Part 33 - Good Enough - Max POV
[I]Hey your glass is empty.
It's a hell of a long way home.
Why don't you let me take you?
It's no good to go alone.
I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me.
After all the bullshit I've heard
It's refreshing not to see.
I don't have to pretend
She doesn't expect it of me.
So don't tell me I haven't been good to you.
Don't tell me I have never been there for you.
Just tell me why nothing is good enough.
Hey little girl would you like some candy?
Your momma said it's okay.
The door is open, come on outside.
No I can't come out today.
It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground.
Who's there that makes you so afraid
You're shaken to the bone?
I don't understand,
You deserve so much more than this.
So don't tell me why he's never been good to you.
Don't tell me why he's never been there for you.
Don't you know that why is simply not good enough
So just let me try and I will be good to you.
Just let me try and I will be there for you.
I'll show you why you're so much more than good enough.
Sarah McLachlan[/I]
For one instant I think I am dreaming. There is no other explanation for the fact that Liz Parker is sound asleep in my arms, her soft hair tickling my nose as I drift back to consciousness.
But as I slowly awaken I remember all that passed between us last night and I know that this is not a dream. This is [I]reality[/I] and my life has finally returned to the path it was always meant to be on - the only path I have ever wanted to follow.
Liz and I are going to be together. My heart practically wants to burst at this brand new knowledge. And, yet, it feels as old as the stars too - like our very destinies are finally coming into alignment because we have worked so hard to make it so.
Things are, of course, in some ways, still only an illusion, are still not completely perfect. Because, in spite of the fact that Liz is completely convinced now that absolutely nothing physical happened between Tess and I on that horrible night at the Observatory, I still remember it. I still remember touching [I]her[/I] in ways I only ever want to touch Liz. I still remember [I]her[/I] hands touching [I]me.[/I] It makes me feel dirty and completely unworthy to be where I am presently, which is holding Liz in my arms. My beautiful, trusting Liz, who I still don't deserve.
I won't deserve her until I get Tess out of my head once and for all. The problem is, I have absolutely no idea how to go about doing it. I truly believe that the only way to completely eradicate her is to kill her and I know that I am not quite ready to do that. I just can't see myself actually killing her, not in premeditation.
I would have killed her in the instant I found out about Alex. Trust me on that one. But thinking about it - I just can't see it ever happening. Especially now that Liz and I are back together. When we weren't, it was easy for me to shut off my emotions, to allow my alien side to take over. It was how I would have so easily killed Jennifer Coleman.
But it's all changed again. Now that Liz and I have reconnected, it is damn near impossible to imagine killing someone on purpose. Like I've said many times before, I am a better person with her - stronger in that I don't always look for the easy way out. Killing Tess is the easy way, as much as she deserves it.
I know that Liz would never want me to do it either. Because it's just not what we're about. It's not [I]us[/I] - any of us. I know that Isabel and Michael are both still haunted by the lives they have taken - Whittaker and Pierce respectively - and they had absolutely no choice.
I still have a choice, even though I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to erase Tess' existence permanently.
Because I do know that what I told Liz is true. If Tess lives, we will never be safe. Sean will never be secure either, although I don't doubt that we will get him back. Serena, when she comes, will be in constant danger - not only from Khivar, but from Tess, who I have no question would use my innocent daughter to control me.
You can see the dilemma in which we find ourselves. In the meantime though, we have to concentrate on what we can control rather than what we can't. I might still remember Tess, but I believe Liz when she says it's a lie. I can only hope that someday it will all just go away - that I will wake up one morning with the whole memory just [I]gone[/I].
It's still here today though and I'm just going to have to deal with it. We have more important things to worry about right now - namely Sean and getting him back. Because even though I now know he is not mine, I still feel responsible for him, still feel like it is my fault that Tess left with him at all.
I can worry about what to do about Tess when the time comes.
I turn my head slightly, kiss Liz lightly on the temple. She murmurs my name, shifts slightly but doesn't wake up. She is clearly exhausted so I decide that I'll let her sleep for a while longer. I can get everyone else ready to go and then come and wake her up in time for breakfast. We'll hit the road before the sun is even fully in the sky.
We have been driving hard for the past day and a half and are now in Northern Colorado. We weren't exactly sure where we were going when we started, but we did know it was Canada. It seemed like the best plan to get as close to where the granolith crashed as possible before having Isabel try to dreamwalk Tess again. We don't want her to know we're on the way until the last possible minute. Ava also thought that she might be able to sense her clone if she was near.
But now that we will know exactly where we're going, things don't seem quite so up in the air, quite so desperate. Things are better now. Liz has her memories from the granolith back and so we will be able to find Sean that much more easily. It is only a matter of time.
I ease myself gently away from Liz. She frowns slightly but turns away cooperatively enough, burying her head in the pillow I have just vacated. It takes all my strength to move away from her when all I want to do is kiss her awake and then show her exactly how much I love her.
I want to do it, but it's not the right time. And not just because we're not ready for Serena. I'm not ready either. Because until I feel completely worthy of Liz, I just don't want to go that far. In some ways, it's a big relief that Liz is being so militant about the whole thing. In this particular case, I [I]know[/I] that I can't be the strong one. I want to make love to her so badly it is almost painful, but it's not for completely the right reasons now.
Deep down, a small part of me thinks that if I connect completely with Liz in that way, what happened with Tess - what I remember - will disappear.
