[b]Part 32 - Hold On - Liz POV[/b]
[I]Hold on,
Hold on to yourself
For this is going to hurt like hell.
Hold on,
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell.
What is in me that refuses to believe?
This isn't easier than the real thing.
My love you know that you're my best friend.
You know that I'd do anything for you.
My love let nothing come between us,
My love for you is strong and true.
Am I in heaven here or am I
At the crossroads I am standing?
And now you're sleeping peaceful.
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And we'll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile across your face.
Oh God, if you're out there, won't you hear me?
I know that we've never talked before.
And oh God, the man I love is leaving
Won't you take him when he comes to your door?
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell?
At the crossroads I am standing.
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And we'll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile to your face.
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
This is going to hurt like hell.
Sarah McLachlan[/I]
I don't allow myself to hesitate as I pull Max's face down to mine and kiss him. I know that one moment of doubt and I won't be able to do it.
It is completely wrong that I am so scared to kiss the person I love more than anyone else in the world. This is what [I]she[/I] has brought us to and the resolve I have that she is not going to win gets me through the first seconds. But it is not enough. I can feel Max opening himself to me completely, as he has every time we have ever kissed. He gasps against me as the connection opens between us - but only in his direction.
"God, Liz…" His hands sweep through my hair, pulling me more closely against him. I am more aware than ever that he is wearing nothing but a T- shirt and a thin pair of boxers. But I am still holding back, enjoying the feel of his body, that he is hard where I am soft, that his lips are gentle and insistent at the same time.
I wonder if this can ever be enough. Could I go through life enjoying a physical relationship with my love, only really knowing him on the surface? Other couples do it after all. It is a rare - almost unique - thing to be able to see into another person's soul. If I had stayed with Kyle, or if I ever get together with another guy, I will not be able to do it.
But this is Max and I do not want half of him. I have had it all and I want it back.
Ironically, it was Isabel of all people who finally made me see it.
I know it has hurt Max that I have been avoiding him for the past three days, but I could not think straight in his presence, at least not the way things still stood between us in my mind. I know that I supposedly had some great epiphany when I went wherever it was Future Ava took me, but I don't remember any of it. The destruction of the granolith has robbed me of the memories I made there - things I likely was not supposed to experience anyway. Future Ava and, yes, even Future Sean, gave me a gift - the gift of insight and truth - one I regret losing.
And, yet, I don't regret it at the same time. Because the reason we destroyed the granolith in the first place was to avoid the temptation of being able to fix our mistakes. I feel it is only right that I have to live my life not knowing what may happen. To know means to live in fear.
I refuse to live in fear. Which is why when Isabel spoke to me earlier tonight, I was willing to listen. It was not that Max's sister said anything about Max persay. But what she did say reminded me of the kind of person I want to be, the kind of person Isabel is trying to be.
Isabel lives in fear now. She knows, thanks to me, that Khivar, the person she once betrayed her brother for, will come for her one day. I don't believe that she will do it again - Isabel is a different person now - but I know that she is afraid that she might. She misses Alex desperately, regrets that just when she had accepted that she belonged with him, that he made her strong, what she was killed him. I know Isabel feels this way, that she blames herself for what Tess did to my best friend. Just like Max does. Just like I used to - that because I pulled him into the alien abyss, he died.
Isabel is not to blame. Tess' actions were her own. Just like what she did to Max she did on her own. From what Maria has told me, I was completely certain when I returned from that other world that Max had [I]not[/I] slept with my enemy, that he was mindwarped. She even told me that she saw him begin to come out of it while I was missing, which reinforced to her that I was not wrong.
And, yet, I was still scared to follow my heart, to go to Max, to try again. Because I couldn't remember any of that. All I could see in front of my eyes was Max and Tess, entangled, entwined, doing things that only I was supposed to do with him. Things that we were told had made a baby, but which had not made [I]their[/I] baby, and, yet, it had still happened. He had still slept with her.
But I'm getting off track again, I am losing myself in my fear. Following your heart, like my grandma made me promise to do, means that you have to get past your fear. I forgot that for a while, but I will never forget it again.
Anyway, Isabel came to see me. I think she needed someone to talk to about her fear and felt that it couldn't be either Max or Michael. They both trust her implicitly, [I]know[/I] that she will never do anything to hurt them. But she does not know this about herself and she wanted to try and deal with what is brewing inside of her with someone who will listen without prejudice - someone who does not know her one way and one way alone. Before it would have been Alex, but since Alex is gone, I think Isabel considers me the next best thing.
As I listened to my friend, as she spilled out her terror, her grief for Alex, her lack of knowledge of herself, as she sobbed with her head in my lap and I stroked her blonde hair, trying to comfort this poor girl who always seems so strong and icy, but who is really so loving and afraid at her core, I had my epiphany.
