replies for him. Max just looks sad. "If you had known, you never would have done what needed to be done."
I look up at him. "Alex, you died because of him!" The rage I feel at this fact, the complete anger that I had felt at Max in the alternate timeline when I had realized that a future version of him and I had basically killed Alex with our meddling, returns suddenly, making my heart pound unsteadily in my chest. I literally see red spots in front of my eyes. That's how mad I am.
"Liz, it was meant to be," Alex tells me softly. "It had to be. For Sean to exist, unfortunately I had to die."
"So there was no Sean in the timeline where you lived?" I scowl. "Who cares? He's evil. What's so important about him anyway?" I suddenly remember something. "He's not even Max's son!" I continue, knowing that there is a note of triumph in my voice. At least I found out one worthwhile tidbit in my little timeline journey. "Serena existed and so did you before [I]he[/I] had to screw everything up! There was no Sean." I glare at Max, who is clearly upset, but is just as clearly willing to take it.
Because he agrees with me. He's Max. Of course he does. He will always feel guilty that what he is resulted in Alex's death.
"And the world ended," Alex finishes, squeezing me lightly. "You know that Liz."
Max exchanges a glance with Alex, picks up from where my friend left off. He seems to accept that I hate him, appears to like it, because of course he thinks he deserves it. Max and that guilt complex - hand in hand in any incarnation.
Of course I don't really hate him and I force myself to calm down and listen as he speaks. "He's still important Liz. You're right that he's not my son. He is Kyle and Tess's. But that doesn't mean that he isn't meant to play just as significant a role as Serena. It's another reason that the timeline you just left didn't work out." He swallows, looks away. "They never found him you know. Tess raised him and he turned out like the Sean you know in your life - deceitful, insane with hatred, evil, but with a twist I don't even think you [I]want[/I] to know about." I literally see Max shudder. I frown, wondering what he's thinking about. "He's not supposed to be like that," he finishes quietly, not elaborating.
"How do you know what happened after I died there?" I ask. "It wasn't [I]your[/I] timeline."
"No," Max agrees. He looks beyond Alex and I, smiling slightly. I stare at him, confused by the way his face lights up. It's sort of like how he looks at me, but different too. Not as intense and tortured maybe. This is just plain love, without all the baggage.
And it's really, [I]really[/I] weird. Because there is no doubt that whoever he is looking at, he adores her. And I don't even feel a twinge of jealousy.
I know it's a [I]her[/I] even before she speaks. I think I sort of even know who it is, although of course the realization that I do doesn't hit me until after.
The voice is soft - familiar and, yet, not. "I told them."
I feel Alex allowing me to turn, but he still has a firm grip on me, like if he thought I might pass out before, he's even more sure of it now.
She is beautiful. It is the first thought that comes to my mind as I lay eyes on her. Of course she is. I don't know why such a stupid thing is the first I think, but I am clearly in shock.
She is taller than I expected, taking after her father. Her hair is long and dark, pulled back off her face in a style I often employ.
But, it is, of course, her eyes that really tell me who she is.
"I thought you said this wasn't a good idea," Alex is saying, sounding worried. "You said that you were going to stay away from her - that you wanted [I]us[/I] to make sure she was okay, to tell her what she needs to know."
"I know," she replies, shrugging slightly. "But it's [I]her[/I]. I had to see her - just once." Her gaze has not left my face. I feel like she is drinking me in, just like I know that I am doing the same to her.
Because, after all, she doesn't remember me. I died when she was only six months old.
[I]Serena.[/I]
She smiles at me, like she can hear her name threading it's way through my heart. "Mother."
I can't speak. What can I say to this daughter - this child that has not even been conceived yet in my own life, this child who may still never exist?
"You don't have to," she tells me quietly, reading my thoughts again.
"Liz, are you okay?" Alex whispers to me. "She can go. She'll listen to Max. I know this is weird."
I don't move my eyes. I simply nod, manage to say, "I'm fine." I don't let the tears that are threatening fall, instead make myself smile at her.
She, at least, deserves that - a smile from the mother I know she has missed all her life. Because I know Max and I know that he made sure that she knows all about me.
"Tell me. Tell me what happened."
She glances at Max, a Max who is not technically her father, and, yet, still is. It's all confusing of course, but I am beginning to get a grip on who belongs in what timeline.
"First off," she begins, her hands clutched in front of her in a way that makes me stare at them, because I do that all the time. "You can't blame him. You can't blame my father. Any version of him. He's right when he says that Sean [I]has[/I] to exist." She closes her eyes briefly.
I want to comfort her. The pain on her face is excruciating. But Alex holds me firmly in place. "You can't," he whispers.
"I can't do any of this without him," she whispers. And when she opens her eyes again, I understand.