Don't get me wrong. You all know how much I love her, how much I want Liz for herself. But if we make love now, that's not all it will be about. And that is just not fair to Liz. When I'm with her, I want it to only be about the two of us. I do [I]not[/I] want Tess standing between us in any way. Because even if she is a moot point to Liz now, to me she's not.
I am going to get rid of her ghost if it is the last thing I ever do. I have to face her once more and [I]make[/I] her let me go. I have no choice if I want my life with Liz to be exactly what it's meant to be.
I hurry through my shower and Liz is still fast asleep as I dress. I have no idea what happened to Michael last night. He must have found out that Liz was with me and made himself scarce, I imagine bunking down with Maria somewhere.
And, so, I am surprised to find him sound asleep in the hallway, his back up against the door, so that when I open it, he falls backwards into the room. He opens one eye sleepily, glaring up at me. "Jeez Maxwell. I've been knocking for an hour. What the hell are you and Liz doing in there?" He narrows his eyes slightly. "Actually, wait. I don't want to know. It falls into the category of too much information for the middle of the night."
I stare down at him, can't help the grin that creeps across my face. "Why are you asleep in the hallway Michael?"
"Maria's ticked at me," he admits grumpily, climbing to his feet. "I don't even know what I did."
"What else is new?" I ask cheerfully. "Let's go wake everyone up. We have to hit the road."
"Are you telling me it's morning?" Michael demands in annoyance. "I slept in the bloody hallway all night?"
"That's what I'm telling you."
He eyes me suspiciously. "You are extraordinarily chipper this morning," he finally comments. "Did you and Liz make up?"
"You could say that."
"Good. It's about time," Michael says, sounding like he means it. He grimaces slightly. "Listen…Can we leave the girls in peace for a little while longer? Maria was really crabby last night. I think a couple more minutes of shut eye might do her some good."
I look at him, shrug. "Okay. Let's go get some breakfast and then we'll wake them all up. Liz remembers everything now so we know where we're going. It will make the trip shorter anyway."
I see something strange flash in Michael's eyes for a moment - something I don't recognize. I frown. "Is something wrong?" I ask, staring at him. There's something off here. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I would swear that that was [I]anger[/I] that I just saw flash across my best friend's face. Anger mixed with a good healthy dose of fear. "Michael?"
He is so nonchalant when he answers, I am almost positive I imagined it. "Other than the fact that I have a crick in my neck the size of the state of Colorado?" He asks, sounding so like Michael, I wonder what the hell I am thinking. "C'mon. I'm starving."
And, yet, my stomach is suddenly in knots. Because, for one instant, this person was [I]not[/I] Michael. And if he's not Michael, there is only one other person he can be.
I remember what Liz told me about the granolith before I drifted off to sleep last night. In between all that kissing, we had had some time to talk and she had filled me in on almost everything from that other life - including the bit about Rath and Lonnie and the fact that the spaceship, powered by the granolith, will not fly without a full complement of the Royal Four inside it.
I pause, wonder if I should go check the girls' room, to see if this is [I]really[/I] Michael. I am trailing him uncertainly when we run into Izzy in the lobby. "Hey guys!" My sister hails us from near the desk. "Check- out's at ten. Are you going for breakfast? I could eat. Kyle and the Sheriff are already in the restaurant across the highway."
I feel my heartbeat beginning to return to normal. Am I just imagining things? This all seems completely normal. I stare closely at Isabel, see only my sister staring back at me. "Max?" She asks, frowning. "Are you okay? You look a bit pale."
How on Earth could Lonnie and Rath have found us in this motel in the middle of nowhere? I ask myself this question as I follow them out the front door of the motel and around the side towards the highway. Besides, they probably don't even know that Tess tried to take off in the granolith. It doesn't make any sense that they'd be after me yet.
I do know they'll come after me eventually. And if something happens to Tess, they'll come after Ava too. They need us. But it really doesn't fit that it would be so soon.
Unless they've been watching us the whole time, a voice in the back of my head argues. They'd know that Tess took off alone, they'd know that she crashed because they must know by now that the ship only works with the four of us in it.
Another thought suddenly occurs to me. What if Ava didn't come to Roswell alone? What if she's only been biding her time, waiting to betray us? What if she's allowing Rath and Lonnie to follow us to the spaceship, playing along that she's one of us, and then, in the end, she is fully planning to be the Antarian queen that heads back to our planet?
I can't believe I allowed myself to trust her so easily. She is a clone of [I]Tess[/I] after all. It doesn't seem like such a leap in logic that she'd use me this way.
But, then again, Liz trusts her and I trust Liz's judgment. She's rarely been wrong before.
I realize suddenly that Michael and Isabel have stopped walking, have turned back to me curiously.
"Max, what are you doing?" My sister demands, sounding so much like Isabel, I am again sure I am wrong.
And, yet, my instincts tell me I'm not. Tuning into her, I can almost feel the unnatural chill coming off of this girl in waves. It is the same feeling I got around Lonnie before, even when she played at loving me because I reminded her of Zan. While my sister has the reputation of being an ice queen, she has [I]never[/I] been that way with me, especially recently, since Liz and I almost died - or at least she thought we did when we were in the granolith. "I…" I swallow, feel a shiver descend my spine. "I forgot my wallet back in the room." I wonder if they hear my voice crack. I start to back up slowly. "I'll meet you guys there."