I love Max and I don't want to live without him. By running away from him, I was doing exactly what Isabel was - trying to ignore my true nature, trying to run away from my own heart. Isabel had done it with Alex and now she was going to have to go on without him, knowing that she wasted all those months, knowing that maybe if they had been together she would have clued in to what Tess was doing, could have stopped her.
As I soothed Isabel, as I told her that none of it was her fault - because it wasn't of course - I began to realize that I had to give Max and I once last chance. I had to do what Isabel was trying to do. I had to follow my heart. But to do it, I had to know once and for all if what I had found out was possible - that Tess really could have created such elaborate illusions, that she really could have changed Max's memories so completely that even he still believes he slept with her, even though we know the truth about Sean.
When I spoke to Ava I was reminded of the day that I went to speak to Tess while I was investigating Alex's murder. I had learned nothing on that day except that I had been completely wrong about the kind of person Max Evans was. It still hurts to think about how rude he was to me that day, but it wasn't [I]him[/I] I realize now. Because Ava did not only confirm for me that there are two kinds of mindwarps, she actually told me there were three.
Not only can mindwarpers make people see things that aren't there and change memories, they can also change [I]behavior[/I]. If a mindwarper is connected enough with their victim, they can actually make them act totally out of character, basically control them at their whim. And all of Max's weird behavior after Alex's death suddenly began to make sense - how he grabbed me in the hallway that day, the way he had screamed at me on the highway when I was on my way to Sweden.
She had changed him because he had trusted her. If he was to blame for anything, it was that fact alone. And have I not [I]always[/I] known that Max is too trusting? Often he is right in who he trusts - me, my friends, Valenti - but the one time he made a mistake - with Tess - it had been a huge one.
He should not have to pay for the rest of his life for that mistake. I know that he will pay, inside, that he will always blame himself for what happened to Alex, but, in the end, what had he really done to me? If I was right - if I had been right when I returned from wherever it was I had been - then he had been mindwarped the whole time and now I only had to pull him out of it.
Which is why I find myself kissing him now, enjoying it but not allowing myself to completely let go.
It's one thing to tell yourself that you're going to let go of your fear. But sometimes fear has a mind of it's own, refuses to let go it's icy grip around your heart.
I am stronger than any fear. I have never been afraid of Max, not since he first told me the truth about himself, and I refuse to begin now.
And so, finally, I let go and open myself up to him.
He knows exactly when I do it to because I feel him shudder against me. "Liz," he whispers against my ear, kissing me lightly on the lobe before bringing his mouth back to mine. I open my lips, allow his tongue access, feel him pulling on my bottom lip with his in that way that nearly drives me insane with longing for him.
When the flashes begin they are completely different from the ones I remember - the ones that almost killed me and [I]did[/I] make me literally ill.
[I]Flash*
Max, suspicious of Tess as she gives him a shirt as a gift, but he feels bad so he accepts it.
Flash*
Max watching me with Sean at the UFO Museum during the hostage situation, not understanding why I am so angry at him, not understanding why we are drifting apart again.
Flash*
Max connecting with Brody and suddenly assailed with images of another planet, another life. It is all familiar, and yet, not, at the same time.
Flash*
Max tries to tell me about the memories, tries to tell me how exciting and yet, frightening it all is. He feels disappointment when I barely listen, but he is absolutely thrilled when I ask him if we can go to the Prom together.
Flash*
His heart thundering with love, Max sees me across the Crashdown when he comes to pick me up for the Prom.
Flash*
Max, devastated, listening to me tell him that I feel suffocated by our relationship, that I am constantly waiting for him to remember Tess, that I can't do it any longer. He watches me walk away, considers going after me but wonders if I am right. Maybe he has no choice but to prove me right or wrong, once and for all.
Flash*
Max kisses Tess in the hallway of the high school. He feels drawn to her and, yet, as their lips meet, he feels nothing. It is not the same as kissing me - it is just wrong. He knows deep down that he will never love her - that the memories he has mean nothing. He breaks away from her, tells her so. Her eyes glitter strangely as she nods her understanding. "But at least we can still be friends Max."[/I]
It is then that the flashes start to become fuzzy, as though they are trying to break through, past a heavy web of intrigue and deceit. Max watches his own behavior as though from a long way off - knows that the way he is treating Isabel and I is not [I]him[/I] and, yet, he cannot stop himself.
[I]Flash*
Max, at the Observatory, thinking about what is happening to him. He knows that something is wrong.
Flash*
Tess appears. He tries to tell her what he is feeling. His confusion is utterly heartbreaking, because, after all, she has been messing with his mind for weeks now. "My whole life I've wanted to be this person, this normal person. Human. My whole life I've been thinking that this alien side of me was this bad thing. This thing that made me a freak. This monster. I realize that I haven't just been hiding from the government and the law all this time. I've been hiding from myself. I don't know what's going on anymore. I thought I knew but I don't. I've lost everyone." He thinks [/I] I need Liz. I need the Liz who loved me in spite of everything. With her I am found - I am who I want to be.[I] And then I am there, in [/I]his[I] eyes she has become me, and he is kissing me and all is right with his world again. "I'm ready to wake up now." They are his words to [I]me.[/I] He is tired of simply dreaming about me, he wants to [/I]be[I] with me.[/I]
These are Max's memories of what happened, and, yet, underneath I see flashes of what he saw with his eyes, but not with his mind. I see Tess kiss him while he sees [I]me[/I]. I see her pull him down with her and he lays his head in her lap and cries, admitting that he knows that what he is killed Alex and that he doesn't deserve me. He thanks me for coming back, promises that he will help me find out the truth.