It is horrifying and yet makes perfect sense all at the same time. Because I have seen that expression on my own face in the mirror too many times to count. And every single time was when I was thinking of Max.
She is in love with him.
My daughter is in love with her brother…who isn't really her brother of course. Yet the Sean I know, the one who was willing to kill me, thought he was. He was still utterly convinced that Max was his father.
And, yet, I remember the way he spoke about her, about how he was so determined to make sure that she never existed.
He was in love with her too - in love with the woman he thought was his sister. She knew the truth of course, but he didn't and it is just so terribly twisted, it could only be Tess' doing.
But, in the end, not even the witch was capable of this atrocity. It's worse. Much worse.
But I don't know this yet. Not yet.
"How? How did this happen?" I demand. "Serena? How?"
"I didn't know who he was when I met him," she replies, laughing bitterly. "He didn't know who I was either. But Khivar knew. He wanted to destroy us - both of us, even though Sean loved him like a father - so he made it happen." She smiles sadly at Max again, who is her father but not. "Dad tried to protect me. They all did. But I was so stupid. I played right into his hands."
She turns away, her arms wrapped around her middle. I can see that she can't go on. "Alex?" I turn to him helplessly. "Why can't I go to her?"
Max is the one who replies. I can hear the pain in his voice. Seeing her like this is just as hard for him as it is for me. [I]His[/I] Serena had gone through none of this of course. His Serena had ceased to exist at fourteen years of age after she had sent him back in the granolith. His Serena had not grown up motherless, had likely had a happy, if short, life.
But this is [I]still[/I] his daughter. He still aches for her, just as I do.
"It's sort of like why I couldn't see myself when I visited you in the past," he explains quietly. "We would all cease to exist. We're part of each other. I can't touch her either. It's not quite as extreme as if you ran into your future version…" He blinks as if he has said too much.
I stare at him. "The future version of myself? She's here?" I look around, my heart beating wildly. "What is this place?" I demand, finally wanting to understand where exactly I am trapped.
"It's the granolith," Max shrugs. "We're all here now - any of us who ceased to exist when the timelines shifted that is." He looks right at me. "My Liz is here. She came here after we changed everything. You can't ever see her of course, but she's here." His eyes soften slightly at the thought of her and it makes my heart skip a beat.
Darn him. Can I not just shut my heart off?
"Is [I]everyone[/I] here?" I ask, still unclear as to what he's getting at, ignoring the fact that I want to kiss him, even though he is not [I]my[/I] Max. "Where are Michael and Isabel and Maria and everyone else?"
"Maria's here too. She's busy…" He pauses, frowns slightly. "She's elsewhere. Michael and Isabel died in both timelines." Max looks down. I stare at him in disbelief. "People who die naturally don't come here. That's why the Alex from your timeline isn't here either."
But the Michael and Isabel part is still ringing in my ears. I cannot believe what he is telling me. "So everything we did to save them…it was all for nothing? They [I]still[/I] died?"
"I was fourteen," Serena tells me. "After Michael and Aunt Izzy died - they were both killed protecting me - I just couldn't take it anymore. I ran off to save Dad and Maria and Ava and Uncle Jim. I knew he wouldn't stop coming until he got his hands on me and I knew he wouldn't stop killing people I cared about until he did. I was a stupid teenager, but I knew that I was the one destined to destroy him. We all knew it. I had to protect them all. So I left." She rubs her temples in a manner that is extremely familiar. I know why too. I see Max do it all the time.
Have I mentioned that this is all very weird? Tragic and horrible, but weird just the same. I feel like I am stuck in some convoluted nightmare from which I really want to wake up. That timeline had been so magical in so many ways and, yet, the way it had all turned out…Even just hearing about it…it's almost too much.
But if I wake up, Alex will be gone again, and so will my daughter…and Max. I haven't even touched him, but [I]this[/I] Max…
He is still all mine. He has never slept with Tess at all. He was never with her, not even because he thought she was me.
You'd think I'd be over all of that, considering what I now know that Max and I are meant to be to each other, but it still burns within me, a horror that I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over.
Those flashes…I cannot live through them again.
"So she went after him," Alex continues for her, when it appears that she can't go on. "She inherited stubbornness from both her parents," he can't help but add wryly.
"I was on the run for two years before Sean found me. Khivar had sent him after me, but he didn't know who I was, not right away. I was going by my middle name then." She smiles at Alex. "Alexandra." And then she looks right back at me. "We fell in love. And then we found out the truth."
"And no one ever knew that he wasn't your brother." I close my eyes at the horror of it. "Kyle and I both died knowing it and no one else ever did."
