Part 31 - Angel - Max POV

[I]Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance,

For a break that would make it okay.

There's always some reason

To feel not good enough,

And it's hard at the end of the day.

I need some distraction,

Oh beautiful release,

Memory seeps through my veins.

Let me be empty

And weightless and maybe

We'll find some peace tonight.

In the arms of the angel,

Fly away from here,

From this dark cold hotel room,

And the endlessness that you fear.

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie.

You're in the arms of the angel,

May you find some comfort here.

So tired of the straight line

And everywhere you turn,

There's vultures and thieves at your back.

And the storm keeps on twisting

And you keep on building the lies

That you make up for all that you lack.

It don't make no difference

Escaping one last time.

It's easier to believe

In this sweet madness,

Oh this glorious sadness

That brings me to my knees.

In the arms of the angel

Fly away from here,

From this dark cold hotel room,

And the endlessness that you fear.

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie.

You're in the arms of the angel,

May you find some comfort here.

You're in the arms of the angel,

May you find some comfort here.

Sarah McLachlan[/I]

I am staring up at the ceiling of the motel room I am sharing with Michael. He isn't here though, having gone for a walk with Maria. I don't blame him. I am certainly not the most pleasant of companions right now I'm sure. I have been in a state of half-disbelief, half-despair for close to three days.

With the angst-fest you have all been treated to, I am sure that you are not surprised to learn that what you just read was too good be true. You didn't really think that it could be as easy as all that for Liz and I, did you?

Oh, you did? Well, I don't blame you I guess. But it didn't last. Because when we did what we both knew we had to do - when we destroyed the granolith - everything changed again.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me back-track a bit and then I think you'll understand.

Three days ago Liz and I woke up in the desert wrapped in each other's arms and everything was right with my world again.

It was supremely ironic that just when I had figured out that I was going to have to let Liz go if I didn't want to completely destroy who she was, she returned to me of her own volition, whatever she had learned during her time in the granolith obviously having given her the will to try again.

I knew it the instant I looked into her eyes as she returned to awareness, her eyes fastening on my face, a slight smile of acceptance on her lips.

And when she kissed me I felt my heart start to heal itself. Because as much as I had been willing to let her go, as much as I had known that it was what [I]she[/I]needed, it didn't mean that it hadn't almost killed me. My heart had known that it was never going to love anyone ever again - that it would continue to beat for Liz and for Liz alone, even if she didn't know it - and it had broken.

I knew that it was wrong of us to get so lost in each other right then. Our friends were all gathered around us, exclaiming in relief and amazement that we were both safe. I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like for them to see us both just [I]gone[/I] - there with them in body, but not in spirit - merely empty shells.

But I am not a saint after all, especially when it comes to Liz. I think we all know [I]that[/I] by now. And it had been far too long since Liz had kissed me like this - without any pain or fear or despair behind it. I opened myself to her completely, deepening the kiss when I felt her lips part under mine.

I faltered for only a minute when the flashes started. Because I knew that she would be getting them too - knew that they would still be of me and Tess and what we had done together - what Maria in the granolith had confirmed had really happened.

But she had pressed herself against me, twining her hands in my hair, refusing to let it affect her. I could feel her strength of will through the connection that had forged itself so ardently with the intensity of the kiss.

I saw the same flashes I had seen the last time - Liz dancing with the future version of me on her balcony, Liz's heart breaking when she saw me kiss Tess at the Prom, Liz deciding to give herself to Sean, Liz turning away from him, knowing that she was never going to be able to get over me. And I felt the disappointment wind it's way through my veins.

Liz wanted to try again, but we couldn't because what I had done with Tess had left such an imprint on my soul, Liz was going to relive it over and over again, for all time.

I felt my mind racing, trying to come up with a solution. The only one that presented itself was that we never connect so deeply again - that maybe we could be together, just not on the same level we had once shared. Many couples had made relationships work with much less than Liz and I had going for us. We didn't [I]need[/I] the connection.

But I knew, deep down, that it would never work, that we would only be a shadow of what we might have been and I couldn't do it to her. It just wasn't fair.

And so I threw my whole soul into that final kiss, trying to make her understand that I would never love anyone else like I loved her, but that I could not ask her to live half a life with me.

I was going to have to pay for my mistake with Tess for the rest of my life. But she didn't have to. I refused to allow her to.

I kept my eyes closed as she finally pulled back, her lips lingering for one heart-breaking moment. I couldn't stand to open them, to see the acknowledgment of what I already knew on her face. That we still couldn't be together.