He falls asleep.
And I know with absolute certainty that he did [I]not[/I] sleep with Tess or with who he thought was me or [I]anyone[/I]. Absolutely nothing happened.
In the next flash he has woken up and he is naked and he finds Tess in his arms and the horror of it is almost beyond his comprehension. He remembers every detail of what they did together and he knows that he has lost me for good.
I can feel the tears streaming down my face as I pull back and stare up at him.
My love.
His eyes are closed and I feel him sigh. I can't tell if he is upset or happy. It is a very ambiguous sigh.
"Max," I whisper. "Open your eyes."
He does, bringing his forehead down to rest against mine. "What did you see?" His voice is low, afraid.
"I saw that you love me," I reply, smiling through my tears. "I saw exactly what I've always seen from you. Whatever that was that I saw four days ago, it is gone. It [I]was[/I] a mindwarp." The relief of it is sweeping through my entire body, making me want to be as close as physically possible to him now.
He is still completely [I]mine[/I], my innocent Max, who has waited for [I]me[/I]. My Max who would never even consider doing anything else.
"Did I…" He trails off, clearly not wanting to even say it, because he still does not know any of this.
"You didn't sleep with her. She changed your memories."
A shudder runs through him. His eyes close again, this time in relief to match my own. He stumbles backwards slightly, pulling me with him until we both tumble onto the bed, still wrapped in each other's arms. "I still remember it," he admits, his voice cracking slightly. "Is it ever going to go away?"
"I don't know," I tell him, kissing him gently on the forehead. "Maybe. Hopefully. But you have to try and forget it. It doesn't matter anymore."
"When she's gone," he finally says quietly. "When she's gone, I will be rid of her for good."
I feel a shiver descend my spine. "When we kill her?" Can we really do such a thing? Can we really [I]kill[/I] someone, even if it is someone as evil and corrupt as Tess?
He opens his eyes, stares right into mine. "I don't know if we have any other choice Liz. If we don't, she'll never stop coming. She'll come after Sean once we have him back. She'll come after Seren…" He cuts himself off abruptly, his eyes widening.
I frown. "Max?"
"Liz, what are we going to do about the fact that I remember the granolith and you don't?" He asks, sounding extremely weary, his eyes closing again. "I can't constantly censor myself around you. I mean, I don't know as much as you did before you forgot, but I know enough. And I don't want to keep anything from you - not anymore."
"I don't know," I tell him. "Do we have to worry about it right now?"
His kisses me lightly, rolling me over onto my back and deepening the kiss until I feel it clear down to my toes. He pulls back slightly, gazes down at me, his eyes shadowed. "Do you have any idea how much I want to make love to you right now?" He asks, not sounding like the Max I know at all. There is no shyness in the question, no hesitation. In fact, he sounds extremely upset about it.
"Is that a bad thing?" I ask, trying to joke slightly, but I feel hurt at his tone. I don't understand how his mood has changed so abruptly. "I love you. We are way behind schedule as it is." I smile up at him. "We were supposed to be together over six months ago."
Max runs his hand gently through my hair, sits up, pulling me with him. "And you know this because of what that future version of me told you?"
"Right." I am on my knees, lean forward and brush his lips with mine again. "I love you Max. We belong together."
"He never told you about the consequences, did he?" He shakes his head, sighs. "I know he didn't."
I feel a shiver descend my spine. "What consequences?" I demand. "Is it dangerous? Michael and Maria have been together!" I feel myself getting angry that he won't open up completely as he just continues to stare at me. I can almost see his mind at work. "What's wrong?"
"Liz, if we're together, there are going to be consequences," Max tells me seriously. "I want to tell you, but I don't know if I can, because I think that you'll want to make love right now to make sure that what's supposed to happen happens and I don't know if we're ready."
I sit back so that we are no longer touching. "So they're good consequences?" I ask flirtatiously. He eyes me, raising an eyebrow. "If I'm going to [I]want[/I] the consequences, what's so bad about them?"
"Well…" He trails off uncertainly. He is obviously struggling with himself. "Liz, I think I have to tell you because it's going to dictate the entire course of our relationship from now on."
I am really scared now. "Max, what is it?" All I want to do is climb into his lap, ignore whatever it is, but I know that he doesn't think we can.
"Liz, we are going to conceive a child. Maybe not the first time we make love, but probably very soon after." He blurts this all out in a rush, his eyes never leaving my face. "Her name is going to be Serena and she is going to be beautiful." I see tears glistening in his dark eyes as he remembers her, as he [I]sees[/I] her in his mind's eye, in his heart.