There are still unanswered questions of course. Future Ava had told me that Max was not Sean's father, so they must have found out the truth eventually. And why had Max stopped looking for Sean? I know that he never would have, could never have willingly left a child he thought was his own in Khivar's clutches.
"We found out eventually. Khivar admitted it to me right before I killed him." She looks up, her eyes shining with a strange light. I can see that this woman is no innocent, that she was not allowed to live the sheltered life that Max and I would have both wanted for our daughter. I don't want to know what she did to Khivar to make him tell the truth.
A world where my daughter had to torture and kill…I was glad that it no longer existed. In the end, perhaps Sean returning from the future had been a blessing in disguise.
Because the fact that Serena ever had to go to war…It meant that our plan to destroy Tess and the dupes - to end it once and for all - must have gone awry.
"I [I]did[/I] kill him," she says, her voice completely emotionless. "But it was too late. Sean was already gone." She shakes her dark head, her expression the very image of someone who wishes they were dead. "Back in time to try and make sure that I was never born, because my very existence is the worst thing that ever happened to him. First I stole his father and then I ruthlessly stole his heart too," she finishes bitterly.
"Oh my God." It is all I can say. I have so many questions, but how can I ask her to relive any more of this? It is obviously painful, destructive. And why is she here anyway? Has she ceased to exist in her timeline? Has Sean completely destroyed any chance that she will be born? Did he win?
Or is she safely hiding here until I can fix things? Ava had mentioned something about the granolith being the only thing keeping Serena going when she had first told me about her.
"You can ask Mother." I blink, still a little unsettled by the way she can seemingly read my mind. "I relive it all anyway, all the time."
I look at Max. I can tell that this is as hard for him to hear as it is for me. The fact that he had come back in time had resulted in [I]this[/I] horror that was unfolding from our daughter's lips. [I]We[/I] were responsible for this.
"Khivar is responsible." Serena's voice cuts ruthlessly into my thoughts. I can see anger blazing in her eyes. She looks at Alex for confirmation. "They're not learning Alex! Won't they ever [I]learn[/I]?"
"It's a hard lesson Serena," Alex replies quietly. "It's just in their natures to feel the way they do. They're Max and Liz. They always feel responsible. You never knew them like I know them. To you Max was just super-dad and Liz was a dream you couldn't even remember. But the sheer irony of this whole tale is that, considering the otherworldly origins of one of them, they're only human. They make mistakes."
I stare at Max, who looks befuddled. "Um, Alex?" He says finally. "We're standing right here." He sounds a little disturbed. I don't blame him. I feel the same way.
Is this what our guilt had brought us to? Both of us have control issues, I'll grant you, but had our desire to be in complete control at all times, to protect everyone, resulted in so much death and destruction?
I don't know what to say, so I finally just sigh. "I'm sorry. Can I ask you what happened to Tess?" It seems to me that she wants me to know, so I'll let her tell me.
Serena's eyes are still slightly narrowed. She looks strangely like my mother does when she is yelling at me. "The plan worked, but only to a certain degree. Tess was doing some mindwarping of her own it seems. The four square of my father, Isabel, Michael and Ava killed Lonnie and Rath, but Tess managed to escape with Sean." Her expression softens again. "When he found out what had happened to you, my father destroyed Nicholas. Slowly."
I look at Max again. He doesn't look at all disturbed, but, rather, satisfied. I am though - disturbed that is. That my death could have driven Max to go against his very nature, to torture another living being - even if it was Nicholas - I don't like it. It's not what our love is supposed to be about.
But I refrain from allowing the guilt pulsing through my veins to take hold. I can see that Serena is watching me suspiciously, like she knows it's threatening to.
It was Khivar's fault. She's right. None of this was how we were supposed to turn out. His hatred and desire to kill Max had turned the dupes to the dark side, had allowed Nasedo to make the deal that had made Tess a traitor, had destroyed everything Max Evans was supposed to be.
Our daughter will never exist because Khivar planted the seeds so completely in that other life, Sean was able to return to see that it all fell apart even more quickly. We are stuck in a never-ending cycle of time travel that just brings on our own destruction more quickly.
And, suddenly, I understand everything that all of this is supposed to teach me.
If I can't forgive Max, then Khivar wins. He won't die because Serena will never be born and we will never be able to try and fix the mess that Tess created because Khivar wanted her to.
It is this truth about all that tells me the two things I need to know to make everything right again.
The first is that Max and Tess were never together. I know it with every fiber of my being. It is all a trick. It [I]has[I] to be. I just have to prove it.
The second is that we have to destroy the granolith. Because, if we don't, it will only all happen again. Slightly different, yes, but it [I]will[/I] happen.
But, if the granolith is gone, what does that mean for my daughter and everyone else who still exists within it?
I know the answer of course. They will all completely cease to exist.
To be continued…