I see them exchange a look.
When Michael looks at me again, his expression is grim. "I don't think so Maxwell."
"You're coming with us Zan." Isabel's face is cold, a mask. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that for once, I am right. For once I have followed my instincts and I am right.
Which doesn't exactly make me leap for joy. If there was anytime I'd love to be wrong, it's right now. I am in serious trouble here. I look around, see that the parking lot we are crossing on the side of the motel is completely deserted. It is earlier than I realized when I supposedly found [I]Michael[/I] in the hallway and there is no life stirring anywhere.
"Just come with us Zanny boy and we won't hurt anyone you care about. We know exactly where to find all of them. They're like babes in there, just waiting for us to take care of them, one by one." This is Lonnie. I can hear her thick accent beginning to break through Isabel's more cultured tones. She is still struggling to hold on to the illusion though. I think she [I]likes[/I] pretending to be my sister. It is seriously creepy.
I think of Liz, safely asleep where I left her. The thought of never seeing her again, just when things are starting to go right between us…Okay, let's call a spade a spade here. It pisses me off. Big time.
"I'm not going anywhere with you." I try to keep the anger out of my voice, but I can hear it there. I can see that Lonnie looks a little surprised - even a little more respectful. Who can blame her for being shocked I won't just go along with her? I did it easily enough the last time after all, when she wanted me to go to New York with her. And hell she's threatening the people I love! She has to know that's the way to control me.
Too bad I will no longer be controlled. Even by my own fear and doubt. Loving Liz has made me strong again and I will not lose everything I have so recently regained. No way.
"C'mon [I]Max.[/I]" She accentuates my Earth name, as though humoring me. "You know we don't belong here. We know where to find Tess. You can find your son and go back and be [I]king[/I]. Who doesn't want to be a king?"
"Everything I want is right here," I tell her firmly. "And you're not going anywhere near the people I love." I can see that Rath is itching to blast me, but Lonnie bats his hand down when he raises it.
And suddenly I understand. I am completely safe from these two, even though my friends are not. They [I]can't[/I] kill me. I am their last hope. Without me, they'll never get back to Antar.
I remember how they tried to kill me in New York, realize that they didn't know then just how much they need me. Someone has been filling them in then, maybe Tess, maybe Nicholas, maybe even Ava - I still don' t know that she hasn't been playing us all along. It also reminds me just how merciless they are. They will not hesitate to kill my friends - to kill Liz - if it means getting what they want.
For one brief moment, I consider going with them. If I simply go with them, they'll leave everyone I love in peace.
But that would be taking the easy way out. I know it would be. I have to fight for what I want and going back to Antar is certainly [I]not[/I] it.
Lonnie is still playing her hand though. "But our mother is waiting for us Zan. We owe it to our people to save them."
"We can't help them," I tell her quietly, although the arrow does hit true. I feel the guilt of potentially abandoning our people to their fate under Khivar…but then I remember that my daughter - the one I will conceive with Liz here on Earth - is the only true way to defeat Khivar. I cannot go. "They are not our people anymore. I'm human Lonnie. They are not going to want [I]me[/I]." I know I am lying here, but Lonnie does not need to know exactly how important Liz is. It will only make her an even better target for them.
They are never going to get anywhere near Liz. I will die first.
Lonnie's eyes have narrowed. I can feel how angry she is, how much she wants to kill me, how frustrated she is that she [I]can't[/I], that I am in complete control here. I can feel this all through the Four Square - one I don't belong to, but one that I can still tap into.
"Just go," I say finally after we have stared at each other in silence for a long moment. "Go and leave us alone. Accept that you are going to live out your life here Lonnie and move on."
She laughs. "You just don't get it. I may not be able to kill [I]you[/I] Zan, but I [I]can[/I] kill everyone you care about. And I will. I'll come after all of them until I bring you to your knees and you have no choice but to come with me."
I can see exactly what my sister is afraid of becoming. Because there is no question that Lonnie is the evil betrayer Vilandra in her purest form. I don't doubt that Zan's sister Vilandra was not all bad - that some of her had to be made up of the sweet girl that is [I]my[/I] Isabel - but there is no sign of her here.
There is only one way to deal with Lonnie. She has to die.
And, yet, I know deep down that I am not strong enough to do it. I just cannot kill her in cold blood…
But I can't let her threaten the people I love either.
Okay, this is maybe the worst possible dilemma to be in. What the hell am I going to do?
And, then, magically, the choice is taken out of my hands. Because I feel Ava's presence before I see her. And Michael's and Isabel's.
You have to understand, they're not [I]with[/I] me. They are not physically present. But they are [I]here[/I]. I can feel them running through my veins, can feel their [I]essence[/I], for want of a better word, joining with my own.
How they know I am out here, I don't know, but there is no question whose side they're all on. With Michael and Isabel there wouldn't have been any doubt anyway, but Ava…
I now know she will stand with us. Because I can [I]feel[/I] her. Somehow the bond the four of us share has opened of its own free will. I reach out for it. I am shocked to realize that my sister is still sound asleep. I don't even know if she's aware of what's happening. But Ava is awake and so is Michael.
And they have decided for me. Lonnie and Rath are going to die.
Here's the thing - the real secret of the Royal Four. We are a team. I might be the nominal leader, the king, but in some ways, this is going to have to be a democracy too. Because that's just the kind of person I am, in the end. We are going to go with majority rules it seems.