I barely notice at the same time, because as her name passes his lips, I remember her. It all comes rushing back so quickly that it is almost too much. "Max!" I gasp his name, bury my face in my hands to stop the fast- forwarded version of the lifetime I lived in the granolith, to try and control the rush of faces that whirl through my brain - Future Max, Future Alex. Michael, Isabel, Maria, Kyle, my Max…And through it all, she is there. My heart. My daughter.
Serena.
Oh God! Serena. How could I have forgotten her?
"Liz? LIZ!" Max has crawled across the bed and is pulling my hands away from my face. "What's wrong?"
I am crying and laughing at the same time. I am not hysterical exactly, but I am close.
Because I remember my resolve, the decision I had made in the granolith that Serena would not be born until we were ready for her. And I know in my heart that we are nowhere [I]near[/I] being ready.
But I am [I]so[/I] ready to rip Max's clothes off and have my way with my true-love, my soulmate, it is almost scary.
I can't. We are simply not at the stage in our lives where we will be the parents Serena - the savior of two worlds - is going to need.
"Liz! Please! Speak to me!" He is getting desperate now.
I manage to stop laughing, bring my hands up to frame his face. "I remember her. I remember our daughter."
"Why are you laughing then?" Max demands. "I don't understand how this is the least bit funny!"
"I know!" I start to laugh again. "It's not. But it so [I]is[/I] Max. Do you have any idea how much I want to make love to [I]you?[/I]" I ask, repeating the same question he asked me moments ago. "But I know we're not ready and it's just not fair!"
Max continues to stare at me. "And this is funny how?" His voice has lowered again and his eyes are darkening. I see them drop to my lips.
"It's not the least bit funny," I reply but I am almost giddy with happiness too - happy that I remember all the lessons I learned on the journey I had to take so that we could be together.
I think I even understand [I]why[/I] I forgot it all. It was the final test, the final proof that I could follow my heart with or without the pre- knowledge of where it might take me. And because I had shown that I could, because I had faced my demons, because I had found out the truth about Max and Tess on my own, I was allowed to remember it all.
I have earned the right to love Max. I can see that he is still uncertain, that maybe he still has a little way to go. Because his demon, in the blonde ringleted form of Tess Harding, is still out there.
But I don't want him thinking about [I]her[/I] right now - not when he is only just all mine again. I know it's selfish, but we still have to find her. It will be easy enough now that I remember everything, but, for now, that is in the future.
For now, I get to have him all to myself.
"But I don't know why we're so concerned." I continue, continuing to smile at him. "It's not like it's not going to happen. For now, it's enough that we're together and that we love each other."
"It is?" Max doesn't sound convinced, which just makes me burst out giggling again.
"I so knew it! You only love me for my body!" The sheer ridiculousness of saying it makes me laugh again, because I have seen his soul and I know it for the blatant lie it is.
But he looks horrified. "Liz!"
"I love you for [I]your[/I] body," I tell him, trailing a finger up his chest. "And your mind and your heart." I stop laughing, smile at him, hoping that he can see all the love that I feel welling within me. "I shouldn't tease you, but we're together now. We will always [I]be[/I] together and it makes me so happy Max. We have things to take care of - namely Tess - before we can be truly at peace, but we're so close my love. Can't we just be happy for a while?"
He frowns at me for so long, I wonder if he's really mad. But, finally, he reaches forward, gently pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. "It's been so long since I've seen you smile. God Liz, I love you."
"I love you too." I lean forward, gently kiss him again. "And someday soon we'll get to show each other how much we love each other in every way. Maybe not tonight, but soon." I climb onto his lap, lay feather light kisses on his closed eyes, his nose, both cheeks and then I kiss him full on the mouth again. "We'll take this as slowly as we want to Max. It will all still happen. For now though, this is enough," I whisper against his lips.
He kisses me back and the connection flares to life between us, seemingly reinforcing what I've said. We fall back onto the bed together, kissing and cuddling, but nothing more. Because we both know that the rest of it will come soon enough.
For now, it is almost more sexy just reveling in our innocence again, just knowing how young we both are, how much of our life we still have to live together.
"Just [I]being[/I] with you is enough," he says quietly against my hair after a while. "It will always be enough."
"I will never leave you again," I promise as I feel him begin to drift. The connection is still strong and I know when he falls asleep.
I stroke his arm gently. I am cradled on his chest and I can feel his heart beating steadily under my cheek. And I know that mine will soon be beating in time.
My journey has ended and has brought me home to Max's arms, where I will always belong.
I only hope that he will be strong enough to end his journey the way he wants to, that he will be able to exorcise Tess once and for all when we finally meet up with her again.
Because, I know, in my heart, that we will not kill her. We will not be able to do it. But we will still find a way to end this.
Together, we can do anything.
[I]Hold on,
Hold on to yourself
For this is going to hurt like hell.
