Lord of the Fanfics: the Fellowship Against the Canon Police By Alyssa Wood & Samantha Chan

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Disclaimer: should we really? You already know this part, so let's skip it.

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The Unexpected Entrance

Aragorn stood in front of the mirror, trying on Arwen's maternity cloths. He looked rather astonishingly big and...Well, womanly in a way. Legolas, who was sitting on the king's bed looked rather sour.

"Aragorn," he whined. "How come you got to be pregnant??? Isn't it MY turn?"

"Because you are an elf, my friend! Elves must not have any faults!" Aragorn patted his small, round belly and looked back at the where his wife glared at him.

"My father wishes to speak with you, Aragorn," she announced icily. Elrond came walking in, black leather cloths could be heard rubbing against the walls. A loud bang and then snap and Elrond was lying against the wall.

"Wow!" he cried. "This wand is more powerful than I thought!"

"Daddy!" Arwen whined, stomping her foot angrily on the ground. "My HUSBAND is pregnant, and all you can do is play with your stupid Harry Potter wand?? FOR VALAR'S SAKE!"

Elrond blinked, and quickly hid the wand behind his back. "Sorry, sweetheart. Now, where were we.." He took one glance at Legolas, sitting cross-legged on the giant bed. The elf lord's eyes traveled across the room to meet the form of Aragorn, his foster son, standing in front of the mirror, hand over his swollen belly.

"Dude... do you think this dress makes me look fat?" Aragorn scowled.

Arwen burst into a fit of tears and ran out of the room.

Elrond went racing after her, screaming, "BABY-POOS! HONEY! WAIT!" Legolas scowled over at where Elrond had been then his eyes moved towards Aragorn. But before they got there, fifteen fan girls jumped through the window and started to swarm and do other stuff to Legolas.

"AHHHHHHHH!!! ARAGORN!!! HELP ME!!!" Legolas cried, grabbing one girl who was kissing him and throwing her out the twenty-story building. All the other girls tightened together and one after one, he threw the fan girls out the window...

(Out in the garden)

Sam looked up at the sky and then back down at the plants and then to Frodo. "Mr. Frodo, we haven't gotten rain in weeks! It's almost summer and these plants will never grow!"

"AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

"What's that sound?" Frodo asked, looking around.

*CRASH!* *BUMP* *CLING* *HUANG*

"Oh, Sam!" Frodo cried happily. "It's raining fan girls! It's-" One of the girls landing on Mr. Frodo and unfortunately, he went unconscious.

"Oh, NO! Mister Frodo! Are you alright!?" Sam exclaimed, rushing to his master's side. Unfortunately, a rather large fan girl landed on him before he managed to reach Frodo, and he, too, was knocked unconscious.

Aragorn peered out of the window and down into the garden littered with fan girls. "Elrondy's not going to be happy," he muttered, but then shrugged. "Then again, when is he EVER happy?"

"Who cares," Legolas interrupted, brushing the dirt off his fine self. "Let's make out."

"Ok."

Then they started snuggling like two dogs in heat. Before this fic could turn NC-17, a loud sudden siren in the background disrupted the couple from getting it on.

".... I thought sirens don't exist in Middle-earth," Aragorn pondered.

His thought was ignored as a team of uniformed men barged into the room, helmets, bullet-proof vests and shields all donned and ready for action. "THIS IS THE CANON POLICE," one of the men blared out in a bullhorn. "You are under arrest for violation of sections 193, 924, 20, 182, 582, 132, 219, 295, 183, 39, 10, 1, and 39."

What the heck? Alyssa and Samantha stared in awe at their story. "Where did that come from?" Alyssa looked up at Sam. "Who's the canon police???" Both marched on over to the person who looked like the head of the canon police.

"Who the heck are you and what are you doing? Don't you realize that you just messed up a perfected NC-17 fanfic???" Sam burst out.

"WE ARE THE CANON POLICE!" the head guy said through a horn. "PUT YOUR HANDS UP AND COME WITH US SANELY! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST OF THE MISUSE OF TOLKIEN'S WORK VIOLATED SECTIONS 193, 924, 20, 182, 582, 132, 219, 295, 183, 39, 10, 1, AND 39."

Sam stared at Alyssa who stared at the head guy. "You said 39 twice," Alyssa said matter-of-factly. "And what gives you the right to come in, destroying our fanfic?"

"Sorry, ma'am, but you have viol-"

"I DON'T GIVE A CARE WHAT I VIOLATED!" Alyssa shouted back then jumped on one of their jeeps (yes...isn't that odd? The Canon Police have jeeps in Middle Earth...) and started to bang against the windshield. "YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO COME IN AND TELL US HOW TO WRITE OUR OWN FANFICS!"

"Ms. A. Wood, Ms. S. Chan, you are under arrest for the violation of codes..." And before Alyssa knew it, some guy have shot a tranquillizer and the author passed out on the hood of the jeep.

The Canon police took Legolas, Aragorn, Sam, Frodo, Arwen and Elrond under witness protection and sealed the two insane authors who dared defy Tolkien's rules of Middle Earth in the fashion that they did.

One of the policemen pulled out a long scroll and began reading the long list of crimes Samantha and Alyssa managed to commit within that short fiction. "A pregnant male, horribly written slash, WAY-Out-of-Character personalities, elf in leather, fandom confusions (Harry Potter wand?), usage of the word 'dude'--"

"HEY! It's called FICTION for a reason!" Samantha screamed, her hands clutching the iron bars angrily. "We can do what we want!"

"Yeah, say it to the judge!" one of the guys yelled back. "And by the way, the judge is Tolkien himself!" Samantha gulped and started shaking Alyssa nervously. Soon, the blonde haired girl woke up (ate too much frosting to get seriously unconscious) and looked happily at Samantha. "Sam...am I in heaven?"

"Close. Middle Earth. We're going to prison!" Samantha shouted angrily. "WHY? With Tolkien as our judge, we might as well be dead on the spot!"

"How much did we violate?" Alyssa sat up, but then fell back down. She hated riding in cars (or a closed trunk) without a proper seat.

"Enough to kill them," Samantha replied, worried. "What's wrong with writing a fanfic???"

"We didn't write it the *write* way? We changed Middle Earth for our own enjoyment?" Alyssa suggested.

"But isn't that the point of a fanfic?" Sam would have said more, but a screeching stop sent her head first into the ceiling. Some of the officers opened the doors and took them out-

Alyssa started crying. Samantha started shouting in protest. They were being sent to FAPOTIS (Fangorn Asylum for People Out-of-Touch with their Inner Selves). "BUT WE AREN'T INSANE!" Samantha cried. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU SENDING US HERE FOR???"

The policemen grinned. "Because that's your punishment."

Sam's jaw dropped to the ground. "BUT THE TRIAL HASN'T EVEN BEEN CARRIED OUT YET!"

Shrugging, the cop dragged the two protesting girls out of the cage and down the hall. "That's the way it is on middle earth."

Sighing disappointingly, Sam shook her head. "And I wanted Tolkien's autograph too."

Alyssa slapped Sam on the head as soon as the words escaped her mouth. "You idiot! We're going to an asylum and all you care about is Tolkien's autograph?"

"Shut up!"

"No, you shut up!"

"I've an idea," Sam interrupted halfway through the argument. Out of nowhere, a plothole emerges and a laptop falls right into her lap. Quickly, she began typing her way out of the predicament.

POOF! They find themselves in the peaceful Shire, policemen nowhere to be seen. A chance to cause more chaos.....