Isabel is now awake - I can feel her becoming aware of where she is, of what is happening - and what she tells me is that she is not going to lose me. I am [I]her[/I] brother. Michael and Ava and she and I belong together and they are not going to let Lonnie and Rath take me away from them.
Michael tells me that there can be no more division - that we have to make sure that we are strong when Khivar comes and they only way to do that is to make sure that there is only [I]one[/I] Four Square waiting for him. We can't constantly be looking over our backs for Lonnie or Rath or Tess, waiting for them to betray us. And, he tells me, there is no question that any of them will betray the Earth. None of them want to be on this planet, none of them have anything tying them to it. They will let Khivar destroy it, and so, we're the Royal Four this planet needs.
They are all right. And I am beginning to accept that sometimes we have to make choices in life we might not want to. This is one of those times.
It is far easier than I expect to lift my hand, to focus all my energy on these two enemies with the faces of my beloved sister and best friend. I see their horror, their knowledge of what is about to happen to them, but it is too late to stop it.
I don't want to stop it. And if that makes me a bad person, then so be it.
I feel the energy of the combined strength of Ava and Isabel and Michael and I flow through my body and out of my hands, crashing into them, killing them.
It is nothing visible to the naked eye, is merely the strength of one Four Square - a bonded unit - triumphing over another, weakened by a loss they themselves brought about. Because the greatest irony of all is that, I somehow know, if they had not killed their Zan, we would have lost.
But then again, maybe not. Because, in the end, we are the stronger unit, bound by bonds of love rather than hate.
Yet, I am still capable of this. We are no better than [I]them[/I] if this happens.
And it horrifies me.
I start to fight against what is happening, push the energy back. [I]STOP![/I] I scream to the others. [I]We can't! This is wrong! Isabel! Michael! Stop![/I]
It does stop - so abruptly it brings me to my knees.
I close my eyes, try to catch my breath. I can't believe what we almost did…and, yet, some small part of me regrets that I couldn't go through with it.
They know now though. They know now what will happen to them if they ever try and hurt anyone I love. It has to be enough. It just [I]has[/I] to be.
"Go!" I whisper, unable to open my eyes. "Get out of here! NOW!"
I am subconsciously aware of Michael and Isabel and Ava, all of who are on their way, physically this time.
I can hear them - Lonnie and Rath - moving, hurting, desperate to get away. I am still connected to them too, feel their fear, their anger…And something else as well.
Mercy was a mistake it would seem. Because I also feel the exact moment that Rath decides that he has had enough - that he is going to kill me, just because he [I]wants[/I] to - Lonnie and her rules be damned.
I open my eyes, stare up at him in disbelief, wonder if being [I]good[/I] is really going to kill me. Aren't the good guys supposed to win?
I think of Liz, of all that is never going to happen if I die.
There will be no reason for Khivar to come if I die. But there will also be no liberation for Antar, no Serena.
I know I've failed. Because, even now, I cannot do it. I cannot kill them. In spite of who they are, they are a part of us. This is actually going to happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it. There is no way that Michael and Isabel will get here in time.
I am going to die.
[I]Liz! I love you![/I]
I hear the roar of the blast that is Rath's gift, wait for it to burn through me, thinking of nothing but Liz.
It takes me an instant to realize that the roar I heard was [I]not[/I] from Rath, but, rather, from a gun going off.
I open my eyes to see Valenti standing beside me, the gun in his hand. I hear Lonnie shrieking, stare in horror as she raises her hand, her grief over Rath crashing down on me through the connection that is [I]still[/I] open.
Valenti's gun goes off again, sending her flying.
I feel her spirit dissipate, feel the connection she has maintained this whole time blink out abruptly as she dies right in front of my eyes.
I blink, disbelieving that I am still alive. "Sheriff…" I manage to croak.
"Wasn't the smartest thing in the world coming out here alone Mr. Evans," the Sheriff replies quietly, his hand under my elbow, helping me stumble to my feet. "Lucky thing I was up early too and followed you out here. You seemed to have things well in hand until just a moment ago." He is eyeing me with concern and I feel gratitude for this man who has saved my life again rush through me.
Because I realize that I was willing to die - I [I]wanted[/I] to die. And the Sheriff knows it too. And he pulled me back.
An instant later I feel a warm body crash into me. I raise my arms and bring them around Liz, who is still in her pajamas, and is very nearly hysterical. "Max! What were you thinking? I [I]heard[/I] you! I felt you give up!!!" Michael and Isabel are right behind her, tears streaming down my sister's face. Michael looks as white as a ghost.
It takes me a minute to even understand what is happening. I am that numb. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" I bring my hands up, stroke Liz's hair comfortingly.
I know that she is right. I was really going to let them kill me. And I understand why too.
Because, somewhere deep inside of me, I knew that I was [I]never[/I] going to feel worthy of Liz - that she would be better off without me.
Whatever that feeling was though, whatever it was that made me let what almost happened happen, it is gone. Gone completely, as thought it was not [I]my[/I] feeling at all - is not really what I thought.
Another mindwarp? Maybe. Or perhaps the remnant of one.
But it is all gone now. [I]She[/I] is completely gone. Every memory I have of being with Tess has disappeared like a bad dream.
Which can only mean one thing. And it is not just wishful thinking either. I know that I am right.
Tess is dead.
To be continued…
[I]Hey your glass is empty.