Hold on,
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell.
What is in me that refuses to believe?
This isn't easier than the real thing.
My love you know that you're my best friend.
You know that I'd do anything for you.
My love let nothing come between us,
My love for you is strong and true.
Am I in heaven here or am I
At the crossroads I am standing?
And now you're sleeping peaceful.
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And we'll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile across your face.
Oh God, if you're out there, won't you hear me?
I know that we've never talked before.
And oh God, the man I love is leaving
Won't you take him when he comes to your door?
Am I in heaven here or am I in hell?
At the crossroads I am standing.
So now you're sleeping peaceful
I lie awake and pray
That you'll be strong tomorrow
And we'll see another day
And we will praise it
And love the light that brings a smile to your face.
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
This is going to hurt like hell.
Sarah McLachlan[/I]
I don't allow myself to hesitate as I pull Max's face down to mine and kiss him. I know that one moment of doubt and I won't be able to do it.
It is completely wrong that I am so scared to kiss the person I love more than anyone else in the world. This is what [I]she[/I] has brought us to and the resolve I have that she is not going to win gets me through the first seconds. But it is not enough. I can feel Max opening himself to me completely, as he has every time we have ever kissed. He gasps against me as the connection opens between us - but only in his direction.
"God, Liz…" His hands sweep through my hair, pulling me more closely against him. I am more aware than ever that he is wearing nothing but a T- shirt and a thin pair of boxers. But I am still holding back, enjoying the feel of his body, that he is hard where I am soft, that his lips are gentle and insistent at the same time.
I wonder if this can ever be enough. Could I go through life enjoying a physical relationship with my love, only really knowing him on the surface? Other couples do it after all. It is a rare - almost unique - thing to be able to see into another person's soul. If I had stayed with Kyle, or if I ever get together with another guy, I will not be able to do it.
But this is Max and I do not want half of him. I have had it all and I want it back.
Ironically, it was Isabel of all people who finally made me see it.
I know it has hurt Max that I have been avoiding him for the past three days, but I could not think straight in his presence, at least not the way things still stood between us in my mind. I know that I supposedly had some great epiphany when I went wherever it was Future Ava took me, but I don't remember any of it. The destruction of the granolith has robbed me of the memories I made there - things I likely was not supposed to experience anyway. Future Ava and, yes, even Future Sean, gave me a gift - the gift of insight and truth - one I regret losing.
And, yet, I don't regret it at the same time. Because the reason we destroyed the granolith in the first place was to avoid the temptation of being able to fix our mistakes. I feel it is only right that I have to live my life not knowing what may happen. To know means to live in fear.
I refuse to live in fear. Which is why when Isabel spoke to me earlier tonight, I was willing to listen. It was not that Max's sister said anything about Max persay. But what she did say reminded me of the kind of person I want to be, the kind of person Isabel is trying to be.
Isabel lives in fear now. She knows, thanks to me, that Khivar, the person she once betrayed her brother for, will come for her one day. I don't believe that she will do it again - Isabel is a different person now - but I know that she is afraid that she might. She misses Alex desperately, regrets that just when she had accepted that she belonged with him, that he made her strong, what she was killed him. I know Isabel feels this way, that she blames herself for what Tess did to my best friend. Just like Max does. Just like I used to - that because I pulled him into the alien abyss, he died.
Isabel is not to blame. Tess' actions were her own. Just like what she did to Max she did on her own. From what Maria has told me, I was completely certain when I returned from that other world that Max had [I]not[/I] slept with my enemy, that he was mindwarped. She even told me that she saw him begin to come out of it while I was missing, which reinforced to her that I was not wrong.
And, yet, I was still scared to follow my heart, to go to Max, to try again. Because I couldn't remember any of that. All I could see in front of my eyes was Max and Tess, entangled, entwined, doing things that only I was supposed to do with him. Things that we were told had made a baby, but which had not made [I]their[/I] baby, and, yet, it had still happened. He had still slept with her.
But I'm getting off track again, I am losing myself in my fear. Following your heart, like my grandma made me promise to do, means that you have to get past your fear. I forgot that for a while, but I will never forget it again.
Anyway, Isabel came to see me. I think she needed someone to talk to about her fear and felt that it couldn't be either Max or Michael. They both trust her implicitly, [I]know[/I] that she will never do anything to hurt them. But she does not know this about herself and she wanted to try and deal with what is brewing inside of her with someone who will listen without prejudice - someone who does not know her one way and one way alone. Before it would have been Alex, but since Alex is gone, I think Isabel considers me the next best thing.
As I listened to my friend, as she spilled out her terror, her grief for Alex, her lack of knowledge of herself, as she sobbed with her head in my lap and I stroked her blonde hair, trying to comfort this poor girl who always seems so strong and icy, but who is really so loving and afraid at her core, I had my epiphany.