"Max, open your eyes." Her voice was soft, coaxing. "It's okay. I knew it would be and it was."

I frowned slightly, but complied, focusing on her beautiful, radiant face. "Liz?"

The brilliance of her smile was blinding. "She's gone Max. It was all a lie. I totally knew it and what I just saw [I]proved[/I] it!"

"What you just saw…" I blinked. "What do you mean?"

"The flashes were different Max," Liz explained patiently. "I knew they would be and they were. You didn't sleep with her."

I just stared at her. "What? Are you sure? But I still remember it!"

A slight crease appeared between Liz's eyes as she thought about that. "I saw it Max. She mindwarped you into kissing her and then you passed out somehow. There is no way you slept with her."

I was overcome with amazement. "I don't understand."

"She must have undressed you and then planted false memories." Liz smiled at me again, cupped her hands on my cheeks so that I couldn't look away. "Do you know what this means Max? Do you? You're still [I]mine![/I] All mine."

I was still frowning, unsure what to make of all this, still had the full memories of what Tess and I had done together. Could I let Liz believe that it had never happened? Could I really do that to her? I thought of Serena, knew that Liz might be willing to live a lie if it meant making sure that our daughter was born.

I still didn't know the whole story behind Serena mind you, but I had seen the way Liz had looked at her - like she was the best thing ever. Liz might be willing to ignore a lot to make sure that Serena came. And, yet, it still seemed just plain wrong…

And what about what she had seen? How could she have gotten those flashes from me if it hadn't really happened?

"Maxwell, what the hell is going on?" Michael's voice had broken through my confusion at that point. I was actually surprised that he had been able to hold off from saying anything for so long. No doubt everyone was a little shocked by my and Liz's behavior. Here we were, apparently just back from the dead, making out and talking about things that no one likely understood.

I sighed, climbed to my feet a little unsteadily, pulling Liz after me. She refused to let go of my hand, was still smiling beatifically, completely happy.

I glanced around at the whole crowd. My sister Isabel, who looked relieved. Maria, who was standing with Michael, her eyes wide and curious. Michael, who just looked ticked by now. The Sheriff and Kyle stood a little apart, but just as concerned as any of the others.

And then there was Ava, who stood near the Jetta, looking solitary and lonely. I swallowed, glanced down.

Sean was gone. I looked back at Ava. "Is he…"

"He vanished," Ava replied quietly. "Something shifted again. Sean doesn't exist anymore - at least not in that incarnation." She shrugs, looks at Maria. "They didn't get here in time with ours and I couldn't use [I]theirs[/I] because you and Liz had it." I know she is referring to the granolith.

"But he [I]does[/I] still exist." Liz stepped forward, squeezing my hand before she let go. "Tess never left the planet guys. I know it for sure." She looked at Kyle. "He's your son Kyle." She blurted it, as though unsure how to break the news to him. Because, of course, she doesn't know that Kyle had already learned the truth.

"I know." Kyle let out a long breath, like he had been holding it until he had what we already pretty much knew confirmed. I saw a set expression appear on his face, determination that we were going to track down his child. He glanced at his father, who simply nodded. "Where do we start?"

"I know that too," Liz replied. "But we have something we need to take care of first." She glanced back at me. "Max, we need to destroy it. We [I]have[/I] to. It's just too powerful. It's wrong to be able to do what Sean did, what Future Max did. We have to live this life and also live with the mistakes we might make."

We hadn't discussed this at all, but we had both come to the same conclusion, me even before I had spoken to Maria in the granolith. I nodded.

Michael interrupted here of course. "Excuse me? Isn't that thing our only potential way of getting home?" He demanded. Maria flinched at that, but Michael brought his arm around her in reassurance. "Someday I mean. Don't we still need to go back and fix our planet someday? On our own terms?"

"He's right Max," Isabel spoke up. "Do we really have the right to make this decision?"

"Max is right." This was Ava. "We're not strong enough to go back anytime soon. We may [I]never[/I] be strong enough. We're too human." Michael, Isabel and I all looked at her. "I never fit in with Lonnie, Rath and Zan, because they were so unemotional, so [I]alien[/I], but I did think we were a Four Square. We always knew about you all, thought [I]you[/I] were the mistakes, that you were too human, that we were the ones Antar needed, but when I learned that you guys had the granolith, I thought that maybe [I]we[/I] were the mistakes. And then I found out that I was never meant to be with them anyway, so I wasn't a mistake after all."