It's a hell of a long way home.
Why don't you let me take you?
It's no good to go alone.
I never would have opened up
But you seemed so real to me.
After all the bullshit I've heard
It's refreshing not to see.
I don't have to pretend
She doesn't expect it of me.
So don't tell me I haven't been good to you.
Don't tell me I have never been there for you.
Just tell me why nothing is good enough.
Hey little girl would you like some candy?
Your momma said it's okay.
The door is open, come on outside.
No I can't come out today.
It's not the wind that cracked your shoulder
And threw you to the ground.
Who's there that makes you so afraid
You're shaken to the bone?
I don't understand,
You deserve so much more than this.
So don't tell me why he's never been good to you.
Don't tell me why he's never been there for you.
Don't you know that why is simply not good enough
So just let me try and I will be good to you.
Just let me try and I will be there for you.
I'll show you why you're so much more than good enough.
Sarah McLachlan[/I]
For one instant I think I am dreaming. There is no other explanation for the fact that Liz Parker is sound asleep in my arms, her soft hair tickling my nose as I drift back to consciousness.
But as I slowly awaken I remember all that passed between us last night and I know that this is not a dream. This is [I]reality[/I] and my life has finally returned to the path it was always meant to be on - the only path I have ever wanted to follow.
Liz and I are going to be together. My heart practically wants to burst at this brand new knowledge. And, yet, it feels as old as the stars too - like our very destinies are finally coming into alignment because we have worked so hard to make it so.
Things are, of course, in some ways, still only an illusion, are still not completely perfect. Because, in spite of the fact that Liz is completely convinced now that absolutely nothing physical happened between Tess and I on that horrible night at the Observatory, I still remember it. I still remember touching [I]her[/I] in ways I only ever want to touch Liz. I still remember [I]her[/I] hands touching [I]me.[/I] It makes me feel dirty and completely unworthy to be where I am presently, which is holding Liz in my arms. My beautiful, trusting Liz, who I still don't deserve.
I won't deserve her until I get Tess out of my head once and for all. The problem is, I have absolutely no idea how to go about doing it. I truly believe that the only way to completely eradicate her is to kill her and I know that I am not quite ready to do that. I just can't see myself actually killing her, not in premeditation.
I would have killed her in the instant I found out about Alex. Trust me on that one. But thinking about it - I just can't see it ever happening. Especially now that Liz and I are back together. When we weren't, it was easy for me to shut off my emotions, to allow my alien side to take over. It was how I would have so easily killed Jennifer Coleman.
But it's all changed again. Now that Liz and I have reconnected, it is damn near impossible to imagine killing someone on purpose. Like I've said many times before, I am a better person with her - stronger in that I don't always look for the easy way out. Killing Tess is the easy way, as much as she deserves it.
I know that Liz would never want me to do it either. Because it's just not what we're about. It's not [I]us[/I] - any of us. I know that Isabel and Michael are both still haunted by the lives they have taken - Whittaker and Pierce respectively - and they had absolutely no choice.
I still have a choice, even though I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to erase Tess' existence permanently.
Because I do know that what I told Liz is true. If Tess lives, we will never be safe. Sean will never be secure either, although I don't doubt that we will get him back. Serena, when she comes, will be in constant danger - not only from Khivar, but from Tess, who I have no question would use my innocent daughter to control me.
You can see the dilemma in which we find ourselves. In the meantime though, we have to concentrate on what we can control rather than what we can't. I might still remember Tess, but I believe Liz when she says it's a lie. I can only hope that someday it will all just go away - that I will wake up one morning with the whole memory just [I]gone[/I].
It's still here today though and I'm just going to have to deal with it. We have more important things to worry about right now - namely Sean and getting him back. Because even though I now know he is not mine, I still feel responsible for him, still feel like it is my fault that Tess left with him at all.
I can worry about what to do about Tess when the time comes.
I turn my head slightly, kiss Liz lightly on the temple. She murmurs my name, shifts slightly but doesn't wake up. She is clearly exhausted so I decide that I'll let her sleep for a while longer. I can get everyone else ready to go and then come and wake her up in time for breakfast. We'll hit the road before the sun is even fully in the sky.
We have been driving hard for the past day and a half and are now in Northern Colorado. We weren't exactly sure where we were going when we started, but we did know it was Canada. It seemed like the best plan to get as close to where the granolith crashed as possible before having Isabel try to dreamwalk Tess again. We don't want her to know we're on the way until the last possible minute. Ava also thought that she might be able to sense her clone if she was near.
But now that we will know exactly where we're going, things don't seem quite so up in the air, quite so desperate. Things are better now. Liz has her memories from the granolith back and so we will be able to find Sean that much more easily. It is only a matter of time.
I ease myself gently away from Liz. She frowns slightly but turns away cooperatively enough, burying her head in the pillow I have just vacated. It takes all my strength to move away from her when all I want to do is kiss her awake and then show her exactly how much I love her.
I want to do it, but it's not the right time. And not just because we're not ready for Serena. I'm not ready either. Because until I feel completely worthy of Liz, I just don't want to go that far. In some ways, it's a big relief that Liz is being so militant about the whole thing. In this particular case, I [I]know[/I] that I can't be the strong one. I want to make love to her so badly it is almost painful, but it's not for completely the right reasons now.
Deep down, a small part of me thinks that if I connect completely with Liz in that way, what happened with Tess - what I remember - will disappear.