I love Max and I don't want to live without him. By running away from him, I was doing exactly what Isabel was - trying to ignore my true nature, trying to run away from my own heart. Isabel had done it with Alex and now she was going to have to go on without him, knowing that she wasted all those months, knowing that maybe if they had been together she would have clued in to what Tess was doing, could have stopped her.
As I soothed Isabel, as I told her that none of it was her fault - because it wasn't of course - I began to realize that I had to give Max and I once last chance. I had to do what Isabel was trying to do. I had to follow my heart. But to do it, I had to know once and for all if what I had found out was possible - that Tess really could have created such elaborate illusions, that she really could have changed Max's memories so completely that even he still believes he slept with her, even though we know the truth about Sean.
When I spoke to Ava I was reminded of the day that I went to speak to Tess while I was investigating Alex's murder. I had learned nothing on that day except that I had been completely wrong about the kind of person Max Evans was. It still hurts to think about how rude he was to me that day, but it wasn't [I]him[/I] I realize now. Because Ava did not only confirm for me that there are two kinds of mindwarps, she actually told me there were three.
Not only can mindwarpers make people see things that aren't there and change memories, they can also change [I]behavior[/I]. If a mindwarper is connected enough with their victim, they can actually make them act totally out of character, basically control them at their whim. And all of Max's weird behavior after Alex's death suddenly began to make sense - how he grabbed me in the hallway that day, the way he had screamed at me on the highway when I was on my way to Sweden.
She had changed him because he had trusted her. If he was to blame for anything, it was that fact alone. And have I not [I]always[/I] known that Max is too trusting? Often he is right in who he trusts - me, my friends, Valenti - but the one time he made a mistake - with Tess - it had been a huge one.
He should not have to pay for the rest of his life for that mistake. I know that he will pay, inside, that he will always blame himself for what happened to Alex, but, in the end, what had he really done to me? If I was right - if I had been right when I returned from wherever it was I had been - then he had been mindwarped the whole time and now I only had to pull him out of it.
Which is why I find myself kissing him now, enjoying it but not allowing myself to completely let go.
It's one thing to tell yourself that you're going to let go of your fear. But sometimes fear has a mind of it's own, refuses to let go it's icy grip around your heart.
I am stronger than any fear. I have never been afraid of Max, not since he first told me the truth about himself, and I refuse to begin now.
And so, finally, I let go and open myself up to him.
He knows exactly when I do it to because I feel him shudder against me. "Liz," he whispers against my ear, kissing me lightly on the lobe before bringing his mouth back to mine. I open my lips, allow his tongue access, feel him pulling on my bottom lip with his in that way that nearly drives me insane with longing for him.
When the flashes begin they are completely different from the ones I remember - the ones that almost killed me and [I]did[/I] make me literally ill.
[I]Flash*
Max, suspicious of Tess as she gives him a shirt as a gift, but he feels bad so he accepts it.
Flash*
Max watching me with Sean at the UFO Museum during the hostage situation, not understanding why I am so angry at him, not understanding why we are drifting apart again.
Flash*
Max connecting with Brody and suddenly assailed with images of another planet, another life. It is all familiar, and yet, not, at the same time.
Flash*
Max tries to tell me about the memories, tries to tell me how exciting and yet, frightening it all is. He feels disappointment when I barely listen, but he is absolutely thrilled when I ask him if we can go to the Prom together.
Flash*
His heart thundering with love, Max sees me across the Crashdown when he comes to pick me up for the Prom.
Flash*
Max, devastated, listening to me tell him that I feel suffocated by our relationship, that I am constantly waiting for him to remember Tess, that I can't do it any longer. He watches me walk away, considers going after me but wonders if I am right. Maybe he has no choice but to prove me right or wrong, once and for all.
Flash*
Max kisses Tess in the hallway of the high school. He feels drawn to her and, yet, as their lips meet, he feels nothing. It is not the same as kissing me - it is just wrong. He knows deep down that he will never love her - that the memories he has mean nothing. He breaks away from her, tells her so. Her eyes glitter strangely as she nods her understanding. "But at least we can still be friends Max."[/I]
It is then that the flashes start to become fuzzy, as though they are trying to break through, past a heavy web of intrigue and deceit. Max watches his own behavior as though from a long way off - knows that the way he is treating Isabel and I is not [I]him[/I] and, yet, he cannot stop himself.
[I]Flash*
Max, at the Observatory, thinking about what is happening to him. He knows that something is wrong.
Flash*
Tess appears. He tries to tell her what he is feeling. His confusion is utterly heartbreaking, because, after all, she has been messing with his mind for weeks now. "My whole life I've wanted to be this person, this normal person. Human. My whole life I've been thinking that this alien side of me was this bad thing. This thing that made me a freak. This monster. I realize that I haven't just been hiding from the government and the law all this time. I've been hiding from myself. I don't know what's going on anymore. I thought I knew but I don't. I've lost everyone." He thinks [/I] I need Liz. I need the Liz who loved me in spite of everything. With her I am found - I am who I want to be.[I] And then I am there, in [/I]his[I] eyes she has become me, and he is kissing me and all is right with his world again. "I'm ready to wake up now." They are his words to [I]me.[/I] He is tired of simply dreaming about me, he wants to [/I]be[I] with me.[/I]
These are Max's memories of what happened, and, yet, underneath I see flashes of what he saw with his eyes, but not with his mind. I see Tess kiss him while he sees [I]me[/I]. I see her pull him down with her and he lays his head in her lap and cries, admitting that he knows that what he is killed Alex and that he doesn't deserve me. He thanks me for coming back, promises that he will help me find out the truth.