"Is there a point in this?" Michael asked, sounding annoyed.

I frowned at him. "Michael."

Ava looked slightly embarrassed at her long-winded ramble. "The point is, what if both sets were mistakes?"

I stared at her, then met Isabel's eyes. "You mean [I]we're[/I] too human and [I]they're[/I] too alien?" Isabel finally asked.

"Yeah."

There was a long pause as we all digested this. "So then no one has to save Antar, or even [I]can?[/I]" Maria asked, breaking the silence first, being as she can't really handle them for long.

"Maybe," I said. I looked at Liz. She had a sad look on her face, like she thought that this might be hard for me to accept - that I couldn't be the king my people needed me to be because I was [I]wrong[/I] somehow.

But, to me, it felt liberating. Like I was finally free. And as our eyes met, I knew that she understood.

I saw a shadow flit across her face and when she spoke, she sounded upset. "Be that as it may you guys, that doesn't let any of us off the hook. Because I know that Khivar is going to show up someday. I can't tell you any more than that, but I do know it. He's going to attack the Earth and it might end."

"Liz," Maria gasped. "Is it okay to tell everyone this?"

"It's past time to tell everyone," Liz told her grimly. "About Future Max I mean. But I'm not talking about him right now. We can tell that later. I'm talking about Khivar. Whether you guys are mistakes or not, he wants you all dead. He [I]will[/I] come someday. And you all have to be ready."

I saw Isabel shiver. She wrapped her arms around her middle, as though her worst nightmare was being realized. Liz moved forward, took Ava's hand. Ava looked at her in confusion, glanced down, and then back at Liz's face. "You do belong with us Ava. You have to stay. We [I]want[/I] you to stay. You're one of us." She turned, looked at everyone in succession. "We are strongest as a team, a unit. And I'm not just talking about the Four Square, although I think you guys have untapped power you can't even imagine. We don't [I]need[/I] the granolith. We are strong enough without it. And we [I]will[/I] win. You all did last time until Sean screwed it all up by coming back in time. We can do this."

I didn't miss the fact that she emphasized the [I]You all[/I] part. Like she hadn't had any role in the defeat of Khivar in that other life. But I knew that it wasn't the time to ask her about it. She would tell me later…

Because, of course, I didn't know at that point that she wouldn't be able to tell me later.

And, so, my expression was grim as Liz came to stand in front of me. "Max, we have to end this now. We have to get rid of the granolith."

The complete certainty Liz had demonstrated in her little speech seemed to convince everyone. No one protested again.

Moments later, I had one of the crystals in my hand, the one that Maria had buried at the bottom of her purse. Because we only needed one of them - [I]ours[/I]. If we destroyed our granolith, the other one would cease to be after all, being as it was the future version of the one we had found, brought back in time by Ava when she had chased after Sean, who had used it first.

Yes, I know it's confusing, but then timelines and time travel always are. Destroying the damn granolith means that I can stop thinking in terms like this, can concentrate on my own life and [I]my[/I] life alone, can stop trying to keep this all straight in my head.

Of course, destroying it also had a consequence I couldn't have possibly imagined.

I know that Liz went through something extraordinary when she went into the granolith. She never got a chance to tell me about it though.

Because when I took that crystal in my hand, when I broke it in two, when the light that burned from within it was extinguished, whatever it was that Liz had lived there was extinguished as well.

I looked up at her just as I did it and I literally saw the light go out in her eyes, as all the memories she had created disappeared.

And so here I lie on my motel room bed, staring up at the ceiling, knowing that Liz is asleep next door in the room she is sharing with Isabel, Maria and Ava, blissfully unaware of anything she experienced during her journey.

She knows nothing about Serena, nothing about Sean, has even completely forgotten where Tess crashed in the spaceship when she took off.

Now I don't want you to think that she has turned her back on me again. She hasn't - not completely. She doesn't remember finding out that I didn't sleep with Tess, but when I explained to her about the flashes - that they had changed and that she told me what she had seen - she had looked pensive, as though turning the whole thing over in her mind.

Because she has returned to only remembering the [I]bad[/I] flashes. It's like the kiss we shared when we came back to life together never happened.

None of it happened. Not for her. And she's not willing to risk it again. She has been avoiding me like the Plague since we hit the road to find Sean. She told me yesterday that she wants to be friends, that she believes me that I'm not lying when I tell her what [I]she[/I] told me, but she just can't risk it again. She's having a hard enough time still dealing with the first set of flashes.