Don't get me wrong. You all know how much I love her, how much I want Liz for herself. But if we make love now, that's not all it will be about. And that is just not fair to Liz. When I'm with her, I want it to only be about the two of us. I do [I]not[/I] want Tess standing between us in any way. Because even if she is a moot point to Liz now, to me she's not.
I am going to get rid of her ghost if it is the last thing I ever do. I have to face her once more and [I]make[/I] her let me go. I have no choice if I want my life with Liz to be exactly what it's meant to be.
I hurry through my shower and Liz is still fast asleep as I dress. I have no idea what happened to Michael last night. He must have found out that Liz was with me and made himself scarce, I imagine bunking down with Maria somewhere.
And, so, I am surprised to find him sound asleep in the hallway, his back up against the door, so that when I open it, he falls backwards into the room. He opens one eye sleepily, glaring up at me. "Jeez Maxwell. I've been knocking for an hour. What the hell are you and Liz doing in there?" He narrows his eyes slightly. "Actually, wait. I don't want to know. It falls into the category of too much information for the middle of the night."
I stare down at him, can't help the grin that creeps across my face. "Why are you asleep in the hallway Michael?"
"Maria's ticked at me," he admits grumpily, climbing to his feet. "I don't even know what I did."
"What else is new?" I ask cheerfully. "Let's go wake everyone up. We have to hit the road."
"Are you telling me it's morning?" Michael demands in annoyance. "I slept in the bloody hallway all night?"
"That's what I'm telling you."
He eyes me suspiciously. "You are extraordinarily chipper this morning," he finally comments. "Did you and Liz make up?"
"You could say that."
"Good. It's about time," Michael says, sounding like he means it. He grimaces slightly. "Listen…Can we leave the girls in peace for a little while longer? Maria was really crabby last night. I think a couple more minutes of shut eye might do her some good."
I look at him, shrug. "Okay. Let's go get some breakfast and then we'll wake them all up. Liz remembers everything now so we know where we're going. It will make the trip shorter anyway."
I see something strange flash in Michael's eyes for a moment - something I don't recognize. I frown. "Is something wrong?" I ask, staring at him. There's something off here. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I would swear that that was [I]anger[/I] that I just saw flash across my best friend's face. Anger mixed with a good healthy dose of fear. "Michael?"
He is so nonchalant when he answers, I am almost positive I imagined it. "Other than the fact that I have a crick in my neck the size of the state of Colorado?" He asks, sounding so like Michael, I wonder what the hell I am thinking. "C'mon. I'm starving."
And, yet, my stomach is suddenly in knots. Because, for one instant, this person was [I]not[/I] Michael. And if he's not Michael, there is only one other person he can be.
I remember what Liz told me about the granolith before I drifted off to sleep last night. In between all that kissing, we had had some time to talk and she had filled me in on almost everything from that other life - including the bit about Rath and Lonnie and the fact that the spaceship, powered by the granolith, will not fly without a full complement of the Royal Four inside it.
I pause, wonder if I should go check the girls' room, to see if this is [I]really[/I] Michael. I am trailing him uncertainly when we run into Izzy in the lobby. "Hey guys!" My sister hails us from near the desk. "Check- out's at ten. Are you going for breakfast? I could eat. Kyle and the Sheriff are already in the restaurant across the highway."
I feel my heartbeat beginning to return to normal. Am I just imagining things? This all seems completely normal. I stare closely at Isabel, see only my sister staring back at me. "Max?" She asks, frowning. "Are you okay? You look a bit pale."
How on Earth could Lonnie and Rath have found us in this motel in the middle of nowhere? I ask myself this question as I follow them out the front door of the motel and around the side towards the highway. Besides, they probably don't even know that Tess tried to take off in the granolith. It doesn't make any sense that they'd be after me yet.
I do know they'll come after me eventually. And if something happens to Tess, they'll come after Ava too. They need us. But it really doesn't fit that it would be so soon.
Unless they've been watching us the whole time, a voice in the back of my head argues. They'd know that Tess took off alone, they'd know that she crashed because they must know by now that the ship only works with the four of us in it.
Another thought suddenly occurs to me. What if Ava didn't come to Roswell alone? What if she's only been biding her time, waiting to betray us? What if she's allowing Rath and Lonnie to follow us to the spaceship, playing along that she's one of us, and then, in the end, she is fully planning to be the Antarian queen that heads back to our planet?
I can't believe I allowed myself to trust her so easily. She is a clone of [I]Tess[/I] after all. It doesn't seem like such a leap in logic that she'd use me this way.
But, then again, Liz trusts her and I trust Liz's judgment. She's rarely been wrong before.
I realize suddenly that Michael and Isabel have stopped walking, have turned back to me curiously.
"Max, what are you doing?" My sister demands, sounding so much like Isabel, I am again sure I am wrong.
And, yet, my instincts tell me I'm not. Tuning into her, I can almost feel the unnatural chill coming off of this girl in waves. It is the same feeling I got around Lonnie before, even when she played at loving me because I reminded her of Zan. While my sister has the reputation of being an ice queen, she has [I]never[/I] been that way with me, especially recently, since Liz and I almost died - or at least she thought we did when we were in the granolith. "I…" I swallow, feel a shiver descend my spine. "I forgot my wallet back in the room." I wonder if they hear my voice crack. I start to back up slowly. "I'll meet you guys there."