He falls asleep.
And I know with absolute certainty that he did [I]not[/I] sleep with Tess or with who he thought was me or [I]anyone[/I]. Absolutely nothing happened.
In the next flash he has woken up and he is naked and he finds Tess in his arms and the horror of it is almost beyond his comprehension. He remembers every detail of what they did together and he knows that he has lost me for good.
I can feel the tears streaming down my face as I pull back and stare up at him.
My love.
His eyes are closed and I feel him sigh. I can't tell if he is upset or happy. It is a very ambiguous sigh.
"Max," I whisper. "Open your eyes."
He does, bringing his forehead down to rest against mine. "What did you see?" His voice is low, afraid.
"I saw that you love me," I reply, smiling through my tears. "I saw exactly what I've always seen from you. Whatever that was that I saw four days ago, it is gone. It [I]was[/I] a mindwarp." The relief of it is sweeping through my entire body, making me want to be as close as physically possible to him now.
He is still completely [I]mine[/I], my innocent Max, who has waited for [I]me[/I]. My Max who would never even consider doing anything else.
"Did I…" He trails off, clearly not wanting to even say it, because he still does not know any of this.
"You didn't sleep with her. She changed your memories."
A shudder runs through him. His eyes close again, this time in relief to match my own. He stumbles backwards slightly, pulling me with him until we both tumble onto the bed, still wrapped in each other's arms. "I still remember it," he admits, his voice cracking slightly. "Is it ever going to go away?"
"I don't know," I tell him, kissing him gently on the forehead. "Maybe. Hopefully. But you have to try and forget it. It doesn't matter anymore."
"When she's gone," he finally says quietly. "When she's gone, I will be rid of her for good."
I feel a shiver descend my spine. "When we kill her?" Can we really do such a thing? Can we really [I]kill[/I] someone, even if it is someone as evil and corrupt as Tess?
He opens his eyes, stares right into mine. "I don't know if we have any other choice Liz. If we don't, she'll never stop coming. She'll come after Sean once we have him back. She'll come after Seren…" He cuts himself off abruptly, his eyes widening.
I frown. "Max?"
"Liz, what are we going to do about the fact that I remember the granolith and you don't?" He asks, sounding extremely weary, his eyes closing again. "I can't constantly censor myself around you. I mean, I don't know as much as you did before you forgot, but I know enough. And I don't want to keep anything from you - not anymore."
"I don't know," I tell him. "Do we have to worry about it right now?"
His kisses me lightly, rolling me over onto my back and deepening the kiss until I feel it clear down to my toes. He pulls back slightly, gazes down at me, his eyes shadowed. "Do you have any idea how much I want to make love to you right now?" He asks, not sounding like the Max I know at all. There is no shyness in the question, no hesitation. In fact, he sounds extremely upset about it.
"Is that a bad thing?" I ask, trying to joke slightly, but I feel hurt at his tone. I don't understand how his mood has changed so abruptly. "I love you. We are way behind schedule as it is." I smile up at him. "We were supposed to be together over six months ago."
Max runs his hand gently through my hair, sits up, pulling me with him. "And you know this because of what that future version of me told you?"
"Right." I am on my knees, lean forward and brush his lips with mine again. "I love you Max. We belong together."
"He never told you about the consequences, did he?" He shakes his head, sighs. "I know he didn't."
I feel a shiver descend my spine. "What consequences?" I demand. "Is it dangerous? Michael and Maria have been together!" I feel myself getting angry that he won't open up completely as he just continues to stare at me. I can almost see his mind at work. "What's wrong?"
"Liz, if we're together, there are going to be consequences," Max tells me seriously. "I want to tell you, but I don't know if I can, because I think that you'll want to make love right now to make sure that what's supposed to happen happens and I don't know if we're ready."
I sit back so that we are no longer touching. "So they're good consequences?" I ask flirtatiously. He eyes me, raising an eyebrow. "If I'm going to [I]want[/I] the consequences, what's so bad about them?"
"Well…" He trails off uncertainly. He is obviously struggling with himself. "Liz, I think I have to tell you because it's going to dictate the entire course of our relationship from now on."
I am really scared now. "Max, what is it?" All I want to do is climb into his lap, ignore whatever it is, but I know that he doesn't think we can.