So we're back to being [I]friends[/I]. Sort of. But not really. It is, quite simply, brutal.

The worst part is, I remember everything. I remember Future Maria, who was living an incomplete life with Michael. I remember Future Alex, the one who had lived in the timeline where Liz and I had married in Vegas and who had visited me in my dream.

I remember Serena. My daughter. [I]Our[/I] daughter.

I don't just remember the granolith and my experiences there either.

I still remember sleeping with Tess. I did it. I know I did. And the fact that Liz doesn't remember her new flashes…It's only reinforcing it for me.

Sean is not my son, but I slept with Tess. And there is nothing I can do to change it.

Why do I remember and Liz doesn't? I just don't get it. How could we have shared something so significant, so life-altering and only I remember?

Am I being punished for what I did with Tess? Is fate finally giving me my just desserts, making me feel like Liz did when she had to keep the secret about Future Max, when she had to stay away from me?

I have never felt so alone. I can't tell anyone about what happened - about what I know about the future. I cannot mess with the timeline that way.

See, even with no granolith, things are messed up. A little knowledge is a very dangerous thing.

Everyone remembers what Liz said about Khivar of course, although she can't remember how she knows. I see the fear that lurks in Isabel's eyes, the barely veiled panic.

She is waiting for him to come for her, is slowly driving herself crazy because of it. But she is helping us to find Tess, despite her terror. She refuses to let anyone talk to her about it, feels like it is her cross to bear because she once, in a past life, betrayed me.

Isabel dreamwalked Tess last night, now that we know she's still on the planet. We know she's somewhere in Canada, that Sean has been born. Izzy got that much. And now we're on the road after them.

It's almost been [I]too[/I] easy. Like Tess knows we're coming. Like she's waiting for us.

I know that this is it - the final showdown. Somehow I know that Tess isn't going to be alone. If we win this battle, we might be able to start to build normal lives for ourselves, still with the shadow of Khivar lurking, but also with the knowledge that Liz had given us that we [I]can[/I] win.

Of course, we don't know how, but I know that she's right. It doesn't mean that it sucks any less that I'm going to have to beat my enemies without Liz by my side.

Because with the loss of her memory, Liz's potential freedom has returned again. And I have gone back to my original resolution that I am going to leave her alone, that I can let her go. I need to do it - for her.

I love her and I would do anything for her - even give her up.

It doesn't make me any less miserable though.

I rub a weary hand across my face, wish that I could just fall asleep, sink into oblivion. I know that I'll dream about Liz, but at least I won't remember it when I wake up. At least I'll feel like I had some relief from this agony, if only for a little while.

A tapping on the door jerks me into a seated position. I roll my eyes. "Michael, I told you [I]not[/I] to forget your key!" I mutter in annoyance as I make my way across the room to let him in. I was really hoping to be asleep by the time he came back so that I wouldn't have to listen to him try and convince me that I had to [I]make[/I] Liz try again - that if she had not gotten flashes last time, all I had to do was kiss her and show her that she wouldn't get them again.

I can't do that to her. It would be like violating her trust. I have told her that I will give her space and I intend to respect that.

But as I open the door and I see that it's not Michael, I realize that I haven't figured out what I am going to do about my resolve to leave her alone if she doesn't [I]want[/I] me to keep it.

Because here she is, biting her lip and looking nervous. "Hi Max."

"Hi." I know that I sound dumbfounded. Liz has not sought me out in three days, has always made sure we're in different cars, that we never end up sitting beside each other when we stop to eat. Like I said, basically acting like I have the Plague.

And now here she is at my door at midnight and she doesn't look the least bit afraid.

"I couldn't sleep," she says, smiling slightly. "Can I come in?"

I frown. "Are you sure you want to?" But I move aside, still holding the door open and she slides under my arm and into the room.

It is only when she stops near the closest bed and turns to look at me, her eyes scanning shyly down the length of my body that I remember I'm wearing only my boxers. I was technically in bed after all, in spite of the fact that my mind has been racing for the past hour, sleep nowhere near ready to come.

I feel heat rising in my face, turn away and grab a T-shirt off the nearest chair. "Is something wrong?" I ask as I turn back, pulling it over my head.

Liz is biting her lip again. "I need to talk to you Max." She sighs. "We can't keep doing this."

I sigh. "Liz, I know. I'm leaving you alone. I'm not going to pressure you into anything. I told you didn't even have to come with us."

Liz doesn't say anything for along moment and then she whispers, "Yes, I do."