I see them exchange a look.
When Michael looks at me again, his expression is grim. "I don't think so Maxwell."
"You're coming with us Zan." Isabel's face is cold, a mask. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that for once, I am right. For once I have followed my instincts and I am right.
Which doesn't exactly make me leap for joy. If there was anytime I'd love to be wrong, it's right now. I am in serious trouble here. I look around, see that the parking lot we are crossing on the side of the motel is completely deserted. It is earlier than I realized when I supposedly found [I]Michael[/I] in the hallway and there is no life stirring anywhere.
"Just come with us Zanny boy and we won't hurt anyone you care about. We know exactly where to find all of them. They're like babes in there, just waiting for us to take care of them, one by one." This is Lonnie. I can hear her thick accent beginning to break through Isabel's more cultured tones. She is still struggling to hold on to the illusion though. I think she [I]likes[/I] pretending to be my sister. It is seriously creepy.
I think of Liz, safely asleep where I left her. The thought of never seeing her again, just when things are starting to go right between us…Okay, let's call a spade a spade here. It pisses me off. Big time.
"I'm not going anywhere with you." I try to keep the anger out of my voice, but I can hear it there. I can see that Lonnie looks a little surprised - even a little more respectful. Who can blame her for being shocked I won't just go along with her? I did it easily enough the last time after all, when she wanted me to go to New York with her. And hell she's threatening the people I love! She has to know that's the way to control me.
Too bad I will no longer be controlled. Even by my own fear and doubt. Loving Liz has made me strong again and I will not lose everything I have so recently regained. No way.
"C'mon [I]Max.[/I]" She accentuates my Earth name, as though humoring me. "You know we don't belong here. We know where to find Tess. You can find your son and go back and be [I]king[/I]. Who doesn't want to be a king?"
"Everything I want is right here," I tell her firmly. "And you're not going anywhere near the people I love." I can see that Rath is itching to blast me, but Lonnie bats his hand down when he raises it.
And suddenly I understand. I am completely safe from these two, even though my friends are not. They [I]can't[/I] kill me. I am their last hope. Without me, they'll never get back to Antar.
I remember how they tried to kill me in New York, realize that they didn't know then just how much they need me. Someone has been filling them in then, maybe Tess, maybe Nicholas, maybe even Ava - I still don' t know that she hasn't been playing us all along. It also reminds me just how merciless they are. They will not hesitate to kill my friends - to kill Liz - if it means getting what they want.
For one brief moment, I consider going with them. If I simply go with them, they'll leave everyone I love in peace.
But that would be taking the easy way out. I know it would be. I have to fight for what I want and going back to Antar is certainly [I]not[/I] it.
Lonnie is still playing her hand though. "But our mother is waiting for us Zan. We owe it to our people to save them."
"We can't help them," I tell her quietly, although the arrow does hit true. I feel the guilt of potentially abandoning our people to their fate under Khivar…but then I remember that my daughter - the one I will conceive with Liz here on Earth - is the only true way to defeat Khivar. I cannot go. "They are not our people anymore. I'm human Lonnie. They are not going to want [I]me[/I]." I know I am lying here, but Lonnie does not need to know exactly how important Liz is. It will only make her an even better target for them.
They are never going to get anywhere near Liz. I will die first.
Lonnie's eyes have narrowed. I can feel how angry she is, how much she wants to kill me, how frustrated she is that she [I]can't[/I], that I am in complete control here. I can feel this all through the Four Square - one I don't belong to, but one that I can still tap into.
"Just go," I say finally after we have stared at each other in silence for a long moment. "Go and leave us alone. Accept that you are going to live out your life here Lonnie and move on."
She laughs. "You just don't get it. I may not be able to kill [I]you[/I] Zan, but I [I]can[/I] kill everyone you care about. And I will. I'll come after all of them until I bring you to your knees and you have no choice but to come with me."
I can see exactly what my sister is afraid of becoming. Because there is no question that Lonnie is the evil betrayer Vilandra in her purest form. I don't doubt that Zan's sister Vilandra was not all bad - that some of her had to be made up of the sweet girl that is [I]my[/I] Isabel - but there is no sign of her here.
There is only one way to deal with Lonnie. She has to die.
And, yet, I know deep down that I am not strong enough to do it. I just cannot kill her in cold blood…
But I can't let her threaten the people I love either.
Okay, this is maybe the worst possible dilemma to be in. What the hell am I going to do?
And, then, magically, the choice is taken out of my hands. Because I feel Ava's presence before I see her. And Michael's and Isabel's.
You have to understand, they're not [I]with[/I] me. They are not physically present. But they are [I]here[/I]. I can feel them running through my veins, can feel their [I]essence[/I], for want of a better word, joining with my own.
How they know I am out here, I don't know, but there is no question whose side they're all on. With Michael and Isabel there wouldn't have been any doubt anyway, but Ava…
I now know she will stand with us. Because I can [I]feel[/I] her. Somehow the bond the four of us share has opened of its own free will. I reach out for it. I am shocked to realize that my sister is still sound asleep. I don't even know if she's aware of what's happening. But Ava is awake and so is Michael.
And they have decided for me. Lonnie and Rath are going to die.
Here's the thing - the real secret of the Royal Four. We are a team. I might be the nominal leader, the king, but in some ways, this is going to have to be a democracy too. Because that's just the kind of person I am, in the end. We are going to go with majority rules it seems.