"Liz, we are going to conceive a child. Maybe not the first time we make love, but probably very soon after." He blurts this all out in a rush, his eyes never leaving my face. "Her name is going to be Serena and she is going to be beautiful." I see tears glistening in his dark eyes as he remembers her, as he [I]sees[/I] her in his mind's eye, in his heart.
I barely notice at the same time, because as her name passes his lips, I remember her. It all comes rushing back so quickly that it is almost too much. "Max!" I gasp his name, bury my face in my hands to stop the fast- forwarded version of the lifetime I lived in the granolith, to try and control the rush of faces that whirl through my brain - Future Max, Future Alex. Michael, Isabel, Maria, Kyle, my Max…And through it all, she is there. My heart. My daughter.
Serena.
Oh God! Serena. How could I have forgotten her?
"Liz? LIZ!" Max has crawled across the bed and is pulling my hands away from my face. "What's wrong?"
I am crying and laughing at the same time. I am not hysterical exactly, but I am close.
Because I remember my resolve, the decision I had made in the granolith that Serena would not be born until we were ready for her. And I know in my heart that we are nowhere [I]near[/I] being ready.
But I am [I]so[/I] ready to rip Max's clothes off and have my way with my true-love, my soulmate, it is almost scary.
I can't. We are simply not at the stage in our lives where we will be the parents Serena - the savior of two worlds - is going to need.
"Liz! Please! Speak to me!" He is getting desperate now.
I manage to stop laughing, bring my hands up to frame his face. "I remember her. I remember our daughter."
"Why are you laughing then?" Max demands. "I don't understand how this is the least bit funny!"
"I know!" I start to laugh again. "It's not. But it so [I]is[/I] Max. Do you have any idea how much I want to make love to [I]you?[/I]" I ask, repeating the same question he asked me moments ago. "But I know we're not ready and it's just not fair!"
Max continues to stare at me. "And this is funny how?" His voice has lowered again and his eyes are darkening. I see them drop to my lips.
"It's not the least bit funny," I reply but I am almost giddy with happiness too - happy that I remember all the lessons I learned on the journey I had to take so that we could be together.
I think I even understand [I]why[/I] I forgot it all. It was the final test, the final proof that I could follow my heart with or without the pre- knowledge of where it might take me. And because I had shown that I could, because I had faced my demons, because I had found out the truth about Max and Tess on my own, I was allowed to remember it all.
I have earned the right to love Max. I can see that he is still uncertain, that maybe he still has a little way to go. Because his demon, in the blonde ringleted form of Tess Harding, is still out there.
But I don't want him thinking about [I]her[/I] right now - not when he is only just all mine again. I know it's selfish, but we still have to find her. It will be easy enough now that I remember everything, but, for now, that is in the future.
For now, I get to have him all to myself.
"But I don't know why we're so concerned." I continue, continuing to smile at him. "It's not like it's not going to happen. For now, it's enough that we're together and that we love each other."
"It is?" Max doesn't sound convinced, which just makes me burst out giggling again.
"I so knew it! You only love me for my body!" The sheer ridiculousness of saying it makes me laugh again, because I have seen his soul and I know it for the blatant lie it is.
But he looks horrified. "Liz!"
"I love you for [I]your[/I] body," I tell him, trailing a finger up his chest. "And your mind and your heart." I stop laughing, smile at him, hoping that he can see all the love that I feel welling within me. "I shouldn't tease you, but we're together now. We will always [I]be[/I] together and it makes me so happy Max. We have things to take care of - namely Tess - before we can be truly at peace, but we're so close my love. Can't we just be happy for a while?"
He frowns at me for so long, I wonder if he's really mad. But, finally, he reaches forward, gently pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. "It's been so long since I've seen you smile. God Liz, I love you."
"I love you too." I lean forward, gently kiss him again. "And someday soon we'll get to show each other how much we love each other in every way. Maybe not tonight, but soon." I climb onto his lap, lay feather light kisses on his closed eyes, his nose, both cheeks and then I kiss him full on the mouth again. "We'll take this as slowly as we want to Max. It will all still happen. For now though, this is enough," I whisper against his lips.
He kisses me back and the connection flares to life between us, seemingly reinforcing what I've said. We fall back onto the bed together, kissing and cuddling, but nothing more. Because we both know that the rest of it will come soon enough.
For now, it is almost more sexy just reveling in our innocence again, just knowing how young we both are, how much of our life we still have to live together.
"Just [I]being[/I] with you is enough," he says quietly against my hair after a while. "It will always be enough."
"I will never leave you again," I promise as I feel him begin to drift. The connection is still strong and I know when he falls asleep.
I stroke his arm gently. I am cradled on his chest and I can feel his heart beating steadily under my cheek. And I know that mine will soon be beating in time.
My journey has ended and has brought me home to Max's arms, where I will always belong.
I only hope that he will be strong enough to end his journey the way he wants to, that he will be able to exorcise Tess once and for all when we finally meet up with her again.
Because, I know, in my heart, that we will not kill her. We will not be able to do it. But we will still find a way to end this.
Together, we can do anything.