"Why?"

"Because I just [I]feel[/I] like I do." I feel the pain of it as tears fill her dark eyes. I cannot stand to see her cry. I just can't take it if I'm responsible for doing that to her - again. "I just [I]know[/I] that we're meant to be together Max."

"Liz…"

"Max, just listen. I've been thinking about what you told me three days ago . I've been thinking about what the others said that confirmed it too. That I came back from wherever I was and I had all this information and I kissed you and the flashes of you and Tess were gone."

"Okay?" I have no idea what she's talking about, but I'm willing to listen. Let's call a spade a spade here. In spite of my resolve, I would listen to Liz Parker read the telephone book to me. The sound of her voice is simply hypnotic.

"And it dawned on me tonight how stupid we've been. We haven't even used the resource that we have right at our fingertips. Because if what you said was true - if you were mindwarped - then those flashes that I got had to have been a mindwarp too."

I feel my heart start to beat erratically. What is she saying? "I don't get it. Resource at our fingertips? What are you talking about?"

"Ava," Liz explains patiently. "If anyone knows about mindwarping, it's her."

"And you trust her enough to ask her?" I pause. "Wait a minute. What do you even [I]want[/I] to ask her?"

"If we've been mindwarped. Shouldn't she be able to tell?"

"I don't know." I can feel my mind whirling. I suddenly remember - I can't believe I forgot this - my tapping fingers on the steering wheel as Maria and I had waited outside the Valentis a few days ago.

That's not the only memory that suddenly pops into my head either. I remember how I found out that Kyle had been warped. I connected with him and saw the damage that had been done to his brain.

I couldn't examine my [I]own[/I] brain, but I could take a peek at Liz's.

But that would mean a connection, which would mean that she would see the flashes.

It is then that I realize that Liz is still talking. "Max, I also thought of something else. If what you say is true, if I didn't get those flashes of you…" she swallows, closes her eyes momentarily, "And Tess the last time I kissed you, then maybe the warp on me has already been taken care of. I mean, it's gone."

"But why would Tess drop the warp on you and not on me?"

"Max, I don't think she's [I]still[/I] warping you. She changed your memories. I don't think she has to actively keep warping you after she's done it. She couldn't have been constantly mindwarping Kyle, Alex [I]and[/I] Mrs. Deluca all that time. She must have changed their memories and that was it. She just didn't know that they would eventually break through the fake memories." I am staring at Liz. I know my mouth is hanging open by now. How is this girl so smart? How is it possible that I constantly forget just how intelligent she is? I feel my love for her making my heart swell as I continue to listen to her.

I am still trying to keep my hopes down though. I can't hope that this is the break I have been praying for.

"The two types of warp are kind of different after all," she continues, clearly on a roll. "What happened to me on the way home from Las Cruces was a little more [I]active[/I] if you know what I mean. If you [I]didn't[/I] sleep with Tess, then I was seeing things that weren't there. I wasn't remembering something. Maybe I was warped to see false flashes on the way home from Las Cruces and because I wasn't warped after we came out of the granolith, I saw the [I]real[/I] flashes."

"Tess is in Canada though Liz. How would she know when exactly to make you see that?" But it suddenly becomes so clear to me, I can't believe I didn't think of it myself.

"Tess didn't [I]need[/I] to do it," Liz replies triumphantly, smiling as she sees that I have put two and two together myself. "She wasn't the only one around with the ability to mindwarp. In fact, in comparison to what Sean was capable of, she was pretty minor league. Anyway, we don't even need Ava to check us out or anything. I asked her about all this and she said it sounds possible."

I cannot believe that all my dreams are potentially coming true. Is this really happening? Is Liz standing here telling me this stuff?

Sean fricking Deluca. Unbelievable.

But it still doesn't confirm that I hadn't slept with Tess. Those memories are still intact in my mind, sitting there taunting and torturing me. And, yet, I know that someone warped me at some point. I had been coming out of it when I had been in the car with Maria.

I look at Liz, just stare at her. "What do we do now Liz?"

She smiles slightly again. "What I've been wanting to do for three days," she replies. "But until I realized all this, I just wasn't brave enough." She takes a step towards me. "I'm going to kiss you now Max and we're going to rid ourselves of her once and for all."

Like I'd say no to that. And, yet, I am still nervous as she reaches up and pulls my face down to hers.

Because what if she does get the flashes? What if we're wrong about this?

But I don't think about it for long because the minute her soft lips touch mine, I am lost.

To be continued…