Isabel is now awake - I can feel her becoming aware of where she is, of what is happening - and what she tells me is that she is not going to lose me. I am [I]her[/I] brother. Michael and Ava and she and I belong together and they are not going to let Lonnie and Rath take me away from them.
Michael tells me that there can be no more division - that we have to make sure that we are strong when Khivar comes and they only way to do that is to make sure that there is only [I]one[/I] Four Square waiting for him. We can't constantly be looking over our backs for Lonnie or Rath or Tess, waiting for them to betray us. And, he tells me, there is no question that any of them will betray the Earth. None of them want to be on this planet, none of them have anything tying them to it. They will let Khivar destroy it, and so, we're the Royal Four this planet needs.
They are all right. And I am beginning to accept that sometimes we have to make choices in life we might not want to. This is one of those times.
It is far easier than I expect to lift my hand, to focus all my energy on these two enemies with the faces of my beloved sister and best friend. I see their horror, their knowledge of what is about to happen to them, but it is too late to stop it.
I don't want to stop it. And if that makes me a bad person, then so be it.
I feel the energy of the combined strength of Ava and Isabel and Michael and I flow through my body and out of my hands, crashing into them, killing them.
It is nothing visible to the naked eye, is merely the strength of one Four Square - a bonded unit - triumphing over another, weakened by a loss they themselves brought about. Because the greatest irony of all is that, I somehow know, if they had not killed their Zan, we would have lost.
But then again, maybe not. Because, in the end, we are the stronger unit, bound by bonds of love rather than hate.
Yet, I am still capable of this. We are no better than [I]them[/I] if this happens.
And it horrifies me.
I start to fight against what is happening, push the energy back. [I]STOP![/I] I scream to the others. [I]We can't! This is wrong! Isabel! Michael! Stop![/I]
It does stop - so abruptly it brings me to my knees.
I close my eyes, try to catch my breath. I can't believe what we almost did…and, yet, some small part of me regrets that I couldn't go through with it.
They know now though. They know now what will happen to them if they ever try and hurt anyone I love. It has to be enough. It just [I]has[/I] to be.
"Go!" I whisper, unable to open my eyes. "Get out of here! NOW!"
I am subconsciously aware of Michael and Isabel and Ava, all of who are on their way, physically this time.
I can hear them - Lonnie and Rath - moving, hurting, desperate to get away. I am still connected to them too, feel their fear, their anger…And something else as well.
Mercy was a mistake it would seem. Because I also feel the exact moment that Rath decides that he has had enough - that he is going to kill me, just because he [I]wants[/I] to - Lonnie and her rules be damned.
I open my eyes, stare up at him in disbelief, wonder if being [I]good[/I] is really going to kill me. Aren't the good guys supposed to win?
I think of Liz, of all that is never going to happen if I die.
There will be no reason for Khivar to come if I die. But there will also be no liberation for Antar, no Serena.
I know I've failed. Because, even now, I cannot do it. I cannot kill them. In spite of who they are, they are a part of us. This is actually going to happen and there is nothing I can do to stop it. There is no way that Michael and Isabel will get here in time.
I am going to die.
[I]Liz! I love you![/I]
I hear the roar of the blast that is Rath's gift, wait for it to burn through me, thinking of nothing but Liz.
It takes me an instant to realize that the roar I heard was [I]not[/I] from Rath, but, rather, from a gun going off.
I open my eyes to see Valenti standing beside me, the gun in his hand. I hear Lonnie shrieking, stare in horror as she raises her hand, her grief over Rath crashing down on me through the connection that is [I]still[/I] open.
Valenti's gun goes off again, sending her flying.
I feel her spirit dissipate, feel the connection she has maintained this whole time blink out abruptly as she dies right in front of my eyes.
I blink, disbelieving that I am still alive. "Sheriff…" I manage to croak.
"Wasn't the smartest thing in the world coming out here alone Mr. Evans," the Sheriff replies quietly, his hand under my elbow, helping me stumble to my feet. "Lucky thing I was up early too and followed you out here. You seemed to have things well in hand until just a moment ago." He is eyeing me with concern and I feel gratitude for this man who has saved my life again rush through me.
Because I realize that I was willing to die - I [I]wanted[/I] to die. And the Sheriff knows it too. And he pulled me back.
An instant later I feel a warm body crash into me. I raise my arms and bring them around Liz, who is still in her pajamas, and is very nearly hysterical. "Max! What were you thinking? I [I]heard[/I] you! I felt you give up!!!" Michael and Isabel are right behind her, tears streaming down my sister's face. Michael looks as white as a ghost.
It takes me a minute to even understand what is happening. I am that numb. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" I bring my hands up, stroke Liz's hair comfortingly.
I know that she is right. I was really going to let them kill me. And I understand why too.
Because, somewhere deep inside of me, I knew that I was [I]never[/I] going to feel worthy of Liz - that she would be better off without me.
Whatever that feeling was though, whatever it was that made me let what almost happened happen, it is gone. Gone completely, as thought it was not [I]my[/I] feeling at all - is not really what I thought.
Another mindwarp? Maybe. Or perhaps the remnant of one.
But it is all gone now. [I]She[/I] is completely gone. Every memory I have of being with Tess has disappeared like a bad dream.
Which can only mean one thing. And it is not just wishful thinking either. I know that I am right.
Tess is dead.
To be continued…
