Part 5


Angel came to my door that night, just as we were all getting ready for bed. I felt him behind me, but didn't turn around, gazing unseeing into the night.

I'd always felt this pull as soon as the sun went down, uring me to go and kick some demon ass, to protect the world until morning, when everything was safe.

Well, safer.

"I should be out there," I said, not bothering to explain myself to Angel. The Angel I knew would have known what I was talking about, and if this one didn't, that was his problem.

"They'll survive without you for a few days," Angel promised softly, and I was flooded with love for him. He always knew what was going on with me.

"Maybe," I replied with a shrug, turning around to face him, a little self conscious of the pyjamas I wore - long silver silk draawstring pants, and a black tank top, sprinkled liberally with stars. I had outfits that were a hundred times more revealing, that I wore in public without reservation, but this....reminded me of days past, I suppose. Of him appearing in my window, tucking me into bed, and just sitting with me til I fell asleep.

That wouldn't be happening tonight. I'd go to bed, alone, and he'd go back to his fiance. They'd lie together, maybe make love.

More than ever, I wanted to be out in the night, punching, kicking...killing.

"Was there something you wanted?" I asked, looking at my feet, not letting him see my thoughts, which I'm sure were written all over my face.

"I just wanted..." He shrugged, "To say goodnight, I suppose."

Oh.

"Oh. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

"Thanks for letting me stay here."

"Anytime. 'Night."

Still, he didn't move to leave the doorway, just stood there and stared at me for a few moments, his face looking confused, unsure.

Just when I thought I would never be released from his gaze, he looked at his feet, and then back up at me, into my eyes. He swallowed, his voice sounding much quieter than I'd ever heard it before.

"Is this really happening?"

Neither of us spoke us he looked at me for a moment longer, and then moved off down the hallway.

--


INTERLUDE

*/*Angel*/*

I can't really describe how it felt to be seeing her again. I mean, one day, it's just me and Sam, Sam and I, living that all-important normal life, and then, the next...Buffy was there. Buffy, in all her freaky, abnormal splendor...Suddenly, nothing was sure anymore.

I wish I could tell you why I didn't go back to Buffy, when everything changed for me...I had no real reason, just...something in my guy told me not to. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was uncertainty. Maybe it was that ever-present feeling of not deserving her. Whatever it was, I didn't go. I didn't fight for her. Maybe I should have, but...I didn't. I just didn't.

When she showed up on my doorstep, when she had dinner with my fiancee and I, when she looked at me with those eyes of hers, those eyes I could drown in...I could see how much it hurt her that I hadn't tried to make things work between us.

I couldn't even offer her any explanation.

I went to say goodnight to her, which was completely unplanned. I was going to my bedroom, and then, suddenly, I was in her doorway, staring at the familiar lines of her back. I could tell she was worrying, and it scared me a little how easily I fell into the role of her comforter, how easily I could interpret her feelings, even now. She was nervous...Uncomfortable...A little jealous. She was lonely.

All this, in a two line conversation. And a lot of meaningful body language, on her part. Probably on mine, too.

Sam and I had never really developed an unspoken language the way Buffy and I had. Well, we had, just...not...not quite as detailed. Not quite as intense. Our unspoken conversations generally consisted of things like 'I want to leave this party, no' and 'I don't want to talk about this' or 'kiss me *there*'. Buffy and I could have in-depth heart-to-hearts using only our eyes, our hands, our bodies..and, yeah, I'll admit it, our souls.

Funny, for people who could read each other so well, we had a lot of misunderstandings. I guess it's because you can never really be sure what is in another person's heart. Buffy and I were both...fragile...We didn't always trust what was plain to the eye, because we'd been decieved so often in the past. Our hearts had been broken time and time again, and it made sense for us to be wary.

Especially Buffy.

Sam was waiting for me when I returned from my little detour down...well, I guess you could call it Memory Lane.

"Buffy settling in okay?" she asked with a smile, and I realised that she *liked* Buffy. I wonder if she would have felt the same if she'd known the truth.

"Fine," I replied quickly, shooting her a half smile and moving to stand in front of the mirror. I stared into my own reflection, into my human skin, the human warmth in my human eyes.

Was passion truly the price of humanity? As a vampire, I'd had passion. I'd burned for things with all the intensiry of a million stars. I'd burned for Buffy.

As a human, there was simply...peace. Quiet, gentle feelings. Warmth, but not...not searing heat, nor bitter cold. No going to extremes. Extremes were dangerous. They hurt. I should be wary of them.

It's not that I didn't love Sam, I did. She was amazing. Great. I just never felt like I was going to burst into flames if I didn't touch her for another moment, and I never felt like I would die if I never heard her voice again.

Those were things I associated with Buffy; yearning, longing, pain.

With Sam, there was calm. There was soothing. Everything was easy. It never hurt. I was so tired of hurting, of everything being a struggle. So tired of cursees, and clauses, and being reminded of a dark past I could never really recover from or escape. I was tired of being a warrior.

So, I just... let it all drift away, and found happiness in Samantha's arms. Not the sort of happiness I'd had with a 17 year old Buffy, not true, perfect, unadulterated bliss, but...easy contentment.

I didn't need bliss. I just needed safety.

Which didn't explain at all why, when I fell asleep in the circle of Sam's arms, I dreamed of the hurt...and a little blonde girl that I guarded fiercely...because she was my mate.

I didn't understand that at all.